Dawson's Creek S04E10

So it turns out that The Stalking of Laurie Show is not the equally eponymous spin-off from Angel (which is itself an equally eponymous spin-off) that I had thought it was when Sars first suggested I recap it. Nor is it in a similar vein to The Larry Sanders Show or even The It's Garry Shandling Show. Perhaps not surprisingly, it's actually all about a girl named Laurie Show. Who gets stalked. When I found out that it was a woman-in-distress movie of the week on the USA Network, I was a little worried, as I usually only handle the desert-based recaps here at MBTV. Plus, Sars has depressingly bad luck with movies. I mean, Final Destination? Rites of Passage? The House of Mirth? Truth be told, her streak of bad luck continues here, but only because she missed it. Believe it or not, this one actually has gay sex.

We open in The House Of Laurie Show, as The Hand Of Laurie Show reaches into the frame to grab The Luggage Of Laurie Show. Downstairs, The Doorbell Of Laurie Show is ringing, and The Actual Laurie Show answers it. Before she can get the door even halfway open, two black-clad intruders rush in. They chase her upstairs to The Bedroom Of Laurie Show. She goes for the phone, but they grab her and tie her up. We see that one of the assailants is wearing blood-red lipstick under her ski-mask, and then a giant knife fills the screen. We hear The Sobbing Of Laurie Show as we fade to black. The ninety-minutes thing goes for this scene too.

Fade up on an Amish guy, driving his horse-and-buggy down the highway. It's all very serene and pretty, but then the title appears written in blood-red lipstick (complete with gratuitous smearing on the "W"), which means that Serenity will clearly be taking the night off. The Amish Guy continues on down the road. I see Sally Jessy Raphael's credit, and I realize that Serenity is going to be out for a wild night on the town with Class. They'll probably get arrested and I'll have to bail them out again. A subtitle informs us that it's nine months earlier, and while that's meaningless now, it's actually pretty funny the second time you watch. I'm on my fifth viewing now, though, and it's beginning to lose its significant power to charm me.

Now The Amish Guy passes a construction zone. An old brown van pulls up behind him, and then swerves into the opposite lane to get by. We follow the van for a second, and then do a weird, strobing jump cut to construction workers building a residential development. A sign helpfully informs us that we're in Lancaster, Pennsylvania, which does in fact sport a sizeable Amish population. Weird, strobing jump cut back to the van, as it pulls into a mall parking lot. Michelle gets out and does a weird, strobing jump cut into a trendy clothing store. I have a weird, strobing headache. Michelle, by the way, is wearing a blue halter and a tight black miniskirt, upon which rests a large neon sign which reads (in part), "I am a trashy slut." You know, in case the outfit, the hair, the posture, and the cleavage don't make that clear. She picks out a dress, looks around, and sneakily stuffs it into her bag.

"But I don't have anything to wear!" cries Laurie Show, in the first of what will be a never-ending series of questionably clever cuts. She's searches frantically through a box of clothing. Hazel "Footloose And Fruity-Pebbles-Head Free" Show enters. (Incidentally, you should just go ahead and assume that any clever nicknames in this recap are tm Sars or Wing Chun. The bad ones are all me.) Laurie tells her, "I know, I should have unpacked weeks ago," as the writers check off "new in town" from their Things-To-Exposit-In-The-First-Fifteen-Minutes List. Being Dawson-free ain't all it's cracked up to be, though, as Laurie then proceeds to insult her mother's fashion sense. Hazel, used to far worse, doesn't even blink.

Weird, strobing jump cut back to the van. Michelle climbs back in and shows the dress to Butch. While Butch doesn't even try to hide his Australian accent, I will give him credit for sporting a regionally accurate mullet. They like 'em a little shaggier on the sides out there in Amish country. The van squeals out of the parking lot, almost hitting a random guy. Butch gives him the finger, and the writers pass by the already double-underlined "Michelle is a trashy slut" to check "Butch is a jerk" off the list.

The Doorbell Of Laurie Show again. Laurie has found a dress (and it's a fairly cute pink number), but she still doesn't want to go. Apparently, she agreed to help some girl videotape the Prom. Hazel thinks everyone there will love her. Laurie thinks not. "I'll have a video camera in front of my face the whole night." And actually, I know how she feels. I've been that guy way to many times. She walks outside and meets Samantha, who is the basic cable version of The Token Plain-Looking Best Friend Who Counsels The Hot Lead in pretty much every teen movie ever made. Samantha is making a documentary about "the nineties American teenager in all [their] rural hideousness." Perhaps not surprisingly, director Norma Bailey used to make documentaries about the eighties American teenager in all their rural hideousness.

Back in the van, Michelle is wearing the stolen dress and applying a fresh coat of blood-red lipstick. Hmmthen she swigs a bottle of whiskey and starts slobbering all over Butch. So why bother with the lipstick?

Cut to Laurie and Samantha the Surrogate in the car. Laurie thinks the vast countryside is beautiful, and wants to do a painting. Samantha just thinks it's mind-numbing. Since you pass through here on the turnpike going from Pittsburgh to New York, I can confirm that it is. It helps if you have a fun game to play in the car. The Brown Butchmobile pulls up behind them. There's some honking and screaming, and then the Butchmobile swerves around them, narrowly missing The Amish Guy, who could have ridden that horse-and-buggy from Pittsburgh to New York and back by now. Samantha and Laurie are freaked by the near miss. Incidentally, Pittsburgh is a great city, and there's any number of reasonable explanations as to why someone (even a group of Hot Dancing Gay Boys) might choose to live there, but I won't enumerate them here. Go Pens!

Documentary Nerd-Cam. We're at the dance, and various students are waving to the camera. We pan across to "Probably Gay" Tabby. Why probably gay? Short hair and black clothes. She doesn't have a neon sign, but with that haircut she doesn't really need one. Also, why no last name? It's not even in the credits. Tabby "Not McFarland" doesn't want to talk to the camera. Cut to Samantha interviewing Michelle, who's the "odds-on favorite for Prom Queen." Vegas puts her at three-to-one, by the way. Surrogate Sam asks about the dress. "I made it," answers Michelle, with an air of bitchiness that suggests she's channeling a high-school version of Amanda Woodward from Melrose Place. "My grandmother was a well-known seamstress to the White House." Whatever you say, Miss Heather Turn Back The Clocklear.

Vegas, baby! They're never wrong. Michelle Lambert and Butch Yunkin are named King & Queen of the Prom. I win a cool three grand. Oh, and -- "Yunkin"? Then again, the actor playing him is named Rel Hunt. "Rel"? Michelle gives a breathless acceptance speech, in which she promises they will "try to be worthy of this amazing honor." Tabby "Still Not Gay Yet" watches with love in her eyes. Cut to Butch and Michelle, dancing and whispering. They walk over to Laurie, who's taping their every move. Butch tells her Michelle said he can dance with whomever he wants, so "it's [her] lucky night." A crowd of girls oohs and ahhs at her good fortune. Why? It's not like she just won three grand or anything. Must be his mullet. Laurie dances with him, and USA Network alum Jennifer Finnegan (La Femme Nikita) does an excellent awkward teen as they engage in stilted chat. Sample Butch witticism: "So you're new, huh? What's up with that?" Off to one side, Michelle explains that she has to "keep feeding [Butch] treats to keep him interested."

After Prom. Samantha tells Laurie that everyone is going to the pool. Who goes to a pool after Prom? Isn't that what cheap hotels are for? On my fourth viewing, I notice two janitors in the background dragging out a drunken student. Heh. At the pool, girls are leaping in, still in their dresses. Michelle, however, has changed into a revealing bikini. Documentary Nerd-Cam shot of her standing on the diving board and pandering to the male audience by adjusting her top for a full two minutes. For the record, we're grateful. So is Laurie, who gushes that Michelle is "totally awesome." Surrogate Samantha exposits that Michelle was a fat nobody in ninth grade, but transformed herself into Butch's "dream-babe" by losing weight, dying her hair, and getting contacts. Michelle executes a perfect swan dive into the pool.

Butch swims over and dares Laurie to jump in just in her underwear. She simpers. Butch and Surrogate Sam bicker until Michelle arrives and offers up an extra bathing suit she has in the van. Michelle is played by Marnette Patterson, late of UPN's Movie Stars, which has the distinction of being the only sitcom I've ever watched on a plane. I'm normally afraid of heights, but I've never wanted to try sky-diving so much in my life. Marnette herself, on the other hand, kicks ass. More on that later. Laurie blows off Surrogate Sam to go swimming.

Diving board. Synthesizer of Sapphic Subtext. Michelle delivers a slow, breathy monologue on the importance of swimming to muscle tone. Laurie has changed into an even skimpier bikini, which Michelle proceeds to adjust for her. Either God or the Kwisatz Haderach has apparently heard my prayers, because I've gone from old guys in the desert to young girls in bikinis. Michelle gives her diving tips, including this sage advice: "Slice [the water] clean, like a knife." HmmLaurie does the worst belly-flop I've ever seen, and Surrogate Sam zooms in on Michelle's face as she smirks.

At the Sanctum Non-Dawsonorum, Hazel is passed out on the sofa. Will we ever get a commercial? Laurie bounces in and wakes her up to tell all about her great night. "The Prom Queen wants to be my friend," Laurie crows. Michelle even invited her over to hang the day.

Questionably clever cut to the day. Laurie and Michelle pull up to Michelle's house. Michelle runs inside to get her laundry (huh?), but Laurie has to wait outside, because Michelle's mom is "too sick." As Laurie waits, a car pulls into the driveway, and a perfectly stereotypical Midwestern Dad hops out. Michelle snots at him that dinner's in the fridge and walks off. Before she leaves, the sickly mom comes out and asks her to take her two little sisters along. The kids pile happily into the backseat.

The Backyard Of Laurie Show. Laurie Van Gogh teaches the kids to paint as Hazel and Michelle fold laundry. Michelle thanks Hazel for letting her do her wash, because she just had to get out of the house. I don't understand the whole laundry thing either, but it's irrelevant, so who cares? She clears off the remaining items on the exposition list by describing her bad home life. Blah sick mom, bling mean dad, blah two-little-kids-cakes. Laurie tells Mom how much Michelle and Butch love each other. "We're destined," says Michelle. Hazel plays the indulgent adult, and tells Laurie and Michelle to go out and have some fun.

The Bedroom Of Laurie Show. Michelle is giving Laurie a make-over. Of course, she applies blood-red lipstick. Hmmapparently, Subtlety will be serving as Class and Serenity's designated driver for the evening. Or maybe not. Sometimes it's hard to tell with him. Laurie bitches about her new step-mom Courtney, and Michelle says she should handle the situation by "torturing and killing her." I'm not even going to bother "hmm"-ing that one. Once the lipstick is applied, Michelle tells Laurie to kiss her, and The Synthesizer Of Sapphic Subtext kicks in on the soundtrack. Michelle smirks while Laurie stammers for a bit, but then she confesses that she's not a lesbian. She just wants Laurie to kiss her hand, so that she'll see that the lipstick stays on. Behind her, in the doorway, Hazel looks on disapprovingly.

Weird, strobing jump cut to a bowling alley. Laurie has completed her transformation from Laurie Schmo to Laurie Ho, and is now wearing a yellow tank-top over a visible purple bra. Michelle still has the blue halter, but now the neon signs reads "Poor White Trash." Michelle considers boys she can fix Laurie up with. Laurie, however, has spotted Surrogate Sam working the shoe counter and walks over to say hi. The Token Plain-Looking Best Friend is hurt at having been ditched for the Prom Queen. She snots that she started editing without Laurie. Oh yeah, I've been that guy too. Laurie apologizes and promises to call. Sure she will. As she walks back to the lane, Michelle yells at her to put her hair behind her ears. "I should have used more spray," she grouses. We'll all come to learn that Michelle takes her make-overs very seriously. Butch makes the mistake of saying he liked Laurie better before. Way to be discreet there, Mr. Mullet. Why not just tell her she looks fat in that halter? Michelle punches him and stalks off. Butch grunts like a caveman and she rolls her eyes. These two have pretty good chemistry, and I'm giggling like a little cave-girl.

Butchmobile. They pull up in front of The House Of Laurie Show. Awkward silence. Butch and Michelle fight. Laurie finally just gets out, and Michelle pushes Butch's foot down onto the gas as they squeal away. Inside, Laurie washes the make-up off and returns to Laurie Schmo status. Hazel "Dawson? No." enters. Laurie complains she had a lousy night. Hazel says she's happy, because she thinks Michelle is a little immature. She has no idea.

Now we're at the pool again. Would you believe we're only twenty-five minutes in at this point? Still no commercials, by the way. Laurie walks over to where Michelle, Butch, and their Gang of Four Friends are seated. Butch calls her "Foxy Lady." Michelle tries to make Butch jealous by macking with some random kid. Butch mocks her, and they continue to argue while she and Kid go at it. I have a pair of friends that are exactly like these two. Laurie gets weirded out and heads into the locker room. Just as she's trying to fasten her top, Butch walks in. "What are you doing in the ladies room?" asks Laurie. "I like the lady," he replies. Man, is this guy smooth, or what? No, seriously. All he's wearing is a bathing suit, and you could polish a baby's bottom with his chest. Butch fastens her suit for her, and Jennifer Finnegan blushes darker than blood-red lipstick. Butch lingers for a moment on her back, and then Michelle walks in and busts them. Except instead of busting them, she gives them permission to get together. "[This] could be good for everyone. Change is always good," she says as she stalks off with a smile. Butch grins and leers at Laurie, who looks around as though she's desperately searching for a way out of whatever madhouse she's walked into. And at long last, she's found one.

The Commercials Of Laurie Show.

We come back to see Hazel "Hussyless Hussy" getting ready for her first blind date since the divorce. She rejects a number of potential outfits, dismissing the last as being "too sexy." Laurie tells her "that's entirely the wrong attitude for a blind date." Mary-Margaret Humes remembers she's never been one to cover the cleavage, and ends up in a fairly tight sweater.

Cut to later. Laurie is home alone. Macaulay Culkin rings The Doorbell Of Laurie Show and begs for work at the USA network. The phone rings. Laurie hopes it's Michelle, but we don't actually find out who it is, so that the director can preserve the suspense when Laurie tells the caller, "You're not gonna kill yourself." She invites the Suicidal Mystery Caller over, and it turns out to be Butch, who's sporting a half-killed six pack. He whines about how Michelle is driving him crazy. Laurie totally defends Michelle, whom she obviously idolizes. On the other hand, she also has a crush the size of Pennsylvania on Butch, so she bakes him cookies. Mmmcookies and beer.

day. Exterior of the Sanctum Non-Dawsonorium. I don't know what kind of divorce settlement Hazel "The Exiled Hussy" Show managed to wrangle, but that house is huge. Hazel, and an actor who really wants to be Ed Harris but isn't, watch Michelle and Butch play in the pool. Which is odd, because there wasn't a pool in the backyard the last time we were out there, but whatever. She's got the bikini on again, so for all I care they could be on Arrakis right now. Not-Ed Harris tells Hazel that Butch has a bed in the van. He remembers what it was like when he was Butch's age. Hazel tells him not to worry. He replies, "Guy. Girl. Bed. Van. Please!" and walks off. Heh. Laurie and Butch laugh and splash.

Poolside. Slo-mo bikini pan-up. Oh, yeah. And for the girls, slo-mo Butch pan-down. He's got Michelle's name tattooed on his arm. He tells Laurie she's gonna burn, and starts rubbing lotion on her back. He's really into it too, and goes on for like half an hour. Jennifer Finnegan completes the awkward teen hat-trick by playing the perfect balance of arousal and anxiety.

Back inside the Sanctum-Trumporium, Laurie accuses Hazel "Nosy Grier" of spying on her and Butch. Hazel is worried that she's spending too much time with him. Laurie explains that he came over the night before because he was feeling suicidal. "Well, he didn't seem suicidal today," fumes Hazel. "And some people would consider that a good thing," VanDerBeeks Laurie. Hazel doesn't actually say "shut up" here, but she does get to give a look that quiets Laurie pretty quick. Hazel says she just hopes that Butch isn't Laurie's "only option for a social life."