“ Okay, forget the rest of this recap. I'm writing up my script for Psychic Doctor and selling it to UPN! What? They did that? Oh, right. The Others. Damn. ”
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You know...it's not like I begrudge Sam Raimi this new respectable career of his. If he can make the big ducats by directing Kevin Costner baseball movies, hey, more power to him, right? I just kinda miss the completely insane Raimi of years past. So let's get this straight going in. To the best of my knowledge, The Gift does not contain any high-speed tracking shots, screaming skeletons, melting faces, chainsaws, or Bruce Campbell. Not to say that it doesn't have its own pleasures.
We begin with cicadas and other bugs filling up the background. Fade in on a foreboding swamp at night. "Do not bring...your evil...here." Hi. I suck. We follow a tall, spooky tree down to the roots. Suddenly, there is a clap of thunder, and we get a blipvert of a woman's body falling to the ground. Does it qualify as a Bullshit Scare if it's eventually going to have something to do with the plot? Fade to the swamp by morning. This is intercut with shots of several boys walking across a bridge over a river, and somebody laying out what look like a cross between tarot cards and those psychic research cards Bill Murray used in Ghostbusters. They've got similar symbols: stars, squares, water. We see the face of the dealer; it's Annie, as played by Cate Blanchett. The kids are walking down a street now. I'm sleepy.
And now, we begin the plot proper. Annie's house. Annie receives a basket of peaches from a visitor (Cornelius, according to the DVD). They walk into a back room. Annie puts her hand on Cornelius's back and asks if he's been sick. "Have you been bleeding somewhere?" Cornelius says he has, but he hasn't been to the doctor. "I don't much like goin' to no doctors." Ahhh. Not overly keen on book-learnin'. Annie advises him to go as she deals the cards. "It's not a venereal disease. I just think it's some kind of kidney or bladder infection." Okay, forget the rest of this recap. I'm writing up my script for Psychic Doctor and selling it to UPN! What? They did that? Oh, right. The Others. Damn. Annie hands him the deck; he cuts it. Annie asks Cornelius if he wants her to call the doctor for him; after a moment, Cornelius gives her the go ahead. You know, I really like saying "Cornelius."
Later, the boys -- Annie's kids -- are watching Heckle and Jeckle when Annie shoos them off to bed. The two younger kids head off to bed, but their older brother shows no signs of movement. The middle kid, holding his sleeping younger brother, turns around and asks Annie a question: "What does 'fuck' mean?" Annie tells him, "It's a bad word for somethin' nice." "But what does it mean?" Well, it was originally an abbreviated version of "For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge," a sign that was placed on convicted fornicators as they languished in the stocks. I think. To be honest, I only remember this because of that Van Halen album of the same name. ["Actually, it's derived from a Dutch word involving cattle breeding." -- Sars] Annie looks a bit uncomfortable as she tells him that "it means making love. It's how your daddy and me made your brothers and you." And then she goes into way too much detail about lubrication and girth and...okay, not really. Annie picks up toys and pushes the oldest brother, Mike, off to bed. "Oh, Mike, your lip's draggin' the floor. It's gonna freeze like that!" This may be a good time to mention that Billy Bob Thornton co-wrote this with his partner, Tom Epperson.
“ 'Mrs. Wilson, I don't pretend to be a psychologist...' Oh, but you should! It's tons of fun. I pretended to be a psychologist for a little while and diagnosed the hell out of some people! And except for that one poor bastard who clawed his eyes out, they're all doing great. ”
That night, Annie lies unsleeping in bed. She stares at a picture on her nightstand of a man sitting to Mike. She tears up, puts her hand over her eyes, and turns on the light. She picks up a book and starts to read. I know. Don't worry. Any minute now, you're gonna have more plot than you can handle.
The morning, in Annie's House o' Psychic Healin', a new customer is cutting the cards. Pan up to reveal Hilary Swank. Hey, she's a girl! I don't know if you heard about that, by the way. I mean, that cleavage-flashing shot in Premiere didn't quite convince me. "Valerie, you may as well take your glasses off. I know he's been hittin' you again. I see your lip." Valerie's wearing big sunglasses and a mullet. The glasses don't quite hide the shiner, and her upper lip is cut. "Oh, it -- it just embarrasses me." Well, I can see how. It's a really bad haircut. Annie finally convinces her to take the glasses off. Valerie's right eye is almost completely swollen shut. "He got worse," she says. "I went to the store yesterday 'cause we's out of some things. And he got home from work early, before I could get back." Because as we all know, all women go out and have affairs during trips to the grocery store. Schmuck. "He was waiting with a razor strap. My legs are all cut up. And I got welts the size of footballs on my back and my legs." Jesus...well, what can I say? Somehow, snarky comments don't seem to fit in here. Annie shakes her head. "I feel guilty, you payin' me money to tell you to get away from him. You got to get help! Legal help!" She needs Matlock! Matlock'll nip this shit in the bud, you watch. "You don't know Donnie Barksdale." I don't pretend to understand what makes a boy grow up into a wife-beating piece of shit, but I gotta say, if I grew up with a name that sounds like one of Scrooge McDuck's cohorts, I might grow up a little pissed off too. "Rrrarf! Rrrarf! Ri'm Ronnie Rarksdale!" Look, I'm just trying to inject some levity before Keanu Reeves shows up. "He'll kill me if I leave him. He'll find me!" Annie deals some cards and shakes her head. "No, he's not crazy enough to kill anybody. He's just an insecure redneck." We also would have accepted "brutal thug with a tiny penis." Valerie thinks Donnie has a woman on the side. "Hey, aren't you that guy whose wife is always showing up in bruises and casts? Buy a lady a drink, handsome?" Sheesh. There's a knock at the door; it's an old lady, telling Annie that the school's on the phone. "They say Mike's in some kind of trouble."
The school. Annie parks a rusty rattletrap out front and walks inside. It's off to the principal's office she goes! Said principal is Wayne Collins, played by Greg Kinnear. Wow. Who woulda thought Talk Soup would lead to this, huh, Greg? Gives me hope that someday we'll see John Henson again. Whatever happened to Skunkboy, anyway? ["Was last seen taping a 2000-season pilot for ABC, which obviously didn't get picked up. Nothing on the IMDb since then; maybe he's 'dehydrated.'" -- Sars] Principal Wayne tells Annie that Mike's in the infirmary with a few nicks and bruises, with a possible black eye in his future. Hey, has he been seeing Donnie too? Seems Mike's a bit of a fighter. "His grades are getting worse too. How's he doing at home?" "Not much better. He's real distant." "Mrs. Wilson, I don't pretend to be a psychologist..." Oh, but you should! It's tons of fun. I pretended to be a psychologist for a little while and diagnosed the hell out of some people! And except for that one poor bastard who clawed his eyes out, they're all doing great. "...but it's obvious to me that your boy's got a lot of anger in him." Hey, he must be a DC watcher too! Annie reveals that it's been about a year since Mike's father died. "I never knew your husband. I understand he was a fine man." "Yes, he was." And the two of them sort of nod at each other for a while. Wayne tries to talk Annie into getting Mike some therapy, but Annie's not havin' it. "Mike doesn't need a therapist, Mr. Collins. He can talk to me." Wayne fingers the therapist's card he was about to give Annie and sets it down. "Do you think he will, though?" But of course! It's an established fact that troubled boys always confide in their mothers. Oh, wait. That's the exact opposite of an established fact. It's not true at all, really.
The Gift
At the door, we hear a voice: "I'm sorry, Wayne. I didn't know you had anybody in here." We have Katie! It's Katie Holmes, all prepped out, sweater around her neck and everything. Wayne introduces her as Jessica King, his fiance. Wasn't that Spider-Woman's secret identity? Jessica and Annie shake hands, Jessica giving Annie a condescending smile and tone generally reserved for members of the Witter family. Wayne tells Jessica it's going to be a couple of minutes, but Annie decides to split. Before she can go, Jessica asks, "You're not that Wilson that's a fortune teller, are you?" Annie says she doesn't call herself that, but it bounces right off Jessica's Southern belle brain: "I'd love for you to read my fortune." Annie explains that she's booked up as Jessica puts her head on Wayne's shoulder. "Do you think we'll live happily ever after?" Sure, sure. Just stay away from proms on boats, otherwise your boyfriend will really dump on you out of left field, almost as though he was being controlled by shitty writers or something like that. Annie looks at them long enough for it to become uncomfortable; as she does, we get a dose of Sudden Breeze That Denotes Supernatural Activity, copyright Amblin Entertainment. Annie watches as a pencil rolls off Wayne's desk in super-slow-motion. A shadow passes over Annie's face as it falls. It lands by Jessica's feet, which are suddenly bare, covered with mud and surrounded by water. "What's the matter?" Jessica snots. "You see somethin' bad?" Yes, she does, and it's Wayne's haircut. "Course not," Annie says as Jessica almost glares at her. "No, I'm sure you'll be real happy together." Annie stumbles out, leaving Wayne and Jessica to go up to his room and watch 1941: The Director's Cut.
As Annie pulls into a service station, her door swings open of its own accord. Enter Buddy the mechanic, as played by Giovanni Ribisi. He ambles over to Annie and exchanges pleasantries. Annie tells him that the door keeps flying open. "I-I-I can get to it, uh, about an hour or two." I know, I know, Giovanni Ribisi as another stuttering man-child, I know. Hang in there. Annie can't wait, since by now she's got a long line of people outside her house waiting for her to tell them why it hurts when they pee, so Buddy offers to give her a ride home. Wincing, Annie says, "I'm a little low on my money this week." Buddy waves it off. "For all that you've done for me, I just -- I just think the world of you. You're about the only one I call a friend to me." Awwww. Not since My Two Dads has Ribisi shown such vulnerability. (And even then, he was showing it to Greg Evigan.)
The Gift
“ Mike is asleep with a photo album on his chest. It's open to a picture of Mike and his dad building a model airplane. I'm guessing there's no pictures of the aftermath, with father and son yelling at each other as they try to get rubber-cemented airplane parts off their hands. ”
Buddy and Annie truck on back to her place. Annie asks how he's been. "I've been havin' some, uh -- some bad thoughts lately." You mean like when you're in a mall and you're waiting for your computer to be fixed so you can go home and finish your recap, and you ask if it's ready yet, and the pimply-faced clerk looks at you and says, "Yeah, I got hungry, and I ate your computer" and you remember that the sporting-goods store has baseball bats on sale, and the morning you wake up covered in blood? "But you know, yesterday, I was feelin' so happy, I was feelin' on top of the world." So was I, once I washed the blood off. "Good on you!" Annie says, smiling. Good on -- huh? Cate Blanchett's Australian, right? I get the feeling she tossed that in there, since I don't recall ever hearing that during my time down South. "I didn't even feel like I needed my medicine!" Buddy adds. Annie's smile fades a bit. "But I took it anyway." Relief. "Well, I think you're gonna have a lot of happy days, Buddy." Me too. Sunday, Monday...happy days. Tuesday, Wednesday...happy days. Thursday, Friday...happy days. Saturday! What a day! Groovin' all week with -- ahem. Anyway. "Well, uh, I believe you when you say so." Buddy blinks a bit. You can see him growing tense. Annie calls his name a couple of times. Suddenly, Buddy slams on the brakes, sending Annie smashing into the dashboard. Buddy, barely holding it together, says, "You have to tell me. You have to tell me now. If I look into a blue diamond, and I think a negative thought, am I gonna die?" Annie says no as the audience says, "...the hell?" "You're not gonna die, Buddy." Buddy breaks down as Annie comforts him. "Okay...well, thank you, 'cause if you had said 'yes,' I would have to kill myself before the sun goes down!" Annie continues comforting him. "You don't have to kill yourself, honey, you know I'll always tell you..." She then leads him in a sing-along of "Teenage Suicide (Don't Do It)." Buddy starts to dry his tears with an oily rag, but Annie gives him what looks like a baby's bib. "I can't soil that!" Annie gives it to him anyway. Buddy, largely recovered, starts the truck again. "I-I can walk home. You don't have to drive me," Annie says nervously. Aw, come on, Annie, don't be such a snob. Ride with the suicidal man-child! Buddy tells her he's all right as they pull out. "You just take it nice and slow," Annie says, putting a hand on his back. "Nice and slow."
Night at Annie's House of Pyschic Healin'. Annie checks on the kids. Mike is asleep with a photo album on his chest. It's open to a picture of Mike and his dad building a model airplane. I'm guessing there's no pictures of the aftermath, with father and son yelling at each other as they try to get rubber-cemented airplane parts off their hands. Annie takes the photo album and turns out the light.
As she closes the door, Annie hears her screen door being opened. There's a knock. Annie peers through the curtains. "Could I help you?" The man outside -- we don't see his face yet -- takes off his cap. "Yes, ma'am. I'm Donnie Barksdale. I'm sorry to bother you so late, but I believe you know my wife Valerie." Annie doesn't blink. "Yes, I do. I know who you are." "Can I come in and talk to you? It's about my wife. Somethin's happened to her." Despite all logic and self-preservation instincts, Annie opens the door. At least she leaves the chain on. "What's happened? She okay?" "Well, no she's not, ma'am," Donnie says. We still can't see his face. "Ma'am, I promise. I'll just take a minute." To kill you! Mwah ha ha ha ha! Annie undoes the chain and opens the door. Donnie walks in, past Annie, into the living room, where he starts poking at a mobile one of the kids made. He turns around, and we get the full Keanu, with longish hair and a raggedy beard.
The Gift
Donnie drops the pretense: "What's happened to her is, she's gettin' her head filled full of shit by a goddamn Satan worshipper!" Marilyn Manson? He's in this film too? Shit, I'm leaving. "Or a damn good con artist, one of the two." Annie takes a step back, realizing just how very much she has screwed up. "I know she's been comin' over to see you and your damn voodoo! You tell her bad things about me, don't you?" What, you mean beyond "Boy, Donnie sure does beat the shit out of you, doesn't he?" I think she could have figured that out for herself. Donnie goes on to say that Ms. Wilson is comparable in morality to a person of the Jewish faith or an African-American. Translate that to redneck-ese yourself. I don't feel like it. Annie's sons poke their heads out, roused by all the insane bullshit. Donnie reaches into a pocket and pulls out a doll. "D'you know what this is? It's a voodoo doll." He takes a few steps forward. The voodoo doll is a troll doll with a devil head stuck on top of it, and that would crack me up if Keanu weren't creeping me out right now. "I'm gonna use this voodoo doll on you, some of your own medicine." Annie tries to turn away as Donnie shoves the doll in her face. "If you don't stop seein' my wife, I'm stickin' me a pin in this thing every night 'til you learn to leave folks alone!" Mike and the middle kid -- hell, let's call him "Jan" -- step into the living room. "Go back to bed. Everything's fine," Annie tells them. Donnie takes a look at the kids. "I bet you love those little children, don't you? And I bet they need their mama, don't they?" Donnie leans towards the kids. "What's your name?" Annie snaps and lunges at Donnie. "Get your ass outta my house!" She gets in front of the kids. "Now what I do here is my business! And if your wife has any sense, she'll leave you so far behind, you'll never find her! Now you get out of here before I have you thrown in jail!" Donnie heads for the door, and Annie pushes it closed after him, but at the last second, he slams the door back, staggering her. He stands over her and says, "Messin' with the Devil is gonna get you burned. Everybody knows that." Yeah, well, everybody also knows that threatening children is wrong, don't they? "I'll see you soon, boys," Donnie says as he leaves. Annie closes and locks the door and ushers the kids back to bed. We hear Donnie's tires squealing. You know, say what you like about Keanu Reeves -- I have, most of it after watching the trailer for Hardball (or, as I like to call it, The Mighty Ducks 4: The Quest For Peace) -- but he is one scary bastard in this movie. I think it's the voice; most of his roles, he can't make his surfer-dude voice match the part he's playing. Luckily, surfer dude is not too far removed from psycho redneck.
The day, the boys are painting Annie's living room. "Somethin' smells like cat pee!" the youngest kid says. "It's perfume, Ben," says Jan, "and you're not supposed to cuss in front of appointments." Ben gleefully repeats his new cat pee catchphrase in front of two ladies waiting for their readings. Thanks, Ben. We needed that.