Previously, on Kill Me Now: Audrey did a lot of drinking. Dawson, against all odds, was hired to direct the reshoots on Todd's movie. Jen and Blandy flirted weakly over at the Memorial Teen Help Line. And Joey and Oliver did a lot of passive-aggressive snipping about cowardice versus romance.
Worthington College Without Classes. Audrey packs a bag and whines that she doesn't want to go to rehab. Joey retorts that she doesn't care: Audrey has a problem, and she has to go dry out. "I've read the brochures and it doesn't look like fun," Audrey says. Yeah, that's why it's called "rehab" and not "vacation," Audrey. Joey turns and gives her a dirty look, asking if Audrey remembers when Joey found her unconscious. Audrey makes a "duh" face and reminds Joey that she couldn't have, being unconscious. "The doctor said you could have died," Joey tells her. Audrey shrugs that she thinks the doctor was just being "overdramatic," and points out that kids get alcohol poisoning all the time. Well, kids die from it now and then, too, missy. And, with that, I have officially become my mother. Not that I'm all anti-drinking (as my antics this past New Year's Eve surely prove), but one of my college friends was an alcoholic -- a real alcoholic, not just a wild student who liked to tie one on every now and then -- and it was no fun. She used to drive drunk, the whole bit. It was a very bad scene. Anyway. Joey rolls her eyes and repeats that Audrey needs help. And she needs to get surrounded by people she loves: her parents. Audrey makes a face, and sarcastically thanks Joey for calling Ma and Pa Liddell. "That was a fun conversation," she snaps. Joey says nothing, but simply holds up a red sweater and asks if Audrey wants to bring it with her. Audrey snits that it "doesn't accentuate the rack enough." Joey sighs that Audrey needs to concentrate on getting better, not getting laid. Audrey opines that she ought to be able to do both. "What if Ben Affleck is there? He's the sexiest man alive, you know?" she says. Joey just chuckles, instead of pointing out that Ben Affleck wears a rug.
Audrey bounds back into the bathroom to pack the rest of her toiletries and asks Joey if she's packed the five or six Jane magazines that she missed when she was all boozed out. Audrey would read Jane. Since Jane is basically bad-humored and, well, sucky. As is Audrey. Joey promises that they're all packed, along with some InStyles and a tape of Trading Spaces. Oh, please. Audrey doesn't watch Trading Spaces. I can see her watching, say, Days of Our Lives, but not Trading Spaces. Not that there's anything wrong with Days, yo. Now that I'm unemployed -- I mean, "on hiatus" -- I've gotten a little sucked into it. It's on right before Passions! People are hearing voices! Soaps are fun! Anyway, Audrey squeals that Joey is the best. They embrace, as the phone rings. It's Audrey's cab; Joey tells the person on the other end of the line that Audrey will be down in a moment. They hug again, Joey whispering that Audrey needs to try her best to get better. "You can do this," she says. "Blah, blah, blah," Audrey responds. No, that was actually the line. "Can I have a drink at the airport?" she asks. Yeah, she's ready to go clean and sober. Joey, naturally, forbids Audrey to have a drink at the airport, and tells her to call if she does end up having sex with Ben Affleck. Audrey nods and says that when she gets back, she'll be clean, sober, and a hell of a lot more boring. "I can't wait," Joey promises. Audrey looks at her, and then at the floor, and thanks Joey for not giving up on her. They hug again, and then, with a cheery "fly safe!" from Joey, Audrey leaves. As soon as the door closes, she leans against the wall and makes a petulant face. Yeah, Joey totally should have walked her to the cab.
Credits. "I hear this song in my nightmares," the Scully action figure says. "It's worse than that time I got the anal probe," the Mulder agrees.
The day? Three hours later? I don't know. Joey's in her room, hurrying to get to class. Oliver knocks on the door. "What do you want?" Joey asks. Her hair looks horrible. It's dark brown from the crown to about Katie Holmes's ears, at which point it turns bright orange. It's really ghastly. Have the hair and make-up people already moved on to their gig? Because there's no excuse for how horrible everyone looks in this episode, especially Katie Holmes. Oliver tells her that he's come to say goodbye. "Really? Because that's not really your style, is it?" Joey spits. Haven't we already been through this? Last week? With the bitter "I love you"s and all that? Oliver tells Joey that he's thought a lot about what she said to him about not giving up, about taking chances. "You were right about everything, Joey," he says, which is, I presume, Joey's favorite sentence in the entire world. "I was afraid," he admits. But, he tells her, he's going to California, where he'll live with his sister and her family. He's going to enter that writer's program. "That's great," Joey says. Oliver shrugs that he doesn't know if anything will come of it, but he's taking the chance anyway. "Good for you," Joey says flatly, and asks when he's leaving. Oliver tells her that his car is packed and ready. He's hitting the road tonight. He just wanted to come by and thank her. "I owe you big time, Joey Potter," he says. Because, of course, Joey brings only goodness and light, success and opportunity into the lives of everyone around her. Even -- nay, especially -- people who hate her. Oliver says that he knows she "hates [his] guts," but he'd like to give her a hug. And so they embrace. Oliver smells Joey's hair, while she looks conflicted over his shoulder. Her phone rings, and she tears herself from his embrace to answer it. It's Audrey mom, and, not surprisingly, Audrey never got on the plane. Joey hangs up, looking perturbed. "What is it?" Oliver asks, concerned. "You know how you said you owe me big time? I might be collecting sooner than you thought," Joey tells him.
Over on the west coast, Dawson's trying to direct the reshoots of The Worst Movie Ever Made. He's not having a lot of luck; the crew is sassy and truculent and resents him. They are my people. Natasha is even worse: she comes up to Dawson and asks him why the scene they're working on "sucks so much." She hates it. "Who wrote it?" she asks. Dawson admits that he did. "Oh. Well, could you find a way to say some of it smarter?" Natasha asks. Natasha, after the film wraps, is coming to work here at TWoP Towers. But we're giving her the desk in the copy room. Dawson says nothing, just looks put upon. He opens his mouth to tell Natasha something -- something that's probably not very witty, considering the source -- but his phone rings, stopping him in his tracks. It's Gale, calling to see if he's eating right. He tells her he'll call her back, and turns to Natasha. "Now, where were we?" he asks. "We were talking about how much I suck, right?" Hee. Okay, fine: I like self-deprecating, big fat failure, in over his head, giant loser Dawson. Natasha informs him that she's not doing this scene. "I don't do nudity," she says. Dawson promises that it's going to be really tastefully shot. Natasha doesn't care. She's not doing it. She stomps off. Dawson flares his nostrils. Dude, if she's not doing nudity, it should already be in her contract. Call the lawyer. Or something. Oh, wait: I don't care about Natasha.
Back to Boston. Grams (Grams is alive! She doesn't appear to be dead at all! "Unless she's one of the walking dead," the Mulder suggests. Writers: Take a note. Walking dead = entertaining TV.) climbs out of a car, slamming the door. "The nerve!" she hisses, before running into Jen on the walkway in front of their house. Jen's hair is just so bad. She looks like the little Dutch Boy, if the little Dutch Boy had cut his own hair. And was blind. "I think Clifton Smalls and I have just broken up," Grams announces. Jen asks why, and interprets Grams's non-specific half-answer as meaning that Clifton wanted Grams to do something kinky and inappropriate in the sack. Grams assures Jen that everything was fine as far as their sex life went. "Any reference to Mr. Smalls's surname is a misnomer, let's leave it at that," she says. "Oh," Jen says. "Ew," I say. Honestly, I don't want to think about Grams's sex life. I love her, but I don't want anyone else to, you know, love her. Grams explains that Clifton Smalls wanted her to convert to Judaism. But, wait! Didn't Grams meet Clifton Smalls at choir practice? Or were they just telling Jen that they were practicing for choir together when they were actually having sex? Yeah, let's just back away from this topic, shall we? Anyway, Grams didn't want to convert, and they broke up. "I can't turn my back on my faith," she says. "Big Baby Jesus would have a fit," Jen agrees. Seriously, guys, is Jen on drugs? Who says that to their grandmother? Or, really, at all? Wu Tang Klan jokes are so 1998. Jen covers, and tells Grams that she deserves much better than Clifton Smalls. "He's a freak," she yips. Grams shakes her head and tells Jennifah that, whatever Clifton Smalls is, he is not a freak. "He's a wonderful man." She sighs.
Cut to a posh Boston hotel. Joey knocks aggressively on the door of Room 34. "Audrey, open up! I know you're in there," she yells. The door swings open, revealing Seth Rogen and a puff of smoke. Yay! I love Seth Rogen. "Where’s the food?" he asks, scratching his belly. "Who are you?" Joey asks. "Um, Bob?" he responds mildly, as Joey pushes her way inside and demands to see Audrey. "Oh, is that the blonde girl?" Bob asks. Joey is appalled that he spent the night with Audrey without even knowing her name. "Well, we didn't do much talking. We porked," Bob explains. Hee hee. I'm sorry. I don't even like that phrase, but Seth Rogen is so funny to me. His delivery is just…amusing. People, I have to hang onto something here. Bob tells Joey that Audrey's in the bathroom.
Joey pushes open the bathroom door to find Audrey passed out in the bathtub. She covers her mouth and looks horrified, like Audrey is dead. Which is clearly what we're all supposed to think, but we all saw the previews and also this show is too chicken to kill anyone off anymore. Remember when Abby Morgan fell off the pier and drowned? That rocked. I wish that would happen again. Maybe to Joey? Anyway. When Audrey moves, Joey screams. Audrey turns and sees Joey, and she screams. Even Oliver screams a little bit. It's a little funny. Joey hands Audrey a robe, as Oliver averts his eyes. "What were you doing?" Joey yelps. "Taking a bath! Then I fell asleep! What does it look like I'm doing?" Audrey asks, climbing out of the bath and wrapping the robe around her naked body. "I thought you two were splitsville," Audrey continues, nodding at Oliver. Joey merely exposits that Audrey never showed up for rehab. "You've really got an eye for detail. How long have you been on the force, Detective?" Audrey asks. Joey ignores this, and just asks where Audrey picked up Bob. Audrey explains that she was singing Guns 'n' Roses at a local karaoke bar, and Bob just started worshipping her. Out in the bedroom, Bob attempts to put on his pants and falls down on his face. Oliver, kitted out as usual in his Marty McFly ensemble, looks at Bob like he's stealing Oliver's schtick. Joey announces that they're leaving for rehab. Now. "Joey, don't get all Afterschool Special on me now," Audrey snits. She's not going, she says, and Joey will have to deal. "Fine! Don't go to rehab! But at least come with us! Clear your mind or something!" Joey yells, asking if Audrey really wants to be hanging out with the likes of Bob? At this, Bob starts hacking and appears, coughing, in the doorway. "Mind if I pee?" he asks. Audrey rolls her eyes, and tells Joey that she'll go. On one condition. "I get to take Bob." She announces that Bob is "an outstanding lay." Bob looks bloated and proud. "I am?" he asks. "You are," Audrey mutters. "Hear that, Veronica? Betty thinks I'm an outstanding lay. Want a piece?" Bob asks Joey. Joey ignores him, telling Audrey that Bob can come. "Get your stuff," she commands, then drags Oliver out to the car. Bob watches as Audrey examines the hotel toiletries and wonders where they're going. "Los Angeles," Audrey tells him. "Cool, that's where Ozzy lives," Bob squeals. "You have beautiful breasts. Someone should tell you that every day," he continues. "Rub that lotion." Huh? Who is he, all of a sudden, Jame Gumb?
After the break, we come back to what looks like video footage from The Road Trip of the Damned. Also known as: filler. But at least there's no dialogue. Finally, after oodles of Audrey and Joey smiling into the camera, and Seth Rogen making funny faces -- and can I just say how sad I am that poor Seth Rogen has been reduced to making guest appearances on Dawson's Creek? Here's hoping he did it as a favor to someone, because I think he's better than this. Seth, I love you. Anyway. What was I even talking about? Oh, right. After the video footage, we get back to the actual show. Audrey and Bob are asleep in the backseat. Oliver shoots Joey a dirty look. "What?" Joey asks. "It's just that you haven't said a word in four hours," Oliver says. "What do you want me to say?" Joey asks crabbily. Oliver suggests that she thank him for helping her out like this. Joey points out that he was going to California anyway. "It's really more about simple human kindness," Oliver says. Oliver, Joey hasn't known anything about that since at least Season Three.
They bicker -- about their break-up, of course -- until Audrey wakes up in the backseat and wonders where they are. "Somewhere in North Carolina," Joey says. "The South will rise again!" Audrey yells, stretching. Hopefully, the South will rise and slap you in the face, Audrey. Audrey bitches that "this road trip blows." They haven't done anything fun yet, she whines. "Let's stop to smell the roses," she says. On cue, Bob farts. Loudly. Cue ten minutes of Fart In A Car jokes. I'm not a huge fan of fake jokes, but Seth Rogen is funny, so…okay. I'll let it pass, this time. "I'm sorry. My ass was relaxed when I was sleeping," he mutters when he wakes up. Audrey screams about the odor until my ears start bleeding. Finally Bob changes the subject, telling her that if she's in the market for a new addition when she gets out of rehab, "[he] knows a drug called B.O.B." Audrey rolls her eyes and says she'll consider it, but he has to do something about the sex thing. "It was a little brief, don't you think?" she asks. Bob insists that this is entirely her fault. "You went all hellcat on me," he says. Joey smirks in the front seat. I'm learning way too much about the sex lives of the tertiary characters on this show today.
Back to Improbable: The Movie That Would Never Be. Executive Barbie Whitney stomps over to Dawson and announces that his dailies suck, they're over budget and they're behind schedule. She's pissed. But I don't know why she's surprised. He was the director's assistant two days ago. He barely has any experience! "You have a meltdown on your hands," she says. "How you deal with this will define your career. Other than that, keep up the good work, sweetie pie," Whitney pronounces, and storms off. I can not believe how overplucked her eyebrows are. Will the makeup terrorists on this show stop at nothing? Will they spare no one? Dawson, panicking, calls Todd. But Todd's not around to bail him out. "Not so easy, is it?" Natasha asks, appearing as if from out of nowhere. Dawson heaves a giant sigh and admits that they had sort of a rough day yesterday. "What can I do to make today a more pleasant experience?" he asks wearily. Natasha rolls her eyes and asks if he's "retarded." Dawson has no response. "Because you're acting kind of retarded," she continues. Then she announces that she's not doing his crappy scene -- yes, again -- and stomps off. In her wake, the cameraman takes this opportunity to tell Dawson that he -- Dawson -- has no idea what he's doing, and then he -- the cameraman -- storms off.
More Wacky Road Trip Video Footage. This road trip would be way more lifelike if someone was playing "death is not an option." The kids pull over for gas and snacks. When Oliver and Joey come out of the mini-mart with snacks in hand, Audrey is standing on top of Oliver's car. He, obviously, isn't that thrilled, and asks her to get down. Audrey shrugs that his car is just a piece of crap anyway. Oliver snorts that it probably doesn't compare to the little convertible her daddy bought her, but it's "all [he] has." "Guess it sucks to be you, huh?" Audrey sasses. Oliver turns to Joey. "It's wrong to hit girls, right?" he asks wearily. "Sadly, yes," Joey says. "That's what I thought," Oliver sighs. Poor Oliver. If I were him, I'd leave Audrey and Joey on the side of the road and just take off with Bob. Anyway, Audrey makes some snide comment about Oliver's bright future pumping gas and finally slides off the hood. "You're not funny," Joey says. Audrey rolls her eyes. "I am many things, Joey Potter, but not funny is not one of them," she says. The two of them then recap the entire Joey/Oliver relationship again, like, we know! We just saw this entire thing play out last week! Focus, writers! Focus! Eventually, Audrey accuses Joey of escorting her to Los Angeles just so she can spend some quality time with Oliver. Joey sputters that this is entirely untrue. Audrey rolls her eyes and asks Joey to "have the guts" to tell her the truth. "It's not about me. It's about him," Audrey snaps, and climbs into the car. Joey shakes her head and crosses over to the back of the car, where Oliver is…well, standing there. Joey apologizes for Audrey's behavior, but not for her own ghastly appearance. Is Katie Holmes ill? I'm quite serious. She looks exhausted, and her skin is almost gray. She must be praying for hiatus. Or, you know, unemployment. Oliver shrugs and kindly says that this trip has certainly proven more interesting than going to California all by himself would have been. And then the car lurches out of the gas station, taking half of the pump with it. The bag of snacks that Oliver had placed on the roof of the car flies everywhere. What a horrible way to treat your snacks. Does Audrey respect nothing?
The I'm Out Of Clever Help-Related Puns Already Helpline. No one is calling, so Jen and Blandy just stare at each other. Jen looks possibly the worst I've ever seen her, in that insane Dutch Boy haircut and this absurd orange sweater worn over a collared, button-down shirt. She looks like Mia Farrow, and I don't mean during the gamine Rosemary's Baby years. I'm talking about the crazy, Little Dutch Boy haircut, wave at Woody Allen from across the park years. Jen wonders if Grams will call. "I found her this morning, staring at the phone and listening to Lionel Richie," she says. Blandy nods, telling her that he knows the drill. His "Uncle Bill" has been really blue since Blandy's aunt died. "He was devastated. They were like Ozzy and Sharon," Blandy says. What's with all the Ozzy references this week? Was that part of Jack Osbourne's contract? I mean, I like Ozzy, too, but I think having Jack has a semi-recurring presence is enough of a shout-out. Anyway, quicker than you can say "Boring Plot Twist Sure To Be Forgotten Within The Three Episodes," Jen and Blandy scheme to hook up Uncle Bill with Grams.
Oliver and Joey walk sadly along the side of the road, trying to hitch a ride. "You try to help someone, your car gets stolen and you're stuck on the side of the road with someone who hates you," Oliver grouses. Joey sighs that she doesn't hate him, but she's frustrated. Their relationship was supposed to be over, she whines. It was? Did they recut the scene between Joey and Oliver that closed out last week's episode after this episode was already in the can? Because it seemed pretty open-ended to me. Plus, they did the whole "I love you" thing. I'm just…confused. Oliver gives Joey a Meaningful Look, but she tells him she doesn't want to talk about them; she wants to talk about Audrey. "I can't figure out how to help her." Oliver shakes his head and tells Joey that she can't help someone who doesn't want help. Well, duh. Hasn't Joey ever watched Lifetime? Joey wonders what Oliver's getting out of this whole ordeal, anyway. "Isn't it obvious? I get to spend some time with you," Oliver says. Joey looks pleased in spite of herself, but tells Oliver that Audrey thinks that this trip is about Joey, not Audrey. Well, Audrey's clearly learned that, on this show, everything is about Joey. And could someone please explain to me why no one ever says anything to anyone else directly? I mean, it's all "so and so said such and such about this and that." Just have the characters actually talk to each other! Jeez. Finally, Joey tells Oliver that she's "having trouble letting [him] go," even though he's "made it painfully clear" how he feels about her, and she's just "prolonging the inevitable." Huh? He loves you, Joey. He told you that last week. Did they forget that? Did I hallucinate that? What is going on here? Oliver stares at her. "It's probably going to sound cheesy, but I've never cared about anyone the way I care about you," he tells her. "But it's too late. I screwed up. But the way I feel about you? I love you, Joey." Aw. Man. That was sort of sweet. Of course, this is coming from the girl who cried at A Walk to Remember (starring Mandy Moore and Shane West!) this afternoon, so I'm clearly undergoing some kind of hormonal surge. Joey stares at him. "You're right. It did sound cheesy," she says. She doesn't understand how he can love her and leave her behind, she says. Oh, Joey. Please go to therapy and work through the way your parents' relationship has totally screwed you up.
Over on the set of Whatever! The Movie, Dawson leans over a trash can, waiting for the vomit. Welcome to my Wednesday nights, Dawson. Natasha swings past to give him the patented Dawson's Creek Buck Up, Little Camper Speech, telling him that unless he wants his career to be destroyed, he needs to sack up and start doing his job. "Thanks," Dawson says. "Don't thank me. Just get your act together," Natasha tells him, and slinks away.
Cut to the weirdest double date ever: Uncle Bill, Grams, Blandy, and the Little Dutch Boy. Uncle Bill asks Grams what she does for fun. Grams tells him that she, like every right thinking person, enjoys the occasional trip to Vegas. Uncle Bill loves Vegas. Grams sips her soup and mentions that her church group goes every few months or so. But Uncle Bill is strongly anti-church. Bill hates church. "Don't tell me you're one of those religious broads," he says. Jen and Blandy exchange uncomfortable glances as Grams asks Uncle Bill not to call her a broad. "Why not?" Uncle Bill asks. Grams explains that it's "degrading to women." Uncle Bill snorts that he called his wife a broad "at least twice a day for forty-two years." How romantic. "How lovely for her," Grams murmurs. And then we get into some very loud business about a pubic hair in Uncle Bill's soup, which I'm just not going to go into. "Disgusting," Grams mutters under her breath, which prompts Uncle Bill to call her "a real downer" and suggest she go see a doctor. "Why should I be seeing my doctor?" Grams asks. "So you can remove that polar ice cap you've got wedged up your butt," Uncle Bill says. And Grams laughs! Grams would never laugh at that! Grams would dump her soup in his lap! Jen just nods and giggles over her soup like a remarkably slow toddler.
The set of No One Cares About The Inner Workings Of The Film Industry Unless Juicy Gossip About Real People Is Involved. Dawson fires his sassy cameraman nemesis and makes some other random guy DP for him. Who are these people? I don't know. Is it likely that they're union, and he can't just fire them like that without getting in trouble? Probably. Executive Barbie Whitney watches as Dawson takes over the set like a man (a man, I tell you!), and smirks. I do sort of appreciate the fact that he's not acting like a whiny baby, but this whole movie plot has gone on about six years too long. "Anyone else want to get fired? Huh?" Dawson asks. The rest of the extras pretend they're scared. Dawson tells Natasha that she's going to do the scene as written and he doesn't care what she thinks about the script! She gives him a little "way to go, hot stuff" look, as he tells everyone else to get their asses in gear. "Or I will fire you and I will humiliate you and I will do it well because I learned from the master!" Dawson yells. Yes, sweet, absent Todd. Dawson's one true love. The man who taught him everything he knows…about love. Todd. Come back, Todd!
Dive bar by the side of the road. Inside, a drunken Audrey mangles "Total Eclipse of the Heart." Good call, Joey: let the drunkard hang out in a strange bar all by herself. Audrey finally wraps it up, and everyone cheers. She stumbles past an already comatose Bob to fetch another beer. A mullet by the bar tells her she's "tasty." She mocks his hair. He doesn't get that she's making fun of it. Oh, God. Let's just move on! Yadda yadda yadda, she agrees to go outside and "check out his ride." I think he thinks that's a euphemism, but I'm pretty sure she's not on the same page.
Outside, Audrey takes one look at said ride, and then tries to go back into the bar. But the Mullet won't let her. He grabs her -- lightly, by the way. She could totally shake him off -- and tells her that he wants to "get naked" with her. His inappropriate overtures are not at all threatening, mostly because he looks like he's about to drop dead from consumption, but also because he's not really being all that threatening. This scene isn't scary at all. I was more concerned about Joey's fate at the hands of the Bantering Bandit. Finally, Audrey kicks this guy in the balls and proceeds to beat the shit out of him. Audrey, he weighs ninety-five pounds. Pick on someone your own size. (Please note: that was not a fat joke. I think Busy Philipps looks fab. The guy was just scrawny. PSA officially over). Eventually, Oliver and Joey, coming out of a small diner, see her and race over. Oliver drags Audrey off the Mullet, then Joey embraces her. Joey looks worse in every single shot. In this one, she literally has crow's feet. How can Katie Holmes look so wretched? I saw her at Bloomingdale's about a year ago, and she's very pretty in person! She had no crow's feet! What has this cast done to the make-up and costume people to make them take such a harsh revenge? Audrey sobs that she thinks she's finally ready for rehab.
Back to Boston. Grams and Uncle Bill get out of the car and decide, quite cozily, to take a walk. Yeah, like that's going to last. Five bucks says we never see Uncle Bill again. Blandy and Jen -- who are dressed like extras from Dead Poets Society for some reason, all crewneck sweaters and circle skirts -- shake their respective heads. Blandy calls Jen "a genius," saying that his uncle hasn't had that much fun in years. Jen shrugs that she wishes she were as good with her own love life. "You don't do that bad," Blandy tells her softly. "The last boy I liked slept with my friend," she says pointedly. Jen! GET OVER IT! He wasn't cheating on you! God! Blandy tells her that if he knew her then the way he knows her now, he never would have slept with Audrey. Because now he can't bear the thought of hurting someone "so amazing." And he goes in to kiss her, but she turns away. "All right, I deserve that," he says sadly. Jen turns back and smiles at him. "Just kidding," she says, and reaches up and kisses him. Aw. She has to get way up on her tippy toes to reach his lips. It's cute. Because, as noted, I am a total sap today.
The set of God, When Will They Officially Cancel This Show? It's a wrap! Cue the handshakes and applause, as Dawson has won over the entire crew with his youthful enthusiasm and well-crafted mini-toupee. Natasha comes over to his little director's chair and starts giving him a back rub. He apologizes for yelling. Natasha grins that he sort of turned her on, and asks if he'd like to get a drink with her. He smiles lasciviously. Oh, God. Whatever. Also: Ew.
Finally, Joey, Oliver, and the gang arrive in Los Angeles. They pull up in front of Audrey's house, an attractive estate on a palm tree-lined street. Yay, Los Angeles! My hometown. Oliver hands Audrey her knapsack, and she apologizes for being such a horrible bitch to him. Oliver lies that she hasn't been that bad. Audrey shrugs and tells him that Joey loves him. "You're going to go down in the books as one of the great loves of Joey Potter's life, which, trust me, doesn't suck," she tells him. Oh, Jesus. Isn't it a little early to say who the great loves of Joey's life are going to be? She's nineteen! When I was nineteen, I though Ralph Fiennes was the great love of my life, and now he doesn't even crack the top ten. "It most certainly does not," Oliver agrees. They smile at each other until Audrey gets bored of looking at him and turns to Joey. Joey asks if Audrey needs her to come inside, but Audrey shakes her head. "I need to face the firing squad alone," she says. Nice coat -- again! -- Joey, but it's about eighty degrees in Los Angeles right now. Although, in all honesty, we usually do need coats in January. And -- full disclosure -- I myself own, um, eight coats. Yes, in this instance, I am a hypocrite. I'm so ashamed! So, Audrey tells Joey that she's finally realized that she has to get her head on straight and figure out why she's so unhappy, why she can't stop pickling her liver with the booze. Joey and her gray undereye circles hug Audrey and remind her that "everyone in Beantown loves [her] to death." Audrey, in her turn, says that Joey is her best friend in the entire world. Joey blushes, and Audrey tells her to "let [Oliver] go." Joey pulls away and nods, as Oliver comes over and tells her that he's got to go if he wants to get to his meeting at The Writer's Program Of Great Convenience. Joey agrees, but wonders what they're going to do about Bob. What about Bob, indeed? Audrey grabs Bob from the back seat and tells him that they're going to tell her parents that they got married in Vegas. To distract them from the fact that she's a booze hound. Bob is down with this little scheme. "Can we have sex again?" he asks. "No," Audrey tells him. "What kind of honeymoon is that? Besides, I got to work on my hang time, sugar," Bob tells her. I love Bob. I'm sure that means that, should Bob appear in future episodes, he will have been transformed in a horrible, unpleasant shell of his former self. Audrey promises to "think about it," and they go inside.
Dawson's Director's Bungalow. The morning after. He watches, all rumpled, as Natasha prepares for the walk of shame. And also an audition. Blah blah blah, casual sex is good. Seriously, that's all you need to know about that scene. Unless you want to talk about Dawson's sexual prowess. See, I'm looking out for you.
Across town in Santa Monica, Joey and Oliver walk along Ocean Avenue. Which is gorgeous, both generally and in this shot. Oliver can't believe that he made it to California. Joey smiles at him and says that he's going to make it, after all, and when he does, he's going to be great. Oliver tells her that he doesn't want to say goodbye to her. Ever. Why don't they agree to meet somewhere in a year, he says. Say, Paris? (Or Boston, when he comes home for Christmas? Just a suggestion. Less expensive, but also less romantic, I know.) Joey smiles at him, and calls this "a very nice daydream." Oliver tells her that it doesn't have to be just a dream. Am I suddenly watching Passions? No, no one is in a coma. And really, more's the pity. "If, um, something happens and we don't make it to Paris, I want you to know that I'm not going to forget you," Joey tells Oliver, announcing that she loves him, too. But…we KNEW THAT. This revelation happened last week! They embrace. "I'm going to keep on loving you as long as I can," she tells him, and they kiss. As they smooch, the camera goes all twirly and swirly around them. Yeah, I enjoyed that effect better last week, when it happened on Alias. Of course, I care about what happens to those characters, and I really wouldn't mind too much if both Oliver and Joey caught the Ebola and died, horribly and in great pain. Actually, that recap would be really fun to write. All the agony and gore! Bring it! Or, you know, take it under consideration, writers. After more face-eating, the camera pulls back, focusing on the sunset over the ocean as Joey and Oliver kiss and kiss and kiss and kiss. I'm sure week, we'll get another discussion about how the status of their relationship is all up in the air and they have no idea how they feel about each other.
week: Joey and Pacey play Spin the Bottle. Also known as "the episode where the producers beg the audience to come back."