The Stalking Of Laurie Show
So it turns out that The Stalking of Laurie Show is not the equally eponymous spin-off from Angel (which is itself an equally eponymous spin-off) that I had thought it was when Sars first suggested I recap it. Nor is it in a similar vein to The Larry Sanders Show or even The It's Garry Shandling Show. Perhaps not surprisingly, it's actually all about a girl named Laurie Show. Who gets stalked. When I found out that it was a woman-in-distress movie of the week on the USA Network, I was a little worried, as I usually only handle the desert-based recaps here at MBTV. Plus, Sars has depressingly bad luck with movies. I mean, Final Destination? Rites of Passage? The House of Mirth? Truth be told, her streak of bad luck continues here, but only because she missed it. Believe it or not, this one actually has gay sex.
We open in The House Of Laurie Show, as The Hand Of Laurie Show reaches into the frame to grab The Luggage Of Laurie Show. Downstairs, The Doorbell Of Laurie Show is ringing, and The Actual Laurie Show answers it. Before she can get the door even halfway open, two black-clad intruders rush in. They chase her upstairs to The Bedroom Of Laurie Show. She goes for the phone, but they grab her and tie her up. We see that one of the assailants is wearing blood-red lipstick under her ski-mask, and then a giant knife fills the screen. We hear The Sobbing Of Laurie Show as we fade to black. The ninety-minutes thing goes for this scene too.
Fade up on an Amish guy, driving his horse-and-buggy down the highway. It's all very serene and pretty, but then the title appears written in blood-red lipstick (complete with gratuitous smearing on the "W"), which means that Serenity will clearly be taking the night off. The Amish Guy continues on down the road. I see Sally Jessy Raphael's credit, and I realize that Serenity is going to be out for a wild night on the town with Class. They'll probably get arrested and I'll have to bail them out again. A subtitle informs us that it's nine months earlier, and while that's meaningless now, it's actually pretty funny the second time you watch. I'm on my fifth viewing now, though, and it's beginning to lose its significant power to charm me.
Now The Amish Guy passes a construction zone. An old brown van pulls up behind him, and then swerves into the opposite lane to get by. We follow the van for a second, and then do a weird, strobing jump cut to construction workers building a residential development. A sign helpfully informs us that we're in Lancaster, Pennsylvania, which does in fact sport a sizeable Amish population. Weird, strobing jump cut back to the van, as it pulls into a mall parking lot. Michelle gets out and does a weird, strobing jump cut into a trendy clothing store. I have a weird, strobing headache. Michelle, by the way, is wearing a blue halter and a tight black miniskirt, upon which rests a large neon sign which reads (in part), "I am a trashy slut." You know, in case the outfit, the hair, the posture, and the cleavage don't make that clear. She picks out a dress, looks around, and sneakily stuffs it into her bag.
"But I don't have anything to wear!" cries Laurie Show, in the first of what will be a never-ending series of questionably clever cuts. She's searches frantically through a box of clothing. Hazel "Footloose And Fruity-Pebbles-Head Free" Show enters. (Incidentally, you should just go ahead and assume that any clever nicknames in this recap are tm Sars or Wing Chun. The bad ones are all me.) Laurie tells her, "I know, I should have unpacked weeks ago," as the writers check off "new in town" from their Things-To-Exposit-In-The-First-Fifteen-Minutes List. Being Dawson-free ain't all it's cracked up to be, though, as Laurie then proceeds to insult her mother's fashion sense. Hazel, used to far worse, doesn't even blink.
Weird, strobing jump cut back to the van. Michelle climbs back in and shows the dress to Butch. While Butch doesn't even try to hide his Australian accent, I will give him credit for sporting a regionally accurate mullet. They like 'em a little shaggier on the sides out there in Amish country. The van squeals out of the parking lot, almost hitting a random guy. Butch gives him the finger, and the writers pass by the already double-underlined "Michelle is a trashy slut" to check "Butch is a jerk" off the list.
The Doorbell Of Laurie Show again. Laurie has found a dress (and it's a fairly cute pink number), but she still doesn't want to go. Apparently, she agreed to help some girl videotape the Prom. Hazel thinks everyone there will love her. Laurie thinks not. "I'll have a video camera in front of my face the whole night." And actually, I know how she feels. I've been that guy way to many times. She walks outside and meets Samantha, who is the basic cable version of The Token Plain-Looking Best Friend Who Counsels The Hot Lead in pretty much every teen movie ever made. Samantha is making a documentary about "the nineties American teenager in all [their] rural hideousness." Perhaps not surprisingly, director Norma Bailey used to make documentaries about the eighties American teenager in all their rural hideousness.
Back in the van, Michelle is wearing the stolen dress and applying a fresh coat of blood-red lipstick. Hmm…then she swigs a bottle of whiskey and starts slobbering all over Butch. So why bother with the lipstick?
Cut to Laurie and Samantha the Surrogate in the car. Laurie thinks the vast countryside is beautiful, and wants to do a painting. Samantha just thinks it's mind-numbing. Since you pass through here on the turnpike going from Pittsburgh to New York, I can confirm that it is. It helps if you have a fun game to play in the car. The Brown Butchmobile pulls up behind them. There's some honking and screaming, and then the Butchmobile swerves around them, narrowly missing The Amish Guy, who could have ridden that horse-and-buggy from Pittsburgh to New York and back by now. Samantha and Laurie are freaked by the near miss. Incidentally, Pittsburgh is a great city, and there's any number of reasonable explanations as to why someone (even a group of Hot Dancing Gay Boys) might choose to live there, but I won't enumerate them here. Go Pens!
Documentary Nerd-Cam. We're at the dance, and various students are waving to the camera. We pan across to "Probably Gay" Tabby. Why probably gay? Short hair and black clothes. She doesn't have a neon sign, but with that haircut she doesn't really need one. Also, why no last name? It's not even in the credits. Tabby "Not McFarland" doesn't want to talk to the camera. Cut to Samantha interviewing Michelle, who's the "odds-on favorite for Prom Queen." Vegas puts her at three-to-one, by the way. Surrogate Sam asks about the dress. "I made it," answers Michelle, with an air of bitchiness that suggests she's channeling a high-school version of Amanda Woodward from Melrose Place. "My grandmother was a well-known seamstress to the White House." Whatever you say, Miss Heather Turn Back The Clocklear.
Vegas, baby! They're never wrong. Michelle Lambert and Butch Yunkin are named King & Queen of the Prom. I win a cool three grand. Oh, and -- "Yunkin"? Then again, the actor playing him is named Rel Hunt. "Rel"? Michelle gives a breathless acceptance speech, in which she promises they will "try to be worthy of this amazing honor." Tabby "Still Not Gay Yet" watches with love in her eyes. Cut to Butch and Michelle, dancing and whispering. They walk over to Laurie, who's taping their every move. Butch tells her Michelle said he can dance with whomever he wants, so "it's [her] lucky night." A crowd of girls oohs and ahhs at her good fortune. Why? It's not like she just won three grand or anything. Must be his mullet. Laurie dances with him, and USA Network alum Jennifer Finnegan (La Femme Nikita) does an excellent awkward teen as they engage in stilted chat. Sample Butch witticism: "So you're new, huh? What's up with that?" Off to one side, Michelle explains that she has to "keep feeding [Butch] treats to keep him interested."
After Prom. Samantha tells Laurie that everyone is going to the pool. Who goes to a pool after Prom? Isn't that what cheap hotels are for? On my fourth viewing, I notice two janitors in the background dragging out a drunken student. Heh. At the pool, girls are leaping in, still in their dresses. Michelle, however, has changed into a revealing bikini. Documentary Nerd-Cam shot of her standing on the diving board and pandering to the male audience by adjusting her top for a full two minutes. For the record, we're grateful. So is Laurie, who gushes that Michelle is "totally awesome." Surrogate Samantha exposits that Michelle was a fat nobody in ninth grade, but transformed herself into Butch's "dream-babe" by losing weight, dying her hair, and getting contacts. Michelle executes a perfect swan dive into the pool.
Butch swims over and dares Laurie to jump in just in her underwear. She simpers. Butch and Surrogate Sam bicker until Michelle arrives and offers up an extra bathing suit she has in the van. Michelle is played by Marnette Patterson, late of UPN's Movie Stars, which has the distinction of being the only sitcom I've ever watched on a plane. I'm normally afraid of heights, but I've never wanted to try sky-diving so much in my life. Marnette herself, on the other hand, kicks ass. More on that later. Laurie blows off Surrogate Sam to go swimming.
Diving board. Synthesizer of Sapphic Subtext. Michelle delivers a slow, breathy monologue on the importance of swimming to muscle tone. Laurie has changed into an even skimpier bikini, which Michelle proceeds to adjust for her. Either God or the Kwisatz Haderach has apparently heard my prayers, because I've gone from old guys in the desert to young girls in bikinis. Michelle gives her diving tips, including this sage advice: "Slice [the water] clean, like a knife." Hmm…Laurie does the worst belly-flop I've ever seen, and Surrogate Sam zooms in on Michelle's face as she smirks.
At the Sanctum Non-Dawsonorum, Hazel is passed out on the sofa. Will we ever get a commercial? Laurie bounces in and wakes her up to tell all about her great night. "The Prom Queen wants to be my friend," Laurie crows. Michelle even invited her over to hang the day.
Questionably clever cut to the day. Laurie and Michelle pull up to Michelle's house. Michelle runs inside to get her laundry (huh?), but Laurie has to wait outside, because Michelle's mom is "too sick." As Laurie waits, a car pulls into the driveway, and a perfectly stereotypical Midwestern Dad hops out. Michelle snots at him that dinner's in the fridge and walks off. Before she leaves, the sickly mom comes out and asks her to take her two little sisters along. The kids pile happily into the backseat.
The Backyard Of Laurie Show. Laurie Van Gogh teaches the kids to paint as Hazel and Michelle fold laundry. Michelle thanks Hazel for letting her do her wash, because she just had to get out of the house. I don't understand the whole laundry thing either, but it's irrelevant, so who cares? She clears off the remaining items on the exposition list by describing her bad home life. Blah sick mom, bling mean dad, blah two-little-kids-cakes. Laurie tells Mom how much Michelle and Butch love each other. "We're destined," says Michelle. Hazel plays the indulgent adult, and tells Laurie and Michelle to go out and have some fun.
The Bedroom Of Laurie Show. Michelle is giving Laurie a make-over. Of course, she applies blood-red lipstick. Hmm…apparently, Subtlety will be serving as Class and Serenity's designated driver for the evening. Or maybe not. Sometimes it's hard to tell with him. Laurie bitches about her new step-mom Courtney, and Michelle says she should handle the situation by "torturing and killing her." I'm not even going to bother "hmm"-ing that one. Once the lipstick is applied, Michelle tells Laurie to kiss her, and The Synthesizer Of Sapphic Subtext kicks in on the soundtrack. Michelle smirks while Laurie stammers for a bit, but then she confesses that she's not a lesbian. She just wants Laurie to kiss her hand, so that she'll see that the lipstick stays on. Behind her, in the doorway, Hazel looks on disapprovingly.
Weird, strobing jump cut to a bowling alley. Laurie has completed her transformation from Laurie Schmo to Laurie Ho, and is now wearing a yellow tank-top over a visible purple bra. Michelle still has the blue halter, but now the neon signs reads "Poor White Trash." Michelle considers boys she can fix Laurie up with. Laurie, however, has spotted Surrogate Sam working the shoe counter and walks over to say hi. The Token Plain-Looking Best Friend is hurt at having been ditched for the Prom Queen. She snots that she started editing without Laurie. Oh yeah, I've been that guy too. Laurie apologizes and promises to call. Sure she will. As she walks back to the lane, Michelle yells at her to put her hair behind her ears. "I should have used more spray," she grouses. We'll all come to learn that Michelle takes her make-overs very seriously. Butch makes the mistake of saying he liked Laurie better before. Way to be discreet there, Mr. Mullet. Why not just tell her she looks fat in that halter? Michelle punches him and stalks off. Butch grunts like a caveman and she rolls her eyes. These two have pretty good chemistry, and I'm giggling like a little cave-girl.
Butchmobile. They pull up in front of The House Of Laurie Show. Awkward silence. Butch and Michelle fight. Laurie finally just gets out, and Michelle pushes Butch's foot down onto the gas as they squeal away. Inside, Laurie washes the make-up off and returns to Laurie Schmo status. Hazel "Dawson? No." enters. Laurie complains she had a lousy night. Hazel says she's happy, because she thinks Michelle is a little immature. She has no idea.
Now we're at the pool again. Would you believe we're only twenty-five minutes in at this point? Still no commercials, by the way. Laurie walks over to where Michelle, Butch, and their Gang of Four Friends are seated. Butch calls her "Foxy Lady." Michelle tries to make Butch jealous by macking with some random kid. Butch mocks her, and they continue to argue while she and Kid go at it. I have a pair of friends that are exactly like these two. Laurie gets weirded out and heads into the locker room. Just as she's trying to fasten her top, Butch walks in. "What are you doing in the ladies room?" asks Laurie. "I like the lady," he replies. Man, is this guy smooth, or what? No, seriously. All he's wearing is a bathing suit, and you could polish a baby's bottom with his chest. Butch fastens her suit for her, and Jennifer Finnegan blushes darker than blood-red lipstick. Butch lingers for a moment on her back, and then Michelle walks in and busts them. Except instead of busting them, she gives them permission to get together. "[This] could be good for everyone. Change is always good," she says as she stalks off with a smile. Butch grins and leers at Laurie, who looks around as though she's desperately searching for a way out of whatever madhouse she's walked into. And at long last, she's found one.
The Commercials Of Laurie Show.
We come back to see Hazel "Hussyless Hussy" getting ready for her first blind date since the divorce. She rejects a number of potential outfits, dismissing the last as being "too sexy." Laurie tells her "that's entirely the wrong attitude for a blind date." Mary-Margaret Humes remembers she's never been one to cover the cleavage, and ends up in a fairly tight sweater.
Cut to later. Laurie is home alone. Macaulay Culkin rings The Doorbell Of Laurie Show and begs for work at the USA network. The phone rings. Laurie hopes it's Michelle, but we don't actually find out who it is, so that the director can preserve the suspense when Laurie tells the caller, "You're not gonna kill yourself." She invites the Suicidal Mystery Caller over, and it turns out to be Butch, who's sporting a half-killed six pack. He whines about how Michelle is driving him crazy. Laurie totally defends Michelle, whom she obviously idolizes. On the other hand, she also has a crush the size of Pennsylvania on Butch, so she bakes him cookies. Mmm…cookies and beer.
day. Exterior of the Sanctum Non-Dawsonorium. I don't know what kind of divorce settlement Hazel "The Exiled Hussy" Show managed to wrangle, but that house is huge. Hazel, and an actor who really wants to be Ed Harris but isn't, watch Michelle and Butch play in the pool. Which is odd, because there wasn't a pool in the backyard the last time we were out there, but whatever. She's got the bikini on again, so for all I care they could be on Arrakis right now. Not-Ed Harris tells Hazel that Butch has a bed in the van. He remembers what it was like when he was Butch's age. Hazel tells him not to worry. He replies, "Guy. Girl. Bed. Van. Please!" and walks off. Heh. Laurie and Butch laugh and splash.
Poolside. Slo-mo bikini pan-up. Oh, yeah. And for the girls, slo-mo Butch pan-down. He's got Michelle's name tattooed on his arm. He tells Laurie she's gonna burn, and starts rubbing lotion on her back. He's really into it too, and goes on for like half an hour. Jennifer Finnegan completes the awkward teen hat-trick by playing the perfect balance of arousal and anxiety.
Back inside the Sanctum-Trumporium, Laurie accuses Hazel "Nosy Grier" of spying on her and Butch. Hazel is worried that she's spending too much time with him. Laurie explains that he came over the night before because he was feeling suicidal. "Well, he didn't seem suicidal today," fumes Hazel. "And some people would consider that a good thing," VanDerBeeks Laurie. Hazel doesn't actually say "shut up" here, but she does get to give a look that quiets Laurie pretty quick. Hazel says she just hopes that Butch isn't Laurie's "only option for a social life."
Laurie goes to the door to meet him. Hazel tries to butt in, but Laurie sends her back inside. Butch comes up to the porch, and seems hurt that Laurie won't let him in. He tells her this will all be over soon, since Michelle might not keep the baby. "Once it's over, then we can hang, okay?" he asks. Laurie tells him he's a mutant, and then screams at him to leave. Commercial.
We come back to a woman telling Laurie, "You need to become more of a manipulator." Questionably clever cut to Laurie getting a sales job at the trendy clothing store Michelle steals from. Back at the bowling alley, Laurie tells Surrogate Sam all about the new job. She invites Sam to a movie that night, but Surrogate Sam has gotten tired of being Substitute Sam and blows her off. Laurie spots Michelle and Butch and leaves. Michelle comes over and asks Surrogate Sam if she loves Laurie. Sapphic Sam is taken aback until Michelle explains that Laurie has been telling everyone she's a lesbian. I guess that makes her Surrogate Samantha, Token Plain-Looking Best Friend And Gay Girl, Sage Confidante To All And Sundry. Michelle emphasizes that she doesn't care if Sam is gay. "It's just a shame to see someone of your obvious intelligence treated like this. I mean, you're the yearbook editor." Heh. I love me some Marnette Patterson. Michelle leans in and starts playing with Surrogate Sam's hair. Hmm…
Movie theater. Laurie spots Surrogate Sam at the snack bar. Michelle has given her a make-over, if you can consider using Elmer's glue to paste every hair on her head to the left side of her face a make-over. Laurie comments on the new 'do, and then invites Sam to join her. Before she can say a word, Michelle swoops by and pulls Sam away, giving Laurie a dirty look.
Non-Sanctum Non-Dawsonorum. Laurie thrashes in bed as the phone rings incessantly. She finally answers, and Michelle starts screaming: "I'm gonna make sure you never get one wink of sleep again! You ruined my life, now I'm gonna ruin yours." Laurie hangs up, and the phone starts ringing again. She rips it out of the wall. Hazel looks on sadly.
Butch, Michelle, and the Gang Of Four are hanging out somewhere. Michelle bitches about Laurie, saying "her vibes" are affecting the baby. "So what are we doing, killing Laurie Show?" ask one of the Gang Of Four. Oh, how achingly meta. And I do mean aching. They go around the table suggesting methods. One of the Gang suggests brownies with arsenic. Michelle asks how a visibly uncomfortable Surrogate Sam would kill her "lesbian lover." Butch likes the old classics, namely "[dumping] the body in a tub of acid." Another Gang member suggests tying a rock to her body and dumping it in the river. "Laurie Show sleeps with the fishes," he giggles. I don't know which of the producers on this movie was the Godfather-obsessed one, but when I find out, they're waking up with a horse's head in their bed. Michelle gets a scary look in her eye and says, "I'd just get a butcher knife and slice her throat. Quick, clean, and humane." Subtlety stops back because he forgot his keys, and they don't cut back to the opening sequence.
House Of Laurie Show. Painting Of Laurie Van Gogh. Doorbell Of Laurie Show. Laurie answers and it's the cops. Hazel called them. Laurie tries to send them away, but Hazel gives her the shut-up look. Inside, they play the tapes of Michelle on the answering machine. Hazel fast-forwards over a particularly vicious reference to new step-mom Courtney. The cops are so stereotypical that I won't even bother giving them nicknames. Good Cop asks if there are any threats on the tape. Hazel says no, she only threatens when someone answers. Bad Cop criticizes The Lifestyle Of Laurie Show. "You kids are playing a dangerous game switching partners every weekend." The writers check off "Law Enforcement Is Powerless And Unwilling To Prevent Stalking" from their Major Themes list. Bad Cop offers to call and scare Michelle. Laurie says nothing scares her. Good Cop leaves her phone number on the way out.
Trendy Clothing Store. Laurie goes to put a dress back on the rack and runs into Michelle, who claims to be shopping for a present for her mom. Laurie's boss comes over, and Michelle promptly tells her that Laurie slept with the father of her baby. The boss is not amused, and tells Laurie to come see her when she finishes her argument. Michelle then pulls out a pair of purple panties and tells Laurie that she left them in the barn that night. Laurie grabs for the underwear, and Michelle plays keep-away until they both crash into a rack of dresses and fall over. They fight (tm Ace). Laurie's boss asks Butch to intervene. He refuses. "Whoa, chicks, man. They scare the hell out of me." Heh. I've been that guy too. Michelle finally climbs to her feet and loudly announces that she'll forget everything if Laurie stops harassing her. She tells a disbelieving Laurie that Butch never loved her, and that "we're going to Burlington's for Mom's present." Heh, again. As she walks out, Laurie is left to pick up her tattered underwear and cry.
Laurie and Hazel sit down to dinner. Hazel tries to get Laurie to accept help from Not-Ed Harris, who is apparently Hazel's brother. Laurie is pissed that Hazel told him. "That's why Dad dumped you," she snots. Mary-Margaret Humes lets out four years of pent-up frustration by replying, "Enough, Laurie. Trying to hurt my feelings is not going to solve anything. I am not the enemy." Laurie says Hazel is "on a need-to-know basis from now on." Doorbell Of Laurie Show yet again. It's Surrogate Sam, who tells Laurie to let her in, because she's being watched. Once inside, she tells Laurie that she was supposed to invite her out, and then Butch and Michelle would jump her. They're planning to cut off her hair and spray-paint her body black. Hazel enters, and Laurie tells her it's "nothing she needs to know about." She thanks Surrogate Sam for the warning.
Later. Bedroom Of Laurie Show. Laurie watches the Prom Video and sees Michelle's sneer. Close-up on Laurie's face, looking scared. Close-up on TV Michelle's face, looking evil. Cut to a cemetery. Ow! Now that's gonna leave a mark. Laurie, Hazel, and Not-Ed Harris go to church. Laurie thinks she sees Michelle, but it's just an old lady. Cut to the three of them in a restaurant, eating brunch. Laurie gets up to go to the bathroom. Inside, she thinks she sees Michelle again. She checks under all the stalls. Nothing. She shrugs and goes back to the table, where Not-Ed Harris is chatting with a co-worker and his son. Laurie and the son are forcibly set up on a date, and it's only then that Laurie finally spots Michelle, who's seated at a table in the back. Michelle gives her an evil grin.
Movie theater. Laurie and Generic Fix-Up Boy walk out. They chat, and things seem to be going well. As they walk outside, Generic Fix-Up Boy says he forgot his glasses in the men's room. Okay, I've been wearing glasses since I was six, and I don't even like taking them off in my own bathroom. There's no way I'm tossing them on a movie-theater bathroom counter. Whatever. Laurie asks for the keys so she can wait in the car. Dramatic shots of her walking through the empty parking lot. We see Butch dart between two parked cars behind her. And just as she reaches the car, Michelle pounces. Laurie tries to get away, but the Gang Of Four tackles her. Michelle proceeds to give her a stomping. Laurie is curled up on the ground. Finally, Michelle steps back. "I feel so much better now. I refuse to be the victim here." The Gang Of Four looks freaked, as does Surrogate Sam, who just stands there speechless. Michelle threatens to kill anyone who goes to the cops. Commercial.
Memo to Joss Whedon: I don't know what you're doing in the pictures Clare Kramer must obviously have of you, but it can't be so bad that you can't dump her for Marnette here. She's exactly what Glory is supposed to be: trashy, bitchy, slutty, and crazy. I know you'd never willingly cast an actress as bad as Clare is (cough Alexis Denisof cough), so I wanted you to know that after wallowing through your paternal issues and obvious penchant for trashy bad girls, I don't think a dirty picture is gonna faze us. Bring it on.
At the police station, Michelle is telling Bad Cop she had nothing to do with the beating. She tells him they were at the water tower, and then the Burger Palace. Then she chipped some golf balls and took a nap. In the room, Good Cop is trying flattery on Surrogate Sam. She tells her she's too smart to be mixed up with this crowd. Sam repeats the water tower and Burger Palace alibi. "Did she threaten you?" asks Good Cop. The anvil swings in from the right this time, along with Michelle, who is escorted past while staring daggers at Surrogate Sam.
Sanctum Non-Dawsonorum. Laurie quits her job. Hazel "Mama Don't Preach" laments her parenting skills. She says any other mother would have put a stop to this by now. Laurie tells her not to blame herself. Hazel tells Laurie she's never leaving the house alone again. Cut to the school, as Hazel drives Laurie in for the first day of the school year.
Across town, Butch is taking out the trash from his trailer. I thought we'd already established that we. Get. It. Guess not. He goes back inside, where Michelle is staring into the mirror. "My color is all wrong," she says. It's the first time in the entire movie that we've seen her without the trashy make-up, and she does look kinda weird. "Maybe the baby is taking to much of my blood." Oh, yeah. She's gonna make a great parent. Her and Butch start fighting. He's going to work. She thinks he's going to have an affair with Laurie. He punches her and walks out. She collapses to the floor.
Back at the school, Laurie gets out of the car and walks inside past the Gang Of Four, who look uncomfortable. Surrogate Sam tries to say hi, but Laurie blows right past her. In the trailer, Michelle is up and about, but suddenly doubles over in pain and rushes for the bathroom. She loses the baby. Cut to a visibly ill Michelle waiting for a bus. She gets one, and rides to the high school, where Laurie is running laps. Michelle surprisingly bypasses Laurie in favor of two of the Gang Of Four. They get one look at her stained clothes, bruised face, and hysterical ranting about Laurie Show and take off. Michelle stops Tabby to enlist her help. Tabby says she'll do anything.
In the locker room, Laurie comes back in from gym class. She chats with another girl, and then Tabby shows up and threatens her. "One of these days, when you least expect it…" She draws a finger across her throat and leaves. Laurie collapses against The Locker Of Laurie Show, and we cut to The Bedroom Of Laurie Show. She's watching the Prom Video again. I guess that's The Show Of Laurie Show. Hazel enters. They discuss the situation and share a tender moment. Laurie tells Hazel that she should start preparing for life after she's gone. She knows that no matter what anyone does, Michelle will find a way to kill her. Hazel looks sad for her daughter, and we pan to a close-up of Laurie and Butch, dancing and laughing at the Prom. Commercial.
Now we get a violent content warning? Whatever. Hazel is begging Good Cop to do something. Good Cop explains that Pennsylvania's anti-stalking laws (since changed, as a result of this case) are woefully inadequate. She finally agrees to go see Michelle's mom. At the house, "Baby Steps" Tabby sneaks up to eavesdrop as the cop interrogates the mom. When she refuses to answer any questions, Hazel gets out of the squad car and starts screaming at her. She yells that she has to send Laurie away to live with her dad now. Good Cop has to calm Hazel down.
At the trailer park, Michelle is playing with a ferret. She explains that it was a gift from Butch to make her feel better about the baby. Tabby asks to hold the ferret, and Michelle gives it up reluctantly. Tabby passes on the information about Laurie going to live with her dad. "Why didn't you tell me that first?" asks Michelle. "I wanted to make you happy." "Nothing makes me happy." Michelle starts plotting how to kill Laurie before she leaves town. Tabby agrees to help.
Sanctum Non-Dawsonorum. Hazel talks to Dad on the phone and makes plans for him to pick Laurie up at the airport. Laurie just looks sad. Michelle, on the other hand, looks happy as we cut to her in a hardware store with Butch and Tabby. They're casually picking out supplies for the murder. Michelle tosses some rope into the cart. Tabby comes over with a set of ski masks, which Michelle rejects because they're red and not black. Butch can't believe they're really going to do it. Michelle ignores him and talks to herself. Hmm…
The ninety minutes are up. Bedroom Of Laurie Show. The Hands Of Laurie Show pack The Luggage Of Laurie Show. Hazel comes in to tell her that there's an emergency at work, and she has to go in immediately. Apparently she's a nurse of some sort. Now I really want to know how they can afford that house. Her and Laurie share a giggly goodbye. Outside, Michelle, Tabby, and Butch are in the Butchmobile, watching her leave. Tabby admires the knife Michelle has brought, and I gotta say, that is a big knife. Michelle and Butch mack (last time, I swear). Tabby looks forlorn.
Repeat of the opening scene. Doorbell Of Laurie Show. Black-clad intruders. Bedroom Of Laurie Show. This time Michelle peels off the ski-mask to reveal that it was her with the blood-red lipstick. I'm shocked. SHOCKED, I say. Before we get to the part with the big knife, we cut to Hazel, realizing that she's not needed at work. She hauls ass out of the hospital. Just before she pulls back into the driveway, Michelle and Tabby burst out of the house and run away. Hazel gets inside, and screams. Commercial.
Post-Coital Fade-Up. Only this time, it's Michelle and "Gay As A Picnic Basket" Tabby. Michelle is in a robe. Tabby is in a towel. Michelle kisses her neck and makes Tabby repeat their alibi. Tabby clearly has her mind on other things, and has trouble remembering the story. Michelle makes Tabby suck her thumb, and then yells at her for being stupid. "Tabby's Hollywood Screen Kiss" has to be able to repeat the story under pressure. She also has a nasty scratch on her face, by the way. Michelle starts kissing her shoulder again, and Tabby manages to repeat the alibi all the way through. This scene was a lot sexier than I made it sound. A lot trashier too. Anyway, once Tabby gets it right, Michelle tells her to get dressed and leave.
At the creek, Butch wraps up the murder weapon and tosses it into the creek. He's got a pretty good arm, but not as good as Gaylord Perry. I wonder if he greased up the knife before he threw it? By the way, if you know who Gaylord Perry is, that's funny twice.
"Amazing Grace" plays on the soundtrack. Funeral montage. Hazel, Not-Ed Harris, and Surrogate Sam look sad. Butch & Michelle sit in the Butchmobile, looking bored. Michelle giggles. Surrogate Sam drops a rose on Laurie's grave. Butch and Michelle mack (okay, that really was the last time, I swear). Gee, I wonder where they stole the idea of inter-cutting a somber religious service with a murder and its aftermath? Francis Ford Coppola, if you're reading this, turn off the computer and call your lawyer.
Police station. "Amazing Grace" is still going. Surrogate Sam asks to speak to Good Cop. Now we're at the bowling alley. Butch gets a strike and celebrates in slow motion. Michelle is giving a make-over to new girl. The music swells, and she turns to see the cops striding into the alley. We're still in slow-motion, and I can actually see the cheese dripping off the screen. I hit pause and spend the twenty minutes dragging anvils out of my living room. Butch and Michelle are carted away.
Courtroom. Hazel thanks Surrogate Sam for going to the cops. "I wish more kids were like you," she says. "No you don't," replies Sam. Michelle is on the stand. Her hair is dyed brown, the blue contacts are gone, and the make-up is much more subdued. Michelle gives her side of the story, which is that Laurie was stalking her and Butch. She and Tabby went over to talk to her, and Tabby went nuts and killed her. This is all intercut with incredibly tasteless shots of Laurie struggling, blood spattering, and Laurie wheezing her last words. Michelle tearfully tells the jury that Tabby "And I Love It! I Love My Dead Gay Rival" wanted to stay and finish her off. Cut to The Lesbian, The Bitch, And The Wardrobe Of Laurie Show. That's C.S. Lewis, I know, but it's as close as I'm gonna get to a Judy Blume joke this time. They're standing over a bloody Laurie and asking, "Why isn't she dead yet?" Michelle leans in with the knife. Back in court, she keeps lyin' and cryin'. "As God as my witness, I am not the one who murdered her." Frankly, Michelle, we don't give a damn. The jury, however, looks like they're buying it.
Sanctum Non-Dawsonorum. Hazel is worried that they might believe Michelle. "I've never seen anyone lie so perfectly." You obviously didn't watch Dune. Not-Ed Harris convinces her that she has to testify, since it's the only way they can convict. I just figured that giving her the big finish was the only way they could get Mary-Margaret Humes. Courtroom. Hazel describes finding Laurie's body. It's all supposed to be sad and tear-jerky, but after ninety minutes of balls-to-the-wall camp, it's just not working. Anyway, Hazel cries. She says that she noticed that Laurie's throat had been slit. "I cradled her in my arms and tried to hold her together." Okay, that's just gross. And of course, Sally Jessy Raphael treats us to a flashback shot of Hazel trying to keep Laurie's head attached to her body.
Pan across a jail cell to Michelle, who puts the contacts and make-up back on. She goes to hear the verdict in the white dress she stole in the opening scene. It's all shot in slo-mo with weird music, so we know she's insane. The jury announces the verdict: Guilty. Marnette Patterson gives a hilarious "whatever" look and is led away. Hazel stares her down as she leaves. We get a long moment of Mary-Margaret Humes thinking, "Think sad thoughts. Think sad thoughts." Finally, we freeze-frame on Hazel looking up to the heavens.
We get a home-video montage of Hazel and Laurie in better times, as subtitles inform us of the fate of the participants. Butch got ten years for third-degree Murder. I, thankfully, have never been that guy. But it's been close a few times. Tabby got life with no parole. Michelle got life as well, although appeals are still pending. Pennsylvania got new stalking laws. We get a final shot of Laurie and Hazel, holding stuffed animals and visibly dripping saccharine from every pore.
So, what have we learned? Well, for one, the following things are evil: Blood-red lipstick, sexually promiscuous teen-agers, ferrets, trailer parks, mullets, make-overs, mini-skirts, and diving boards. Also, Mary-Margaret Humes is only slightly more tolerable without Dawson. And most importantly, if this sort of thing is happening to you or someone you love, you need to do something about it, and fast. Or else Sally Jessy Raphael might just get her hands on your life story.
Oh, and the cops just called. Serenity beat up a tabloid photographer, and Class trashed a hotel room. Subtlety was nowhere to be found. That's okay. It's not like he spends a lot of time hanging out in Capeside anyway. And maybe, just maybe, he might have taken Solace with him. They're soulmates, you know.