Shouts out to owen, Goober, and Wing.
After Michelle Williams in her tight shiny black top welcomes us to an all-new "Dawson's Creek," and after the customary barrage of last-week-in-Clichéville-scenes, fade up on Sanctum Dawsonorum. Taming Of The Shrew is on the TV (no comment), and as Liz Taylor snarls, "If I may have leave to speak," the camera pans over a table littered with videotapes, including Terms of Endearment, as if any self-respecting sixteen-year-old boy would sit through so much as ten minutes of that film. Cut to Dawson "Captain Crunch" Leery, blathering on about Shakespeare and saying that his plays reached their apotheosis in the tragedies, as Gale "Estranged" Leery reclines on a pillow on Dawson's bed sniffling and not really listening to him. Dawson remarks bitterly that "like all great romantics, he finally realized that life is a lot more likely to end up with a bunch of dead Danish people on stage than with a kiss." Dawson shuts off the TV as Gale reaches for more Kleenex and says, "What a sad movie." Dawson points out that she cried during the commercials; Gale says, "Only that cotton commercial," and blows her nose. Dawson mistakes condescension for compassion: "You've got to do something about your perpetual state of melancholy -- I'm concerned about you." Buck up, little camper! Gale -- whose hair-stylist seems to have heard viewer pleas for a deep-conditioning treatment -- points out that, since Dawson broke up with Joey, he hasn't said anything about it. "You haven't even wallowed," she says. Dawson doesn't see the point of wallowing because "all the wallowing in the world isn't going to bring somebody back." Gale explains, "Wallowing isn't about getting them back. It isn't about them at all. It's about you," as if Dawson didn't already think everything is about him. Gale then extols the "advantages of being the dumpee" and all the things it gives you an excuse to do, including "stuffing your face with a lifetime supply of red licorice and donuts," and as she bites into her bouquet of product-placed Twizzlers, Gale also recommends country music and writing "bad bitter poetry," and Dawson contributes a few items to the list. After scraping the very bottom of that particular barrel, Gale tries to comfort Dawson: "Every inch of pain that touches you makes you a deeper, more real individual, whether you're sixteen or -- slightly older." Dawson asks, "So it doesn't get any easier?" and Gale says ruefully, "Nope. You just go to bed earlier," and thank you, Gale, for that depressingly accurate insight into the true nature of adult life. Gale bids Dawson good night and hopes she "was an acceptable substitute for movie night," and Dawson tells her she was "great," and Gale and her nosegay o' Twizzlers go downstairs. Dawson throws in another video and settles down on the bed which Gale so thoughtfully left littered with used Kleenex, and he looks mournfully out from under his Sam-The-Eagle forelock at the window (open. In Cape Cod. In November) which totally doesn't have Joey coming through it, and the curtains blow forlornly in the breeze, and Dawson sadly eats a Twizzler. Buck up, little camper!
Credits. Whatever.
Fade up on a teacher droning "what light through yonder window breaks" as Dawson doodles on the school-logo pirate on his notebook, and if the writers try to fob off that exhausted "Romeo and Juliet" parallel on us, I don't know what, but the teacher redeems himself by continuing, "It is the midterm, and your impending failure is but hours away." The midterm will cover everything they have learned about English literature thus far and will count for half their grade. Meanwhile, Andie "Dexatrim" McPhee and Pacey "Half" Witter giggle at each other, and Dawson and Joey "Madame Tussaud's" Potter almost bump heads while reaching for their books in a moment of awkwardness, and Joey has some sort of not-swept and not-up swept-up hairdo going on, and Napoleon explains to the other animals why throwing over the farmer -- oops, my bad, Jen in a slinky red top sulks at her desk, and then some guy in the back of the classroom throws a balled-up piece of paper at her which says "DON'T FORGET TO SMILE!" with "SMILE" all underlined, like, shut up, guy in the back of the classroom, and also, stop letting your mother cut your hair. Jen sort of reluctantly turns around to smile at Mental-Patient-Haircut Boy while the teacher announces the study session, which he suggests that everyone attend, "unless of course your parents have dedicated at least a wing or two to an Ivy league institution, in which case your tragic East Coast aristocratic social-alcoholic fate has already been sealed," and speaking of alcoholics, this teacher seems to have hit the bottle of Jim Beam in the teachers' lounge pretty hard. The bell rings, and Joey follows Dawson out of the room, telling him that at some point they should say something to each other, and Dawson asks, "What would you like me to say, Joey?" and Joey says, "I don't know -- what do you want to say?" and Dawson says, "'Go away'?" and Joey says, "Besides that?" Dawson says that she wanted space and he is giving it to her, but Joey didn't think they "would be cutting off all communication," and Dawson wants to know what she thought it meant, and Joey objects, "This isn't fair!" and Dawson wonders, "To which one of us? You can't make up all the rules," and Joey says she doesn't want to do that, although it seems pretty clear that she really does (and has), and Dawson asks what she does want, and once again a crowd of their peers has gathered to watch their non-argument argument, and Dawson stomps off down the hall. Number of retinal burns induced by James Van Der Beek's dye job: 12.
Pacey and Andie at lunch. Pacey complains about the sub-standard cafeteria french fries; Andie takes a "purity test" in her product-placed Jane magazine and asks Pacey if he has ever participated in a menage a trois. Andie painstakingly explains the purity test to Pacey, who has apparently forgotten how heavily the purity-test plot device figures into this week's episode: "An assortment of sexual questions that, when totalled, are meant to gauge your level of sexual experience." Pacey wants to change the subject, but Andie says she knows "[his] history," and a worried Pacey says, "You do?" at which point Andie offers the theory that, like most boys his age, he has very little experience at all but wants everyone to think otherwise, and Pacey chooses to let her believe that. Andie downshifts into nagging mode and practically orders him to go to the study session, and Pacey doesn't want to bother, but eventually he gives in because he can sense that this scene has already gone on way too long.
Cut to Mental-Patient-Haircut Boy strolling down the track in a too-big tank top and a weird leather-cord choker with a charm that looks like a paper clip. MPHB, aka Chris, greets Jen as "Jen-a-lish-dee-lish" as she does her stretches. Shut up, Chris. Chris offers himself as her running partner because he knows "when to speed up -- when to slow down," and Jen adds, "When to leave someone alone?" Go, Jen. Shut up, Chris. Chris asks why Jen "isn't receptive to [his] wily charms," and Jen replies that he plies them on "any skirt within a six-mile radius," and Chris jokes that "actually, I have a car, so it's more like the tri-state area." Like, ha ha. Not. Jen smiles, but blows him off and keeps stretching out her newfound backbone. Number of single entendres (tm Wing) stolen from Abby for use during this scene: 1.
As Chris pimp-daddy-struts on by, Dawson -- thankfully attired in a modest t-shirt -- walks up to Jen and remarks, "The hawk circles." Jen says Chris "was just being 'cute' -- which he is." Jen needs to get out more. Dawson warns Jen about Chris's "love-'em-and-leave-'em rap sheet -- it's epic." Jen tells Big D to relax. Dawson says he's "just looking out," then asks her if she's going to the study session. Jen doesn't think so because she doesn't really feel like applying herself these days. Dawson says he plans to go and encourages Jen to come. Jen, seeing Chris chatting up some random blonde on the bleachers, says she'll consider it since Chris seems to have forgotten her existence. Number of extra laps any gym teacher on earth would have made these kids do for chit-chatting instead of running: 10.
Cut to Andie reading a note from the English teacher: "Dear Class: Went home with a cold that was considerably more important than you. The test is still on for tomorrow; study the sample questions. Until then, hardly yours, Mr. Peterson." Dear Mr. Peterson: You rule. Love, Sars. Anyway, the key members of the gang have gathered to hear the note, and Chris suggests to Jen that they have their own study session at his house since his "folks are in St. Maarten," and Jen basically says "as if" and walks off, but Chris swears he has "no ulterior motives" and, apparently to prove it, tells her to invite her friends. Memo to the writers: since all of these people go to the SAME school in a tiny TINY town, most of them have known each other since first grade, and thus Chris probably knows "Jen's friends" better than Jen does. Anyway, Chris offers his house as a studying venue, and Pacey has to convince Andie to go to Chris's instead of to "the city library" because Chris's parents have a huge house and a satellite dish, and Andie gives in, and Jen gives in too and takes Chris's arm, and over the river and through the woods to Chris's house they go.
Capeside High exterior. Andie inquires into Joey's study plans; Joey plans to spend the evening with her lit book and "a loud crying baby." Andie asks Joey to come to Chris's study hootenanny because she "can't do this alone," but Joey seriously doubts that "Chris Wolf [would] provide a suitable study environment" and thinks she'll take her chances with the squalling infant. Andie assures Joey that she has "mega-control of this event." Meanwhile, Pacey tries to interest Dawson in coming to Chris's, and Dawson can't believe Pacey actually wants to study, but he agrees to go and opens the door of Chris's Suburban to find an uncomfortable Joey already in the back seat.
Boggle. Buddy Lee. 1-800-HAHANOT.
Over at Chateau Loup, Chris points his awkwardly milling guests to the TV and to the Jacuzzi and sauna and to the kitchen. Pacey sneaks off to watch television while Joey sarcastically whispers to Andie, "Sounds like we're going to get a lot of studying done." Andie reminds her, "I'm in complete control here." Chris introduces his little sister Dina, who has glasses and a Mare Winningham-in-"St. Elmo's Fire" haircut and a metallic choker necklace so tight that I had a flashback to the scene in "The Godfather" when Sonny has Connie's husband garroted in the front seat of the car. Chris observes pointedly that Dina promised to stay out of the way. Andie outlines the requirements for an ideal study environment, realizes that Pacey has vanished, and storms into the TV room/bar where Pacey has kicked back in front of "'The Three Stooges' in Cantonese" and demands to know why he "insist[s] on undermining her at every opportunity." Well, Andie, maybe Pacey has gotten as sick of the Lisa-Simpson-on-amyl-nitrate routine as the rest of us. Pacey whines, "I wanna watch teeee-veeee," but he follows Andie into the dining room, where she proceeds to outline her super-disciplined plan for covering all the material, and while Andie rambles on about fifteen-minute breaks and finishing by midnight, Joey gazes hopefully at Dawson and Dawson avoids her eyes, and Chris and Jen look skeptical. After Andie mentions the "speed round" and "a good night's sleep," Chris asks if anyone wants to order a pizza and Pacey tries to get Andie to chill out. Number of shots in this sequence of Dawson's hugely flared nostrils violating local zoning ordinances: 3.
In the wine pantry, Chris talks pretentiously about wine and says something about choosing "quality over labels." Shut up, Chris. Jen says porquettishly, "I think we're getting to know each other minus sexual overtones." Shut up, Jen. Chris feigns a look of injury and says, "Well, it is possible. You know, Jen, it bothers me that you think the worst about me. I don't about you," as he opens the bottle of wine. Shut up, Chris. Jen refers to their "encounters" and Chris's "reputation" and asks, "What would you expect me to assume?" Shut up, Jen. Chris responds, "That we're a lot alike, that reputations aren't worth the air they're written on, and that the only way to get to know someone is -- by getting to know them." Shut up, Chris. Jen says, "Deal," and they shake hands, but Chris doesn't "want to let go just yet." Shut up, Chris. And stop letting your mother cut your hair. Number of ears Chris borrowed from Prince Charles without asking: 2.
Andie quizzes the gang on "the most famous of the Romantic poets." Most of the gang drinks soda or something out of blue glasses, but Jen the erstwhile New York sophisticate drinks Chris's pretentious red wine. Nobody knows the answer to Andie's question. Chris swaggers in and quotes a couplet of Hardy to Jen, something about "two beings were drifting, each one to the other," which doesn't sound like Hardy to me, or to Andie, who says, "Verrrrry impressive, but wrong-o," and calls on Pacey, who quotes Green Eggs And Ham, and the gang chuckles, and I must admit that I did too. Joey finally gets the right answer with "Keats." Also "wrong-o" -- Wordsworth much? -- but we won't go there right now. Andie asks for his most famous poem, and as Joey thinks it over, Dawson glares at Joey and says with great portent, "Beauty is truth, truth beauty" (technically, "wrong-o" on this one too -- "Ode On A Grecian Urn" much?), and Joey says that he got it right, and that she forgot. Dawson smugly replies, "It would seem so." Joey gives him a deadly look. Chris suggests hitting the hot tub and "chilling out a little bit," but Andie says they have chilled out enough and they need to focus. Then Chris spots Andie's copy of Jane. Ruh-roh (tm Wing)! Looks like everyone will have to take the purity test! And, fortunately, we didn't see this coming ages ago! Not! We did! Andie tries to keep everyone at the table, but Chris overrules her with, "Come on, Lieutenant. I vote for one last bonding event before we get back to academic torture," and heads for the living room while paging through the magazine, and everyone stupidly follows him. Gimme an N! Gimme an O! Gimme a T! What does it spell? NOT!
In the living room, Andie continues to boss everyone around by administering the quiz. Paper and pencils get handed out as Andie explains the rules, namely that they will take turns asking the 100 questions on the test, and write their answers down on a sheet. Pacey reads the first question: "Have you ever been intimately aroused by a relative? Oh, so it's a Southern test, huh?" Heh, heh -- did I mention that Pacey is starting to grow on me? Oh, and nice shout-out to the North Carolina shooting locale by the writers -- ouch! People read out various questions; when Chris reads a question ending, "In your parents' bed," Jen smirks as she scribbles. Dawson reads one about catching your parents having sex, and he smiles wryly. When Jen reads "number 69," everyone starts moaning and giggling. How high-school. Joey reads one about having sex with someone of the same sex, and I realize that we have seen neither Mitch "Queen of the No-Tell Motel" Leery, nor Jack "Still Not Gay Yet" McPhee, nor Abby "Proto-Sappho" Morgan, in this episode. Questions about transvestites and bestiality. Dawson reads one about paying for sex, and Chris quips, "Does dinner count?" Like, ha ha. Not. Oh, and also, shut up, Chris. Andie's question: "Have you ever fantasized about a friend's significant other?" Jen and Joey exchange a look, which makes no sense because I doubt they think of each other as friends, but whatever. Andie notes that the room has gotten quiet all of a sudden. More questions. Joey gets the hundredth question, and it rattles her: "Uh, have you ever been in love -- if so how many times, give yourself a point of purity for each time." Dawson looks intensely at Joey, but she looks away as everyone adds up their scores; Joey gets up and leaves the room as Dawson stares after her.
In the kitchen, Joey leafs through a book. Dawson comes in and Joey cuts him off before he can start an argument: "Not now, Dawson." Dawson says he saw the look on her face when she read the last question. Joey wants to know if he calls this "space." Dawson says she can go anytime but he doesn't see her "making a rush for the door." Joey came to study, she says, and didn't know Dawson would be there. Dawson: "Is it so awful that I'm here?" Joey: "No! Stop putting words into my mouth. I asked for time, Dawson, just time. Please respect that." Go, Joey. Oh, and Dawson? Shut up. As Joey leaves the kitchen, Chris's little sister Dina intones, "Issues. Dawson, right?" and introduces herself again "in case [Dawson] didn't remember." Dawson gives her a "whatever" look and asks where to find the coffee. Dina asks, "Drip or instant?" and when Dawson replies, "Drip," Dina snorts and says, "Appropriate." Excuse me a moment -- BA HA HAAAAA! Okay, sorry about that. Anyway, Dina wants Dawson to "fill her in on the details of [his] little love affair," but Dawson would rather not discuss it. Dina says, "You're right, Dawson. Why talk? People like you and me[sic], we can -- say everything with a look," and she gazes soggily at Dawson and wiggles her eyebrows, and a nonplused Dawson raises his gigantic eyebrows and looks for a way to escape. Number of suits filed by the producers of My So-Called Life for ripping off the plot from the "Weekend" episode, in which Danielle Chase had a crush on Brian Krakow: 1.
Back in the living room, Andie announces the final scores. Chris scored the lowest in purity, followed by Jen, then Joey and Dawson (who got the same score), and Andie got the highest score. Pacey braces himself, and sure enough, Andie realizes that Pacey didn't hand in his answer sheet. Andie asks why not, Pacey demurs, Andie tells him to "hand it over," and Chris interrupts, "You dog! This wouldn't have anything to do with number 16?" Andie doesn't get it. Pacey looks apprehensively at Andie as Chris explains that they "blew right past it" and that they should "read it again aloud." Jen tries to call him off, but Chris won't let it drop: "Let's just put an old rumor to rest right now." Pacey: "You know, Chris, is there anything redeeming about you other than your house?" Go, Pacey. Chris: "Ouch!" By now, Andie really wants to know what they're talking about, and when nobody speaks up, she looks it up herself, sees the "have you ever had sex with someone twice your age," and chirps innocently, "Oh, it's a joke, right?" Well, Andie, you'll have to take that up with the writers. Anyway, Pacey looks frightened as Chris says, "So it's true after all. Witter laid a pipe with Miss Jacobs." Where I come from, "laying a pipe" means something else entirely, but either way, Chris, shut up. Andie says quietly, "Miss Jacobs. The teacher who left Capeside." Pacey half-nods grimly. Andie, on the point of tears, reminds Pacey resentfully that he called himself "embarrassingly pure -- those were your words, right?" and hurries out of the room. Pacey gets up to follow her and meets Dawson's usual judgmental stare with an eye-roll. Altogether, decent acting in this scene, especially Joshua Jackson.
How much do I love that Old Navy performance fleece ad? No, really, I love the Johnny Blue Jeans-esque guy on the ski lift bopping up and down, and I love George and Weezy doing their motionless ski jump. [I am so glad Sars said that because I love that commercial too, and was afraid to admit it because it's so dorky. "Performance fleece? I'll see you at eight!" -- Wing Chun]
Over at the Chateau Loup hot tub, where Chris "In Sheep's Clothing, Except For The 'Clothing' Part" Wolf readies the seduction scene while clad in a weird Hefner-meets-HSN bathrobe-cum-sweatsuit garment. Dawson asks Chris where Pacey and Andie might have gone; Chris surmises that they have started "screwing around by now" because "everyone knows make-up sex is the best kind." Shut up, Chris. Dawson says he wouldn't know about that, and Chris reassures him that, judging from the way Dawson and Joey have been fighting, "there's bound to be some make-up sex in [Dawson's] future." Thank you, Chris, for reintroducing the mental image of Mr. Fruity Pebbles The Sexual Being, and by the way, do you think you could shut up? Chris then asks Dawson "how [he's] doing" with Jen, since Dawson used to go out with Jen and knows "how she thinks." Dawson observes that Chris has never had much trouble "attracting the opposite sex," but Chris says, "Jen's different. She's too with-it." Does Chris mean Jen Lindley? Anyway, Chris says that Jen "requires a completely different strategy." Dawson: "You mean sleeping with her." Chris: "No, I mean a heavy game of Uno." Shut up, Chris. Dawson, who apparently suffers from the delusion that, just because Jen didn't want to sleep with him, then Jen will not want to sleep with anyone, informs Chris with a mixture of envy and smugness, "It's not gonna happen." "We'll see," says Chris. Dawson asks Chris not to "take advantage" of Jen's current "vulnerable state," and Chris tells Dawson to relax, that they won't do anything "she's not looking forward to." Dawson, with a Nostril Flare Of Great Self-Satisfaction, says, "We'll see." Chris smarms, "Oh, it's proof you need," and points out a light in the guest house, which when turned off will indicate that Chris has taken it to the hoop with Jen. Chris then correctly predicts that Dawson will wind up "out here, alone." Dawson flares his nostrils defensively.
In an upstairs bedroom, Jen marvels at the brand-new bathing suits the Wolves keep on hand "just for visitors" and comments, "Nice digs." She asks Joey if she plans to "give in to a little hot-tub temptation," and Joey responds that she will just study. Jen keeps sorting through bikinis as she tells Joey, "You know, I really am sorry about you and Dawson. I mean, I know that you may not believe it," and Joey gives her an icy stare and interrupts with, "You know, you're right, I don't," and Jen sarcastically thanks Joey for "making [their] conversation just as delightful as ever," and Joey sarcastically shrugs and goes back to reading, saying, "Any time." Jen says that she always thought their "mutual feelings for Dawson" kept them apart, and she never considered that Joey might just "be a bitch." Joey looks taken aback as a pre-crying Jen stuffs the swimsuits into a drawer, and she apologizes to Jen for "be[ing] so harsh," but she has gotten "so sick of talking all the time." Joey just wants to follow her feelings and not discuss it constantly and "run it into the ground." Jen listens grudgingly with her arms folded as Joey gets up and asks, "Don't you just want to have something left, to just experience?" Joey leans on a railing; Jen leans beside her and says, "As much as anyone," and they look at one another and apparently have a moment of empathy, even though I don't really get what Joey means by "to just experience," and I thought they might hug or something, but they didn't. Memo to the writers: do Joey and Jen get along, or don't they? Make up your minds.
Andie sits in a swing crying, probably wishing she had just gone home but not wanting to embarrass herself further by going back for her books. Pacey comes up behind her: "I was beginning to think you had walked all the way home." Andie asks why Pacey didn't tell her about TaMAHra; Pacey says that it "never really came up." Not a bad point, that, but Andie doesn't think so: "No good, Pacey -- it did, and you lied." Pacey tries to reason with her, wondering, like the rest of us, what Andie expected him to say. Andie suggests something along the lines of "before you fall for me, Andie, I slept with my teacher." Pacey laughs this off with, "Yeah, right," and Andie says, "It's not a joke, okay, it's serious. And despite your braggart tendencies, Pacey, it's not exactly an admirable event." Judgmental much? Pacey gives her a look and says, "That's not fair, Andie. You're judging me, and you don't even know the circumstances. Besides, I slept with her, not you." Like, yeah, really. As Pacey sits down to her, Andie wants to know why he would do it, and Pacey answers, "Sex," and Andie scornfully assumes "there were no feelings involved," and Pacey patiently answers, "Of course there were feelings involved -- you asked why." Andie doesn't want to know anymore and says, "You're not like that." Pacey, incredulous: "Of course I'm like that. I'm a sexual creature [no comment], Andie, and so are you," and asks her why she thinks they talk about it and joke about it and take tests about it all the time. Andie says that's different and "completely innocent," but Pacey finds that absurd: "The test was about sex, and sex is never innocent. It's intense, it's passionate, and sometimes it can be life-altering, but it's never innocent, Andie." Well said, Pacey, and I grudgingly give snaps to the writers for their realistic treatment of the icky weirdness when one person in a couple has had sex and the other one hasn't yet. Andie won't make eye contact with Pacey; Pacey looks down at Andie sort of tenderly and says he's sorry if this changes the way Andie feels about him, but he can't change that, and "if things are going to continue between [them]," Andie will just "have to accept that." Andie looks up at him, then looks away, and Pacey walks off towards the house. Pretty well-written, very well-acted scene; however, number of people on Cape Cod sitting on outdoor swings in t-shirts at this time of year: 0.
Inside, Chris calls up to Jen that the hot tub is "ready." Jen comes down in a blue bathrobe as Dawson rounds a corner and says, "Dawson -- what, you're not going in?" Dawson wants to talk to Jen, and tells her, "I'm worried Chris doesn't exactly have the best intentions here." Uh duh, Dawson, and, um, Dawson? Shut up. Jen: "Tell me something I don't know." Dawson, worried that everyone will get laid tonight except him, tells Jen that Chris plans to sleep with her tonight. Jen tells Dawson that, given Chris's status as a sixteen-year-old guy, yes, she assumes "he's got some sort of agenda." Go, Jen, especially for turning that condescending tone of voice around on Count Chocula for a change. Dawson asks, "And you're okay with that?" Jen snaps, "Just because he has some sort of master plan doesn't mean that I've gotta go along with it." As Dawson stammers "okay," Jen continues, "And for that matter, why do you assume that I don't have a plan of my own?" and leaves Dawson standing there choking on his so-called concern. I would like to welcome Jen to the land of vertebrates. [Word. I loved that scene, and Jen kicked a great deal of ass in it. -- Wing Chun]
As Jen walks off, Dina says, "Psst -- gorgeous!" to Dawson. Gimme an E! Gimme a W! What does it spell? EW! Dawson asks her if she hides "in the vents." Heh. Dina says, "So you dated both of 'em, huh?" Dawson says she certainly does "her research." Dina: "So, which one's the one?" Dawson looks confused until Dina reminds him of his answer on the test, and asks, "So, is it Cameron Diaz or Julia Roberts?" No comment. Well, maybe one comment -- shut up, Dina. Dawson demands to know how she got his test; Dina holds up a sheaf of answer sheets, and Dawson tries to grab them, but she runs part-way up the stairs and says, "Not so fast! I have one you'll want much more," and holds up a sheet that Dawson identifies as "Joey's?" Dina notes that Joey "puts a little smiley face in her "o"s, which sort of makes Dina want to puke, and which Joey as characterized would obviously never do in the first place. [Yeah; when Dina said that I assumed that meant that she had Andie's answer sheet, since that is the kind of thing Andie might do. -- Wing Chun] Dawson wants to see it, but Dina again says, "Not so fast -- this toll has a fee," and purses her lips like a fish so that Dawson can kiss her. Bleh. Dawson tells her that won't happen. An offended Dina then reveals Joey's answer to the last question: "It seems while you've only been in love once, according to you-know-who's answer sheet she's been in love twice." Dina brushes past Dawson with a victorious smirk. Number of times Dina got whacked with the ugly stick: 10.
In the hot tub, Chris and Jen share a giggle. Jen thinks they should get back to studying; Chris tells her, "Relax -- we're in a hot tub. Studying is not permitted." Please, please, please, I beg of you, shut up, Chris. Shot of Jen's steamed-dumpling cleavage; shot of Chris's dorky pendant. Jen and Chris start kissing. Their lips smack together. Bleh. Jen stops Chris and asks, "What if I don't want to mess around?" Chris pseudo-chivalrously responds, "Then we won't. I'm not a bad guy -- I just want to have fun." For some reason, this answer doesn't make Jen barf, and she asks in a husky voice, "Well, tell me, Christopher Robin [no comment], what is your idea of fun?" Chris says, "This," and kisses her again before asking, "So Jen, are we on the same page?" Jen says, "Same page," and they start making out in earnest. Shut up, Chris. And give your cheesy lines back to the frat boy you borrowed them from. And don't let your mother cut your hair ever again. And shut up.
Dawson watches Jen and Chris making out from the kitchen window; behind him, Joey studies. Andie storms past Pacey on the porch and into the house. Dawson asks Pacey if Andie is okay; Pacey says she'll be fine, she just wants to be alone right now. Dawson asks why Pacey didn't just write "no." Pacey says he didn't want to lie to Andie, and asks Dawson what he would have done. Dawson wants to think he would have answered honestly, but says, "I seem to have trouble saying a lot of things lately, you know?" Pacey claps Dawson on the shoulder and says, "You know what? Try harder." I don't really get that, but I think Dawson got dissed, and I don't need to know more than that. Dawson looks out the window again, then goes back out on the porch, where Joey has moved (?) with her books. Joey tells him she doesn't want to talk anymore tonight, she just wants to get some studying done. Dawson doesn't hear this and launches into "Joey, I thought what we had was special." Joey stares at him in disbelief and says she's serious -- she doesn't want to discuss anything but their midterm. Dawson confronts her with her "twice" answer; Joey says disgustedly, "You looked at my test?" Dawson denies doing that because he got in so much trouble with the journal incident, but "Chris's little sister was kind enough to impart that information." As Joey grimaces, Dawson tries to keep her focused on the important topic of himself, pleading, "Joey, you said that I was your world -- when did you have time to fall in love with guy number two? I refuse to believe that you're shallow enough to fall in love with Jack," blah blah blah fishcakes, at which point Joey shouts at him to "stop this," and that she doesn't know, and why they can't go back to "the way things were" and "just being friends," and Dawson asks if she really wants that, and she yells, "Yes!" and Dawson says, "After everything we've been through, you just want to go back to being friends?" and Joey firmly says, "Yes," and Dawson, practically in tears, tells her that if she can't understand why that can't happen, if she doesn't get that, she doesn't get him, and Joey just closes her eyes and goes inside. Behind Dawson, Dina starts clapping and says, "Very emotional -- Oscar-nominating [sic]. Really." She snidely asks if Dawson is crying. Dawson rounds on her and asks if she wanted a kiss, and does she know what goes along with that, "repercussions" blah blah blah "it doesn't just end with a fade-out" blah blah blah "hearts get broken, friendships get ruined" blah blah blah "just do yourself a favor -- don't rush it," and by this time Dawson has gotten right up in Dina's face, and Dina starts crying and pushes past him into the house, and when he turns around to watch her go, he sees Joey staring at him in shock from the doorway. Joey makes a little "uch" sound and walks off, and Dawson does his patented Bad Blocking 101 running-of-hands-through-hair-in-dismay and frustrated-flapping-of-arms, and he looks at the hot tub, now empty, and at the guest house, now darkened, and he and his Old Navy chinos sit down on the steps in despair. Excuse me while I arrange the shipping of a stepladder to Chateau Loup so that Dawson can get over himself.
K-Mart and Garth Brooks -- no comment.
Joey knocks on the door of Dina's room as Dina sulks in bed. Dina: "What do you want?" Joey: "To hang out with the only sane individual here." Joey shares some home truths with Dina about growing up, kisses, and boys, i.e., to wit, and viz.: "Growing up sucks, not all kisses are magic, and most boys do not live up to your expectations." Thank you, Joey, for that depressingly accurate insight into the true nature of adolescence. But Joey also mentions the moments when everything falls into place sometimes, and gives Dina a reassuring hug.
Dawson, brooding on the porch. At a loss, he picks up Joey's book and starts reading it. Cut to the morning, where Dawson has fallen asleep with the book on his chest and morning has dawned; he comes to, realizes what happened, and staggers indoors to wake the rest of the gang. Inside, Joey and her Wonder Bra have passed out on a couch, Andie has passed out on a couch, and Pacey has passed out on the pool table. Don't these people have parents? Okay, hello, number of times my parents would ever have allowed me to stay at a friend's house on a school night the night before a major exam: 0, 0, 0! Andie wakes up and starts freaking out really annoyingly as Pacey massages his leg and tells Andie to chill. Fade to the guest house, where Chris has gotten out of bed and started dressing; Jen "Pig In A Blanket" Lindley (tm owen) stretches and yawns. Did they have sex or not? I fear that they did. Chris bids Jen good morning without meeting her eye and says they should get downstairs. Jen fixes him with a smoldering look and tries to seem alluring in spite of a championship case of bedhead, and Chris kisses her quickly, although Jen clearly wants more, and says, "Thank you." Jen, as the camera pans over the bedside table and its so so too-much-information condom wrappers: "For what?" Chris, glibly: "For a very fun night." Notice the singular form of the word "night." Notice also that I haven't told Chris to shut up yet -- sorry about that. Shut up, Chris. Jen offers to get dressed and come down with him, but Chris hurriedly tells her to take her time, and he books on out of there. Jen closes her eyes in shame. Number of hours ago Grams must have changed the locks on Jen's wayward ass: 5.
Downstairs, Pacey takes charge of the studying process, introducing an "abbreviated version" of Andie's lesson plan. Andie, who has entered diet-pill withdrawal, tries to tweak out again; Pacey, beating me to the punch, basically tells her to shut up. But what the hell -- shut up, Andie. Pacey the "professional crammer" then quizzes the gang on points of literature in a keeeee-RAZY (and very John Hughes-esque) montage -- in the kitchen while making toast, in the backyard, on the stairs (where they try to remember the name of the race of giants in "Gulliver's Travels" and can't pronounce "Brobdingnagian," and either Wing or I referred to Dawson's head as "Brobdingnagian" in a recent Wrap, so Mr. Williamson, we'll wait for that check), by the pool, in the living room, Beowulf, Chaucer, the Bronte sisters, Hamlet, and I hope the writers don't forget to return that Norton Anthology to the library. [I would like to add here that I was answering all the questions they were asking, out loud, in my home, until Glark rightly mocked me, and congratulated me and my two degrees in English literature for being able to pass a grade eleven English test. Heh. I have problems. -- Wing Chun]
Then Pacey announces "one last group activity," and as the pseudo-ska of Save Ferris blares in the background to denote kooky fun, the whole gang jumps into the pool. In slo-mo. In Cape Cod. IN NOVEMBER. Dawson does a flip into the pool. Color me not very impressed. As Andie and Pacey clamber out of the pool, Andie compliments Pacey on the way he "took control in there." Pacey has on a soaking-wet wife-beater, and his body looks -- god help me -- pretty good. Andie wants to explain something to Pacey, and Pacey says they don't have to talk about it anymore, but Andie says she does have to. As "the queen of keeping dirty secrets," Andie understands why he didn't "jump forward with the information," and admits that the fact that he had "so much experience" sort of shocked her, and she says, "And I," but before she can say "don't," Pacey finishes for her, "Will." Andie calls Pacey a jerk and they start their non-sexual non-tension bickering as they go up the steps, and Pacey calls Andie "the girl that I love to hate," and Andie sweetly says, "I love to hate you too," and they start kissing. Aw. Or something.
Dawson comes into the laundry room as Joey folds people's clothes. He asks if they can talk. Joey starts to object, then says, "Sure." As they go into the kitchen, Dawson asks her not to say anything until he finishes talking, because every time they've tried to talk, he's messed it up. He says that he's thought a lot lately about how much he wants to "take back" their first kiss, and how much he wishes he had just let her "climb through that window." Joey stares at him resentfully as he wonders aloud what would have happened if they hadn't kissed -- whether they might have stayed friends, whether "[Joey would] still have a thing for [him]." Conceited much? Anyway, every time Dawson wishes he could take back the kiss, then he thinks about "everything that kiss brought into [his] life." As Joey smiles sadly, Dawson describes "what it was like to look at you and know not just what you were thinking, but also what you were feeling, because I was feeling the same thing. And then it's all worth it. It's worth all the pain that I'm going through. I want to regret kissing you, Joey, but I can't. It was the smartest decision I ever made." It pains me to admit this, but James Van Der Beek actually did an okay job with this speech. Joey explains that she answered "twice" on that question because she fell in love with Dawson twice. Oh, barf -- why does Joey always backtrack when Dawson finds out something private about her? Couldn't she have said she fell in love with someone in eighth grade or something? Anyway, she explains that the fact that they broke up doesn't change her feelings for him -- she doubts herself, not him. Dawson promises to give her the space she wants, but that doesn't change the way he feels about her, because "nothing could change that." File this scene under "Dawson and Joey break up some more" (tm xix). As Dawson gets ready to leave, he spots Dina sleeping on a couch and kisses her tenderly on the forehead, and after he leaves the room, Dina grins. Gimme a SPEE! Gimme a YACK! What does it spell? SPEEYACK!
The gang piles into Chris's Suburban, which has a surfboard strapped to the top. As if. Jen sits in the front seat, and somehow her bedhead survived the morning swim. As if. They head to school, only to find that their teacher has again bagged on them and rescheduled the exam. Joey wonders what they should do now. Andie of course thinks they should go to their other classes, but Pacey once again overrides her with "one last group activity," and as I recall, the swim 'n' ska moment represented the last group activity, as did the purity test, but anyway, they all go out to the football field and take a nap on the school logo in the middle, instead of changing their clothes, or calling their parents, or getting shooed off after five minutes by a sadistic and bored phys ed teacher. Gimme an AS! Gimme an IF! What does it spell? AS IF! Well, at least I didn't have to tell Chris to shut up in this scene. But it probably couldn't hurt. Shut up, Chris.