By DeAnn Welker
Swoosie Kurtz has moved on from Pushing Daisies and into a role as Susan's boss (the teacher she assists). When Susan finds out from a precocious student that there's an "evalee-ation" coming up, she invites Swoosie over for dinner and drinks. Swoosie thinks it's a date, and ends up kissing Susan. When Susan tells her friends (Lynette, Lee and Gaby) about it to find out if it was a friendly kiss, or something more, Gaby kisses Susan -- twice! -- to help her figure it out. The verdict: It was more than friendly. So, Susan tells Swoosie she's totally straight. Swoosie's skeptical, but eventually buys it and they decide to be friends. At least it looks like Susan's job's safe.
Speaking of jobs being safe, because Brad didn't get to tell anyone he'd fired Carlos before Maria killed him, Carlos gets promoted into Brad's job: president of ... something. He replaces himself with his ex-girlfriend/former roommate, Lucy. Gaby's not at all threatened when she meets Lucy, because she's overweight. But then Carlos tells Gaby how sexy her confidence is, and Gaby feels threatened. Lynette -- who came to Gaby for help getting a job -- accepts a job with Carlos' company, which it turns out Gaby only helped her get so she could spy on Lucy. They've both used each other, but agree that they'll stay friends and continue with the using. What are friends for, after all?
Orson's friends are apparently only good for stealing things from. Bree finds his stash of stolen goods, and forbids him from visiting any of their friends ever again. She returns all of the stolen stuff, then catches him coming out of Bob and Lee's with a mug. She takes him to counseling, where the therapist suggests it be for couples, but Bree walks out, saying Orson's the one who needs help, not her. Orson gleefully tells the therapist that this is something Bree can't control, and he's loving it. He might want to watch out, though, since one thing Bree would be able to control is divorcing his thieving ass.
Finally, Edie starts investigating Creepy Dave, and finds out from old newspaper obituaries that not only did he have a wife who died, but a daughter who died in the same accident. As he's preparing for his camping trip with Mike and Katherine (who tried to bow out, but Creepy Dave buttered her up by telling her how much she's changed Mike's life -- as if he's known Mike longer than Katherine), Edie asks him if he's ever wanted a daughter. He tells her a sad story about his "friend," who lost a daughter and can't get over it, so he thinks he doesn't want one. Edie tells him she's sad for his friend. Then she tells him to be safe as he leaves for camping. As the episode ends, he, Mike, and Katherine are driving off to the woods. Meanwhile, the newspaper guys have dug up another article on Lila and Paige Dash -- about Mike not being charged in their deaths. They are going to fax it to Edie, but not until the day since she's such a handful. Uh-oh, cranky newspaper guys. Don't wait on this: Lives are at stake.
week: Secrets are discovered, and a housewife dies. I wonder who it might be. If only there had been some news announcing that one of the actresses was planning to leave the show.
Previously: Creepy Dave told Edie he had been married before. He invited Katherine and Mike on a camping/murder trip. Lynette wanted to go back to work. Carlos got fired after he and Gaby took a stand against his boss' cheating. But then the cheated-on wife killed the boss. Yikes! (Oh, and thanks to LTG for the awesome weecap, but y'all are stuck with me again. Or, rather, I'm stuck with this show.)
Carlos and Gaby are going to the funeral. Mary Alice tells us why Gaby hates going to funerals: Black isn't her color. Crying depresses her. And lilies make her sneeze. And she despises any event where she's not the center of attention. At Brad's funeral, this isn't a problem, though. As she's looking at Brad's closed casket, a lady named Jody asks Gaby for all the gory details, since they all heard Gaby was there when he was killed. Gaby doesn't think this is the time, so Jody says she'll see her at the wake. Gaby storms off and tells Carlos she'd like to leave now, please. He tells her this is a funeral and they need to put on a good face for his co-workers. She reminds him he was fired, but he says they don't know yet if Brad told anyone about the firing before Maria killed him. Just then, the company's CEO comes up and Carlos introduces him. The CEO knows this is an awkward time, but he needs to talk to Carlos. Brad had called him right before he died to discuss Carlos's job performance. He left a message, but the CEO knows what that means, what with the huge bonus Brad gave Carlos so recently: He wanted to promote him. The irony: The job Carlos will be bumped into is Brad's. Carlos is being promoted to president of the company. CEO can't think of anyone better suited. Gaby accepts the job for him, and then Carlos says he's honored. CEO leaves and Gaby is elated that Brad's compensation package that will now be all theirs. They're rich again. Carlos tells her they're at a funeral, so please stop smiling. Mary Alice continues that Gaby hates funerals, mostly because she can't pretend to be sad when she's not. Her huge smile gives that away.
After the opening, Mary Alice tells us that we can find people with agendas on any sidewalk in any city. She goes through a bunch of people we don't know: a woman who wants to borrow money from a friend, a guy taking his boss to lunch to get a corner office, a girl looking after her uncle so she will end up in the will. Mary Alice says you can find these people with agendas almost anywhere, and they're always trying to keep said agendas hidden. We focus on Edie, who's walking into a newspaper called "Mount Pleasant Gazette." She approaches the old guy at the counter and tells him she needs to look someone up in their archives. She pretends it's a smooth-talking client. She says his name is David Dash. The guy says all he has are the obituaries, and he pulls out a fat three-ring binder. Um, hello, Mount Pleasant Gazette? 1950 called. It wants its archiving system back. I work at a newspaper, and have worked at several others and I can tell you that no newspaper keeps a three-ring binder of its obituary archives. That's just craziness, even for an old guy in a plaid shirt and sweater. He also tells her that anything beyond this magical three-ring binder of obits would take him a couple of days. Or, you know, a couple minutes searching computerized archives for the word "Dash." Sheesh.
Susan's playing kooky music and telling a room full of kindergarten types to listen to the music and see what pops into their heads: what shape, what colors. Swoosie Kurtz comes in and wonders why the kids are drawing with crayons instead of making clay vases. Susan tells her she wanted to try an imagination exercise. Swoosie thinks it's a lot of scribbling, and that since parents pay $22,000 a year, they need to give the parents artwork to put on their desks that they can smile at while they write those tuition checks. She picks up a picture and tells Susan that no one will find this meaningless chicken scratch adorable. The girl whose picture it is looks sad, and so Swoosie's all, "Not yours, Mia." Susan reminds Swoosie that she said she could plan the lesson today. Swoosie's all, "Fine, but you know where I stand," and leaves. The little girl who drew the chicken scratch asks Miss Susan what an "eval-ee-ation" is and then tells Susan she heard the principal and Swoosie talking and Susan's getting one. And Mia remembers last time the teacher's assistant she liked argued with Swoosie: She didn't last long. Susan quickly tells the kids to starts on clay vases.
Orson comes home to find Bree sitting at the table, which is filled with all of his stolen goods. She tells him to sit, and demands to know what's going on. She says that when he stole the tape recorder, he said it was a one-time thing -- an impulsive act of revenge. He says it was (except that was at least the third time), but then it started giving him a thrill. Bree can't believe that stealing a ceramic duck would give him a thrill. And, seriously, I want to know where he hid that ceramic duck, because it's not small. It's larger even than last week's salt shaker from Scavo's, which barely qualified as pocket-sized. Bree wants him to talk to a professional, but Orson says a psychiatrist isn't necessary because he's not crazy. He says he'll stop, apologize to everyone, and return everything. She says he will not do that, because she forbids him from entering any of their friends' homes. She'll take care of getting everything back. She leaves the room, but returns to take her purse with her. She can't even trust him. This is the dumbest character "twist" this show has thrown us in awhile, and there are a lot of them.
Swoosie shows up at Susan's, where Susan exposits that she's sorry she sprung this on her last minute, but is glad she could make it. Swoosie's excited at the prospect of a home-cooked meal, but Susan tells her to keep looking because she ordered Chinese. Swoosie's okay with that. She says she was surprised to get Susan's invitation, but Susan tells her school is so formal, and she'd like to let loose and get to know each other. Swoosie takes off her coat to reveal a svelte figure in a nice green dress with a pretty gold necklace. Susan says she's a school marm who lets down her hair and "va-va-va-voom." Swoosie isn't insulted by the marm comment, but chooses to focus on the va-va-va-voom, which she's never gotten before. She tells Susan she also looks nice, but Susan hasn't even changed because Mike was late picking up MJ even though he lives across the street. Swoosie thinks living across the street from her ex is crazy. She clearly knows very little about Wisteria Lane. Susan tells her Mike shacked up with Susan's best friend, "and people wonder why I'm done with men." Susan toasts to getting to know each other better, and Swoosie will drink to that.
Mike comes over as Creepy Dave's packing for camping. Mike wants to apologize for Katherine, but she can't come. She needs to get her taxes done, and thinks she'll be a third wheel. Creepy Dave says that's crazy, since this trip is as much about Katherine as anyone. Mike says it will be better without her so they can burp and scratch and do other guy things. I, for one, cannot imagine Creepy Dave burping or scratching or doing any other typical guy things. Mike says Katherine was never part of the original plan anyway, and Creepy Dave agrees with that under his breath (because he originally was targeting Susan). Mike says he'll see him Saturday and Creepy Dave pretends to be happy. But the ominous music tells us otherwise.
Swoosie and Susan are well into their second bottle of wine and on their way to soused. Swoosie tells Susan she's given up on love, but Susan won't let her, since she's smart, funny, and adorable. Swoosie loves the compliments, and then Susan puts her hand on Swoosie's leg. Susan checks the time, and realizes they should call it quits since it's a school night. Swoosie has had a great time, but Susan thinks they should keep this drunken night between them. Swoosie agrees it's their little secret. Swoosie asks at the door to do it again sometime, and Susan says "It's a date." But it isn't, because they never even discussed a time, place, or date. Don't you have to have at least a date to call it a date? That doesn't matter, though, because it was all just leading up to the kiss Swoosie plants on Susan. She then says "va-va-va-voom" and leaves Susan in shock. [To drive home drunk, apparently? - Zach] Though, I think, a little happy. Maybe this is a path she should pursue.
Susan's at a table with Lynette, Lee and Gaby staring at her, mouths agape. Gaby asks what kind of kiss it was, and Susan says it was a regular kiss on the mouth that lasted longer than she thought it would. Lynette asks if it was American or French and then does a gross, weird sound that is apparently her version of French kissing and makes me wonder how she and Tom have managed to stay together all these years if that's her impression of their kissing. Susan says she might be blowing this out of proportion, since Swoosie's never said anything about being gay. Lynette says that doesn't matter, "right, Lee?" Lee says that other than sharing parades, he knows nothing about lesbians. They're, like, the enemy. Gaby tells Susan to ask Swoosie what she meant by it. Susan says that would be awkward, since Swoosie's her boss. Lynette tells her to let her kiss her again and then sue her. Gaby asks details, but Susan doesn't know or remember anything. So Gaby plants a totally platonic, "Was it this?" peck and then a "Or was it this?" longer American (apparently) kiss on Susan. Susan says it was the second one, so Lee says he'll see her at the parade.
As Gaby's leaving, Lynette follows her outside to go on and on about how she's looking for a job now and she's having a hard time. Gaby: shrug. She was hoping Gaby would put in a good word for her with Carlos's company, who's hiring, but Gaby's not sure, since that job's in marketing and Lynette was in advertising. Lynette says she worked in marketing, and was good at it. Gaby: shrug. Lynette continues to try to get Gaby to recommend her, but Gaby shrugs and says that she doesn't know if Lynette's good at her job. Lynette's offended, even though she definitely told Gaby, at the beginning of this conversation, to feel free to say no. That's so Lynette. Gaby shrugs a fourth time when Lynette asks if she thinks Carlos hiring her would be a risk. Lynette says that's it, she's out and goes back inside.
Carlos thanks Gaby for making the place look so nice for dinner with his new hire. He tells Gaby who it is, and her name is the same as someone Gaby thinks is his ex-girlfriend. He says it was totally casual; they were just roommates, not a couple. They did sleep together, because "it was a small apartment." Gaby says she's not jealous, but Carlos can't hire her. But Carlos says she's great, and he has to hire her. The doorbell rings and Carlos says she's at the door. She walks over saying she's not on board. They open the door to a heavy woman, who introduces herself as Lucy. She walks inside and Gaby whispers she actually is on board now. Of course.
Carlos and Lucy talk about business over dinner. Lucy's a tough talker, compromising professional ethics and all that. She leaves to take a call and Gaby tells Carlos she can see why he wanted to hire Lucy, who's a force of nature. Then she asks if he was surprised when he saw her, and he plays dumb. Gaby spells it out, saying Lucy's obviously stopped counting calories since he last saw her, but he says that, nope, she looks pretty much the same. Gaby's stunned that Carlos isn't totally shallow, because she thought only liking attractive people was one thing they had in common. He says that Lucy is witty, brilliant, more confident than anyone he's ever met. He says that type of personality is very seductive. She walks in and brags about some hire she made, and asks Carlos to sizzle her, which means touching her and making a sizzle sound. You know what I mean. Lucy talks about the thrill she gets from taking something that's not hers. She means the person she just hired, but Gaby's getting jealous. She asks if they're still looking for a marketing director and says they should hire her friend Lynette.
Bree shows up at Tom and Lynette's to ask for some aspirin. When he goes to get it for her, she leaves the shaker from last week on the edge of a counter, totally out in the open. She asks Katherine for a screwdriver, and leaves a blue glass globe. She asks Susan for cumin, who gets her cinnamon, and she leaves the candy dish. She asks Gaby for eggs, and leaves a little porcelain sleeping Mexican figurine, but Gaby rushes back and says she forgot that she made omelets and actually doesn't have eggs. Bree's like, "Whatever," but before she leaves, Gaby wonders where the sleeping Mexican came from. She calls Juanita down to find out why she stole McCluskey's sleeping Mexican. Bree can't believe it's not Gaby's, but Gaby says she's been telling McCluskey how racist it is for years. Gaby cancels Juanita's birthday party when she won't admit she stole it, so Bree defends her, until Juanita says maybe Bree did it. Bree offers Gaby further punishment for a stealing child: send them to bed without any supper. Wow. How very rude.
As Bree leaves Gaby's, she sees Orson leaving Bob and Lee's. She has to leave her shoes and purse in Gaby's yard to catch him. He hides his hands behind his back. She asks why he was there after she told him not to. They invited him for coffee. He says he didn't steal, but shows her the mug he's holding behind his back. He says it's his, but she doesn't believe he owns a mug with a picture of Bernadette Peters in Gypsy. I'm so confused. Didn't he steal from people to get back at them for things last week? But now he steals from people for inviting him to coffee? So not nice. There's not even any renegade justice in that.
Lynette's meeting a young-looking guy for an interview. He realizes they both went to Northwestern and asks her age. She won't tell him, so he asks when she graduated from Northwestern. She tells him that if she were dumb enough to answer that, she wouldn't have gotten in to Northwestern. He starts to tell her why he wants to know, but she interrupts to tell him how sick she is with this obsession with age. He tells her they're just looking for someone old enough to help work with one of their clients, an anti-wrinkle cream account. She spouts that she's 54.
Lynette's telling Tom how the guy didn't even flinch when she said she's 54; he totally bought it without a gasp or a "Wow. You look great for your age." Tom thinks it doesn't matter since she got the job, making $80,000 a year. She says it matters because she's 43 and looks 39. Um, I love Felicity Huffman, but that is just not true. First off, she's 45. Secondly, she looks 45. Gaby shows up to congratulate Lynette on getting the job. Lynette wonders how she knew that, and Gaby says Carlos told her. So, she apparently got this job and the wrinkle cream job. Lynette's already committed to the other one, but Gaby says she has to take this one. It's essential that she be there. Lynette says he'd have to match her current offer, and says it's $100,000. Gaby doesn't think that's a problem. Gaby tells Lynette she'll be reporting to Lucy, who's a real star, so she'll want to keep an eye on her.
Swoosie brings Susan a decaf soy latte, saying it's Susan's favorite. I'm sorry, but people who drink decaf soy do so for either health reasons or allergic reactions, but not because it's their favorite. It's fake coffee and fake milk. No one prefers that to caffeine and milk, right? Yet another reason for Susan to annoy me. [Some people avoid dairy products for moral reasons. Have we ever seen Susan eat a steak? - Z] They start to talk about the other night, and Swoosie invites Susan over on Friday for more of the same. Susan tells Swoosie that she's not into women, but Swoosie doesn't believe it because Susan's wearing big lesbian boots, apparently. Susan says she just thought it was going to rain, and is not gay, lesbian boots aside. Swoosie asks what all of the knee touching, compliments, and kiss were about then. Susan says the kiss was all Swoosie. Swoosie says that Susan obviously is tired of living a lie. She says she was her 20 years ago, with a lesbian inside her trying to get out. Susan says she's more worried about the lesbian outside of her trying to get in. The kids come in so Susan asks if they can teach class and talk later.
Creepy Dave sneaks up on Katherine, who's planting something. He asks if she shouldn't be doing her taxes. She jumps, because he's creepy and sneaky. He tells her how disappointed he is she's not coming camping, but she's sure he's relieved there won't be a girl there to spoil the macho fun. He tells her he saw this as a chance to get to know her better. He lies that Mike has become so important to him because he doesn't have many friends. He says that he's seen a change in Mike ever since Katherine came into his life. He's been happier, with an inner peace. And he wanted to get to know the woman who did that for his friend. She thinks that's nice, and says she'll start packing her fleece. I hope she also packs some sort of self-defense weapon. Katherine asks Creepy Dave if he really thinks she's made that much of a difference in Dave's life. (As if Dave would know, you idiot! He's lived there, for like, a week.) He says absolutely, that Dave would be devastated if he ever lost her. CREEPY.
Susan's showing the class the animals that their classmates drew. She picks up a gazelle and then a rhino. She says she loves rhinos, but Swoosie calls her out, asking if she'd really prefer a grunting, sweaty rhino over a sleek gazelle. Susan says she would appreciate the beauty of the gazelle, but if she were going to Africa, she'd be more excited to see the rhino. Swoosie can't believe Susan hasn't had experience with gazelles, even in college. Then Swoosie asks Susan to just say that this particular gazelle isn't appealing to her. Susan says that's not true, and they're dangerously close to not speaking in metaphor with the classroom looking on. Swoosie asks why Susan was interested in her in the first place, inviting her over and all. Susan admits she wanted a good evaluation. Swoosie's face falls, and she leaves. Mia tells Miss Susan it was nice knowing her. Is it wrong that I sort of blame her for this?
Edie's sitting in a weirdly provocative position on a chair, wrapped in a bath robe that's slung low on her shoulders, as Creepy Dave packs some more for his trip. She asks if Creepy Dave's ever wanted kids, and he asks if this is her coy way of saying she wants one. She says maybe, since she never gets to see Travers now that he's off at prep school, and she'd kind of like a girl. Wouldn't he like a girl, with blonde curls. Creepy Dave gets slow and thoughtful and then gets choked up and teary as he tells Edie he had this friend who had a little girl, who was his whole life. Unfortunately, she died in an accident, and a part of Creepy Dave's friend died too. He spent his life after that in a daze, always wondering how old she would have been and what she would have looked like. So, no, he doesn't think he'd want a child; it's just not worth it. He looks at Edie, whose head is down and she is possibly teary, if that's possible. He asks if he's okay and she says she's just sad for his friend.
Bree and Orson are in a therapist's office. She's telling the therapist she had hoped they could solve this privately, but that Orson is unable -- or unwilling -- to control himself. The therapist asks Orson if that's true. Bree answers for him that the therapist will see when Orson takes the lamp. The therapist asks if they'd like couples counseling. Orson starts to say yes, I think, but Bree says this isn't her problem; Orson's the sick one, so fix him. She leaves. Bree asks the therapist if he knows why Bree's so angry. He says this is something she can't control. And Orson loves it. Uh-oh. Do we have another creepy guy on our hands?
Creepy Dave tells Edie she can reach him on his cell if it's an emergency. She tells him to be careful out there, because she doesn't know what she'd do without him. They hug, and it's so sincere on her part. Poor Edie. At the newspaper office, a young kid finds the article Edie was looking for and wonders if he should fax it. The guy says to take his time since she's a pain in the ass. He tells him to wait until tomorrow. The camera shows us a picture of Mike with a headline that says, "Fairview man won't be charged in accident that killed two."
Mary Alice tells us we can find friendly people with hidden agendas almost anywhere: the woman who uses her neighbor to get a job (Lynette, in a suit, heading to work); the wife who uses her influence to hire a friendly spy (Gaby watches Carlos and Lucy leave for work together; apparently they carpool); the husband who uses his charm to steal from his friends (Orson picks up a newspaper). And you can be sure the friendliest people of all have agendas that won't be discovered until it's too late. Creepy Dave gets in a truck with Mike and Katherine as they drive off.
Sunday, Edie tells someone (presumably Creepy Dave) that she always wondered why he was so determined to live on Wisteria Lane. She's drinking wine and sitting on the floor, so you know it's bad. In a cabin, Katherine asks Creepy Dave what his secret is. Announcer guy tells us that revenge has found a home in the neighborhood. Susan turns around and asks someone what they're doing there. Announcer guy continues that it won't rest. Bree asks someone why they'd want to hurt her. That has to be Orson. Announcer guy continues: until a housewife is dead. Gaby says she's scared. Edie says it's insane. Creepy Dave is running through the woods with a gun, then pointing it at something. Announcer guy tells us how shocking the episode is. Susan looks shocked. Lynette looks slightly surprised. Edie looks like she's on the ground in shock. Katherine's moving quickly in the forest. Bree turns around with an unhappy look on her face. We hear a gunshot. See you week. Totally fun and frothy, right?
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see how we think Creepy Dave is gonna get revenge on Mike.
DeAnn is a writer and editor in Portland, Oregon. You can contact her at twopmodmars@gmail.com.