The Te Of Pacey

Big ups to Wing Chun, the best houseguest ever, and to everyone on the DC boards for their patience.

Oh, and by the way, YOU'RE THE MAN NOW, DOG!

Previously on Dawson's Creek: Jack fulfilled the episode's "encourage Dawson" quota by blathering on about serendipity and whatnot; Gretchen and Dawson got together while Cameron Crowe endorsed his royalty check; Joey told Pacey that they talk about the future, and he corrected her that they talk around the future; Jack and Tobey hissed and spat at each other, and then Tobey ran off sideways with a fluffy tail; Dawson confessed to Pacey that he has feelings for Gretchen, and Pacey, paralyzed with disgust, totally failed to shove Dawson's deck chair into the creek.

Fade up on a sleeping Pacey "Love Means Never Having To Say 'Shut Up, Joey'" Witter. A blue plate bearing a Hostess cupcake with a birthday candle stuck into it makes its way into the bottom of the shot, and Joey "Miss" Potter "If You're Nasty" serenades him with "Happy Birthday." Aw, that's cute. Pacey sleepily grumps at her to go away, and Joey looks annoyed and tells him to make a wish before she sets the couch on fire. Pacey wishes for "no further acknowledgment" of his birthday, except he says it a lot more floridly and self-pityingly than that. Joey shrugs, blows out the candle, and informs him that, now that she knows his wish, "it can't possibly come true." Pacey sighs heavily and struggles into an upright position, saying that he appreciates Joey's "nave enthusiasm," but every single one of his birthdays since the tenth one "has been a complete disaster." He wanders into the kitchen, mummified in a blanket, and continues in this vein. "Well, at least you're not being dramatic about it," Joey observes dryly. Heh. Hey, Old Joey. Thanks for coming by. Oh, you have to -- no, wait! Stay! Pacey's making coffee? Well, see you later. Pacey then kneels, crosses himself, and recites The Litany Of Childhood Trauma: at his first boy-girl party, he ate too much and hurled on a girl he really liked, and she dubbed him "Pacey Pukey," and his family latched onto the nickname and still uses it; when he turned sixteen, he threw himself a party, but nobody showed up. Okay, quick sidebar: it's worth noting here that, if they mean the party he threw for himself in Episode 202, tons of kids showed up to that, and also that, if we go by the timeline established by the end of the first season, Pacey's birthday actually falls in April or May, not in January. So we once again learn that, if continuity be the food of good writing, the DC creative team has gone on hunger strike. Okay, back to the pity party already in progress, where Pacey recalls getting "mauled by a dog" on his fourteenth birthday. And he's skipping the whole birthday thing this year. No, he isn't, Joey tells him. Pacey hugs her and says they could possibly "avert disaster" by spending the evening alone at the Witterschloss, and we switch to an over-the-shoulder shot of Joey lying guiltily, "I promise, just you and me." The sound of a cat bathing in nail-polish remover accompanies Joey looking guilty some more for about an hour and a half.

Okay, take Meredith Monroe out of the credits. It's time. It's past time.

Oh, brother. Reconciliation Ranch. While it's gratifying to see that Dawson "Skeevy D" Leery has a baseball hat on, it's quite annoying to see Jack "Queer As Joke" McPhee once again forced to play dancing-monkey-in-colorful-vest to Dawson's, er, organ grinder. Wow, that's really a disgusting turn of phrase. Sorry. Anyhow, they lug paint equipment around and exposition that Dawson is scared, and Jack doesn't see why because Dawson and Gretchen kissed, unless Dawson is worried about Pacey and Joey finding out, and Dawson says he isn't scared about that, he's scared because it's his "first official date" with Gretchen. If Pacey and Joey ask, Dawson will tell them the truth, and so will Gretchen: "It's really not a big deal." Jack snarks, "Sounds like a great plan." Dawson looks alarmed, probably because the hairstylist placed cat feces on his head and then tufted them out from under the cap he has on.

Witterschloss. Gretchen "Oops, I Did It Again" Witter is making a big old federal case out of Not Planning Anything for Pacey's birthday, and Joey says that Pacey made her promise not to do "any big event-y stuff." Pacey sits at the table and flips through his mail while the girls talk about the absurdity of Pacey's birthday-curse beliefs; after a minute, Joey realizes that Pacey isn't listening. "What?" she asks, as Pacey stares all preoccupied at an envelope and then snaps out of it to say, "Nothing." Envelope in hand, he bolts, allegedly to "go put some shoes on." The plot "twist" phones from San Francisco International Airport to let me know when its flight gets in. Joey takes the opportunity to stage-whisper to Gretchen that she's throwing Pacey a surprise party at their parents' house, and she needs Gretchen to come. Gretchen is all "bad idea" -- her parents "are insane," and Pacey "will kill" Joey. Joey knows that, but it's Mrs. Witter's idea, and Joey should have said no, probably, but she didn't, and she needs as many "friendly faces" there as possible. She begs Gretchen to come and asks if she has any plans tonight. Gretchen Three's Companys that no, God, no, of course not, who, her? "I don't have much of a life," she adds. No kidding, Obvious Rosenberg. Gretchen finally agrees to go, on the condition that Joey trim off the Hydra's worth of split ends currently residing on the shoulders of her Delia's sweatshirt. Well, not that last part. Joey confirms that Pacey will in fact kill her. "Oh yeah, you're dead," Gretchen says.

In the kitchen of the Ryan Home For No-Longer-That-Wayward Girls And Self-Actualized Senior Citizens, Grams "Seven Seas Of" Ryan and Jen "Grace Under Fire" Lindley do artsy-craftsy things at the kitchen table and listen to big-band music. Grams observes that she loves the song that's on. Jen wants to know why Grams is so happy, and Grams tries to play it off like she's just enjoying the Martha Stewart Hour with Jen, and she reminisces about her own grandmother teaching her how to do decoupage. Then she asks what Jen's got on her dance card that night, and Jen begins the exposition beguine, saying that she's got a few more community-service hours to kill, sohold on, someone's at the door. Oh my god, Continuity! Come in! Good grief, you look like you've spent the last two months tied up in a boxcar! Oh, you did. Really -- not even a sandwich? That's terrible. Okay, just put your feet up while I finish this recap. Sorry, folks; back to the show. So Jen has this Safe Rides thing she's doing where she ferries "a bunch of drunk kids" home from the Saturday-night keggers. Grams observes absently that it "sounds like fun." Jen cocks an eyebrow but goes on to say that she thinks her whole community-service deal didn't really serve the community at all; clearly trying to get a rise out of Grams, she calls it a "big fat waste of time." "Mm hmm," Grams practically hums, coming back over to the table with a cup of coffee. Jen frowns, "Okay, what is with you?" Grams dodges. "Yeah, you're all flighty and spacey and" Grams sips her coffee. Jen accuses her of thinking about sex. Grams snarfs the coffee. Jen blah blah blah "perfectly natural to think about sex." Grams weaves. Jen asks if Grams and Mr. Brooks have had "the safe-sex talk," and goes on about Mr. Brooks's possible kinks and whatnot, and it's all very non-funny, and instead of saying, "Oh, do shut up, Jennifah, and remove that brassiere strap from your hair posthaste," Grams tells Jen that she knows Jen's trying to "freak [her] out" because she doesn't like doing decoupage, and then maybe Grams will ground her and she'll get out of having to do her community service that night. Jen, grinning: "Did you just say 'freak me out'?" Hee. Grams informs her that she has her "bases covered" in the safe-sex department, so Jen can just get back to cutting and gluing, and by the way, she's going to community service tonight, period. Jen admiringly observes that Grams turned the whole conversation around on her. "I've learned from the best," Grams twinkles. "That's true," Jen twinkles back. Aw.

International House Of Fishcakes. Enter Dawson, unfortunately sans hat. Gretchen, behind the bar, greets him with "hello there, handsome." Not shown: a production assistant clapping the little clapper thingie and saying, "Take 329," while the director calls out, "Okay, Sasha -- we know it's sick and wrong, but it's in the script, so focus!" Dawson wants to know where Gretchen wants to go on their date. Gretchen, in a tone usually reserved for upcoming accounting seminars: "Right. The date." Dawson calls her on it, and she says that she's excited (ew) for the date and everything, but Pacey's party came up, so they both have to go to that, blah. Dawson takes it in stride, making "not much of a first date, but" noises, and Gretchen says that she thought maybe they could "postpone" the whole first-date thing. Like, until after the lamb breaks the seventh seal and the whore of Babylon comes in for a pint, because she's kind of busy until then. Except that she doesn't say that. She does, however, grab a stack of napkins, smile really fakely, and walk away, which will have to suffice.