Lynette and Preston argue because he wants to go to Europe instead of college. He finally says he'll be 18 and will go if he wants to. She says if he so much as applies for a passport, they're cutting him off. Preston storms off, all, "Cut off from the Scavo family fortune?! Oh no!" When he leaves, Lynette asks Tom why she didn't have his support on that one, and he says it's because he agrees with Preston: He should go off to Europe and have fun while he can. I also agree with this. It only gets more expensive and more difficult to travel once you have real responsibilities. Lynette wants to keep Preston on track, and tells Tom to take him on a campus tour to show him college can be fun. She uses the words "unemployable loser," which is sort of insensitive to Tom right now. Anyway, Tom agrees and says on his way home he'll show his college diploma to the guy at the burger barn to see if he can work the night shift. Lynette says if he's really stopping there, she'd like some onion rings.
Gaby's putting jewelry on and making herself pretty when Juanita asks where they're going. Gaby explains they're going to a family reunion at Carlos's aunt Connie's and Gaby wants to look her best. She says the party is going to be terrible, because Carlos's family is trash. Juanita wonders why Gaby's wearing her best jewelry if she doesn't like them. Gaby says that's what grown-ups do: Instead of fighting, they just wear nice things to make them feel bad. Juanita says if Gaby hates them so much, maybe they shouldn't go, but Gaby says of course they'll go; they're family.
Bree and Karl are at her storage unit, since she wanted to check on her things (and to show us things that we might see later). She looks at a painting of a vase. Seriously? A painting of a vase? She says it's valuable and should not be left on the floor. Karl calls Bree's "hand-woven Kurdish Kazakh rug" a "doormat," which is totally offensive to her. And to everyone with taste, of course. He then roughly handles a vase. She says she's glad her divorce is almost over so that Karl and Orson will both be out of her life. Karl says she still has a couple of hurdles: the insurance claim. She says she told Orson she filed it, and Karl says by the time he realizes she didn't, he'll be poor and divorced. Karl thinks once the divorce is final, she should probably have sex, and he has some guys he could set her up with. She acts offended that he'd even suggest such a thing. They leave the storage unit, where Orson is spying on them. They don't see him, but he sees Bree.
Susan gets a call from Jackson, who's in an orange jumpsuit in jail. He says he'll be deported in a couple days, but wanted to call her and thank her, and tell her he'll miss her. She says she'll miss him, too, because he's amazing. She asks how the immigration people found out about him, and he says it was an anonymous tip, which he thinks was obviously Mike. She can't believe Mike would do this, but he says Mike and Katherine were the only people who knew, and Katherine was doing cartwheels about them getting married. She thinks Mike wouldn't do that since he knew it wasn't real, but he says real or not, Mike had the look of someone who wasn't ready to give her up. Jackson has to go, but he'll try to call her again before he "leaves." Why can't they just get married and keep Gale Harold on this show forever?! WHY?! Susan looks across the street and waves at Mike, definitely starting to suspect him herself.
Lynette's chopping zucchini when Tom and Preston get home. She asks how the tour was, and Tom's all, "Fantastic." He says it was inspiring, what with the students and professors. Lynette knew if Preston saw the campus, he'd have a change of heart, but Preston says he's still going to Europe. Tom says, yeah, Preston needs a little convincing, but he doesn't; he is going back to school. He says that walking across the quad made him feel alive, so all he has to do is pass an entrance exam. Lynette tries to understand this: So, he'd be a college student again 25 years after the first time? He says this time he'd be focused, though, knowing exactly what he'd want to major in: Chinese. She's all, "Chinese?"
And then Bree, Gaby, and Susan are all on Lynette's couches and they all say in unison, "Chinese?!" They ask why, and Lynette says they didn't get that far before Tom left to buy a backpack. Bree tells Lynette that's definitely bad. Lynette says it's random, but if she points it out, she's a bitch. Susan wonders when being practical and realistic became "bitchy," and Gaby says it was the first time a man did something stupid and a woman pointed it out. Lynette says she knows Tom will learn to count to ten and then move on to something else, so Gaby says she should just do the bitch thing. Bree says she can actually get her way without being perceived as a nagging shrew: She just has to wait for an opportunity that she can use to her advantage, and appear supportive all the while. Gaby suggests just shutting down her hoo-ha until he does what she wants. Lynette thinks she might as well start shopping for beekeeper suits (because beekeeping will be the thing Tom moves on to, obviously). Susan sees Mike arrive home, and excuses herself. Across the street, she tells Katherine she needs to talk to Mike, but he's in the shower. Susan comes inside to wait.
Bree arrives home, calls "Orson, I'm home," and then sees the painting of the vase hanging on the wall. Then the actual vase Karl was fondling. And then the mask. Orson tells her to have a seat. He says he gets that there wasn't a robbery and she wanted to hide all of this stuff, but he can't figure out why. She tells him she wants a divorce, but he tells her he doesn't understand. She says the lawyer says he's entitled to half of everything, so she was trying to hide them, but she's tired of lying and sneaking around, so he can have whatever he wants. He says he doesn't want a divorce, but she says that part's not negotiable. He would like to talk about it, but she says there's no point and that he should make a list of what he wants. He asks if she doesn't want any of it, and she says all she wants is out.
Katherine asks Susan if she can help her, since Mike might be awhile. Susan says she needs Mike, and maybe Katherine can flush a toilet to try to get him out of there. Katherine says Susan seems upset and asks what happened. Susan asks if Mike turned Jackson in to Immigration. Katherine says he didn't, and when they hear the shower go off, Katherine hurries and says Mike couldn't have done it because she didn't tell him that Susan was marrying Jackson so he could get his green card. Susan says Mike sent her a text about alimony, but Katherine says she sent that, actually. Susan asks why, and Katherine says Mike has asked her to marry him, but she was afraid if he found out that Susan and Jackson's marriage wasn't real that he wouldn't want to marry her. Susan says that's totally unfair to Mike -- he needs to know the truth. Katherine says she can make him happy if he just gets over Susan. She asks Susan to please not ruin this. Mike comes down and tells Susan he wants to tell her something, but she says Katherine already told her. Mike says he hopes they have Susan's blessing, and she says "Sure. Why not?" Wow, Susan. That was convincing. Mike apologizes, saying he wanted to tell her himself. Susan says not to be mad at Katherine, since everyone knows she can't keep a secret. Was that supposed to be nice, because it seemed sort of bitchy?
Gaby, Carlos and the girls walk up to Connie's, and Gaby says the place looks worse than ever. Carlos says she's not doing so well and maybe Gaby should take off some of that jewelry. Gaby instead makes it even more obvious. Carlos wonders why Gaby hates the woman who is like a second mother to him, and I wonder why Carlos is letting his second mother live in poverty. Gaby says she hates her, and Carlos just doesn't see it. But then Connie comes up and greets Carlos and the girls warmly, then tells Gaby how beautiful she looks. Then she hugs her. Not exactly hatred there, Gaby. Connie invites them to the backyard for some of her world-famous tamales. Juanita tells Gaby that Connie seems nice, so maybe she's changed. Gaby says trash doesn't change; she must be up to something.
Lynette's unloading groceries, when she checks the answering machine. There's a message for Tom from someone in admissions telling him the admissions exam is actually tomorrow morning at 8. Tom walks in with another load of groceries, and Lynette tells him that this whole going-back-to-school thing deserves celebration. She thinks they should go out for dinner and wine, but he actually thinks margaritas sound even better. Lynette thinks Tom and tequila is a great idea.
Back at the family reunion, Connie is about to make a statement about something. Gaby has to get a drink first to try to keep down one of the tamales. Connie says there's nothing more important than family, but she now has an announcement to make. She has battled a weak heart most of her life, and the doctor says she may have only a few months left. Gaby cracks her soda can and everyone glares at her. Connie continues that she's been taking care of her beautiful granddaughter, Ana, and wonders if anyone can help by taking her in. People speak up and say why they can't, and just as Carlos is about to volunteer Gaby interrupts him to say they should all think about it overnight. Connie agrees that's a good idea, and she won't judge anyone for not being able to help. Gaby says, "We love you, Aunt Connie," in a totally fake voice, and everyone claps. Carlos glares at Gaby.
Bree's making a salad in the catering kitchen when Orson comes in and pulls some chives out of the fridge. Bree asks what he's doing, and he says he's helping. She tells him she doesn't need help and her Parisian salad doesn't call for chives anyway. He tells her he's always thought it was bland, and that the chives will give it the bite it's sorely lacking. She says it has plenty of bite, but he starts chopping the chives. She asks when he's moving out, but he says he's actually not. He's decided to stay so they can work on their marriage. She tells him she gets that this is hard, but the marriage is over. He tells her that she might change her mind once she weighs what's at stake. He's not talking about the money, though, but her freedom. He says he's been to jail, and she won't last a day. She says this isn't insurance fraud because she never filed a claim, but he tells her he filed one in both of their names. He says that since she carelessly rented the storage unit in her own name, the police will find him blameless. She asks if he'd really send his wife to prison. He says not his wife, but definitely his ex-wife. He tells her he knows they've had their challenges -- her "penchant for emasculation," his kleptomania -- but that every marriage has an ebb and flow. Yeah, those are all ebbs, Orson. She asks him to please not do this, since she doesn't love him. He tells her that's okay, since he has enough love for the both of them. That is seriously messed up, but I can't decide if I hate Orson or Bree more at this point, so I don't really care. He sprinkles chives on her salad and says it's not bland anymore.
Carlos asks Gaby if they can talk now, but she thinks there's nothing to talk about since he won't even let the girls get a dog, and now he wants to take in a teenager. He says this is about doing the right thing, and it's what family does for each other. She thinks it's good the family's big, and that taking in another kid is a huge risk to their own children. He agrees, and says it's a risk Connie took for him and his mom after his father left. They had nowhere to turn, and Connie saved them from the streets. Gaby thinks Connie's dying on purpose to call that favor in. Carlos says that they are blessed, and that maybe God gave him his sight and this money so they could help his family. He asks her if something happened to them, wouldn't she want someone to do this for their girls.
At the Scavos, Lynette and one of the twins are dragging Tom into the house. He's very drunk, kisses Lynette and tells her he loves her. He tells the twin, "And I love you, Preston." Twin: "I'm Porter." Tom: "I never could tell you two apart. But you're my favorite." Tom asks why Lynette let him drink so much, and Preston asks why they stayed until closing. She says they were celebrating, and then says there's a new message, and plays it. After it's over, Tom says, "Ah, cram! I gotta crap for that test." Hee. Lynette pretends to be sorry. She is totally mean to him. Why do I love their relationship so much?
Creepy Dave pours himself a drink when he gets another text on the Dr. Heller phone. It says it's Claire and asks him to call. He pours more alcohol, and Dr. Heller's sitting behind him telling him they're onto him now that they've identified the body, that they'll trap him and find him. They can trace cell signals, so Creepy Dave throws the phone against the wall and breaks it. He says Dr. Heller is wrong; he's getting away with this. Lila and Paige are on the stairs, and Lila asks why he'd want to. She says it doesn't matter if he's caught, since he's doing this for them. She says they miss him, and should be together. He asks if he should just walk over and kill MJ now. Edie, sitting on the couch, says "Sure. Why not?" Then says his plan to take him to a lake and pretend it was a drowning accident is boring. She says Susan should know why MJ had to die, since the whole point is to make her suffer. And then the whole world will know what he's been going through. There's suddenly a gun in his hand instead of a drink and all the ghosts are gone.
Susan interrupts Mike and MJ, who are throwing a ball outside. She asks to talk to him, and they go inside, apparently leave MJ outside alone. She apologizes to Mike for not being enthusiastic about finding out about him and Katherine. She says it kind of came out of nowhere, that it happened so fast. She wants to make sure he knows what he's doing. She asks if Mike loves Katherine. He asks why she would ask that, and she tells him to just answer it. He says, "Yeah, I love her." Susan says good and that that's all she needed to hear. She says she hopes they'll be very happy together and turns to go. He tells her that he hopes everything works out with her and Jackson. She says she doesn't know if that's going to happen, and then says the truth is... complicated. Katherine runs in, breathless, and says MJ said Susan was there. She wonders what they were talking about, and Mike says they were talking about her, actually. She wonders what about, and Susan says she realizes she never properly congratulated her. She gives her a hug. Katherine's skeptical.
Lynette's on her laptop when Tom comes in. She asks how the test went, and he says it's as though he "dug down deep and I found a new level of suck" that he didn't know existed. She says she's sure it wasn't that bad, but he says he puked tequila in the parking lot, passed out twice in the essay section, and giggled when he read the word "Uranus." So, basically like any other college freshman. Oh, and he also is pretty sure he spelled "Scavo" wrong (they won't mark him down for that). She says it's okay; they'll get a book for him to learn Chinese. He says you can't learn Chinese well enough to work in the international market from a book. She's all, "International market?" He says he wanted to totally reinvent himself, since someone who could speak Chinese with his marketing skills would be valuable. She says that's a brilliant plan and wonders why he didn't tell her. He says it doesn't matter now, and he's sorry he let her down. Someone is feeling a little guilty. [And stupid. How can she not know that China is a goddamn emerging marketplace? - Z]
Susan can't believe Mike and Katherine are getting married this weekend, but Mike says that's what's great about Vegas: No waiting. Katherine asks Susan if she wants to come and be the maid of honor, but Susan says no thanks. That's sweet, but totally ridiculous (although something I would sort of expect Susan to say yes to). She pretends she and MJ have big plans this weekend. Speaking of, Creepy Dave is putting ammo in his gun, tucking it in his pants, and walking toward MJ. He reaches behind him to pull it out when Susan runs out and greets him. She asks if the boat's still available this weekend, because she thinks he was right: They should get out of here for a few days. He agrees, saying it would do them all some good. And he laughs his crazy, creepy laugh. How on Earth do none of these idiots see how insane this man is?!
Aunt Connie is on the phone, thanking Carlos and Gaby for taking in Ana. She says she can finally be at peace, and tells him she loves him. She thanks Gaby, and gets off the phone. Another relative comes in and hands her a beer, asking if she's going to tell them the truth about Ana. Connie says they'll find out soon enough, and they toast their beer cans.
Lily Tomlin gets a phone call from Dr. Heller's receptionist. She asks if Roberta remembers her. She tells her the police stopped by and told her Dr. Heller's dead. Then Roberta's in her leather hat at Mrs. McCluskey's, filling her in that he died in the fire, except that the lack of smoke in his lungs means he was dead before the fire. Roberta's guess is that the person he was coming to see is the person who killed him, and they both obviously agree that's Creepy Dave. Roberta wants to go to the police, but Mrs. McCluskey thinks they need more proof first. So they decide to break into Creepy Dave's to find proof and to get him back for breaking into Mrs. McCluskey's.
The detectives on the nightclub fire case are speaking to our orange-jumpsuited Jackson. They thought he skipped out when he missed their appointment, but he says they can see he was otherwise detained. They show Jackson a picture of Dr. Heller, but Jackson has no idea who it is. They tell him that's the guy who died in the fire. They ask if Jackson saw him in the back hallway. Jackson says it's the same as he told them that night: He was only back there for a minute. They ask if he saw anybody. He says he was looking for the men's room and ran into Creepy Dave coming out of the storage room. The detectives are all, "Wait! You saw Dave Williams?" Jackson's like, "Yeah. Didn't I tell you that?" He says Creepy Dave pointed him in the right direction of the bathroom, and the detectives ask if it was right after that that someone locked him in. Jackson's all, "Come on. You think Dave did that?" They ask if Dave had reason to harm him, and Jackson says, "No. We're friends. He's one of the nicest guys I've ever met." Man, the people on this show are dumb. The detectives thank Jackson for his time, and he apologizes for not being more help. After he's gone, the detectives wonder why Dave's never mentioned being in the storage room in the four times they've spoken to him.
Creepy Dave gets his "I killed MJ" tape ready and heads to meet everyone in front of Mike's. Mike and Susan are putting MJ in the car. MJ asks if they don't catch fish, can they eat the worms. Mike says to please catch some fish. Creepy Dave comes out and gives Mike the tape. He says it's a rehearsal tape of their band, and would Mike not watch it until after the honeymoon? Mike says "will do." Susan comes over and says a sweet, sad goodbye to Mike, as if she knows she might die. Or, you know, maybe she just knows he's going off to marry someone else. She tells him to have a nice wedding and they hug and look sad. Mike leans in the back car window to MJ and tells Creepy Dave to take good care of his boy. Dave smiles and says Mike can count on him. Mike looks briefly at MJ and smiles, then we get the side mirror view of Creepy Dave's smiling face with Mike looking at it in the mirror, too. Creepy Dave doesn't know he's looking, though, and his smile quickly turns to his evil, determined Creepy Dave face, and Mike sees it all. He looks, frankly, freaked out, but doesn't say anything as Creepy Dave drives away. He watches, puzzled, as they drive off. Then he goes inside his place, looking thoughtful, and puts the tape in his top desk drawer instead of, I don't know, watching it?
More to come in the second hour.
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DeAnn is a writer and editor in Portland, Oregon. You can contact her at twopmodmars@gmail.com.