Hey, did you hear? It's the Countdown to Goodbye! Dawson's Creek is finally calling it quits! Whee! Ahem. I'm sorry. Was that too enthusiastic? ["I'm sorry -- I did so many cartwheels in a row, all the blood rushed to my head and I couldn't hear you over the roaring in my ears. What did you say?" -- Sars]
Anyway. Last time on Dawson's Creek: Dawson came to Audrey's rescue, despite that fact that the last time he saw her, she drove a car into his house. Blandy and Jen finally got it together and made out. Pacey remembered that Old Pacey was actually a fairly decent guy. Jack kissed TGED. And Audrey sobbed that she was ready to go to rehab after severely beating a guy with a mullet. The guy had a mullet, I mean. She didn't hit him with a disembodied mullet, or something. Although that would have rocked, in a surreal, acid-flashback kind of way.
Pacey and Jack stand in the middle of…somewhere…looking at something off-screen. Actually, thanks to the way my sofa is situated in relation to my television, it sort of looks like they're looking at…me! "My God. She is gorgeous," Pacey breathes. Why, thank you, Pacey. You're really too kind. I'm not even wearing any makeup! "Even I can appreciate that," Jack drools. Well, my goodness. Thank you, Jack. This blue sweatshirt is pretty flattering on me, isn't it? But bless your little heart. "And this one? She knows how to turn on the fun," Pacey tells him. Not to be immodest, but it's true. I do know how to turn on the fun. "Can you afford her?" Jack asks. Excuse me? I'm not sure what kind of a girl you think I am, Jack, but I assure you that price has no place in my relationship with Pacey. "Please, Jack. Do not tarnish this moment with talk of money," Pacey asks. Thank you, Pacey. "I'm just saying," Jack says. "I must have her," Pacey says, "therefore, I can afford her. Her, and all of her little toys, too." Well. This is getting a little kinky. Joey ambles up behind the boys and gives me a real once-over. "What are you guys even going to do with something this big?" she asks. Excuse me? What exactly are you insinuating, Joey? Are you calling me fat? "I mean, it's kind of grotesque," she adds. Grotesque? I may have put a few pounds on over Christmas, but "grotesque" seems a little uncalled for. "Not to mention the fact that Emma's going to freak when you drag it through the living room," she says. Drag? I had no idea that Pacey was into the caveman thing. I mean, he's cute and all, and he's certainly been sweet-talking the hell out of me here, but I'm not sure if I'm into that. Pacey turns to her with a quizzical expression as the camera pulls out to reveal that he has not, in fact, fallen in love with me, but with what is, by all accounts, a mighty big TV. I'll take that as a shout-out. Jack caresses the television with more passion than he's ever put into any of his love scenes. "This might be the most blatant display of capitalism I've ever seen," Joey says. Pacey shakes his head. "Don't be threatened by something you don't understand, Joey," Jack says. Seriously. That TV is gorgeous. Jack wanders off to find a salesperson as Joey drags Pacey away from the television set. As he goes, he waves at me. I mean, "at the television." Frankly, I sort of liked it better when he was in love with me, fat jokes, caveman behavior, and insinuations of prostitution notwithstanding.
"Aren't there better things you could be doing with your money?" Joey asks, as she and Pacey walk through the Best Buy. Pacey keeps picking up boxes of electronics and tucking them under his arm. "You mean, like funding your drug habit?" he snarks. Joey tilts her head and grins at him. "Come on, we're talking," she says, and then tells him that she's very impressed with the way he's turned out. "It's not the suit and it's not the high tech toys," she says. "It's how you got yourself to this place. How far you've come." Pacey stops and smiles down at her. "Not too far, I hope," he says. Joey furrows her brow. "Are you really worried about that?" she asks. Pacey just wonders if he'll ever be able to go back to being the person he used to be "Because he was actually a pretty good guy," he reflects. "You still are, Pacey," Joey tells him sincerely. She tells him he's always been this "madcap genius," just waiting for his potential to kick in. "It just kicked into overdrive," she smiles. "I'm proud of you." Pacey grins. "That means a lot coming from you, Jo," he says. Joey glances over at the television. "But if you think I'm going to sit in your apartment and pay homage to that thing, you're sorely mistaken," she announces. And she pronounces the "H" in "homage." Pacey whines that "it won't be a party without her." Joey assures him that she's coming to his party that evening. She's in dire need of "cheer and libations" since Oliver left, she says. Pacey nods sympathetically and tells her that she's got to stop the "support and inspirational thing. It doesn't work for [her]," he says. Joey grins and tells him not to make her regret all her "sentiments of pride." Pacey promises that he won't, as long as she comes to his party. It'll be good for her, he says. "And it really would mean a lot to me if you could accept her. As one of our own," he says of the television. Joey snorts at this, and pokes him in the abdomen. She waltzes off to check out the I-Pods. Pacey watches her go, dreamily. He stillllllll looooooooooves heeeeerrr!
After the credits, we open at Pacey's apartment, where the Best Buy guy is delivering that beautiful, beautiful television. Jack, Jen, and Pacey watch as the guy sets it up. Jack breathes that he's going to pray to the television every single night. Jen twists her face up disapprovingly. "It's a box. It's a big box, Jack. Since when have you shown an interest in big boxes?" Oh, slid one past the censors! Well played, writers. Well played. Jen continues, informing them that a huge, giant, flat-screen television won't bring them happiness. She's wrong, by the way. A huge flat-screen TV would bring me an enormous amount of happiness right about now. "Oh, I beg to differ. See, David's here right now, to check out the TV," Jack says, as TGED enters the room. "Oh, so you think you're going to get lucky because of the television?" Jen asks. No wonder Jen has so many problems with boys. In my experience, when one's beloved purchases an enormous and beautiful television, one is often so pleased that one puts out right there on the spot. Jack and TGED hug. "Holy big screen, Batman!" TGED yelps. "You were right. It is beautiful." Jen takes this opportunity to yap about how the TV is big enough to, like, block the sun and alter the alignment of the planets. "Spare me the manifesto, Jen. The quality of life just went up ten points around here," Pacey finally says. "Would you just give the old girl a chance? She will impress you with her skills." Jen rolls her eyes as Pacey runs his hands over the TV like a lover. "Love the TV. Touch the TV," he chants. Jen finally just chuckles and says she has to go, but she'll be back for the party. She mentions that she's bringing Blandy as her date. "[Blandy]. The guy from the concert?" Pacey asks. Jen's all, yeah. "The guy whose face you introduced to a brick wall," she clarifies, asking Pacey to please refrain from punching him again. Pacey swears he won't hit anyone. Jen thanks him and promises to come back with Blandy and ice. "Ice, which is for drinks. Not for broken boys' faces," she clarifies.
She's leaving as Emma enters with a scuzzy guy in tow. She stops short when she sees the television. "What in the Queen's name is that?" she asks in her horrible accent, and then announces that she hates the television. She hates the television? Why, Emma? Why? "She's an oversize hag who's taking up my practice space," she bitches to Pacey. Pacey affects a hurt expression. "Don't talk about Bertha like that," he says. Who are these people? Everyone I know would see a television of that size and immediately start drooling and speaking in tongues. "What in the Queen's name is that?" Jack asks, nodding at Emma's skeevy companion. "That's Gus. My fiancé," Emma announces. Everyone makes horrified faces as Gus burps loudly. TGED looks especially appalled. You know, I was watching a rerun of Felicity on WE the other day (shut up. I'm unemployed. It's a good show), and who was an extra in Felicity and Knoll's art class? TGED. He was sitting right behind Keri Russell. For some reason, that really amused me. Anyway.
Chung-CHUNG across the country to California and Audrey's rehab center, which I'm just going to call Promises, since she already made the de rigueur Ben Affleck crack. Dawson walks into the rehab center, where he's greeted by the receptionist with a cheery, "How can you help yourself today?" Dawson tells her that he's there to see a patient. At this, Audrey comes bounding into the lobby. "You are a sight for sober eyes!" she crows, as they hug. She pulls back and admits that she was scared he'd think her message was "a joke." Dawson smiles crookedly at her. "It sounded a little too desperate to be a joke," he says. Audrey nods and thanks him for not "flaking" on her. "Because I kinda would have deserved that," she says. Dawson just smiles. You know, these two have fairly decent chemistry. I don't think I'd want to take my own life if they ended up getting together. I reserve the right to rescind that comment at any time. "For the love of Joey Potter, please tell me you brought me something to read," Audrey whines. "A Jane magazine -- hell, I'd even settle for Martha, anything." Okay, that's the second mention of Jane in two weeks. Is Katie Holmes on the cover of Jane this month or something? Dawson shrugs, empty-handed. Audrey tells him that she's been reading The Bible, "out of desperation." She asks Dawson if he knows that "people steal a lot of things from the Bible." Dawson makes a noncommittal noise. I have this mental image of how a Dawson/Audrey relationship would play out, and it involves a lot talking about oneself and not listening to anything the other person says whatsoever.
Dawson and Audrey walk through the grounds. Audrey tells him that she's been smoking a lot, and then starts blathering and yammering and squealing about rehab and I just can't take it, so I zone out. How did Audrey go from being so likable last season to being such a pain in this ass this year? I assume Satan is somehow involved. Finally, she asks after Dawson's well-being. He tells her that he's been okay. He's living in Todd's guesthouse, he says. I guess that's what the kids are calling it these days. Living with Todd, Dawson groans, "has been its own kind of sobriety nightmare." If you know what he means. And I think you do. (Actually, I'm not even sure what he means. But I'm just assuming it's dirty, for my own amusement.) Apparently, The Worst Movie Ever Made is going straight to video, which Dawson assumes spells the end of all his hopes and dreams of being a director. "Yeah," Audrey drawls. " I'm in rehab, Dawson. Did you really not bring me any magazines?" Dawson laughs, and starts to tell her that, yes, she wins the Shitty Life Lottery, but he gets distracted by a woman fighting with the soda machine. "Do you know who that is?" he asks Audrey. Audrey shrugs that she's "the broad" who won all of Audrey's cigarettes at last night's poker game. Dawson tells her that it's "Toni Stark," who's some wunderkind producer, or something. Whatever. Dawson starts talking about movies and I have a relapse of my sleep apnea. Anyway, he wonders if he can talk to Toni, but worries that she might be mean to him; she's got a reputation for eating people for breakfast. Also, he'd be making the enormous faux pas of attempting to network with someone in rehab. Audrey points out that he only knows about this woman's drunken reputation. Sober, she might be nice. "And what about ME?" she asks. "Don't you want to talk to ME? Me, me, me, me, me, me me? Me! Me. Me?" Dawson looks at her. "You know, you're right," he says. "Let's work through what got you here in the first place." Audrey wrinkles her nose. "Nah. Let's stalk the burnout," she says. They run off.
Party town. Jen and Blandy come down the hallway, a large bag of crushed ice in tow. Blandy's washed his hair, and he looks infinitely more dreamy. In fact, he looks, dare I say it? Hot. His face is still a little blank-looking to me, but I wouldn't kick him out my bed for eating crackers. Or, frankly, anything. But perhaps I've already said too much. "Whose party did you say this was?" he asks. "I didn't. Funny, that. Let's go in," Jen rattles off quickly, making a move for the door. Blandy stops her. "Okay, it's my friend Pacey's party," Jen finally admits. Blandy twists his mouth up and tells her he has a better idea: drop off the ice and go to a movie. Jen grins and fingers her horrid haircut and tells him that these people are her friends, and if they're going to "do this," then everyone's going to have to get along. "Please?" she asks. He smiles, and they go inside.
The party is packed. "Nice television," Blandy says, mesmerized by the magic of spectacular electronics. Meanwhile, Joey and Pacey are making time near the makeshift bar. "Nice party, Pacey," she drawls. "I'm impressed." Pacey admits that he owes it "all to Bertha." Joey rolls her eyes. "Please tell me you didn't name the television," she says. "Oh, but I did," Pacey tells her, reaching around to grab a plastic cup. He offers her a drink, and Joey orders "something fruity and mind-numbing," which she says she needs after the past few weeks -- "Oliver and running off and all." Pacey raises his brows quizzically. "Don't give me that look," Joey says. "Like you're going to ask me who I am and what I've done to Joey Potter." Pacey swears that he was going to do no such thing. "And may I say, you look wonderful tonight?" he offers. Joey grins. "Thank you," she chirps. "I thought it was time for a shower." Pacey snorts and tells her she'll get through this tough time -- she always does. Joey mopes that she's always expected to be the responsible one. The one who picks up after everyone else's drunken antics. "Maybe tomorrow I won't do it and someone else will," she says. Pacey smiles down at her and reminds her that she can feel free to get wasted. She's safe in his apartment, and she can crash there if she likes. "Enjoy yourself," he says. Joey grins up at him. "That's a plan," she says. "All bets are off." With this, she pours an ample slug of vodka into her glass. Yay, Drunk Joey is funny! As far as I can remember, anyway.
Later. Joey looks a wee bit buzzed as she sits on the sofa and talks to TGED. She wonders dreamily when Jack will "go back to his art." TGED is interested to learn that Jack is even into art. The audience is interested to learn that the writers remember that Jack used to be into art. Actually, this entire episode benefits from a lengthy, practically hour-long visit from our old, little-seen friend Continuity. That, plus the reintroduction of the Joey and Pacey relationship, the improvement in Blandy's hair, and the simple fact that this episode revolves around the core cast members actually speaking to one another makes me think that, perhaps, someone has been reading the boards. Anyway, Joey nods conspiratorially and tells TGED that Jack's "really quite talented," and that it was his art which brought them together. "You know. Before." She then leans in and tells TGED that Jack actually used to be "shy and kinda dorky." She never would have known he liked her, she says, "except that one time I was sketching him for class. He got…excited." She makes an hilarious "how do you like them apples?" face. "No!" TGED gasps. "Waaaaaah!" Joey yells in agreement. The two of them burst into laughter. Hee.
Back to rehab, where Dawson basically harasses this poor producer. It's really very inappropriate behavior, although I have to give James Van Der Beek credit -- however grudging -- for pulling off this scene without looking like a complete twat. Basically, it goes like this: she hits on him, he calls her a genius, she gets all uncomfortable and bitter and tries to have sex with him again, and then he starts asking her for work. "Listen, baby bird, it's bad enough teasing a drying-out broad with your naughty bits, but it's worse trying to talk about the business with somebody who's out of it," she finally tells him. Oh, ew. Naughty bits? I think mine just shriveled up and fell off, thanks to that mental image. And with that, Dawson and the Washed-Up Producer part ways. In the background, Audrey laughs hysterically at The Head's Folly.
Party time! Jen and TGED hang around the fridge. Jen sputters that it's been a good party, "with no punching." TGED wonders if she wants a beer. "No. I'm going clean and sober tonight. Taking one for the [Blandy] team," she tells him. TGED reminds her that Blandy doesn't care if other people drink. Jen shrugs that it's "easier" this way. TGED snorts at this, but says nothing. Pacey leans in to get some things from the fridge. Jen asks how he is. Pacey shrugs that everything is fine. "I noticed the lack of fisticuffs. Thank you," she says. Pacey tells her that it's been very easy to be nice to Blandy. "We kissed, we made up, I offered him a drink, everything's fine," he says. Jen yelps that Blandy refused the drink, though, right? Pacey furrows his brow. "Why would he do that?" he asks. Jen yips that Blandy is a recovering alcoholic! "What's with all the underage alcoholics around here?" Pacey wonders, then promises that he's on the case. "Have you seen Joey?" he asks.
Speaking of Joey, she's off talking to Blandy in the hallway. She's moved from "delightfully buzzed" to "deeply in her cups." She leans drunkenly against a door jam and points at Blandy, who looks amused. "I really think it's great how you turned Jen around," she slurs. "Because, believe me, before? She was a troubled young lady." Hee. Katie Holmes seems, for the first time in two years, to actually be enjoying herself. Blandy makes the I Swear That I Am Taking You Very Seriously, Drunk Girl face, with which, I must admit, I am very familiar. "She killed a girl once." Joey leans in and says, very, very seriously. "What?" Blandy asks, shocked. "Abby Morgan. Killed her with champagne!" Joey announces drunkenly. Blandy looks around for someone to rescue him. "Want some?" Joey asks, waving her own bottle of champagne. "No. No," Blandy tells her. "Do yoooooou waaaaaaant soooooome?" Joey purrs, making a very silly face. "Mmmmmmmm," she breathes, waggling her eyebrows. Blandy looks mildly panicked, but mostly amused, as Pacey swoops in to rescue him. "Let's leave the nice man alone," he asks Joey, then turns to Blandy and off-handedly apologizes for offering him a drink.
Pacey leads Joey into another corner of the apartment, sits her on the bed, and hands her a glass of water. "He seems like a nice guy," Joey reflects. "I hope those kids work it out." Pacey nods companionably, and just sits there to her. "Pacey," Joey begins sadly. Oh, dear. We've moving into The Maudlin And Deeply Depressed stage of drunkenness, which, at least in my life, is often accompanied by phases of I Will Never Work Again, Everyone Is Successful Except For Me, and I'll Never Be In Love Again, So Why Don't I Just Die Right Now?. "Everybody's working it out. Jen and [Blandy]. That British girl and that gross guy. I'm just no good at this. I push people away," she wails. Pacey assures her that this isn't true. "Oh no? Then why do they go out to sea or move across country or follow their dreams, just because I told them to?" she sniffles. Pacey just makes a sympathetic face. "There's always something better out there than me," she says tearfully. Pacey puts a hand on Joey's shoulder and tells her that he thinks she's looking at this the wrong way. "Maybe you're just such an amazing woman that you make these guys want to be better men," he tells her. Joey's too drunk to tell him that he ripped that off from As Good As It Gets, and just sniffles. And I'm too pleased by the fact that this episode is watchable to get into a lather about Joey and her Irritating It. "Well. We're not together," she reminds him. "True enough," he says calmly, but a bit sadly. "Yeah." Joey bursts into a smile. "Well, don't you look so glum!" she chirps. "We're talking about my sucky life. Yours," she says with a cheerful grin, "is a success!" And then she sticks her fingers in his cheeks to make him smile, but he does it of his own accord, anyway. Joey stops and puts her hand over her mouth. "Oh, I forgot! You're still not over me," she says. "Really?" Pacey asks. Joey reminds him of The Christmas Dinner From Hell. "That was one of Audrey's enlightening comments. You're still not over me. That must SUCK," she tells him. Pacey hides a smile. "Oh, it does," he tells her. "You have no idea of the hardships I go through, trying to maintain a friendship with a dream girl such as yourself. You have no idea." Joey nods sympathetically. "It gets lonely," she says. "It does. I cry myself to sleep at night. But Jack and I cuddle. It eases the pain. He's very loving," Pacey tells her. Joey laughs. "Oh, Pace," she giggles. "You know what? I am a good catch," she announces after a moment. And with that, she stands very carefully and stumbles away. Pacey wistfully watches her go.
This cues up The Delightful Drunken Party Montage, which gets points for using the Donnas as background music. Everyone drinks merrily and laughs and laughs and laughs!
Jack and Emma sit on the sofa. Her unpleasant fiancé sits on Emma's other side and stares into the distance. Jack asks her when she stopped going to school. She's clearly putting on a brave face as she tells him that she quit at the end of the semester. "The band's really taking off and I just couldn't keep up. When am I going to need to know the origin of the baroque period, anyway?" she asks. "Totally," Gus groans, to her. Emma, you moron. Surely you knew that quitting school would invalidate your student visa. I'd feel sorry for you, except for the part where this muddle you've found yourself in is entirely of your own doing. Jack leans over and asks Gus if he's in school. "No need. I'm going to be a roadie for the little lady," Gus announces. Emma laughs uncomfortably and tells Jack that Gus is actually "a brilliant pianist." Gus, however, is very busy playing with a wad of gum stuck to the bottom of his shoe. "Wicked," he breathes. Jack looks vaguely nauseated and asks Emma if she's really thought this marriage thing through. "No offense, Gus," he adds, and tells Emma that she seems to be moving very quickly. Emma tells him that that is the point. Her visa's run out. In order to stay in the country, she has to "marry some Yankee bastard." What a romantic notion. She points out that Gus has been really very agreeable about the entire thing. "Haven't you, Gus?" she asks. "Right on, baby mama," he drawls, and winks. Heh.
Emma shudders and stands, asking if anyone wants anything. Gus wants a beer. And chips. And a sandwich. And then he slaps her on the ass. Emma stomps off, and Jack reminds Gus that marriage is a big sacrifice. Gus shrugs that Emma is giving him free food and board and meals and also letting him bang other chicks. "Whatever, man, she's got a nice rack," he finishes up, as Emma comes back, sandwich in hand. She asks cheerfully if they're getting to know each other. "Yeah, your old man's cool," Gus says. "Doesn't even seem all that gay." At this, Jack just bites his tongue. To keep from yelling, "That's absolutely correct!"
Rehab, as if anyone even cares. So, anyway, Audrey drags Dawson into this group therapy session, where she pretends to be a Southern woman married to Dawson -- her cousin -- and blah blah blah, in the course of pretending to be sorry for all of her fictional wrongs and misdeeds, she actually has a legitimate breakthrough and throughout it all, Dawson is Mr. Supportive and Mr. Unconditional Friendship and all I Love You Even If You Did Drive A Car Through My House and yadda yadda yadda, let's get back to Joey and Pacey.
At the party, Jack and Pacey watch as Emma fails to complete a keg stand. Fucking amateur. They agree that they're terminally grossed out by Gus. Pacey sighs that he just doesn't get Emma. Jack nods and says that he knows she's in a bind, but wonders why she didn't say anything to them. Pacey shrugs. "I wonder what kind of creep would marry someone he didn't love," Jack asks. "That kind of creep," Pacey says, taking a sip of beer. "It's like he's given up hope. When you stop to think about it, it must suck to be him." At this, he stops, and thinks about what he's just said. Hmmm -- is that little enlightened comment supposed to apply to anyone else in this scene? Is it? IS IT?
Over to Blandy and Jen. She's being sanctimonious, and he's being defensive. Two great tastes that taste great together. Jen asks if he's been drinking. Blandy tells her that he'd be a great deal more likely to answer that question if she wasn't looking at him like he'd "killed Grams drunk-driving." Jen lies and says that she's just curious. Blandy reminds her that Pacey offered him a drink, and considering the fragility of his and Pacey's relationship, he thought it would be rude to turn it down. Jen can't believe that Blandy would throw "years of sobriety" down the toilet over "a question of etiquette." Blandy rolls his eyes and calmly tells her that he doesn't expect her to understand. He just didn't want to get into the alcoholism thing with a stranger. "Thanks for telling him, incidentally," he adds. "Now, he's apologizing to me like I'm dying or something." "Well, it is a disease," Jen snips primly. Oh, Jen. Cram it! You killed a girl, remember? Blandy snaps that he knows that; he's the one who trained her for the Teen Help Me Help You Help Me Helpline. Jen flails her arms and whines that she just wants to know why he's not sticking to his grand life plan? Blandy retorts that, lately, he's been wondering if he's been too strict with himself. Anyhoo, this is where it all comes out that he hasn't even been drinking! He's just holding the cup of booze and thinking about drinking! And if thinking about doing things counted, I'd be in prison for murder six times over. And that's just counting today's crimes. "I'd be more concerned about your friend Joey over there," he tells Jen. "She told me you killed someone." Jen's all, wait, you're not drinking? "Why? Would that change all the conclusions you just jumped to?" Blandy asks, and Jen admits that it totally would. He shrugs he's been thinking about taking a drink, "just like [he's] been thinking about pursuing normalcy with [her]." Jen looks down at her feet. "But apparently you find that wildly insulting," Blandy adds. Jen looks up at him and tells him that she doesn't want their relationship to be detrimental to either of them. Blah blah blah, the real question is: can these two kids make a go of it? I suspect that they can. Because I saw the previews.
And it's time for Spin the Bottle! I haven't played that game in years. Well, not since Spin the Bottle Thursday here at TWoP Towers, anyway. So, everyone sits around an empty champagne bottle, and Jen announces that she's not kissing Gus, who has the first spin. She's obviously unclear on the concept of Spin the Bottle. It's not, like, pick and choose. Anyway, she has no reason to worry, as the bottle lands on Joey. Everyone looks at La Potter, who blanches. "New rule. No tongue," she says. "No, what's fair is fair. And don't mess with me. I've killed before," Jen tells her. Joey leans in very close to Jen's face. "I know," she whispers. Loudly. Heh. "No tongue? Screw that," Gus says, and then starts licking her face. That actually happened to me once. Long story, the moral of which is: don't ever do that to anyone. Joey wipes her face off and spins the bottle. She lands on Jack, and they smooch cheerfully. Kerr Smith is clearly thrilled to be kissing a girl. , Jack kisses Emma, and Emma kisses Jen. Jen kisses Blandy. And kisses him. And kisses him. And then they run off to have sex. "Wait. This isn't, like, seven minutes in heaven! You have to come back," Joey calls after them. "You just want to kiss Jen," Jack snarks. Joey makes a face at him, as Pacey shrugs that they've forfeited their turn and spins the bottle himself. It lands on Joey. She smiles, and turns to face him. She gulps down her drink and licks her lips. "Lay one on me, Pace," she says, and purses her lips dramatically. Pacey just gazes at her for one long moment until…Gus knocks the television over. I don't know when he got up from the game, but he's just ruined that beautiful TV, and thus he must be destroyed. Everyone screams in horror and despair. Pacey is bodily dragged off Gus, who he's viciously throttling. After Emma drags Pacey away, preventing, surely, a murder, she smacks Gus across the back of the head and announces that the wedding is off. She marches Gus out of the apartment. "We haven't even done it yet," he calls sadly. "I'm aware of that," Emma snaps. Meanwhile, Pacey and Jack weep over their television set. "Anybody want to play sardines?" Joey asks cheerfully…then falls over, dead drunk.
Rehab of the Boring. Audrey walks Dawson out to his car, thanking him for coming to see her and telling him that she did some "hardcore healing" in their phony therapy session. She's had more fun with him than she has in months, she says. Dawson shrugs that, for his part, he's realized that his problems aren't that bad. Audrey looks at her feet and tells Dawson that she's scared of what's beyond the rehab gates. She didn't leave things on the best of terms, she reminds him. "It can be like it was. Minus the bad parts," Dawson assures her kindly. "I don't think it can," Audrey tells him. "But I'm kind of glad of that." At this, they hug, and he leaves.
Back at the party, TGED and Jack chat on the sofa. "You really used to go out with Joey, huh?" TGED asks. Jack's all, "You've been talking to Joey?" TGED shrugs. "Well, if you didn't keep ditching me to go make out with girls," he says. Oh, TGED. You have no idea. Jack wonders what Joey told him, exactly. "I'd like to see your work sometime," TGED answers. I just bet he would. Jack chuckles and apologizes for being so distracted. He's pretty worried about Emma, he says. "Crisis averted," TGED reminds him, nodding at the destroyed television. Jack muses that he had no idea she was in such a bad state. TGED reminds him that this isn't his problem to solve. "Unless you want to go marry her yourself," he says. Oh my God, TGED, don't go putting words in his mouth!
Blandy and Jen lie nekkid in Pacey's bed, covered in people's coats. Well, Jen is under the coats. I think Blandy is under the blankets, properly. Not that there's anything particularly proper about having sex in your friend's bed during a party, at least as far as actual etiquette is concerned. Especially when that bed is covered in other people's clothing. Eventually, Blandy pulls himself out of her arms and starts to get dressed. "I think some people want to get in here," he says. Jen tells him to let them wait. "Their coats aren't that nice, anyway," she says. Well, they certainly aren't now, all covered in…stuff. "You should know. You're the one wallowing around in them," Blandy tells her. Ew. Why would you have sex on these poor innocent people's overcoats? That's what the floor is for. Anyway, they start making out some more. "Sure beats arguing over whether or not I had a drink," Blandy whispers. Jen smiles that that was fun for a while too, then admits that she really needs to let him live his life. He shrugs and confesses that she wasn't entirely wrong. He was nervous when he saw Pacey, he says. "It reminded me of all the drama. I just wanted to make you happy. Try to be normal." Jen tells him that she was trying to do the same thing. "I don't care about any of that stuff anymore. I just want to do this. Can we do this?" she asks. "I think we just did," he smiles. "I think some coat owners aren't going to be too happy with the result." People! That's so uncalled for! Don't spooge on clothes that don't belong to you or your partner! It's cold in Boston! Those people are going to have to go home in juicy jackets! It's just wrong! It offends me! Both as a partygoer, and as someone who just really likes coats. Jen tells him that she's serious. He knows that, he says. "You tried faking me out before, remember? You're not very good at it." They smile at each other, and Blandy tries to convince her to come out from under the coats. "This is Joey's coat. She has enough coats," Jen says. Shout-out? Blandy grins, and kisses her. "Come on, let's go get wasted," he laughs.
Eventually, everyone leaves the party. Jack and Emma clean. Jack tells her that he's awfully sorry about her "failed marriage and everything." But he thinks it's better for her to go home to England than to find herself in a loveless marriage.
Emma caterwauls that she doesn't want to go home "as a failure." Then you shouldn't have left school, you idiot. Surely she knew that she would lose her student visa if she stopped being a student. So why would she quit school without a back-up plan? If this is some ploy to get Emma off the show, I'm all for that, but they could have just had her killed. Anyway, Emma whines that she's not looking for love. And if she finds it, she'll just "dump the poor sod" she married. Dude, Emma sucks. Jack tells her that he'd be the perfect husband. He'd help her check out guys and make sure they're not gay, for one thing. Also, he wouldn't make her have sex with him. "Well, that sounds great. Let's get married then," Emma snarks. "Let's do it," Jack says. Emma just laughs. "Yeah, um, how much have you had to drink?" she asks. But Jack points out that they already live together. Emma shakes her head and tells him that she doesn't want to ask anyone she cares about for that big of a favor. "You don't have to, because I'm asking you," Jack says. Emma wraps him in a giant hug. "You are too good," she tells him. "Well, not really. I didn't get you a ring," he points out. Emma smacks him lightly. "Good point!" she yells. But she can't marry him, she says. "I can't ruin two lives," she tells him, and sniffles that she has to "fix [her] own mess." Oh, whatever. It's not like they're sending you back to the Soviet Bloc, you ninny. But why bring up this entire Emma Must Get Married To Stay In The Country thing if they're going to drop it right off the bat? Please tell me this will be used to explain her absence from the show in future episodes, and not that it will used to explain why Jack is marrying a girl?
Meanwhile, Pacey carries Joey into the bedroom and gently lies her down on the bed. He pulls her sweater down to cover her stomach and takes off her shoes. She's really very drunk. "Well, that was fun," Joey breathes. "See, I'm a lovely drunk." Pacey wraps a blanket around her. "You are, indeed," he agrees. She gazes moonily up at the ceiling. "People love me," she chortles. "And they love it when you tell them your friends' dirty little secrets," he says. He tucks the blanket around her shoulders, and this shot of Joshua Jackson is truly swoon-worthy. It just is. He hasn't been this cute in a year and a half, easy. Even with the goatee. "Huh?" Joey asks. Pacey tells her to forget it. She's just about asleep, anyway. "It was a wonderful party, Pacey," she murmurs. "Until all the smashes and stuff." Pacey smiles down at her and agrees. "Sorry about the television thing," she says. Pacey shrugs that he was probably getting too attached. "We can't have that," Joey slurs. "No," Pacey responds, very carefully. I don't think he's talking about the television anymore, and it may destroy my recapper's cool exterior to say this, but I don't care: Eee. Eeeeee. Eeeeee! I forgot how very watchable these two are together. This is the first episode they haven't phoned in since I don't know when. "I'm glad you had a good time," he tells her. "You deserve it. And you are a lovely and wise drunk, Miss Potter," he says, gazing down at her sleeping face. "What you said earlier was right. I never did. How could I? Just look at you," he breathes. Joey opens her eyes a little bit. "You know what else we never did?" she asks. He says nothing, but she sits up and kisses him. And he kisses her back. When they separate, Joey falls back on the pillow, her eyes still closed. Pacey opens his own eyes very slowly. "Your turn now," she whispers. Pacey leans in and kisses her forehead. "Sweet dreams, Joey," he whispers. Damn! Just when I thought I was out! They pull me back in!