By Evany
It's opening day at the Scavoria, but thanks to a huge ordering screw-up on Lynette's part, there's nowhere to sit. Tom is not pleased with Lynette's ad hoc, boho solution, which is to borrow a random hodgepodge of seating from everyone in the neighborhood, and things are icy in Scavoland. But then Tom gives a choked-up speech thanking Lynette, and Lynette melts, aw. Zana convinces Gabby that she slept with him in a drunken haze, and Gabby asks Carlos to play jealous and scare him away. Carlos approaches Zana at the urinals of Scavoria bathroom and happens to notice Zana's penis, which is gigantic -- so gigantic that no amount of boozing could have blocked it from Gabby's memory. Gabby confronts Zana, and he confesses that he staged the whole thing. And then he asks her to marry him. What? Gabby answers with a resounding "no." Ian goes down to the hospital to pick up his (dead coma wife) Jane's things, but somehow the hospital managed to switch Jane's things with (former coma) Mike's possessions, a convenient mix-up that allows Ian to discover the engagement ring Mike had planned to give Susan the night he got run over. Desperate to seal the deal before Mike remembers anything more about his love of Susan, Ian asks Susan to marry him. Susan answers with a resounding "yes." Orson's big cliffhanger fall is broken by some branches, so he's alive, but his near-death experience prompts a flashback that reveals that Gloria killed Monique and then guilted Orson into helping her cover it up. Alma climbs out the window of that attic room Gloria locked her in, and then falls off the roof. Bree is at home, recuperating from her own fall, and irresponsible Danielle is put in charge of watching over her. Sweet-talking Gloria arrives with a gift of tranquilizer-laced soup for Bree, and convinces Danielle to leave Bree in Gloria's charge. Gloria then drags the drugged Bree into the bathtub and is just about to slice Bree's wrists -- making it look like a suicide -- when Andrew comes home just in time! Gloria whacks Andrew over the head with her cane, and it looks like curtains for Bree. Except that then Orson arrives just in time! Orson and Gloria tussle, Gloria has a stroke, and Orson carries her over to Alma's house to die, where he discovers Alma dead in the flowerbeds. He leaves Gloria lying there on the grass, making it look as though the stroke was the result of the shock of discovering Alma. Orson then plants Alma's suicide note -- the one she wrote for her own faked suicide a couple episodes back -- to the bag of Monique's teeth, which means that Mike is now off the hook. Oh and somewhere in there we also discover that Gloria pulled the same staged bathtub-suicide trick on Orson's philandering father and then made young Orson think that it was all his fault. In short, Gloria is pure evil. She's also still alive, but she's completely paralyzed and unable to talk, so she's silenced and essentially done. Quite the season finale! Oh, wait.
Previously: Orson didn't think suicide is all that funny, Susan and Bree's friendship is on the rocks, and then there was all that falling down that we saw last week (Bree falling off that idiotic ladder and Orson falling off the rooftop parking garage at the hospital).
The show picks up right exactly where it left off: Orson is still slooowwwwwlly falling, falling, falling. Through MAVO-powered insight, we learn that passing in front of his eyes during what are almost surely his last few milliseconds on earth are scenes from the night he arrived at Monique's house, champagne and roses in hand, all ready to celebrate some fantastic news -- Alma leaving him, maybe? Possibly? The muddled Fairview timeline being what it is, it really could be almost anything. Only Monique's in no mood to celebrate, what with her head all bashed in. Crazy Mama Hodge, it seems, has gone and killed Monique in an act of "self-defense." Orson murmurs something about how much he loved Monique (which is kind of surprising seeing as how generally underwhelmed he seems about her death here), and then he makes a half-hearted attempt to call the police. Gloria, with the glaring menace that can only mean "important plot point," reminds Orson that she, too, once lost someone she held dear, all thanks to Orson, and now he owes her big time. Dun dun dun, etc. Orson agrees to help Gloria to get rid of the body.
But then Mike arrives with that spare part for Monique's sink, and this time around, when the yellow-rubber-gloved Orson pops up from behind the counter (the same shot we saw in Mike's hypnotic flashbacks), we see that Monique's dead body is lying right to him, in a big pool of blood; Orson handily drops a towel over it to stop it oozing into Mike's sightlines. As Mike turns to go, Orson stops him and hands him back his wrench -- i.e. the murder weapon -- and Mike gets a nice good, fingerprint-leaving grip on it.
Down at the golf course, Orson digs Monique's grave, which is admirably deep; now we know how Orson keeps so trim (digging graves is incredibly aerobic). Meanwhile, Gloria is struggling to yank Monique's teeth out with a pair of pliers. She pays Orson a sick compliment about how she now finally appreciates the difficulty of Orson's job, and Orson suddenly gets all enraged over Gloria mangling Monique's mouth. Why Orson, I didn't know you cared! No, seriously, this is the first real indication of any emotional investment in the death of Monique that Orson has displayed in these scenes. Orson and Gloria tussle, and Gloria falls into the grave, breaking her hip. And another key to the Season 3 puzzle slides into place: now we know why Gloria walks around with that gangster cane. The origins of her inexplicable Phyllis Diller wig, however, still remain a mystery.
And with that, we return to the present. Orson is still, still, still falling, until -- surprise! -- he bounces off some tree branches and lands, safe and more or less sound, to a bunch of doctors and EMTs, who race to his side and report that he still has a pulse. He also has a number of hilariously fake-looking wounds randomly distributed across his face, which are I guess supposed to be lash-marks from his run-in with the tree but which actually look more like the purposeful cuts found distributed across a high-school sophomore girl's t-shirt, circa Flashdance. MAVO reports, with that particular smug tone she uses to deliver news that we're supposed to find wowfully surprising, that Orson will indeed live to see another day. Credits!
We return to a "morning wakeup" montage. Edie blinks into the brightness of dawn's early light, Old Cat Lady awakens to the alarmingly loud purr of a handsome grey kitty, and Susan's eyes flutter open to the smell of a fresh cup of coffee brewed for her by Ian (those two sure are in love...apparently...whatever). Then the montage turns to Gabby. MAVO: "Yes, there are many things a housewives likes to wake up to, but an unexpected guest in her bed is not one of them." Oh right, the patented Mary Alice love of beginning every sentence with "Yes," combined with her distaste for contractions. Yes, it all reminds me of how much I did not miss her during my all-too-brief hiatus from the show. Gabby's "unexpected guest" turns out to be Zana, who is sitting to her bed, reading the paper, wearing nothing but boxers. Guys? On a scale of 1 to 10, how worried should I be that I have no problem whatsoever with the naked chestibule of Cody Kasch? Ka-ching! (How about that "Kasch"/"Ka-ching" thing -- I should at least be worried about that, right?) Gabby is despicably hung-over and confused to find herself wearing nothing but a little white slip. Zana gleefully explains that she and he did the dirty last night; points to a condom wrapper sitting artfully by the bedside as proof. What is this, Chapter 4 of Trapped In The Closet? Oh my god, a rubber, rubber, rubber, indeed. Gabby races off to the bathroom to hurl, and Zana helpfully volunteers to hold her hair back -- an offer that she rather rudely declines. I can't help thinking about what a pervy-good time Zana must have had setting up this little charade. The very idea of him disrobing a skunk-drunk Gabby makes my stomach crawl -- you just know he took his sweet time, too. And pictures! And rubbings...lots and lots of commemorative rubbings.
The "wake up" theme reaches Lynette, who rolls over to find the bed empty. Tom, it seems, is in a crazy panic over the looming opening of the Scavoria and has been frantically making breadsticks all night. In fact, he's only had "four hours of sleep in the last three days." Lynette promises to go down to the restaurant to take care of last-minute details, and then talks Tom into taking a sleeping pill and getting some rest. Tom -- who apparently has seen neither Sixteen Candles nor Working Girl, because otherwise he would know better than to take sedatives right before a big event -- grabs the pills and heads on up to bed. In short: the stage is now set for another spleentastic Lynette Scavo fuck-up jamboree. Also: why do the Scavos have a bottle of sleeping pills just lying around? I guess it could be left over from Lynette's bullet-wound recovery, maybe, but wouldn't it have been so satisfyingly continuity-friendly if she'd made Tom drink that hippie sleep-aid tea she got back in Season 1? Another golden opportunity: missed.
And now it's Bree's turn to rise and shine. She's still in the hospital, recovering from her wildly improbable mishap with the ladder. Honestly, the only way that tooth-bag-dangling-over-a-shoddy-ladder scenario could have looked more like a trap would have been if they'd stuck a big hunk of cheese on top. How dumb do they think we think Bree is? So it looks like Bree's foot is busted, and she's still really groggy. Andrew is by her side to pat her hand and inform her that she isn't the only Hodge to have had herself a great fall: Orson, too, is now a guest in said hospital, recovering from what people are now calling a suicide attempt. Bree scoffs at the idea that Orson would try to end it all, but Andrew gently reminds her that someone tampered with that ladder rung. And he did overhear Bree order Orson to go to the police, "or else." What Andrew's saying is that he thinks Orson tried to silence Bree...forever, and then felt so guilty that he took a flying leap. Bree's face rearranges itself into a "thinking" face as she ponders Andrew's dark theory. Private to Marcia Cross: Congrats on the birth of your twin daughters, Eden and Savannah -- two better names for future soap stars have never been found!
Ian and Susan arrive at the hospital to pick up Jane's possessions. While the nurse goes to fetch them, Andrew rolls in. What, haven't Ian and Susan heard the news about Bree? Cut to...
...Susan tentatively peeking her head into Bree's room. Bree looks very happy to see her. Susan, moved by the near-death severity of Bree's accident, rushes to apologize for her multiple-episode scheme-fest to get Orson blamed for Monique's murder, but Bree interrupts to tell her that Mike is actually, totally innocent, and Bree plans to tell the police the whole story. Friends? Friends!
Meanwhile, Ian gets Jane's stuff from the nurse, only there's been some kind of mistake: these are Coma Mike's things. Another incredible Fairview mix-up? What are the odds? Sigh. The reason for this particular Desperate coincidence is that it allows Ian to find the engagement ring Mike intended to give Susan the night he got knocked into a coma. Ian's British brow furrows in consternation. Or maybe he's just yearning for a Marmite sandwich; British people do that sometimes. Susan bumbles up, and in her rush to tell Ian that Bree is in possession of info that will set Mike free, she knocks the ring box out of Ian's hands. Susan absently picks it up and hands it back to him before racing off to buy Bree flowers. Huh, the Susan I know would have been on that ring box like white on a wedding dress, especially since Ian already brought up marriage just last week, but okay.
Commercials. Hey everybody, get ready to roll out the red carpet for Oscar week! And then tune in as Barbara gets with Ellen, Jennifer, Helen, and Eddie. (Marco: "My God, when did Eddie Murphy stop being funny, exactly?" Evany: "I don't know...when did Beverly Hills Cop II come out?")
The plug for Barbara Walters's (very special) Special drops us off at the Bachelor Bungalow. Carlos is just getting off the phone with the hospital after confirming that Orson is going to live. Mike is worried about what Orson's going to say about him once he wakes up; in theory, Mike's fisticuff session with Orson could get him "charged for attempted murder." The camera pans over to the open front door to reveal Susan standing there, looking very much like she just overheard that "attempted murder" part. And the "Dude, Make Way for Another Hysterical Misunderstanding" piano tinkles.
Down at the Scavoria, Lynette, looking harried, is on the phone with Andrew, begging him to take a break from his vigil over Bree and come down and help with the opening later that night. Andrew agrees, and Lynette races off to sign for the chair delivery. Hold on, did someone order fifty highchairs? Yeah. And that someone would be Lynette. Turns out she got some numbers transposed in her original order. Lynette snaps at the delivery guy for not being more suspicious of an order for fifty highchairs, and he semi-hilariously tells her that he just thought they were opening a baby-themed restaurant, "with the games and the animatronic rats." Actually, that idea's not half bad. After all, movie theaters host baby nights; why not a restaurant dedicated to screaming, food-throwing infants? That, or the Scavos could go after the adult baby fetish market. ["Either way, it would be nice to know there was one eatery in town you should definitely avoid, right?" -- Wing Chun]
So now Lynette's frantically calling all these chair rental places, only they're all booked because it's "Bar Mitzvah season," whatever that means. Aren't Bar Mitzvahs based on birthdays? In which case, they should be pretty evenly distributed throughout the year, right? The chair place has a measly five chairs available, and Lynette pounces on them.
Carlos knocks on Gabby's door and she answers, still looking well hung-over. He's there to find out why, exactly, he spotted Zana leaving Gabby's earlier that morning. Gabby tries to pretend that Zana just stopped by to drop off a belated birthday card. But then Carlos goes in for the zing: "Why was [Zana] in your driveway at 7 this morning, in his underwear?" Gabby crumples to the floor and confesses that she and Zana had sex: "At least that's what he told me." As she's tearfully explaining about her drunken sex, Lynette comes tumbling out of the house, carrying a chair, and the incongruity of the moment is a nice touch. Gabby grabs Carlos by the collar and begs him to help her with Zana, who now thinks he's her beau. So much for Gabby's independent streak. Carlos, turning to leave: "God, I can't believe you bagged another neighborhood kid." Gabby, in a high-pitched screech: "Where are you going?" Carlos: "To go warn the Scavo boys." Pow!
Orson is awake and sitting up in his hospital bed. His face is even more hilarious than before. Was there an angry cougar hiding in that three that he hit during his tumble? Because, really, his face is an insane mask of cat-scratch fever. The makeup department has apparently gone completely bananas. Yet again. Orson's doctor is questioning him about his mental state, based on the suicide-y looking fall Orson just had, along with (the doctor consults Orson's file) his history of mental illness. Incidentally, there's a huge cross nailed to the wall behind Orson. Is this some kind of churchy hospital? When the doctor makes it clear that Orson isn't checking out of the hospital until he shares about his mental problems, Orson spills his story: when he was sixteen, his father had an affair, which caused a "scandal" at the family church. Father fell into a booze-soaked depression, and Gloria became worried about his safety. So when she left the house one night to go "visit a sick friend," she told Orson to watch over his father. Only Orson had "made plans with friends," so young Orson left his dad alone. When he returned, he found his father dead in the bathtub, his wrists slashed. Doctor: "And you blame yourself?" Orson, with a rueful smile: "I didn't need to. Mother blamed me enough for both of us." The doctor suggests that Gloria's guilt trip must have really "put a strain on the relationship." Orson: "Yes, but now and then she suggests little ways I can make it up to her." And the creepy "Murderous Manipulative Mommy" music swells.
Gloria, standing in some unidentifiable kitchen (Alma's?), is on the phone with the hospital, asking after the progress of a patient by the name of "Hodge." The person on the other end asks her to clarify which Hodge she means. Wait a second! Cut to...
...Gloria knocking on Alma's attic door. Alma, locked inside, begs Gloria to let her out. Gloria tells her through the door that it "won't be long"; there have been some interesting developments. For one thing, she just discovered that Orson tried to kill himself, which, as Gloria points out, isn't exactly the act of a "happily married man." Alma, sighing, "Gloria, for god's sake. Give it up. He doesn't love me." Wow, finally the woman wises up. I guess Alma has now magically stopped being crazy? Maybe Gloria should spend a little time in a locked attic, too. Gloria comforts Alma with the ominous news that "Bree will be gone soon," and Alma looks worried. Gloria leaves, and Alma rushes over to the window and starts working on the screws holding a metal screen in place.
Down at the Chairless Whisper, Tom walks in, still groggy from his Bad Idea Pills, and is not at all pleased with the sight that greets him -- the bohemian rhapsody of chairs Lynette has cobbled together. He guilt-bombs her with a silent, icy stare, and she looks stricken, though maybe it's just that she's finally noticed the décor. Holy wow is there some bad, weird art in that place. One painting features crowds of semi-clothed men tumbling from the sky, and another has Victorian ladies dancing with fans, also in the sky. And the paintings are huge -- like, six feet tall -- and cut out into weird shapes. And I believe they've also been edged in bright blue neon? Wow. Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you the Scavo Crap-eteria!
Down at Casa Van De Have A Nice Trip, See You Fall, Danielle, pouting and sporting an unfathomable head of Ed Grimley hair, is pitching a fit all over Andrew: she doesn't want to babysit Bree (who's now home from the hospital), stomp, stomp! Unfortunately, as we established earlier (yay, continuity!), Andrew has to work at the Scavoria tonight, so it's up to Danielle to stay with Bree. Even though all her friends are going to be at the opening (stomp!), and Austin has promised to slip Danielle some beer (stomp, stomp, STOMP!). Andrew screeches off in the family luxury vehicle, and Danielle screams after him, "I liked you better when you were a psychopath!" Gloria, who's standing across the street and looking incredibly shifty, witnesses the whole thing.
Scavoria Grand Opening. The joint is hopping, and the pizza is looking not at all bad (that said, I've eaten nothing but cupcakes in the last twenty-four hours, so pretty much any relatively grown-up food looks good to me). Gabby is at the bar, buying a half carafe of the hair of dog, but before she has time to snap open her purse, Zana is there to foot the bill. Zana's hair, it should be noted, looks resplendently nuts, with artful curls flipping up everywhere like he spent the morning in hot curlers. Hey Zana? Rachel from Friends called, and even she thinks you your hair is stuck in second gear. And it isn't its day, or week, or month, or even its year. Gabby seems poised to give Zana the heave-ho, emphasis on "heave," when canny Zana plays the dead mom card. "This is really the first time that I've been happy," he gushes, "since my mother killed herself!" Gabby, who usually has no problem being heartless with motherless children, for some reason is floored by this strategy. She giggles and excuses herself. Zana dives in for a parting kiss, and she limbos out of his arms. Bleh, this wretched storyline can't really end soon enough for me.
Gabby races over to Carlos and asks him to "threaten" Zana so that she doesn't have to break the kid's mommyless heart. If only Gabby knew how dangerous Zana really is, and that people who stand in his way turn up dead, she would think twice before putting Carlos in Zana's way. Or I'd like to think that she would; I guess Gabby is always just a few quarters away form moral bankruptcy, so really there's no telling what she'd do and who she'd risk. After a fair amount of wheedling, Carlos finally gives in. Zana heads to the bathroom, and Gabby urges Carlos to follow him in and "get all 'cholo' on his ass." Wait, does this mean Carlos and Zana are in love?
The bathroom is fairly palatial by small-family-restaurant standards. Usually, there's just a one stand-alone bathroom, maybe two (one for each sex). But apparently the Scavoria not only has its own men's room, but it's outfitted with two urinals in addition to a stall. Why oh why is Carlos confronting Zana in the bathroom? Oh, so that way he can get an eyeful of Zana's gigantic cockadoodle. Once again, I am compelled to compare Desperate Housewives unfavorably to Rescue Me, which also featured a men's-room confrontation, but on the (alas far superior) FX show, the argument ended with one of the men peeing all over his brother's pants. Which is like a metaphor for men's territoriality, except that it's literal.
After being treated to two eyefuls of Zana penis, Carlos zips up and hightails it out of there, taking his findings directly to Gabby: "I don't care how drunk you were. If you had sex with him, you'd remember." And then, just to be clear, Carlos pokes one of the authentic Italian sausages hanging from the ceiling for emphasis. Hmm, I'm not entirely sure how well that logic holds up, Carlos. For one thing, many penises look huge when flaccid (and I'm just assuming, and praying, that Zana's penis was flaccid in the Scavoria men's room) and yet don't look all that impressive come the besexing hour. And even if Zana is actually hung like an...Italian sausage, people still do crazy things in the midst of blackouts without remembering a thing, so it doesn't necessarily follow that sex with Big Zana is by definition memorable regardless of the rate of alcohol consumption. Though, ew, do you think Carlos means Gabby's vagina would remember it? Oh. Well then...moving right along.
Gloria arrives at the Hodges' bearing barbiturate-laced soup, and has no trouble at all talking Danielle into serving the soup up to her mom ("You wanna score some points [with Bree]? Don't say I brought it? Tell her you made it yourself!" Gloria says maniacally). Remember the days when the writers on this show at least made an effort to explain how people got hold of their prescriptions for sedatives? But now it's just "Hey Orson, drink this bourbon laced with downers and Viagra," and "Tom, pop this an Ambien," and "Bree, can I interest you in our Secobarbital Soup special?" Gloria just as handily talks Danielle into leaving Gloria in charge of Bree as the slutty young thing races off to embrace her irresponsibilities down at the Scavoria. As Danielle's getting into her car, Alma -- who's managed to break free of her attic prison and is now perched precariously on her roof -- calls out to Danielle. But Danielle's so busy checking herself out in her compact mirror (you mean she knows her hair looks like that?) that she completely misses Alma's slipping off the roof and plummeting to her death. Since when did Fairview become Fairview Falls? You know, if I lived there, I think I'd look into buying a nice, safe one-story ranch house, thanks.
Down at the Penis Parade, Tom thrills to Lynette that there's a "line out the door," but she receives the good news with a decided frostiness, vis-à-vis Chairgate. Equally chilly: Susan's reaction to Mike when they bump into each other, vis-à-vis her overhearing him confess to being involved in Orson's fall. To her credit, Susan comes right out with it and tells him what she heard, but he's unwilling to chat about it right then and there because the matter is "complicated." Susan, coolly: "It always is with you." It's a good line, but coming from the most complicated woman on the planet, it comes off as self-delusionally smug rather than mature.
Across the room, Gabby confronts Zana about lying to her about their sexing, and eventually he confesses, claiming that he just wanted her to see him as a "man, not a boy." Gabby: "A real man is honest. All you've tried to do is bribe and trick me into falling in love with you. A little advice time? Don't play games." time? What time? Oh Gabby, you really left the door open on that one.
In another corner of the restaurant, Edie ting-a-lings her glass and launches into a toast -- they had to shoehorn some lines for her somehow, I guess. She is, of course, wearing a very strange outfit: a black satin vest layered over a plunging button-up corset-thing, which reveals the full shine of both her moons. She gives a little speech, and then Tom takes over and gives a tearful little toast -- with "Sad, Whipped Clown" music under -- about how he owes it all to Lynette. He gets so choked up that "Pants In The Family" Lynette has to take over and finish up the toast. Tom and Lynette hug cutely.
, Ian picks up the public-speech baton and gets down on bended knee. Julie immediately figures out where this is going and orders Susan to drop her slice of pizza. Ha! Ian proposes, and Susan -- after pausing briefly to swallow the pizza in her mouth -- says yes. It's a cute little scene, and I'd be happy for them if Ian hadn't clearly rushed into the proposal out of fear that Mike was going to get his ring back and remember all about his love for Susan. That, and the whole problem of Ian and Susan's complete lack of chemistry -- I mean, he's been around for fifteen episodes now and I still regularly forget his name? That is not a great sign.
The Little Black Cloud that is Zana takes in this heartwarming scene of proposals and marriages on the mend and decides that now this is his "time" with Gabby. He leaps up on his chair and proposes to Gabby. After an awkward pause, there's a smattering of applause, which Gabby silences by shouting, "There will be no clapping!" And then to Zana: "You. Moron. Come with me!" They head outside.
Down at the hospital, a nurse gives Cat Scratch Orson a pill --a sedative, I presume; that does seem to be the theme of the episode. Then she tells him that Bree got sent home earlier, and also that Gloria called while Orson was asleep to make sure that he was staying the night at the hospital, a confluence of news that galvanizes Orson into a state of red alert. He calls home but only gets the machine. With his panicked voice leaving a message in the background, we watch as Gloria pulls a big, fat knife out of a drawer in the kitchen, which cliffhangs us straight into commercial.
When we come back, Gabby and Zana are out behind the restaurant, yelling, yelling, yelling. Gabby tells Zana that their friendship isn't going to work out because she's never, ever going to love him. Zana: "Twenty years from now, when you're all middle-aged and alone, you're going to regret this." Nice. The Authentic Italian Sausage Dick storms off, and Carlos comes out and hands Gabby a beer. They share a nice little moment: Carlos tells Gabby that he sympathizes with Zana, given how hard it is to be nothing more than just Gabby's friend. Oh, these two are so getting back together. Is this the last we've seen of Zana? Not by a long shot. Gabby had better watch her back. And her front. Isn't it almost Zana's turn for a ride on Danielle?
Inside the restaurant, Andrew notices flaky, slutty Danielle sitting with her friends. Hey, here's an idea. How about a scene between Julie, Danielle, and Austin, seeing as they're all at the restaurant tonight and we've still yet to see a scene about how angry Julie is at Danielle for sleeping with her boyfriend? And while we're at it, maybe Justin could show up and confront Andrew about how their relationship completely evaporated with nary a peep out of anyone. And hey, how about Kayla? Shouldn't she be at the opening, raising hell? No?
Casa Van de Marcia Cross Shot This Whole Episode While Under Doctor-Prescribed Bed Rest And Thus Must Lie Prone In Every Single Scene. Bree is lying in bed and, thanks to the drugged soup, is barely conscious, but she seems aware enough of Gloria's murderous gloating to be clearly afraid. Gloria, it should be noted, has become so over-the-top evil, it's like she's in her very own Bond movie. Also her body is pure Nightmare Before Christmas, all claymation-y and hyper-extendy and weird and, oh, it's just very hard to even look at her. Gloria traipses off to set the stage for Bree's "suicide": wearing the yellow rubber gloves of murder, Gloria fills up the bathtub and surrounds the rim of the tub with candles and photos of Bree with Orson and her kids. Then Gloria returns to Bree and apologizes for having to kill her: "Monique -- that was easy, she was a slut. But you're a good woman. You didn't know Orson already had a wife." Ah, so it all boils down to Gloria and her nuttiness surrounding her own husband's philandering. Gloria shrugs and then lifts Bree up by her feet, dragging her off toward the bathtub. A very, very impressive (by which I mean utterly unbelievable) display of strength for a gimpy old lady.
Back at the hospital, Orson's nurse swings into his room carrying a tray, but the sing-song declaration of "din-ner" dies on her lips when she notices that he's not in bed!
Gloria somehow lowers Bree, who's now totally unconscious, into the tub. A car screeches to a stop out front. Gloria darts to the window and sees Andrew running into the house. Inside, as he's mounting the stairs, Gloria sucker-clocks him with her cane, and he crumples down to the landing, &agave la Gabby and her miscarrying tumble or Mama Solis's deathly post-coma slip. Again I say to the people of Fairview: it's high time to invest in some nice, flat, ranch houses.
And now a brief pause for the post-dramatic stair fall commercials.
When we return from commercial, Gloria is forging full steam ahead with her fake suicide plan, which seems maybe less than smart in light of Andrew's inopportune arrival. Gloria would have to be crazy to think that people are going to believe Bree got up on her broken foot, went downstairs to get a knife, climbed back upstairs to clock her son with a cane, took a bath with her robe on, and then sliced her wrists. And yet? As has been abundantly proven throughout the season, Gloria is indeed just that crazy -- perhaps even crazier. She grabs the knife and wraps Bree's hand around it to make sure her prints are all over it.
A cab pulls up out front: it's Cat Scratch Orson, home to save the day. He stagger-walks (I guess he's still a little sedated) into the bathroom and finds Bree posed in the exact position his father was when he committed suicide. Suddenly it dawns on him that Gloria killed his father, too. "You've done this before," he whispers to Gloria. She stares at him with her dead eyes, and then turns her attention back to the knife and Bree's arm. Orson races over and they battle savagely (way to go, Dixie!), Meanwhile, Bree's drugged head slips quietly underwater. Orson tosses Gloria to the floor and then lifts Bree out of the bathtub and carries her to the bed. Andrew wakes up from his stair-tumbled swoon, and Orson orders him to get Bree some blankets. Gloria plaintively calls out to Orson from the bathroom. Looking disgusted, Orson returns to discover Gloria paralyzed on the floor. Apparently, she's had some kind of stroke. But Orson so does not call an ambulance for her. Instead, he tells Andrew something about not wanting Gloria to die in their house, and then he carries her over to Alma's, where, to his surprise, he finds Alma lying dead in the garden.
When Bree wakes up, Orson is right beside her. He tells her, in hushed, comforting tones, that he's not sure how it happened, but that Alma is dead. Also Gloria is never going to bother them again. Orson narrates the way the story is going to play out, and while he says it, we watch as everything he predicts comes true: Old Cat Lady discovers Alma and Gloria lying like tired zombies right there in the front yard, and calls the authorities. The police discover Monique's teeth, which Orson planted alongside Alma's suicide note, which Orson recycled from Alma's fake suicide attempt, and conclude that Alma was responsible for the killing (which is sort of posthumously unfair to Alma, but then again, she was a rapist). And then Ghostbuster Ridley drops all charges against Mike. Which doesn't really absolve Orson of the evil of trying to kill Mike, but okay. Orson tells Bree that the two of them are going to take off on that "honeymoon [they] never got around to." Bree smiles, but then she asks what's going to happen to Gloria -- is she "just going to get off scot-free?" Ah, to the contrary...
Down at the hospital, a now completely mute and paralyzed but still totally conscious Gloria sits stoically in her hospital bed. Orson comes in and tells her that she's finally got the life in prison she deserves -- well, that was a little stroke of good luck! -- and then he turns her head so that she can see him walking down the hospital corridor and out of her life forever. I'd say that they've left Gloria dangerously poised for a grand recovery, but that would be too far-fetched for this show. Oh wait.
And now for the MAVO summary: "A surprising thing happened to Orson Hodge as he left Fairview Memorial Hospital: his life began to flash before his eyes. But it wasn't his past he saw. It was his future. Ordinary suburban days, filled with ordinary suburban moments, each made beautiful because of the housewife by his side." We see Orson smiling as he watches TV, polishes the silver, and gazes into the sunset with a big red head of hair -- obviously Marcia Cross's body double, but something about the way they show only the back of her head reminds me of Bobby Hill's love affair with a mannequin head. MAVO: "Yes, Orson could finally envision a life free from secrets and pain, and he couldn't wait for it to begin." Orson opens his front door and, smiling hugely, yells, "Honey, I'm home!"
Up : Edie's son finally, finally makes an appearance, Danielle is pregnant, and Orson and Bree take off on their "honeymoon," i.e. Marcia Cross takes off on some maternity leave.