By DeAnn Welker
There are secrets all over Wisteria Lane this week, but the biggest one from a viewer perspective has to be what's up with Paul Young and his crazy new wife, Beth. He buys his old house, but doesn't plan to move into it, then offers to buy Mrs. McC's (but she's not selling). He doesn't share anything with Beth, even though he promises to stop keeping secrets -- which is really just an attempt to get sex. She one-ups him in the crazy department, though (and I'm guessing also in the secret department, though we don't know yet), when she chops bell peppers like she has a little too much knife-wielding experience.
Susan's still keeping her own secret, too: that she's HOT! And it's a well-kept secret since it's hard to see on a high-definition TV. Really, though, she's still making money for her oblivious husband by stripping on the internet. Until her company expands and starts plastering her face up all over town to advertise (as if they don't have anyone young and cute to use instead?). She has to pay the company $9,000 to keep the billboards from going up, so she agrees to take on more private, one-on-one webcam action. Which you just know is going to get totally creepy. Speaking of, a mystery man picks up one of her discarded billboards at the episode's end; maybe it's Paul.
Gaby and Carlos go through with meeting their biological daughter (Gaby's mini-me, Grace) and her parents. The families decide they'll all be friends, but Gaby starts butting in (of course), wanting to buy Grace nice things like she should have had. Grace's mom and then Carlos tell her to back off, so she gives Grace a nice necklace in the end and says it'll be their secret.
Meanwhile, Bree and Renee are in a full-out war over Hot Handyman, using grandchildren and little people as weapons. In the end, they sign a peace accord, though, and Bree gets to keep the booty. And Lynette's exhausted and busy, as any mother of five would be, so she starts leaving baby Paige with Penny. It works out so well she just keeps doing it, until the school has to tell her she's basically abusing her child -- even though Penny's doing it willingly. She apologizes tearfully to Penny and then tells Tom to get her a nanny so she can be a better mother.
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Mary Alice voices over that Carlos loved his wife more than anything. Flash through her being vain, selfish and spoiled, with Carlos still loving her. But, as they walk toward their biological daughter's parents, Carlos loves her a little bit more. Carlos tells Gaby everything's going to be fine, then a guy walks up and says he's Hector Sanchez. He takes them over to meet his wife, who's with their daughter, Grace. Hector suggests maybe they take a blood test, but as they walk up to Grace and her mom, Grace acts like a little brat about her clothes. Carlos: "I don't think we'll be needing that test." MAVO says he knew her DNA.
MAVO continues about all the stuff a purse can hold, and how every purse says something about the woman who owns it, whether she owns it or not. Carmen Sanchez glares at Gaby's fancy purse as the parents discuss visits with each other. The girls play until Grace runs up and asks for ice cream. Her mom says no, so Gaby overrules her. Then Grace asks how much the pretty purse cost, and Carmen tells her not to do that, but Gaby says it's okay. Then she tells Grace she can have one by working very hard or marrying a man who works hard. Carlos tells Carmen what a good mother she is, and Hector tries to make Gaby feel good about it by saying she's done a wonderful job with Juanita. Then Juanita comes up and yells at Gaby about ice cream money. Gaby yells back, and Juanita's a snot. Carmen reminds Gaby she was just talking about what a good mother she is.
At their apartment, Susan and Mike burn his truck loan, which is paid off. She hopes they can reach "flat broke" by Christmas. Maxine knocks on the door, and Susan freaks: "I'm in here with Mike! It's open!" Maxine comes in and says inappropriate stuff that drives Mike out of the room, then tells Susan she should quit the Internet burlesque business, since she's taken on some investors who want a huge U.S. presence. She tells Susan to get out now if she doesn't want people to see her. Susan asks how long, and Maxine thinks it's a couple weeks to a month. Susan plans to work right up until the last day, doing double shifts and extra shows. Maxine says okay, and tells Susan she'll miss the way she wears rubber gloves and fishnets. Well, that makes one of us.
Penny and Lynette arrive home with groceries and a screaming Paige. She stops crying, and then the phone rings. Lynette left her license at the store and will have to drag Paige back there, leading to more screaming. Penny asks Lynette to leave her with her, since she leaves her with the boys, who don't even change her diaper often enough. When Lynette gets back, Penny is playing with Paige on the floor after changing her diaper. Lynette asks Penny where she learned this, and Penny says she's watched Lynette. When Lynette realizes how good Penny is with her, she asks if she could take a shower. Penny says to go ahead and take a bath with scented candles. Lynette thinks Penny's mother must have done a great job.
At Paul's, he and Beth make small talk about how her back hurts because she still sleeps on the couch. Lee storms in without knocking and tells Paul he's the proud owner of his old house. Beth is obviously shocked, so Paul tells Lee they'll talk later. After Lee leaves, Beth wonders why he'd buy that house when their lease isn't up for a year. He won't discuss it, and says it's convenient she wants to be his wife during the day and a houseguest at night. In Bree's yard, Bree asks Hot Handyman about their date on Friday; he won't tell her what they're doing, but says he's working on something he's pretty stoked about. Renee's spying from Lynette's porch, who gives her crap about it but also lets it slip that Bree's a grandma. Renee can't believe she didn't have this useful information before.
Lynette's heading to poker with Paige and tells Penny she'll be back in a few. But Penny thinks she should get to stay and play, so she once again offers to watch Paige. Dude, I have met kids. They are not this sweet. Lynette tells Penny she's her favorite, and they'll leave everything to her in the will -- though she reminds her their poverty makes this more symbolic than anything. At poker, Gaby tells the assembled ladies (Lynette, Bree, Renee) that she's going to tell them a secret because they're her dearest and oldest friends. She looks at Renee, all, "Well, I've only known you two weeks but I don't want to be rude and tell you to leave." She shows them a picture and says it's her daughter, Grace. Lynette and Bree give her a lot of sympathy and support. Gaby tells them few people know and she needs them to keep it that way. Bree and Lynette agree, for Juanita's sake, and Renee's like, "Don't worry about me. Up until today, I thought you were Juanita." Then Gaby tells a story about how touching it was when Grace knew her bag was expensive. When she was a kid, she too wanted to be rich, so she's decided to give Grace a Chanel bag. Bree and Lynette look worried, but Renee finally gets touched and says Gaby's the best mother ever.
Beth's in her house when she notices a light on in the old Young home. She heads over there and finds Paul standing there. She asks what he's doing, but he says to go home. She wonders why he'd buy this house if they're not moving there. She says it must be filled with unpleasant memories, but he says they're not unpleasant, because he had a real marriage when he lived there. She says their marriage is real, but his secrets don't make it any easier for her. He holds her hand and agrees not to keep any secrets, which are why this house is empty right now.
Hot Handyman shows up at Bree's late for their date, but he has tickets to the Black Eyed Peas, so he's sure she'll understand. She's like, "I live to rock." Then Danielle and Benjamin show up to visit. Bree introduces them without using the word "grandson." Benjamin gives Bree slippers for her bad circulation, and Bree asks him to stop calling her "Grandma." Hot Handyman says there's nothing more important than family, and they can go out another time. When he leaves, Danielle says that Bree's friend, Renee, must have been wrong, since Bree's bouncing back just fine. Danielle says she wishes she had a friend who'd send first-class tickets to cheer her up, but Bree tells her to trust her: She doesn't want a friend like Renee.
Susan is stuck in traffic when she sees a vavabroom.com billboard going up. Then she notices it's her and freaks out. She drives over and jumps up on the billboard to keep her face from going up. She says she's protecting her dignity then falls. Why is she so annoying? Back on Wisteria, Paul finds Mrs. McCluskey on her porch and offers, threateningly, to buy her house. He thought she might want to unload it before she loses her mind. She essentially tells him to get the F off of her porch. He tells her to be careful on the stairs. At Lynette's, Paige is screaming until Lynette gives her to Penny. Lynette's going for a jog, but Penny says she can't be late for the bus today. Lynette promises not to be late, but after her jog, Bree catches up with her and really needs to talk. Over coffee, Lynette says flying Danielle and Benjamin here first class is "vintage Renee." Bree says her voracious libido and unlimited funds are a deadly combination. And now Renee's going on a date with Hot Handyman, who called to ask permission, but Bree couldn't say no. Lynette tells Bree to fight back somehow, so Bree asks what she can do to humiliate her. Lynette comes up with Renee's fear of little people, and then heads home. When she gets there, Penny's gone and there's just a note that says she had to go to school. Lynette wonders where the baby is, so we cut to the bus, where Penny's telling everyone to stop breathing on her sister.
Lynette shows up at the school and gets condescending looks from the people at the front office, who send her to the principal's office. She gets just as much condescension there, from Principal Harris. She has eight children of her own, so she's not hearing Lynette's excuses about being tired and busy. Then the principal tells Lynette that Penny's helping her out more than she realizes: She told Principal Harris she takes the baby monitor to bed so she can get up for the feedings. As a result, she's so exhausted she's falling asleep in class. Lynette says she'll talk to Penny and will fix this. She asks who among them is a perfect mother, and Principal Harris shows her her "World's Perfect Mom" cup.
Gaby shows up unannounced at Carmen's to ask if Grace is there. Carmen reminds her they're supposed to call first to see the kids, so Gaby asks her to give her this Chanel purse. Carmen tells her that Grace is happy with the purse they bought at a flea market. She tells Gaby to let them be who they are, not who Gaby is. Then she tells Gaby to leave, and to call time. Instead of looking like she learned a Very Valuable Lesson, Gaby scoffs on Carmen's front porch. At Maxine's, Susan's freaking out about the billboards. She begs Maxine to do something, and even gets down on her knees and cries about Mike finding out she's doing this. He'll recognize the panties, which he gave her for their anniversary. Maxine says she'll make a call.
When Penny arrives home for school, she apologizes to Lynette for taking the baby to school, but she didn't want to be late for her math test. Lynette tells her she didn't do anything wrong, then sits with her and has a heart to heart. She tells her she appreciates what she's done for the baby, and Penny says she knows how much Lynette likes to see her friends and jog and stuff, and it makes her happier and different, and Penny likes that mommy better. Tom comes around the corner and listens as Lynette tells Penny she likes that mommy better, too, but it's not Penny's job to worry about her; it's Lynette's job to worry about Penny. Penny goes upstairs, and Tom tells Lynette how sweet that was. Lynette knows, and tells Tom to get her a nanny, so she doesn't take the exhaustion out on the kids or take advantage of them. Tom offers to pitch in more, but Lynette says that's a lovely, hollow offer, so he can get her a nanny. Wait, can poor people afford a nanny? I mean, didn't she just tell Penny she's poor? And also: Wasn't Lynette going back to work for Carlos after the baby?
Casa de Solis. Carlos is annoyed to find out Gaby bought a $1,400 purse for an eight-year-old, but she tells him she didn't get the matching wallet. Gaby says that Carmen went all Grapes of Wrath on her (as if Gaby would even know a literary reference). Carlos says he agrees with Carmen, and Gaby has no right to buy Grace gifts. Gaby says she does, because Grace was supposed to have all of this stuff. Carlos tells Gaby this is why he didn't want them to look for her, because they didn't know what would happen. But Gaby looked, they found her, and they're falling in love with her. But if Gaby spooks these people, they can take her away from them forever.
Beth greets Mrs. McCluskey, out for her walk, who tells Beth her doctor said she's going to be around forever, so Beth can tell her vulture husband to pick at someone else's grave. Later, Beth's cutting vegetables, and asks Paul if he talked to anyone interesting today (is this supposed to be the same day he found Mrs. McCluskey on her porch? The timing seems off in this episode). He says no one would talk to him and goes to wash up. She goes all Ginsu chopper on the vegetables. You know, in case we hadn't noticed how insane the woman is.
Hot Handyman's eating Renee's sea urchin (and not liking it) on his date with Renee, when she notices a little person run by quickly. She tells Hot Handyman she thought she saw... never mind. Then she asks him to go to a jazz club later, and he says jazz is the sea urchin of music. Renee laughs and notices the little person again. She starts to freak out, and asks if he saw that. Then a kid walks up and Renee screams. Then, "Okay, you're just a kid." Hot Handyman asks what's the matter, but she tells him there was an incident at the circus when she was a child, and now she's terrified of ... Just then a little person walks up and asks if he knows her. She squeals, climbs on the back of her bench, and screams, "Get it away! Get it away!" Then she throws a coat over him. Hot Handyman pulls it off and apologizes for her. The little person says he made a mistake, then finds Bree in a private room, and tells her he's happy to help and he'll see her in church.
Susan's horrified to learn she'll have to pay $9,000 to get the billboards taken down. Susan says this is a huge hit, and puts them right back where they were before she started doing this. Maxine knows, and wonders what Mike will say when the money goes away again. Master manipulator Maxine tells her there's another option: The website provides other services that she's kept hidden from Susan because of the boundaries she's set. But if Susan's willing to do private on-screen interactions of a racier nature, she can make a lot of money. Susan asks how racy, and Maxine asks how much money she wants to make. Outside at night, a man finds the billboard poster in a Dumpster, with Susan's face on it and the website vavabroom.com. He picks it up and walks away without us seeing his face.
Bree's. Renee shows up and asks her how dare she exploit a traumatic childhood memory. Bree says she heard about her episode with a little person. Renee wonders how Hot Handyman will react when he finds out Bree ruined their date. Bree thinks he'll react the same as when he finds out Renee ruined theirs with her grandchild. Hot Handyman arrives, and Renee says they'll just ask him who he chooses. Bree doesn't want to put him on the spot like that, so Renee mocks her. When he comes in, Renee starts to ask him if he had to choose between... Bree butts in and asks him to choose between forest green and brown for the trim. He choose forest green, so she sends him to the hardware store to get some. Renee asks if Bree's afraid she'll lose, and Bree says she is, so he's all Renee's. Renee doesn't think that's any fun at all, and she thought Bree liked him. Bree says she does, but she doesn't get his references and she feels like a cliché. Renee says that if Hot Handyman can make her happy, he's Renee's gift to her. Bree asks why she's being nice, and Renee says she realizes she'd rather have Bree as a friend than an enemy. Bree hollers after Hot Handyman that she'll join him at the hardware store.
Carlos and Hector are having beers on the porch. Hector says it was nice of them to invite them over, and time they can go to Hector's house. The men agree how lucky they are. Inside, Carmen's teaching Juanita to cook and Gaby's watching thoughtfully. When Grace compliments the house, Gaby offers her a tour. Grace is totally impressed with how big and awesome it all is, then wants to look at Gaby's jewelry box. She's impressed with that, too, so Gaby gives her a necklace. She says it's a gift she bought herself with her first big modeling check. She tells Grace that the gift will be their little secret. Grace thanks her and tells her she wants a purse like hers someday. Gaby says she's going to make sure she gets it.
That's MAVO's cue to pick back up about more things that purses can hold: Lynette's has a baby bottle, Susan's has a check for Maxine, Bree's has a thank-you-for-the-hottie gift for Renee. MAVO repeats that every purse says something about the woman who owns it, whether she knows it or not. Gaby smiles as she watches Grace put her secret necklace in her purse.
week: Renee's moved on to fighting with Gaby. And Bree has sex three times in a week. Someone had a nose job. Lynette finds out about Susan's porn job. And then someone threatens Susan (I'm guessing the creeper who picked up her poster).
Watch the episode below, discuss it in our forums, then see last season's most outlandish moments.
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DeAnn, a writer and editor in Portland, Oregon, thinks it would have been more fun for Bree and Renee to keep on battling. You can contact her at twopmodmars@gmail.com.