The Reluctant Hero

S02E08

Shout out to owen, bstewart, and Sars.

So Dawson, with slightly better hair, welcomes us to the WB Wednesday. Previews. Disclaimer. Previously on Dawson's Creek. Fishcakes.

Open on a TV in the Sanctum Dawsonorum (tm Sars) showing some Jimmy Stewart movie. Pan across the Sanctum to reveal Pacey "Hedgehog Head" Witter at the desk picking at a pizza and asking Dawson "Tintin" Leery (who is sitting pyjamaed on his bed) for the crushed peppers. Dawson throws the shaker at Pacey and tells him, "you're driving me crazy." Pacey defends himself by saying he's a hungry person. Dawson counters that Pacey is "an annoying person," and not to get all Dina on him but TAKES ONE TO KNOW ONE, Dawson, as you take a sip of product-placed Pepsi and try to concentrate on the movie. Pacey says he's a bored person: "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington, Dawson? Come on, it's in black and white!" Dawson answers, "It's a Frank Capra classic" like nice conventional movie tastes, Big D. Pacey says, "Buncha dead people in it. Everybody in this movie is decomposing somewhere. It's morbid! Y'know, we got this whole section at the video store; it's called 'New Releases.' You should check it out." Dawson starts to get agitated and says, "Pacey, this is a timeless tale about a man faced with his heroic nature," in a line that made no sense at all and is in fact just a bunch of significant-sounding words strung together without any logical arrangement. Dawson, you are not a failing second-year university English student at 3:00 AM the day a big paper is due. Please don't bother trying to impress Pacey, who answers, "You know, I can't really connect with the whole wholesome and morally [sic] ground; that's more your style, Dawson. Who you are," and that didn't make a lot of sense either but at least it got a bit closer than whatever blather was coming out of Dawson's sorry mouth. Dawson suspiciously asks, "Are you insulting me?" Pacey answers no: "You're an endangered species, my friend! The last of a dying breed. And this movie is killing you softly with its song." Oh, for God's sake. Okay, Kevin Williamson, we know you know a lot about pop culture. Please give us a damn break. Dawson squints at Pacey and says, "You are insulting me." Pacey insists, "No, I'm stating the obvious. You take in stray dogs, Dawson. You help old women across the street. You 'just say no.' You are Jimmy Stewart!" I have to interject here that in fact Dawson is not Jimmy Stewart anymore than was Tom Hanks, the last person erroneously identified as Jimmy Stewart's latest incarnation. Jimmy Stewart was Jimmy Stewart. Slightly naïve, apparently upstanding, soft-hearted men are not necessarily Jimmy Stewart. Enough, already. ["Jimmy Stewart was also pretty cute and a good actor, neither of which you can say about Dawson/Van Der Beek." -- Sars] Dawson asks, "What does that make you?" Pacey sends out the first invitation to his pity party and answers, "The needless waste. Born to walk in the shadows of greater men." "Somebody's having a self-esteem crisis," observes Dawson. I have never heard any straight guy refer to any of his guy friends as "somebody" in that way. The only people who do that are girls, mothers, and gay men. You know it and I know it. Pacey says, "No, no, no. On the contrary, my friend. Knowledge is power. I'm quite happy with my below-average status."

Before Dawson can give Pacey his patented "Buck Up, Little Camper" routine, Jen "Marinated Pork Chops" Lindley climbs in through the window saying, "I dropped my purse in your hedge; remind me tomorrow. [Indecipherable] in here. Hey, Pacey," all while crawling onto Dawson's bed and collapsing on it, width-wise instead of length-wise. ["Nope, nothing Freudian about that image selection...although if purse = vagina and hedge = mons pubis, I'm a little confused. Anyhow." -- Sars] Dawson gazes bemusedly at her. "Looks like you've got company," says Pacey. "Third time this week," Dawson replies. "Come here, help me out," he adds, moving toward Jen's feet and taking her boots off. Pacey says, "Once again, hero Dawson to the rescue." Dawson tells him to shut up. Pacey says, "It's not exactly the ideal situation...too bad for you." Jen starts groaning, sits up a little and says she thinks she's going to be sick. Dawson grabs a garbage pail and positions it under her face. There's a beat before she exhales loudly and says it was a false alarm, lying down again. "I don't know what to do with her; she's spiralling," says Dawson, as usual not sounding like any high school student anywhere ever has since the dawn of time. Pacey says, "Maybe you should just finish watching the movie. Jimmy Stewart would know what to do," and if the theme of this episode is that Dawson=Jimmy Stewart, I will be sick -- and I'm not even that big a Jimmy Stewart fan.

Credits roll. Our sponsor this evening is Taco Bell. Then we get an ad for Home Fries starring, appropriately enough, the one and only Lispy Potatoface. Then there was a kind of okay ad for Tekken 3, which is a damn cool game. Then the only Buddy Lee ad that doesn't bug me too much: "Buddy Lee is Buddy Lee in Buddy Lee, Man of Action." Then there's an ad for liquid, concealer and powder in one, from Cover Girl. Whatever. Tyra Banks is weird-looking, in my opinion.

Establishing shots of what doesn't look to my uninformed eye the way Massachusetts should in late November. Then we're in the kitchen of the No-Fault Hacienda (tm Sars) where the Flash sits at the table reading the paper and drinking something in a mug. Dawson strides in and asks, "What are you doing here?" The Flash says he's packing some thing and moving out, and says he was going to ask if Dawson could help him later: "Then I thought we could go grab a bite to eat, spend some time -- do like a friend thing?" and it's a sad day indeed when the Flash sounds more like a teenager than any of the so-called kids do. Dawson says, "Um, sure. Might have to skip on the friend thing, though; I kind of have real friends for that." At least, I think that's what he said, because the sound guy was in one of the bedrooms at Todd's house setting up the forty-seven lip mics for later (read on and all will be explained).

The Flash says, "Look, Dawson, I know this isn't easy for you, and that you're disappointed in me. And, believe me, I wish that things could be different, but --" "They're not," Dawson concludes for him. "I'm trying, here, Dawson," says the Flash. Dawson says nothing, just tosses an apple in the air and catches it. Um, you may want to cut back on the Frank Capra movies, D. "See you after school, then?" the Flash asks. "Sure," says Dawson, and trucks toward the door. "Oh, before I forget, I grabbed this by accident when I was picking up my mail yesterday," and hands him an envelope. Dawson snatches it and, apropos of nothing, explodes into pissiness: "I don't really know what you expect from me, but this isn't a transition I'm particularly thrilled to make. If you really want what's best for this family, I don't see how you [sic] moving out is a step in the right direction." The Flash reminds him, "That's my decision to make, not yours." "I see," sniffs Dawson.

Then we see Dawson going through the porch and out the front door of the Hacienda. He turns the envelope over, looks at the sender, and excitedly rips it open. Reading the contents, he starts cackling incredulously, and rushes away.

Shout out to owen, bstewart, and Sars.

So Dawson, with slightly better hair, welcomes us to the WB Wednesday. Previews. Disclaimer. Previously on Dawson's Creek. Fishcakes.

Over at Capeside High School, we get a voice-over of some bored, cranky authoritative man saying, "Witter, Pacey," instantly making me think it's a guidance counsellor. The guy continues (from inside, now): "Grade point average 1.7 [ouch!], currently failing Biology, and U.S. History. Extra-curricular interests: none. Tendency to be disruptive in class. Has difficulty with tests requiring a number 2 pencil. Let's see, here: Career Aptitude Test? I didn't realize that it was possible to fail an aptitude test. This shows that you have absolutely zero career objectives." Yeah, like you're one to talk; you're a guidance counsellor (and yes, I know they're an easy target, but there is a good reason for that). "Congratulations," continues Mr. Bitter, "most people with your academic record can't walk upright." Surely that kind of psychological battering is in violation of some school regulations; I mean, I never thought I'd say this but I really think that Pacey deserves better. Sure, he's obviously lazy, but he's not a bad kid, and this guidance counsellor is not behaving in a very professional way if he takes such sadistic pleasure in Pacey's difficulties. (This is not to say that I objected to the behaviour of the English teacher last week; at least teachers do generally have cause for their hopeless attitude: hard experience.) But I digress. Pacey shrugs and asks what his options are. Evil Guidance Dude answers, "Summer school. Followed by a return engagement of your sophomore year. And if, by some miracle, you make it to graduation, a life of leisure. Until welfare reform kicks in, that is." MAN! Someone call Superintendent Chalmers on this guy. Poor Pacey doesn't even have the self-confidence to glare at Evil Guidance Dude, but just gazes downward, licks his lips, and generally looks dismayed. "What?" says Evil Guidance Dude. "No witty comeback? Now I'm really disappointed in you, Pacey." Pacey throws his head back and groans. I am organizing an angry mob to go set Evil Guidance Dude's house on fire. Who's with me?

Then we get Dawson excitedly running down the hall calling to Joey "Archie or Reggie?" Potter, who, when he catches up with her, looks alarmed. He tells her they won, "The Boston Film Festival: we won the Jurors' Prize for the Best Short Film in the Junior division." Um, first of all, yeah right. Second of all, whoever wrote this episode should have put a whole lot more conditions on that award, like maybe "Best Short Film in the Junior division among Directors with Bad Dye Jobs originating on Cape Cod and featuring a Porcine Performer in a Leading Role." Anyway, whatever, I will TRY to believe that horrible film won anything outside the Razzies, as will Joey who gets excited too, as Dawson reads from the letter: "'The clever send-up of the horror genre shows a profound understanding of the traditional Hollywood machinations [except that Dawson pronounces it "massinations"] and turns them upside-down in an entirely refreshing and entertaining way,'" and I really doubt an official letter like that would use adjectives so indiscriminately and excessively, but if I'm suspending my disbelief that far, I guess it can be suspended that little bit more. Joey grins a little scarily. Dawson reads on: "'Writer-Director Dawson Leery and Producer Joey Potter have been allotted a budget of $2500 toward their project,'" and I think they'd call it a grant or an award, and not a budget but WHATEVER. And Dawson reiterates for Joey, whom I guess he thinks is not so bright, "It's a cheque for $2500 to finance our movie. We've already been pre-accepted into their winter workshop." Joey looks dismayed, and certainly less excited than Dawson, and says, "We?" "Yeah," says Dawson. "I mean, I understand that we said we'd give each other space and I totally respect that" like NO YOU DON'T "but I was wondering, I mean, hoping, that you'd still produce. Think about it; we could actually rent equipment. Say goodbye to halogen lamp lighting or shopping-cart dollies. And if we move fast we could get it finished by the summer, maybe travel with it to other festivals," and I hope Joey is seeing what I do -- that Dawson's plans are pitifully unrealistic -- but is trying to spare his feelings by telling him, "Dawson, I'm really sorry, but I don't think I can do it. I mean, I don't think I have the time right now. I just signed up for some art classes, and between work and school --" "We made such a great team!" Dawson says, even more pitifully. Joey nods sadly, but says nothing. Dawson recovers as quickly as he can and says he understands. Joey says, "Listen, this is amazing, you should be thrilled. It's incredible." Dawson stammers a bit and answers that he is, and then takes off, presumably to go nurse his fragile ego. Joey gazes distressedly after him for a moment until Jack "Not Wanted at the Orgy" McPhee comes up behind her and asks if she's got a second. She says she's late for second period. Jack says he wants to make things right between them: "It was a full moon." Somewhere, Sars sticks a fork in her eye. "I know that's no excuse, but I'm really sorry. Just tell me what I gotta do to get our friendship back on track here, because this whole silent treatment thing is killing me." Joey says she hasn't been giving him the silent treatment, but that she's trying to figure things out. Jack says she's been avoiding him like he's got some kind of disease. I can attest to the fact that he's giving me a rash, but Joey insists that she's just had a lot on her mind lately. Jack: "So you're not mad at me." Joey: "I think you had it right the night of the dance. Um, more than anything I guess I was mad at myself." Jack: Oh, well, then, you know, get over it already. This whole inner personal turmoil thing, it just kinda wrinkles up your forehead." Both: "chuckle." Wing Chun: "Please shut up, both of you." Jack: "Besides, I miss hanging out with you." Bell: "Ring." Joey: "Gotta go." Jack: "Yeah, see ya." Wing Chun: "WHATEVER."

In the cafeteria, Dawson is pecking at the keyboard of a pretty top-of-the-line-looking notebook computer which looks better than the one I am writing on at this very moment. And, okay, I admit that I am not in high school now, nor have I been for some time, but when I was in university occasionally you'd see the odd person using what was then called a "laptop" computer in class, and everyone would hate that person and assume that he or she was a pretentious jerk, which was usually the case, and is here as well with Dawson who pays no attention to Jen as she approaches until she says hey, and even then all he says is, "How's the hangover?" like how about a hello, or how about looking at her for longer than a split second, or can't you spare the energy as you swim across LAKE SUPERIOR? Jen says, "Post-Advil, it's fine. So, what are you writing?" Dawson flicks his eyes back at her to answer, "A script." "Really, that's great," says Jen. "Yeah," says Dawson, "great, and, funded," and hands her the letter. She reads it and marvels, "Twenty-five hundred dollars? Dawson, you won. You actually won?" And I guess Dawson does have time to talk to Jen as long as they're talking about him because she actually looks at her and smugly answers, "Yeah. Yeah, I did." Jen says, "Congratulations, I am so proud of you," and smiles quite nicely and sincerely at him. Aw. "Well, thank you!" beams Dawson. "So how does it feel to be the star of an award-winning film?" and, okay, it's all well and good to crow a little when you get something like this, but take it down a notch, Dawson, because there is such a thing as modesty, and you'd do well to at least learn how to fake it. Jen says, "An honour. Although time, I would like to request that you extend my dialogue beyond 'help' and 'aaahhh'." Dawson says, "It's a deal."

Quick cut to Pacey and Andie in the cafeteria line, as Pacey is in the process of telling Andie, "And then he tells me that I've got no future that doesn't involve the fast-food industry," and actually, he didn't even say that, as I recall. Andie says, "And he's called a guidance counsellor." "Yeah, amongst other things," says Pacey as they move toward a table. Andie says, "Just because a student doesn't fit into some cookie-cutter mold that the public school system deems acceptable, they're ready to write him off? I mean, Einstein failed the second grade, and not because he was stupid, but because he was bored, and the incompetency [sic] of inferior [sic] public school system failed to recognize it [I don't know that there was a "public" school system as such in place when Einstein was in the second grade, but whatever]." At this point, fellow cafeteria patrons are starting to stare at Andie, who is working herself into something of a lather. "You know, they'd rather just dismiss someone who is in obvious need of some guidance, rather than reach out to him. I mean, if someone along the way had just taken two seconds to notice, to care, they would have realized that you needed to be rescued, not ridiculed." After her dramatic finish, Pacey announces, "Ladies and gentlemen, Andie McPhee." There is a small round of applause. Andie looks sheepish.

In another part of the cafeteria Chris "Never Cry" Wolf approaches Jen while sporting another lame-o choker quite similar, now that I really look, to Dawson's. Note to Wardrobe: It is no longer 1991. Necklaces on teenage boys are not happening. Some other guy with a receding hairline stands in the background. Chris says, "Lindley." Jen says, "Hey guys, I was looking for you earlier." Dawson looks uncomfortable and starts right in judging her. No, he doesn't say anything, but I can tell. "Impressive showing last night," says Chris. "I'm surprised to see you here." "Well, I recuperated well," says Jen. Dawson pecks away at his computer, studiously ignoring the dissolute youth. "Hey Dawson," says Chris. "What's up, Chris," Dawson stiffly replies. Pleasantries dispatched, Chris turns all 20 watts of his charm on Jen and starts massaging her shoulders while telling her, "I am on a mission. Todd here is having a P-A-R-tee tonight -" "Kegs and eggs," interjects Todd. "Party till breakfast." "Not," interrupts Sars. "Not, not, NOT." Dawson glances discreetly, and judgmentally, at Jen and Chris. "We're just getting the word out," says Chris to Jen. "Well, you know that you can sign me up," says Jen. Chris says he'll see her there, and he and Todd leave. Dawson glares at their departing figures, and asks Jen, "So, what's your deal with them?" Jen says they've just been hanging out. Dawson starts to answer, and Jen cuts him off: "Come on, Dawson, save me the character dissection. And while we're at it, why don't you come with me?" Dawson chuckles derisively and says, "Well, let's see. We've got script-writing career advancement on one side [that is a matter of opinion, young man], useless drunk oblivion on the other. That's a tough call." Jen suddenly gets very defensive and says, "Don't judge me, Dawson." He makes a gesture of innocence and befuddlement, like, spare me, Dawson, you know exactly what you said. "You don't want to go, don't go; that's fine, all right? But just because I am finally enjoying myself you don't have to treat me like I've been lost to the other side, okay? And I'm not out of control, all I'm doing is having fun, all right, it's a simple three-letter word, fun, F-U-N." "I didn't say a word, Jen," Dawson protests innocently. That's not what I heard, Amish-boy. Jen breathes heavily and looks upset.

Back with Andie and Pacey, Andie is saying that it's not funny, and that his future hangs in the balance, and that his lack of nervousness makes her nervous. He answers with more bravado that now that his reputation as the village idiot has been documented, he feels like a weight has been lifted. She says that if he acts like a joke, people will treat him that way. Pacey says, "You've finally figured it out. I'm not Luke Skywalker; I'm not even Luke Perry. There's no hero here, Andie; I am a joke." Andie says that she's "not coming to [his] pity party" and that he knows she doesn't think he's a jerk. Pacey says it's too late for him. Andie says he can break the chain and reinvent himself. He says he doesn't know how. She says he should start from the inside, and that anyone can change their fate, and a lot of other Oprah Make the Connection blather. "Heroes are made, not born." Pacey chuckles. Cut to commercial.

Cuba Gooding Jr., could you please cut back to one bowl of crack per day? Thanks. Anonymous guy in Gap commercial singing about New Year's Eve, first of all who are you, and second, could you please open your mouth when you sing your whiny-ass song? Thanks. Then there's a commercial for the Ford Explorer featuring Andie in the driver's seat and some guy with a ratty, skanky red hat on the passenger side. Not sure if he's a Jack or a Pacey to her, but whatever. Let's just say that as an actor, Meredith Monroe does not have a great deal of range.

Back in the cafeteria, Jack with Joey goes into a very lame-ass thing where he pretends the cafeteria is a fancy restaurant, and describes all the food fancy-waiter style. Whatever. He asks what Joey's doing that night, and she says the usual, then goes into a similar patter about her driver, and a massage, and dinner aboard her yacht, blah blah blah fishcakes. He says he can get them reservations at "William's," then clarifies that he means that hot dog vendor Billy down at some wharf. Joey: "You mean like a date?" Jack: "More like a dat." Oh man. I really can't go on with this; it's just too asinine, but basically a dat is like a date without the pressure and fishcakes. Jack: "The only requirement is that we have a great time. Oh, and don't worry, 'cause I checked out the lunar calendar. No full moon for weeks." Joey laughs and says okay and goes away. I go lie down, because both of them are so very tiresome.

Jack sits down with Andie and Pacey and tells Andie that he has a date with Joey. Andie says, "That's great!" Pacey looks uncomfortable. Andie says, "What?" Jack tells Pacey he's sorry, and that he knows Dawson is a friend of his. Pacey says it's okay, and that Jack should leave Pacey out of it. Jack says he knows it's his "night with mom --" and Andie says it's okay because she has to study anyway. Pacey corrects her and says, "We have to stay in and study." Andie tells Jack that "Mom" is the responsibility of both of them and that "with this new medication she's on, she's doing so much better." Jack says, "Andie, come on. Mom pulled another Sybil last week. Let's be honest with each other." Andie shrugs him off, saying he should go out with Joey: "Everything's under control. I've got it all under control." I will say right now that Andie will probably be revealed at some point to have deep control issues and that possibly her very perky demeanour and scholastic over-achievement are the result of a speed addiction. You heard it here first.

Then we're at Bessie's Bastard Barn where Joey is putting a cardigan on over a plaid spaghetti-strapped top as she hears a knock at the door and sees it's Dawson. She asks what he's doing there. He gives her half the prize money and tells her she can use it for art classes. She says she can't accept it because it's for his movie. He says he wants her to have it. She looks suspicious. He says, "Joey, my intentions here are honourable. I'm not asking for anything in return. Except that you be happy." Joey admits that she could use the money, and thanks him. Dawson says, "I believe in you, Joey. I always have." She smiles and thanks him and bites her lip nervously, no doubt painfully aware that EVEN NOW Jack is on his way over. Dawson picks up on it, apparently, because he asks, "Are you going somewhere?" Joey says, "Oh no, just hanging out with a friend." Seems odd that, having known each other for...ever, she wouldn't just identify the friend by name, since what friend does she have that Dawson wouldn't know about? Dawson says, "Oh, okay," almost under his breath, as if checking that on some internal list, and then says at normal volume, "So I'll, um, I guess I'll see you around," and starts to leave, but Joey immediately calls him back and says not "That friend is Jack, just so you know and so that you're not weird about it later," but "You think things could get back to normal between us, and we could just be friends again?" Dawson says, "I'd like that, yeah." Joey says, "Okay." Dawson starts to go again, but Joey adds, "And, um, you know, whatever kind of movie you decide to make, I know it will be great." Dawson answers, "I'm thinking of doing a love story. You know, boy meets girl, boy gets girl, boy loses girl, boy gets girl back," like, yes, we are aware of what comprises a love story, dillweed. Joey breathes, "Dawson..." He says, "You know me; I'm a sucker for happy endings." They gaze awkwardly at each other for a second, then Joey indicates the cheque and says, "Well, thank you," like, "We're done here; go away now," and Dawson turns, smiling, only to see Jack coming around the corner looking warily in Dawson's direction. Dawson stomps down the stairs and gets right in Jack's face. Jack says hey. Dawson glares, and says hey back. Joey closes her eyes, apparently in regret. Then Jack comes up onto the porch and he and Joey exchange heys. Joey invites him in, then watches as Dawson stomps down to his boat in the creek.

Then we're at the Flashelor Pad as Dawson carries a box of Flash stuff into what is a pretty lame-ass looking loft apartment garishly painted in primary colours and with a bunch of exposed brick. Note to the Flash: It is not 1986, and you are not Charlie Sheen in Wall Street. Dawson tells the Flash that's the last box, and starts to book. The Flash tries to stop him, asking what the rush is. The Flash, by the way, is wearing a too-short t-shirt with a v-neck that shows too much of his over-weight-trained pecs. The Flash invites Dawson to "hang out." "Working that 'friend' angle?" Dawson wearily asks. "I was trying," admits the Flash, then adds, "Talk to me. Look, Dawson, we've always been able to talk, freely and openly [ow! Quit it]. I don't want that to change." "Okay, let's talk," Dawson agrees. "Okay, good," says the Flash. "How's Joey?" Dawson answers, "Joey dumped me, and is falling for another guy. ?" The Flash gamely tries again: "And Jen?" Dawson answers, "Probably drunk and stuck to a sidewalk somewhere." "Dawson --" the Flash chides, but Dawson cuts him off, telling him, "This isn't going to work. I'm gonna get going."

The Flash says, "You don't have to like my decisions, Dawson; I just ask that you respect them." Dawson once again turns on a dime and shrieks (while smiling, with that grade 10 drama class technique he has), "You know what, all I ever do is respect other people's wishes, okay? I'm sick of it. It makes everyone else feel better. It makes me feel like hell." The Flash says, "Well, maybe that's because you're only considering the outcomes and not the intentions." Translation: Not everything is about YOU. Dawson is temporarily silenced by that, so the Flash continues: "Nobody's out to get you, Dawson. Certainly not me!" Dawson is duly chastened. The Flash puts down the white something he was rolling into a big ball and digs a key on a chain out of his pocket to give to Dawson, telling him that he wants Dawson "to think of this place as [Dawson's] own." Dawson takes the key. The Flash says, "Now, if you need anything, please --" Dawson says, "You want me to be open and honest, right?" "Yes," answers the Flash. Dawson says, "Well here goes. I don't need another friend, or a buddy. I want a father. Can you respect that?" "I guess I'll have to," chokes the Flash. "All right," says Dawson, and stomps and clatters his way out of the Flashelor Pad.

Over at Grams' House of Discipline, Jen is painting her toenails Vamp red in the sunroom as Dawson lets himself in. He asks if the invitation to accompany her to the party is still open because that's exactly what he needs this evening. She surmises that he's had a "run-in with Joey." He says, "You're quick; no way around that." She says he can come as long as he doesn't bitch, or moan, or complain about her partying habits, and "no judging." He agrees hesitantly. She tells him that this isn't a date: "You're too far gone as a rebound case for me to be remotely interested." Dawson says, "Is it that obvious?" Jen says, "You're so on the rebound you're practically bouncing." Dawson says that in that case the party is exactly what he needs (you already said that) and asks when he should pick her up. She says she'll pick him up at seven, which seems awfully early to me. He says, "This is not a date, remember?" She replies, "And I'm not interested, remember?" ["Go Jen." -- Sars] He leaves. She bites her lip. Whatever. Commercial.

Okay, I don't watch Buffy, but that commercial for "A Buffy Christmas" is really lame, right? And what is with Buffy's bangs? And furthermore, Angel is NOT CUTE. Seriously, does the WB have some policy in place for hiring actors purported to be cute, but who in fact have huge, square heads?

Then we're at the party and it's still totally light out. At seven o'clock. In November. Also, as at Pacey's Pier Party, there are kids out on the water. On jet skis. In bathing suits. Jen says, "Don't judge, Dawson." Dawson says, "No, I'm not judging, I'm just observing...the destruction of young America." Jen corrects him: "Fun, remember? That's what this is going to be all about, is fun." "I think I miscalculated," says Dawson. I have no idea what that means. They come upon Chris and Todd sitting on a step drinking what I presume is beer out of plastic cups. Jen says hello. Todd gives Jen the once-over and smirks approvingly. Chris greets them and immediately fishes a beer out of a nearby cooler and hands it to Jen. Todd says, "Dawson, you're a surprise, dude." Dawson shrugs and raises his eyebrows, saying nothing. Oh, just go home. Jen thanks Chris for the beer. Chris asks Jen to dance, and she starts to go with him, then turns around and calls back to Dawson to come with them. Dawson says no but tells her to go have fun. Jen instructs Dawson to enjoy himself while being dragged into the house by Chris, and followed closely behind by Todd. Dawson takes a breath, then watches through the screen door as Jen dances with both Chris and Todd, and sips her beer.

Then we're presumably in the back yard of the McPhee house, because there's Mrs. McPhee in gardening gear messing around with some plants, and it's bright as bright can be -- like, four o'clock in the afternoon looks at the height of summer, even though it was just seven o'clock over at Todd's a minute ago, and even that was far too bright, but whatever -- and Pacey comes through the gate and Mrs. M greets him with genuine-sounding pleasure and affection and says it's nice to see him again. Instantly Andie is beside Pacey and trying to get him into the house and away from her mom, telling Mrs. M. that they'll be inside studying. Mrs. M. asks if they'd like something to eat, and offers to make a sandwich. Pacey says he just ate. The entire garden is bright green and fully blooming. In November. In Massachusetts. Okay, I'm really starting to get annoyed, now. Mrs. M. asks what they're studying. Pacey answers that it's U.S. History and Biology. Mrs. M. gets that dewy look in her eye and says, "If Tim were here, you could get some help. U.S. History is one of Tim's favourite subjects." Pacey narrows his eyes and says nothing. Andie nervously says, "Okay!" and they go into the house, where Pacey says, "I thought you said your mother was getting better." Andie brightly answers, "She is, she just slips sometimes." Pacey says, "Well, I don't mean to be insensitive, Andie, but she still talks about your brother like he's still alive." Andie says, "Well, she has her good days and her bad days." "And what day is this?" Pacey asks. Andie whips around and threateningly says, "Pacey." "Sorry," says Pacey, and they go up the stairs...

...where Andie opens the door to her bedroom, which is painted pink and features a sizeable shrine of trophies. Pacey heads straight for the trophies (kind of the focal point of the room) and remarks, "You know, the only thing I ever won came out of a cereal box?" and I don't know if that's a shout-out or not, but when you get something in a cereal box, technically it's not winning anything. Andie, standing at her desk, says nothing, but smiles. "How do you do all this?" Pacey asks. "[Indecipherable] Type-A personality, my God, Andie. On top of everything you take care of your family and you still find time in the day to try and rescue a guy like me." Andie looks modestly down at her desk. "Aren't you tired?" Pacey asks. Andie hesitates a moment and answers, "You do what you gotta do." I know we don't know anything about Andie's and Jack's dad except that he's overseeing the failing family business, but leaving two pretty young kids alone in another state to take care of a mentally ill parent is not cool, and I already hate him. Andie tells him it's time to get started and assesses the state of his academic career in not-very-flattering terms, including "up Crapola Creek without a paddle" and "one Cliff Note away from --" "From complete and utter disaster; I get it," Pacey concludes for her. Andie smiles sheepishly.

Meanwhile, though it's supposedly only an hour later than Jen's and Dawson's arrival at Todd's party, it's totally dark wherever Jack and Joey are, eating hot dogs and watching very fake heat lightning and I really doubt that HEAT lightning happens that much IN MASSACHUSETTS IN NOVEMBER, like MY GOD PEOPLE. Anyway, Jack tells Joey he almost got hit by lightning when he was a kid and starts to tell the story and says that's why he's now fascinated by lightning. Then he tells her how lightning happens and tells her it's like "nature's performance art." Joey asks how it is that Jack knows things that normal people don't, but doesn't know things that normal people do, and I just noticed that Joey has a really weird and annoying way of pronouncing the word "Jack," almost like "Zheck." Anyway, Jack answers her question, "Didn't you ever get bored and watch the Weather Channel?" I for one wish I were doing so right now. Joey says she never did, but that when she and Dawson were younger, they tried to replicate Ben Franklin's experiment with the kite and the key. Jack gets uncomfortable when Dawson's name arises. Joey shuts her eyes and apologizes for bringing him up, but it's just that they've known each other such a long time. Jack says it's okay, that they have a history, and that Dawson "made that pretty clear when he punched me." Joey says, "See, you have to understand Dawson," and if I were Jack that would be my cue to run away screaming. Person you're interested in starts making excuses for his or her ex's violent behaviour because "you have to understand" the violent ex? That's a bad, bad scene. But anyway, Joey continues: "I mean, life is a movie to him. And in the movies, the hero always punches out the bad guy." Oh, okay, so now he's violent and delusional. Great! Joey backtracks: "I mean, not that you're a bad guy, but it's just..." "He was upset?" Jack asks. Joey says, "Yeah." Jack says, "I'm sure I would be too if I let you slip through my fingers." Joey laughs a little and says she saw the look Dawson gave Jack outside her house that night. Jack says Joey's right about the movie thing: "He made me feel like I was in the middle of a Western and he was John Wayne, you know, challenging me to a duel at sunset." Joey nods in recognition and tries to swallow her drink without laughing too hard and spitting it up. Jack says he'd be up for that challenge though: "Some things are worth fighting for." Joey giggles and looks at Jack. More heat lightning. I need a nap.

Back at Todd's party, we get the Dawson-Cam view of Jen on a plaid couch, beer in hand, leaning toward Todd and laughing drunkenly. Then we actually see Dawson watching Jen, as Chris comes up behind Dawson and asks what the deal is between Dawson and Jen: "Getting some post-Joey action or what?" "She's a friend," Dawson says defensively. "Yeah, Jen's a good friend to have," says Chris, and they both watch Jen flirt with Todd. "You should have more just like her, if you know what I mean," adds Chris. "You're about as subtle as you are genuine, huh?" says Dawson. Ooh, good one! That's really going to hurt Chris: the accusation that he isn't genuine! And sure enough, Chris rolls his eyes: "What you see is what you get," he says, and walks away, leaving Dawson to stare at Jen some more. "Clearly," says Dawson. Chris sits down beside a pretty wasted-looking Jen and puts his arm around her. Appropriately enough, on the soundtrack Michael Stipe sings, "You're looking like an idiot and you no longer care," as the camera lingers on Dawson, who takes a sip of Coke. What a good boy.

Back at the McPhee house, Andie is going over her usual study techniques: how many times she reads a chapter, what to highlight, yada yada. Pacey asks how he'll know what's important, and starts getting pissy about "whose job -- whose right is it to decide which passages in U.S. History are important enough to deserve the attention of a fluorescent yellow felt-tip marker?" Andie glares at him and tells him he's giving her a headache. The phone rings, and she answers it, then quickly says, "What? Uh, oh my God. Okay, um, please don't call the police. Uh, I can be there in five minutes, okay? Just give me five minutes. Okay, thanks, bye." Pacey gets up from Andie's desk and asks what's wrong. Andie says, "Um, it's my mother. She's at Molly's Market again." "Again?" says Pacey, and follows Andie out the door.

Then Andie and Pacey are hurrying toward the door of the market, which is opened by a woman who clearly recognizes Andie and says, "I didn't call the cops 'cause I think you and your brother are really nice and I really do feel sorry for you, but this is the third time." "I know," says Andie. The woman says, "This is it. If you can't keep her out of here --" "I know, I know, thank you" says Andie, going toward her mother. The woman adds, more nervously than angrily, "I think I don't have to tell you, this is not good for business." In another aisle of the store, near some jars of something, and some bags of what look like potato chips, Mrs. M. is standing with a basket addressing a crowd of people who are looking on. She looks confused, and is wearing a nightgown with a sweater over it, and is saying: "My husband usually takes care of things. You should call my husband. He takes care of things, you know?" Andie gently pushes through the crowd, looking concerned and ashamed, and quietly says, "Let's go, Mom." Mrs. M. answers, "No, I can't, I'm sorry, honey, I can't go home, I'm sorry honey." Andie says a bit more urgently, "Please, let's just go home now, okay?" Mrs. M. insists, "No, I can't." Andie says, "Mom, stop it, please?" The crowd of boorish onlookers is smiling and in some cases laughing. Okay, I know people are jerks, but I doubt that, in real life, people would be standing around staring and laughing at this little scene.

Mrs. M. does not respond well to Andie's ministrations, and starts yelling: "It's all over, it's all gone!" Andie covers her mouth and starts to cry as Pacey approaches Mrs. M. and gently says, "Hey, Mrs. McPhee, remember me? Pacey?" Mrs. M. can't really place him and says, "Pacey?" Pacey says, "Yeah! Yeah, it's me. What are you doing here? You picking up some groceries?" Mrs. M. searches his face anxiously and says, "I don't know, I don't know!" Pacey says, "Hey, don't worry about it. Just help me pick out a couple things things. Hey, check it out, marshmallows -- a food group all on its own." He puts the bag in her basket and returns to the shelf. "You don't want that," says Mrs. M. "I have some turkey and some roast beef in the fridge." Pacey says, "You know, that sounds to me like a triple decker club sandwich. Would you make me a sandwich, Miz McPhee?" "Yes, I can make you a sandwich, Pacey," she replies gratefully. "Excellent. You, Mrs. McPhee, are my savior. Shall we?" says Pacey, who putting his arm around her and setting down her basket. Mrs. McPhee presses herself against Pacey as he shepherds her through the crowd. "Don't worry about it," he says quietly. A nice scene, that, and proof once again that every day, in every way, Pacey is the pony to bet on.

Back at the party, Courtney Love is singing "Celebrity Skin," and Dawson is shouldering his way through the throngs of dancing people, trying to follow Jen as she heads up the stairs between Chris and Todd. Upstairs, Dawson walks down a hall much cleaner and emptier than it should be at a party that full. His eyes flick toward each door as he passes it. A couple comes out of one room, and then Dawson stops at another door, hears a low murmuring he (I guess) recognizes as Chris because he opens it fast and spots Jen sitting on the bed, with Todd kneeling behind her caressing her shoulders, and Chris standing in front of her kissing her and messing around inside her shirt. At the noise, all three glance at the door (Jen much more slowly since she is, at this point, very inebriated). "Hey Dawson, wanna play?" says Chris. I take a break to do a little throwing up of my own; that is an image I could have really done without. Yeccch. Quick cut back to Dawson as he enters the room, and then to a commercial.

Okay, we're back. Dawson gently moves Chris aside -- even says "Excuse me," which seems odd, I mean, Chris in this situation surely is more deserving of a punch in the face than was Jack at the dance -- but anyway Dawson picks Jen up, protesting all the while, and throws her over his shoulder in a fireman's carry. Chris says, "What the hell are you doing?" after Dawson's departing figure.

Downstairs, and outside the house, Jen is still yelling and kicking at Dawson to put her down, which he finally does, with her shirt still open. "I can't even believe you, Dawson," Jen slurs angrily as she gets up and tries to pull herself together. "Jen, look at yourself! You're drunk, you're hooking up with two guys; where are you going?" "I'm going home," Jen quavers defiantly. "You're going the wrong way," Dawson points out. Jen turns and stomps back toward him, then past him, buttoning her shirt. "Jen, now, stop," says Dawson quietly. "Why?!" Jen demands. "So you can explain this? And so that we can talk this out, and you can explain to me why you are so determined to pull the plug on anybody who is having a good time." "This is not having a good time," judges Dawson. "Oh, maybe not to you," says Jen. "Not to anybody, Jen! You're hiding. You're avoiding dealing with the fact that you're unhappy, and frankly it's disgusting," says Dawson, judging her some more (tm xix), and drunk or not, if I were Jen and Dawson said something like that to me, I wouldn't be standing around waiting to hear what other remarks he planned to add to that, like what qualifies you to make that assessment Dr. Laura? "Oh, you're really one to talk, Dawson," Jen rightly responds. "I mean, look at yourself, okay. You don't drink, and you don't mess around with anybody or anything, but you are the unhappiest person that I know." "You're absolutely right," Dawson answers. "And you know, I would take my melancholy over this" (indicating the house, and the party) "any day because it's real." (Oh let us please not get into a Real World Seattle shouting match over what is "more real than anything you'll ever have," okay, please?) Dawson concludes, "I'm not fighting to pretend like I'm having a good time." Jen protests, "I'm not pretending, Dawson! I was havin' a good time!" Jen stops and stares at Dawson, apparently trying to catch her breath. Dawson stares back in confusion. Jen's throat hitches a couple of times and then she leans over the fence and throws up, WITH HER HAND OVER HER MOUTH AS SHE DOES SO, like who would ever do something that gross in real life? And then she doesn't wipe her hand on her pants, or on anything else. Keep that in mind. Having concluded her throwing up, she chuckles a little and remarks, "How's that for irony? Bad girl throws up on a white picket fence." Okay, I know it's unlikely that someone would say something that witty while as wasted as Jen is (tm owen?), but that was still pretty funny. Dawson pinches the bridge of his nose. Oh, these children are a trial, aren't they, Master Leery? Jen says, "Don't be disgusted by me, Dawson," and it's pretty hard when you're yacking all over your own hand, honey. But she goes on: "Deal with me, okay? Accept me. And accept the fact that there are people in this world who don't need saving." Wearily, Dawson says, "Okay, Jen, you're drunk." Jen says, "No, listen to me. I have tried, okay, I have tried to live my life just like you. I just don't have that sort of hope. But if everybody did then people like you wouldn't be so special, so..." Okay, now I'm going to throw up. Dawson says, "Jen. You're special." Buck up, little camper! (tm Sars) "No, I'm not," says Jen, "you just want me to be." "I don't agree with that," says Dawson. "If you weren't so special you wouldn't be so miserable." Huh? What kind of logic is that? Then he says, "Come here" and hugs her as gingerly as one would hug someone who had been drinking, sweating, fondled by two pretty gross guys, and then vomiting on herself. Jen says she can't go home, like, yeah, where the hell is Grams if Jen has been at Dawson's house three times this week alone? Dawson says he knows a place she can go. They go. Jen is a bit shaky. That scene really tried my patience, but a nice performance from Michelle Williams there. Good dramatization of the kind of absurd logic people try to use when they're falling-down drunk.

Jack. Joey. Date post-mortem. "Unique fun," so says Joey. Jack kisses her. Joey smiles. Jack: "You're not going to stop speaking to me again, are you?" Joey: "No, I think you're safe. Crescent moon." Jack: "So maybe we could hang out again?" Joey says (essentially) yes. Joey had a really nice time tonight; thanks. You two are turbo-boring.

Back at the McPhee house, Andie is tucking her mom into bed as Pacey looks on. Pacey notes that Mrs. M. "went out like a light." Andie says something about "she goes way up, and then - crash." Pacey asks if Andie's going to be okay: "I'm worried about you." Andie: "Look at you! Taking care of my mom, saving me...don't you see? You just proved yourself wrong, Pacey. You can be anything you want. What you did for me tonight was nothing short of spectacular." She kisses him and tells him she's proud of him. Pacey chuckles and says he's not really used to hearing those words, "I'm proud of you," at least not when they're directed at him. Pacey urges her upstairs to her bedroom. Andie coquettishly asks what he had in mind. He reminds her that he still has to study. Andie looks a little deflated, then goes upstairs with him.

Over at the Flashelor Pad, the Flash asks how Jen is. Dawson says he thinks she'll be okay. Dawson says he knows he's been really hard on the Flash lately: "You've always been this larger-than-life Harrison Ford ideal to me, you know?" Flash: "No one can live up to that, Dawson. Not even Harrison Ford." Note to the Flash: Just because you can't be Harrison Ford doesn't mean you have to be Mike Brady. Flash: "In reality, people are flawed. I can be your father, Dawson. And, if you'll let me, your friend. Your call." Before anyone breaks into "Father Figure" by George Michael, we'd better wrap this up. "Then it's done," says Dawson, who heads over to where Jen is lying despondently in bed wearing, presumably, one of the Flash's shirts. Dawson sits on the bed and actually has the nerve to call her "Tiger." "You're my hero," says Jen. "Not a hero, just a friend," says Dawson. Jen asks what his script is about. Dawson says it's about star-crossed lovers. Jen asks how it ends. Dawson squeaks that he doesn't know yet. Jen offers some "editorial advice": "No happy endings. They're bogus, and pat, and totally unrealistic; things never end happy [sic] in real life." Dawson tells her to get some sleep since she'll feel better in the morning. Buck up, little camper! Jen: "I wish that were true." Dawson smiles and says nothing. Yeah, what a friend. "No happy endings, Dawson," Jen repeats.

Back in Dawson's bedroom, Joey climbs through the window, saying, "Hey Dawson," looks around and realizes he isn't there, and sits on his bed. She picks up a stuffed plush shark (Jaws, presumably), then climbs back out. Fade to black. Glark: "Is that supposed to mean something?"