Big ups to Djb, Wing Chun, and everyone on the boards.
Previously on Dawson's Creek: Dawson bores Mr. Brooks by blathering on about Mr. Brooks's former life as a director; Dawson bores Mr. Brooks some more by announcing that he's "ready" to make a movie again -- specifically, a movie about Mr. Brooks; Dawson chaffs Gretchen about mistletoe, and she chaffs him back that "it's tradition"; Dawson and Gretchen, under aforementioned mistletoe, mack (tm Aaron); Joey and Pacey see Dawson and Gretchen mack, and Joey looks horrified, and Pacey looks nauseated.
Fade up on the Darkroom Dawsonorum, where Jack "'Six Geese'? Sure. 'A-Laying'? Wrong Subplot, Pal" McPhee asks Dawson "Forehead Calling Birds" Leery how it feels to have a dream come true. Surrounded by prints of Gretchen "Eight Old Maids A-Milking" Witter herself, Dawson makes a lame joke about getting trapped in an elevator with Kate Hudson, and Jack rolls his eyes and reminds Dawson that he liplocked Gretchen at the party the night, and that Dawson has described Gretchen as his first crush. Dawson observes mildly that "she does photograph rather well, doesn't she?" Jack rolls his eyes again and cracks on Dawson for his "attempts to feign coolness." Heh. Dawson makes more evasive noises, which prompt Jack to ask in disbelief if Dawson doesn't think kissing Gretchen meant anything. Dawson flips on the lights and shrugs that he had it bad for Gretchen back in the day, but not anymore; she's a friend, and he wants to keep it that way. "Famous last words," Jack quips, and Dawson observes that "not every kiss has to be life-altering." Right. Unless it's with you, in which case it could result in a lifetime of intensive PTSD therapy. Anyway, Jack jokes that believe him, he knows, and says he has to get going. Dawson hands him a photo to take to Grams, and Jack splutters, "Hey, how do you know I'm goin' over there?" Dawson arches a brow and snorts, "Please." Hee! Jack quickly caves and admits that he is in fact bound for the Ryan Home; Jen "Nine Ladies Clomping" Lindley has talked him into attending a gay-straight teen coalition gathering of some sort. Dawson comments as they head upstairs that it sounds political, and Jack says yeah, that's what he's afraid of.
As the two boys arrive in the foyer, Gretchen herself hails them with a "hey." Jack, struggling into his coat with the photo in his mouth, stares with naked glee at Gretchen, who glibs that she came by to help clean up after the party, but it looks like Dawson already did it, Dawson beams at Gretchen, blah blah blah. Jack throws a "duuuude" look Dawson's way before saying, "Yeah okay I'm gonna go." I can't really do the line delivery justice, but Kerr Smith has a real talent for these funny moments-of-awkwardness bits they give him. Memo to the writers: keep Jack away from the crying from now on, because he's way better at comedy -- or rather, "what passes for 'comedy' on this show."
Anyway, Jack bolts, and as Dawson shows him out, we get a quick shot of Jack giving Dawson the "awwwww yeah" face before Dawson stuffs him out the door. Snerk. I'm loath to admit that I approve of any element of Dawson's Creek which contains Dawson himself, but Dawson and Jack make me laugh. Moving right along, then. After Jack leaves them alone, Gretchen admits to Dawson that she came by because she "reacted stupidly" to "the whole mistletoe thing"; she should have just "cleared the air" then and there instead of waiting, an m.o. she describes as "sort of [her] policy on things like that." Dawson, dryly: "You have a policy on kissing your younger brother's former best friend underneath the mistletoe at holiday parties?" Bwa! Damn -- not only does Dawson get two good lines off in the space of a minute and a half, but James Van Der Beek gives the drama-club-veep routine a rest while delivering them? Christmas came early at Sars's house, y'all. Gretchen snorts that no, she doesn't; she just didn't say anything right then because she thought that Dawson might think the kiss meant more than it did, and he's young, and…Dawson interrupts to say that he's not that young, in a tone that implies that he resents the condescension, and on one hand, I don't blame him; Gretchen's only two or three years older than Dawson, supposedly, and her whole Mrs. Miyagi routine is getting super-tired. On the other hand, it's about time Dawson got a taste of that medicine. Whatever -- so Gretchen backtracks with, "No, no, right, of course not," and then says that obviously Dawson didn't think the kiss meant something more, all the while giving him a "Right? Right?" look, and Dawson shrugs disingenuously that "obviously" he didn't, and Gretchen blathers on about clearing things up before they get awkward, and how that would suck, and Dawson agrees, but despite the fact that the horse has dropped dead in front of her and flies have begun to circle its carcass, Gretchen keeps whipping it: "So, to sum up -- last night was strictly a season's greeting [sic] kind of a kiss." Dawson, the stench of rotting horseflesh assailing his nostrils: "Uhhh. Yeah." As the angry yowl of a cat forced to wear novelty pet antlers comes up on the soundtrack, Dawson follows Gretchen to the door. In the doorway, they exchange a long, awkward look before Dawson wheezes, "Happy holidays," and Gretchen wishes him a glazed "happy holidays" in return before slinking away, and Dawson closes the door behind her and sighs, a fake smile still glued to his face.
Dude, if I saw a bottle of Bod spray in a boy's boudoir, I'd -- hey, check me with the alliteration -- barf.
Back from commercials on the front lawn of the PB&B, where Joey "Seven Spines A-Slumping" Potter calls out to a non-speaking-part-this-week Bessie "Five Golden Seconds" Potter not to worry and to have fun. As the blue pick-up pulls away -- I guess "Where In The (Joy To The) World Is" Bodie "Sandiego" didn't make the final budget for this ep -- Pacey "My 'True Love' Gave To -- Oh, Wait. It Sank. Shit." Witter beams at Joey, then trails after her onto the porch, talking about the two of them together in the house, alone, for three nights, and how it "ain't gonna be half bad," and Joey gets all prickly and grumbles about how she has to look after Alexander "Two Years Old A-Being" Sandiego and study for her transcendentalism test. She busies herself tidying up the porch; Pacey adjusts a mitten before plunging ahead with, "You know, we still haven't talked about last night." Joey -- who really, really needs to give it up with the so-1999 ironed-hair look and trim off those split ends -- says acidly that she thinks they've established that Pacey "[was] the hit of the party." "Not that party -- the other one," Pacey says. Joey continues to feign ignorance, and Pacey finally mentions Mistletoegate in so many words, pulling Joey towards him in an attempt to get her attention; Joey pushes him away, babbling that she hasn't had time to think about that, she hasn't finished Thoreau or started Emerson, Alexander will wake up from his nap soon, blah. Right on cue, we hear Alexander bawling from inside the house, and Joey snips that "this is where the fun begins" and wriggles away from Pacey. Looking a little frustrated, Pacey watches her head inside.
Coffeehouse. Jack complains that it "isn't [his] scene," and when Jen blithely asks how he knows, he stage-whispers that he's the only guy there with no piercings. Like, ha ha. Not. Jen calmly reminds him that his so-called scene consists of herself, Dawson, and Grams. Heh. Jack makes a face, and Jen goes on to say that she knows it's hard for him, but he can't spend his entire life "surrounded by straight people," and she orders them two skinny vanilla lattes. Hey, Djb and I drink those all the time -- shout-out? Just then, a glasses-wearing guy who looks like a cuter, less-dorky version of Anthony Rapp approaches to ask if they've come for the meeting, and when Jen says yes, Rapp Junior enthuses, "Ooh, thank god -- we need more lesbians with decent haircuts." HA! Okay, I shouldn't laugh about that, but still: hee! Rapp Junior introduces himself as Tobey, and Jen introduces herself back but says she's just there "as a friend." Then she introduces Tobey and Jack, and Tobey wonders if he and Jack have met, and as he does so, there's a tight close-up on Tobey, and I yell at my TV, "Just say yes, Jack! Who cares if it's true -- he's cute!" No such luck -- Jack bites his lip and grunts that he doesn't think so. Jen, who also thinks she sees a spark, glances back and forth between the two of them and smiles. Then Tobey realizes that Jack's "the gay football player," and says that the coalition has "always wondered about" Jack. Mmm hmm -- "wondered." Yeah, me too. Oh, sorry, I must have drifted off into a daydream there. Anyway, Tobey sees Jack squirming and apologizes: "Was I wrong?" Jack mumbles that he's just not comfortable with "labels like that." "Oh, I see," Tobey says icily. "And which label bothers you more, 'gay' or 'football player'?" All right, good comeback, but I see what Jack means -- "you're the gay football player" won't exactly win any diplomacy awards in the conversation-starters department. Anyway, Tobey snits off, Jack glares dully at Jen, and Jen smiles brightly back at Jack. Heh.
Beautiful Mount Crusty Lodge. "And A" Mr. Brooks "In A Pear Tree" and Dawson chit-chat about film; I won't bore you with the particulars, except to say that Mr. Brooks lied about having never heard of Cameron Crowe, and also about not having seen any movies since Star Wars, because he thinks quite highly of L.A. Confidential. Evidently, his AARP card gets him "a nice discount at the Rialto." Long story short, Mr. Brooks agrees to do Dawson's documentary, in exchange for a producer credit "above the title" and Dawson directing "in name only." Dawson agrees with a smile that's equal parts eager and smarmy.
Back to the coffeehouse. Tobey is declaiming, Jen is listening with a furrowed brow, and Jack -- who, I notice, is wearing the sweater from J.Crew that I got for my dad last Christmas (shout-out?) -- is looking the way I imagine I often do while recapping, i.e. "bored and annoyed." He rubs his eyes and mutters that if he hears the word "gay" once more, he'll scream. Jen distractedly tells him to chill, "it's just a word," and Jack grumbles that "it's in every sentence the guy says." Um, Jack? It's a gay-straight coalition meeting. He kind of has to use the word "gay" a bunch of times. Tobey interrupts himself to ask Jack why "the sudden interest in our little coffee klatch." Jen gestures at Jack to answer. Jack: "Uhhh." Tobey tells him to stand. Ease up, Tobey; it isn't an AA meeting. Jack gets to his feet warily and mentions that he coached a pee-wee soccer team "over in Capeside." Tobey breaks in to finish the story for him: the parents fired Jack because of his sexuality, but took pains to "officially" fire him for some other reason, right? Jack, a little irritated, says he wouldn't put it quite like that. "But it's what happened, isn't it?" Tobey insists. Jen shoots Jack an "oh, come on" look as Tobey continues, "So, uh, what'd you do?" The guy sitting to Tobey, a Lance Bass look-alike, watches the back-and-forth with one finger on his chin like he's at Wimbledon or something, which made me laugh. Jack says that he did the only thing he could -- he left. Tobey, incensed, gets to his feet and bitches at Jack for not protesting or fighting: "That's not exactly a giant step forward for gay rights!" Jack snorts that he "wasn't thinking about gay rights at the time, [he] was thinking about the kids!" Tobey walks right up to Jack and scoffs, "Right, of course," and trots out a tired line about making society better by confronting prejudice "head-on." Tobey dismissively tells Jack that he can "sit down now" and walks past him to a nearby couch; as Jack gives Jen an angry "okay, THE hell?" look, Tobey says snidely that, as people who read "more than just the sports pages" may have heard, "two of our favorite lesbians, Anna and Sarah [shout-out? Oh, right. I'm not gay. Sorry]," got kicked out of a bowling alley in a neighboring town for kissing, and the owners claim that they have a no-PDA policy, gay or straight, but the coalition plans to put that policy to the test. "God forbid future generations of gay teenagers are denied the right to bowl," Jack mutters to Jen. Snick. Jen urges him to keep an open mind. Tobey busts on them for talking, asking if they have something they'd like to share, like, shut up, Tobey. Jen smiles, "Yeah, no, we were just wondering what time, for bowling." Jack leans forward to give Jen a "what are you doing?" glare.
Overly abrupt cut to the PB&B, where Joey's reading is interrupted by the sound of banging coming from the kitchen. She slams down her book and stomps into the kitchen, demanding to know what's going on. Pacey has Alexander on his lap; Alexander is rocking it Keith Moon-style with a pair of wooden spoons and a cookie sheet. Aww. Pacey explains that "we're just doing a little reorganizing." "What happened to reading him to sleep?" Joey snaps. Okay, Joey? Your boyfriend is taking care of your two-year-old nephew without complaint or compensation, so put on a Walkman and SUCK IT UP. Pacey explains that he thought he'd let Alexander tire himself out -- and that's actually a smart strategy, if memory serves -- but Joey picks up Alexander in a huff, snarking that she should have known better, Pacey always does this, Alexander is "all riled up" and he'll never get to sleep and she'll never get a chance to study, blah diddly blah. Pacey tries to reassure her that he's got it under control, but she grabs him by the arm and grunts, "Out." Pacey protests. Joey starts putting his outerwear on for him. Pacey protests some more that she can't kick him out, she needs him there; Joey says she doesn't, and whips his scarf around his neck. More arguing from Pacey. Joey sniffs that she appreciates his good intentions, but she can handle this "way better" on her own. Pacey wants to know who's going to look after the baby. By way of answer, Joey whips open the door and waits for him to go through it, and when he does, she closes the door in his still-objecting face. Yeah -- Pacey? When your issues-laden girlfriend can't even accept free babysitting gracefully, it's time to walk away. Give Tudes Shor her walking papers and find a woman who's not a complete bitch. Alone at last, Joey informs Alexander that it's bedtime; Alexander, smiling around his pacifier, shakes his head "no." Aww. That's one cute two-year-old. Joey mutters something about doing it the easy way or the hard way, and then there's a knock at the door; Joey stomps over to it, still griping at Pacey through clenched teeth, but when she whips the door open again, it's a family of four, come to stay the night at the PB&B. Joey grudgingly makes nice and lets them in.
Witterschloss. Gretchen rambles into the kitchen first thing in the morning and asks why Pacey's there; she thought he'd stayed the night at Joey's. Pacey confesses that Joey kicked him out, which leads him to the question of why on earth Gretchen kissed Dawson at the Leerys' holiday party. "Oh -- you saw that, huh?" Gretchen says, not sounding too concerned, and she pads over to the counter to get herself coffee as Pacey says that "hell yeah" he saw it, and so did "someone else [he knows]," and the image is now burned into his brain (we feel you, Pacey), so maybe Gretchen could explain why she "had to kiss Dawson and not someone else [her] own advanced age." Bwa! Nice one, Pacey. Also, word. Gretchen wonders if they have to talk about it before she has her coffee. Pacey splutters that they do. Gretchen rolls her eyes, attributes the kiss to "pure mistletoe," and says that it meant nothing and she and Dawson both know that and fishcakes. "There's no such thing as just a kiss, especially not in Capeside!" Pacey grumps. Gretchen rolls her eyes again and asks if they never played Spin The Bottle, and Pacey responds that "that quaint little eighties tradition" has gone "the way of the dodo."
Hold it, hold it, hold it -- "eighties tradition"? If Gretchen went to high school in the eighties, that makes her at least my age, probably older, because I graduated in 1990 and I'm twenty-seven. But the writers have led us to believe that Gretchen's a sophomore or a junior at most, so she would have graduated high school in -- what, 1998? 1999? I mean, yes, Sasha Alexander is a little long in the tooth to play a college sophomore, but if you want to make her nineteen, get out a scratch pad, do the math, and make her nineteen. Her character cannot have played Spin The Bottle in the eighties when all reasonable timelines place her year of birth in 1980. Jesus.
ANYway. Gretchen wants to know why Pacey cares who Dawson kisses. Pacey doesn't, but "someone that [he knows]" does. Gretchen tells him to go talk to Joey, then, and get off her case. Pacey says he already tried that. "And?" Joey claims she hasn't had time to "run her mind over it yet." Gretchen makes a sympathetic moue and says, "Oh. Big lie." Pacey sighs that that leaves him with two options -- "take the high road" and pretend that he believes Joey, or "take the low road, force the issue," and wind up looking like "a world-class jerk." I've got to go with "world-class jerk," since that's how Joey's acting, but that's just me. Gretchen disagrees, though, because when Pacey asks what he should do, Gretchen tells him, "I think you should just be the best boyfriend you can be. I think you should be understanding, and sweet, and kind." Yeah, good plan, Gran Landers. It's really worked for him so far. Not. Pacey asks what happens if that doesn't work. Gretchen shrugs, "Force the issue. Be a world-class jerk," and says dryly that she knows he can do it before hobbling off with her coffee.
Hey, they're playing Spin The Bottle in the JoyCam commercial. Coincidence?
Classroom, the day. Joey crams before the test. Dawson takes a seat to her, gives her a quizzical glance, and asks if she's ready. She lies brightly, "Sure, yeah, why wouldn't I be?" Banter about her use of Cliff's Notes. Dawson smiles at her patronizingly, then asks, "You would tell me, right? If something were wrong?" "Yeah," she nods, smiling uncomfortably. Mr. Kasdan -- hey, I've just now realized that he's probably named after Lawrence Kasdan, director of such fine films as The Big Chill, The Empire Strikes Back, and Return Of The Jedi. Wow, it's…sort of…almost…subtle. Aw, writers. You shouldn't have. So Mr. Kasdan comes in with the tests and hands them around, announcing that, "for a change of pace," the test has a short-answer section as well as essays, which as we all know spells death for any bullshitter hoping to get away without having read all the material. Joey leafs through the test and looks scared. Dawson watches her, worried.
Elsewhere at Capeside High, Jack says that he doesn't want to go to the coalition's bowling night. Jen, wearing another ill-advised kerchief/schmatte/crocheted-headband doodad, says that it's not that big a deal and "it'll be so much fun." Jack objects to the characterization of bowling as "fun," and stomps off. What has he got against bowling? Jen follows him to his locker, trying to sell the outing (so to speak) some more by telling him that they don't have to bowl, they can "just go, and hang out, and make some new friends." Jack's like, "Like Tobey? Pass-adena." Jen thinks Tobey is "sweet." Jack scoffs that she would think that, since Tobey "loves" her. Jen corrects him: Tobey doesn't love her, he just admires her "more diva-like qualities." Hee! Jen thinks that Jack is the one Tobey really likes, underneath all of the militant "posturing," which, she adds, "is sexy." Well…okay, I guess that's a matter of opinion. Jack complains that Tobey "is a fascist dictator," and that he (Jack) doesn't need to meet new people, and even if he did, the coalition thing is "a totally unnatural way to do it," and "it's like, 'hi, I'm gay,' and that's all I am -- how weird is that?" Jen humors him, nodding and saying that he's right and she understands. Jack delivers a rant-slash-PSA on the fact that just because you share a sexual orientation with someone doesn't mean you have anything else in common. Jen nods some more. Jack catches his snap and asks why she keeps agreeing with him. She sweetly says that she's going without him, and walks off. Jack smiles all "nice try with the reverse psychology, girlfriend."
Mount Crusty Lodge. Prattling about love triangles, Mr. Brooks bitching at Dawson not to point the camera so close to his face, outdated thinking, "good enough for Howard Hawks, good enough for you," The Matrix, The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance (shout-out?), love triangles again, "for every piece of happiness, there's also a piece of unhappiness," you have to tell both sides for the whole story, cakes of long-winded fish. Mr. Brooks getting a nettle in his blanket and stomping off. Dawson telling him that he can't just quit when he gets to the good stuff. "No star, no picture," Mr. Brooks tells him -- or maybe he really said, "No Jean, no money!" -- but Dawson persists, saying that Mr. Brooks told him to ask "fundamental questions" about truth, honor, and friendship; now he's asking, and Mr. Brooks has "nothing to say." Dawson wants to know, "Who's this girl who made you give up filmmaking?" More back-and-forth. Eventually, Mr. Brooks gives in and agrees to "dredge up some painful memories for" Dawson that night after dinner.
PB&B kitchen. Joey puts away groceries and waxes neurotic about how badly she messed up the test; Alexander, seated on the floor, ignores her. Wise move, Al. Alexander chews his finger as Joey slumps down on the floor beside him and advises him to "stay off the road to overachievement." Enter Pacey, carrying a bag of groceries. Joey hoists herself up from the floor, and Pacey gives her big smile and gestures with the grocery bag: "Hey -- went shoppin'." She sets her jaw in irritation: "Me too." Would it kill Joey to force out a simple "thank you," no matter how insincere? She's higher maintenance than a Jaguar, for god's sake. Pacey -- now and forever, a bigger man than I -- doesn't take the bait, saying mildly that you can never have too many groceries, especially if more unexpected guests show up "like they did last night." Joey, not even facing him, snips that in that case she'll "take care of it like [she] did last night." Yeah, it's tough to look after a child with a crown of thorns digging into your forehead. Pacey picks Alexander up and bobbles him. Joey turns around, glares at Pacey with her lip curled, and asks, "Is this some sort of intervention or something?" Again, Pacey just absorbs the blow, saying he thought he'd cook some dinner and build Lego castles with Alexander, and that way Joey could study. Joey curls her lip even further and snaps that she doesn't need to study tonight, she needed to study last night when she kicked him out: "Do you remember that? Is it all coming back to you now?" It's at this point that Pacey should have smiled politely, handed Joey the baby, and headed for the hills until the bug and Joey's ass parted ways, but instead he comments sarcastically under his breath that the test must have gone well. Joey, tears creeping into her throat, says that it doesn't matter how she did "on that stupid test" -- it's over, and she can't retake it. Pacey asks skeptically if it's the test she's upset about, then. Joey half-sneers, half-cries that she's sorry she can't just let things "roll off [her] shoulders [sic]," that she can't just "buck up" (shout-out?) and be in a good mood, but she's tired -- tired of worrying about Alexander, and of waiting on people, and of doing everything herself. She puts a hand over her eyes and tries not to weep openly.
Pacey walks over to her, Alexander in his arms, and points out patiently that Joey doesn't have to do everything herself; that's why he's there, to help her. He starts to pull her towards him, but Joey just stands there, massaging her temples and neither resisting nor letting him hug her. Pacey lets his hands drop away from her and says grimly that he can't help her if she won't tell him the truth. "This is the truth," Joey sighs. No, it's not, Pacey says -- it's what happened between Dawson and Gretchen that's got her upset. Joey makes an "uch" sound, turns away from Pacey, makes an eloquently terrified "busted" face, and protests in a tone that tries for "dismissive" but wanders pretty quickly into "weepy" that she's not upset about Dawson and Gretchen. Fine, Pacey says, maybe not, "but you're certainly upset about Dawson and you." Close-up on Joey, her lip trembling, the wheels turning as she tries to think of a credible denial. Pacey has clearly nailed her to the wall, but she tries anyway, with a game but quavery "that is not true!" Pacey gently repeats, "That's not true." Joey, thisclose to tears and entirely too quickly: "No!" Pacey wants to hear the truth, then, because he knows it's not him; he hasn't messed anything up in at least a few days. Joey rounds on him: "You know what, you haven't. You never do! You -- are -- the perfect boyfriend, you win the perfect-boyfriend contest, you beat Dawson -- is that what you want to hear, Pacey?" Pacey takes his whipping with a smile of wry resignation. Joey pushes past him, picks up Alexander, and does the martyr stomp out of the room. Pacey surveys the groceries on the counter and sighs. Sick though I've long since gotten of Joey's come-here-go-away routine and Pacey's corresponding doormat imitation, Katie Holmes and Josh Jackson both kicked the acting up a notch for that scene.
Back from commercials the PB&B, where Pacey broods in front of the fire. Joey storms into the room, responding to Pacey's "is he asleep?" with an icy "yep." Pacey offers warily that he did the dishes. Joey, barely hearing him: "Thanks." Pacey stares at her for a minute, then tells her he didn't come over there to fight about Dawson. Joey snots, "Yes you did." Pacey admits that yes, he did, but only because he doesn't want it to turn into one of those things they "never talk about." Oh, please. These two talk about everything, over and over, forever and ever without end amen -- in fact, that's all they do. Joey glares at him: "Like what, Pacey?" Like the future. Joey sulks that they talk about the future, but Pacey corrects her that they talk "around" the future. Joey makes a derisive "uch" sound. Pacey stares at her levelly. At last, Joey bursts out that she doesn't know why the Dawson and Gretchen "thing" should bother her. Pacey, relieved: "But it does bother you." No response from Joey. It's okay if it bothers her, he says, but he wants her to tell him that, not shut him out. After a moment, Joey says in a less bitchy tone that she does think about the future. Pacey, not meeting her eye, asks what she sees when she thinks about the future. "Us," she says firmly. "You and me, Pace -- we grew up together." Pacey looks up; the beginning of a smile plays around the corners of his mouth as Joey goes on to say that she and Dawson didn't grow up, that they've stayed in "that bedroom, in that house" and had the same argument over and over, and it's "an endless cycle" that she can't stop, "because whenever [she's] around him, [she's] fifteen again." Well, Pacey sighs, if that's the problem, then she has to talk to Dawson, adding that it isn't easy for him to say that to her, and when she's done talking to Dawson, she should call him. He stands up, kisses her on the forehead, and leaves.
At the bowling alley, Jen and Tobey get their shoes. Tobey doesn't understand how Jen and "Mr. Quarterback" became such good friends. Jen, her arm tucked through Tobey's, describes herself and Jack as "both terminally unlucky in love." There's a bit of knowing-nothing-about-football repartee as they tug on their shoes, and then Tobey spots Jack entering the bowling alley and kvetches, "Ah, there he is, Captain America. I thought you said he wasn't coming." Jen admits that she "kind of blackmailed" Jack into it while waving Jack over, and when Jack reaches them, she enthuses, "Hey, you changed your mind!" Jack takes the words out of my mouth: "Hey, fake surprise, it looks good on you." Hee! Jen just laughs before saying, "Tobey, you remember Jack?" Tobey, sort of making nice: "Yeah, how could I forget? Nice jacket." Jack looks down at his varsity letter jacket, flicks an invisible speck of lint off the lapel, and thanks Tobey before taking it off; Tobey mutters to Jen, "He's kidding, right?" and asks if the jacket is "like, ironic," or if Jack got it at a thrift store or something. I would tell Fred Astaireotype to give it a rest with the jock-ism, but then I remember the hundreds of times I've referred to football players as "meatballs" in these recaps, so I'll confine myself to a simple "shut up, Tobey." Jen says no, it's really Jack's jacket. Jack asks rather snittily if there's a problem, and Jen says "no, uh-uh" about a dozen times before announcing that she thinks it's time to bowl and handing Tobey a pink ball. Tobey steps up. Jen says to Jack, "He is sweet, huh?" No. No, he's annoying. Jack agrees with me, snorting that he has to "get some shoes."
Mount Crusty Lodge. Mr. Brooks starts to tell the story of how he met His Own Personal Joey -- he hitchhiked out to the west coast along Route 66 (um, whatever -- didn't he say he took a train the first time we heard this story?) and maybe Dawson's heard of it or watched the TV show blah blah blah, and during the story Mr. Brooks gets a little confused as to who directed The Grapes Of Wrath, and Foreshadowing wanders in from the kitchen slurping my last Diet Coke and says, "Mr. Brooks is getting on in years, eh what?" "Yeah. Yeah, you can tell from the white hair and the constant references to crotchetiness, but thanks for the bulletin." "No problem. You know, he could die soon, since he's old and whatnot." "Yeah, thanks, dude. Hey, did you take the last Diet Coke?" "No! Um. Yes." "Bitch!" "What?" "Who gave you a key, anyway?" "The writers." "Pffft. Figures." Anyway, Dawson asks if Mr. Brooks feels all right and offers to get him some ice water, and Mr. Brooks says that sounds great, but with a splash of bourbon, hold the water, hold the ice. Snerk. Amen to that. Dawson says that he's "not sure that's such a good idea." Mr. Brooks crusts that if it's too much trouble for Dawson, he'll get his own drink, but Dawson motions him back into his chair and says he'll get it. Hell, I'll get it. Dawson sloshes a couple of fingers of bourbon into a highball and goes back into the living room to find Mr. Brooks sawing logs in his chair. He grabs an afghan and covers Mr. Brooks while The Piano Of The Beloved Curmudgeon plays, then turns out the lights and takes his leave.
At the bowling alley, Jen asks Jack if he's "embarrassed to be here." "On Gay Bowling Night?" he snaps. "Yeah, I'm embarrassed!" But not about the gay part, he adds -- about the bowling part. Jen says that she knows the bowling-night thing is "kind of wack" -- yes, sadly, she really did use the word "wack" -- but that it's important for people to stand up for what they believe in. Jack hefts a bowling ball, comments snidely that Jen's starting to sound like "[her] new friend Tobey," and takes his turn. Tobey comes up behind Jen and asks how Captain America is doing, and we see Jack's ball (heh) knock over nine out of ten pins; Tobey snarks that "he's even good at bowling." Jack comes back to sit down, and Jen goes to get A Soft Drink Of Great Contrivance, leaving Jack and Tobey to steep in the awkwardness. Jack finally breaks down and asks what's up with Tobey calling him Captain America; Tobey explains that it's a "superhero -- Marvel Comic [sic]," and assures Jack that "it's a compliment." ["Uh, Tobey? We already have one gay comic-book aficionado, so get another affectation. I suggest you try out being a goth." -- Wing Chun] Picking up his pink ball, Tobey adds blandly that Captain America isn't "even gay or anything." Ouch. Kind of a cheap shot on Tobey's part, but I'll give it to him: Tobey 1, Jack 0. Jack takes the bait, asking snappishly if that's what the comments "are about," that he's not "gay enough for" Tobey and doesn't fit into "some pre-existing stereotype" in Tobey's head. Word, brother. Tobey 1, Jack 1. Tobey gets up in Jack's face and suggests that maybe "all this is getting a little too gay for" Jack, and Tobey regains the lead at 2 to 1. Jack responds laughingly that yes, it is a little too gay for him -- he doesn't understand the point of the group or of "the way you guys act," and he busts on Tobey for his "holier-than-thou attitude."
It's all tied up at two as Tobey gripes that Jack wouldn't understand from his position at "the fun and popular table with all the other football players and cheerleaders," and points out that people like Jack, who fit in, beat up the guys who don't, like Tobey. I'll grudgingly award a point to Tobey even though he should know better than to get all judgy: Tobey 3, Jack 2. But Tobey isn't done, and sneers that Jack's "probably never had a rough day in [his] entire life." Jack takes understandable offense at that and says Tobey doesn't know him well enough to say what his life is like or "what it's cost [him] to get where [he is]." Three points even. Tobey tries again to take the moral high ground, sniffing, "Which is where, exactly?" Jack pretends to think it over, then sends one rifling into the backcourt: "Anywhere but here." Final score: Jack 4, Tobey 3. Jack walks off. Tobey glares after him. Shut up, Tobey.
Sidebar time, girls and boys. I'm not gay, so I don't want to choose up sides here because I don't know what it's like. But. While I understand Jack's impulse not to let his sexuality define him, I think he's in denial about certain parts of the gay experience and it's not doing him any favors. And while I see Tobey's point about football players tending to beat on "fags," the football players who beat on "fags" beat on everyone, and he needs to lose a little of the I-am-gay-hear-me-roar attitude. Again, though, I'm not gay. I can only compare it to feminism and my own experiences with it as a woman, and how I find women who append "as a woman" to every sentence kind of annoying and misguided, but I also find it annoying and misguided when women go, "Oh, I'm not a feminist," all horrified because they think that means they don't shave their legs or something. Whatever -- all this by way of saying that Tobey and Jack both need to get over themselves. Or get a leg over each other. I ain't picky.
Moving on, then, to the Sanctum, where Joey broodily sits in the windowsill, waiting for Dawson to come home. When he does, he seems happily surprised to see her, and they share small talk about how she brought back the Counting Crows CDs; they belong to her, but she thought they could just pass them back and forth whenever one of them had something they needed to discuss. Oh, fine: heh. Dawson asks what's up. Joey admits that she lied earlier that day, that she's not okay, and she starts babbling about blowing the test and the uproar at the PB&B with Bessie and Bodie both gone and blah bling blah, and Dawson makes an "ohhh-kay, Talky Balboa" face and then starts laughing sympathetically, and Joey tells him not to laugh: "This is tragic." Dawson snorts, "You're gonna die if you get a B on a test?" "Basically," Joey mutters. Dawson takes off his coat and asks how she got into this in the first place -- didn't Pacey help her? Joey confesses that she "kinda wouldn't let him." Dawson says that she should have let Pacey help her, and that Pacey's great with kids, "mostly 'cause he still is one," but he says it nicely. Ohhh, no. No no no. Don't do this to me, writers. Don't make Dawson all bearable and not so bad and shit, because you'll just turn him back into a butthole after the new year, so don't jerk my chain. Dawson adds quickly that he "meant that in a good way," fishes a wrapped package out from behind his bed, and hands it to Joey, telling her to open it.
Joey cringes, embarrassed that she doesn't have her gift for him yet, but he tells her to open hers anyway. She self-consciously peels off the wrapping to find a framed black-and-white photo of herself and Pacey nuzzling to the Christmas tree; Dawson obviously took the picture the evening. Joey stares at it for a while, and we can almost hear her eyes filling. Dawson watches her for her reaction, and he doesn't look smug, and his nostrils stay totally motionless. At last, Joey gasps that it's "beautiful." "Yeah, I'm getting better, aren't I," Dawson says mildly. Not a hint of self-satisfaction, folks. For real. I think I might have to lie down. Joey says that's not what she meant, and Dawson interrupts, "I know what you meant." She smiles at him, the kind of smile that holds tears back; he looks back at her gently. Joey hugs the photo, recovers a bit, and leads the witness with a big smile: "The party was fun." "Yeah -- had its moments," Dawson murmurs, obviously thinking about Gretchen himself. "Like you and Gretchen," Joey says, hoping he'll spill the beans, but Dawson just half-groans and says that that wasn't a moment, "that was a holiday tradition." Joey asks what's up with that. Dawson stonewalls that "we're friends -- what else would we be?" Joey keeps picking -- what did the kiss mean, whether Dawson's interested in Gretchen -- and Dawson basically says, ruefully, that "even if I were, she's not interested in me," so he won't ruin the friendship over it. Joey says that it doesn't have to work that way, that she and Dawson have become friends "after all that's happened." Dawson looks at her intently. Joey goes on, suddenly tearful again, "If we weren't, you wouldn't have…[long, Claire-Danes-as-Angela-Chase-channeling pause]…you wouldn't have given me this." She looks up at him, her eyes bright with tears. I don't think much of Katie Holmes's acting one way or the other usually, but I mean to tell you that she owned that line; she really, really reminded me of Angela Chase and the line she has about someone saying something really small and it fitting into an empty place in your heart. Katie, if you read this, put that scene on your Emmy reel. Dawson smiles a little as Joey adds damply that, if they weren't friends, she wouldn't be sitting there, telling him to do whatever his heart tells him to do. A tear rolls down her nose. "Truth is, Gretchen would be really lucky to have someone like you," Joey finishes quietly. Dawson thinks that over, then smiles, but not in his usual obnoxious keep-that-well-deserved-praise-coming way. Joey clambers off the bed and kisses Dawson on the forehead and thanks him. He looks momentarily taken aback, then relaxes. Okay, I actually got a little misty during that scene -- what in THE HELL is going on at DC writers' HQ? The writing in this episode, it's -- it's -- it's not bad! It's sort of good! Okay, some of it is retarded, but some of it is sort of sweet! And the acting isn't bad either! AND IT'S MESSING WITH MY HEAD!
After another onslaught of Gilmore Girls promos, we're back, this time in Mr. Kasdan's classroom. Pacey saunters in. We're treated to a bit of "Bartleby The Scrivener" humor, which I choose to view as a shout-out to our very own Pooh, before Pacey launches into a hypothetical about "this person" who screwed up on the AP English test the day. Mr. Kasdan interrupts him to deliver yet another shout-out regarding "the corruption of the English language." Dear writers: YEAH you did! Anyway, Pacey makes Joey's case, saying that she's usually a "phenomenal" student, but she's under a lot of stress, and she needs to retake the test. Kasdan says no. Pacey pleads some more. Kasdan guesses, without guessing in so many words, that Pacey is talking about Joey, but says regretfully that if he bends the rules for one person, he has to do it for everyone. Pacey says he had to give it a shot. Kasdan says he did so, "admirably."
At the waterfront, Jack goes to unlock his bike and finds Tobey posting flyers at a kiosk. Tobey greets him amiably, shows him the flyers, and cracks, "You know the gays -- we're, uh, always recruiting." HA! Jack reads over the flyer silently. Tobey says kindly that Jack is "officially kicked out of" the group. "I'm crushed," Jack says. "Yeah, I can tell," Tobey snides. Jack attends to his bike lock while saying that something about him "obviously intimidates" Tobey (whatever), but it's not his fault, and he shouldn't let Tobey boss him, any more than he should have let "those damn soccer parents" boss him. "Finally, something we agree on," Tobey says, but Jack doesn't answer, just starts to get on his bike. Tobey adds hastily that Jack's right -- he doesn't know Jack, he doesn't understand Jack's life, and if he jumps to conclusions about Jack "based on appearances," it's because "that's the way [he's] been treated [his] entire life." Oh, so that makes it okay? Nice try, ACT-UPpity, but that seems like all the more reason not to judge another person, particularly another person that you've deemed "not gay enough" when society has punished your own gayness. In short, what. Ever. Tobey. Tobey tells a sob story about other kids taunting him growing up, and about how his older sister had to face them down for him, and how "that's when you really know you're gay, when your sister has to fight your battles for you. But you don't know what that's like, do you?" Girl, please. I pushed around a few kids who fucked with my brother in my time. Why? Because he's five years younger than me, and that's what older sisters do. "When you really know you're gay" is when you realize that you Like Boys That Way. I mean, I feel bad for the guy if the other kids thumped him and called him a sissy, but it's in the past, it's not Jack's fault, and present-day Tobey could take Jack in a fair fight anyway. Everybody got picked on for some damn thing, Tobey. Get therapy, and shut up. Jack says more or less the same thing, grunting that no, he doesn't know what that's like, "but it doesn't make [him] any less straight." Word. He gets on his bike and rides off, and Tobey watches him go, bemused.
Joey's in the library, highlighting her transcendentalist reading. "A more prudent approach," Kasdan observes, "would be to have read the book before the test." "I blew it, didn't I?" she asks, wincing. "C-minus," Kasdan says gently, taking a seat. "Certainly not your finest hour," but he thinks she already knew that, given the visit Pacey paid him that morning. Joey, confused: "Pacey?" "He asked me to give you a second chance. I said no, of course," Kasdan says. Joey's smile fades; then Kasdan tells her that another student "was at the orthodontist again" -- oh, how high school -- so Kasdan will give a make-up test tomorrow and Joey can retake it then. Joey is thrilled. Kasdan warns that he'll have to penalize her half a letter grade, then takes the highlighter from her and points out a passage, and Joey reads it aloud. It regards Thoreau borrowing an axe from a neighbor to chop wood by the pond. Kasdan tells her that the most important word in the passage is "borrowed" -- i.e., that it seemed like Thoreau lived out in the woods all alone, but he had neighbors and friends to help him, "people he could rely on," in spite of his doctrine of self-reliance. "We should all be so lucky," Kasdan sighs. The Paceyites on our forums sigh along with him. (Hi, guys.) Kasdan leaves. Joey mulls.
Mount Crusty Lodge. Dawson lets himself in; Mr. Brooks's nurse chews him out for tiring Mr. Brooks, and for influencing Mr. Brooks not to take his medication because he wants to remember things better for the documentary, and blah blah blah. Dawson looks worried. Mr. Brooks appears and shoos the nurse away, and Dawson acts all weird, and Mr. Brooks reassures him that he's "not dead yet," just "waiting for a clearance," and Dawson starts to collect his equipment and leave, but Mr. Brooks asks where he's going. Dawson refers to what the nurse said, but Mr. Brooks waves it off, saying that he won't "be around forever" and he wants to leave something behind, since the people at A&E's Biography won't get to him "any time soon." Heh. Dawson agrees to stay. Mr. Brooks tells the His Own Personal Joey story: he met Ellie Andrews in a diner in Vegas, where she waitressed. Ellie dropped some philosophical science on him about why people come to the desert to gamble when they never risk anything in their real lives, blah blah blah fishcakes. When a ride to the coast presented itself, Ellie hopped over the counter and came with Mr. Brooks, "all the way to Sunset and Vine." See, she gambled. On him. And he on her. Geddit? Sure? Okay. The camera closes in on Mr. Brooks as he sighs, "God, I miss her." His eyes get moist as he tells Dawson that he would have liked Ellie, and repeats again that he misses her. Dawson looks grave.
PB&B. Pacey wanders in: "You rang?" Joey says she thought she'd call her boyfriend because she "needed a little help with something." Pacey asks where's Alexander, and when Joey says he's watching a video in Bessie's room, Pacey gets suspicious, but Joey just wanted to thank him for getting Kasdan to let her retake the test. Pacey's pleasantly surprised that his magic worked and asks how she did on the retest, and Joey tells him that she'll take it tomorrow after school, and then she gets all smoochy, but he stops her, and starts to ask what went down with Dawson. Joey reassures him that she did what he asked, and "all ghosts [are] locked firmly away." Pacey grins in relief at this news; Joey adds, "Except the Ghost of Christmas Future, and there's really no reason…" Schmooping. Reason for…what? That they shouldn't make out instead of study? I don't get it. Pacey says that there's something else they "probably should be doing."
Fade to Joey playing with Alexander in front of the fire while Pacey quizzes her on transcendental fun facts.
Cut to the sidewalk in front of the IHOF, where Gretchen comes running out and hails Dawson: "Just in time -- you didn't miss anything yet. They got a good one this year, don't you think?" I guess they're headed for a tree-lighting. Dawson says absently that yeah, he guesses, and then admits that he didn't come for the ceremony; he came to talk to her. After a bit more blather, Dawson asks awkwardly, "Um -- do you like to gamble?" Oh, brother. Gretchen asks if he means bingo or the more "serious stuff," and Dawson shrugs, "Uh, anything," and says that he doesn't like to gamble and never has, and never understood why anyone did "until today." Gretchen tries to head him off, but Dawson, looking utterly terrified, chokes out, "I like you." Gretchen smiles and ducks her head as Dawson goes on, "There, I said it. I like you, and…[paralysis, followed by nervous licking of lips]…and that kiss meant more to me than just 'happy holidays.' And everything I said the other day was a lie. Well, not a lie because I, I think I meant it at the time but I was basically just trying to fool myself, because -- I didn't want to screw up our friendship." As Dawson blunders through his speech -- hilariously, I might add, and I actually felt a twinge of empathy for the guy -- Gretchen regards him gently. Dawson prattles on, "And I was gonna let that fear stop me, but I, I don't want to, and I'm not going to, because I don't want to learn that lesson, at seventeen, or at any time, for that matter, and you can tell me that you're too old, and you can tell me that I'm too young, and you can tell me that I'm not over Joey, but nothing you can say is gonna change the fact -- that I said it." Gretchen bites her lip to keep from laughing -- not because he's foolish, although he's kind of making a fool of himself, but because in its own pathetic way, Dawson's gale of verbiage is…oh god, forgive me for this…not entirely uncharming. I know, I KNOW, but hear me out. It's sincere, it's not manipulative for once, it's closer to anything an actual person would actually say than the writers have gotten in years, and I know I give Van Der Beek shit all the time, but he really sold that confession.
Back to the dry-mouthed soul-baring already in progress: "And I'm glad that I said it, because you're worth risking everything for." Gretchen, touched, says softly, "What am I gonna do with you?" "Just tell me the truth," Dawson says, and no, I don't think he meant "tell me something good about myself" like he ordinarily does. I swear, I think a hole just opened up in the space-time continuum, because on top of his not acting like a complete dicksmack for an entire episode, and in fact acting very close to "appealing" in the last minute or so, Dawson actually doesn't look totally ugly right now. Yeah, yeah, I know, I know. But…really. He's not that bad. He's not cute or anything, but…oh, forget it, I'll just fire myself. "Sometimes, a kiss is just a kiss," Gretchen tells him, looking pained. "And sometimes, a kiss means --" Behind Gretchen, the tree lights up. She comes around to Dawson's side to see the tree. They both look up at the lights; then Dawson looks down, collects himself, and finishes for her with just a trace of -- get this! -- self-deprecation, "-- happy holidays." "Happy holidays," Gretchen repeats, her tone a mixture of fond and apologetic. They both turn to look at the tree again. Snow begins to fall, and the camera swings up and away. Wow. That didn't suck! The hell?