Shouts out to Shanda, Chris, Jay Z, Miss Anthropy, kitten, bstewart, maggie, Pooh, and, as always, Sars.
Okay, so this week it's actually a Creekian -- Katie Holmes -- who welcomes us to the WB Wednesday, and I just want to say to Katie and anyone else who might be reading this and wondering: no, boat-neck garments are still not acceptable. I don't care if Jackie O wore them. Anyway, then we get scenes of this week on Dawson's Creek, and scenes of Touched by a Witch -- whoops! I mean Charmed, and then the disclaimer, and then "previously on Dawson's Creek," and then we open on a pair of sneaker-clad feet dancing very dorkily, then legs in jean short overalls, and then the full shot of Andie "Twitch City" McPhee in pigtails dancing spastically beside Dawson's bed, in an attempt to mimic the action evidently taking place on the TV screen in front of her, which is blaring Kenny Loggins' enduring hit song "Footloose." Well, except for the "enduring" part (tm Sars). Andie says, "Oh my God I love Footloose!" I can accept that the actress playing Andie would enjoy watching Footloose, since it no doubt evokes memories of her youth, but I daresay sixteen-year-olds wouldn't watch anything between Grease and Dumb and Dumber. But whatever; I guess I can try to ignore that implausibility. Andie continues, asking the gang, "Don't you guys love to dance?" Joey "Joey Potter" Potter and Dawson "Leerio" Leery glance sarcastically at each other (and yes, it is possible to glance sarcastically) and then speechlessly back at Andie as she starts going on about how excited she is about the Homecoming Dance which means we are definitely, no fooling around now, in November on the show, though you'd never know it by Joey's strappy tank top. Pacey "Urban Pupil" Witter takes this opportunity to launch into some of his patented clever repartee with Andie (except for the "clever" part) and says, "The Homecoming Dance? My God, we're hanging out with Marcia Brady" like, oh yeah, I forgot how you and the WASP Brigade totally represent the counterculture of Capeside. Andie asks what's wrong with the school dance, and Dawson suggests that what Pacey's trying to say is that they're "not the school dance type [sic]" and pauses the tape as the camera pans to Joey, who explains that they'd rather "watch a movie about a high school dance than actually set foot inside an over-decorated gym" and Pacey delivers the hat-trick of adolescent bitterness by adding, "in fact, this indictment of high school conventions isn't really just limited to dances; it kind of covers the whole spectrum of school-sponsored events." Andie cocks her head at him and purses her lips and plants her hands on her hips and...oh, NOW I get it -- that's exasperation I'm seeing.
Pacey continues, "Case in point: Joey, how many high school football games you been to [sic]?" Joey answers, "None." Pacey goes on, "Mmm hmm. And Dawson, how many pep rallies have you loyally attended?" Dawson replies, "Zero." Pacey concludes with a satisfied, "Mmm hmm." A horrified Andie declaims, "You guys are a bunch of cynics, you know that? I mean, what kind of high school memories are you guys going to have if all you did in high school was bitch and moan about everything?" "Bitching memories," says Joey. "Moaning memories," says Dawson. "Ha ha, not," says Wing Chun, and I'd also like to add that anyone who thinks of high school as a place where cherished memories are made deserves to have at least one bucket of pigs' blood dumped on her. I mean, I don't think I had a particularly hellacious high school career (grade nine excepted, which was truly horrible in every respect), and I still am friends with some people with whom I attended good old Niagara District Secondary School, but we certainly don't sit around turning over the chestnuts of our "high school memories" when we get together unless it's to discuss what a dickhead one or another person was, and in what ways they've since messed up their lives, which I guess would qualify as bitching memories, moaning memories to Andie, who tells the kids, "You guys are completely sabotaging your high school experience" as if such a feat were even possible. Pacey says, "Guilty as charged. Now, Dawson, if you don't mind, would you turn the video back on, because I really wanna see who's responsible for Kevin Bacon's roguish, devil-may-care hairdo" and, um, Pacey? Glass houses? Throwing stones? Do the math. Andie glares at Pacey for a second and Dawson turns the movie back on, only to have Andie walk in front of the TV and ask, "You mean you would rather watch a movie about something than doing [sic] it yourselves." "Correct," answer Joey and Dawson. "Okay, what about sex?" asks Andie, and now that she's got their attention she tells them they're missing a major opportunity, because dancing is great foreplay, and I have to ask what sixteen-year-old uses the word 'foreplay'? But evidently she's making a persuasive case because Pacey tells her he loves the way she thinks, and Andie asks who's coming with her on Saturday and each person mugs in a different way until the opening credits start.
Unfortunately, tonight's Dawson's Creek is brought to us by Lee Dungarees. And then we get an ad for the only product I am less likely to buy: Godzilla on video. And then we get an ad for those 3D Sculpture puzzles, leading me to wonder whether the WB intends to advertise any products I'd ever buy. Slim Jim? Don't think so. Some driving game for the N64? Nuh uh.
We're at school now, and a blue pick-up truck is pulling up driven by Bessie "Whole Milk" Potter, who asks Joey, her passenger, if she's going to get out. Joey is moping and distracted and says she was thinking, and she is wearing yet another strappy tank top, and Bessie asks whether it's general teen angst or something specific, and Joey requires that Bessie reply to what she's about to say with nothing but advice and/or sisterly concern. She says, "Jack kissed me." Bessie, appropriately enough, starts cackling. Joey notes testily that cackling counts as neither advice nor concern and Bessie cackles a bit more and then clarifies that Joey does mean Jack, "chore-boy down at the Ice House?" and Joey confirms it was indeed he but that it was "nothing" so, in that case, Bessie wants to know what the problem is. Joey says, "Dawson," at which Bessie rolls her eyes and says, "You didn't tell him, did you?" and Joey says she didn't, and that the problem is that this is exactly the kind of thing she would have told "Dawson the friend, but since Dawson the friend became Dawson the boyfriend, the concept of newsworthy events has become a little blurry." Bessie asks whether it was a one-way kiss, and Joey hesitates a second before agreeing that it was, so Bessie says Joey hasn't done anything wrong and should pretend it didn't happen. Joey quite annoyingly answers in that way no person ever does except on TV: "Like what didn't happen?" Gak. Bessie giggles and says, "Exactly." Well, that was a pretty laboured way of getting to the point, but I agree with Bessie on this one.
Then on another part of the quad, that cheerleader from the season premiere is making her way across a lawn wearing a tight, low-cut, boob-intensive shirt that doesn't quite make it over her stomach, and a black skirt, and as she joins a little clot of football players in their yellow jerseys we can hear Abby "Bi-Curious?" Morgan saying, "No way those are real." Jen "Fakin' Bacon" Lindley, who is standing beside her, asks, "You think those are man-made?" and am I the only one who remembers that these two didn't actually leave things on the best of terms last week? The last scene they were in together, Jen was ordering Abby to get out of Grams' house, and then Abby was spying on her from Dawson's window. Yet now they're all pally. Yeah, whatever. Abby answers, "Jennifer, please! Physical enhancement caters not only to size, but can improve shape, direction, perk factor -- that girl's had some work done," and Jen answers (as the girl's and Brett's body language starts to demonstrate that there is a spat of some kind going on) that Brett (presumably this girl's jock boyfriend) doesn't seem to mind and Abby describes Brett as a dim bulb with good hair and tight pants and then the girl starts dragging Brett bodily from his little knot of jock buddies, and Abby says he's a classic himbo: "In other words, perfect!" Jen dismissively replies, "If that's your type," and Abby asks if "Brett's too much man, not enough touchy-feely film auteur?" Jen has no response to that, and Abby says that by Saturday, Brett and Kristy will be history, and "Brett will be mine." Jen tells Abby it's pathetic for Abby to go to the Homecoming dance just to steal someone else's boyfriend. Abby's response is, "My guidance counselor's always telling me to set goals for myself!" Jen says Abby's on her own. Abby tells Jen to "stay home. Read scripture with Grandma. Brett and I will drop you a line from Vegas." Once again, I have to remind Abby that the part of Karen on Will & Grace has already been cast, so please spare us all the diva manqué routine. PLEASE.
Then we're inside the school and voyeuristically watching Brett and Kristy bicker because Brett doesn't want Kristy to pull him away from his friends like he's "a stupid dog on a leash." Kristy counters with, "How about acknowledging me blah blah blah fishcakes." Dawson walks by as the Brett & Kristy show moves into another part of the hallway and joins Joey so that the two of them can continue to watch the bickering. Dawson says, "Promise me we will never air our relational crisis in Surround Sound like that" which I had to rewind four times before I could understand it because the sound guy messed up yet again; the whiny so-called background so-called music was way too loud. Anyway, you get the gist, which causes Glark to comment: "Dawson's Creek. Reeeeeeeal subtle with the foreshadowing." Dawson adds that he "can't think of anything more embarrassing and immature." Joey says "Deal" and kisses him. Dawson tells Joey to remind him again how Andie McPhee convinced them to go to the Homecoming dance. Memo to the writers. No matter how much you have the characters refer to each other by both their first and last names all the time, it still won't ever be My So-Called Life, so just give it up now before it gets really "embarrassing and immature." Like, how many "Andie"s or "Andy"s or "Andes" for that matter are we to imagine they have regular dealings with, and with whom they'd discussed the dance, like, we know her name, so just shut up, Dawson. Anyway, Joey answers that Andie had promised "that dancing always ends in tawdry smut action." Dawson says, "Oh" and then, "Can that possibly be our first mention of sex since we've been together?" and Wing Chun begs, "Please let it also be your last!" and Joey screws up her face and says, "Possibly," and Dawson says, "Why is that? When we were friends we talked about sex all the time." Wing Chun says, "Maybe it had something to do with the fact that you never imagined a world in which you might be having it with Joey." Joey says, "I think because we wanted to ease into the subject in order to make the transition from friend to lover -- unconfusing?" Wing Chun says, "Please God don't ever use the word 'lover' in any context, ever again." Dawson says that if they are confused about the aforementioned transition, "I can only think of one thing that would truly cinch it." Wing Chun says, "Who the hell says 'cinch'? Would this thing Dawson's about to mention also 'belt' it?" Joey asks what he suggests. Dawson says, "That you put on your dancing shoes." Joey smiles. Wing Chun excuses herself with painful gas, but not before hearing Dawson say "hi" to Jen, then see Jen herself walk past him, then see Abby saying, "Wipe the drool, Dawson." Both Dawson and Joey watch as Mutt and Jeff walk on, and Joey says she doesn't approve of their relationship, since "Abby is not a good influence for Jen." Dawson chuckles incredulously and asks, "Is this genuine concern I'm hearing for Jen Lindley?" Joey says she feels sorry for her since her Grandpa just died (and I'm glad someone remembers) and suggests that they invite her to the dance since they're going as a group anyway. Then we get a scarily tight close-up of Dawson's enormous face (though not as scary as the tight close-up of Dawson's enormous face Yet To Come), as he says, "Joey Potter, I applaud you. You earn major humanity points for this." Joey, instead of socking him in his condescending jaw, shrugs. He then speculates that the invitation might make Jen "feel worse." Joey then starts to slouch a little as Dawson gets a firm grip on her spine and starts a-pullin', but first she points out that it's really hard to lose a family member, but that it's his call. He doesn't answer, except to say that he'll see her later, and kisses her, and then she starts to go on her way but ruh-roh! There's Jack, with stuff falling out of his bag, so she diverts sets her course in another direction before he sees her.
Then we're outside, with different annoying not-so-much-in-the-background music as Pacey and Andie stroll along. Pacey is asking, since he's in charge of transportation, if Andie wants him to pick her up at her house, or meet somewhere else. In light of last week's events, she votes for "meet somewhere else." Pacey quickly accedes to her wishes and asks how her mom's doing. Andie says she's having a good week. Pacey says if there's ever anything he can do, she should ask. Andie looks askance and doesn't really answer and then starts another one of their usual whatever exchanges of banter. He says he doesn't dance. Brandon Walsh calls his lawyer to start proceedings against Pacey for copyright infringement. Then they run into Dawson and Andie asks if she can invite her brother since "he's kind of a loner" and the dance might be good for him. Dawson then seizes with both hands the Big Salad Joey paid for, and hands it to Andie, suggesting that they also invite Jen. Andie is delighted by this idea but Pacey is very much against it, and all similar fix-ups with people who don't know each other, but Andie and Dawson are too busy congratulating themselves to pay him any heed and Andie wanders off as Pacey asks, "Am I invisible?"
Back at the No-Fault Hacienda, Dawson mounts the steps to see both his parents sitting extremely stiffly inside the porch. The Flash asks him to take a seat and actually motions to it as if Dawson would feel that uncomfortable in his own house, and would wait to be shown the preferred settee. Dawson guardedly asks what's going on. Gale "L'il Leatherface" Leery -- her flyaway poodle hair now sculpted into a more helmetesque shape, looks nervously toward the Flash, who leans forward into a more sincere posture, and says, "I know things got a little out of hand the other night," like no shit, where are taMAHra and that other dude to tell their side of that incredibly uncomfortable story? "and, uh, I'm not sure what the segue is here," and Wing Chun says, "'Segue'? Could there be a more inappropriate word choice at such a moment, Flash?" and the Flash continues, "but your mother and I, after much talk, after much consideration, have decided," and at this point Bride of Flash reaches over and rests her wrist supportively on the arm of the Flash's chair. Yes, his chair. And she says, "Honey, sometimes you focus so hard on the solution, that when you step away, when you pull back? Only then does the solution truly appear." Wow, Gale -- did you paraphrase that chunk of Deepak Chopra all by yourself? But anyway. "Yes. Right," agrees the Flash. "And as improbable as this approach might seem, sometimes it's the only one left, and, uh, in this case, it's the only one left." The light starts to dawn on Dawson who is looking increasingly perturbed. Adds Gale, "So what we're trying to say is that -- is that --" and the Flash takes over and finally spits it out: "Your mother and I have decided to spend some time apart." Dawson nods slightly a couple of times, and then falls back defeatedly in his chair and says, "Well, it sounds like the two of you have given this quite a bit of careful thought." With relief, Gale answers, "Yes, honey, we have," but she smiles way too much when she says it. "And so for me to suggest that you go back to counseling wouldn't make any difference," Dawson gamely continues. "We've tried it," says the Flash.
But Dawson isn't through: "So I guess it would do no good to suggest that you make a more concerted effort at trying to find a solution -- improved communication, possibly more family outings. Truth serum?" And the Flash mercifully cuts off this desperate blather with a curt, "Dawson. Your opinion is important to us and we love you. But we're not open to suggestions on this one," like FINALLY someone put one of these smart-ass kids in their place. I mean, I can understand Dawson's anxiety, but lecturing your parents on how to improve their relationship is SO not the way to go. That said, tiny props to Dawson on the consistently correct use of the subjunctive mode in the above dialogue. The Flash adds, "This is a conclusion -- a conclusion that we've reached." Says Dawson, "Yeah. Well, I conclude that your conclusion sucks." Eloquent, yet direct. Bravo to young master Leery as he does the Dawson Stomp right out of there.
Then we're outside the school and a whole bunch of people in semi-formal wear that is way dressier than anyone at my school ever dressed for any school dance including the prom itself, but anyway, Andie, Pacey and Jack are walking into the school and Pacey looks horrid in a might-not-be-bad-if-it-were-properly-accessorized gray suit, only he has the pants hiked down too low on his waist, and he's wearing a white Kramer shirt with a gross black satiny collar outside the lapels of his blazer. Andie looks okay in a purplish-gray dress that flatters her bazooms. Jack is in an off-brown suit with a blue shirt and some kind of non-descript tie. Andie and Pacey are bickering tiresomely over whether Pacey ran a red light. Jack is walking slightly behind them doing that thing where you roll not only your eyes but your entire head back, and then they join Dawson and Joey in the hall and Andie introduces Jack to Dawson who says, "Yeah, we've met, kind of unofficially," like no kidding -- you've met about twelve times by now even though at least half of those times you've tried to behave as if Jack did not exist in your universe. But anyway, they shake hands and Joey is all smiles as Andie says, "And of course you know Joey," which was unnecessary since whatever Andie doesn't know about the kiss doesn't obviate the fact that Jack and Joey work together, and Jack therefore probably knows Joey better than Andie does. The camera pulls back to show Joey's pretty...ugly off-orange, strangely tweedy strappy dress with brown trim, not to mention her appalling posture with her rolled-in shoulders and consequently saggy boobs and protruding pelvis, like, just because you're in heels and Dawson is an Oompa-Loompa doesn't mean you shouldn't STAND UP STRAIGHT, DEAR. Anyway, Joey and Dawson are holding hands and Andie is nodding annoyingly as Jen walks up looking better than anyone else in a black just-below-the-knee dress (which is a hard skirt length to pull off but really suits her) that is form-fitting but not clingy and doesn't cause any of her usual unseemly bulges, and has a pretty, sheer bit over her decolletage and little sheer, slightly puffy sleeves - generally, a lovely dress that looks great on her. Too bad about her hair, which is done up in about eight gigantic pin curls around her face, and about which I have two words of advice: Comb. Out. Anyway, Jen looking for the most part really good joins "Wow, everybody!" Andie introduces "Jack, [her] brother," and Jen says, "Hi Jack, Andie's brother," and smiles a little predatorily. Jack says, "It's just Jack, actually," and I thought "Just Jack" was on a different, much more entertaining show, and then we cut to Joey who is giving Jack and Jen the hairy eyeball. Then they all go in as Joey glances back at Jack who is looking painfully uncomfortable.
In the gym a whole bunch of extras who should be getting back to their day jobs (tm xix) are dancing a million times more skillfully and acrobatically than anyone ever has at an actual school dance anywhere other than, possibly, Juilliard, to the sounds of that stupid song "Sell-out," then there's another song by some guy who sings like a girl, and then Joey and Dawson dancing whatever, then Andie and Jack dancing whatever, and Pacey doing his best Brandon Walsh on the sidelines by the refreshment table, then Jen by some other sidelines up to whom Abby struts, and Abby is doing her best imitation of Bjork by way of Amy Grant with her hair all up in a chaotic collection of tiny braids, or ponytails, or something, and a black daisy choker (have I mentioned how much I have always despised chokers? Man, I really do hate them) with matching earrings and way too much black eyeliner and a satiny red dress with something patterned all over it. Abby blows a gum bubble and says, "So, you decided to slum it after all." Jen says, "Hey, Abby." Abby says, "I have to tell you I love your dress. In fact, I have the same one -- in a smaller size," and struts on, rolling her eyes. Ouch, that's going to leave a mark.
Then Dawson and Joey are trying to copy the dancers in that great (not) Gap Khakis Swing ad, only they're doing it to a song you really can't jive to, and Joey bumps into Jack, causing major awkwardness between them, which Dawson doesn't notice as the music switches to a slow song. Dawson says that's more his speed. Andie runs away, leaving Jack standing awkwardly alone on the dance floor, and grabs Jen who is now looking bored on a chair beside an equally-bored-looking Pacey. Andie says she has a great idea; why doesn't Jen dance with Andie's brother Jack? Jen looks as if she'd like to demur but since she's being dragged toward him, then thrown at him, she gamely says, "Hi, brother Jack," and he once again corrects her and says it's just plain Jack. They start to dance, and Jen asks if Jack gets the feeling they're "being set up here?" The camera pans back to Andie and Pacey, who are gazing on with a little too much interest. Whatever. Jack sarcastically says, "What makes you say that?" We cut back to Pacey and Andie who are appraising them: "She's cute, he's cute," so says Andie, but Pacey points out that they are completely opposite and that it will "get ugly in about, oh, twenty minutes." Andie doesn't agree.
Back to Joey and Dawson on the dance floor. Dawson figures this is the ideal time to be telling Joey, "So then my dad drove off and left my mom crying over the kitchen sink," and I still recall that the Flash drove off leaving Dawson watching his mom crying on the lawn, and making no moves toward her. Dawson adds, "What I wouldn't give now for them to go back to their coffee table sex antics." Wing Chun says, "I like it better now, thanks." Joey says, "I'm sorry, Dawson." Dawson says, "You know, I'm just going to let them work out their adolescent traumas on their own -- steer clear," and smugly spins Joey, saying there is a bright side: "The coffee table is now available." Wing Chun says: "MEDIC!" Joey and Dawson smirk at each other. Wing Chun takes a moment to lie down with a cold compress.
The camera cuts to Jack and Jen dancing close and smiling politely. Dawson observes this and in his most condescending tone, remarks, "Well, well, well! I dare say they like each other," causing Joey to snap her head in that direction and glare. "Jack and Jen?" says Joey incredulously. Dawson says, "Yeah; Andie and I sort of played matchmaker tonight." Joey now turns her glare on Dawson and spits, "Why would you do that, Dawson? I mean, that's like the worst thing I've ever heard of!" Dawson is understandably confused by this and says, "They both need to meet new people. They're both single." Joey says, "Yeah, but Jack is this nice, sweet guy, and Jen is this...barracuda! It's -- it'll never work!" Dawson innocently asks why Joey's getting so worked up about this. Joey hesitates, then claims she's not getting worked up: "I have an opinion; that's all." Dawson cocks an eyebrow and says, "Alert the media." Wing Chun says, "Go screw, loser." Dawson then kisses Joey before she can say it.
Cut back to Jack and Jen for a second, then to the DJ's table as the song switches to a fast number by Garbage, then to Pacey and Andie on the sidelines, and Andie bopping around and asking Pacey if he wants to dance. Pacey reminds her that he doesn't dance. Andie says she doesn't believe him, and that she thinks he's holding out on her in some kind of "power move" in order to keep control in their relationship. Pacey asks, "What relationship?" Andie asks for a slow dance, at least. Pacey once again insists he doesn't dance. Andie pouts and glares. Pacey says he won't slow dance, fast dance, or do "whatever it was that Patrick Swayze was doing in Dirty Dancing." Andie tells him he can be so stubborn sometimes, and says if he won't dance with her, she'll find someone who will, and stalks off, presumably to do so. Pacey calls after her not to "hurt the poor guy." Andie glares some more. Then Pacey looks at the dance floor and watches Kelly Taylor -- I mean Kristy and her tiny mouth dancing with Brett on the opposite side of a Vaseline-smeared camera lens.
Cut to later, and a lame slow song by some baby-voiced singer that might be Donna Lewis. Andie wanders over to Jen and Jack and tells them it's "time to switch partners!" Jen says actually she wants to go get some air and thanks Jack for the dance. Andie tugs Jack by the wrist over to Dawson and Joey and tells Dawson "it's just you and me" because she doesn't intend to dance with her brother all night, and instructs Jack to "sweep [his] boss off her feet." Andie and Dawson go dance. Jack: "Boss, um." Joey: "Yeah?" Jack: "Look, Joey I know you've been avoiding me." Joey: "I haven't been avoiding you." Jack: "No, no, it's all right, because I just want you to know that [I take] full responsibility." Joey: "Responsibility?" (Meanwhile, Dawson behind them is not taking his eyes off them for a single second, probably because Joey and Jack are not at all dancing and are just having what is obviously a disagreement of some kind.) Jack: "For kissing you. I apologize. I crossed the line." Joey: "Yeah you did, Jack. Because I have a boyfriend, and you knew that. And now, thanks to you, I feel guilty every time I look at him, over nothing." Well, actually, Joey, if you do in fact feel guilty, then it probably is something, at least to you. Joey: "Look, I don't even think we should be having this conversation right now." Joey then stomps away from him as Jack stares after her and Dawson tries his best to watch her go as Andie leads him in the opposite direction. Ruh-roh.
Then we're out in the hall, where Joey is leaning against a wall. Jack comes running up to her. Joey: "Did I mention that you weren't supposed to follow me?" Jack: "I just want to apologize, Joey, okay? That's all I wanna do." Joey: "Fine. You apologized. Noted. See you later." She starts to walk away, but Jack gets in front of her. Jack: "What are you so angry about?" Joey: "[derisive chuckle] Why am I so angry? I am angry because you didn't respect me, or my relationship." Joey, honey, even you don't respect your relationship. Why should Jack? Joey continues: "What you did was so rude and inappropriate." Jack: "No, no, no, I think there's something else going on here." Joey: "What." Jack: "It's all this anger that you're expressing -- it just doesn't make any sense, okay? It doesn't add up." Joey: "What are you talking about?" Jack: "I don't think you're angry with me for kissing you. I think you're angry with yourself for kissing me back." Joey glares at Jack. Jack turns around and starts to go, only to see standing about three inches behind him DAWSON AND HIS HUMONGOUS GLARING FACE OF PSYCHIC AND EMOTIONAL INJURY! I'm serious, y'all -- this is one big face, shown even bigger, and with dumb pain and anger radiating outward from it. The set of his jaw, the near-squint: it's all clear to me now. In every way, Dawson really is the Son of Flash. Jack looks at Dawson for a second and walks away. Dawson glares after him for a moment, then back at Joey, who takes a second to register the horror of what has just happened and then flees into the bathroom. Dawson gazes at the bathroom door for a moment and then swallows. Oh no, it's the end of Angus all over again, except that Jack isn't fat, and we cut to a commercial break.
Back at the Dance of Betrayal Donna Lewis or her equally annoying doppelganger is still going strong. An overhead camera zooms slowly in on Brett dancing with Abby, who sighs, "You know what I admire most about you, Brett? That you work all of your muscle groups equally." Okay, I'll cop to laughing at that line.
Over at the refreshment table, Jen is thanking Andie for inviting her tonight, and says, "I actually had a surprisingly good time." Andie says, "'Had'? Why are you speaking in the past tense? I mean, the party's still going!" Jen says she thinks it's "about over" for her and that she's "beat" and that she thinks she'll be heading home, if Andie doesn't mind. Andie replies that of course she minds, since they were "in the middle of a very interesting conversation": "We were sharing and getting to know each other, and now you just want to leave, just like that?" Then Jack walks over and tells Andie he also wants to leave, so of course Andie immediately changes her tune and says that's great, since Jack can walk Jen home. Jen's face falls, since she also saw that coming from two miles away. Jack quickly agrees, no doubt since he wants to get out of there before Dawson recovers enough to come back into the gym and start causing a scene, which is what happens in the very second as Dawson throws himself between Jack and Jen and asks "What the hell happened?" Jack says, "You really should talk to Joey about this."
Then we get "Imminent Fight Cam" shooting Dawson and Jack from below as Dawson answers, "Well, I'm asking you." Jack says, "Look, it was a weird night, the moon was full, all right? It just happened." Wing Chun says, "I thought we had agreed to stop blaming the damn moon." Dawson gets further in Jack's face and says, "You kissed my girlfriend." Cut to Andie and Jen, who are visibly taken aback by this revelation. Jack says, "Yeah, I did. I'm not going to apologize for it, man, because the truth is I'd do it again." Wing Chun says, "Oh great, they've entered the 'man' stage of their relationship. If they start calling each other 'bro' I'm going to have to start watching Party of Five instead." Then we get an even tighter close-up on Dawson's face that actually cuts off his chin and all of his hair, like if they zoom in any closer the shot is just going to be his nose, emoting as hard as it can. So Dawson glares at Jack for a second with his dead eyes. Jack continues, "So let's just not turn make this into some high school rumble, all right, because neither one of us are [sic] the type." In response to this, Dawson hauls off and slugs Jack, dropping him to the ground with one punch, like AS IF. The crowd which has gathered around this melee gasps. Jen goes to Dawson and asks what he's doing. Andie goes to Jack, who says, "I'm fine, I'm fine." Dawson and his tiny boner stride out. As he passes Abby, she admiringly remarks, "Nice punch, champ!" and then turns to Brett and says, "Ooh, who knew he had so much testosterone?"
Then we cut to Dawson, who is marching angrily out the front door of the school, and past Joey who is sitting despondently on the steps. Her head snaps up as he goes by and she goes after him, saying, "Dawson, where are you going?" He says he's going home. She says, no, she wants to talk about this. He says, "First you run away, now you want to talk." She says, "About the kiss..." He says he knows all about the kiss. She says he doesn't. He says, "Joey, you kissed someone else. What else is there to know?" She starts to say it wasn't like that, then stops and says, "He kissed me, and I just didn't..." "'Stop him,'" Dawson finishes for her. Joey (very defensively, under the circumstances) says, "Look, I'm sorry, Dawson, okay? It was a mistake, a poor error [sic] in judgment and that's it. And for you to blow this into some earth-shattering scene of cinematic proportions --" But Dawson stops her there: "Wait a minute, you're not going to do that to me." Joey says, "Do what?" Dawson says, "You're not going to use who I am against me just to divert from the fact that you screwed up." Dawson? Sweetie? You're not a director yet. So far, "guy who blows things out of proportion" is "who you are," and as far as I can tell, Joey is trying to explain herself and you are cutting her off with pretty spurious objections to her rhetoric. Joey sputters, "I said I was sorry. What else do you want me to say?" And then Dawson starts channeling the Flash and says, "There's nothing you can say, Joey! There's no justifiable reason why the girl who spent the last fifteen years of her life pretending I was the only thing she wanted," and now who's using someone's characteristic attributes to scuttle an argument, Senor Smart Start? But there's more! "...ended up kissing some other guy and lying about it." Dawson starts to go, thinking he's had the last word, when Joey stops him: "Look, I didn't lie to you, Dawson! That kiss was not my doing." "Not your 'doing'?" Dawson demands. "No!" insists Joey. "What," says Dawson, "did you metaphysically leave your body the exact second your lips touched his?" Joey says, "Don't do this. Don't punish me just to make yourself feel better." Memo to the writers. Dawson and Joey are playing out the same scenario, writ small, that Gale and the Flash have been living since last season. It's parallel. We get it. Dawson says, "Oh, so I'm the bad guy." "Yeah, I guess you are," says Joey. "You cheat on me and I'm the bad guy?" Dawson demands. "Yes!" says Joey. "Don't you get it? This isn't about some stupid kiss, Dawson." Dawson agrees: "No, it's about us."
But he's wrong! Joey says, "No! It's about me." Dawson looks completely stupefied (and not a little stupid, as well), as Joey goes on: "For once, it's about me, Dawson. That's what I've been trying to tell you." Dawson opens his mouth to say something, then glances around and notices the crowd that has gathered to watch their scrap. Whoa, didn't see that coming. It's exactly what they promised they'd never do! Ironic, huh? Yeah, whatever. Time for a commercial.
So then we're getting close to Grams' house where Jack is dropping Jen off. She remarks that his black eye is "really starting to swell." Jack says he probably deserves it, because he "made a scene" when he "should have just left things alone." Jen chuckles and says, "You really like her, doncha? Joey." Jack asks what makes her say that. Jen says there's not a lot of guys who'd take a punch for a girl they didn't like. Jack admits that maybe he has "no chance," but he's "always been a sucker for lost causes." Jen says he's a romantic. Jack says that's a nice word for "loser." He's not wrong, people. Then he laughs a bit, which somehow starts to hurt his eye, and Jen makes sympathetic noises and tells him to put some ice on it. She says she should go inside, and he starts to leave. Then she turns back to say she "had a really good time tonight," and that she has him to thank for that. Jack says he "didn't really do anything." Jen tells him he did: "When you were with me, you did a really good job of pretending you didn't want to be with somebody else." Are we to interpret that as, Jen started to get interested in Jack because his pretending was so convincing, then was crushed when it was revealed that he liked Joey? Whatever. Jack has no response to that, so Jen says "Goodnight" to break the awkward silence, and he starts to go, but there's still more! Jen says: "Keep fighting for your lost causes. You never know when your luck might change." Memo to the writers. You could have had a nice, natural, totally believable and not terribly hackneyed scene there if you'd ended it at "Goodnight." By giving Jen a howler of a line like that, you completely ruined it. Nice job. Jack is as dumbfounded as I am by that fortune-cookie philosophy, or so it would seem by his non-committal wave and silent departure.
As Jack strolls down the road, the Flash's SUV drives past. I guess "SUV" now stands for "Stalker Utility Vehicle" (tm Pooh?) as The Flash pulls up outside the house and gazes through the window at Gale, who is in her nightgown and robe. She looks at a book, then looks up in what I guess is supposed to be frustration, then moves away from the window. Satisfied (I guess), the Flash drives off. Huh? Again I must insist that you two get a divorce right now. I am not joking anymore.
Then at some pier Andie is standing outside, in November, on Cape Cod, in strappy evening wear, and no jacket. Memo to the writers. We notice these things. Pacey walks toward her with his hands in his pockets looking not-as-contrite-as-he-should-under-the-circumstances. As he reaches Andie, she says she thought he "didn't dance." He says he's been looking everywhere for her. She repeats that he'd said he didn't dance. He asks if she saw him out there and claims she "could hardly call that 'dancing.'" I'm not amused. Neither is Andie, who wheels around and says, "No, I'd call it foreplay." Ouch, that's gonna leave a mark! She goes on: "But then again, we don't owe any explanations to each other, do we? I mean, we're just sparring partners, right? We don't mean anything more to each other than that." Pacey moves closer to her and says, "That's not true. You know that's not true, Andie. I was having a wonderful time with you tonight." She rolls her eyes and he insists, "I was!" and before Barry White starts singing, "Don't be a baby, lady / Just be a lady, baby," on the too-loud soundtrack, Pacey is stupid enough to continue his speech with the following: "It's just -- when I ran into Kristy, I don't know, I just, I got swept up in the moment." Andie says it's too bad she herself isn't the kind of girl who could sweep him away, and starts to take off. Pacey grabs her arm and tells her she knows that's not what he meant, and, sorry Pacey, but that's exactly what I heard you say, too. Andie makes the mistake of stopping to hear more, and 'more' turns out to be this very sorry excuse: "It's just, I don't know, Kristy, she's, she's like a fantasy. And, come on, you can't tell me you haven't wanted to act out a fantasy, even if just for a moment -- even if you knew it was wrong." Andie finally clues him in by telling him, "Yeah, I was trying to act out a fantasy all night, Pacey," and I don't know if that did leave a mark, but man alive, it should have. He shakes his head in befuddlement at that and asks, "Why do you like me?" which sounds lame but his delivery actually made me believe it, and his own feelings of loserishness, which until then I'd always sort of thought was a pose. Andie says, "What?" He asks again, "Why do you like me? I'm a screw-up, Andie; I'm thoughtless, I'm insecure, and for the life of me I just can't understand why a woman like you would bother to care about me." I thought we had established a couple of weeks ago that Andie was a girl (as opposed to taMAHra, who is a Woman). Andie says, "God, I don't know, Pacey. Because you're funny, and you're kind, and you don't judge people. And you make me feel good about myself. I mean, you didn't run screaming the other day from my house when you met my crazy old mother. And you're smart. I mean, I don't know where you get this whole loser complex, Pacey, because you are so smart. You spar better with me than anyone. And you're sharp, and you're witty, and you're brilliant." And then just when I'm about to ask when exactly Pacey was able to put both hands on Andie's spine and pull that sucker out, she adds, "And this is more than you deserve right now," like, NO KIDDING. So she starts to take off, and he follows her and says he knows, and he's "really, truly sorry," sorrier than he's been in a long time, and "the moment that I spent with Kristy, that one moment that's going to make the whole night worthwhile -- I was with the wrong person." Um, I still don't buy it, but Andie does, as he adds, "I wanted to spend that moment with you." And she says they're certainly having one now, and he asks if she'll dance with him, and calls her "Miss McPhee," and she says she'd love to, and then he says, "'Witty' and 'brilliant'?" and asks if there's anything she'd like to add to that, and then they do that thing where they trade rapid-fire insults at each other, like HEPBURN AND TRACY YOU MOST ASSUREDLY ARE NOT SO JUST DROP IT ALREADY, and the last exchange is Pacey going, "Kiss me?" and Andie answering, "Thought you'd never ask." And then they kiss for a really long time. That scene was stupid in just about every respect.
Then we cut to Dawson as he opens the door to his room and turns on the light and sees Joey sitting on his bed, and she's been crying and is still kind of crying, and she says, "I'm so sorry," and Dawson asks what happened, and Joey starts to rehash the story of her kiss with Jack, and Dawson says he's not talking about Jack, but about them, and wants to know, "what is going on between us?" Joey hesitates and says she doesn't know. Dawson says that ever since they got together, she's been pulling away from him, and he thought this was what she wanted, and that he was what she wanted. She says he is, but he doesn't really buy it, so she (sort of) clarifies: "You're what I'm going to want, Dawson." He asks what she means. She once again goes over the same old ground: all she ever thought about or dreamed about was him. He asks in a tiny broken voice, "What happened?" which is, bar none, the most egotistical thing he could possibly say at that moment. She says what happened is that she got her dream and now she feels that she doesn't have anything else. Dawson has his future planned, she says, and she herself doesn't even know who she is, much less what she wants to be and accomplish: "I guess I need to figure that out, and I need to find my 'something.'" And Dawson smugly answers, like he's got her all figured out, "So we'll find it," in his classic buck-up-little-camper voice, and has the gall to half-smirk at her. Joey hesitates and answers, "It can't include you, Dawson." Once again, Dawson's stricken expression is horribly disproportionate to what the situation requires. Dawson? Darling? She hasn't just told you she is dying of cancer, just that she wants to take a break. Your world is not going to end. And hey -- maybe this will give you the opportunity to actually pay attention to Pacey like you promised to do four episodes ago! Or maybe you could use this extra time to try to give your mother some comfort over her collapsing marriage, now that you and she are alone in that enormous house? Huh? Joey tries to explain: "It has to be my doing, and mine alone. You make me so happy, you know? But I have to make myself happy first, and that's probably the one thing in this whole world that you can't do for me." Dawson asks, "So what are you saying?" She starts to go, without answering. To stop her, he says, "I love you." She turns around, approaches him, and says, "I love you too," then starts to go again, and Dawson is so shocked that this little piece of emotional blackmail hasn't worked in his favour that he draws attention to it in an attempt to get her to change her course: "Wait! But, but, but, how can it be over? We can't just say 'I love you' for the first time and have it be over!" But Joey is a lot stronger than he is, and says firmly, "I have to go, Dawson. Goodnight." He stares at her in desperate horror and watches as she goes out the window. She stops a moment on the roof, and cries and holds her head in her hands, and then we cut back to him storming toward the window, and then she starts to go down the ladder. Then we cut back inside to him as he starts going fully Johnny Depp on his bedroom, smashing things up, and then stops abruptly and climbs outside, but she's already tearing across the lawn away from him, so he walks deliberately toward the ladder, and stares at it, and then equally deliberately nudges it to the ground with his toe, and let me just say, RUN, JOEY! RUUUUUNNNNN!