Big ups to Wing Chun, the best houseguest ever, and to everyone on the DC boards for their patience.
Oh, and by the way, YOU'RE THE MAN NOW, DOG!
Previously on Dawson's Creek: Jack fulfilled the episode's "encourage Dawson" quota by blathering on about serendipity and whatnot; Gretchen and Dawson got together while Cameron Crowe endorsed his royalty check; Joey told Pacey that they talk about the future, and he corrected her that they talk around the future; Jack and Tobey hissed and spat at each other, and then Tobey ran off sideways with a fluffy tail; Dawson confessed to Pacey that he has feelings for Gretchen, and Pacey, paralyzed with disgust, totally failed to shove Dawson's deck chair into the creek.
Fade up on a sleeping Pacey "Love Means Never Having To Say 'Shut Up, Joey'" Witter. A blue plate bearing a Hostess cupcake with a birthday candle stuck into it makes its way into the bottom of the shot, and Joey "Miss" Potter "If You're Nasty" serenades him with "Happy Birthday." Aw, that's cute. Pacey sleepily grumps at her to go away, and Joey looks annoyed and tells him to make a wish before she sets the couch on fire. Pacey wishes for "no further acknowledgment" of his birthday, except he says it a lot more floridly and self-pityingly than that. Joey shrugs, blows out the candle, and informs him that, now that she knows his wish, "it can't possibly come true." Pacey sighs heavily and struggles into an upright position, saying that he appreciates Joey's "naïve enthusiasm," but every single one of his birthdays since the tenth one "has been a complete disaster." He wanders into the kitchen, mummified in a blanket, and continues in this vein. "Well, at least you're not being dramatic about it," Joey observes dryly. Heh. Hey, Old Joey. Thanks for coming by. Oh, you have to -- no, wait! Stay! Pacey's making coffee…? Well, see you later. Pacey then kneels, crosses himself, and recites The Litany Of Childhood Trauma: at his first boy-girl party, he ate too much and hurled on a girl he really liked, and she dubbed him "Pacey Pukey," and his family latched onto the nickname and still uses it; when he turned sixteen, he threw himself a party, but nobody showed up. Okay, quick sidebar: it's worth noting here that, if they mean the party he threw for himself in Episode 202, tons of kids showed up to that, and also that, if we go by the timeline established by the end of the first season, Pacey's birthday actually falls in April or May, not in January. So we once again learn that, if continuity be the food of good writing, the DC creative team has gone on hunger strike. Okay, back to the pity party already in progress, where Pacey recalls getting "mauled by a dog" on his fourteenth birthday. And he's skipping the whole birthday thing this year. No, he isn't, Joey tells him. Pacey hugs her and says they could possibly "avert disaster" by spending the evening alone at the Witterschloss, and we switch to an over-the-shoulder shot of Joey lying guiltily, "I promise, just you and me." The sound of a cat bathing in nail-polish remover accompanies Joey looking guilty some more for about an hour and a half.
Okay, take Meredith Monroe out of the credits. It's time. It's past time.
Oh, brother. Reconciliation Ranch. While it's gratifying to see that Dawson "Skeevy D" Leery has a baseball hat on, it's quite annoying to see Jack "Queer As Joke" McPhee once again forced to play dancing-monkey-in-colorful-vest to Dawson's, er, organ grinder. Wow, that's really a disgusting turn of phrase. Sorry. Anyhow, they lug paint equipment around and exposition that Dawson is scared, and Jack doesn't see why because Dawson and Gretchen kissed, unless Dawson is worried about Pacey and Joey finding out, and Dawson says he isn't scared about that, he's scared because it's his "first official date" with Gretchen. If Pacey and Joey ask, Dawson will tell them the truth, and so will Gretchen: "It's really not a big deal." Jack snarks, "Sounds like a great plan." Dawson looks alarmed, probably because the hairstylist placed cat feces on his head and then tufted them out from under the cap he has on.
Witterschloss. Gretchen "Oops, I Did It Again" Witter is making a big old federal case out of Not Planning Anything for Pacey's birthday, and Joey says that Pacey made her promise not to do "any big event-y stuff." Pacey sits at the table and flips through his mail while the girls talk about the absurdity of Pacey's birthday-curse beliefs; after a minute, Joey realizes that Pacey isn't listening. "What?" she asks, as Pacey stares all preoccupied at an envelope and then snaps out of it to say, "Nothing." Envelope in hand, he bolts, allegedly to "go put some shoes on." The plot "twist" phones from San Francisco International Airport to let me know when its flight gets in. Joey takes the opportunity to stage-whisper to Gretchen that she's throwing Pacey a surprise party at their parents' house, and she needs Gretchen to come. Gretchen is all "bad idea" -- her parents "are insane," and Pacey "will kill" Joey. Joey knows that, but it's Mrs. Witter's idea, and Joey should have said no, probably, but she didn't, and she needs as many "friendly faces" there as possible. She begs Gretchen to come and asks if she has any plans tonight. Gretchen Three's Companys that no, God, no, of course not, who, her? "I don't have much of a life," she adds. No kidding, Obvious Rosenberg. Gretchen finally agrees to go, on the condition that Joey trim off the Hydra's worth of split ends currently residing on the shoulders of her Delia's sweatshirt. Well, not that last part. Joey confirms that Pacey will in fact kill her. "Oh yeah, you're dead," Gretchen says.
In the kitchen of the Ryan Home For No-Longer-That-Wayward Girls And Self-Actualized Senior Citizens, Grams "Seven Seas Of" Ryan and Jen "Grace Under Fire" Lindley do artsy-craftsy things at the kitchen table and listen to big-band music. Grams observes that she loves the song that's on. Jen wants to know why Grams is so happy, and Grams tries to play it off like she's just enjoying the Martha Stewart Hour with Jen, and she reminisces about her own grandmother teaching her how to do decoupage. Then she asks what Jen's got on her dance card that night, and Jen begins the exposition beguine, saying that she's got a few more community-service hours to kill, so…hold on, someone's at the door. Oh my god, Continuity! Come in! Good grief, you look like you've spent the last two months tied up in a boxcar! Oh, you did. Really -- not even a sandwich? That's terrible. Okay, just put your feet up while I finish this recap. Sorry, folks; back to the show. So Jen has this Safe Rides thing she's doing where she ferries "a bunch of drunk kids" home from the Saturday-night keggers. Grams observes absently that it "sounds like fun." Jen cocks an eyebrow but goes on to say that she thinks her whole community-service deal didn't really serve the community at all; clearly trying to get a rise out of Grams, she calls it a "big fat waste of time." "Mm hmm," Grams practically hums, coming back over to the table with a cup of coffee. Jen frowns, "Okay, what is with you?" Grams dodges. "Yeah, you're all flighty and spacey and…" Grams sips her coffee. Jen accuses her of thinking about sex. Grams snarfs the coffee. Jen blah blah blah "perfectly natural to think about sex." Grams weaves. Jen asks if Grams and Mr. Brooks have had "the safe-sex talk," and goes on about Mr. Brooks's possible kinks and whatnot, and it's all very non-funny, and instead of saying, "Oh, do shut up, Jennifah, and remove that brassiere strap from your hair posthaste," Grams tells Jen that she knows Jen's trying to "freak [her] out" because she doesn't like doing decoupage, and then maybe Grams will ground her and she'll get out of having to do her community service that night. Jen, grinning: "Did you just say 'freak me out'?" Hee. Grams informs her that she has her "bases covered" in the safe-sex department, so Jen can just get back to cutting and gluing, and by the way, she's going to community service tonight, period. Jen admiringly observes that Grams turned the whole conversation around on her. "I've learned from the best," Grams twinkles. "That's true," Jen twinkles back. Aw.
International House Of Fishcakes. Enter Dawson, unfortunately sans hat. Gretchen, behind the bar, greets him with "hello there, handsome." Not shown: a production assistant clapping the little clapper thingie and saying, "Take 329," while the director calls out, "Okay, Sasha -- we know it's sick and wrong, but it's in the script, so focus!" Dawson wants to know where Gretchen wants to go on their date. Gretchen, in a tone usually reserved for upcoming accounting seminars: "Right. The date." Dawson calls her on it, and she says that she's excited (ew) for the date and everything, but Pacey's party came up, so they both have to go to that, blah. Dawson takes it in stride, making "not much of a first date, but" noises, and Gretchen says that she thought maybe they could "postpone" the whole first-date thing. Like, until after the lamb breaks the seventh seal and the whore of Babylon comes in for a pint, because she's kind of busy until then. Except that she doesn't say that. She does, however, grab a stack of napkins, smile really fakely, and walk away, which will have to suffice.
Dawson doesn't see why they'd do that. Gretchen doesn't really want to come out of "that particular closet" at Pacey's party, since Pacey and Joey don't know about them yet. Dawson says it's not a secret, Gretchen says nobody knows, Dawson says Jack knows, Gretchen says nobody else knows, Dawson says does she mean they should hide it, and Gretchen says she means "not so much hide it, just…not tell anyone." Heh. She walks off again. Dawson says that sneaking around is the surest way to get caught. He does not, however, refer to What Went Down Last Spring O Woe Is Me, so the reference is less irritating than usual. Gretchen continues to pick semantic nits. Dawson asks if "this" is "about" Pacey and Joey, or if it's about Gretchen and her family, and why is she ashamed to go on a date with him? Well, hmm. Ugly? Check. Asshole? Check. Can't get into bars? Check. Nnnnnnext case! Instead of busting out this handy checklist, though, Gretchen protests too much that she's not ashamed -- Dawson knows her family, it's a nightmare anyway, they should "be sensitive to" Joey and Pacey, and she really needs to deal with these napkins and not meet Dawson's eye. Dawson's nostrils do The Merengue Of Hurt: "Sensitive to them by lying to them?" He's never known her "to be anything less than straightforward -- what's going on?" As The Piano Of Dawson Getting Shot Down By A Utah Firing Squad rumbles in the background, Gretchen says too brightly that she's not ready "to go public with this." Dawson, hoping to guilt her into changing her mind, says loftily that, if it's something she thinks she has to hide, it's not something she should do "in the first place." Gretchen looks at him, folds her lips, and looks down at the napkins, silently begging them, "Save me, for the love of God!" Dawson's face falls halfway; he makes a "well then" smacking noise with his lips -- good acting by Van Der Beek there, actually -- and says flatly, "I'll see you tonight," and walks out. Gretchen looks after him, sad and ashamed of herself. Then she does a little dance and sings the Eddie Murphy McDonald's song -- "I got the NAPkins, and you can't HAVE them." Except we don't see that part. Damn editors.
Jen gets her marching orders from the Safe Rides lady, who then introduces her to her partner. Contrivance, noisily eating an apple: "Hey, it's -- it's -- it's that guy! What's that guy's name again?" Sars: "It's Tobey 'Tobey, Why Ya Buggin'.'" Contrivance: "Doesn't he have a last name?" Sars: "Pipe down, Continuity is trying to get some rest here." Contrivance: "Oh. Sorry. Hey, does your cat like peanut butter?" Then I take Little Joe to the vet and have his jaws pried open, at a cost of ninety dollars, and when I get home, Contrivance is in the shower. Again.
Then Jen asks Tobey what he's doing there, and Tobey leers that it's "the best place to pick up boys -- the drrrrunker the better!" Oh, fine. Hee! The Safe Rides Lady rolls her eyes and goes to pick up her check. Tobey says that he's a volunteer, there "of [his] own free will." Jen loops her arm through his and hopes he can brighten up her last few hours of "indentured servitude." Then she tries to sell Tobey on the idea of stopping by Pacey's party, saying that "Jack is going to be there" and she knows he'd love to see Tobey. Yeah, if by "love" you mean "oh, thank GOD, a plot of my very own, to love and to cher -- oh, it's you. Fuck that." Tobey agrees with me. Jen keeps trying to sell it. Tobey: "Not all homosexuals have to be friends with each other, you know." Snort. Jen says she knows that. Tobey snits that he's not convinced that Jack is gay -- and, if relative gayness is based on the level of action, well, join the club, Tobey -- but then ruins it by making an obnoxious comment about how maybe Jack's "doing it" for the rebel cachet, like, Tobey? After all of your talk of sexuality-based persecution, maybe you shouldn't accuse others of assuming a difficult lifestyle for the so-called "fag cred," because it belittles them, and because you totally work the downtrodden angle yourself, to an annoying degree. Also, shut up. Jen sings Jack's praises, saying that he's fun and funny and "built like a Greek god" (amen, sister), and he's lonely also, and Tobey should give him another chance. Tobey bitches about getting set up. Jen says that it's a friend set-up, not a nookie set-up. Tobey says good, because he's taken, "and Greg is extremely jealous." Jen makes a whatever face. So does everyone else on earth, and also a couple of astronauts.
Joey and Pacey. Pacey is blindfolded. Humorless banter about agreeing not to celebrate and guessing where she's taking him and Joey wearing lingerie and feeding him birthday cake and GOD GET ON WITH IT. Finally, she unblindfolds him and drags him inside the Witterhaus, to absolutely zero fanfare. Pacey begins to look ill as Sheriff "Santini" Witter looks over from his Barcalounger and grunts a three-beers-down-nine-to-go, "Oh, you're here. Surprise." Then Mama Witter comes out holding a plate and says, "Oh, shoot, we missed it," and then everyone else comes staggering out to yell "Surprise!" One of Pacey's sister's kids whacks Pacey in the goolies, and as he stands there doubled over, Doug "Henning?" Witter comes in and gives Pacey some shit, and we pan across the faces of Pacey's friends and loved ones as The Piano Of Impending Oedipal Doom plays. Pacey smiles all "someone's gonna get their ass kicked" as we fade to commercial.
What'sa mattuh -- yew see somethin' bayud?
Witterhaus. Chaos. Gretchen walks around with a bowl of chips. The Witterlets have tackled Dawson; one of them actually has her little hands buried in Dawson's slimy mane. Not shown: the Witterlet's stage mom writing a child psychologist the first of many, many checks. Pacey sits on the couch, staring dully into space. His older sister stuffs her face. Joey points out to Jack the "very festive" shrine to a German shepherd that, according to Gretchen, "has been there since Christmas '86." Jack didn't know they had a dog. "'Had' being the operative word," Gretchen cracks. Joey asks what happened to it. Well, if the shrine went up in 1986, you can probably assume that it died; dogs don't live that long. Anyway, Gretchen mutters, "We don't speak of that." Whatever -- it's important later, both as a stupid plot contrivance and as proof that the writers keep forgetting Joey and Pacey grew up together, sharing a mutual best friend, and thus would know about…but I've gotten ahead of myself. Jack and Gretchen head to the kitchen. Santini wanders in to tell Carrie, Pacey's older sister, that it's no wonder her husband walked out on her: "You're becoming a cow." Yeah, we get it. Thanks for the anvil, though. Then Santini tells a bullshit story about spending his eighteenth birthday in the jungle in Danang and then celebrating with a Vietnamese hooker. Do I need to pick that apart? Eighteen? Already in the army? Bullshit? Okay. Pacey calls him on it on my behalf. Santini asks if Pacey's calling him a liar. Mrs. Witter blathers something about Pacey and "a man today." Pacey smiles a tight smile of resignation. Joey looks worried. Mrs. Witter makes another damning-with-faint-praise comment about Pacey joining the service, and suggests that "Joanna" set the table. Pacey wearily reminds his mother that "her name is Joey."
Okay, sidebar, and then I don't have to say something every time it comes up. The entire premise of this episode is completely ridiculous. Joey has mentioned Sunday dinners at the Witters' before. Now, that's ridiculous on its face too, since Pacey as characterized wouldn't spend a Sunday with his family if he could avoid it, and certainly wouldn't ask other people to join him; he hates his family, he's ashamed of them, he's said so a thousand fucking times, and it doesn't make sense. BUT. If the writers expect us to believe that Joey has spent several evenings at the Witterhaus, it's absurd that Mrs. Witter wouldn't know her name. It's absurd that Mrs. Witter wouldn't have known Joey from around Capeside. It's absurd that Joey wouldn't have an intimate familiarity with the dysfunction of the Witter family, and therefore it's absurd that she actually looks worried, because she should have no expectation that the party won't go badly. And it's absurd that she'd have planned it in the first place, since her contention that Mrs. Witter "sounded so excited" about planning it is completely belied by Mrs. Witter's "oh, it's you" attitude towards Pacey in every single scene. The whole thing is a collapsed house of cards. I just wanted to say all that now so that I don't have to keep referring to the ludicrous tautology known as "the framework of the episode" over and over again. All righty then -- back to the recap.
Santini bellows at the TV. Gretchen sits to Pacey, who asks her to "just kill [him] now." Then Santini notices Jack and wants to know who the hell Jack is, and Jack stammers that they met some time ago on a fishing trip, and Continuity starts to pink up a bit as Santini gruffs that he doesn't remember. Mrs. Witter calls Joey "Josie." Pacey gets up and goes into the dining room and demands to know what the hell went through Joey's mind. She tries a little eye-avoiding "what do you mean," but he won't have it, reminding her that she looked him in the eye and promised -- just the two of them, alone. Joey says defensively that his family wanted to throw him a birthday party, and what's she supposed to do? Pacey says that his family doesn't give a crap about him or his birthday; it's just an excuse for Santini to get "drunker than usual" and tell Pacey he's "a disappointment," boo hoo hoo. Joey plays the orphan card, telling him that "they're not perfect, granted," but it's his family and he should try to make an effort. It doesn't matter what kind of effort he makes, Pacey whispers sadly; he'll still fail. Confused, Joey repeats the word "fail" and asks what he's talking about. He says nothing. Joey sweetly promises that, together, they'll get through the party "unscathed," and kisses him on the forehead. Pacey sighs to himself, "Oh, how I wish that were true."
In the kitchen, Gretchen teasingly accuses Dawson of giving her the cold shoulder. Dawson denies it, saying that he's "just mingling," and Gretchen whines, "Yeah, with everyone but me." Dawson rolls his eyes at her, asking if she remembers what they talked about earlier, and she says she's trying to forget, because she hopes they can reach "a mutually agreeable solution" to the problem. Then the rugrats interrupt and drag them off to "play."
Safe Rides minivan. Jen quizzes Tobey on his boyfriend. Tobey describes his boyfriend as "Jack's polar opposite," in such glowing terms that we know the boyfriend's a total lie, and with such smugness that it's annoying instead of just pitiable. Tobey, seriously -- shut up.
Joey comes out onto the Witterhaus porch to find Pacey sulking there. She tries to buck him up -- only two more hours and then they can leave, and he's not allowed to stay mad at her for dragging him to the party. He says he's not mad at her. She smiles, relieved, then peers into his face: "So, so what's wrong, why are you so upset?" Pacey tries to tell her, but he can't get the words out, and he suggests that they go for a walk. She says sure, and they've started to head off when Santini opens the front door, beer in hand, and slurs, "Sneaking off to smoke some marijuana?" Oh, whatever, Santini. Joey and Pacey just stare at him; he orders them to come inside because he wants to talk to Joey. They skulk in. Everyone sits down on the couch, and Santini thanks Joey for putting thoughts of college in Pacey's head. Joey shyly says she can't take credit for it, and Santini blusters that he has to "blame someone," because Pacey's "big dreams" mean that he'll have to finance "another drop-out's half-assed education." Pacey points out that Gretchen didn't drop out. Santini slurs sarcastically about barmaids in fish joints and how he's just a humble police officer so what does he know. I notice at this point that Santini is using a foam-rubber beer mitten. Hee!
Joey tries to tell Santini that she doesn't think Pacey "will be dropping out," and Santini volleys back that he thinks Pacey will flunk out, actually. Mrs. Witter comes in to do more discouraging. The perky characterization of Mrs. Witter is downright bizarre, given her husband's personality, but it's not even worth starting in on, so I won't. Husband and wife team up to tell Pacey to shoot low, that he's not college material, that instead of becoming a vet he should shoot for "dog groomer." Pacey looks bitter. Joey looks horrified. See above for why that's totally stupid.
In the basement rec room, Gretchen sets up some sort of revolving cut-out light that makes stars of light whirl around on the walls, and she tells a story about how her grandmother gave her the cut-out light thing, and how her grandmother told her the story of Isabella the star dancer who flew from star to star and blah blah blah, and we go to The Slo-Mo Of Cutesy-Poo as the kids -- who must not get out much if they're enraptured by this stupid tale -- gape in awe and Dawson grimly stares at Gretchen. Ah, yes, Isabella. "Free as a bird…but alone." We get it. Thanks. Then Gretchen and Dawson share some loaded (with boredom) banter about the tragedy of Isabella's plight. The kids pitch in with some meaningful comments of their own. Then they run off to wash up for dinner. Dawson and Gretchen leer at each other under the fake stars.
Upstairs, Joey tries to encourage Pacey some more, saying that he'll go to college and "do amazing [sic]" and shock them all and blah, and she totally does not see from Pacey's board-like body language that perhaps this is a chalupa she should think about dropping for the moment. Quietly, Pacey wonders what happens if they're right about him, if he's worthless and stupid, and Joshua Jackson does an excellent job of conveying the heaviness of heart attached to those you love thinking ill of you. Joey peers into his face again and asks what's going on: "This can't just be about your birthday." He admits that it's not, starts to tell her again, then suggests that they "take this to the basement, huh?"
They come down the stairs, past a gloriously fugly macramé wall hanging, and Pacey flips on the lights to find Dawson lying on top of Gretchen and kissing her. They freeze. Dawson peers up at Joey and Pacey from under a slippery scrim of sex-hair bangs. Gretchen sits up halfway and looks scared. Pacey stares at them in shock. Joey smirks, "Wrong room." Dawson smiles all mack-daddy at them, like, GET OFF HER, you pig! Jesus! At least pretend that you have some class. Blech. Then Mrs. Witter calls them all for dinner. Joey heads upstairs, clearly thinking of a way to explain her sudden loss of appetite, and Pacey makes an "I thought it couldn't get worse, and then it did, because Dawson had his nasty little chipmunk boner pressed up against my sister on my goddamn birthday" face and follows Joey.
And then I drank a bottle of lye and prayed for death, but Wing Chun made me go to the hospital and get my stomach pumped, and I lay there yanking at the tube in my nose and cursing her name and swearing that, the time Mark Greene bares his chest, I will not respect her right to die with dignity and respect, because she TOOK THAT FROM ME. For this, I live on, despairing? FOR THIS? CURSE YOU, O BLASTED WING CHUN! ["Oh, whatever. When you get a nice, tight close-up of Dawson scratching his nads at 600 RPM, then we'll talk." -- Wing Chun]
Oh, hello, soothing bottle of beer. And now, on with the show.
Dinner. It's chipped beef on toast, a.k.a. "shit on a shingle," which makes me laugh because my dad tells a story about going to basic training for the Pennsylvania National Guard and how every morning at breakfast the mess served chipped beef on toast, and for the first week nobody touched it, but the sergeants ran the unit so hard and for so long that they all started losing weight like crazy and they'd eat anything, and they all started not only eating the SOS but going back for seconds. From there, Dad usually launches into the story of how my uncle would write home from Ia Drang and beg my grandmother, only sort of kidding, to send him some Alpo because he couldn't eat the cans of C rations (known as C-rats, as in "See? Rats!"), and I digress wildly here because the scene itself -- well, you know, we get it. We got it two seasons ago, and it's boring. Anyway, Mrs. Witter calls SOS Pacey's favorite meal, but really it's Doug's favorite meal, and it seems that she's made this mistake before. Significant glances all around the table regarding Chipped-Beef-On-Toast-Gate, and also Yucky-Chipmunk-Boner-Sister-Gate, and Mrs. Witter gets Joey's name wrong again.
Kitchen. Dawson starts stammering at Joey about what she and Pacey saw; Joey, a little too absently, quizzes him on whether he's dating Gretchen or what, and Dawson stammers some more about how he doesn't know what's going on at the moment. Gretchen comes in, and Joey locates the ketchup and excuses herself, but not before shooting a death glare at Gretchen, and I don't know whether we're meant to think that Joey cares or not. Anyway, Gretchen gets all panicky, what do we do now, I don't know but Joey thinks we're a couple now, did you tell her that, I told her we had a date, what'd she say, blah blah BLAH, Dawson sighs in exasperation, what is it, is it a relationship, I know what I think so what do you think, I don't know what I think, LET. It. END. God! You kissed a couple of times; there's really no need to get all Saved By The Bell about it. Dawson snits at Gretchen to figure out what she wants, and he nostril-flares on out of there as Pacey comes in. It's like a French farce, that kitchen. A bad French farce. With no French people. Written by chimps. Retarded chimps. Gretchen wants to "talk about it." Pacey really really doesn't want to; he has bigger problems, namely a talk he has to have with Joey that will "impact" (AUGH! That's not a verb!) the rest of their relationship. Kind of, you know, like every other damn conversation they have. Gretchen wants to know what he's talking about. Pacey tells her to "stick to [her] own dramas, because they are much more entertaining." Than what, a sleeping contest? He leaves. Gretchen hisses at him, but he ignores her.
Safe Rides minivan. In the back, a het couple makes out voraciously; Tobey and Jen laugh. Cut to a drunk kid who looks about thirteen blabbering that "then I realized that she doesn't love me. She loves him. That's why she was having sex with him in the bathroom!" and he practically starts crying. Cut to two drunk girls, one asleep on the other's shoulder while the awake one tries to get Tobey and Jen to go drinking with them. Then the asleep one thinks she's going to hurl. Okay, that's the funniest and most realistic forty-five seconds of this show, EVER. Seriously. More Safe Rides footage, please.
Witterhaus. Pacey unwraps lame presents while everyone oohs and aahs encouragingly. Santini got Pacey fireworks. Pacey is less than thrilled. Mrs. Witter says that she recently read in Ladies Home Journal about sharing childhood stories with your kids on their birthdays. Can you see where this is going? Mr. Charles? Miss Keller? Everyone up to speed? Okay, so everyone starts telling stories about Pacey dorking out as a kid, which isn't that bad -- I mean, I never killed a family pet or anything, but my family tells horribly embarrassing stories on me, and I on them, all the time; you kind of have to have a sense of humor about it. Anyway, it's supposed to seem mean, and sad, and Gretchen tries to stop the downward spiral by relating a sweet story about The L'il White Knight coming to her rescue when a bully pushed her off the swings or something, but of course Santini has to shit on it, and then Carrie tells the story of Pacey trying to make pancakes for the whole family and how he set the kitchen on fire and the enshrined dog died of smoke inhalation. Cue The Sad And Downtrodden Banjo. All right -- that is mean to tell that story, especially when Pacey meant well and probably still feels terrible about it. Group awkward pause. Santini starts to tell a Pacey story, but Pacey yells, "Oh, enough -- enough!" He goes off on the family, saying that all the stories involve him messing up and letting them down, and that "nobody gives Pacey a break" and everyone always thinks the worst of him. Pacey rants on that Santini doesn't have to worry about his going to college, because his fallback school rejected him, so he's "a complete and utter failure" as predicted. He grabs his coat and blows that clambake, only to open the door on Tobey and Jen singing "Happy Birthday." He pushes past them. They stop singing. Joey follows him to the door, looking stricken.
The Dentyne Ice lady really needs to return that outfit to the set of Revenge Of The Nerds II pronto.
After the commercials, Joey struggles into her coat, preparing to go after Pacey, as everyone else stands around at loose ends. Dawson says he's going with. Joey says a bit impatiently that she can handle it on her own, but Dawson says that, actually, she can't, because Pacey took her car. "Fine," Joey snips, and heads out, Dawson in tow. Pan down to Santini looking deliberately blank.
Jack hands Jen a piece of cake, checks to see if Gretchen's had some, then looks over at Tobey shifting awkwardly from foot to foot and reluctantly goes over to say hello. Jack asks what Tobey's doing there; Tobey gives Jack The Look for a split second before covering with "to make you uncomfortable, of course." Jack says he's not uncomfortable, and asks about the "club." Tobey sneers, "Oh, the gay club, where all the gay kids hang out and be gay [sic] together? It's doing smashing." Snerk. Then he asks about Jack's club: "What's it called? Oh, Self-Hatred And Denial. How's that…going, Jack?" About as well as your Takes One To Know One Society, Tobey. So SHUT UP. "Yeah," Jack says all I-should-have-known, and excuses himself. As soon as Jack turns away, Tobey closes his eyes and then rolls them really hard at himself, which goes a long way towards redeeming him, since he's pulling a total pigtails-in-the-inkwell and can't seem to help it. But Jack doesn't see The Eye-Roll Of Oh My God Someone Please Shut Me Up Before I Kill Again With My Jerk-Assity, and he walks past Jen without a word, sighing. Jen turns to see Tobey fidgeting and looking like he might cry. Tobey looks at her like, "Uh. Oops. Jerk-ass, table for one." Jen looks back at him, then away, like, "Oh, okay, he likes him likes him." Very short scene, but almost…subtle. Almost.
Dawson Utility Vehicle. Joey announces preemptively that she doesn't give a crap what's going on with Dawson and Gretchen; they can "elope to Vegas for all [she cares]" (shout-out?), but she has other things to worry about at the moment. Dawson, busying himself with checking his blind spot, tells her that that's good, because he has no idea what's going on with him and Gretchen in the second place, and every time he gets close to finding out, "she freaks and won't tell [him]." Joey looks over at him sharply, then looks down before counseling him that "that's the Witters for you, Dawson" -- they keep their emotions "close" and their weaknesses even closer, and it's not that they don't care, "it's that they care so much." Dawson smiles, presumably because that rings a bell with him, although that's a more accurate assessment of Pacey than it is of Gretchen, but whatever. Joey adds that, eventually, they always tell the truth, but it's often after "you've selfishly ignored the signs" of whatever's wrong. Dawson tells her that it's not her fault Pacey didn't get into college. Joey knows, but it's her fault that he blames her because she said he'd definitely get in. Dawson smirks that that's "the Potters for you," believing in others more than they believe in themselves: "It's a real character flaw." Joey looks out the window, then sighs that they should go back; they'll never find Pacey out there. Dawson glances at her and smiles; when he turns back to the road, she glances at him and smiles a little. Not a bad little scene.
Marina. Pacey broods. Santini comes up behind him with his jacket: "Thought you might be needing this." Pacey shrugs into his jacket, takes his gloves, and asks hopefully how Santini knew to find him there. Santini didn't; the station got a call from a houseboat about "a creepy guy lurking" on the dock. Heh. "So, what're you doin' lurking on the dock?" Pacey wanted to be close to the water. Santini nods and takes a seat to Pacey; after a moment, he grudgingly confesses that he got rejected the first time he applied to the police academy. "You did?" "Yep. And let me tell you, Pacey, it was devastating." "Devastating"? Oh, right -- this man once used the word "wunderkind." Pacey grits out that he knows he's not college material, "but I just really really wanted it." Santini launches into The Speech Of Redemption, which is totally out of character and unrealistic, in which he says that he knows he's ridden Pacey about school, but it's not because he doesn't think Pacey's good enough to get into college, or to go; it's because he doesn't know if it's the right thing for Pacey. Pacey gazes at him, tears springing up, as Santini goes on, "But ask me if I think that you're meant to do great things…" He trails off. The Guitar Of Rapprochement plinks as the writers pray that we will accept this out-of-left-field turnabout on Santini's part, since, according to the history of the show, he doesn't think much about Pacey one way or the other. Then Santini tells his "remembering Pacey" story; he got Pacey fireworks for his tenth birthday, and Pacey said it was the best present he ever got, and they set them off together, "and you were really happy, Pacey. So I was too." You know, they could have just left it at "the best present Pacey ever got," because then we'd get it, and Santini would stay true to character. But no. Dear writers: You didn't earn that sap, so put it back. No love, Sars. Pacey gazes at his father and chuckles happily.
Safe Rides minivan. Jen thinks she'll make the Safe Rides tour "a regular thing." Then she gently busts Tobey for making up a boyfriend, saying that there's no other explanation for his acting so ass-y to Jack and fabricating a man in his life except that he Likes Jack That Way. Tobey looks terrified for a moment, then cringes, laughs, and admits it. Jen advises him, if he's interested in Jack, to make nice and become Jack's friend, and she teases Tobey about niceness as a "new concept" for him. "You are such a bitch," Tobey giggles. "Right back atcha," Jen smiles. They exchange a look. Yes, Tobey is a little much. Yes, Tobey needs to chill. But Tobey is cuter than a fluffy bunny so I hope he at least gets some screen time as Jack's friend, because…yow.
Witterhaus. Santini and Pacey approach the darkened house, and Santini asks, "Where'd everybody go?" "My guess would be the Red Lobster." Hee. Then Pacey cracks on his mother's chipped beef on toast, and Santini laughs and claps Pacey on the back all "yeah, tell me about it." They open the door, and the lights come on and everyone yells "Surprise!" and starts singing. Joey holds the half-eaten cake, festooned with lit candles, as everyone sings, and after finishing the song, she mouths, "I love you." Aw, cute. Pacey blows out his candles, and everyone claps, and he smiles happily. Aw, cute again.
Outside, Gretchen lugs some logs out to the campfire where Dawson is moping. She takes a seat beside him and says she thinks he's right: "It was about me." She knows how she feels about him, but she's scared, because…what if she leaves soon? She wants to "have this thing" with him (ew), but she's scared that she'll hurt him when she goes. Dawson reminds her that he's leaving too at the end of the year, "but that's not the point. The point is right now," and he beams at her. "And right now you're here, and so am I," he goes on, "so let's make the most of this, and not be afraid." I think Gretchen should be very afraid, actually. "Sometimes I don't know if you're wise or just naïve," Gretchen laughs, "but I think it's wise." Wise-ass, maybe. More goopy blather about fearlessness and the Isabella story having a happy ending, and then they kiss. Happily, The Guitar Of New Love drowns out the feedback from the lip mics.
Aaaaaand it's 8:51 -- time for The Talk About The Relationship. Ugh. Joey apologizes for throwing Pacey "such a bad party." Pacey says it's not her fault. Joey bites her lip and says that she knows how he must feel, but one rejection isn't the whole story. Pacey shrugs that it's "not really about the rejection"; as Joey tries to read him, he says, nearly crying, that their paths diverged in a yellow wood and miles to go before we sleep and look upon my works ye mighty and despair and farther and farther apart and blah blah blah promocakes. Pleadingly, Joey argues that all roads lead back to the two of them, and that won't change if they don't "let it." Pacey sighs that it's "getting harder and harder," and Joey interrupts him: "Well, then we'll try harder!" A testicle exhorts the audience to "lean on me" as Pacey looks into her eyes, and she looks back, and then they have a nice schmoopy hug, and Joey wishes him a happy eighteenth birthday, and they kiss, and then fireworks start going off, and that sounds like a whole wheel of cheese, but I actually didn't see it coming and it's kind of sweet. The whole family gathers to set off the M-80s and black cats and sparklers that Pacey got for his birthday, and the couples watch together and shoot each other The Look, and Santini looks happy, and the kids cheer, and Doug hoists one of the anklebiters up onto his shoulders, and Jack smiles toothily, and Santini slings an arm around Pacey's shoulders and wishes him a happy birthday as the sky lights up with color.