By Evany
The Orson and Bree wedding is on. Led by Susan, the Ladies try to convince the bride to say "I don't" to the potential murderer, but Bree goes ahead and marries him anyway. In other "bad idea" news: Ian and Susan go ahead with that dinner date, but things get derailed when the parents of Ian's comatose wife show up and he panic-introduces Susan as one of his wife's doctors. Susan is forced to spend dinner pretending that she's a brain surgeon; hilarity ensues. Later, Susan ends it with Ian because they're clearly both feeling too guilty to date. But Ian crashes Bree's wedding and magically manages to convince Susan (by way of a bizarre yet tender toast to the happy couple, whom he's never met before) that they should try again. Snora has an unsavory new beau, which means she has less time to camp out at the Scavos, and that makes Lynette very, very happy. But then Snora and her tattooed gentleman have a falling-out, and Lynette goes into matchmaking overdrive, trying to get Snora paired off with someone else, stat. When Lynette sics Snora on Carlos, though, Gabby is not amused. Edie's "good-looking" nephew rolls into town, and he is blond and tan and likes to work on his motorcycle out on Wisteria Lane, shirtless and shining with baby oil, while listening to misogynist yell-music. Julie, who is trying to study, asks him to turn it down a notch, and they exchange the kind of "I hate you" banter that means they'll be frenching two episodes from now. The cops discover the woman's mud-preserved body down at Orson's club, but they can't ID her because someone has removed all her teeth. Someone like a dentist, maybe? The police interrupt the wedding reception to ask Orson to come see if he can identify the body as his missing first wife, Alma. Bree, still in her wedding dress, accompanies Orson to the morgue, where Orson reports that the dead woman isn't Alma, which Jackie from Roseanne confirms reluctantly. And yet...as everyone files out of the morgue, Orson leans back in and gives the body a mournful look and whispers, "Tu me manques, Monique!" (Translation, depending on the depth of your understanding of French: "I miss you, Monique," or "You will miss me, Monique," or "I warned you to floss, Monique.") Sounds pretty suspicious to me!
Previously: oh, just everything that happened in last week's season premiere episode. If you missed it, you'll just have to read up.
And right in with the MAVO: "Brides are sensitive creatures, and no one knows this better than the bridesmaids who have to deal with them." We get a quick shot of each of the Ladies being diplomatic with Bree: Susan, while fitting Bree's dress, comments that a "ten-foot train is nice," but that a shorter one would perhaps trip fewer people; Lynette advises Bree away from a menu of "smoked rabbit" in favor of the slightly less exotic chicken (and as someone who has been to many weddings in my day -- twenty and counting -- I can vouch for the fact that chicken is a wildly popular nuptial menu item. People love the chicken. Stuffed chicken, chicken rolled in prosciutto, chicken smothered in a thick chickeny sauce. Chicken, chicken, chicken!); and Gabby agrees that while a string quartet may be lovely, if Bree got a live band, "maybe people could dance, as opposed to...sway."
And then there's the inevitable bridesmaid dress scene. Bree has decked out bridesmaids Lynette, Gabby, and Susan (no Danielle?) in fluffy layered grass-green halter dresses with purple ribbon, and a nosegay of faux purple flowers at each dress's waist. They're not the worst bridesmaid dresses I've ever seen, but they're not doing the Ladies any favors. Though holy wow do these three women have well-toned arms and shockingly scooped-out clavicles! Bree tells them how stoked she is to have found the dresses, since she's only had two weeks to put the whole ceremony together. Really? A perfectionist like Bree gives herself just two weeks to plan a hugely important and public event like her wedding? Why oh why the rush? Is this maybe Bree's way of compensating for guilt she feels over suspecting, deep down, that Orson is a murderer? Oh, Bree. The Ladies are right with me with the "Why the rush?" sentiment, and gently remind Bree that she doesn't need to race into anything. Bree brushes aside their warnings, sure that, with the Ladies' help, she'll be able to pull the wedding together in time. Gabby and Lynette pull off their shoes, which look painful, and I spy a flash of red leather on the soles. Oh my god, are those Christian Louboutins? As in shoes with a price tag of like $700? No wonder the Ladies are grumpy.
Bree hands out the assignments: Lynette's going to work on the seating arrangements, Gabby will be doing the flowers, and Susan? Bree will figure out something for Susan to do sometime soon. Bree races upstairs to get Lynette the seating chart, and the second she leaves, Susan cracks, "Here's a job: how about talking you out of marrying a homicidal dentist?" Gabby and Lynette hiss that there's no real proof that that's true, plus if they say anything, Bree is going to hate them 4ever and ever!!! Susan: "I'm sorry, I cannot sit here on my key lime ass and let Bree make the worst mistake of her life." Ha, key lime ass!
With predictable bad timing, Bree returns just in time to catch Susan's snark, and coughs the not-really-all-that-polite cough of an eavesdropper. Lynette and Gabby hold their breath while Susan hems and haws out an explanation of just what this "mistake" is that Bree is supposedly making: "Honestly?" She seems juuuuuusssst about ready to tackle the Orson issue, but then, no: "These dresses are hideous." The Ladies all sigh in relief. MAVO, coyly: "Yes, a bridesmaid can question many of the bride's choices, but the groom isn't one of them." And cut loose with the (same old) CREDITS SEQUENCE!
MAVO narrates a singsong about "perfect couples" as two deliverymen carefully carry a four-story wedding cake into the Solis house. So I guess Bree's ceremony is going to be at Gabby's place? The camera pans to follow the cake then settles on a wedding photo of Gabby and Carlos. Cut to...
...a big office conference room. Gabby and Carlos are sitting down with a divorce mediator, trying to divide their assets. Things are not going well. Gabby wants the Saint Augustine portrait, she wants the stereo, she wants her pearl necklace back. Carlos, flabbergasted, reminds her that the necklace was his mother's, and her mother's before that; why it's a family heirloom! Gabby: "There was a time when you thought I belonged in your family. And you got over that!" Clearly, Gabby's just being selfish: she doesn't even wear pearls; that's Bree's department. Carlos rolls his eyes; then he makes a furtive grab for a big box of french fries that are sitting in front of Gabby. I find it hard to believe that someone of Gabby's minute size and sculpted clavicles maintains her figure on a diet of extra large fries, but okay, perhaps Gabby is blessed with one of those "fast metabolisms" Hollywood ladies keep talking about. ["One word: tapeworm." -- Wing Chun] Or, more likely, Gabby brought food to the meeting that she knew Carlos would want, just to torture him. Gabby slaps Carlos's hand and henpecks him about his cholesterol. Gabby, to the mediator: "This man bleeds bacon grease." The mediator -- fed up after what's clearly been hours of peck-peck-pecking -- yells, "ENOUGH!" and then chastises them both that they had better learn how to get along, because they've got a child on the way: "And divorced or not, [they're] going to be bound together for as long as [they] live." Gabby looks at Carlos, and then pointedly offers him her box of deadly fries. Ha!
Lynette and Snora are out on the Scavo porch, Lynette cheerfully encouraging Snora to go have a "great time" with "Turk." Snora: "Trust me. We will. The man is a jackhammer." Eeeeee! Snora, by the way, has her hair up in two Catholic schoolgirl pigtails, and she's wearing a super-short denim mini, high-heeled sandals, '80s leggings, and a fantastically plunging halter top which is struggling to contain her enormous, enormous breasts. Tom walks up carrying bags of groceries just as Snora skips off into the tattooed arms of Turk, who is standing in front of his van. Tom and Lynette stand there, watching Turk and Snora grope each other, and Tom "Scavo-whispers" ("to speak in tones that anyone within thirty feet would be hard-pressed to miss") how not thrilled he is about this man hanging out with his daughter. Eeeee! Sorry, I still can't quite get the "jackhammer" visual out of my mouth...mind! Out of my MIND! Lynette, however, is overjoyed by Snora's date: "Ever since he entered the picture, Squeaky Fromme is never around. It has been bliss." Ha, nice Manson Family reference! Though what kind of person does that make me, stringing "nice" and "Manson Family" together like that? How about "hyperbolic yet appropriate Mason Family reference" instead? (Incidentally, Squeaky Fromme's real name is "Lynette." Coincidence?) Tom points out that there appears to be a "child's skull" dangling from Tatturk's rearview, and he pointedly asks Lynette if that doesn't "concern" her. Lynette, after only a second's hesitation: "No, I'm good." And then she suggests that the skull is perhaps just that of a "monkey." Ha! You know, this episode is already so much sharper than the premiere. And a teensy little flower of optimism blossoms on the anemic, struggling seedling I call "Evany's hopes for Season 3." Eeee!
Ian and Susan, it seems, are going through with that fancy dinner date. Susan orders the "mesclun salad," and Ian is appalled. As well he should be: the new layer of meat on Susan's/Teri's bones looks great, and we all really need to work together to keep it there. Susan whispers that everything on the menu just looks so "expensive," and Ian insists that she order whatever she wants. So she dives right on in and orders the "lobster bisque and the veal with the black truffles." She meekly asks Ian if that's okay, and he jokes that it's totally fine; he'll simply finance her order by having "Jane moved to the VA hospital." Ha! And yet...how horrible is Ian? Joking about his near-dead wife, the woman to whom he is still MARRIED? Susan, not getting the joke, gasps out an "oh my god!" Married Ian assures Susan that he was just kidding, just, just kidding. Kidding about his hilarious be-coma-ed wife. They laugh, they flirt, they touch hands. And then, whoops! Look who's here! Why, it's Jane's parents! The couple, looking wildly Midwestern, come running over, and Married Ian panic-introduces Susan as Jane's new neurologist. Whom...Married Ian is...taking out for a romantic dinner? I don't get it -- how is this lie any worse than the truth? Jane's mom: "Oh, I just assumed you worked in Ian's publishing house!" Susan, all uncomfortable and shooting eye-daggers at Married Ian: "Yes...how nice that would have been." Ha! Jane's dad immediately launches in with a series of technical Qs about Jane's condition, all "EEG spikes" and "Glasgow scale." Susan claps her hand together and smiles hugely, trying to buy time. Cut to...
...Susan sketching a cross-section of a human head on a cocktail napkin. The drawing looks pretty good -- after all, Susan is a children's book illustrator (hurrah continuity!) -- but upon closer, paused inspection, things aren't looking all that accurate in the brain department. (My boyfriend, Marco: "What is that she's drawing there? A stained-glass fish...thing?" Evany: "I think it's supposed to be a brain...but I'm just saying that because of that big arrow she's drawn there -- the one that says 'BRAIN'.") Susan says something doctor-y about "the, uh, spinal chord," and then she takes a huge swig of wine. The camera pulls back: Jane's parents are now sitting down at the table with Married Ian and Susan. Jane's dad tells Susan that she actually doesn't have to "dumb it down" on their account, seeing as he and his wife have been "dealing with Jane's condition for years." Susan feigns delight over this news. Ha again! Ian steps in, finally, and pleads with them to give "Dr. Mayer" the night off; she's exhausted after a full day of surgery. The parents' interest is piqued even further: how did today's surgery go? They are all ears. Susan does some more fumbling, and then she leans her ear down to her purse and pretends she hears her phone vibrating. She pulls out her phone and launches into a ridiculous one-sided conversation about how one of her patients, whose "brain shut off," and then she tells this fictional caller that she's on her way, tossing in a "stat" for good measure. Susan, to the table of awkwardness: "I'm sorry, duty calls!" She bolts from table, and as she's weaving through the restaurant, and with the Jane family's eyes fully on her, she grabs a wine glass off a waiter's tray and chugs that down, too. While ostensibly on her way to the hospital. Ha, ha!
Orson and Bree are in the living room, practicing for their big first dance. After all, as Bree reminds him, two hundred guests will be watching. Which is a pretty impressive number, considering that invitees only had two weeks' notice. People must have really dropped everything when Bree and Orson's Evite arrived in their inboxes. While he and Bree dance, Orson brings up the unfortunate incident at their engagement party -- when he was accused of murdering his first wife? With that in mind, he'd totally "understand if [Bree] had second thoughts about marrying a man who's under a cloud." Bree assures Orson that she doesn't "listen to gossip." Oh, Bree. Orson asks her if she "trusts [him] completely," and as an answer, she relaxes into his arms as he dips her right down to the floor.
At the morgue, a Quincy doctor gently lowers a woman's body onto the slab in a variation on that same dancing dip. (Nice segue!) It seems as though the police have discovered the body down at Orson's club. The doctor informs a Detective Ridley (played by Ghostbuster Ernie Hudson, who with his sideburns and round little afro gives his whole look a strange 1970s vibe that's very Life on Mars) that the body is unusually well preserved, thanks to being "buried in clay." Unfortunately, they're going to have some trouble IDing her because, ahem, somebody has removed all her teeth. Cause of death: "Blunt force trauma to the head."
Nighttime. Lynette's carrying a basket of laundry upstairs when she hears sobbing coming from the front stoop. It's Snora, and she's had a big falling-out with Tattooed Turk. Lynette's concern is comically huge. Sniffling Snora explains what happened: Tatturk and Snora went to a bar, Snora got bitchy with one of the barmaids, Tatturk told Snora to shut it, and Snora was all, "Whoa, get a load of Mr. Two Strikes telling me how to act in public!" (Ha!) And then it seems Tatturk called Snora a "whore," and now they're through! Lynette, desperately trying to reason with Snora, says something to the effect that being called a "whore" isn't necessarily a dealbreaker, but the way she chokes just a bit on her own words, you can tell she can't quite believe what she's saying. Snora adds that Tatturk also "threatened to hit [her]." Lynette looks heavenward. Will urging Snora to stick with a potentially violent ex-convict prove too much, even for Lynette's loose ethical code? Nope: Lynette points out that Tatturk didn't actually hit Snora, and Snora snaps, "Whose side are you on?" Lynette manipulates that she's simply "on the side of love," and Snora and Tatturk, they sure did have a great thing going: "You don't want to throw that all away just because of a little fight with no hitting," says Lynette of No Conscience. But Snora, sighing sadly, insists that the breakup still stands: "I just got off the phone with Turk's parole officer, and I was like, 'Guess who ain't in Nevada no more?'" Yep, that'll do it all right; with Tatturk probably re-incarcerated by now, chances of reconciliation do look slim. Snora laughs at her devilish prank calling; then her chuckles slip into sobs. ["Well, that's one state we can rule out for the location of Fairview." -- Wing Chun] Lynette, if possible, looks even more miserable.
Edie's fast asleep when some suspect noises downstairs awaken her. Seconds later, she's tiptoe-running out her front door, decked out in an amazing, amazing nightie situation: a white see-through baby doll with a fitted opaque...bra thing with matching briefs underneath. A loaded shotgun completes the look. ["Now that is something they need to add to the Macy's Accessories Wall." -- Wing Chun] Edie spots the burglar -- he's opened a window and is now more than halfway into her house. She cocks her weapon menacingly, and the be-leathered burglar reaches for the stars. (Do you like how we've lurched into Harlequin-romance territory all of a sudden? Edie Brit can do that to a recap.) The burglar turns around, and Edie lowers her weapon. "Austin?" she asks in puzzled recognition.
Inside, Edie grabs two cans of low-rent beer and carries them over to the living room. Austin -- who is blond and handsome in that "toothpaste commercial" way that is conventionally good-looking but not, for some reason, attractive in any way -- is Edie's nephew, and apparently he's having problems with his mother's new boyfriend, a twenty-four-year-old towel boy she brought home, along with a new set of knockers, after a recent cruise. (This show needs a Britt family reunion, stat.) Edie invites Austin to stay with her until things "blow over," and then seals the deal by handing Austin one of her beers, after first pausing to make sure that he's eighteen. Austin: "That's what my ID says." Edie: "Mine too." Ha! So wait, the drinking age in Fairview is eighteen? Perhaps that can help us identify, once and for all, which state we're in here! But after doing (three seconds' worth of) online sleuthing, it seems that many states allow persons under the age of twenty-one to drink as long as they're under the supervision of a "family member," so results remain inconclusive. ["Or? Fairview is located in Alberta, Manitoba, or Quebec." -- Wing Chun]
Gabby is doing her yoga stretches when Xiao Mei the Money -- fanning herself with a huge white fan and wearing nothing but a short white robe-- wanders down from upstairs. Gabby snaps at her to get back into bed, per the doctor's orders, but Money is "bored." Gabby: "Well, why don't you try putting on a pair of pants? That should kill a couple of hours." Ha! The doorbell rings; it's Carlos. Carlos spots Money on the stairs and mother-hens that she shouldn't be up: "That can't be good for her!" Gabby: "Or the stairs." Wow, yet another Ha! So Carlos has stopped by to return his mother's pearls to Gabby as a peace offering. After some prodding from Carlos, Gabby reciprocates by inviting him to be her "guest" at Bree's wedding.
Coma City. Susan is sitting with Mike when Ian walks in with pretty bouquet of little yellow and pink roses and tulips: "Here, these are for ruining our first date." Susan cutely dives to cover Mike's ears. See that, Married Ian? That's how a person is supposed to behave when they're talking about cheating right in front of her coma-locked mate. Susan pulls Ian out into the hallway and tells him that she thinks the fact that he had to lie about who Susan was to Jane's parents indicates that he's not ready to date. And frankly, neither is Susan. But Married Ian declares that he's no longer capable of being Just Friends. "Well," Susan tells him, "if we can't be friends, then I guess we're nothing." And like that, she just walks right back in to Mike's hospital room. I like Strong Susan! Ian, standing out there in the hall, holding his sad bouquet of flowers, really looks crushed. Accent Update: in this scene, Ian seems to have wandered away from his Scottish roots and landed somewhere mid-Atlantic, like he's Cary Grant or something.
Julie is at home, typing away on her laptop, when she notices that someone's blasting music on Wisteria Lane. She goes outside to investigate, and across the street finds an unattended motorcycle, surrounded by tools. There's a beatbox there, and it's cranking out anonymous "rap music." After looking around for its owner, Julie leans down and turns down the volume. Just then, Austin comes out from around the corner of Edie's house, notably without shirt. If I were to hazard a guess as to what he was doing back there, I'd say he was basting himself with baby oil, given his hairless chest's glowing sheen. The sight of it momentarily silences Julie. Confident in his powers over all women, fab-abs Austin swaggers over to ask Julie what her problem is; what, is she not a "music fan"? Julie: "Got anything where a pimp isn't beating a ho?" Hold it, is this "rap" song sampling "I Wear My Sunglasses at Night"?! Julie and Austin introduce themselves, and then Julie explains that she's trying to study, so like...? Abstin gives Julie a hard time about doing homework on a Saturday. Julie stares at him; then she sort of bitchily says, "Just keep it down. It was really loud." And then Abstin is all, "That's how I like it." Eeee! And then he leans in and whispers, "How do you like it?" Julie looks Abstin over with thinly veiled disgust and says, "You know what? You're not that hot." Oh, these two are so totally going to french soon!
Lynette is at home, her hair wound up into a ridiculous halo of curlers. She's working on Bree's seating chart, desperately trying to put Snora to some eligible bachelors. Tom comes in and starts to protest: Lynette's putting all of his friends directly in Snora's line of fire! They're never going to forgive him! Lynette: "Oh, there are other urologists in the world. Go back to that other guy." Tom: "The one with the cold hands?" Lynette: "Oh, it's once a year, suck it up." First of all, Tom is friends with his urologist? Second of all, Tom's urologist is going to Bree's wedding? (I'm beginning to see how Bree got so many guests lined up on such short notice.) And finally, just what is Tom supposed to "suck up" at his visit to the urologist? You know what? Scratch that, I don't really want to know. Tom does some more pissing and moaning (no wait...that's also a bad choice of words. How about just "complaining"), and Lynette snaps. Tom brought the dreaded Snora into their lives, and now the only thing he is permitted to say to matchmaker Lynette is "How can I help?"
Susan, also wearing an insane mound of curlers on her head, comes outside to get her mail and spies Orson across the street; he's trying to tie some cans to the back of Bree's car, only the ropes are all tangled up and he's clearly frustrated. So he whips out a switchblade and starts sawing through the rope rather lustily. The he notices Susan staring at him, and holds his knife hand up in a salute. Cut to...
...Susan, still in curlers. She's down at the bank, and Jackie from Roseanne is there, working as a teller. (If you're wondering how Susan found her, she got her work address from one of Jackie's neighbors.) Susan asks her if maybe she could elaborate on her "Orson=wife-killer" accusations, but unfortunately, Jackie can't really talk, because she's at work. But Susan can't wait: Bree is getting married in just "two hours"! Oh, so that's why all the curlers. To buy some chatting time, Susan loudly requests "ten dollars in unrolled pennies," adding, "And I need to see you count it, because last time you stiffed me!" While scooting pennies around, Jackie very dramatically spins a morbid tale based on this one fact: when the police came looking for Alma, they discovered that Orson had cleaned the house top to bottom with bleach. So there were "no fingerprints, no skin cells, no DNA...it was as though Alma had never existed." Jackie, leaning in for the fatal blow: "Who cleans like that unless he has something to hide?" ["Except bleach can't clean up bloodstains to the point where a professional investigator couldn't detect them. Watch a C.S.I. rerun sometime, writers, it's only on seventeen times a day." -- Wing Chun]
Down at the church, the ladies are in the bridal chambers, putting the finishing touches on their outfits: pretty, simple, wine-colored cocktail dresses with spaghetti straps and a very "now" '50s profile. Both Susan's and Lynette's hair is remarkably flat, considering all the curler action. Maybe it's a humid day? Or maybe somehow all the curling converged on Gabby's head? Because her hair is a remarkable cascading mistake of curls, like a Prell commercial gone insane. Susan is dishing what she learned from Jackie: "So when I left the bank, I called the detective that worked the case, and he said that the only reason Orson was never charged was because they never found a body." Lynette's and Gabby's jaws swing wide; what should they do? Just then, Bree comes in, all out of breath because the "florist put three mums" in her bouquet, but she plucked them out! "Crisis averted," she says brightly. The Ladies look at her like, "Oh, honey, if you think that's a crisis, wait until you hear this!" Susan: "Bree, we have to talk." Lynette walks over and locks the door.
Elsewhere in the church, Orson paces impatiently. Reverend Sikes comes in, and Orson asks him if he knows what the source of the holdup is. Reverend Sikes: "You know women. They're probably in there, fussing about mascara and blush."
But ah, to the contrary! In an excellent contrast-cut, we return to the bride's room and see that Bree, at that very moment, is not touching up her mascara. Rather, she's insisting that Orson "did not hack [Alma] up and dissolve the pieces in acid!" Gabby: "I said it was a theory." The ladies encourage Bree to postpone the wedding -- just for an hour, just long enough for Bree to talk to the detective on Alma's case, or even talk to Orson directly. Bree: "I can't talk to Orson, it's bad luck for the groom to see the bride before the wedding!" Lynette, wryly: "You know what's really bad luck? Marrying a wife-killer." Bree gets grumpy and tells them to drop it, but Susan sincerely tells her that the only reason they're "doing this is because [they] love [her]." Susan takes one last stab at it: "If you can honestly say that you don't have the slightest doubt..." Bree, defiantly, with hands on hips: "None whatsoever." The Ladies quietly gather their bouquets and file out of the room. But once she's alone, Bree takes a deep, nervous breath.
Out in the main area of the church. Bree takes her place at the head of the aisle, and the organ music starts in with the "dumb-dumb-da-dumb." The church is packed with people. And flowers. There are tons and tons and tons of white flowers all over the church: if this is what Bree managed to slap together in a matter of weeks, I'm actually frightened by what she could have done given a full year to plan. Snora is there, wearing a gigantic hat. Edie is in red, of course. Abs Austin is sitting to her, and he's wearing a very strange black blazer with what appear to be white chalk lines all over it. Bree looks beautiful: her dress is strapless ivory brocade, her hair swept up into a complicated chignon. She takes a huge breath and slowly starts to make her way up to Orson, who's standing up at the front of the church looking nervous and proud. And then the "Doubts! The bride has doubts!" violins start to strum. Uh oh, here we go. (Hey, if you pause it right, you can see a few frames of Danielle, sitting up with Julie in the front row!)
The minister is just seconds into the "dearly beloved" speech when Bree interrupts him and pulls Orson off to the side. In a barely hushed voice (seriously, there's no way the entire church can't hear this), she asks why he didn't tell her that the police came to his house after Alma disappeared. Orson: "Because I was embarrassed, and they didn't find anything." Bree, accusingly: "Is that because you cleaned the house so thoroughly?" Orson: "When I'm upset, I clean." Bree -- who, of all people understands this impulse -- looks ashamed. Really?! There was no other way for Bree to buttonhole Orson before the ceremony? I mean, I know she didn't want him to see her dress, but couldn't she have just covered herself in a curtain or something, and then sent for him to come see her in some out-of-view spot for a chat? Because for a woman who's staked her entire reputation on caring so very much about what the neighbors think, Bree sure doesn't try very hard to avoid public embarrassment. Orson swears he didn't do it, and they return to the altar.
The deed is done: Orson and Bree are married. (It sort of puts an ominous spin on the "'til death do us part" stuff, doesn't it?) The reception is in full swing: the tent is draped with white fabric, elaborate chandeliers are sparkling away, the backyard bushes are decked out in twinkling fairy lights, and every table is decorated to within an inch of its life. There are candles and mountains of flowers everywhere -- tens of thousands of dollars' worth of flowers. Again I ask, my voice dripping with disbelief: two weeks? Tom starts a round of glass-tinkling, and Orson and Bree kiss. Lynette looks over at Snora, who is sitting at a table with a bunch of guys, and Lynette smiles a self-satisfied smile to herself. The smile falters, though, as Snora comes over to where Lynette's sitting and complains, "I don't know what idiot stuck me at that table, but every guy over there is just a boring stiff." Lynette tries to talk up some of the better candidates: "What about Jerry? Jerry's fun!" Snora, sarcastically: "You mean Mr. Fatty Hair Plugs? Oh yeah, he's a blast." She puts her fingers to her head and makes a "bullet in the brain" explosion sound. Well then, what about "Steve"? Lynette happens to know that his family's rich. Snora: "Well then, maybe they could all chip in and buy him some deodorant." Snora sits down and asks if Lynette's finished eating her food, and you can see whatever fun Lynette envisioned for herself tonight evaporating.
Carlos arrives, wearing a tux -- which, as he complains bitterly to Gabby, he hates: "On my way in, Bree's Aunt Fern asked me to park the car." Gabby: "She's got glaucoma. To her you're nothing but an Hispanic blur." Ha! Gabby very nicely moves in to fix his tie, and he notices that she's actually wearing his mother's pearls. He smiles happily, and you get the feeling that Gabby never actually wore the pearls back when they were together.
Edie and Austin walk into the party, and immediately run into Julie. Edie cheerfully tries to introduce Austin to Julie, but Julie waves off the introduction: "Yeah, we've met. I just didn't recognize him with his shirt on." And then she rolls her eyes and walks away. Now, was that just to spite Austin, or is Julie (understandably) still mad at Edie for burning down her house? Susan walks by and tries to small-talk with Edie about what a great party it is, but Edie just says, "It was," as in, the party was going great until Edie saw Susan. Edie keeps on walking...
...and the camera follows Susan back to Gabby and Carlos. Susan comments on how nice it is to see them getting along, and then asks them if there are any plans afoot for the two of them to reunite. Carlos says, "Maybe," at the very same moment Gabby says, "Oh god, no." Susan, in an immediate evasive maneuver, looks across the room and says, "Wow, is that shrimp?" Susan wanders off, leaving Gabby and Carlos to bicker about the "mixed signals" Gabby's been sending, what with trying to fix his tie, etc. Gabby, by way of sending Carlos a "clear signal," violently unties his tie and then stalks off. That went well!
Susan -- who actually turns out to be at the food table, looking, I guess, for shrimp (the best excuse for leaving an awkward conversation being a true excuse) -- turns and bumps into Married Ian, who's crashed the wedding with hopes of feasting his eyes upon Susan. Why he couldn't just wait until he saw her at the hospital, where they both can be found each and every single day, isn't exactly clear. They banter (he makes up an elaborate lie about his cousin being Orson's dental hygienist and her date coming down with a case of impetigo, blah blah), and you can tell his bold Wedding Crashers-style move is supposed to come off as cute, but it basically just makes him seem like a creepy stalker. Susan makes some excuse about having to do "bridesmaid stuff," and takes off.
Gabby approaches a gay waiter named "Tad" and tells him there's $100 in it for him if he'll help her to make her husband jealous. Why, if she's not interested in getting back with Carlos, would she care about making him jealous? Oh wait; because she is interested in getting back with Carlos! Genius, these two are geniuses. Tad: "Right. So, should I...cup your boob?" Ha! Gabby: "No, I'll drive." Carlos comes into view, and Gabby launches in to her act, throwing her curly My Little Pony hair back and laughing! And then touching Tad's chest! Carlos looks on with exasperation, and then heads over to the bar and orders a tequila. Lynette walks by just as Carlos asks the bartender if there are any "decent single women at this wedding," and the dreaded "bad idea bulb" goes off over Lynette's head. She takes Carlos by the elbow and tells him, "You should come over to our table. That's where all the hotties are."
Tom -- who's emceeing tonight -- gets on the mic and calls Bree and Orson up to the dance floor. They silently start to dance. Bree asks him if he's still upset about what she said. Orson: "Which part, darling? The 'I do' part, or the 'Did you kill your wife?' part?" Bree apologizes, but points out that she simply "had to ask." Orson: "That's my point: you had to ask." He goes to dip her, and she stiffly resists it, her body only tilting back maybe twenty degrees.
Later, everyone's dancing, especially Carlos and Snora. Tom and Lynette are off to the side, sipping champagne and watching as Carlos spins Snora wildly around the dance floor. Tom: "You are going to rot in hell for this." Lynette, watching as Snora grinds her ass into Carlos's crotch: "He cheated on my friend. He deserves every bit of crayyyzeee she's going to rain down on him." And yet, didn't Gabby cheat on Carlos first? Oh well, revenge is indeed a selective sport.
Later still, Carlos and Snora are slow-dancing, and also frenching, and Snora's dress is actually partly unzipped. Tom and Lynette are still glued to the show, like Statler and Waldorf on The Muppet Show. Lynette, shocked, asks, "What are they doing?" Tom: "Rounding second and heading for third." Suddenly, Gabby appears on the scene, and Lynette makes a Scooby Doo "uh oh" sound. Gabby dives onto the dance floor, and Carlos and Snora break apart; there's lipstick smeared all around the famous Carlos goatee. Snora starts to get all up in Gabby's face. Tom commentates that "this is not going to end well." Lynette: "They're just two random people who met at a wedding...can't pin it on me!" So of course, at that very moment, Snora turns and points at Lynette: "It was HER." Lynette chokes on her champagne and does an about-face. Gabby turns back to yell at Carlos. They bicker, he tries to take back the pearl necklace, the necklace breaks, and as the two of them are crawling around on the floor, trying to pick up the pearls, Xiao Mei waddles in, wearing her nightgown, and splashes her amniotic fluid all over the dance floor. Baby time! Cue those commercials.
Whew, what an epic, awesome scene that was, with everyone's storyline building and interweaving like that? Yay! "Bluejean" Bowie finger snaps for everyone!
Aaand it's time for the toasts. Aunt Fern is just finishing up: "...And I wish you both a lifetime of happiness!" Tom thanks her for her lovely toast, and then announces, "Hey, they mopped up all the amniotic fluid, so we should feel safe to start the conga line!" Ha ha! But before the dancing starts, Ian decides to make a toast, which he directs at Bree and Orson (who have no idea who he is), but which is really meant for Susan's ears. It's all about how brave Bree and Orson are -- how "so often, people find excuses not to fall in love again. They're afraid. But it's rare to find somebody you connect with, so when you do, you have to follow your heart!" So then Susan gets up and gives her toast, and it's, of course, a disaster. She cites how important "caution" is when it comes to a second marriage, because (and here she turns to Ian) "while love can be spontaneous and wonderful, it can also be selfish, and sometimes the best thing you can do is just to walk away." Which...I know, Zany Susan! But considering what Susan just put Bree through, convincing her to confront Orson right before saying "I do," you'd think Susan would be a little more sensitive than to let her issues with Stalker Ian allow her to say something like "The best thing you can do is walk away" in her toast to the "happy" couple. Ugh. So anyway, Susan sits down, and then Ian gets back up there and gives another toast: "What do you do when you find someone who makes you feel joy when you thought you never would again? Do you just let them [sic] go? No. I can't do that." The "awww" violins swell, and clearly, these few simple, passionate words from Ian have utterly changed Sappy Susan's mind, because she's just sitting there looking goofy and possibly concussed. Sucker. And yet...maybe Married Ian's actually perfect for Susan, seeing as awkward toasts run in her family.
Down at the hospital. Lynette brings Gabby a change of clothing. Gabby, still mad, demands, "What were you thinking, setting up Carlos with that skank?" Lynette apologizes, citing too much to drink, plus the fact that Gabby, after all, is divorcing Carlos.... Gabby insists that Lynette knows the "rule": Carlos will never, ever be "fair game." Lynette, truly regretful and close to tears, sits down across from Gabby and tells her how desperate she's been feeling -- how, if she can't find some way to get Snora to some safe distance away from the Scavo family, she's not sure she can stick it out with Tom. As Lynette unburdens herself, you can see how much these past six months have been wearing on her: she really does look like she's about ready to lose it, whip out that relationship blowtorch, and start blasting until there's nothing left. Gabby, with the passionate assurance of a truly good friend, takes Lynette's hand and tells her, "You and Tom will survive this." Lynette: "How can you be so sure?" Gabby: "Because some marriages were built to last. Some aren't. Trust me, I know the difference." This is a nice scene, especially since Lynette and Gabby have had their troubles in the past over what's appropriate behavior when it comes to husbands, so this feels like it's both building on an existing dynamic within relationship and moving it forward -- two things this show has had problems doing in the past.
Back at the reception, Bree and Orson have just cut the cake. Orson may be a murderer, and he's definitely a hit-and-runner, but at least he isn't a cake-in-the-face smasher. That is one thing I cannot abide by, and I really think it should be grounds for immediate annulment. Wasting cake like that! Detective Ridley arrives and asks to speak to Bree. She excuses herself and heads over to talk to the Detective, who tells her that he needs her husband to come down to the morgue to ID a body that may or may not be that of his ex-wife. Why didn't he just ask to speak to Orson, then? Why talk to Bree first?
Back at the hospital, Xiao Mei has entered the final, pushing stage of labor. Gabby and Carlos are on either side of her, holding her hands and encouraging her to push. Over XM's straining belly, Carlos and Gabby exchange some sweet words about how excited they are and how sorry they are about arguing earlier, and how "worth it" it is when you "experience a moment as beautiful as this." XM growls like an animal, and the doctor announces that the head is now in view. Carlos excitedly grabs his camera, and in some kind of Benetton ad gone crazy wrong, Latina Gabby and Latino Carlos's baby erupts from the thighs of Asian surrogate Xiao Me, and surprise! The baby's is of African descent! XM, Gabby, and the doctor all exchange puzzled glances. Carlos, looking at the baby through the LCD screen of his camera, hilariously says, "Oh man, I got to get the color on this thing fixed." Ha! And the "Wacky Racial Mix-Up" music swells!
Later, in the waiting room, Gabby yells and yells at the doctor (and the doctor's attorney) from the fertility clinic, who desperately explains that the Solises' "embryo was accidentally switched with another client's." And it isn't just a matter of switching the babies with the also-sure-to-be-puzzled black couple, because Carlos and Gabby's embryo didn't "take." Which is kind of sad, especially since the baby might have been just the spackle Carlos and Gabby needed to stay together, and yet the baby is probably better off, right? Considering that, just tonight, Gabby and Carlos were bickering and trying to make each other jealous like two fourteen-year-olds? Oh, and I guess that's the last of Xiao Mei? Happy trails, Xiao Mei.
Down at the morgue, Bree and Orson -- still in their wedding finery (ew!) -- come in, and the doctor removes the sheet, and Orson shakes his head: "That's not Alma." Bree and Orson turn to leave, but then in strolls Jackie from Roseanne. Orson starts to put up a fuss. Jackie, icily: "You didn't honestly think they'd take your word for it, did you?" And yet, she looks down at the body -- and I could have sworn Orson looked as though he was steeling himself for something -- but Jackie confirms that: it isn't Alma. Everyone turns to file out, but Jackie starts screaming that Orson is still guilty. Bree: "We know what you think. Now would you please leave us alone?" Jackie, shocked: "He's a cold-blooded killer!" Bree, vehemently: "He's kind and decent, and nothing you can say will ever make me doubt him again. Now please go." Jackie marches out the door, but then she stops and turns and tells Bree that she "deserve[s] him." Bree, smugly: "I hope to." So they all leave, but Orson lingers behind and whispers, "Tu me manques, Monique." There's been much speculation on the boards as to what, exactly, that means, but my French-understanding friend, Jill, assures me it means, "I miss you, Monique," or literally, "You lack me," which is how someone says "I miss you" when in France. Or, it seems, when in a morgue with a toothless female body. But regardless of the translation, we all know what it really means: Bree's gone and hitched herself to some bad, bad news. Rinse and spit, Bree! Rinse and spit.
Carlos drives Gabby home. Gabby unbuckles her seatbelt, but stays in the car. Carlos sadly, wryly points out the "good news": "Now that there's no baby, it'll make the divorce a lot simpler." Gabby, exhausted: "Yeah, that's something." Carlos: "So, see you at the mediator's." Gabby gets out of the car and walks up to the house. The "Sad" music plays in a clear attempt to give this scene the feeling of "this is IT," but I'd be willing to bet that all this "divorce" talk is still just bluff.
And that's it for this week! The MAVO MAVOs on about whether any of us knows any "perfect couples" or "soulmates," as we go from Gabby turning and looking back at Carlos, sitting in his car, and then we montage through Lynette looking at Tom while he's sleeping; then Orson and Bree exchanging a smile as he holds the door at the hospital but, the second her back's to him, her face turns to worry; then to Susan and Ian slow-dancing, the only two at the reception. MAVO finishes up with this piquant little suggestion: "If you haven't met the perfect couple, let me introduce you: they stand atop a layer of butter cream frosting." The camera pans onto the two plastic figurines sitting on top of Bree and Orson's wedding cake. MAVO: "The secret of their success? Well, for starters, they don't have to look at each other."
What an awesome episode. I mean, look at the total number of "ha!"s --a record-breaking eighteen!
Up : Andrew's back, and I wonder what he's going to have to say about Orson.