They control everything, except the viewer's attention span
Every popular TV show faces two important questions with regard to the future of its cast members. First: who gets the spin-off? Second: who gets the big movie career? In the case of Cheers, neither answer could really have been foreseen (Frasier? Woody? Come on…). In the case of Friends, the answer very well may be nobody (unless Gunther gets a spin-off, and Lisa Kudrow finds one or two more parts worthy of her). And in the case of Dawson’s Creek, the jury is still very much out. I mean, they already did the spin-off. It was that prep school one, with the character whose name was Krud, or something. The recaps are hysterical, read them. But who will conquer the multiplex? The smart money is on Katie Holmes right now. And, if I had my druthers, that’s not all I’d put on Katie. Kerr Smith and The Beek don’t seem to have what it takes. Andie McWho? got cut from the roster before the show had even run its course (by which I mean literally; the show has run its figurative course long since…). But that Josh Jackson: the charisma, the impish glint in the eye, the willingness to play gay characters without complaining about it…well, without further ado, let’s take a look at this ridiculous movie:
The Universal logo appears and spins around, so we can get a sense of what it is exactly that The Skulls control: everything. Then, over a creepy Skull logo, we see the following text: “Every year at certain Ivy League colleges, an elite group of students is chosen to join Secret Societies. Unlike fraternities, these Societies conceal their actions as they mold the leaders of the future. At least 3 U.S. Presidents are known to have been members.” My favorite sentence is the second one, which implies that fraternities mold the leaders of the future, too, but openly. Whereas the truth is, they mold the alcoholics of the future. Many of whom are also U.S. presidents, I guess.
Then, we switch to a shot of an undulating river, and hear the Tinkly Piano of Calm Waters Soon To Be Disturbed. More text tells us: “The most powerful of these has always been…THE SKULLS.”
Later in the recap, I will tell you how members of Secret Societies are actually chosen. It’s funny.
In a boathouse, sweaty and chubby-looking, Pacey works out on a rowing machine well into the evening. Then, a disorienting series of establishing shots take us to the sunlight of the day, to a college campus that appears to be in the American Collegiate Gothic Style, like a certain unnamed Ivy League school, and finally into a high-ceilinged dining hall. Pacey is working behind the counter, serving food with impish charm and a smiling glint, or whatever. Some scarf-wearing asshole pushes to the front of the line and demands more oatmeal (the reference to Oliver Twist, I’m guessing, is unintentional). The potentially tense moment is defused when that blonde girl from Popular mocks the scarf-wearing guy, and she and Pacey share a laugh at Scarf’s expense. Ohohoho. Foolish upperclass twit, demanding his silly oatmeal! Oh, but wait: Scarf calls the girl a bitch, so Pacey is forced to reach across the counter and grab him by the scarf: “I realize it's 8 A.M. and you haven’t had your triple soy decaf latté yet, but a kid with your breeding should have some manners. So I suggest you apologize to the lady.” Anyway, Pacey flirts with Popular, who is apparently a friend of his, and invites her to watch his “race” at 4 P.M. Banter, banter, blah-di-blah.
I have to say, kids like Scarf, while they do appear from time to time at certain unnamed schools, were universally ridiculed and mocked. The basic assumption was that they were morons who were on campus only because their parents had donated sufficient funds to build a library named after them.
Pacey is in a seminar, where the topic of discussion seems to be, coincidentally, “Is America really a class society, or is it a meritocracy?” In fact, the professor asks this very question at the precise moment Pacey sneaks a peak at a Law School viewbook, which lists the yearly tuition as $45,000. The seminar room, by the way, just like the dining hall, and everything else in this movie, is shot in Vaseline-lensed, butter-edged, sun-dappled tones. I would like to make fun of them, but they make me nostalgic for college, because I think my memories are butter-edged, too. Anyway, Pacey says, in response to the question: “Well, I believe that it’s both, sir?” The professor asks how it could be both, as though the suggestion that a society could combine elements of classism with elements of advancement based on merit totally implausible. Pacey, though, says, “Merit is rewarded with wealth, and with wealth comes class.” The professor tells him nice recovery.
A dangerous-looking car with fish or something spray-painted onto the back chases down Pacey as he bikes to his race. He knows the occupants, who apparently stole the car: “If you give a shit, Luke.” “Yeah, if you give a shit, man.” You see, these are his old Townie friends, who he left behind when he enrolled in the nearby…elite…wait a minute, this IS the Dawson’s Creek spin-off, Young Americans! DAMN YOU! YOU BLEW IT UP! Anyway, Townie Pacey tries to banter with his old high school buddies (“I want you to keep stealing cars, cause when I’m a lawyer I’ll make a fortune defending you.”) The girl in the car tells him she liked his hair better long, which I frankly cannot imagine on Josh Jackson, and he tells her the same thing. Like, haha, not. The driver says, “You got your books. Your boats. And your ivy pride. See you around.” What. Ever.
At the dock, Townie Pacey is late to the race, and almost gets his boat disqualified. The team from his unnamed school is wearing blue uniforms with tiny Y’s on the front. Though, to be fair, it’s a different shade of blue and a different font of Y than another certain school use. As the boat pushes off, two sinister Aryan students watch Pacey through binoculars from the stands. It reminds me of The Chocolate War. Anybody remember that? Anyway, Aryan Guy One: “Where did Mr. Macnamara learn to row?” Aryan Guy Two: “In the local sewers I imagine. He’s a townie.” Oh, who TALKS like that? “Mother died in a car crash when he was one. Father unknown.” Thanks, Aryan Exposition Fairy.
A car pulls up, and Paul “Fast and Furious” Walker sits up on the back of the driver’s seat to watch the race. Aryan One and Aryan Two turn their attention to him. “No need to check him out, eh?” “That’s Caleb Mandrake. He was a Skull the day he was born.” Yeah, who are you telling that to? To other Aryan guy? He obviously already knows that. Are you telling us? We’re out here, on the other side of the screen. You don’t know we’re there. Shut up, Aryan Guy Two. Then, we learn that Caleb is an asshole, because when a girl in the back seat says she can’t see the race, he tells her to imagine it. As though she can’t get out of the car, and go sit anywhere on the hillside, or on the hood, or sit up on the back of her own seat, or…whatever. And Caleb, by the way, seems creepily intent on watching this race. Maybe he’d like to get a little Fast and Furious with Townie Pacey, if you know what I mean…
The announcer lets us know that “wearing blue, the Bulldog A,” are the defending champions, led by Townie Pacey, but that the Harvard boat in lane 2 is “promising.” Uh-huh, cause that’s what the P.A. announcers does, is handicap the race. Pacey does a complex handshake thingy with the coxswain. The announcer mentions every other Ivy League school by name; I guess there was no risk of a lawsuit there. Finally, the race is on. The coxswain does not seem to have particularly good rhythm, but the Blue Bulldog boat takes an early lead anyway. But, uh-oh, someone breaks an oarlock, and has to bail out of the boat. Suddenly, the poor Bulldogs only have seven rowers to everybody else’s eight! Aryan Guy One says, “They don’t have a chance in hell.” Shut up, Aryan Guy One. Because Townie Pacey and his rowers win! Win! Win! Woo-hoo! Man, it’s almost as if they were in some kind of “hero boat” that was “supposed to win.” Aryan Guy Two asks if “any of the others” are after him. Aryan Guy One: “He turned them all down. So, either he doesn’t want to join a Secret Society, or he’s waiting for us.”
Later, at Mory’s (I mean at an unnamed New Haven bar where they drink alcohol out of large silver cups and sing the unnamed drinking song that contains the lyric, “Put a nickel on the drum, save another drunken bum”) they all drink and celebrate the victory, while the girl from Popular slaps her own ass for some reason. Later, she plays darts. I’m not kidding, folks, that’s the sequence of shots, I didn’t write the thing. She’s good at darts, and gets a bulls-eye. Hopefully that will be important later, when she has to throw a dart at somebody. Over at a table, Townie Pacey checks his watch, and the coxswain says, “What’s the matter? Afraid you’re gonna turn into a pumpkin at midnight? Or afraid you’re not gonna turn into a Skull?” It turns out tonight is the pivotal night when The Skulls will pick their new members. But, being our hero, Pacey doesn’t want to join the Society for the power and prestige. He needs them to help him pay for his undergrad loans, and his law school tuition which, he banters with Coxswain, amount to so much money that he’ll have to work corporate law for the rest of his life, and drive a used car that “the ladies” won’t like, ohohoho, such banter! What a whimsical take on fears about the future! Coxswain, or, The Exposition Sounding Board, changes gears to another topic of exposition and says, “Forget the Skulls. Start this year off right, and tell Chloe how you feel about her.” That’s the dart-throwing girl, by the by, naturally. Townie Pacey explains that he and Chloe come from two different worlds, and her parents own a jet, and he’s never even been in a jet, and he sings: “Uptown giiiirl…she been livin in her uptown world…” Kidding.
That night, Pacey, Chloe, and Coxswain stroll across the campus, chatting about The Skulls. Chloe tells a story about a guy she dated who left the room and never came back when she mentioned The Skulls, and Coxswain theorizes that, “it must be one of their rules.” Yeah, good rule. Good way to keep the membership secret. Anyway, they stroll by the crypt where the Skulls hang out, and yell at them, but Coxswain says, “Don’t expect an answer. The CIA was founded inside those walls.” Buh? Yeah, because the CIA doesn’t respond to yelling. Anyway, Coxswain’s parting shot, before they move on past the crypt: “All I know is, if it’s secret, and it’s elite, it can’t be good.”
In the enormous, and I mean enormous, dorm-room that Pacey and Coxswain apparently share, they play catch while Pacey checks his watch. Not a single dorm room, by the way, at a non-specified school, is even close to this big. Chloe, who lives upstairs, lures them with pizza, by first sending it down via the dumbwaiter that connects their rooms. I’ll say it again: they have a dumbwaiter. What. Ever. But, just as they sit down for their delicious repast…cheese…sauces…savory toppings…oh man, I’m so getting pizza before I finish this recap. Mmmm. Oh man, that’s good. Okay, so…right…Pacey gets a phone call while they’re eating the pizza. It’s a deep, gruff voice. It instructs Pacey to be at a pay phone nearby in forty seconds. “Are you ready to be reborn?”
He bikes to the pay phone, and picks it up. “Hester Lab. Twenty seconds. Lose the bike.”
He sprints to the lab in, I guess, twenty seconds. There’s a cell phone attached to part of a solar system model, and he grabs it. “Windowsill.” As Pacey searches the windowsill, someone is taking pictures of him from outside. But who? Excuse me, I have to sneeze. Ah…aaaah…aaaaaah…Coxswain! Anyhow, I guess we won’t know for a while who’s taking those pictures. On the windowsill is a glass, labeled “Drink Me,” with a Skulls insignia on the bottom. He drinks it. He passes out. The end.
Oh, wait, no. The movie keeps going. Nine caskets are laid out on a little island in the middle of a subterranean lake. This is an image stolen directly, by the way, from the CD-ROM game “The Seventh Guest.” That doesn’t make it any less cool of an image, though. One by one, the new recruits emerge from their caskets. They are being, I suppose, reborn. One of the caskets doesn’t open, and the others crowd around. Pacey knocks on it, and Caleb Mandrake bursts out: “Wow! Where can I get some more of that shit!” Ohohoho. But the mirth and revelry is interrupted by some mysterious robed figures, high above the recruits, who welcome them to the Skulls, and charge them with a task, “you might call it a test.” They have to steal the mascot of one of the other Societies: the python from Snake and Skeleton. In a southern accent so severe he sounds lobotomized, one of the other recruits asks: “Is this so-called python poisonous?” What does he mean “so-called?” The guy said it was a python. Has he never heard of a python before? Maybe that part of his brain was removed. Anyway, their big clue for the mission is: “A snake without skin shows its veins.”
The nine inconspicuous trespassers clamber over the fence at Snake and Skeleton, not even being particularly quiet. And the following question occurs to me: if the Skulls have been stealing other societies mascots for two-hundred years (as the robed guy said), and if this one is the only one left for them to have a full set (as he also said), and if everyone on campus seems to know that the Skulls test their new recruits tonight, why is nobody guarding this building? You don’t have to answer that. In fact, there is no answer. I just thought I’d throw it out there.
They arrive at the moat, and find that there is no bridge, so Furious Mandrake jumps across the water and slams quietly against the front door, which is locked. Announcing that locks are his specialty, Townie Pacey leaps the water as well, and joins Caleb, who asks Pacey’s name. Pacey points out that he’s been serving Caleb breakfast for three years. “All you guys in the dining hall look the same. Must be the little hats.” Anyhow, Pacey goes about picking the lock: “The skills of a miss-spent youth.” Aww. But we liked your hair better long. He gets the door open, and they go inside, but the building is empty. Though they’ve clearly seen only about 5% of the internal space, they decide they’ve searched it sufficiently and that the snake is not inside the building. It is, rather, ON the building, because it’s the weather vane. Hence: the stupid clue. “Of course,” says Pacey. Shut up, Townie, with your stupid hat, and your sewer-rowing.
Pacey and Caleb climb the handy ladder, as the other recruits look on and murmur uselessly. Getting to the vane itself requires some dangerous Spiderman moves up onto the slanted roof, but they manage, and they yank out the python, and…OH NO! Poor Caleb falls off the roof, clinging only to the python itself, as Pacey tries to pull him up! But…OH NO! THEY FALL OFF THE ROOF! INTO…oh…the water. Where they are perfectly fine, and everyone claps. Hooray.
The day, in a butter-edge, sun-dappled dorm room, Chloe and Coxswain discuss his brilliant editorial in the Un-named Daily News about the evils of the University’s tenure system. Oh, don’t get me STARTED on tenure at that place. Wherever it is. Anyway, I guess now we know that Coxswain is a reporter, as well as being a coxswain. Townie Pacey comes in, squinting at the light, and moving like he aches all over. Via some really bad dialogue, Pacey dodges questions about the night, and Coxswain, whose name, it turns out, is Will, freaks out about how Pacey is now going to spend all his time with the prep-school assholes they’re been making fun of for three years. It seems to me like Will is jumping on an affront that has not yet been given, almost as though this rift is being shoe-horned into the scene with awkward force because they couldn’t make the conflict plausibly motivated…but whatever. Chloe tries to mediate with little success. Pacey tries to walk away, and Will follows him: “We’re at Mory’s, right? Havin’ a drink?” Oh, wow, they actually called it Mory’s…hmmm…they must have gotten permission… “And Caleb Mandrake and your seven new friends walk in. Are you gonna sit with them or sit with me?” Pacey wants to know how Will knows about Caleb, and they start shoving each other, and blah blah blah, and Will leaves, glowering. Pacey wants them to work it out, and says there must be middle ground. Will says, “When it comes to friendship, there is no middle ground.” What does that mean? Poor Will gets all the lines that make no sense. Since when is there no middle ground in friendship? Yeah, don’t compromise, ever, or allow for change, that’s a good way to keep your friends. The phone rings. It’s Caleb calling, and Will tosses the phone on the couch and leaves. Pacey apologetically kicks Chloe out of the room, so that he can talk to Caleb.
Interlude: Okay. Here’s how Secret Societies really work. At the END of each school year, there’s a night called “Tap Night,” during which ALL of the Societies pick their new members. (Incidentally: fourteen, not nine, each year.) It happens at the end of the year, obviously, so that the outgoing seniors can pick the juniors who will make up the year’s group. In this movie, I’m not sure who we’re meant to believe it doing the selecting. I guess random alumni who come back to campus. Anyway, all of the societies, even Skull and Bones (on which The Skulls is based) have been coed for years, and full of non-Aryan people. There are certain legacies passed down, but mostly it works like this: if someone on the women’s volleyball team, say, gets into Skull and Bones, then there ends up always being someone from the volleyball team in every group, becoming kind of an “official women’s volleyball” tap. All of the older ones (Skull and Bones; Scroll and Key; Book and Snake; Brazilius; Wolf’s Head; Manuscript; Aurelean…) have crypts, but many of the more recent ones meet in classrooms. All they do, for the most part, is meet every Sunday and Thursday night and hang out, drink, eat in their private kitchen, and sit around feeling the glow of elitism within elitism for elitism’s sake. ["Word. My brother was in Manuscript, and I've heard stories exactly like this one, which…oh, crap. I probably shouldn't have told you guys that, eh?" -- Djb] Some of them occasionally do community service. Then you graduate, and return to campus for events involving your society, like Tap Night…and…parties. None of them control anything. The end.
Back to the movie: Caleb instructs Pacey to look under his pillow. For no reason, Caleb is wearing no shirt and stroking a trashy looking blonde in his room. Anyway, Pacey finds a Skull pendant in a snazzy case. He and Caleb congratulate each other. So wait: they passed the test because they got the python. However, the other seven of them just stood by and did nothing. Did they get to be Skulls, too? That doesn’t seem fair somehow. But, sure enough, all nine of them march into the crypt, late that night. As they enter the secret underground room, Pacey notes various security cameras in the walls. He probably also notices the word “WAR” in giant letters on the wall. And, finally, he notices Coach, who is standing in the middle of the room. “I’m Judge Litton Mandrake, and on behalf of the Council: welcome.” I guess he’s not a Coach, but rather, a Judge. He is also presumably Caleb’s father. He tells the recruits that they will each be paired up with a soulmate, someone to be there for them at all times. He gestures towards his own soulmate, who is among the various old white men ranged around the room. Now a Senator, Coach Judge’s soulmate is also the guy from CSI. CSI says, “You have been arranged in pairs. Your soulmate has been chosen to complement you. To take responsibility for you.” Pacey has a look on his face like, “I took this project to get AWAY from frigging Dawson. If I hear the goddamn word soulmate ONE MORE TIME…” Of course, he and Caleb have been paired. Then, all the recruits get fancy watches. They smile, until they realize that the watches are there to cover up the Skull insignia branded into their flesh with red hot metal. Naturally, they don’t treat the burns at all with disinfectant or any other kind of balm or ointment; instead, they just immediately slap the watches on over them. That’s hygienic. You see, part of being a Skull is having your hand amputated as a result of gangrene. CSI says, “And now: the rules.” They all get rulebooks, which includes rules for every possible situation (how is that possible?), and a key to the crypt. CSI says, “Remember, our rules supersede the rules of the outside world.” Aha. Just like that. Okay. Judge Coach welcomes them, on behalf of the Board of the Order of the blah blah blah…applause. Coach Judge approaches Caleb and says, “The proudest day of my life, Caleb.” And hugs his son. Pacey (father unknown) watches, uncomfortably.
Presumably hoping to be an absent father himself someday, Pacey shows up at Chloe’s room with flowers. She recognizes them, somehow, as flowers from the ground outside the Dean’s office and tells him it feels like a bribe. But she lets him in anyway. Inside the room is a giant robotic paint-spewing machine that she introduced to Townie Pacey as Action Jackson. “I named him after Jackson Pollock. He’s my senior thesis.” Um…was this giant robot in here two nights ago when they had pizza? No? Okay, just checking. Also, if they're such good friends, why does he have no idea what her senior thesis is? Also, isn’t it the very beginning of senior year? When did she build this? Also…okay, I’ll shut up, because meanwhile the movie is still going. Chloe presses some buttons on her laptop, and the robot starts firing paint at a blank canvas, while Chloe explains that the computer program generates a random pattern, so, “who is the artist? Is it the machine? Is it me? Are we both? Or maybe it’s nobody.” This has nothing to do with the rest of the movie, obviously, but it’s also a much more interesting idea. Let’s leave Pacey behind and have a movie about Chloe’s project instead. Okay? Please? Damn. Anyhow, Townie Pacey takes the uptown girl out to dinner.
They lame-banter about how hungry they each are, which is maybe supposed to reveal some sexual tension, but doesn’t, and then Pacey heads to the ATM to get some cash. “I should probably check the balance,” he says, “while we’re here, so that you can see that I’m suddenly and mysteriously flush.” No, wait, he doesn’t say that last part, but he is. He has $20,000 in his account. Oh, man, I wish I were a Skull. Bye-bye, student loan payments. Using her masterful powers of deduction, Chloe figures out that Townie Pacey is a Skull. He dances around with a big wad of cash in his hand, which is very smart in New Haven. ["Don't you mean 'Anytown, USA,' where this fictional college is set?" -- Djb] Chloe is clearly buggin’, but Pacey tells her to be happy for him, and they go off to dinner.
They day, maybe, a fleet of motorboats bearing Skulls heads for a secret island retreat of some kind. A vaguely foreign butler assigns them each a crazy palatial room to stay in. Pacey wanders around his, and finds a super-swank tuxedo in a box on the table, and proceeds to jump on the bed wearing it. Hours later, when he finally has managed to get the rest of the tuxedo on, Caleb comes in to help his soulmate put on the bow tie. Aww, just kiss already. Successfully completing the bow for Pacey, Caleb says, “The skills of a misspent youth.” Oh all right: heh.
Cocktail party. Tuxedos everywhere. Clinking glasses. Muted talk. It’s track eight on the “cocktail party background noise” sound-effect CD. As the Jazzy Piano Of Privilege plays in the background, Judge Coach summons Caleb and Pacey over to him, and invites Pacey to join them this year for A Mandrake Thanksgiving, where, apparently, they hunt, and eat only what they kill, but, “Not to worry. Caleb is a superb shot.” I wonder if that will be important later. Senator CSI comes over and meets Pacey, telling him, “We’re waiting for that law school application. I’m on the admissions committee.” Coach tells him that’s inappropriate to discuss. This is weird, because it establishes Coach as more moral than CSI Guy, which is the opposite of what turns out to be true for the rest of the movie, but: whatever. Then there’s some clumsily manufactured tension between Caleb and his Dad (CSI: “What are your plans?” Caleb: “I’m just treading water. Waiting to see what happens.” Coach: “Then your arms must be getting tired.” Caleb: “They are, Dad. Cause you keep throwing me into the deep end of the pool. Excuse me, I need a drink.” Key Grip: “Buh? Excuse me. I need a drink.”) Coach follows his son, and leaves CSI Guy alone with Pacey. Apparently, CSI Guy and Pacey share similar backgrounds, and, “I hope, similar values, which could put this society’s influence to better use.” CSI Guy explains who pays for things like this party, and why the word WAR is on the wall in the crypt, but neither explanation is interesting. He gives Pacey his card. Pacey finds Caleb, and asks about the tension between Coach Judge and CSI Guy, although we really haven’t seen any yet, and wouldn’t he ask, rather, about the tension between Caleb and his father? Caleb says, “Yeah, they were schoolmates. Soulmates. And it’s gotten substantially worse since my father beat CSI Guy out for chairman.” Okay, so the fact is that they were schoolmates and a soulmate is supposed to somehow explain the origin of the tension? Also, he doesn’t say CSI Guy, but I never told you guys the Senator’s real name, so just bear with me. Then, Pacey does ask about the father-son issues, and Caleb explains that his dad is an ambitious man, and only loves the idea of getting onto the Supreme Court. Then he says, “Speaking of love…” And a whole gaggle of hot chicks in slinky gowns come in. Wow, the Skulls can afford the BEST hookers, yo! I wish I were a Skull. No more Times Square skanks for me. Caleb leaves with two girls, and Pacey dances with one, as Creed plays on the soundtrack, no doubt disapproving of how their wholesome power ballad is being used to accompany such corruption.
Perks montage. The recruits all get new fancy cars. They drive around.
On the steps of what really looks a lot like Sterling Library, Townie Pacey runs into Coxswain Will. They ain’t seen each other lately (aren’t they roommates?) and Will won’t explain what he’s been up to.
Caleb works out on a punching bag.
Caleb returns to his car to find it broken into, and his rulebook and key missing. He yells, “No. No! NOOOOOO!” Somewhere, a casting director says, “Who’s attached to the non-Vin Diesel role in that car movie? This kid is good at yelling in cars!”
Townie Pacey is walking with Chloe, and Caleb flags him down. Pacey introduces them, but she says, “We’ve met. At Exeter.” Apparently, they even went out once or twice. She books. Caleb gives Pacey some bullshit story about leaving his key inside the crypt, and Pacey lends him his own key.
In the crypt, Coxswain Will is taking photos, and speaking into a tape recorder, describing the room. My favorite is when he says, “Nearly ten pillars…” like he can’t be bothered to count that high, and is estimating. Caleb comes in, and confronts Will, demanding all of his things back, along with the tape and the camera. Will holds out the key, and says he’ll return the book, too, but doesn’t have it with him. He tells Caleb to calm down, but Caleb doesn’t look calm.
Pacey pecks away at a typewriter in his room. He looks troubled.
Apparently, he was thinking about his roommate, because he heads over to the school paper, and knocks on an office door labeled “Managing Editor.” Hmmm…wouldn’t Will have sent a beat reporter to go investigate the crypt if he were the M.E.? He’d be stuck in the office all night putting the paper to bed. But: whatever. Townie Pacey pushes open the office door, revealing Will hanging from a ceiling pipe by his neck. He is very dead. Pacey tries to get him down, and screams for help.
Later. The police are here. A sheet is draped over Will’s body. A detective reads a suicide note off Will’s computer screen: “I’m sorry.” The detective is one of the actors from The Practice, so we know he’s a good detective.
In the stairwell, Pacey tells the detective that he doesn’t understand what happened. “Sometimes,” says the cop, “we don’t understand people as well as we think we do.” The cop asks him a few questions, and Pacey reveals that they had an argument, and he’d come to the paper at 3 A.M. to talk about it. The cop is suspicious, but Pacey objects when he tries to characterize the “argument” as a “fight”, though I’m thinking: potato, po-tah-to, right? Pacey gets all defensive for no reason (“What are you tryin’ to say!?”) even though the cop hasn’t really said anything, but is rescued by the appearance of the University Provost, who sends the cop away, while giving Pacey a gentle, understanding look. The Provost is Shooter McGavin from Happy Gilmore, by the way.
Pacey stumbles out into the blue dawn, through the gathered crowd, and finds Chloe, who embraces him. Caleb appears, and joins the comfort-circle, but Pacey leaves with Chloe, saying, “What am I gonna tell his mother?” Caleb looks troubled, thinking: “Non-Skulls have mothers, too? How odd.”
Back in the dorm room they shared, some movers are taking away Will’s stuff, while Pacey looks on. “You wants we shoulds takes this’s stuff’s too’s?” one of them says, pluralizing every word because he’s a mover. He’s referring to some papers and folders that were hidden behind Will’s books. Pacey says no, and looks at the stuff himself: it’s the photos of him drinking the knockout potion on Tap Night, and also Caleb’s rule book. Now its Pacey’s turn to look troubled.
In a chapel, Will’s funeral is underway. Because they’d have it at the college, and not back in Will’s hometown, where his parents live, right? What. Ever. Pacey squeezes Will’s mother’s hand as he passes her.
Later, the chapel is empty, save for Chloe and Pacey sitting in a pew. K-I-S-S-I-N-G. Just kidding. She’s actually telling him, “Will was doing an exposé on the Skulls. He had interest from a lot of papers. Even job offers.” Okay, since Pacey found the notes, why do we need Chloe to tell him, and thus us, this information? We don’t. And why would Will tell anyone about the exposé while it was underway, let alone the girl Pacey is dating? Who knows? Anyhow, Pacey admits that he found the notes, and Chloe wants to know if the story had something to do with Will’s death. Pacey says he doesn’t know, which is, I suppose, the truth. “I guess if we were the friends that we thought we were,” says Chloe, “maybe things would have turned out differently. I lied. Will lied. And now you’re lying. You’re lying to me.” Um…okay, you lied, Will lied…but Pacey is telling the truth. I guess it’s all you reactionary people who assume Pacey’s become an asshole just because he joined that Skulls that aren’t really the friends they say they are.
Homicide Cop flags down Pacey between classes, and says that Chloe told him about Will’s article. The cop also reveals that Will had a severe contusion on the back of his head, as though he’d been clubbed with a sledgehammer before he hanged himself. Hmmm. Fishy. The cop says he’ll get back to Pacey, “unless you want to get back to me first.” I think that means he knows it has something to do with the Skulls, and that Pacey is likely to crack.
Dinner in the crypt. We get a Reservoir Dogs-style around-the-table pan, landing on Pacey, who seems to be the only one not enjoying dinner. Which is probably filet of coxswain. But what’s this? Pacey notes, once again, the security cameras on the walls. Hmmm. But just then, Aryan Guy One comes in, followed by Aryan Guy Two, and they announce that, “Tonight begins the revealing process. The final stage of your initiation into the order.”
In an even deeper and creepier room, the recruits approach a cylindrical cage of some kind. “Gentlemen,” says a creepy old man standing in a shaft of light, “do come in.” The creepy older man is Dr. Rupert Whitney, class of ’73, and “head of protocol.” Okay. He will be their guide for the few weeks. Um…does this society do anything besides initiate people, have fancy parties, and protect the secrets of its initiation and fanciness? Didn’t think so. The good doctor explains that the revealing process has been a Skull ritual since the late 1700s. Um…okay, good, because any earlier and it would predate the founding of this…unnamed school. And, in fact, the United States. Apparently, each soulmate pair will be placed inside the cage, and have to answer any question the others ask. They can’t be released until they reveal enough to satisfy the others. Pacey volunteers himself and Caleb to go first.
Someone asks Pacey what his worst fear is, and he says that it’s “always being alone.” He explains that his mother died when he was really young, and never had a family, until he met a friend who became like a brother, and then last week…we know the story. And he turns the questions to Caleb, “why does that keep happening? Any ideas?” Caleb won’t answer, so Pacey asks him point blank, “What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done?” Caleb says something about having an affair with his mother’s best friend. Pacey asks him why he’s so afraid of his father. He says it’s because his father always gets him out of trouble, and Caleb never has to take responsibility for anything. Apropos, eh? Pacey asks again what’s the worst thing he’s ever done. Blah blah, question dodging, yelling, and Pacey pulls out Caleb’s rulebook. Caleb takes it. “Thank you. I lost this. And I wondered where it went.” Creepy. Also, I thought the people outside the cage were supposed to ask the questions.
Later, in what I guess is the Skulls changing room, though it looks like a dungeon, everyone is changing out of their suits, and Shooter Provost comes in. He summons Pacey and Caleb to a meeting with Coach Judge.
Pacey goes to visit his old townie friends, who are watching a big stack of TVs in their giant warehouse. Hmm. Townie life not looking so bad after all. Anyhow, Pacey wants to enlist their help. The funniest part of his speech is when he says, “Maybe you want to turn the other cheek. Or maybe you want to be forgiving.” As though those two things have opposite meanings, when in fact they mean the same things, and what HE really means is, “maybe you want to turn your back.” What a stupid mistake. I guess he really is a Townie after all. Anyhow, knowing that they won’t help out of the goodness of their hearts, he offers to give them his fancy car if they help him.
A big, strong-looking guy is entering the crypt with a briefcase. He descends past the revealing cage and goes into the room where all the security cameras send their images. He replaces the tape. Meanwhile, he is being watched from inside the cage by one of Pacey’s townie friends, who then radios to Pacey (while he is IN CLASS) that the guard changes the tapes every day at 10am and 10pm. Another of the Townies warns the first Townie that the guard is exiting via a different route than usual, or something, but I’m hung up on: where the hell did these “poor” kids get a hold of, and let alone master, all of the high-tech equipment they seem to be using? Hm? Any thoughts? Yeah, me neither. This movie is so odd. It’s like they set up all the proper elements at the beginning: the Townie friends, the potentially helpful Senator, and so on, but when it came time to pay them off later in the movie, they couldn’t come up with any plausible way for these people to help Pacey, so they either have to do nothing in the guise of being helpful (the Senator) or suddenly manifest a whole bunch of new crazy skills they never had before (the Townies). Hm. I wonder if Action Jackson The Painting Robot is going to return later in a mystifyingly insufficient capacity later. We’ll just have to wait and see. Anyway, the Girl Townie starts following the guard and his briefcase, and Pacey runs out of class to join her in the pursuit: “Don’t lose him, we gotta see where he takes those tapes!” Only, she apparently does lose him, because Pacey is the only one actually following the guy. He enters the library, where Pacey tries to be sneaky and shadow the guard, who goes into a private collection room. Pacey runs by the desk outside the room, and the guy guarding it yells, “Hey! Hey!” It doesn’t matter, though, because once he’s in there, Pacey finds nothing. No sign of the guy with the tapes. Oh well. And then the guard catches up with him, and drags him out of the room.
Pacey comes back to his dorm room, and is greeting by Caleb, who beats the shit out of him. Ah, soulmates. Then he shows Pacey that his room is bugged, and says, “You’ve been digging, Luke. And if you keep digging, you’re gonna dig your own grave.” He explains that everybody’s place is bugged, and nobody is safe. The he says, “I didn’t mean to hurt your friend. I swear to god. I never meant to hurt your friend. Please. Please don’t give ‘em a reason. Please. That’s all they need.” Then he leaves.
Pacey flags down Chloe between classes, but she’s still mad at him over that whole covering-up-their-friend's-murder thing. Man, don’t women EVER cut you slack over ANYTHING? Sheesh, it’s like they have to make the hugest deal out of every little thing. Then Pacey delivers the following monologue: “I have this friend. And he made some decisions that were all wrong. Because he was selfish. And because he was greedy. And he thought that they would give him everything he ever wanted. But all that they ended up giving him was disaster. So now, this friend of mine needs to go out on a limb. And that limb could get cut off, but everything about being on that limb is right.” Man, that’s a really good metaphor. “So what do I do?” Oh, WOW! You mean he was really talking about himself that whole time? There’s no ‘friend’ at all? That’s a good distancing technique, I’ll have to try that. Chloe says that he should sit down, and tell her the truth.
The Evil Council Room. Coach Judge proposes that they “remove” Pacey, whatever that entails exactly. Senator CSI, who I guess can just come and hang out in New Haven every single day, without arousing media attention, even though the Senate is in session, takes issue with this proposal, describing it as corrupt and unfair, and the membership will never stand for it. Coach Judge wants to keep it secret from the membership, but CSI Guy says that will require a unanimous vote, so…zzzzzzz…they could really just make up “rules” to force the story to go in any direction they want. “Under the rules, Pacey must ski-jump over an active volcano to earn his freedom. So it is written.” Actually, that ending would make more sense than the movie’s actual ending, so whatever. Judge Coach moves for a vote for Pacey to “undergo psychiatric evaluation at our hospital” (buh?). Everyone votes yes, except for Senator CSI. Doctor Rupert says, “the motion is defeated,” all happily, but, like, if he’s so happy, then why did he vote yes? Coach Judge asks to see Senator CSI alone upstairs.
Upstairs, they chat. “We used to share the same beliefs. What happened?” “I learned there are limits, Litton.” Wait, didn’t the Senator have a similar background to Pacey, and similar values, and didn’t the Judge and the Senator always have tension? Oh, who can be bothered to keep the script consistent, we’ve got a movie to make! But, if they can’t be bothered to make it make sense, I can’t be bothered to recap it. So, basically, Coach shows CSI Guy pictures of him having an affair with some nineteen-year-old girl. What’s also funny here is that the Provost brings in the photos himself, like, isn’t there a slightly lower down lackey? Isn’t a University Provost a little busy with his, I don’t know, REAL JOB to spend time being a Council stooge? Whatever. Coach says, “Shall we vote again?”
In the dining hall, Pacey and Chloe stage a big break-up scene, for everybody to see, so that it will look like they’re not friends anymore, so that she’ll be safe. Or, I guess we’re supposed to think it’s for real at this point, but it’s not, people, it’s staged. Chloe gets applause. The Provost looks on. Caleb, sitting behind Pacey, turns around and says, “Smart play, Lucas. Smart play.”
In his dorm room, Pacey and Chloe turn music on really loud, and turn on the shower. “They can’t hear us now.” Oh, great line, I have to use that: “We have to get into my shower. My apartment is bugged.” Pacey is going to go for the tape, but Chloe doesn’t understand why it wouldn’t have been destroyed already, and Pacey explains that the Skulls “use each other’s dirty little secrets against themselves.” Hmm. Wouldn’t it be more effective to use other people’s secrets against those other people? Just a thought. Anyhow, now that he’s got her in the shower, with all the steam, and the song on the soundtrack, and the heated arguing about how he doesn’t want her to put her in danger, and you don’t understand, no you don’t understand, no, but, but, “I’m in love with you!” She says that to him, by the way. And so they have sex in the shower. Works for me.
That night, the briefcase-tape guy heads into his secret room in the library, where Pacey attacks and then maces him. While the guy is incapacitated on the floor, Pacey goes for the appropriate tape. The guard drags him back to the ground, so Pacey pulls out a tazer and fires hundreds of volts of electricity into the guy’s groin. Seriously.
Pacey, armed with the tape, sprints down the street, pursued by a black van, which eventually corners him. The Provost and some heavies get out. Okay, the University Provost is now willing to be SEEN on the STREET pointing a gun at a student? I’m sorry, what? That’s not very secretive. Luckily for Pacey, if not for plausibility, some people wearing monster masks drop down from above, and beat the crap out of the Provost with baseball bats. Then they put a club on the black van’s steering wheel, and speed away in Pacey’s fancy car. It is, of course, Chloe, and Pacey’s three Townie friends. Who are now, by the way, ALL witnesses to the Provost’s behavior. What are they going to do, kill them all? Okay, okay, just watch the movie, I’ll try to stop asking questions.
Back at the TownieHouse, they watch the security tape, in which Caleb chases Will around, and Will ultimately falls to his death. But now we see what happens : Caleb calls his Dad, and despite his desire to call 911, he’s convinced to just leave the scene right away. Um…if his first instinct was to call 911, then why did he call his dad first. Wouldn’t he have…okay, I’m sorry, I promised. Meanwhile, the people watching the tape notice something: Will is still moving. He’s still alive. They fast-forward the tape. Oh, man, I am so jealous. They “go close” on the “lower right hand”, because that’s a feature that any random TV has with a random tape: you can just zoom in on parts of the screen. On the screen, the Provost and his two heavies enter the ritual room. They examine the wiggling coxswain, and then Provost McGavin makes a phone call. They zoom in even closer, in time to see the Provost grab Will by the head, and snap his neck the rest of the way. Chloe shrieks. “Oh my god,” she says, “they killed him. They killed him.” Well, technically the Provost killed him, but whatever. Then she turns to Pacey, who holds the tape. “What are you gonna do?” she says.
The police station. He finds Homicide Cop, presumably to give him the tape, but Caleb is here already. “I couldn’t live with myself,” he says, “I had to tell him what you did.” Seems he pinned the whole thing on Pacey. But Pacey’s got the tape, and hands it to the cop, who sends Caleb out.
In a screening room, Townie Pacey watches the tape with a bunch of cops. There doesn’t seem to be much on it, and one of them quips: “I haven’t seen so much snow since my last ski trip.” Like, haha. Not. Pacey fast-forwards the tape (they’re just taunting me now), but it’s all just static. Pacey turns to look at the Homicide Cop and accuses him of switching the tape: “Why’d you do it, Sparrow, what do they have on you?” The cops start to move in on Agitated Pacey, and the camera goes all NYPD Blue, and Pacey starts to sound really paranoid, “The Skulls! They control everything!” He tries to explain what happened, but another cop, whom I’ll call Incredulous Detective, is all, “The University Provost killed your roommate? Why? Oh, because Judge Litton Mandrake told him to?” Like, why is this guy acting like he’s never heard of the Skulls? Wouldn’t a police officer in New Haven know about its most powerful 200-year-old organization? He might not believe the accusations, but the “this is all crazy talk” tone doesn’t make sense, I mean…oh, right. No more questions. Sorry. Anyway, Pacey jumps the Homicide Cop, earning him a handcuffing, and a slow-mohair drag to a gurney, and the back of an ambulance, where he gets knockout drugs, and…everything’s so dark…
The ambulance takes Pacey to a Psychiatric Hospital. The end. Oh wait, no, the movie is still going.
Caleb, shirtless of course, is practicing boxing with his own shadow…an appropriate metaphor for the shadowy dealing of his life…it’s like he’s out on a limb, and that limb could break…or something. Chloe comes in, and tells him she saw the tape. Because she wants to die. She tells him that Pacey is in a mental hospital, and begs Caleb to tell the police the truth. She starts to leave, and then parting-shots: “The most interesting thing on that tape was, when you left the building, Will Beckford…he wasn’t dead.” Bum-bum-BUM. Oh wait, we knew that already.
As she’s leaving, Chloe gets jumped from behind by the Provost’s men, and soon she’s sprinting for her life across campus. In BROAD DAYLIGHT. Of course, there are no other students, so the Provost probably figured it was safe to CHASE FEMALE UNDERGRADUTES AROUND WITHOUT AROUSING SUSPICION. Notice, I’m not asking questions, just raising my voice. Anyway, she flees to her own dorm room, where they pound on the door behind her. She looks around frantically. If only there were something in here that could be of use to her. But what?
The bad guys break down the door, and run into the room, only to be startled by a gunshot. No, wait: it’s Action Jackson, the painting robot! Meanwhile, Chloe has escaped into Pacey’s dorm room, through the handy dumbwaiter, and sprints back out onto the broad daylight campus, where she’s nearly run down by Senator CSI, who somehow convinces her to get into the car with him. Why she trusts him is really…wait, sorry, no questions…she trusts him, and gets into his car, and he takes her to:
The loony bin where Crazy Pacey is now living. We know it’s an institution, because people are playing ping-pong in hospital gowns. She finds Pacey, who appears to be catatonic, sitting in a wheelchair. CSI Guy helps Chloe get him to the car. Pacey is, I guess, drugged. CSI gives her the keys and says, “There’s only one solution to all this: we live by the rules, we die by the rules. Now go!” She doesn’t know what that means, but he assures her that Pacey will know, and drives off in his own car. But as he drives off we hear him say, “I’m leaving the hospital. They’re all yours.” Hmmm. Perhaps CSI is a little more CS-sly than we thought.
Sure enough, an evil car starts slamming them from behind and from the side almost immediately. Chloe does a good job driving. Pacey drools into his own lap, helpfully. Blah blah blah, car chase. Oh no, here comes a giant truck, but whew, they barely avoid it, and end up, somehow, on train tracks. That sort of thing. Then they crash into a barrier on the tracks, and the Provost drags Pacey out of the car. Chloe tries to chase them down, but he decks her, and pulls out a gun, aims it at Pacey, and…OH WOW! The Provost is shot to death from behind by Homicide Cop! That’s who CSI called! They were both good all along! The cop says, “I’ve been following you since the hospital,” as though that wasn’t thirty seconds ago, “that’s what the Senator wanted.” Chloe remembers, vaguely, that clue he gave her. Thirty seconds ago. QUICKLY! To the bat cave! Actually, it’s unclear who the cop is working for. He’s not a Skull, but he seems to be working for the Senator, but then why destroy the tape? I don’t know. And I promised not to ask.
But seriously: at this point, the movie is over. The cops know the truth, the Senator is clearly on Pacey’s side…he could just run far away, and blow this thing wide open. Why does he have to do anything within the rules of the Skulls? I suppose that whole thing about “getting his life back,” but I don’t see why he has to do that within the rules of the society, since he seems to have pretty much won already outside of it, at this point. But, for whatever reason, he and Chloe speed away in the Evil Van, leaving Homicide Cop alone on the train tracks with a dead body.
In a motel, Chloe oversees Pacey’s recovery from his severe drugging. They’re trying to figure out what to do . In fact, Pacey is attempting to answer the same questions I just raised about who is doing what to whom, why. Chloe remembers what the Senator said to her before driving away. The thing about living by…something…and dying by…something else…oh that’s right THE RULES! They look in the rulebook and find something about “A challenge may be issued, and gentlemanly means pursued.” In other words, a duel. For some reason, Senator CSI wanted this to be Pacey’s only option, I guess because his real motive is not to get the truth out, but to take over the Skulls himself, and to use Pacey as a pawn to get that done, Pacey being basically willing to do anything because he wants his life back. Hm. I guess that does kind of make sense. Pacey doesn’t explain or figure out any of this just yet; he just plans to go out to the island the day, and issue his challenge.
The day, Pacey rows out to the island.
Inside, Coach Judge is giving some spiel to the remaining recruits about the end of the revealing process, and a gift to show how much they are appreciated. I like, by the way, how Pacey makes no attempts whatsoever to bring the other recruits into his confidence. I mean, I realize he doesn’t know them well, but one or two or three of them might have a moral backbone, and if he could have got together a critical mass of dissenters…oh well. Coach Judge is giving them all enormous checks, and they toast themselves, and…oh, here comes Pacey, pursued ineffectually by the vaguely foreign butler. He comes into the room, and challenges Caleb to a duel. CSI supports him, and when Coach Judge offers to take his son’s place, Pacey quotes a different rule, excluding him from doing so. See? They can just make up rules. “Rule 302C: the movie is over now.” Hmmm. Doesn’t work for me.
Out in the special dueling courtyard, everyone gathers around. Oh, wait, isn’t Caleb an expert marksman? I knew that would be important. Coach Judge reminds us of this, telling Pacey that his options are to back out, or die. “Guess I won’t be coming over for Thanksgiving, then,” he says. Coach returns to his son, who asks him if Will was still alive when he left the ritual room. Judge Coach looks his son in the eye, and says, “I would never lie to you.” Then he lies.
Caleb and Pacey choose guns, and stand back to back. Pacey says, “Tell them the truth about what happened with Will.” Caleb says he’s sorry, but only for “what I have to do to you.” They cock their pistols. Doctor Rupert counts out ten paces. Meanwhile, Pacey implores Caleb to “Tell them the truth!” Okay, I have to ask. Which “them”? The rest of the Skulls? Don’t they already know? And if not, why doesn’t Pacey tell them himself? Is the point here that Coach Judge is the only evil one, not the whole organization? If that’s true, why doesn’t the Senator tell everyone else himself? They’d believe him, right? I don’t understand what’s going on here, or how it will resolve anything. Why couldn’t Pacey demand these things not during a duel? If the whole organization isn’t evil, then who were Pacey and Chloe hiding from the motel? Just the Coach? The Provost and his men are already out of the picture. What’s so scary about one guy, even if he is a Judge? They’ve got that Homicide Guy on their side now, too. I was buying the, “this must be dealt with within the rules of the Order” angle, but I’m pretty much lost now. Then they get to ten, and Pacey just turns around and drops his gun. Caleb has him in his sights. Pacey keeps yelling, “Tell them the truth, and we’ll get through this together.” Coach Judge is yelling at his son to shoot. Key Grip is yelling at the plot to make some sense, because he doesn’t understand why the duel is even necessary, or who is trying to prove what to whom now. Luckily, it doesn’t matter, because Coach Judge grabs a gun and points it at Pacey, at which point Caleb turns, and blows away his own father. Everyone screams and crowds around the Judge. Caleb runs to his dad. “You weren’t worth the effort,” the old man says. As everyone crowds around the Judge some more, Caleb casually grabs another gun, walks over to the side, and places it at his temple. Just as he’s about to shoot himself, Pacey tackles him. The gun goes off into the air, and Pacey has saved his soulmate's life. “It’s over, Caleb,” he says, “It’s over.”
Okay…um…what’s over? Now Caleb shot his own father instead of Pacey. What’s over? How is that better? I know they say that their rules supersede outside rules, but only for them, not for the actual police. Caleb is going to prison. No one told anyone the truth about Will. I’m not even sure who knew already and who didn’t. I’m not sure why the truth coming out here would have made any difference, and if it would have made a difference, if it would have, for example, caused them to overthrow the Judge, then why did anybody need to get shot? Was it just that everyone was so under the Judge’s influence that shooting him has freed them, like they were vampires and we have now killed the head vampire? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD: WHAT IS OVER? Pacey helps Caleb up, as the rest of the Skulls stand off to the side, not knowing what to do. You know why they don’t know what to do? They don’t understand the movie anymore.
Later. Pacey walks with Senator CSI, who exults in the fact that, “the good guys won.” Okay. Whatever you say, I’m just going with it now. CSI explains: “Mandrake’s finished. He’ll never be confirmed to the Federal Bench. I’ll be the new chairman. You’ll be exonerated, and together we’ll lead the new generation of Skulls into the future.” So, wait, Coach isn’t dead. Why is he finished? Because the truth came out about Will? How? I guess the cop kept the real tape. But that would have been enough to push the Coach aside on its own, right? Why did CSI have to orchestrate the duel? So that it could be official within Skull rules? Would Judge Coach still have been chairman from prison? I realize I’m barely even recapping anymore, but I just can’t take it. Anyway, Pacey says, “You know someone I loved once told me that if it’s secret and elite, it can’t be good. He was right. You used me.” CSI says, “No, I helped you. Do you really think you can walk away from this? All we’ve given you? And if I come to you someday for a favor, could you really deny me? And if you deny me, could that jeopardize the life you’ve built, for your wife, and your family?” Wow, so Pacey really was just a pawn in a power struggle within the Skulls. But, so, did Coach go to prison? Was he only disgraced within the Skulls? If the latter, how will it affect his appointment to the Federal bench? If the former, then the Federal bench is the least of his problems, right? He’d just say, “Coach is in prison.” In other words: I give up. Meanwhile, in response to that big speech, Pacey says, “Watch me.” And walks away. And, in one last, twist, CSI says, “Well done, son. Well done.” Like he approves of Pacey rejecting his Devil’s bargain. Oh, wait. So he was good. So why didn’t he just call the police on Coach in the first pl…right, I gave up.
None too soon. Because, as Pacey and Chloe embrace at a lighthouse at sunset: roll credits. The end. For real this time.