Back in the day, I had this boyfriend, Slim, whose brother served in the diplomatic corps in Africa, and Slim's Brother used to tell a story about staying with a pygmy tribe in the African bush. At night, Slim's Brother and the tribesmen used to sit around and tell each other stories about the accomplishments of their respective cultures, and one night Slim's Brother talked about Americans sending a man to the moon. He had a little trouble making the tribesmen understand what he meant, but finally they got the gist, and then they started laughing at him. He asked his interpreter what the tribesmen found so funny, and the interpreter asked them to explain, and one of the elders held up his thumb and forefinger so that the moon as it sat in the sky fit between them, and he shrugged and giggled something, and the interpreter explained to Slim's Brother, "He says it's impossible -- a man would never fit on the moon. It's too small." But even the charmingly innocent pygmy tribesmen do not believe that "their first weekend apart opens temptation's door." Because nobody believes that. Nobody.
Previously on Dawson's Creek: Pacey wondered why Gretchen kissed Dawson at the holiday party; Gretchen told Dawson that the kiss meant nothing, and he pretended to agree; Mr. Brooks admitted that he's dying; Joey tearfully told Dawson that Gretchen "would be really lucky to have someone like" him; Dawson told Gretchen how he feels about her, and she wondered gently, "What am I gonna do with you?"
Fade up on a long shot of a dock with two shadowy figures holding fishing rods at the end of it. As the Foley guy makes with the reeling-in-the-line sound effects, Pacey "Nirvana" Witter says, "Maybe we're too early. Maybe the fish are still asleep." We shift to a tighter shot as Dawson "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Forehead" Leery tells him, "Fish don't sleep, Pacey." Pacey says, smothering a yawn, that he's glad they've resumed hanging out, but doesn't know why they had to do so "at sunrise," blah blah blah fishingcakes. Dawson has something to tell Pacey that he thinks will keep Pacey awake. After a bit of stammering, he outs with it: "I like your sister, Pacey." Pacey takes a moment to absorb this before clarifying, "You like her, or you like her like her?" "I'm talking about Gretchen Witter, not Winnie Cooper," Dawson cracks. Oh, a Wonder Years reference. How clever. Not. Pacey, looking less happy by the second, asks if Dawson's feelings "naturally follow" from the kiss under the mistletoe, "or am I going to find you outside my house holding a boom box over your head?" Oh, a Say Anything reference -- even cleverer! Well, except for the "clever" part, since equating Dawson with Lloyd Dobler doesn't work on any level, except perhaps the one on which Dawson has a boom box for a head.
Anyway, Dawson blurts, "I'm crazy about her." Pacey tries to attribute it to the crush Dawson's had on Gretchen "for years," but Dawson says it's more than that, and adds that he thinks Gretchen feels the same way, "even though she won't acknowledge it." Shut up, Dawson. "That's a hell of a lot to digest before breakfast, Dawson," Pacey grumbles. Actually, it's completely indigestible, period. Dawson tells Pacey that, if Pacey had come to him last spring and told him the deal with him and Joey, it would have made things a lot easier, and "that's all I'm trying to do." Pacey thinks that's different; he's Dawson's friend, but Gretchen is Pacey's sister, which makes her…"off limits?" Dawson finishes for him. Yes, Pacey says emphatically, comparing sisters to "mothers, only prettier." Dawson says with a hint of his trademark smugness that he's not "asking permission," he's just letting Pacey know. Pacey makes a face like he just ate a bug, processes the information, and asks Dawson, "So what are your plans?" "Plans?" "Yeah, to pursue my sister," Pacey prompts him acidly. "What are you gonna do?" Dawson isn't going to do anything. Pacey grins, relieved, as Dawson says that he's just going to see how things "play out," and that he learned after last spring that "some things can't be forced." Oh, whatever, Dawson. Shut up about last spring already and start applying some of that so-called wisdom about not forcing things to that ridiculous hair-"style" of yours. Pacey cracks on him: "The Tao of Dawson is to do nothing." Dawson comments that he's done nothing so far, and he and Gretchen have already kissed, so "the best thing [he] can do is just keep on doing nothing." Too bad "doing nothing" doesn't seem to include "not talking."
Credits. Cat trapped in autoclave.
Front seat of the Witterwagen. Pacey asks, "What's with the rush?" Gretchen "Confucius Say 'Try Oil Of Olay'" Witter tells him that "at this speed, I can get to school, grab my car, and get out of there before dark." Pacey asks why she wants her car now all of a sudden when her friends have had it "for months." She corrects him that a friend, singular, had it, then modifies that to "actually…ex…boyfriend." "Nick had your car this whole time?" Gretchen nods, looking annoyed. Pacey says that he "always liked that guy." Gretchen says Pacey doesn't know Nick; the two of them they only hung out for a couple of hours when Gretchen brought Nick home for Christmas. Pacey argues that he knows Nick likes the Patriots, pretzels, "and a good party," and that he'd rather sleep and sail than study, and that Nick's favorite song is "Freebird," and that's all he needs to know. That's all I need to know, too -- Nick sounds like kind of a knob. Gretchen tells Pacey in a tone of amusement, "You just described yourself." Pacey: great minds think alike. Gretchen: whatever.
Pacey endorses the idea of Gretchen spending "some quality time" with Nick. Gretchen arches a brow and asks, "Does your sudden proclivity for [sic] my ex-boyfriend have anything to do with a certain fair-haired pal of yours?" More wrangling over what the kiss meant. Gretchen: oh, that? That's nothing. Pacey: it didn't look like "nothing" to me, and Dawson doesn't think it's nothing, but if you say it's nothing, fine, it's nothing. Gretchen: trust me, it's nothing. Pacey says okay, he guesses she's earned his trust, since "this music doesn't entirely suck," and then he reads aloud from the CD cover: "'Great Tunes For Gretchen From…Dawson.'" Gretchen cringes a little as Pacey says grimly, "That would be 'Leery.' So he made you a mix CD." Then, in a truly hilarious tone that has "NOT" written all over it: "Awwww, how sweet." Ha! Then Pacey pointedly raves about Nick some more, saying how he's handsome and he must work out and blah, and Gretchen just laughs.
Reconciliation Ranch. Jack "Being And Nothingness" McPhee helps Dawson move furniture. Dawson, sporting a baseball cap that mercifully covers the chemical spill on his head, asks if Jack got weirded out by Andie dating Pacey. No. Why? Dawson says that Pacey "really doesn't like the idea of" him and Gretchen. Yeah…Pacey can get in line. Jack thinks that's understandable, given that Gretchen's Pacey's sister and Dawson's "his…close friend," and adds that he didn't really know Pacey when he and Andie started going out, but if Dawson and Andie got involved, "it…uh…let's not go there," and he makes a smelling-sour-milk face. Heh. Word. Mitch "Flashhopper" Leery and Gale "Mamahayana" Leery appear in the doorway, Flashhopper observing that Dawson could have a sister soon and then he'll understand Pacey's point of view. "Or a brother," Dawson says, saying that he'll "find out in a couple of hours, right?" Gale says that they've changed their minds about the ultrasound again, and Flashhopper starts babbling on about ruining one of life's great surprises and blah blah blah, and Dawson joins me in rolling his eyes. Gale continues blathering about "anticlimactic" blah blingety blah, and Dawson interrupts to say that he doesn't care what they decide, just let him know so he can figure out what to do with the pink and blue paint he has "on hold." Oh, please -- just paint the nursery yellow or pale green, morons. I spent my infancy in a nursery with jungle-print wallpaper, for god's sake. It doesn't matter.
Anyway, having discharged their duty to remind those of us living deep in volcanic rock formations that Gale is pregnant, the Flashhoppers leave for their pre-natal appointment. Dawson opens a drawer in the chest he and Jack just moved and happens to find, coincidentally, in the first drawer he looks in, which is otherwise totally empty, one of the "silly little letters" he used to write to Gretchen years ago. It's the last one he wrote, "the one [he] never sent." Dawson chuckles not-stalgically and calls his "gushing and lovesick" prose "embarrassing." Again, word. Jack dryly suggests that Dawson tell Gretchen some of what's in the letter, now. Dawson shrugs ruefully that he's already told Gretchen how he feels. "Not like that, I bet," Jack says. "No, I told her like an adult." Well, that's debatable, but whatever.
Jack proposes that, if Dawson "acted more like a kid, [he] might be with her." Jack, sweetie? Please don't encourage Dawson to act any more puerile than he already does, 'kay? No, I know they don't give you your own subplots, but really, this isn't helping matters. Dawson remarks that, the last time he acted like a kid, he tried to prove his feelings "in a boat race. Remember that?" Jack wiggles his eyebrows: "Ohhhh yeah." "Not my fondest moment," Dawson adds. Nor mine, Dawson, but thanks for the self-servingly huge understatement there. Anyway, Dawson repeats that Gretchen knows how he feels, and "if it's meant to be, it'll be -- if not, that's the way it goes." Jack thinks it over: "Hmm. Zen and the art of dating. Congrats -- I think you've created a new movement." Oh, har dee har. Har. Har har. Not. Shut up, Jack.
Yacht Club. Joey "Spine Tzu" Potter puts out a sign in front of the dining room that reads, "Closed For Annual Renovations." Drue "Gekkoan" Valentine, seated at the bar, wonders aloud whether he should "go cheerleader or drama-club chick tonight." Joey puts lamp bases into a box and tells him to "flip a coin: heads is bimbo, tails is skank." Um, didn't Andie and Pacey perform in a play just last season? And didn't Jen lead the cheerleading squad? Nice way to talk about your friends, Joey. More sniping. Drue asks what she's up to for the rest of the weekend, and when Joey says she's going to research her English term paper, Drue smarms, "Let me guess: 'How To Keep Your Boyfriend And Your Virginity,' or 'The Many Uses Of The Human Hand.'" Okay, that's rude, but -- HA! Joey shoots back, "Finally, a subject you know all about!" Snerk. Touché. Drue compliments her sarcastically on the comeback, and he inexplicably supplies a couple of synonyms for the word "comeback," like, what's that about? Did the writers buy a thesaurus finally? If so, well, thanks for the shout-out. I think. Non-Liz Non-Claiborne bustles in to inform Drue that his father's spirit guide has granted permission for his father to leave the crystals or whatever for a few days and go to New York on business, and he wants to see Drue tonight. "And this is good news on…what planet?" Drue snarks. "On the planet where child-support payments are still being negotiated," NLNC snips. At the back of the bar, Joey shoots a surreptitious glance at the Valentines as NLNC hands Drue a bus ticket. Drue says he doesn't imagine he has a choice in the matter, and NLNC says that of course he does; he can "choose" to sit up front with the bus driver, or in the back to the restroom. She clops off in her Easy Spirit pumps. Joey smugs, "Bon voyage," but Drue doesn't think they've finished; he indicates a rack of coffee cups, some boxes, and a large anvil, and says they need to go down to the storeroom tonight. Contrivance flops down to me on the couch, sloshing his drink onto the cushions, and starts clipping his cuticles.
Nine Days blares on the soundtrack (shoot me for knowing that) as we pan over the roof of a frat house, down over the front lawn, past two guys hauling a keg and an ice pan into the house, and over to the Witterwagen pulling up out front. Pacey, eye trained on the beer-related goings-on, whips off his seatbelt and murmurs that it's "[his] kind of place," but Gretchen snaps that "it's a place [he'll] see very little of" -- they get the car, they leave, that's it. "That might be kinda difficult," Pacey says. "No, it won't," Gretchen says firmly, but Pacey points out that her car is in fact up on blocks in the frat's front yard. Gretchen gasps and starts bitching about Nick and how she can't believe she "fell for his crap again," and Pacey tells her to chill, there's probably an explanation. Gretchen snorts, "Yeah, there always is." Ouch. Then Nick himself, a.k.a. Lindsey McDonald, comes down the front walk and hugs a girl goodbye; Gretchen watches sulkily, and Pacey in turn watches Gretchen. As soon as Mystery Girl pulls away in her car, Gretchen storms out of the car towards Nick. He covers quickly: "Gretchen! My god, you look beautiful!" "You son of a bitch," she snarls back. Nick says he can explain, but Gretchen doesn't want to hear it -- she just wants her car back, now, and she wants to get as far away from Nick as possible. Nick lays a song-and-dance routine on her about something getting fucked up with the carburetor, and Gretchen busts him, saying she knows what the carburetor does and she knows you don't have to remove the tires to fix it, and Nick says that all her road trips wore the tire treads down, and he knew he "risked losing [her] trust," and it hurts if she'll hate his guts for it, "but not as much as if somethin' happened to you." Ew. I need a shower. Pacey falls for it, though, thanking Nick for looking out for Gretchen; Gretchen snarks that yeah, Nick "is a renowned protector of women." Nick tries to explain about Mystery Girl, and Gretchen interrupts to say she doesn't care, but Nick talks over her, saying that MG lives there, but she's staying at her mom's for the night so that Gretchen can have her room, and if Gretchen wants to leave, they'll fix her car and blah dee blah, but if she's staying to see friends and doesn't want to drive back, she'll have "a comfortable place to crash." Yeah -- provided she can wade through the seventeen bushels of corn you just dumped on her. Pacey makes "so can we stay can we can we" motions at Gretchen with his eyebrows. "God help me," Gretchen grouses. Nick tells her where to find MG's room, and adds that after she gets "washed up" (?), he and Pacey will have a medium-rare veggie burger waiting for her. "You think you know me so well, don't you?" Gretchen says sadly. "As well as any guy can," Nick shrugs. Oh, it's THAT guy, the guy who slings the bullshit about the girl "keeping her distance" and "not letting him in" and then uses that as an excuse to cat around. Then Nick sucks up to Pacey by asking if he likes imported beer, and he slings an arm around Pacey's shoulders and leads him inside, leaving a trail of slug juice behind him. Gretchen sighs.
Dawson, carrying a box of clothes, heads in the direction of the Ryan Home, only to find Grams "What Is The Sound Of One Foot Kicking Ass" Ryan and Mr. "Miyagi" Brooks bidding each other a fond goodbye. Then Mr. Brooks spots Dawson, sighs all "oh great," and says as he passes Dawson, "If you value your life, not a word." Dawson watches him go, then proffers the box to Grams, saying he thought she might give the clothes away at the church. Grams thanks him, and then Dawson gets all in her business and asks, "Are you two -- dating?" "Oh, Dawson, please -- at my age, one does not 'date,'" Grams snorts. Dawson needles her. Grams says that she and Mr. Brooks plan to have dinner at the IHOF and then see Almost Famous, and as Cameron Crowe gets yet another unwarranted product placement, Dawson says that "dinner and a movie" is the textbook definition of a date. Grams asks if Dawson is so protective of Jen, and Dawson patronizingly reminds Grams that "Jen is well-versed in the pitfalls and problems of relationships." Oh, okay -- and Grams, married for over forty years, isn't? Shut up, Dawson. Grams informs him, quite patiently considering his tone, that while she hasn't felt this way about a man since Gramps passed on, "I assure you, I also am 'well-versed.'" Hee! Go, Grams. She thanks him for his concern, takes the box from him, and gives him a "…so shut up" look before heading inside. Dawson smiles, discomfited.
Yacht Club storeroom. Arguing. Bitching. Insults. "Don't touch me, please!" Long story short, Drue drags in a couple of boxes that Joey had used to prop the storeroom door open, the door shuts on them, the knob falls off, and they get locked in. More arguing, bitching, and insults. "There's another way out -- when the cleaning crew arrives, Monday morning." Contrivance has fallen asleep on a pillow and begun drooling on it.
After the commercials, we're back to the storeroom. More crabbing and sniping. Joey tries to pick the lock with an eyebrow pencil. Joey's calf-length sweater-coat flaps, then calls its agent. Joey blames Drue for getting them trapped. Drue goes through her bag while delivering more commentary on her remaining a virgin and looking askance at her gnarly hairbrush. Joey threatens Drue with bodily harm. Drue tries to give her tips on hairbrush-cleaning. Joey snatches the brush away.
The long-awaited hot-tub scene. Busy StaceyRosie-spotting, I miss most of Nick's Animal House-genre pontification on The Nature Of College Life. Still…shut up, Nick. Pacey: "This is the life." Nick continues the cornball blather about "college is a fresh start" and shut UP, Nick! No wonder Gretchen fell for the guy; he's an even bigger know-it-all than she. Well, speak of the devil and she appears to bust on the two guys. Pacey says he likes Nick. Nick gives Gretchen The Look and invites her into "the healing waters -- they're good for the soul." StaceyRosie springs out of the background, screams, "Kiiiiiii-YAH!" and holds Nick's head underwater while spraying the other extras with throwing stars, and then she whips a set of nunchuks out of her sleeve and twirls…oh, sorry. Daydreaming again. Anyway, Gretchen declines, saying that her soul is just fine, and goes to say hi to a few friends, all of whom look a good fifteen years younger than she does. Nick ogles her ass and oozes that "all of her is fine." Pacey takes the opportunity to mention that Gretchen could use a guy like Nick -- to do what, grease a muffin tin? -- and she's still single and blah.
The nursery. Jack and Dawson paint. Jack struggles with a roller and delivers a monologue on the subject of the age difference between Dawson and his new sibling, and how, when the sibling is eighteen, he or she will just have begun his or her life, "and [Dawson's] will be pretty much over." Oy. No comment. Jack laughs at his own joke for a moment, then remarks that Dawson isn't listening to a word he's saying. Dawson admits that he isn't, and apologizes; Jack asks what's up, and Dawson says he's "worried about Grams -- [he's] afraid she's gonna get her heart broken." Oh, please, Dawson -- you just want to tell her all condescendingly how she should do, once again prompting the grown-ups to marvel at your so-called quiet heroism, so don't pretend that it's about Grams, okay, Mother Te-grease-a? And SHUT UP. Jack chortles that he thought her heart belonged "to the Lord." Damn, Jack is getting lumped with some baaaad lines this week. Dawson fills him in on the Mr. Brooks thing. Jack can't believe it. Um, wouldn't Jack know about it before Dawson would? Whatever -- Dawson makes an On Golden Pond comment (like, ha ha. Not), Jack refers to Grams's "love is the hardest of woods" line from last season, Dawson tells Jack that Mr. Brooks is dying, Jack begins the exposition beguine by wondering aloud why Grams would get together with a dying man after what she went through with Gramps, Dawson pastes an oily lock behind his ear and snits that "obviously" Mr. Brooks hasn't told Grams, and Jack tells Dawson that he (Dawson) has to tell Grams or he (Jack) will. Okay, both of you, listen up -- Grams is devoutly religious, not profoundly retarded, and she probably has a better handle on the situation than a self-centered virgin and a guy who's never had a boyfriend, so get back in the shallow end where you belong because it's NONE of your BUSINESS. I really CANNOT ABIDE the tendency this show has to lionize the self-styled "insights" of the teenage characters, most especially Dawson, into the lives of the adults -- like, you just got your driver's license, Little Buddha, so stop acting like you know fuck-all and keep your mouth shut unless someone asks your opinion, which they won't, because you don't have the experience to back up your condescension, and nobody cares what you think in the second place.
Any. WAY. So Dawson talks about how happy Grams looked, and Jack says that she's only happy because she doesn't know the truth, and Dawson equivocates because he doesn't want to have to tell Grams -- apparently he'd just rather sit in silent, nostril-flare-a-licious judgment of both her and Mr. Brooks -- so Jack busts out the Joey/Pacey card, asking if Dawson would rather have stayed in the dark about it, or had someone tell him "the difficult truth" at the beginning. Dawson makes a "point taken" face, although I don't know that that example makes Jack's point at all, but I find the entire subplot odious, so I'll just move on.
Storeroom. Drue shivers and announces that if he had a sweater in this situation, he'd share it. Joey narrows her eyes and snarkily declines to share. Drue then intones dramatically that, if he dies, Joey can do what she needs to do, i.e. eat him. Shut up, Drue. Joey gets up and climbs up on some shelving to see if the cans on the top shelf have food on them; Drue warns her, "You're gonna fall and break your neck, at which point I am taking your sweater." Heh. Drue babbles on about who will play them in the TV movie based on this event, making a meta-comment about a teen idol "trying to break into features" that falls as flat as all the other meta-statements the writers toss up in the air, and Joey splutters for him to shut up (word), and Drue mentions Lacey Chabert taking the role of Joey and blah bleh bluh. Joey pulls down a can of something, but it's nothing edible: "This expired, like, when I was born." She reaches up to replace the can, loses her balance, and falls backwards, only to land in Drue's waiting arms. Joey blinks and looks flustered, at which point Drue kisses her. The kiss lasts maybe two tenths of a second before Joey jumps down from his arms and they back away from each other. Shot of Drue, stunned at himself. Shot of Joey, passing from "stunned" into "irate." Back to Drue, who makes a "huh" noise and smiles. Then the Foley guy whacks a piece of meat with a rolling pin and files for overtime pay, followed in short order by Joey reliving her Grant Bodean glory days and popping Drue in the face with a roundhouse right. Drue's head snaps back around, and he gingerly touches his cheekbone and glares at her, gasping, "You could have just said thanks!" Joey stomps past him. Snerk.
Frat party. Gretchen protesteth too much to Nick that she has "a life now" (no comment), a job, friends, "a great place by the water," blah blah blah. Nick asks if she doesn't miss college just a little. She doesn't. Nick doesn't believe her, based on "that thing" she does with her chin when she's hiding something. Ew. Shut up, Nick. Gretchen denies doing anything with her chin, but Nick says she does; he smarms that a little line on her chin always "drove [him] crazy about" her, and he reaches out to touch it with his finger. I spritz myself and my television with Lysol. Gretchen looks mesmerized, but informs him that "it's not gonna work, Nick." Nick: "What?" Gretchen busts on him for playing the sensitive-guy card and informs him that she's not going upstairs "to see [his] guitars, so don't ask." Heh. Also, ew. Pacey comes up, throws an arm around each of them, and says that it's so good to see the two of them together and can Nick believe that Gretchen's still single. Gretchen smirks and says that before Pacey shows Nick her teeth to prove that she's "good breeding stock," they'll have to excuse her, and she walks off. Word -- drop it, Pacey. Pacey tries to sell Nick on Gretchen some more, lying that she's wild about Nick and that she talked about him "the whole ride up" there, and then asks what happened between them. Nick, staring at Gretchen as she chats with friends, answers absently that their lives "just moved in two different directions." Oh, okay. Because twenty-year-old frat boys talk like that. Not. They don't.
Then we get a shot of a skank with over-processed red hair leering at Pacey, and Nick observes that he thinks he sees someone who wants to go in Pacey's direction. Nick, seriously -- shut up. I mean it. We already have a Larry from Three's Company. The skank wiggles her fingers at Pacey. Pacey waves back politely and tells Nick he doesn't think that's such a good idea. Nick eggs him on, but Pacey mentions a someone back home who wouldn't like it. Nick points out that that someone isn't here, and he won't rat Pacey out, so Pacey should go for it; he tosses Pacey his key, telling him to take the room upstairs to the left and where to find the condoms. Nick seeps over to mack on Gretchen some more, but not before turning to Pacey and sliming, "Don't mention it, man. Guys like me and you, we gotta look out for each other." Pacey watches Nick weave through the partygoers and looks grossed out. I prepare for a refreshing dip in a vat of Clorox.
Ryan Home. Grams arranges flowers; she's got her hair down and a plaid dress on, and she looks very cute and about ten years younger than when her hair's done up in its usual twist. Dawson knocks at the back door, and Grams beckons him in. Dawson makes to stick his nose into Grams's business, then stops short in his stuttering to say, "Wow." "What? What is it?" Dawson tells her she looks beautiful. Grams thanks him, beaming, and hopes aloud that her dress "isn't too much," then snarks, "Wouldn't want anyone to think we were dating." Ha! Dawson laughs uncomfortably, then says, "Getting into a new relationship can be intoxicating." I don't think we have the words in English for the inappropriateness of either the comment itself or the superior tone in which it's delivered. I am literally speechless.
Oh, wait, here we go -- SIT ON IT, OUTLAW NOSY WALES!
Aaaaaanyway. Grams pointedly observes that she doesn't see Dawson bearing clothes for the church, and since Jen is "off at a fishing concert"…Dawson breaks in to say, "Phish broke up; it's Widespread Panic." Like, ha ha. Not. NOT! Grams doesn't care, tucking a flower behind her ear and quoting a poetry couplet before asking Dawson what he wanted to talk about. Dawson can't go through with it, choking out a dry-mouthed "I just wanted to say, have a great time tonight." Grams smiles at him. He heads for the door. Grams catches on and says quickly, "I know he's sick." Dawson, surprised: "You do." Grams asks if that's what Dawson wanted to tell her. Dawson figures that Mr. Brooks told her, but Grams says no, "of course not" -- Mr. Brooks wouldn't just come right out with something like that. "Then how'd you know?" Dawson asks. Grams informs him loftily that "I've been a nurse for forty-seven years, and a woman a few years longer than that," but Dawson refuses to get put in his place, asking how she can "start something with" Mr. Brooks if she knows he's dying. Oh my god, Dawson, go walk your dog and stow it! Jaysus!
Grams shakes her head at Dawson's bullheadedness, then tells him that she and Mr. Brooks laugh together, share the same interests, see life the same way: "Do you know how hard it is to find a friend like that, Dawson?" "Yeah, I think I do," he smiles, but the smile soon turns to condescension as he says gently, "um, but I also know how hard it can be when that doesn't last." Yeah, so does Grams, you fucking jackass -- her husband DIED. Pay ATTENTION. And shut. UUUUUUUUP! Shut up shut up shut up shut up SHUT! UP! Shuuuuuuuuuut up! Shut! Up! Shut! Up! SHUT UP! Grams shakes her head, but instead of jabbing him in the eye with a flower stem, she explains patiently that "a moment, a single moment of true joy is more powerful than a lifetime of sorrow." Dawson looks at her pityingly and flares his nostrils.
Frat party. Pacey pulls Gretchen out on the porch and shares with her his realization that Nick "is a world-class jerk." Gretchen already knows that; she tried to tell Pacey that. Pacey guesses they've both "had enough of Nick" for the evening, and Gretchen says she doesn't need Pacey to protect her. "He's the reason you left school, isn't he?" Gretchen corrects him, "I am the reason that I left school." Pacey, getting his bitch on, demands to know what Nick "did to" Gretchen. Nothing she didn't "allow to happen," Gretchen says, adding that she doesn't blame Nick, and neither should Pacey. "For what?" Pacey asks intensely. Gretchen looks back at Pacey for a long moment, then bites the bullet and tells him about her pregnancy and miscarriage. Pacey looks shaken -- good acting by Josh Jackson here -- and pats her shoulder all awkwardly and says he's sorry, and he's sorry for trying to force the two of them back together, which he wouldn't have done if he'd known what happened. Then he asks how Nick reacted when he found out. Well, it seems that Gretchen didn't tell him: "I didn't want to interrupt his plans to sleep with half the Theta house." Yeah, I called that, but still -- ouch. Pacey sets his jaw and mutters, "What a dick…what a dick. I can't believe I was hangin' out with that guy, thinkin' how cool he was." Gretchen just looks gloomy. Pacey starts to say, "I am gonna break --" but Gretchen stops him, telling him not to do anything and saying that she's not a victim, and she doesn't want Nick to know; nobody knows except Dawson. Predictably, Pacey objects to her telling Dawson before she told him. "He's my friend," Gretchen shrugs, and Pacey shoots back, "I'm your brother," but Gretchen's ready for him: "With a very specific idea of how a sister is supposed to behave!" Huh? No, seriously -- I don't know what she's talking about. Gretchen goes on to say that she left school to work on herself, not on everyone else's idea of her. Pacey says that's "fair enough," and bitches about Nick more, and Gretchen says that everything Pacey likes about Nick, she still likes about him too. And then there's Nick himself, sloshing up to Gretchen and handing her a beer and leading her away with a sleazoid wink-wink look over his shoulder at Pacey. Pacey just stands there, gobsmacked.
Back from commercials to the Brookshaven; Dawson edits footage of Mr. Brooks on his laptop while Mr. Brooks himself primps in a nearby mirror. Dawson runs the clip of Mr. Brooks sighing, "God, I miss her," then says he doesn't understand why Mr. Brooks wants to cut the scene "before it's over." Get it? Get it? "Nobody's saying anything!" Mr. Brooks blusters. Dawson protests, "Look at your face! Look at that expression! I mean, that says more than any words ever could." Mr. Brooks glances at the freeze-frame, then compliments Dawson on the "good eye" he's developing. Oh, whatever. Mr. Brooks asks for Dawson's help with something, and confesses that he's "grown rather fond of" Grams and he'd "like her to know that," so…he holds out a jewelry box containing a pair of obviously expensive earrings and asks Dawson, "Think it's too much?" Dawson flares his nostrils slightly and says that he's not the person to ask. God, no kidding. Mr. Brooks harrumphs something about himself and Grams "keeping company" and how it must bother Dawson; Dawson shrugs into his coat and says defensively that he doesn't think it's his "place to give advice about this." Oh, please -- I mean, it isn't his place, at all, but if Dawson sincerely thinks that it isn't, I'll eat my hat.
Dawson continues donning outerwear in silence. Mr. Brooks regards him ruefully for a moment, then asks, "Is that because a dying man just told you that he's fond of a woman who's like a grandmother to you?" Dawson doesn't flinch, opting instead for a self-righteous nostril flare and an obnoxiously judgmental question: "Do you have any idea what she went through with her late husband?" Oh, and you do, Dawson? Because you spent so much time hanging out over there after Gramps had his stroke? Grams didn't even like you in the first season, and when Gramps died, you threw Jen a buck-up-little-camper bone and went off on your sweater-vest-tastic date with Joey, so for the love of all that is holy and right in this world SHUT THE FUCK UP! Oh my god! I hate him again now. Damn writers.
Anyway. "Uh huh, actually, I do," Mr. Brooks says evenly. "Well then --" Mr. Brooks interrupts, thank the Lord, to finish Dawson's disapproving thought for him: "If I care about her, how can I put her through all that again." "Exactly," Dawson snits. "One thing worse than the pain of loss, is the aching void of inaction. She's not the kind of person who can live with that," Mr. Brooks says, in that tolerant tone one uses when one doesn't expect another person to understand, or much care whether they do in the first place. "She knows I'm sick," Mr. Brooks adds. Dawson busts on the both of them for knowing and knowing the other one knows and yet not talking about it and blah, and Mr. Brooks waxes philosophical for a bit about "the end of the race" before reminding Dawson that "God intends to kill us all," but it doesn't mean that you have to let the "cosmos" dictate your life, and if you fall in love with the wrong person, you can "tell fate to piss off," and so on and so forth. Dawson starts to roll his eyes, then thinks over what Mr. Brooks has said and grunts, "Give her the earrings." Mr. Brooks smiles hesitantly: "Thank you, kid." Don't thank him, Mr. Brooks -- it only encourages him, and nobody wants that.
Back to the frat party, where Nick is smarming at Gretchen, "You ever think about me?" Gretchen lies, "Rarely." Nick murmurs, "Chin." Gretchen laughs, "Occasionally." Nick thinks about her. Well, bully for Nick. Nick reminisces in an oily fashion about the time they locked themselves in his room to study for an astronomy midterm, which they failed, and Gretchen says softly that they've had "a lot of good times together," but she stresses the past tense. Nick lays a line on her about "old friends" and how old friends know each other; Gretchen gazes at him, wanting to believe, but says that there's a lot he doesn't know about her and a lot that's happened to her since she left school. "I know you've gotten more beautiful," Nick lubes. Gretchen smirks that he's "drunk," and Nick smirks back that she's "gorgeous" and invites her up to his room to "talk about the rest," and while I try and fail to think of an oilier line, Gretchen asks him if he ever changes, and Nick leers, "You know who I am -- I mean, isn't that why you came? And don't tell me it was to pick up your car because we both know that's not true." Gretchen stares uneasily at Nick's lips. Nick slimes, "You've come a long distance. Now don't you wanna go the rest of the way?" Good grief -- did he get these lines out of a book? Shut UP, Scuzzy Zoeller! Gretchen looks at him with a blend of desire and distrust. Nick gets up and holds out his hand. After a moment, Gretchen takes it and lets him lead her away. As they pass out of the shot, we see Pacey watching them and biting his lip. Cut back to Nick and Gretchen ascending the stairs; in the only genuinely college-y moment in the entire episode, Gretchen puts her half-finished beer on the balustrade, and Nick picks it up and starts drinking from it. Pacey bites his lip some more.
Storeroom. Drue snipes at Joey to "get away from" him. Joey's just trying to help. If Joey helps any more, Drue will spend his freshman year in traction. (Snerk.) If anyone has the right to be mad, it's Joey. Drue: you tried to kill me. Joey: you tried to kiss me! Drue: I saved your life, bizzotch, and anyway, how did someone so pretty get "so mean"? The busboys call you "el toro." Joey pouts about living on her own and taking care of herself and developing a thick "outer shell." Drue pouts about her developing "a pretty decent right cross." Then he tells her she's lucky her dad's in prison so she doesn't have to spend time with him, and we hear the sob story about Drue walking in on his dad "fervently studying the Kama Sutra" with someone other than NLNC. Joey decides to share her sweater-coat with him, but makes him keep his hands where she can see them. Then they talk about Pacey; Drue asks how she can stay in a relationship with someone "so different from" her, and Joey kicks it promo-style by saying that she and Pacey "[aren't] that different." Drue points out that she's responsible, and Pacey's "reckless and rash," but Joey points out that reckless and rash have their good points too, and those differences "make for a richer relationship," a phrase Joey has the sense to imbue with a decent amount of ironic tone. "Maybe in high school," Drue snorts, reading my mind, but he doesn't see Harvard admitting tag-along boyfriends "just to keep the world's cutest couple together." It seems Drue hits a nerve, because Joey threatens to break his nose as well. Drue sniffs, "Lighten up." Amen, my wandering-eyed brother.
Nick's room. Gretchen walks in almost reluctantly and sees candles burning. "Looks like you were expecting company," she says, a note of disgust in her voice. Nick snuggles up to her and slimes on her neck as she mutters to herself, "I can't believe I'm doing this." Nick goes to the bed and reaches his hand out again, whispering all sultrily that she "knew this was gonna happen -- you've been thinking about this since you left." Nick, for real now -- shut up. Nick adds that he knows how she thinks. Shut up, Nick. You can practically hear him pitching a Woodrow. Ew. Shut up, Sars. Gretchen asks him to guess what she's thinking "right now." Nick whispers that she's thinking that his arms feel "amazing" around her. Shut up, Nick. No such luck: "And that I fit you like a puzzle piece that's been missing." Ew! Shut UP, Nick. "And that you could lose yourself in me, for the rest of the night, and never look back." Okay, Daniel Steele? SHUT! UP! Please! I! Am! BEGGING YOU! They kiss, loudly. He eases her back onto the futon. The captioning reads, "Mmm…ahh…" Shut up, captioning. Gretchen pushes him away. Nick makes an "ah, she's playing hard-to-get…I like that" face. Ew. He flops back on the futon. Gretchen grumbles that "that used to be enough." Ew -- it did? Nick theorizes that he's the guy that everyone told her to stay away from, the cookie jar high on the shelf, "the person that's wrong for" her. He sits up, leans in, and smarms that "that's why a girl like you…wants a guy like me." Ew. I don't know why I bother, but…shut up, Nick. Gretchen, unable to breathe with a wheel of cheese pinning her down, pushes Nick away again; he sighs in exasperation and flops back again. Gretchen lies down and muses that he's "totally right," but she's just realized that she's "not that girl anymore." She smiles to herself, then looks over to find Nick sawing beer-drenched logs. She tries to wake him, then kisses him lightly on the cheek and whispers, "Thank you, Nick Taylor." Shut up, Gretchen. She gets up and sneaks out of the room, smiling fondly back at him as she goes.
Dude, maybe it's just me, but I think Karen Duffy is starting to look like…Drue. I think it's the hair. Regardless, it's chilling me to my very marrow, and even discovering how Mr. Sullivan eats a Reese's cannot warm me.
Gretchen descends the frat-house steps the morning to find Pacey under the hood of her car. She greets him with a sunny "hey," and he explains without making eye contact that he's tuning up the carburetor and he found the tires around the side of the house -- predictably, with no tread wear -- and blah blah blah, and she thanks him. Pacey grunts that he's fixed her car, and he just wishes he could "do the same for" her life. Gretchen tries to object, but Pacey talks right over her, questioning her judgment in falling for Nick; he can understand why she'd go for a bad boy or whatever, "but why this guy? He's an ass!" Heh. Roger that, Pacey. Gretchen smiles, acknowledging the truth in this. Pacey blames himself, saying that he pushed her to get back with Nick and that maybe he wanted to see her with someone "more like" himself. "You are nothing like Nick," Gretchen says firmly. Regardless, Pacey continues, she deserves someone who will listen to her, commit to her, make her the center of his universe. "Someone like Dawson?" Gretchen asks softly. No, no, silly girl -- Dawson makes himself the center of your universe. Didn't you get the memo?
Pacey, brought up short: "Oh, ah…that's not what I said." "That's what you meant," Gretchen tells him, then informs him that she didn't boink Nick Caveman and the Bad-Dialogue Seeds the night before. She almost did, but then she realized why she'd really come. To see Nick, Pacey assumes, but Gretchen says she came to say goodbye to Nick, as well as to a part of herself she's "always struggled with." Then she tells Pacey that she got the strength to say goodbye from him. Pacey looks surprised, then quietly gratified -- again, fine acting by young Jackson -- as she adds that, growing up, little girls learn from their brothers how men should treat them; she deserves better than Nick, and she knows that's true because she has "a brother who treats [her] so well." I don't know that I agree with Gretchen's logic, since by that token I'd expect the men in my life to, you know, tattle on me all the time, but still, it's a nice moment between them, so…awww. The Witters hug. Pacey quickly recovers in order to start housing Gretchen's musical taste, but she declines his offer of a Pink Floyd infusion: "There's this…CD mix that I wanna listen to." Oh, no. No, no, no, no, NO. Don't do it, Gretchen! Noooooooo!
Reconciliation Ranch. Dawson and Jack discuss inevitability and whether or not they believe in it. Jack's shoulder injury comes up; it's dead boring dialogue, but also surprising in that the writers remembered that Jack hurt his shoulder at all. Then they talk about Mr. Brooks and Grams. Kerr Smith is forced to deliver a line containing the phrase "the arbitrary nature of life and love." As I drift off to sleep, Jack continues speaking, wondering if perhaps Dawson's Tao derives from fear. Dawson doesn't want to repeat past mistakes. Jack asks if it's ever occurred to "Dawson-san [hee!] that they're not mistakes at all," that he's where he's meant to be right now, "with a girl that you wanted, way before Joey Potter" and a letter that expresses the way he feels about Gretchen in hand. D/J shippers the world over commit ritual hara-kiri. I fluff my pillow. Dawson looks at Jack. Jack makes an "I'm just saying" face. Dawson muses.
Storeroom. Church bells ring. A mouse wanders among the highball glasses. Joey and Drue doze. When they wake, the bickering resumes, this time on the subjects of Drue's alleged armpit funk and Joey's snoring. Ehhhh. Joey: "What's that buzzing?" Drue: "What buzzing?" Turns out Drue had his cellphone with him all along. Over Drue's protestations of "I forgot," Joey digs in his pocket for the phone and answers it (Drue: "Hey, I'd like dinner and a movie before we get to that!" Sars: "Heh."), telling the caller where to find them, then wings the phone at Drue and accuses him of planning the whole thing. Drue denies it, making "like I'd bother" noises, but Joey says she has no way of knowing what he got up to while she slept. Drue resents that, then refers to the make and model of Joey's bra, which he definitely didn't peek down her shirt to look at; just before Joey leaps at his throat, Non-Liz Non-Claiborne bustles in, spots Drue's black eye, and snaps at Joey, "What have you done to my son?" Joey tells her to ask Drue, that it's "all his doing." NLNC says in a tone of haughty disbelief, "Oh, you're actually going to suggest that my son would rather be locked in a closet with you than spend the weekend with his father?" Joey glares at her dully; then her gaze shifts to Drue, who closes his eyes, ashamed, then stares back at her. Joey slumps a bit and says, "I'll see you at school, Drue," and she takes off as NLNC examines a flinching Drue's black eye.
Witterschloss. Gretchen pulls in, strides up to the front porch -- hmm, looks like they had to pad the running time a bit -- and takes down a letter pinned to a column on the front porch. Enter the Dawson voice-over, a high-pitched attempt by Van Der Beek to sound ten years old which fails on just about every level. Gretchen reads and smiles. DVO: "Dear Gretchen: I really enjoyed talking to you in your room today. Try not to be nervous about starting high school." Okay, just for the record: Gretchen went to Capeside High, which, the last we heard, is a four-year high school, making her a freshman when Dawson wrote this letter. The average high-school freshman is about fourteen. Gretchen is now twenty-one; Dawson, if we use the second season as our gauge of when his birthday falls, is not quite eighteen. We'll assume for the sake of argument that Gretchen is about three and a half years older than Dawson, which makes him at most eleven years old when he wrote the letter we're hearing now. Eleven. Just wanted to put that out there.
All righty then. DVO: "I know you're going to find people who understand you." Cross-fade to a pony-tailed Grams and Mr. Brooks, chilling in the outdoor swing at the Ryan Home. DVO: "There's something I didn't get a chance to tell you. There's someone truly special in my life that I can't stop thinking about. She's unlike anyone I've ever met." Because you're eleven. Mr. Brooks hands Grams the jewelry box; Grams, shaking her head in mock disapproval, opens it. DVO: "Smart, and funny, and beautiful, and just knowing that she's in my life has given me this constant fluttering that keeps me awake at night." Grams gasps and puts a hand to her heart, then looks lovingly at Mr. Brooks. Aw. Cross-fade to the Flashhoppers watching a videotape of Gale's ultrasound; we can't see the sex of the baby. DVO: "When I think about who I can talk to about this, who will understand, the only person that comes to mind is you -- and that's a problem, because you are the one I feel this way about." Fade to Gretchen in her car, driving like a banshee and crying -- touched, I guess, by the fact that an eleven-year-old copied an entire passage out of The Bridges Of Madison County for her. DVO: "I think about you constantly, every little thing you do -- the Elvis Costello sticker you put in your spiral notebook, the way your bangs have grown out every day now for six months, until Monday, when you were finally able to put it all in a ponytail. And today, when you invited me to stay and talk to you after Pacey left, it occurred to me that you must think about me, too." Naturally, that "occurred" to Dawson. He thinks everyone thinks about him. Fade to Pacey and Joey canoodling on the dock. DVO: "If I tried to tell anyone else, they would say that you and I are impossible, that our lives are too different, that we could never be right for each other. But we understand each other, and we care about each other, and years from now, I believe that we still will. Your friend forever. Love, Dawson."
Fade to Dawson, hammering something. (Ew.) Dawson, his bangs flopping in his face like the Scarecrow from The Wizard Of Oz, pauses in his work and looks up; presumably, he hears Gretchen's car pulling up, although we can't hear it because a sensitive testicle is squalling something at the top of its lungs about getting carried away. Dawson turns to see Gretchen walking towards him, clutching the letter and looking worried and lovelorn, and he smiles and puts his hands on his hips expectantly. Dawson: "What took you so long?" Gretchen: "I had a few things to do first." Dawson's Creek legal team: "Singles? Never heard of it. No, really." They kiss. The camera mercifully dollies up and away from them as we go to end credits.