I'm sitting down to write my recap when the phone rings.
Me: Hello?
Caller: Hi, this is Kevin Williamson. I'm just calling everyone who still watches Dawson's Creek to let them know that I am no longer -- I repeat, no longer -- creatively involved with the show. I've gotten a few angry phone calls over the past couple of weeks and then today there was a flaming paper bag full of poo on my doorstep, so I thought maybe I just needed to get the word out.
Me: Okay.
Kevin Williamson: Do you think you could put something in the recap? I'm still trying to contact everyone personally, but my dialing finger is starting to throb.
Me: Okay, I guess.
Kevin Williamson: Seriously, thank you. Listen, could you tell me something? Who's Joey dating now? Wednesday nights I have my pottery class.
Me: Oliver Hudson.
Kevin Williamson: Who the hell is that?
Me: This guy at the bar where she -- wait, how do you not know this?
Kevin Williamson: I told you: pottery.
Me: You could read the recaps, you know.
Kevin Williamson: Whoops, there's my other line.
Last week, on Dawson's Creek: Agent Mulder pursued a young man with an enormous head who believed that his workplace -- a movie set -- was haunted by the ghost of a murdered actress. Agent Scully investigated the case of one Jen Lindley, who can't seem to find a nice young man to love. Also, Pacey and Audrey broke up, and Audrey smacked Pacey hard across the face.
Liberty Hell's Kitchen, where Oliver reads at the bar, holding a ballpoint pen. I'd make fun of him for taking notes on a book when he's not actually a student, but it felt foreign to me to read anything without a pen in hand for quite some time after I myself left school, so I won't. Joey swings past, pulling on her backpack and offhandedly mentioning that she has things to do on campus. Oliver smiles at her and says that he's well aware that she's going to Flip-Flops's class. Joey shrugs and admits that she didn't want him to feel weird. She tells him that class isn't nearly as fun without him, as there's no one to contest her opinions with "snarky feedback." Shout-out? I'll take it. "Did I hear the phrase 'snarky feedback'?" asks a tall, dark-haired man, popping out from inside a box underneath my bed. It's the winner of Big Brother II, charming, evil Dr. Will. Joey's It has driven him from his hiding place. "I'm up for some snarky feedback," Will says. "Can I call Mike Boogie and have him come over and rap about Joey's orange skin? Man, it feels good to be out in the open air again!"
On screen, Joey asks Oliver if he's going home for the holidays. Oliver looks around the bar and wonders what could be homier than Liberty Hell's Kitchen. Joey asks him, seriously, where he's from. "Does it make a difference?" he asks, and turns the question on her. "Capeside," Joey chirps, which prompts Oliver to snark that he's not surprised. "Have you ever even been to Capeside," Joey asks. "They don't allow my kind that far east," Oliver tells her. "This is boring," Will says. "I'm much happier in that box under your bed. Remember to feed me this week, please." He leaves. "Thank goodness we have mutual ground to spar on," Joey tells Oliver flirtatiously, shrugging on her lovely orange coat. I mean her actual outerwear, not her phony orange Fake 'N' Bake complexion. Which reminds me: I was watching Wonder Boys last night, and Katie Holmes is just lovely in it. Does anyone on the Dawson's Creek set really think that this orange skin/orange hair look is more attractive than what appears to be her actual coloring? Because they need to have their eyes checked out. The phone rings again.
Me: Hello?
Kevin Williamson: Nor do I have anything to do with Joey's hair.
Me: Duly noted.
Back at the bar, Oliver grins that he and Joey have a real "Sam and Diane" thing going on. "Not," Evil Dr. Will says in a muffled tone from my bedroom, followed by the soft tap of a box lid closing shut. Joey informs Oliver that he's got her all wrong. "I'm a girl from the wrong side of the tracks," she says. "You don't want to mess with me." Oliver grins that he's not so sure. "I kind of like it when you get all Foxfire on me." Joey grins, revealing rows of newly brightened teeth. She informs Oliver that he's awfully lucky she has class now, because tonight? They rumble. I do love a good old-fashioned rumble. Oliver wonders if she has nothing better to do on her night off than hang around the bar. Joey exposits that Hell's Belles are "going to rock the house down," and she has to be there to watch Audrey continue to destroy any residual goodwill the audience may have for her. She smiles at Oliver, and leaves for class. Oliver looks after her fondly. "I'll see you later, Joey," he calls. She gives him The Classic Joey Potter Tongue Between The Teeth Smile, and leaves. Oliver goes back to his book, The Power and The Glory: The Story of Joey Potter's It.
Credits. "Are we watching this again?" asks the Agent Scully action figure. "I don't like this song," the Mulder complains. "Would the two of you shut up for once?" I ask. I'm sorry; I'm crabby. Sometimes I take it out on the tiny talking plastic people who live in my house. It's just that these credits are horribly misleading. They indicate that the primary characters on this show actually have any sort of interaction, ever, which we all know is untrue.
Professor Unambiguously Closeted's class. As Jen and Jack walk in and find their seats, Jen asks what's going on with Jack and tiny gay elfin David. Jack tells her to mind her own "furtive gropings." He's quick to admit that "it wasn't like that," but "there was coffee, there was talking, and [he doesn't] want to jinx it." Aw. I like David. And I just want Jack to be happy, even if Kerr Smith himself seems to be a bit of a drag. The two of them sit down as Jen coos that "someone's got to be getting some." She admits that she's not making a lot of progress cracking Blandy's nut, so to speak. Jack looks guilty, but says nothing. I wonder why he hasn't told her that Blandy told him that he -- Blandy -- doesn't like Jen that way. I know he doesn't want to hurt her feelings, and maybe he doesn't think it's any of his business, but if I were Jack, I think I'd have to tell her, if only to save her from further humiliation and to prevent her from getting any deeper into the I Love Blandy! mindset. Instead, Jack just says that he's meeting David in the cafeteria after class. "Can I come?" Jen asks, explaining that Blandy will probably be there. Jack shifts in his seat and looks uncomfortable, wondering if maybe Jen should call it a day with the whole Blandy thing. He points out that Jen even admitted that "this level of effort is beneath [her]." Jen looks at him with her mouth open. "You can't hold the ultimatums of Party Jen against me!" she yelps. "I was wearing a wig! I was feeling crazy." Jack snarkily suggests that Jen bring Grams to the cafeteria, too. "Maybe I will, " Jen snickers. Jack smirks as Professor Unambiguously Closeted approaches the lectern and class begins. Professor Unambiguously Closeted opens his lecture by announcing that he's leaving Boston Bay College at the end of the semester. Having successfully published his book, Boring Essays About Pop Culture By A Guy Who's Totally Out Of Touch With His Own Life, he's taking a teaching gig in Chicago. He is having a book signing at IDidn'tCatchTheName Hall, however, and he'd like to see them there, as they've been a great class. Jen and Jack look stunned. "Did you know about this?" Jen whispers. Jack shakes his head and tells her that he had no idea. And I really don't get why he would: Jack and Professor Unambiguously Closeted aren't really involved. A few enormously awkward interactions do not a relationship make, my romance with the really hot UPS guy at the office notwithstanding.
Worthington College For Romantically Challenged Young Ladies. Audrey has spread her entire wardrobe spread over the bed. Joey enters, wondering if Audrey's making a donation to the poor. She's sure "the orphans" will appreciate Audrey's Betsey Johnsons. Oh, writers! Audrey so doesn't wear Betsey Johnson, although she might have a ruffly pair of bloomers or a couple of sets of hot pants stashed somewhere. Audrey explains that she's looking for an outfit for her gig tonight. "Where have all my sex clothes gone?" she wonders, tearing through a pile of fabric. "Pacey Witter has pillaged my fashion sense." Joey is stunned that Audrey has another set of clothing that reveals even more cleavage than her usual attire. Audrey confirms this, then utters some nonsense about "the girls" and how she wants them to be "resplendent" at the bar. "As resplendent as the parade of giant and poorly concealed zits Audrey's been sporting lately?" Evil Dr. Will calls from under the bed. I hear him snicker to himself in response as Joey tells Audrey that she's not working the bar tonight, so Audrey will have Joey's full attention. Audrey rolls her eyes and says that she knows she's usually "low maintenance," but it might be nice to "see [Joey's] face around these parts for once." Joey picks up a frothy article of clothing and examines it, explaining that she assumed Audrey and Pacey would appreciate Joey giving them some privacy. Audrey shrugs. "That was a great help," she says. "Now I've dumped Pacey four months too late and not a slutty frock has survived."
Joey's eyes widen at this bit of information. "What? When did you dump Pacey?" she asks. Audrey looks blank. "Hello? Mid-mid-life crisis, thanks for watching," she spits sarcastically. "Jeez, Joey, would it kill you to keep up?" I can't believe I'm standing up for Princess Josephine, but I fail to understand how she could know that Audrey and Pacey split up if Audrey didn't tell her. It's not like she spends a lot of time hanging out with Pacey. For her part, Joey apologizes and wonders when this all went down. "The horror that was Halloween," Audrey tells her. "Whatever. I don't want to talk about it." Joey, honestly shocked, sputters that she knows she's been gone a lot, but "a little bathroom sidebar would have been in order." Audrey snaps that she assumed Joey'd hear it from Pacey anyway. She heads back to her closet. Joey approaches, looking concerned, and says that she knows she's been really busy lately, but she always has time for Audrey. Audrey replies that it would have been great to benefit from Joey's "ex-girlfriend wisdom," but she's tired of reliving the whole thing. "Okay," Joey sighs, looking sad.
Cafeteria. Jen follows David and Jack to a table, yelping all the way that Jack and Pacey's apartment is just like the one in My Two Dads, mostly because of the spiral staircase. Girl, please. The apartment in My Two Dads looks like a crack den compared to Jack and Pacey's. They all sit down. David says that he doesn't know if Pacey and Jack are busily embroiled in "whose sperm is whose battle," but, if not, would Pacey like to go out that night? Jen's jaw drops, she's so impressed by David's honest approach. "The gays have it so easy! Straight boys are never so…straight," she twitters. I'm just pretending that line never happened. Anyway, blah blah blah, David and Jack decide to go with Jen to see The Worst Punk Band In The World at Liberty Hell's Kitchen. Jen speeds that maybe they should bring Blandy along with them! Jack makes a face like he sat on a tack, but David -- because he's straightforward, if not straight -- just up and tells Jen that Blandy doesn't really date. "What, does he just jump right into the sack?" Jen giggles. David looks sympathetic and explains that Blandy doesn't date at all. "His life is sort of complicated…I shouldn't really talk about it," he says discreetly. Jen presses him for information, saying that it "can't be that bad." Jack rolls his eyes. "Jen, stop using my friend as your Deep Throat, please," he asks. Jen and David both raise their brows at him, and he sputters that they need to forget he ever said that. Jen's about to go back to badgering David when Blandy himself approaches. Jen leaps up from the table and invites them to come to the bar with them. "It's Audrey," she tells him. "You know Audrey." Blandy looks over at the boys. "The one that's guaranteed to entertain," Jack clarifies. Blandly dryly indicates that he recalls. And he's in. Jen's about to perform a joyful cartwheel when she sees Professor Unambiguously Closeted walking through the crowd, looking for Jack, who promptly but politely excuses himself.
They go outside to talk. Professor Unambiguously Closeted apologizes for interrupting Jack's lunch, but Jack shrugs that he has plenty of time to eat. "So, class today. How about that?" Professor Unambiguously Closeted asks. Jack's only response is a quizzical look. Finally, Professor Unambiguously Closeted explains that he feels guilty about "taking away the college experience that [Jack] deserve[s]." What? How? By denying him the opportunity to bang his professor? Jack simply says that he plans to keep applying himself to his classes. Professor Unambiguously Closeted awkwardly exposits that the upcoming week is reading week, then finals, then he -- Professor Unambiguously Closeted -- is gone. And he'd like to see him at the book signing. Jack promises to think about it, and Professor Unambiguously Closeted runs away. Jack looks nonplussed. Reading week? I think we got a day at UCLA -- probably because we were on the quarter system and thus pressed for time. Of course, I probably would have spent reading week sleeping in and then waking up to bemoan how I wasn't supposed to oversleep. Actually, I sort of relived my college years today. My big plan was to wake up early, run some errands, do some cleaning, and knock off my recap. Instead, I slept until noon and watched television all afternoon. I actually found myself staring blankly into the refrigerator and announcing aloud, "I have so much work do to," before pouring a handful of Goldfish into my mouth. It's like November 1996 all over again. Thank God we didn't have the kind of easy access to the internet then that I do now. I never would have gotten any work done. Checking your email is a much less convenient procrastination tool when you have to walk to the computer lab to do it.
I hate Pacey's plot so much. I can't imagine what ridiculous career they would have saddled him with season, if there were going to be a season. Nuclear scientist? Neonatal cardiologist? Long-distance speed-walker? This reminds me, I have to call the WB and remind them to officially announce this show's cancellation, so that I can throw my big party. ["Don't forget to put my name on those invites." -- Sars] Anyway, over at the stupid stockbrokers' office, stupid Bobby Briggs announces that all of the trainers have passed their Series Seven tests. "Some with flying colors," he says, handing Pacey an envelope. The hell? I can't believe we didn't even get a tiny scene of Pacey at the test, or even a throwaway line about it, since we’ve seen so much fascinating footage of him studying. Anyway, everyone passed, and they're going to New Orleans for twenty-four hours to celebrate. "We are so obnoxiously wealthy, we are flying to the Big Easy," Bobby says. "Obnoxiously wealthy"? Maybe it is 1996. Because all I know is, judging from my own portfolio, the market ain't doing all that well. Also, wouldn't it be more realistic to go to Atlantic City for the day, from Boston, rather than New Orleans? ["Or Foxwoods?" -- Sars] Whatever. All the stupid stockbroker trainees look excited, especially Pacey, since he's seen the previews for this episode, which already gave away the fact that he's going to find him a hooker. Of course, the commercials also indicated that this was The Big Pacey's Downfall Into Debauchery And Moral And Ethical Destruction Episode and we've only seen about three minutes of Pacey-related footage. So maybe she's not a whore after all, just a girl who has sex with Pacey and then accepts a loan.
After the ads, we cut to some incredibly low-budget B-roll footage of New Orleans that I think a production intern found in a basement somewhere. Pacey trolls the casinos, where he strikes out with two women who I think may also been whores. One of the calls him "Percy." Note to writers: it's only funny when tertiary characters get Dawson's name wrong. Bobby Briggs makes fun of Pacey for his bad luck with the ladies. I wish Bobby Briggs would get crushed by a falling slot machine. I didn't even know that you could gamble in New Orleans, which just goes to show you how innocent and sheltered I am.
Liberty Hell's Kitchen, where Joey and Oliver flirt weakly. They're back to their old banter about Sam and Diane -- as if Joey was even born when Shelley Long was on Cheers. I can barely remember that, and I'm a good seven years older than her character is supposed to be -- when Audrey comes up and asks for a shot. She hugs Joey drunkenly and waves a wad of bills in the air, telling Joey to "buy a round of shots for the Future Boyfriends of America!" Behind her, some drunken male yahoos cheer. Joey and Oliver exchange concerned glances as Audrey stumbles away with her drink. "Okay, who did her parents buy off to get her into Worthington?" Oliver asks. Joey raises her brows, but can't contest this, as it is, as we know, actually true. Instead, she just tells Oliver that he's more "acerbic than usual." Oliver sighs and wipes down the counter, admitting that he hates working a double shift. "And I hate working with Sam," he says." No one to flirt with?" Joey asks. Who is Sam? Sam Malone? That's a confusing choice for the name of a nonexistent character, especially considering that we were just talking about Cheers. "Or insult. Whichever you prefer," Oliver shoots back at her. Joey smiles at him and promises she'll be back. "I have to go stroke Audrey's ego," she says. Oliver rolls his eyes, but not unkindly. "Sounds enticing," he says, and watches as Joey goes over to check in with Audrey, who promptly unbuttons her blouse and waves her hooters in Joey's face. You know, I sort of like Joey and Oliver together. I know, he's like Pacey Part Deux, but it's not unrealistic (in my personal experience) for girls to sort of go for the same type of boy over and over again. And I don't mean that in a snide way. Some people have a type, is all, and clearly Joey does. It's not a bad type, and Oliver isn't a bad example of Joey's type. Actually, as much as I like Pacey, I've always felt that it was unrealistic for Joey to end up with either him or Dawson: people just don't end up with their high school boyfriends all that often, even if they really loved that person. I'd find it far more true to life for this show to end with Joey in a relationship with someone she met at school. And am I currently defending the narrative choices on this show? How'd that happen?
Book signing. Professor Unambiguously Closeted sure is happy to see Jack and his little leather jacket. "I don't like to let free food go to waste," Jack shrugs. He and the good professor talk aimlessly about Professor Unambiguously Closeted's book for about ten minutes too long. No one watching this show cares about a boring character's nonexistent book of fake academic essays. Finally, we get to this scene's big reveal: Professor Unambiguously Closeted's wife isn't moving with him to Chicago. But Professor Unambiguously Closeted doesn't want to talk about it. And why should he? Telling Jack about coming out (presumably) to his pregnant wife might be dramatically compelling. Instead, Professor Unambiguously Closeted offers to introduce Jack to some of his smarty-pants friends, if Jack has the time. Jack says he does. I will only approve of this boring scene if it eventually sets up a plotline wherein Jack turns into a well-adjusted brainy guy with a hot and equally brainy boyfriend.
Over at the bar, Jen tells David that she has no idea what's keeping Jack. "I'm sure it's a hair-related issue," she giggles. There's only one person in this scene with hair-related issues, actually, and it's Jen. Her one scrawny side-ponytail is so Glitter. David snarks that he likes to think that each strand of Jack's carefully misplaced hair is for him. He heads over to the bar to refill their drinks, leaving Jen to twitter mindlessly at Blandy some more, saying that she knows "this isn't [his] thing." Blandy raises a brow and says that he doesn’t know why she'd think that; he has nothing against good company, though he can't speak to the quality of the music. Jen says Audrey is "nothing if not a solid performer." They both look over toward the bar, where Audrey is busy getting utterly trashed. Blandy wonders how Audrey is doing. Jen chirps that Audrey is "great." She and Blandy watch Audrey lurch around drunkenly, and Jen downgrades her to "a solid good." Blandy shrugs that Audrey seems a little depressed. Jen says she doesn't look depressed. "It's easy not to look it when you're doing your damnest not to feel it," Blandy says. "Or anything for that matter." Jen just looks confused, which confuses me. Shouldn't Jen "Bad Girl" Lindley, of all people, recognize the fact that sometimes people who are depressed or sad or screwed up drink to conceal that? I mean, we learned that with Jack, just last year, when he was falling off buildings! ["We learned it with Jen herself several times in Seasons Two and Three. She didn't go to Tom Frost for kicks; the school made her because she got busted boozing on a school trip. Hello -- try watching your own damn show, writers." -- Sars] Poor Michelle Williams. I think she's really talented, but they give her absolutely nothing to work with.
Jack calls David and apologizes for his absence. David shrugs pleasantly. "Don't worry about it," he says. "Are you on your way?" David is so normal and angst-free. They'll probably have him run over by a bus in short order. "Not exactly, no," Jack says hesitantly. David wonders if he ought to alert the authorities. "Is there something you can't say in front of the kidnappers?" he asks. Jack chuckles and promises that he'll be there soon. "I just got sucked into this nightmare academic schmooze-fest. I've got two more profound things to say, then I'm out of here, I swear." David says he'll be okay. "[Blandy's] here, and your friends have all mastered the art of polite conversation," he assures him. Sweet, normal, doomed little David goes back to the table. Jack goes back to the party.
Not New Orleans. Pacey and Bobby Briggs approach a blonde at a small round table. "How YOU doing?" Bobby Briggs asks, in all seriousness. "Fine," the hooker responds. For it is she, The Hooker Of The Previews. "I didn't ask how you looked, I asked how you're doing," Bobby Briggs replies. Pacey almost vomits on the floor as Bobby Briggs continues with his sad and retarded pick-up lines, which include "you have breasts that are begging to be touched." That's just…an eternity of ew. "That's a coincidence, as you have testicles that are begging to be castrated," the hooker responds. My God, what a terrible line. I would have used the phrase "an ass that is begging to be kicked," but then again, I'm not a high-class call girl. And with that, Bobby Briggs leaves Pacey alone with the hooker, who immediately informs him that she thinks he's charming, classy, and attractive.
Liberty Hell's Kitchen. Joey bellies up to the bar. "Miss me?" she asks Oliver. "How could I, when I've been waiting on you and your friends all night?" he responds. Joey agrees that this is a good point. She wonders if he'd like to go out with them after the bar closes. "I don't know, we could…" she begins, and then Audrey stomps up and demands a beer for the stage. Oliver turns her down. Audrey whines that no one cares if she's underage. Joey looks mildly alarmed. "It seems to me that you're already wasted," Oliver tells Audrey calmly. "And whose fault is that?" Audrey slurs. "Um, yours," Oliver tells her. Audrey points out that he's the one who served her. "And now you'll have to listen to yourself sing sober. Sorry," Oliver tells her. Wow -- that line was way more subtly snarky than I realized the first time I watched this. Joey smiles wanly at Audrey and widens her eyes in a "shut up" kind of way. She then shoots Oliver a careful smile and tries to talk him into giving Audrey another drink. Which is so not cool of her. Oliver reminds Joey that their asses are on the line if they get busted for serving underage people. Or has she forgotten, since she's not working? "What are you talking about? This is a college bar," Joey chirps with fake cheer. "I mean, you never cared before." Oliver informs her carefully that he cares when an underage girl gets wasted and trashes the place on his watch. And he's cutting Audrey off. "Well, somebody needs to get laid," Audrey slurs maturely. Joey shots her a dirty look. Audrey explains drunkenly that Oliver clearly takes his job too seriously. "What's it like, looking down the barrel of a gun and seeing a janitor's uniform and a bus pass?" she asks Oliver snidely. And that was the day I stopped liking Audrey even a little bit. That was inexcusably snotty. Oliver just looks at her calmly, and Joey, although she looks horrified, says nothing in his defense. "You'll get me another beer, won't you sweetie?" Audrey asks Joey. "I'm thinking no," Joey says very forcefully. Audrey rolls her eyes and bitches that it's like the bar is being run by "Donna Reed and Mr. Rogers." She slams her empty down on the bar, where it shatters. Glass flies everywhere. Audrey laughs and laughs. Oliver demands that Joey get Audrey out of the bar, now. "Did you not just witness my magnificent force?" Audrey twitters, looking at the mess on the bar. Joey's about to grab her, but Emma elbows her way through the crowd just in time. She pushes Audrey toward the stage; they've been warming up for half an hour. She steers Audrey away from Joey and Oliver. "I'm not her keeper," Joey finally shrugs to Oliver, as Audrey drunkenly climbs on stage behind them. "No, it's worse. You're her friend," Oliver says.
So, the band starts and Audrey begins to murder "One Way or Another" by Blondie. But not before Audrey yells something about how "the establishment" doesn't want them to have a good time and wonders "who wants to help stick it to the man?" Oh, Audrey. The Man bought your way into college. Oliver and Joey exchange looks as my phone rings again.
Me: What?
Kevin Williamson: Just officially denying responsibility for any of this.
Me: I -- wait, that's my other line. …Hello?
Debbie Harry: I'm suing the WB for defamation of character and pain and suffering. Can I count on your support as a witness for the prosecution?
Me: Sure.
Debbie Harry: Thank you. And tell Williamson that I'm going to kick his ass.
Audrey yells tunelessly. And yet Jen looks entertained. So do David, Blandy, and Joey. They must have dubbed the music in later, because I imagine that anyone in such close proximity to Audrey's performance would find themselves spontaneously bleeding from the ears. Oliver watches expressionlessly. Everything's fine -- well, aside from the music -- until Audrey knocks over the microphone stand. Emma, behind the drum set, looks slightly concerned. Then Audrey starts dancing around like a maniac, her horribly out-of-tune yelping getting even worse. Jen's face is frozen in a pained smile. Oliver shakes his head as Audrey climbs off the stage and goes into the crowd. Emma bangs the drums and looks pissed. Blandy shrugs at Jen as Audrey climbs on the bar and starts gyrating, kicking light fixtures, turning on the beer taps, and generally being a total ass. Joey looks both appalled and concerned. Audrey kicks some glasses to the ground, throws a full plate of French fries to the floor, and takes a full bottle of beer and launches it toward David, Blandy, and Jen, all of whom neatly duck as it smashes into the wall. Finally, she rips off her shirt. (That is the cutest longline bra! All plaid and with lace! Anyway. Sorry. Back to the horror.) Oliver looks around his destroyed bar and puts his head in his hands. Jen looks disgusted. Blandy looks concerned. Emma is pissed. Finally, Audrey wraps it up by yelping one final note and spitting on the bar. People "woo" politely, although I think some of them are actually booing. Wait, that might just be me. Joey looks over at Oliver, who shoots her an "I told you so!" look. Actually, it's more of a "I told you so! And have I mentioned that I am incredibly hot?" look. Because he is. Hot. And I don't even like the grungy wrong-side-of-the-tracks needs-a-haircut type boy!
Ack! Is that Prof. Creepy on Charmed, kissing Alyssa Milano? Poor Demian.
The bathroom at Liberty Hell's Kitchen is nasty. Joey holds Audrey's hair as she vomits into a particularly skangy toilet. Ouch. I've been there. Both positions. It's hard to say which is less pleasant, but I will say that it takes a good friend to hold your hair while you barf, and you should treasure that person. Hallmark should make a line of cards for that. "Okay, I think that's everything," Audrey announces weakly. "I think there's some intestine in there," she comments, as Joey hands her a tissue to wipe her mouth and suggests getting Audrey some water. They walk out of the stall, but they don't flush! Oh, girls! That's rule number one of vomiting! Get rid of the vomit as soon as possible afterwards! Joey asks Audrey how much she drank. "Clearly, I don't remember," Audrey snaps. Joey shifts her weight and says that she doesn't want to sound like an Afterschool Special, but that this sort of behavior isn't like Audrey. Audrey wonders what, exactly, is like her. "I could have been an alkie since age six, you don't know," she brats. Oh, heavens. I feel for Joey, in a way. Nothing is worse than the bad drunk friend who doesn't get why her constant booziness is a drag. I do agree that drinking in college is normal, and I certainly know that plenty of college students spend plenty of time getting wasted -- trust me, I drank my fair share in college, and I drink my fair share now. But it's also true that sometimes you get drunk for fun and sometimes you get drunk because you're having issues, and that's an important distinction no matter how old you are. If the case with Audrey is the latter -- and this does seem to be the case -- then I don't see anything wrong with Joey saying something to her. On the other hand, I've been in Joey's shoes, and I can tell you that your drunken friend will probably not react well to your telling her that she's no fun when she's wasted. But sometimes you just have to clear your slate with people. Anyway. This paragraph has been brought to you by apologists for Joey Potter.
Audrey swears that she's fine. "Have you never gotten drunk before?" she asks. Joey admits that she has, but says that it's usually been because she's feeling awful about something. She's just trying to make sure that Audrey doesn't feel awful. I must contradict myself somewhat in order to point out that Joey should try getting drunk because she's happy about something, because that's considerably more fun. Audrey buttons her blouse and snaps that she's not feeling like having "a soulful exchange about how [Audrey] is bad and [Joey] is good." Joey says that's not where she was going. "You know, you've mastered the art of holier than thou, Joey," Audrey begins. "Don't feed me a bunch of crap about how you don't need to drink or do drugs to have fun because I've given it some thought and you know what? I've never seen you have fun a day in my life, except for that whole singing thing and even then you were just imitating me." Joey looks both pissed and about a foot taller than Audrey is. She finally suggests that they talk about it in the morning, before someone says something they regret. She tries to walk away. "God! Would you stop protecting me?" Audrey yells after her. "I'm so sick of living in this little antiseptic universe that you've all created, where we sit around and we drink sodas and we talk about how glad we are that we're all friends, which is ridiculous, Joey, because what kind of friend wouldn't know that I broke up with my boyfriend?" Joey stutters another apology for this, but Audrey won't hear it. She spits that she doesn't want "someone who completely dropped out of [her] life judging it." Joey just looks sad. "I mean, did you even notice I was depressed before I upset your little boyfriend from Southie?" Audrey spits. "[Oliver] is not my boyfriend," is Joey's admittedly not unselfish response. Audrey just nods tightly. "Right," she says and heads for the door. "I think it's really frigging pathetic that that's the only thing you feel the need to comment on." She pushes her way past Joey and out of the bathroom. Joey looks sad and a little stunned. First and foremost: I've never seen a bar bathroom that empty that long. Everyone knows that if you want to have a long chat with your friend in the bathroom of a bar, you have to accept that you'll be sharing said discussion with twelve other strangers. Second, nice scene from those two.
Professor Unambiguously Closeted and Jack wander outside the book signing. On the steps, Professor Unambiguously Closeted apologizes for boring Jack, who politely insists that he wasn't bored. Professor Unambiguously Closeted looks off into the distance Meaningfully, a pose I'm sure the actor learned from his stint on daytime television. Don't take that as a slam against the soaps: I love soap operas. It's my dream to write for a soap opera (think of the narrative freedom! Kill a character, bring him back to life, give him an evil twin, make him into a woman -- you can do anything you want). I just think some soap actors make a better transition to more traditional venues that others. Professor Unambiguously Closeted is clearly still working from his textbooks from The Joey Tribbiani Smell The Fart School Of Acting. After this long moment of gazing off into the distance, Professor Unambiguously Closeted tells Jack that there's a bit in his book that was inspired by something Jack said in class one day about the "asexuality of good guys in film." Jack says nothing. "You were right. Not just in class. You were right about a lot of things," Professor Unambiguously Closeted says. Jack looks at his feet and tells Professor Unambiguously Closeted that he wasn't waiting around to hear that, if that's what Professor Unambiguously Closeted thinks. "Why were you waiting?" Professor Unambiguously Closeted asks. Jack shrugs his shoulders and says that it's sad to him that one of the most popular and inspirational professors in the entire school "had to hide the part of himself that's real." Professor Unambiguously Closeted has no real response to this. "You know what?" Jack asks. "However long it took you to get here, at least you did it, and that's why I'm standing out here in the cold." Jack McPhee: dragging professors and frat boys out of the closet, one good-looking man at a time. Professor Unambiguously Closeted says that he wishes he'd come out of the closet sooner. Well, not in so many words, but that's the drift. He gives Jack a long, appraising look, in much the same vein as the look I gave the pork loin I bought at the market last night. Let's see: firm meat, nice pink flesh. Looks tasty! "Maybe it's too late, you tell me," Professor Unambiguously Closeted finally leers. Jack stares at him. If he throws over tiny elfin gay David, the only character on this show about whom I have no serious reservations, I will officially lose my shit. "I think you can consider your shit well and truly lost long ago," the Mulder action figure mutters. Jack finally shakes his head. "I can't," he says. And thank God. Professor Unambiguously Closeted apologizes. "I've kept someone waiting all night that the timing was actually right with," Jack further explains. "It's late. I've got to go. I've got to go." And so he does.
Back at the bar, Jen and Blandy pick pieces of glass off the floor. Jen admits that maybe Blandy wasn't so far off base as far as Audrey goes. She says that Audrey isn't usually so…drunk. They finish clearing their section of floor and slide into a booth, where Jen tells Blandy that Audrey seemed "well-adjusted and confident" when they met her. Blandy tells her that it's hard to keep up a front for so long. And he knows. Because he used to do just that. Blandy started drinking at twelve and was a full-on alcoholic by high school, he explains. The way this season's been going, I wish I'd started drinking at twelve. "It was tough to get off of," he finishes awkwardly. Jen points out that at least he did it. He nods and tells her that he had to hit rock bottom first, which he did by getting wasted at a party, saying mean things to his friends, and making his girlfriend really, really, really mad. Jen looks sympathetic. As far as rock bottom goes, that's pretty mild. I mean, there's "making your girlfriend mad enough to break up with you," and then there's "getting behind the wheel and killing innocent people in a drunk driving accident." Blandy got off easy. "So, there's that! Which is why I don't date anymore," Blandy finishes. Jen tells him not to be so hard on himself. "Jen, you really don't want to know that much about me, I promise," Blandy tells her.
Dude, I totally forgot about Pacey. Down in New Orleans, he and the hooker race into his bed-and-breakfast, kissing all the way. What kind of whore makes out with her john? Has no one on the writing staff seen Pretty Woman? Pacey is still unaware that his lady-friend is a woman of ill repute, and is pretty stoked to be getting it on with such a hot chick.
Back to the bar. Joey wanders up to Oliver, who is trying to clean up the disaster Audrey wrought. "Some night, huh?" she asks. "Yep," he responds shortly. Joey finally apologizes meekly. "It wasn't your problem, right?" Oliver says, shrugging and crossing the room to clean up yet another mess. Joey follows, insisting that her friends didn't come out with the intention to trash the joint. Oliver rolls his eyes and tells her that he doesn't even know why they're having this conversation; surely she has better things to do than listen to him. Joey flails her arms in the air and says that she can't understand how he could even think that, considering the fact that every time she approaches him, it's because she wants to talk to him. Oliver leans on his broom and explains that he just doesn't know who it is that he's talking to: the rich girl, or the bartender? I don't understand why Joey doesn't explain to Oliver that she, too, is from the famed Wrong Side Of The Tracks. Instead, she just tells him that she thought "there was more of an intimate middle ground" between them. Oliver sniffs that you learn about people when you see them with their friends. Joey, following him through his chores like a puppy dog, yelps that he sees her with her friends all the time! Climbing behind the bar, Oliver makes the salient point that it's different when her friends are insulting him to his face. Joey says that if makes him feel better, Audrey just ripped her a new one in the bathroom. "It would make me feel better, Joey, if you have defended me," Oliver finally tells her. "If you had mentally shown up there, that would have been nice." Joey's eyes are huge. She reminds Oliver, rather loudly, that Audrey was drunk, and she wasn't about to get into it with her. They deal with drunk people all the time, she tells him. Oliver says some more stuff about how he never should have thought she was different, but I started to tune out. I mean, we get it. Consider the conflict well and truly set up. "This dance we do? It's just flirting. There is nothing more there," Oliver tells her. Joey is stunned. "Where did I go wrong?" Her It asks. "We did everything right! The melty-wax face! The crooked half-smile! Even the coveted tongue-through-teeth cutesy face! How could this be?" Oliver just raises his brows at her. "You don't think there's anything here?" she parrots. "Nothing good," Oliver says. Wow, tough night for Potter.
New Orleans. Pacey and the hooker make out on his bed. He unzips her dress, kissing her neck. The hooker looks down at him. "This isn't your first time, is it?" she asks. Pacey wonders if he's really "that bad." The hooker shrugs that most guys don't bother with the foreplay. "I'm pretty much a sure thing," she tells him. Pacey makes quick confused face, but apparently just decides that she's a weirdo and to go with it, and promises her that he'll do his best not to tend to any of her needs. But he can't promise anything. They kiss some more, and the hooker takes a quick glance at the clock. "Seriously, we've been at this for while now and your friend didn't pay for the night," she says. Pacey pulls back at her for his moment of Oh, My God, This Woman Is A Professional! The hooker rolls her eyes, realizing that she's never going to seal the deal, and tells him that Bobby Briggs was trying to do him a favor. "Enjoy it," she says. But Pacey can't! She can stay in his room as long as she likes, but he's not going to be able to bang a whore! And then he runs out, leaving her there. Oh, Pacey! Never leave the hooker alone in your room! What if she steals your pants? Don't you watch Seinfeld?
Back in Boston, Jen and Blandy leave the bar as David stays to see if Jack will show up. Jen tells Blandy that she's going to kick Jack's ass if he stands David up. Blandy shrugs that David is a patient man. Jen turns and smiles widely at Blandy, telling him that she's so glad he came out. She reminds him that he once told her to change her mind about herself, and she thinks he ought to try to practice what he preaches. She shoots him the Please Kiss Me Now look, and then goes in for the kill. Blandy cuts her off at the pass, though, and says he can't kiss her. Jen's face falls, understandably. He assures her that his rejection has nothing to with her; she's beautiful and great. He just can't date anyone. Oh, that's a crock of shit. I don't believe him for a second. "Okay," Jen says, trying to put on a brave face. Oh, that poor girl. We have all been there. And if you haven't been…well, you are one lucky asshole. Blandy puts Jen in a cab and sends her far, far away from him.
He looks across the street, where Audrey is sitting on the curb and smoking. She yelps that she's only had a couple of puffs. Blandy sits to her and says that he doesn't care if she smokes. Audrey acts shocked, and snarks that she thought she was attached to some kind of LoJack system that alerted people in her vicinity if she did anything vaguely wrong, so that they could all run over and shit on her. Oh, poor Audrey! It's so hard when your friends don't understand that sometimes you just have to get loaded and toss beer bottles at the heads of innocent bystanders. Did I mention that I hate Audrey? She is now officially unsalvageable, as far as I am concerned. "I also hate Audrey," the Scully says from the action-figure hot tub (which is a mug of warm water). "Me, too," the Mulder says, picking his teeth with a push pin. "Ouch." There's a bang in the bedroom. "Another vote for hate!" Evil Dr. Will calls. "Audrey blows," Joey's It says from the kitchen, where It's getting a beer. The phone rings. "I had nothing to do with Audrey," Kevin Williamson says.
"People have been pretty hard on you tonight, haven't they?" Blandy asks. Audrey sighs that the funny thing is that when she was drunk, she was having "a super old time," but now she's sober and everything sucks. Welcome to alcoholism, Audrey. Also, as someone who has gotten drunk to the point of vomiting, I can safely say that once the vomit makes an appearance, it's nature's way of telling me to go to bed to pray for the room to stop spinning. What kind of magic booze was Audrey drinking? Blandy tells her that her friends are just trying to let her know they care. Audrey informs Blandy that it's not like she's "a drunk." She just wanted to forget her suck-ass week. Blandy wonders if drinking made her feel better. "I feel nothing, which is ideal," Audrey tells him. "How long do you plan to keep this up?" Blandy asks. "I don't know. I don't know," Audrey says quickly, then gives him the once-over and tells him that he doesn't have to talk to her if he doesn't want to. Blandy assures her that if he didn't want to be there, he would have walked away already. Audrey sighs. "Okay, so we'll sit," she says. "But I don't want to talk for a while." Blandy just smiles at her and hands her his gloves. She smiles at him and puts them on. You know what they say: no glove, no love. Wow. I'm sorry. That was weak.
New Orleans. Pacey apparently has Bobby Briggs Radar, because he tracks the man down in the middle of the night in the middle of the street, in New Orleans. And man, is Pacey pissed! He can't believe that Bobby Briggs bought him a whore! Whatever happened to just buying a man a drink? Or a wall, for Pete's sake? "You're not morally opposed to ladies of the night, are you?" Bobby Briggs asks. "Dude! Witter schtupped a whore!" one of the boys with Briggs yells. That might be my favorite line from this show, like, ever. Pacey is quick to point out that he didn't have no sex with no hooker. Bobby Briggs is disgusted. "You didn't even do it? Do you have a problem down there? Or did you just have a problem taking off your little dress?" he asks. Oh, Christ. This couldn't get more unrealistic if Bobby Briggs ripped off his face and revealed that he's actually an alien from the planet Zarlkon. "I'd like that," the Mulder action figure says. Pacey can't believe this! He can't! He's appalled! I think he ought to be grateful that at least his whore didn't turn out to be a man, a la Steve Sanders. But Bobby Briggs swears it wasn't a joke. He was trying to be nice! And that whore wasn't cheap! Pacey yells up and down the street that he forgot it was all about money for Mr. Bobby Briggs! "The only favor I want you to do for me is to take me off your charity list!" Pacey finally yells. "Because you're pathetic, man." He tries to walk away. Bobby Briggs yells that he really doesn't get why Pacey's got his panties in a knot. "I must be real dumb, because it seems like you owe me," he says. And Pacey whirls around on his heel and attacks him, with the full intention of kicking Bobby's ass. The fellow stockbrokers have to break them up. "I'm real impressed with your moral outrage! No need to get violent!" Bobby Briggs yells. Pacey finally just walks away. "When are you going to realize that fighting the good fight's not worth it?" Bobby calls after him. When are the writers going to realize that no one cares about Pacey's relationship with his boss?
Liberty Hell's Kitchen. David's finally leaving the bar when Jack leaps out of a cab. "I can't believe you're still here," he says, hastening to add that he's glad he caught him. Jack explains that he kept "missing the window of opportunity" to escape. David just shoots him an amused and incredulous look. "I'm not being too convincing, am I?" Jack asks. David grins and tells Jack that he doesn't expect Jack to be baggage-free. "You can't really move into a new relationship without being sure that the old one isn't going to lurch up from the dead one last time, so do what you've got to do," he says. "I did," Jack says. "I mean, I didn't. I didn't have to." David chuckles that Jack doesn't have to report to him. Jack smiles and says that he just wants to make sure that he's done repeating his mistakes. "And I am," he says. "Cool," David says. "Yeah, cool," Jack says. They begin to walk down the street together. "You missed one hell of an act," David says. "It'll be tough to top?" Jack offers. "Oh, it's awfully presumptuous to assume we're going out again," David tells him. The boys laugh and laugh. God bless charming, seemingly normal, cute little David. I am not looking forward to the episode where I turn against him and have to start making fun of how short he is.
Pacey sadly wanders the empty streets of New Orleans at dawn. Wow -- apparently, New Orleans has no homeless people, no one sweeping the streets, no delivery men, no paperboys, no police looking for passed out drunks, and no people driving, ever. And what a sad moment for Pacey, when he has to grapple with the fact that he's working for a man who tried to buy him a woman. Much worse than, say, the time that his girlfriend entered the loony bin, or when he broke up with Joey, or that time that he got in trouble for sleeping with his teacher, or all the times his family told him that he was a worthless piece of shit, or when his boat got all smashed up in that storm and stupid Dawson had to save him, or that one time when he brought that girl home from rehab and she dyed her hair to look like him and then tried to steal his boyfriend and then attempted to kill him in his Beemer. Oh, wait, that last one was Kelly Taylor.
Worthington. Joey wakes up slowly and looks over at Audrey's bed. Which hasn't been slept in. She makes a concerned, thoughtful face, but gets out of bed and sets to studying. After a tiresome studying/staring at bed montage, a knock comes at the door. It's Oliver, who is impressed by her room. "What are you doing here?" Joey asks. Oliver explains that Audrey left her wallet at the bar. "I can't imagine how she forgot it, with the drunken spectacle and the vomiting and all," he says. Joey takes it from him with a cursory thanks and tries to shut the door on him. Oliver puts his hand out to stop it. "Last night, I said a lot of things I didn't mean," he says. Joey crosses her arms. "Like what?" she asks. "It could be that I have some unresolved anger towards society that has nothing to do with you," Oliver reels off. Joey nods and smirks. "I've been working on that one a while," Oliver admits. Joey agrees that it was almost an apology. "I've been thinking about it all night," Oliver says. "What's 'It'?" Joey asks. Shout-out? I vote yes. "I can't believe she's denying me like this," the It calls from the bedroom, where It's playing backgammon with Evil Dr. Will. Oliver says that "It" is the two of them. "It doesn't feel good. The not pursuing it part," he says. Joey tries very hard not to smile and mostly fails. "You know, pushing away usually comes when there's something to push away from," she tells him. Oliver grins that he'd love to learn to resent her, if she'd just give him a chance. But Joey is tired of his banter. She finds it "maddening." "What would you say if you said what you meant?" he asks her, smiling. Oliver Hudson is pretty dreamy. Joey takes a breath and tells him that she'd say that she'd like to go on a date with him. "An actual date." Oliver smiles. "What would you say?" she asks him. "Well, that I'd like to get to know you and prove myself wrong," he says. "Wrong about what?" Joey asks. "About thinking that you represent everything I hate," Oliver tells her. "I think you might just represent everything I'm missing." Oh, jeez. Okay, I admit it: that line was cheesy, but he pulled it off. "Oliver had me at 'It,'" the It calls from the other room. Joey just melts. "Okay. So it's a date," she says. And he reaches out and shakes her hand, then leaves with a smile. The song in the background wails something about the "orange sky," as we focus on Joey's very orange, very happy little face.
Hey, didn't there used to be some other guy in this show? Sort of tallish, eyebrows like a caterpillars, enormous forehead? Whatever happened to him? Huh. Guess it doesn't really matter.