Dawson's Creek S04E28

Hey, just outta curiousity, if everything you loved was taken away, how far would you go? And what if you took revenge on an innocent man? Just curious, cause thats what the preview for this Luke Wilson direct-to-video movie is asking me. Weve also got trailers for Made, Requiem For A Dream, and a Treat Williams movie that looks like it was shot on digital video. Nice to see that Dogma 95 has reached direct-to-video thrillers. Anyway, let us now enter the magical world of Cash Crop.

Cheap-ass direct-to-video titles play as a tractor full of bales heads down a country road. A young man in a pickup truck follows; he rewinds a tape by sticking a pencil in it and twirling it around, which is a total shout-out to me, because I invented that. I know. Im not funny. He plugs in the tape and something that sounds like Lyle Lovett fills the soundtrack. The truck drives, a helicopter flies overhead, we take in the rich farm country scenery, and if John Cougar Mellencamp is in this, I quit. Enter the credits. So is his name Van Der Beek or Van DerBeek? Whatever. The helicopter lands while Farm Guy pulls up to a farm, aptly enough. He heads into the basement, carrying a little terrier, possibly named Cookie.

Upstairs, a woman is playing with her baby. Hey, neat. Its Marian from The Others. You know, The Others? Bunch of people with psychic powers? Also starred Missy Crider and Bill Cobbs? Saturday nights on NBC? Anyway, shes here. In walks Farm Guy. We establish that their mom and dad are at the bank. Farm Guy and Sis razz each other back and forth a little, until Farm Guy hits upon an unassailable argument: Fuck off, Lou. Andy, please! Im tryin real hard not to raise a redneck here, all right? Not in front of him! Hey, Im from Massachusetts and my favorite word is pigfucker. Does that make me a redneck? Andy mock-apologizes to the baby, who is not even paying attention, choosing instead to dig on his own fly baby groove.

Meanwhile, at the bank, The Riddler and his gang wereyeah, I wish. Mom and Dad sit in the waiting room as Big John, a pissed-looking farmer, is ushered out. The banker welcomes then inNow heres someone Im happy to see! he says, eliciting an evil glare from Big John. Dude, dont mess with Big John. Mom and Dad are named Alice and Jake, by the way. Dad hands the banker an envelope full of checks. Dad is played by Jeffrey DeMunn, one scary-ass looking Hey Its That Guy. Yall ever see Citizen X? I hereby christen his character Farmer X. Farmer X and Mom chat with the banker; it seems theyre doing a bit better than the other farms in the area. I wish everyone were in this shape, but youre still treading water. The banker tries to convince Farmer X to sell to Eastern Properties, which is, no doubt, an evil conglomerate that wants to turn their land into a chain of mini-malls and animal testing laboratories. He demurs, but the banker will not be denied, hammering away at them. Youre too small, Jake. Prices havent risen since the sixties. Really? Wow. What does this guy farm, anyway? Come on, Jake. Youve been given a great opportunity to get free and clear of all of this, and still have enough left over. Farmer X amps up the scary as he says Enough left over for what? One of those two-bedroom clapboard shacks in Oxford? Alice tries to soothe Farmer X a bit, but it seems this guy weaseled them into borrowing $300K against their property a few years back. Well, maybe Easternll let us live in one of their new houses right where our old house is. I admit, folks, Ive never lived on a farm, so maybe actual farmers really, really enjoy it and would rather go bankrupt than sell out to The Man, but I do believe I would leap at a chance like this. Then again, if I were stuck on a farm, Id leap at alien abduction, too.

Enter the Beek, big as life and twice as greasy. Hes riding with Andy and a pal. Oh, were talking the big hair, the sloping brow, all the magic youve come to expect. He lights a jay, takes a long drag and lets it out almost immediately. Well, of all the rumors weve ever heard about him, we can cross pot smoker off that list. I take a moment to pull myself together, because the mention of rumors reminds me of that thing I heard about him and his birthday and...Im okay now. If you dont know what Im talking about, good. For Gods sake, dont try to find out. He passes the jay to his buddy and groans. Andy, how do you get up so early every morning? What, you mean without wakin the bacon? Their buddy in the middle shouts, Whoa, easy there, guy! You know, youre a little ignorant. Phil, I dont think you should be lecturing Andy on ignorance. The boys give us some pot-smoking banter the likes of which you havent heard since Idle Hands, he said, shamelessly self-promoting his recaps. As they pass by a used-car lot, Beek lets it slip that his folks left for the Keys right after graduation. Maybe I should sneak back in and steal back my dads old combine, huh? No worries, man. Gday, Beek!

Andy performs a spectacularly inept U-turn on a deserted town street, going almost all the way onto the sidewalk before turning around, and parks. Andy begins, I know you guys have a tendency to get uppity at these moments Its hard to be uppity when youre high as a kite, Beek interjects. High as a kite? Really. I never knew that one of marijuanas side effects was making the user speak in clichs. Andy gives em One To Grow On on the evils of the wacky tobaccy and gets out to unload plants from the back of the car, leaving Beek and Phil to stoned-banter. You know what I like about Andy? Andy is a fine, upstanding citizen. And loyal, trustworthy, brave, clean, thrifty and reverent. Andy returns with Roberto, who looks to be a waiter at the restaurant Andys unloading the plants into. Did that make sense? Im writing this during the August heat wave, so you may notice a few mistakes in sentence structure, a couple of run-on sentences, and I might start singing the Snow Miser song. Roberto! Como estas? Roberto orders the boys to turn down the radio. Beek gives Roberto the full smug and says theres a business matter he wants to discuss.

Inside the restaurant, Farmer X and a couple of his friends are talking with Sheriff Johnson. I got a call from the town council yesterday. Another test came back contaminated. Your cows are shittin in the creek again, Henry. The fines a grand. Henry, who is Michael J. Pollard-esque in his bodily structure and choice of hairstyle, refuses to pay. Cows gotta shit somewhere. Man, screw the rest of this recap, Im gonna go put that on some T-shirts! Alice leans over from the tableapparently the menfolk and the wimmenfolk have to eat at separate tables in this townand says Lets go, honey. As Farmer X and Alice split, Henry and the Sheriff continue to argue over the cows. So the whole point of that scene was to establish that cows shit. This is some plot we got here, folks. By the way, the Sheriff is played by John Slattery from Sex and the City. I think hes the guy that wanted Carrie to pee on him or something like that.

Robertos house. Mina, Robertos sister and doppelganger of Liz from Roswell, greets Roberto and the boys as they walk in. (By the way, were twenty minutes in and nobodys called Beek by his character name yet, so hes Beek as far as Im concerned.) Andy looks uncomfortable. Roberto steps out to fetch Ye Olde Potte; Mina follows. Beek and Phil look after her, and Beek proclaims her to be a nice lookin filly. Go ahead, puke some blood. Youll feel better. Everybody uncomfortable-silences all over the place. Roberto returns with a bag and orders Phil to douse his cigarette. He then asks Mina to go into the kitchen and get him an iced tea. Mina does not recognize that this is code for Please go away while I give these idiots several dime bags full of oregano and twigs, and stomps upstairs. Roberto unloads several big-ass bags of herb until Beek stops him. Name your price, amigo. At this point, my price would be for him to stop trying to speak Spanish. Eight fifty.

The boys are cruising through the streets. I didnt even know farm towns had ghettos. This is it! Beek proclaims. Cruising with good friends, getting hiiiiiigh off some primo bud! If he starts yelling I am a golden god! Im so breaking this tape. Beek sells a bag of the stuff to Phil for fifty. Ohhh, okay, Beeks a dealer. Damn, I didnt think he could smoke that much. Hey, James Hey, another revelation! Beeks character name is James! Ah, but screw it, pot dealers should have funny names, so hes staying Beek. time you wanna do this, take your or Phils car, all right? Whatsamatter, you dont like slumming? You would know, Mr. Texas Rangers. You like Robertos little sister! You should thank me for providing you with the opportunity to check her out! Think time, you can saddle her up and take her out for a ride? Beek lets loose with one of the worst "Yeeha!"s Ive ever heard. Dude, you spend half the year in North Carolina. How do you not know how to Yeeha? Andy ineffectually complains at Beek. You could be less of an asshole, you know. I think science has pretty much disproved that by this point, but... Well, yeah, I could be less of an asshole, but then I wouldnt be any fun! Take comfort from that, DC viewers. The boys decide to throw themselves a kegger. Its gonna be bitchin tonight! Sheesh. Any minute now, I expect him to start screaming Snootch to the noonch! I dont suppose theres any chance of these guys getting a hold of some of that American Beauty bud, is there? Might cut down the hackneyed crapola a bit.

The Farms greenhouse. The family is inside, tending to the plants and eating lunch. Farmer X comments on the fact that the tape deck in Andys truck is broken; it doesnt fast-forward or rewind. Much commiserating on how much that sucks. Why dont you just play tapes from where they are? Lou asks. You dont start playing tapes in the middle. Everyone sort of pauses, like Andys just uttered some Really Deep Shit, Man. Alice hands Andy a wrapped gift. What is this? You really are a slow-witted fellow, arent you, Andy? Its your graduation present! Its a new tape deck. If youre taking care of broken stuff, Dad, why dont you take care of the taillights on the truck, huh? Lou complains. Jeez, Lou, at least let him thank em first. This is kinda expensive. Farmer X waves him off. Were doin fine. Blah blah we have no cows, blah blah well be milkin again, rain on the scarecrow, blood on the plow.