By Evany
The show opens at a neighborhood block meeting. All the neighbors (frightened by the Ice Cream Bandit incident over at Gabby's) are poised to hire an armed security guard to come monitor Wisteria Lane when Betty (frightened by the idea of an armed security guard shooting Caleb) distracts them all by tickling the ivories. Problem: solved! Gabby, who has indeed lost the baby, seems a little too unaffected by the loss, what with all the facials, eyebrow waxes, mani-pedis, and shopping. So Carlos asks an ex-con to help her face her grief, which the ex-con does by semi-kidnapping Gabby, bringing her to a park, and making her set a red balloon free. Problem: solved! Lynette comes home late from work and finds the P-twins out playing in the street. Concerned about Mr. Mom Tom's lax parental monitoring, Lynette asks Receptionist Stu (from work) to kidnap the twins to demonstrate how vulnerable they are. Unfortunately, the plan backfires when vigilant Mrs. McCluskey tasers Stu. And tasers him again. And again. Problem: solved? When George "accidentally" forgets to pull the engagement announcement from the paper (in deference to Bree's request to "slow things down"), his ex-fiancé comes out of the woodwork to warn Bree that George truly is crazy, and also very possessive and jealous. Bree, who is still very much in denial about George, kicks the ex-fiancé out in a huff, and yet Bree finds that she can't quite shake the woman's warnings. Bree goes to the pharmacy to confront George, and George tells her that actually the ex-fiancé is the crazy one, and he prints out a fake list of the ex-fiancé's many brain-helper prescriptions to prove it. Later, Bree and George go out for drinks and he has a frightening meltdown when (a) Bree dances with an ex-boyfriend she runs into from college, and (b) Bree refuses to wear her engagement ring. Bree calls off the engagement, and George takes off, steals Bree's ex-boyfriend's car, and then torches it. Problem: still pretty problematic. In her wedding toast, Sophie thanks everyone for coming and then bizarrely confesses that Susan's father wasn't a war hero, nor was he a one-night stand; rather, he was a married man who now works at the feed store across town. Susan leaves the wedding in a huff, and then later, we see Stalker Susan sitting in her car and watching her father close up shop. Problem: only just begun! Mike catches Caleb trying to break into some cars. The police are called, and as Caleb's carted away, Betty very subtly signals to him by putting a finger to her lips, and Caleb nods his agreement to keep it zipped. Problem: totally not at all solved, are you kidding? Meanwhile: Matthew and Danielle have a late-night rendezvous at the Wisteria bench. And really, I've got no problem with that.
Previously: basically, all the stuff that went down in last week's episode.
Things get started with MAVO telling us all about the piano genius that is Betty Applewrong. In flashback, we see Betty as a young girl playing the piano for her first piano teacher, who "praised her dexterity." Then we see Betty (or her hands, at least) playing for her first college professor, who "applauded her sense of rhythm." And then we see Betty's (hands) playing for her first symphony conductor, who "hailed her dramatic flair."
Back in the now, Betty and Matthew are hovering on the sidelines of a neighborhood block meeting. MAVO: "But Betty was no longer a concert pianist. She was now just a woman with a secret -- one she was determined to keep by any means necessary." Mrs. McCluskey is cranking about how unsurprised she is that Wisteria has had a(nother) break-in, seeing as the police don't patrol there at all. Though, really, the police presence is almost constant, considering the frequency with which they're called in to handle Wisteria Lane's many arsonists, murderers, and domestic disturbers. Tom points out that they have the neighborhood watch, but Mrs. McCluskey dismisses that as "joke," pointedly asking when was the last time anyone there had been on patrol, a question the neighbors answer with a guilty silence. Mrs. McCluskey says that she, at least, has installed security lights on her house, but she also thinks they need to pony up for professional security. Lynette says that sounds expensive. Mrs. McCluskey: "Could you really put a price on your kids' safety? Well, you probably could." Ha. Lynette says in a tired voice that she's as worried as anyone else in the neighborhood. As Lynette and McCluskey bicker, Matthew whispers to Betty that she needs to put a stop to this, and Betty whispers back that she can't exactly say she's against the concept of security. Matthew says something worriedly about "if they find Caleb," but Betty hushes him, saying she needs to "think." Meanwhile, McCluskey is saying something about how she isn't talking about hiring "vigilantes," but "trained men who know when to shoot." The neighbors argue back and forth for a while, until Mrs. McCluskey says it's time to take a "vote about armed security."
And that's when Betty makes her move: she sits down at the (highly convenient) grand piano and plays the villain's "duh-duh-duh-duhhhhh," adding a great deal of vibrating flare to the final "duhhhhh." She apologizes for interrupting -- it's just that "things were getting so dramatic." Tom compliments her on her playing. McCluskey grumps that they were supposed to be taking a vote, but Matthew keeps things off-topic by explaining that his mother used to be a concert pianist. Betty humbly admits that she "dabbled a bit," and then she launches into some serious piano-ing. The crowd listens on with wonder. MAVO: "Yes, Betty Applewhite was a gifted woman, and the greatest of all her gifts was her timing." So, somehow, using nothing but her stirring ebony-and-ivory talents, Betty manages to vaporize all thoughts of neighborhood security? That is the most retarded diversionary tactic ever. And at a scant three minutes into the show, my eyes are already rolling painfully. If they gave out Emmys for Earliest Detour into Implausibility (and I'm pretty sure they do), then this episode can start practicing its acceptance speech.
And again with the short-short credits. Which doesn't really bother me, though I do have one short-short gripe: I think they're trying to give the impression that the episode is just so cram-packed with action that there's no time to play the credits in full, but you'll notice that there's still time for endless commercials, especially toward the end of the episode.
MAVO: "Once they've suffered a miscarriage, some women sit in the dark for hours." We see Gabby sitting in her room with the shades drawn. MAVO: "They refuse to go out in the light of day, afraid to face the possibility that life will go on." Gabby walks over to her window and peeks out into the sunshine. MAVO: "They hold on to reminders of their unborn child and dream of what might have been." Gabby walks over to her bed, which is covered in baby clothes. MAVO: "Yes, this is how some women react when they've suffered such a loss..." Gabby stuffs all the baby things into a shopping bag. "Gabrielle Solis was not one of those women."
Cut to Gabby walking out to her car wearing a strapless tank and that awesome leather space mini. Susan, Bree, and Lynette walk up (what, no Edie?), and Gabby rather guiltily thanks them all for their messages, saying that she's been too busy to call anyone back. Susan tells Gabby that they've all cleared their schedules for the day, thinking Gabby might want some company. Bree pipes up that she's made some banana bread, so everyone can come on over to her place, and she'll "put on a fresh pot" and they can have themselves a really, really long chat. Gabby thinks that sounds lovely, except that she's "booked solid." She asks if she can take a "rain check," and the ladies look puzzled but agree. Bree says she'll call Gabby tonight to reschedule, and Gabby suggests that maybe, since her busy-ness is the main stumbling block to their getting together, she'll call them just as soon as some time frees up (the old "don't call us..." excuse). The ladies look even more puzzled, so Gabby does some tap-dancing about how she has so much stuff to return, and she points to her shopping bag full of baby things. Bree: "Oh, honey! There's no reason why you and Carlos can't try again." Susan: "You'd be an amazing mother." Lynette: "You should hold on to that stuff for a while." Gabby, clearly champing at the bit to exit stage right, even, says something about the baby store's "strict thirty-day return policy," and then she hops in her car and drives off, and the ladies exchange worried glances. So I guess Gabby lost the baby? And she's recovered completely from her tumble down the stairs? We're not going to see her in the hospital or anything? Huh. Way to squander some of the emotional momentum from the last episode's emotional finale! Also: where oh where is Edie? Way to squander the nice group-lady dynamic that was really beginning to percolate last week.
, we see Gabby, wearing a fuzzy pink sweater thing, waiting in the slammer for Carlos. The guards lead him in, and he is looking very sorry indeed in his ubiquitous orange jumpsuit. Gabby gasps when she sees his face, which is shiny with fresh tears, and asks him what's wrong. Carlos sighs hugely and says that he's had some ruff days, ever since he got the news about the miscarriage. Gabby goes to hold his hands and notices that they're all scabbed and bloody from, he tells her, tearing up his mattress. Gabby, with a weird semi-sarcastic tone: "Jeez. How are you feeling today?" Carlos, in a woeful monotone: "They're injecting me with this tranquilizer...thing. I think it's doing the trick." Ha. Gabby gently pats his hands, and Carlos, in a voice all choked with tears, says that he and Gabby never even got to talk about names, and that he even had his "top five all picked out. " He asks Gabby if she wants to hear his list, but she says, "No, I'm good." Carlos, looking distressed, asks Gabby if she ever thought about names, and Gabby chastises him in a teasing way that it was "a little soon for that": "I mean, how can you name something the size of a walnut?" Carlos cocks his head like a sad and confused dog, and then he notices her sweater, asking, "Is this new?" Immediately, Gabby starts preening, smiling down at herself and stroking the sweater: "Do you like it? I picked it up on the way here!" Carlos looks away in disgust, and then says all accusingly, "You just lost a baby!" Gabby, matter o' factly: "We all grieve differently...I go shopping, you rip toilets out of the wall." Toilets? Who said anything about toilets? Carlos just said he ripped his hands when he was tearing apart his mattress. Maybe that's how Gabby grieves: she confuses toilets with mattresses? Which...isn't the best mixup around, what with all the defecating in bed and the snoozing on the john. And the last thing Gabby needs now is to start sleeping with John again. Carlos: "Are you even sad?" Gabby gives a dismissive "Oh please, what do you think?" She tries to pull her hands free from Carlos's clutches, but he won't let go. Carlos yells that he doesn't know (if Gabby's sad or not). Gabby, still tugging to get her hands away from Carlos's iron grip, tells him that of course she's sad -- it's a "sad situation." Carlos grunts with disgust and tells her he thinks his tranquilizer is wearing off. Gabby, waving to the guards, "Well, let's get you another round!" The guards take Carlos away, but he keeps his glaring eyes trained on Gabby, who sits there looking innocently confused, like, "What? You like my sweater?"
Mike is up on a ladder, cleaning out his gutter, when Susan walks up. She reminds him that her mother's wedding is in a few days, and that she knows he sent back the little card saying he "preferred beef." (Wait a minute, Mike is GAY?) Susan does some babbling about how she switched Mike's preference to fish, having tasted the beef herself, blah blah blah. Mike interrupts her by throwing down a wet plop of gutter trash, which makes Susan jump back, and then he tells Susan to give her mother his apologies, since he won't be attending the wedding. And I'm confused: did Mike RSVP for the wedding before he and Susan broke up? If so, wouldn't he just be Susan's "plus one"? Does the boyfriend of the matron of honor really have to send in his own RSVP card? (Clearly I'm hypernitpicking here...does anyone have a paper bag I can breathe into?) ["Also, I'm confused. Mike solved the Deirdre mystery, and he hates Susan, so why doesn't he move away?" -- Wing Chun] Susan tells Mike that she hopes his bowing out from the wedding isn't just because of their breakup. Does Susan really think Mike's feeling deprived of his chance to go to crazy Sophie's wedding? Susan adds that it "wouldn't have to be weird" for them to be together at a wedding. Mike shoots her a look and says, "It'd be weird." Susan pretends to see what he's talking about, and he dumps another load of gutter mess down at her feet.
And now Susan? Starts making small talk! Ugh. Susan: "So, what have you been doing lately?" Mike brushes her off with "Just the usual." Susan: "Well, I'm writing a book." Oh god. "It's sort of autobiographical. It's really been forcing me to examine some of the different things that have made me me." Mike rolls his eyes, and I'm totally with him. Susan drools out some more ham-fisted backgrounding about how her mom had Susan so young, that Susan never knew her dad, et cetera: "I told you about my dad, right?" Mike looks like he could hardly give less of a shit, even if someone were offering him a cash incentive. (Ditto!) Susan continues on about her dad (Why? Why?): "He was a merchant marine, and his platoon was killed in the Battle of Hanoi." Mike says that's strange, because "Hanoi was in enemy territory and there wasn't a battle there." Susan asks Mike if he's sure, because her (flighty, idiotic) mother told her so. Mike tells her he's pretty sure. Also: "The merchant marines don't fight, they deliver supplies on ships." Susan laughs and says that she clearly has more research to do. And then, and you're not going to believe this but...Susan keeps talking: "So, what do you think? My life story -- would you rush out and buy a copy?" Mike tells Susan that she "really needs to step back," and then he throws down another shipment of gutter guck. And finally, finally, finally Susan walks away. What an insanely forced and awkward scene. Was there really no other way to introduce the heretofore unheard-of topic of Susan's missing dad?
Cut to Bree slapping the paper (with the cut-out hole taped back into place) down on George's counter at the pharmacy. Bree snippily demands that he tell her how the announcement got in the paper, especially since they agreed to take things slowly. George stutters that he was going to cancel the announcement, but that it slipped his mind as he's been so busy as of late (yeah, busy tossing Dr. Goldfine from an overpass). Bree, regarding the impropriety of the announcement: "Rex has only been dead seven weeks!" George, with psychopathic blandness: "So?" Bree: "So? I don't want everyone in this town talking about me behind my back!" Now she worries about this? George apologizes sheepishly, and then asks, "Isn't the damage done?" Bree: "Well, fortunately people only read the announcements when there's nothing in the front page, and the headline today was about some catastrophic flood in Sri Lanka." Which is pretty flimsy comfort -- the Bree of yore would have been intensely rattled if even one person had seen the announcement. Bree tells George very firmly that, when the time comes to go public, she needs him to talk to her first: "I'm the bride; after all it's only appropriate." George smiles and agrees, and Bree turns to leave. George, with creepy sternness: "I will need you to wear that ring, though." Bree turns back around, looking highly busted, and says that the ring is in her purse. George asks her to please put it on. Bree: "But if people see it..." George: "They'll assume that you're wearing your wedding ring." Bree agrees that while that might be, why risk it? George: "Because! A ring tells would-be suitors that you're spoken for. A naked hand invites unwanted attention." "Naked hand"? "Would-be suitors"? Has George been reading some kind of book about Victorian etiquette? Bree takes the ring out of her purse, and George insists on being the one to slide it on, and as he does so, you can see Bree is kind of freaked out by him. Phew! Finally, Bree is waking up! Just then, another customer arrives at the counter, and George switches into professional mode: "Will that be all, Mrs. Van de Kamp?" Bree: "Ah yes, I think so Mr. Williams." Bree turns and walks smartly away, and George pointedly watches her go. Yuck. How did Bree ever manage to have sexual relations with someone so 110% heinous? He's like the bottom of the "who would you rather sleep with" barrel! Seriously, I'd rather sleep with Carrot Top than George Williams.
While "warning, danger, death, murder, rape" music plays, a fishy-looking bad-ass (played by the king of all fishy-looking bad-asses, Hey! It's That Guy! Danny Trejo) pulls up in front of the Solis house and gets a hunting knife and four-pack cooler out of the trunk. With a devilish sneer, he looks up at the house and then slams the trunk closed. Inside, Gabby's doing the downward-facing dog, and from betwixt her legs she spies the evil man peering in her windows. She screams and crawls over to the phone. The evil man walks over to the front door, and Gabby runs over to her foyer and screams, "What do you want!" What does evil man say? He says, "It's cool." What? Huh? Gabby, still yelling, "No it's not cool; who the hell are you?" He tells her that Carlos sent him: his name is Hector, and he met Carlos "inside." Gabby: "Inside what?" Oh Gabby. Excon Valdez gives her a look, and Gabby manages to put it together that he's talking about prison. Apparently, Carlos sent this man to "keep an eye" on Gabby, after "what happened." Carlos sent a scary-looking man, unannounced, to visit his wife who was only very recently traumatized by a break-in? That seems...insensitive. Excon Valdez asks if he can come in. Still yelling through the door, Gabby informs him that he can't come in, and Excon Valdez tells her he brought a cooler, so he's just going to "camp out" on the front porch. Gabby says she can take care of herself, and he tells her he gets it -- she "needs her space," and walks back to his car. Gabby races over and locks the front door. (It wasn't even locked? A mysterious stranger broke in just a few days ago and she doesn't lock her door?) Excon smirks in her direction and drives off.
Tom tells Lynette that he has something to show her. He leads her over to the P-twins, who are sitting together in a love seat in the living room. Tom starts drilling the kids: what do you do if a stranger offers you a ride? P1: "Run away and call 911." Tom high-fives him. Tom gets more specific: what if the stranger claims to know Tom and Lynette? P2: "Still run away!" Lynette jumps in and asks, "What if the stranger is nice and not scary?" P2 still sticks to the "run away and call 911" story, and Tom makes the "champion" gesture by putting his fists together and shaking them over each shoulder. Lynette asks what if a stranger offers pizza, a trip to the circus, and elephant rides? The twins look over at Tom, who nods "no" surreptitiously. Lynette yells at them not to look at their dad, and still P2 comes up with the right answer. Tom is triple-stoked, and sends the kids to the kitchen, promising "ice cream tonight!" The kids run off, and Lynette gives Tom a look like "you're kidding" and tells him that the Q&A with the boys meant nothing. Tom, exasperated, tells her that he's been working with the kids on this all afternoon and they get it. Lynette says that although she loves her kids deeply, what she and Tom say goes "in one ear and out the other." Tom throws his hands in the air, like he just doesn't care, and says he's going to go eat some ice cream. Lynette says he's not off the hook. Tom: "I can keep my children alive. When you left this morning, there were four. When you came home, there were still four. When you come and there are only three, then you get to lecture me." Ha!
A woman who introduces herself as "Leila Mitzman" comes up to Bree as she's gardening out in front of her house (and wearing the cutest straw visor with pink ribbon, pigtails, and a vintage-y cardigan with pink flowers). Leila has sought out Bree based on the engagement announcement and tells her, "We need to talk."
Cut to Bree (sans hat, but still with those monster-cute pigtails) pouring Leila tea. Leila tells her that she had been dating George six months when he proposed to her, after which time he got very possessive. (George was engaged before? Based on the George-clan's shocked reaction to his engagement to Bree, I'd have thought he'd never, ever had a girlfriend before.) Apparently, when George discovered that Leila's ex-boyfriend lived nearby, George accused her of seeing the ex on the sly: "And then one night I got a call from the police. Someone had set my ex's car on fire. I could never prove anything, but I knew it was George." Why did the police call Leila when her ex's car caught on fire? Anyway. Bree, primly: "Well, I don't know what to say." Leila: "I know, it's upsetting." Bree: "Yes, it is. To have a complete stranger come into my home, drink my tea, and then try to turn me against one of the sweetest men I have ever known." Leila: "Honey, you've got to trust me: George is a whack job." Leila recommends that Bree "get while the getting's good." And while I so want Bree to listen, I can see how this left-field warning might get her hackles up. And yet! Still! I'm oh so sorry that this "heads up" is falling on deaf ears, especially since this scene looked so promising in the previews. Bree stands and asks Leila to leave, and Leila makes one last effort, telling Bree that George once slapped Leila after she made the mistake of talking to another man in a bar: "What do you say to that?" Bree: "I say given your overall demeanor, and your freewheeling use of epithets, I'm willing to bet that he was provoked." Really? Bree condones the slapping of uppity women? That seems...a little harsh. Leila snaps that Bree and George are a "match made in heaven," and then storms out. Alone, Bree's face melts from "confrontationally smug" to "slightest bit worried." But you know what she should be even more worried about? DR. GOLDFINE! Why aren't we hearing anything about his terrible fall? And why hasn't Bree told the ladies about her engagement to gruesome George? I am filled to the rim with unanswered questions!
Sophie, wearing a veil, is standing on a walkway decorated in white bows, looking around nervously when Susan flusters up, apologizing to Morty and Reverend Hopkins and then Sophie for being late for the wedding rehearsal. Sophie says it's okay, but she's very rushed as she hands Susan her bouquet, maneuvers Susan into position, and tells the Reverend to "hit it" with the music. So what does Susan do? After making everyone wait? She whispers to her mother that she has a question she needs to ask. Sophie tells Susan she has to march now, so Susan starts walking while also blabbering that she's been doing research for her book and she's discovered that there was no one with her father's name in either the merchant marines or the regular marines. In fact, the VA has not a single record of anyone named "Harrison Ross" ever serving in Vietnam. At this point, Susan is walking backward and interrogating her mother at the very same time. Sophie tells Susan that this isn't the time. And, really, why does Susan have to have the answers this very second, like a little two-year-old yelling "now, now, now!"? Last week, Susan seemed like she was blooming into a big girl, but this week, it appears she's suffering a complete relapse. Morty walks up to Sophie and Susan and asks them what's wrong, and Susan starts asking him if he doesn't think it's weird that there's no record of anyone with her father's name in the armed services. Morty: "Oh, well. There it is." Sophie shoots Morty a total look, and Susan is all, "Where what is?" Sophie yells at Morty to go back up to the gazebo. Morty tells Sophie that he totally knew this would happen, so now Susan is definitely not giving up the topic, and then the mother-daughter S-holes start bickering in earnest. Susan: "Mom, I need answers!" Sophie, rightly, asks Susan, "Do you have to do this now? You are ruining my wedding rehearsal." Susan, snarkily: "Well you've been married four times. I think you've got it down." Sophie, screechingly: "I will not stand here and be attacked!" Sophie turns to leave, and Susan yanks her back by her veil. Sophie: "What do you want me to say -- that I'm a bad mother? FINE! I'm a bad mother! Are you happy now?" Okay, now Sophie's completely off-topic, and I can't tell if I'm more annoyed with her or with Susan, which is a spectacular achievement given how supremely off-putting Susan is in this scene. Sophie goes running off, and Morty and the Reverend Hopkins exchange glances. Morty, answering the Reverend's unasked question, says, "Yes. Yes I know what I'm getting into."
Susan follows Morty out to his car, asking him if he's seen Sophie, and he tells her he thinks Sophie took a cab home: "You need a ride?" Susan: "I need you to tell me the truth about my father." Morty invites Susan to hop into the car, and he starts telling her this creepy and also endless story about how, when he was in Korea, he used to go to this bar on what was called "'R and R' in military lingo." Susan: "Yeah, I know what R&R means, what does this have to do with my father?" Morty starts talking about "professional ladies," and how he never figured that his first time with a woman would be "in an alley behind a Korean noodle stand with my fatigues down around my ankles." Ew? Susan tries to get Morty back on track, and after more babbling that "we've all done things that we're ashamed of," etc., he finally tells Susan that her father "wasn't a war hero." Also, Sophie wasn't ever married to Susan's father.: "I'm not sure she even knew is name." Susan: "Are you saying I'm the result of my mother having a one-night stand?" Morty reminds Susan again that we've all done things we're not proud of, and Susan ends the scene with her patented gasp of confusion. Bob Newhart's timing (as Morty) is, of course, awesome throughout this whole exchange with Susan, but I can't help wishing he'd been given better, and slightly less cringe-y material to work with, because as it stands, the Newhart Stammer is carrying way too much of the weight here.
Meanwhile, over at the Pharmacy of Lies and Manipulation, Bree confronts George about her "disturbing visit" with the famous Ms. Leila Mitzman. George looks stricken at the mention of his ex's name, and immediately starts dancing to fill in the backstory, saying Leila is a "renowned liar." Bree tells him that's what she thought...initially. But after doing some thinking, she realized that Leila had no real motivation to warn Bree. Yes! Exactly. That's my girl, Bree: thinking! George: "She's obsessed with me. She still wants me. Wasn't it obvious?" Bree confesses that Leila's secret love for George wasn't really all that obvious. George says that Leila is clinically insane, and that he can prove it. He marches over to his computer and, after doing some creative typing, prints up Leila's prescription records. It's a long list of multi-syllabic meds, which George translates for Bree: One is an anti-depressant for mood swings, one is an anti-psychotic to control hallucinations, etc. George: "Like I said, she's a very troubled lady." Bree laughs uncertainly and asks him why, then, did he date her at all? George: "In the beginning, you're blind to the flaws. Right?" And Bree gives him this look, like she might just be noticing George's flaws for the first time. Finally, finally, FINALLY! Bree, quietly, meaningfully: "That's true...in the beginning." George asks if he and Bree are now "good," and Bree smiles and confirms that they are indeed good. But then, as she walks away, we see the stricken look on her face. And then when she walks behind the sunglass racks and is out of George's line of sight, she pulls off the engagement ring and puts it in his purse. Meanwhile, George returns to his computer, and on the medication record he just printed out for Bree, he erases "Leila Mitzman" and types in the right name for all those alarming prescriptions: "Ethel Hollings." Sneaky! (Also: how awesome would it be if Ethel turns out to play some nefarious role in a future episode?)
Gabby is heading out of her house when she turns and finds Excon sitting out on her porch. She screams, and he tells her that her mail has arrived. Gabby: "You said you were leaving." Excon: "No, I said I was giving you space. I did: I was watching you from my car." Gabby tells him that the guy who broke into her house did nothing but steal ice cream, so she's in no real danger and doesn't need his protection. Excon insists that Carlos thinks Gabby needs his help. Gabby grabs her mail out of his hands and goes to lock her front door. He asks her where she's going. Gabby tells him she's going shopping, not that it's any of his business. Excon gets up and follows her, saying that all the shopping Gabby does "must be making up for something": "You know, Carlos has your number. He says you're one tough cookie. So tough you don't have to deal with your feelings. He's a perceptive man." Gabby: "He thought I was cheating with two gay guys. Are you sure you want to go with 'perceptive'?" Excon points out that Gabby lost the baby just a week ago, and that he's never heard of anyone "shopping out the pain," Gabby yells that she's tired of everyone giving her a hard time for the shopping, and that she'll deal with her pain her way! And really, I'm not sure what the big deal is here: "shopping out the pain" is a great American pastime (so says the girl who purchased a pair of shiny, red, knee-high, high-heel boots while under the sway of a burst appendix).
Nighttime, over at the House of the Magical Ivory Tickler. Matthew walks toward the door, putting on his coat, and Betty stops to ask him where he's going. Going to look for Caleb...or so he claims. Betty seems suspicious that Matthew would be going out to look so late at night. Matthew sasses that it's not like Caleb's been showing his face in the daylight. And then Matthew really lays it on thick, asking if Betty would "rather they just let Caleb run loose.": "He could be in trouble. Or hurting another girl." Betty, in a weirdly medicated monotone: "He didn't hurt Mrs. Solis. He was just hungry." Matthew: "Yeah, well, I wasn't talking about Mrs. Solis. But you know that." Then he walks right on out the door. And it turns out he isn't even looking for Caleb at all! He's just heading out to one of Wisteria Lane's many, many meeting benches for a late-late-night tête-à-tête offensive with Danielle! I sure hope for Danielle's sake that Melanie's killer was Caleb and not, say...Matthew.
Sophie is wearing gigantic curlers and futzing with place-settings when in walks Susan with a plastic-wrapped dress over her arm. Sophie asks if Susan's still going to be her matron of honor, and Susan says, "Of course I am." Susan admits that she's still "a little freaked out," but says she did "a lot of thinking," and she now understands that Sophie just wanted to protect Susan with her lies about Susan's father: "And you thought I needed a hero. But I had one: You." Gag! The two idiots hug warmly, and Sophie tearfully confesses that she was always so worried she was going to screw Susan up. Susan: "Well, I am screwed up, but it wasn't your fault...entirely."
Meanwhile, Lynette's at work. She sneakily sneaks up to Receptionist Stu and asks him if he's busy. Stu: "No...just updating my blog." Isn't it sad how attempts to seem au-courant, such as this "blog" reference, actually make a show seem totally dated, like what, did my parents write this? Lynette tells Stu that she has an important assignment for him. Stu (who, incidentally, looks a whole like Jim Carrey...and the world hardly has room for even one Jim Carrey): "Great! I'm really ready to take on more responsibility around here!" Note to Stu: maybe announcing that you're updating your blog to someone ranked well above you at work isn't the best way to prove your worthiness for more responsibility? That is all. In any case, Lynette doesn't really need help with work; she just wants Stu to help her with a little matter concerning her husband. So not only is Lynette willing to go to any length to prove a point, but she's also one of those horrible people who make underlings do personal chores? Blech. At the very least, she could have pretended it was a "very personal favor." But no. (Twelve minus points to Lynette!) Stu, craftily: "Ahh, you want to make [your husband] jealous!" Lynette wrinkles her nose and clarifies that, actually, she wants Stue to kidnap her children, and she hands him a whole bunch of candy bars to use as bait.
Cut to the P-twins battling with a sword and a hockey stick out in front of the house. Tom and Lynette are watching from the window, Tom asking what, exactly, it is that he's supposed to be looking for, when Stu pulls up in his car. Stu rolls down his window and offer to take the boys for a ride. Tom to Lynette: "Is he abducting our kids?" Lynette: "Maybe." Tom: "This is crazy!" Lynette: "Why, are you worried they might get in?" P1 tells Stu they're not allowed to talk to strangers, but then Stu tells them if they get in the car, he'll give them some candy, and the twins come a-running. Tom: "Why aren't they running away?" Lynette shakes her head, looking smug. Tom: "This is not the time to be smug; clearly, our kids are idiots." But wait, what's this? Here comes Mrs. McCluskey, knocking on Stu's window. Friendly Stu rolls down his window, and McCluskey tasers the living spit out of him. The boys go running, and Stu goes to get out of the car, but McCluskey tases him again. He falls to the ground, and McCluskey just keeps tasing and tasing him. She even goes so far as to hold him down, which I'm told is a no-no in the tasing world (touching your taser victim is a good way to get jolted yourself). The scene ends as Lynette and Tom run out to try and save Stu. That Lynette! How many rats and receptionists have to suffer before she learns?
At Sophie and Morty's wedding reception. Morty's giving a toast, saying that, starting tomorrow, he's taking Sophie on a four-month cruise around the world (well, so at least we have that to look forward to): I would have been happy with a weekend in Vegas, but [whipping sound]." Everyone claps and laughs, but Sophie is giving Susan some very worried looks. Morty hands the mic over to his "beautiful bride." Uh oh. Here we go. Sophie starts by thanking everyone for coming. So far so good. Then she thanks Morty for helping her to be a "better person." Uh huh, uh huh. Good, good. And then, Sophie starts thanking her "amazing daughter, Susan." If only she'd stopped there! Instead of, say, going on to confess that she's a "horrible person" to the entire audience of wedding guests, and then explaining that the reason she's horrible is because she lied to her daughter about the identity of her daughter's father. For Susan's father was not a war hero, nor was he a mysterious one-night stand. Rather he was thirty-three, he was married, and he was Sophie's boss! And after Sophie told this man she was pregnant, he dumped her and never spoke to her again: "But he gave me my beautiful, incredible daughter, and for that I want to thank Addison Prudy." Susan is shocked. She gasps out an OMG, and then asks Sophie if she knows where her father is now. In front of everyone. Sophie says she doesn't know where Addison is, but swears that if she did know, she'd tell Susan. Then someone in the crowd -- Reverend Hopkins, I think -- volunteers that he knows Addison Prudy. Apparently, he "runs the feed and supply store at Third and Sutherland." Sophie glares at the informant, who says, faintly, "Ah...Prudy's a fairly...common name, of cour--so." Susan asks Sophie if this is true, and Sophie tearfully whispers, "Yes." Susan, standing now: "Are you saying that all this time my father has been alive and just right across town, running the supply and feed store?" Susan yells that she can't believe it, and runs out. After a beat, Julie gets up and follows her mother out. IN FRONT OF EVERYONE. You'd think Susan would be more understanding about her mother's secret keeping, what with Susan's recent secret-keeping snafu with Mike. But no...Susan takes the "sym" out of "sympathetic." Morty to Sophie: "You're not still seeing him, are you?"
Bree and George are at a fancy bar; Bree looks utterly fantastigreat in an emerald green shift, a '60s-style partial up-do, and heavy eye makeup along with, I suspect, false eyelashes. Also, she's wearing an dynamite brooch just below her right collarbone. She's sipping what looks to be a Negroni from one of those "wacky" martini glasses with the crooked Dr. Seuss stem, which frankly I'm surprised Bree would put up with; perhaps she's too preoccupied to insist on a dignified glass. George notices Bree's preoccupation, too, and asks her if she's okay. Bree says that she's just tired. George invites her to dance, thinking it might "pep" her up, but she declines with a small smile. George smiles a friendly smile back, but then he notices that Bree's ring finger is naked again. His expression goes all icy, and he asks her where the engagement ring is. Bree stammers something about how the stone is loose, that she's going to take it in to get it fixed, but for now it's safely tucked away in her purse. George, stonily: "This isn't about Leila, is it?" Bree: "No! It's like I told you: the stone could pop off at any second." George tells her he doesn't really care if the stone gets lost, and then he commands that she put it on. Bree, firmly: "Well, I'm sorry, but I'm not going to." George, looking more crazy by the minute, asks her, "Why not?" Bree, emphatically: "Because I don't feel like it. And this is the last time we're going to talk about this, okay?"
Right in the middle of this tense moment, a man (wearing brown pleat-front pants and a lumpy jacket) walks up behind Bree and says, "Excuse me, ma'am? We don't allow members of Zeta Beta Kappa in here." Bree puts down her drink in surprise and then jumps up and hugs the man. She looks very excited to see him, and all traces of "tired" seem to have vanished as she asks him what he's doing in town. He says he's there to visit his parents. Bree introduces the man to George as "Ty Grant" and explains that he and Bree used to date in college (in fact they were engaged, though Bree doesn't mention that to George). And then Bree introduces George to Ty as her "good friend." George clarifies that, actually, he and Bree are engaged. Bree shoots George a look of shocked rage. Ty misses the look and is saying something about how Bree looks fantastic (and she does) and how she hasn't aged a bit when Bree interrupts him and asks him if he'd like to dance. Ty would love to dance! He takes off his coat and Bree puts it on the back of her chair, and the two of them hit the dance floor.
Dancing with Ty, Bree shoots George a flirty look that's clearly punishment for his telling Ty about their engagement. A look of grim determination creeps onto George's face and he reaches into Bree's purse, pulls out her ring, and heads out onto the dance floor. He tries to cut in on Bree and Ty's dance, and Bree tells George he's being rude and asks him to go sit down. Looking uncomfortable, Ty asks if he's in the "middle of something," but George ignores him and tells Bree to put on the ring. Bree says no, so George forcefully grabs her hand and tries to cram the ring on her finger. Bree insists in a sort of panic that she doesn't want to wear the ring, and George yells, "We are engaged! You have to wear it!" And you know how sometimes George feels like a nut, and sometimes he doesn't? Well, he is all nut now. A scary, scary nut. Ty tries to get George to "knock it off," but George pushes him into a waiter, who drops a tray full of glasses, and the ring goes sprawling. By now, all eyes are on them, and you know how much Bree loves scenes! George gets down on his hands and knees to pick up the ring, and then, still on his knees, he turns to Bree. The rage of .seconds ago is gone, and in its place is George's familiar look of puppy-dog kindness. George, like a lost, little boy, tries to explain: "Sorry...I just...we're engaged." Huh, maybe George really does have a split-personality disorder? Bree, breathing deeply: "See...the thing is. I don't think we are [engaged] anymore." Panicked, George gets to his feet and tries to plead with Bree, but she tells him to leave, and Ty steps in to back her up. Defeated, George turns and heads back to the table. He puts the ring down on top of Bree's purse, and then fans down some bills to cover their tab. But then he spies a claim ticket poking out the top of Ty's jacket pocket, and he reaches over and grabs it, and grabs Bree's ring again. Oh my god, TOTAL split personality! Friendly George wants to just pay the bill and get out of there, but then Loony George steps in and is all ready to rumble!
Outside, Loony George hands Ty's ticket to the valet, and the kid points out a fancy Porsche parked just feet away, saying that the "management" likes them to keep the "nice cars out front." Loony George gets in and, with a look of calm self-satisfaction, he lays down some serious scratch.
Gabby and her new Gidget hair come home to find Excon Valdez sitting on her veranda and cutting an apple with his ominous, ominous knife. Excon says her new hair looks nice. Gabby: "I also got a facial, and later on I'm going to get a pedicure and an eyebrow wax. So there!" Excon: "That's fine with me." But it's not fine with Gabby, because she knows what he's really thinking. Gabby tells him that she's getting tired of being judged by him, so she pulls out her checkbook and cuts him a check for a thousand dollars: "I won't tell Carlos you didn't stick around. It'll be our little secret." Excon's eyebrows shoot up at the generous size of the check, but he tells her that since he just got out of prison, he doesn't have a bank account: "Can we go to your bank and cash it?" Gabby agrees to the plan, and for some inexplicable reason they decide not to drive Gabby's fine, fine ride but take his beater instead. Excon's beater, Gabby soon notices, is missing the "window thingie," not to mention the door-release handle. Just as she makes this disturbing discovery, Excon rape-locks all the doors and says that he has a confession to make: Carlos didn't really send him to protect her!
Gabby and Excon pull up at a park. Excon makes a sinister observation about how the park is totally deserted, and Gabby look suitably panicked by this news. Excon gets out of the car and then comes around and lets Gabby out. He tells her to go pick out a "good spot" while he gets "something out of the trunk." Excon goes back to the trunk and we see him pick...up...a...SHOVEL! And then, PSYCH! He puts it down. Gabby inches away from the car, and then kicks off her shoes and makes a run for it. Excon yells, "Hey, where you going?" She looks back over her shoulder and sees him standing to his open trunk, a bobbing red balloon in one hand. Now that's comedy! Gabby: "You're not going to kill me?" Excon, looking puzzled: "I hadn't planned on it. Besides, if I was going to kill you, I wouldn't use a balloon...it would take too long." Comedy! So it turns out there's been a mix-up: yes, Excon lied about why he was there, and yes, he took her on a ride in his scary trapmobile, but he doesn't want to rape or pillage her at all. How insane that Gabby, and the entire viewing audience, would think such a thing! In truth, he's there at Carlos's behest to help Gabby to "grieve." Gabby is not amused. Excon explains that he "knows a little something about loss: It can take you to some real dark places," such as an "eight-by-ten prison cell." Then he hands her the balloon that, he tells her, "represents the spirit of a life lost." All Gabby has to do to acknowledge and release her pain is let the balloon go. Gabby tells him she thinks the plan is ridiculous, and that she isn't feeling the emotions he thinks she's feeling. Excon: "Then it should be real easy." Gabby gives in, and agrees to do the balloon thing if Excon promises to leave her alone. Gabby takes the balloon and, surprise, she finds she has some trouble letting it go. The "awww" music swells (and it evokes, somewhat sickeningly, the sound of a child's music box), and Gabby's brow furrows: "This is stupid! I didn't even want this baby. And I would have been a terrible mother." Excon: "If you say so." Excon Valdez? I think I love you. Gabby: "If it was a boy, I was going to name it Charlie. And a girl: Aurora." Excon smiles and tells Gabby that those are "nice names." Gabby takes a deep breath, and then she lets some sad out, and then she turns and thanks Excon and lets go of the balloon (i.e., the soul of her unborn baby, GET IT?).
Mike, at home, sits down with the paper and a hot beverage, but then Bongo starts growling and gets up and goes to the door. Mike walks over to check things out, and in the unforgiving glare of Mrs. McCluskey's floodlights, Mike spots Caleb running up Wisteria Lane in some huge panic (I'm not really sure why suddenly he's running after being quietly in hiding for days, but...okay). Caleb is trying and failing to get into one of the cars parked along the street. Mike runs out and tackles Caleb. Mrs. McCluskey is there, suddenly, helpfully offering to tase Caleb, but Mike tells her just to call the police.
Cut to cuffed Caleb being put into a police car by two policemen. All the Wisterians are gathered around, and Mike asks Gabby if Caleb is her Ice Cream Man. The cops shine a flashlight in Caleb's face, and Gabby sadly IDs him as the intruder. MAVO: "In a world filled with darkness, we all need some kind of light." I'm not sure what MA is going for here. Is she talking about the cop's flashlight? Cut to what appears to be a Porsche engulfed in a wall of flames. MAVO: "Whether it's a great flame that shows us how to win back what we've lost": we see George, holding Bree's ring, his face lit by the warm glow of his signature Car Fire of Jealousy. MAVO: "Or a powerful beacon intended to scare away potential monsters": we see Mr. Mom Tom watching as the P-twins play ball in the soothing glare of Mrs. McCluskey's floodlights. MAVO: "Or a few glowing bulbs that reveal to us the hidden truth of our past": an older, father-type man (played by archetypal dad Hey! It's That Guy! Paul Dooley) is locking up "Prudy's Feed Store" as Susan looks on from a car. (Sadly, there's a "Help Wanted" sign in the store window, so I can guess where that's headed: Susan covered in a truck-load of bird seed.) MAVO: "We all need something to help us get through the night": Caleb looks nervously out at all the neighbors as the cop car slowly pulls away. "...even if it's just the tiniest glimmer of hope": as the police car passes Betty, she puts her fingers to her pursed mouth and Caleb nods his understanding of the "shhh." Gee, I wonder if any of the neighbors spotted that not-at-all smooth move of Betty's? That would be awkward.
And that's it! Not a peep out of Edie, and no news at all about Dr. Goldfine. Dr. Goldfine? Dr. Goldfine? Paging Dr. Goldfine!
week: Carlos is free and Bree shoots George's mobile karaoke machine!