Previously: There are no previouslys because no one cares.
Sigh. This show is really wearing me down. I don't understand how Sars did this for so long without going on a killing spree, and then turning the gun on herself. Honestly, I can't even work up a good head of steam about it anymore. I don't have any rage left. I am rage-free. I'm just lying here on the sofa, moaning.
Anyway. Halloween music plays on the soundtrack as we open on the set of The World's Most Boring Movie. Natasha walks into the shot in full-on 1970s gear -- high-waisted jeans, ringer tee, et cetera. She pulls a similarly outfitted male into the bedroom behind her. They fall on the bed and start making out. "Are you sure about this?" the guy asks. Natasha simpers that she's never been more sure of anything in her life. "Groovy," he says. They go back to making out. In walks some guy with an axe. I hate it when axe murderers interrupt my make-out sessions. The Axe Murderer lifts his weapon of choice high over his head and…hits the electrical cords used to wire the lighting. Sparks fly everywhere. The Axe Murderer rips off his mask. "Cut," he yells. On the edge of the set, Todd rolls his eyes and complains, telling the Axe Murderer that yelling "cut" is one of the "few bright spots in [Todd's] otherwise bleak existence." Dawson smiles to himself as the stuntman stomps off. "That was fun. I forgot sometimes how much I like yelling at people," Todd says. "You're a sick man," Dawson snickers. Todd blathers on a bit, managing to drop the tidbit that they're having a Halloween party that evening and that it's happening oh-so-very-conveniently right there, on their allegedly haunted soundstage. Dawson raises his monster brows at this factoid, but Todd explains that an actress, "Melanie Ray" -- who was "the Jamie Lee Curtis of her time" -- was filming a B-movie on this very stage, many years ago. At this point, Natasha skips over to stand behind Todd and rub his neck. Dawson gives her a mildly hairy eyeball, but listens as Todd explains that Melanie was having an affair with her director, despite being married to her costar. And when the costar found out about the affair, he strangled Melanie. On set. Onscreen. "That sucks," Dawson comments sensitively. Todd intones that Melanie's spirit haunts the soundstage to this day. "If you believe in that sort of thing," he adds. Dawson looks around the set with a glint in his eye as Todd and Natasha exchange Meaningful Glances. "Even I can tell that this is a set-up," my Agent Mulder action figure mutters from the coffee table. The PA swings by to take Natasha to wardrobe. Once they're alone again, Dawson gives Todd the hairy eyeball and asks if he and Natasha are having an affair. Todd snarks that he prefers screwing the extras. He adds, however, that if he were in the market for some lead actress ass, Natasha would be the frontrunner, as she is "delightful." Dawson gulps. They get back to Natasha's delightful Making Out = Marked For Death scene. Dawson flares his nostrils watching Natasha and her Groovy Costar kissing. Todd hides a grin.
Credits.
Because he is so very special and important and smart, Dawson gets to watch the dailies with Todd. Todd, however, is far more interested in how the preparations for his Halloween party are going. Dawson assures him that things are progressing according to plan. Todd chortles that he loves Halloween, and Dawson agrees, giggling that he's "sort of famous for playing really elaborate pranks on [his] friends." Todd looks back at him blankly. "Good for you, Gilligan," he retorts. "How's my costume going?" Todd's costume, like his party, is going to be great, Dawson swears. "Am I going to look like a stud?" Todd asks. "Is there any doubt?" Dawson responds. How in love are these two? Todd wants to know if his costume will get him laid. Isn't that really the point of nine out of ten Halloween costumes? I was listening to the local alternative radio station here in Los Angeles on my way into work this Halloween, and people were calling in to share the costumes that got them laid. One guy called in and said he had a surefire ensemble: Jesus. Apparently, women throw themselves at Our Lord. Personally, that's not my bag, but whatever floats your boat. Dawson tells Todd that if he "can't close the deal" in this outfit, then Dawson has "a few extras lined up." Todd snorts, amused, and turns his attention back to the dailies. He makes a crack about how hot Natasha looks, and asks Dawson and Editing Guy to leave him alone with her for moment, if you know what I mean, and I think you do. Likewise, I think I speak for all of us when I say, "Ew." Dawson makes a tiny little jealous face, which Todd jumps on, calling Dawson "territorial." Dawson says nothing in response, so Todd barrels right along, reminding Dawson that he's the one who dumped Natasha "for the prissy one." Dawson tells Todd that it's "not that simple," but Todd begs to differ. He tells Dawson that Dawson's "puny little mind" couldn't grasp that he was lucky enough to be boning a hot Hollywood starlet, so he threw it all away for "another go at [his] prom date." Dawson mutters that Joey wasn't his prom date. Do we have to relive any of the prom-related shenanigans in this show's past again? Because I really don't want to go back there. Please don't make me go back there. Todd raises his brows. "It was junior prom, but that doesn't count," Dawson clarifies. They're gazing at each other lovingly when the Editing Guy pokes Todd; apparently, there's a mysterious shot in the dailies. Todd looks at said shot, and demands to know if this is a prank. Dawson doesn't know what he's talking about. Todd explains that this mysterious shot is one of Fake Dead Actress Melanie Ray. "Well, what is she doing in our dailies?" Dawson asks. "I have no idea," Todd lies.
Worthington School For Roommates Who Haven't Actually Had A Conversation In Six Weeks. Joey, naturally, is nowhere to be found. Audrey admires her pseudo-punk costume in their full-length mirror. "SID!" she screams, really, really obnoxiously. I mean, really obnoxiously. I guess there's really no way that she'll fall prey to the same fate that Sid and Nancy did, is there? Pacey comes out of the bathroom in incredibly tight pants. That shot was my favorite part of this entire episode. Audrey dubs his costume "awesome," but tells him that, for purposes of authenticity, the pants should really be leather. I can't believe she's complaining about the tight pants! Pacey just comments that Audrey ought to be grateful he's being Sid to her Nancy at all, as he's not really a "costume party kind of guy." Audrey snarks that he puts a costume on every morning to go to work. Pacey shoots her a cautionary glance. "Easy," he says, and Audrey sort of apologizes and admits that she doesn't want to get into "yet another tiff about [their] ever-widening ideological differences." Man, she's a pain in the ass. What happened to the sassy, optimistic, cheerful Audrey of old? My God, the writers have ruined her character in record time, haven't they? Anyway, she just walks right past Pacey and into the bathroom to finish her make-up. Pacey makes a sad face, and wanders over to her dresser. He picks up a blue book lying right on top of everything and glances at it in concern. There's a big "F" scrawled across the top of the page, and a note reading, "What's going on with you? See me!" Pacey makes a concerned face and sets the test back on the dresser as Audrey walks into the room. "You ready?" she chirps. Pacey just looks at her. "What's wrong?" she asks. Pacey thinks for a moment. "Nothing," he finally says. They leave for the party.
Jack, Jen, and Emma hang out at Jack and Emma's joint. Jack is dressed as a vampire of some sort. I believe he is, in fact, a Lost Boy, which is nothing if not a culturally relevant and timely costume here in 2002. According to the show's official site, Jen is dressed as Wednesday Addams, but it's a really horrible Wednesday Addams costume. I mean, the costume is cute, but it's not recognizable as Wednesday Addams. She looks like a Dark Angel, to me -- which makes sense as a shout-out to Jensen Ackles, since he was in Dark Angel -- if only because everyone knows that Wednesday Addams doesn't have wings. No matter what her costume is, however, Jen looks very cute. Michelle Williams looks lovely with dark hair, although it's a sad day when a Halloween fright wig looks better than someone's actual hair. Finally, Emma is…Kelly Osbourne? A 1950s punk? I don't know. These are some very obscure costumes. Anyway, Jack wants Jen to invite Blandy to this party they're going to -- it's the party Dawson's organizing for Todd, but it's not like you'd ever know it, since the only people James Van Der Beek interacts with in this episode are Todd and Natasha. Which is weird, now that I think about it, and it's been like that for the past few episodes. I wonder if there's trouble on the set. Even if there isn't, let's just tell people that there is anyway, for laughs! Jen tells Jack that she thinks it might be safer to "crush from afar." Emma tells Jack that "the girl has a point." Jack twists his mouth up, disgusted. "No, she doesn't. She just thinks he's too good for her," he says, and tosses to phone to Jen. "Dial," he tells her. Oooh, like I bossy Jack. He's sort of hot this way. Boss me around, Jack! Whoops, where did that come from? I'm very sorry. Moving along.
Jen yelps that Blandy's probably working, "doing good for others and whatnot, which is annoying, but undeniably charming." Jack bares his phony fangs. "Call the help line," he finally growls. Jen is convinced by the teeth, and does so. We go to split screen as Blandy answers the help line. She twitters through her introduction, wondering if he remembers her. He does, he says, and wants to know what he can do for her. She sputters that she just wanted to know what he's doing that evening. "But you're working, aren't you?" she asks. Blandy tells her that he's only on the clock for another hour, so Jen stutters and stammers and finally asks if he has plans for later. "If going back to the dorms and watching Halloween H2O on cable counts, then, yeah, I'm booked up." Yes, we know, producers: Michelle Williams was in Halloween H2O. Unlike some of her other choices, however -- like, say, Dick, which I love. Hee. That joke never gets old -- Halloween H2O is a horrible, horrible movie. Horrible. There are literally thousands of other, scarier, better movies to watch on Halloween. Anyhoo, Jen wonders if Blandy wants to come to this party. He agrees, and Jen nods excitedly at Jack and Emma, who clap like enthusiastic but stupid children. "Wait a minute, did you just call the help line to ask me to a party?" Blandy asks. "Yeah, is that wrong?" Jen offers. Aw, Blandy is sort of cute. I feel bad saying he's bland. Even though he really sort of is. It's not his fault, though. He's just written that way. A little shampoo and a personality, and we'd have ourselves a hottie.
Over to Liberty Hell's Kitchen! Joey leans against the bar. She shoots Oliver her crooked smiley face and announces that she talked Flip-Flops into letting him come back to class. "You talked to [Flip-Flops] about me?" Oliver parrots, sounding less than thrilled. Joey quickly realizes the error of her ways -- for once -- and admits that this was clearly a bad idea. "My bad," she offers. She explains that Oliver just seemed to go to a lot of trouble to attend class, so she thought it might have meant something to him. She apologizes again, then turns to go and runs right into this evening's Adorable Moppet, who is played by the actress who was the little sister in the best movie about girl surfers who also work in the hotel industry, like, ever: Blue Crush. The moppet also looks very much like Lucy on 7th Heaven. "Could you maybe watch where you're going?" she snaps. Joey narrows her eyes and asks the moppet how old she is. The moppet shrugs that she just wants to know where she can find "some girl with the unfortunate name of Joey." Joey's mid-brow-cock when Flip-Flops runs up behind them. See, it turns out that Joey made this deal with Flip-Flops: he lets Oliver back in class if she agrees to baby-sit his child. Apparently, Flip-Flops has a hot date, and he'd rather try to get some ass than take the moppet to the movies, despite the fact that going to the movies is their Halloween tradition. Why, you ask? Because he is a bad, bad dad. Sadly, I don't think there's any way that Joey will be able to relate to the moppet at all, do you? And speaking of unfortunate names, the moppet goes by "Harley." As in "Davidson." She's got no right to snark. So, Joey tells Flip-Flops that she thought Harley was five. Flip-Flops ignores this and just thanks her for baby-sitting. Why does the kid need a babysitter? She's, like, fifteen. Harley takes this moment to have an adolescent hissyfit about her dad bailing on her. "You're foregoing tradition to go out with some skank!" she cries. Flip-Flops sighs and points out that his date isn't "the bad kind of skank." And he promises to take Harley out the very evening. Then he leaves. Joey looks thoughtful. I can't wait until she tells Harley that she just ought to be grateful Flip-Flops isn't dealing drugs and cheating on her dying mother.
Dawson walks onto the "haunted" "movie" set, checking on last minute preparations for the party. He's costumed either as a Man In Black or one of the Reservoir Dogs. As he's checking out the party preparations, he hears someone whisper his name. Except, you know, all in ghostly tones and shit. Then he catches a glimpse of the allegedly dead and not at all fictional Melanie Ray, wandering around the set in a rain coat, a blonde wig, and giant sunglasses. And she couldn't possibly be someone in a costume. Especially on Halloween. Dawson makes a twitchy face.
The party is underway at last. A truly horrible, horrible band plays. Good thing I'm deaf from Audrey's squawking last week, or I'd be in some real pain right now. The band is fronted by this pseudo-Marilyn Manson guy who sings just terribly. Since when are people emulating Marilyn Manson again? Is it suddenly 1997? And if so, am I late for my senior seminar on Henry James? This dude sings for ages and ages and ages. The writers are really padding their episodes with musical numbers this season. I guess I should be glad that they haven't attempted a musical episode yet, because I don't think that Dawson's Creek could pull off a "Once More With Feeling" quite the way Buffy did. Can you imagine the musical numbers, though? I mean, at least it wouldn't be boring. Back at the party, people dance around in their costumes. Todd, dressed as a priest, is chatting up hot blonde twins. Dawson scampers up to him and yelps that he really, really needs to talk to him. "You better be dying," Todd says, making his excuses to the twins. I couldn't have said it better myself. Dawson tells Todd that he saw the ghost! Todd rolls his eyes and tells Dawson that he saw a partygoer in costume. Dawson explains that this was before the party even started. I get bored and decide to teach myself Portuguese. Todd tells Dawson that his mind is clearly playing tricks on him and tells him to take the night off and relax for once. "Take some 'Bye Bye, Pain' juice," he suggests. Oh, Todd. I'm bathing in Bye Bye, Pain Juice, and it's not helping. Also, is there anyone watching this show who didn't figure out twenty minutes ago that Dawson is being pranked? So, along comes Natasha, dressed as a naughty Catholic schoolgirl. Which is a total shout-out to me, as that was my costume this year. Yes, I'm That Girl: the one who wears cute costumes. I know, I know. It's sort of lame. But it's really not because I have some desperate need to always look cute, I swear. It's more that Halloween is the only night of the year that I feel comfortable going out dressed like a total skank, and sometimes it's fun to look like a total skank, so I enjoy it when I can. At any rate, although my intention was to look like a skanky Naughty Schoolgirl, my costume really turned out more like Occasionally Tardy Catholic Schoolgirl Who Might Swear If She Drops A Book On Her Foot, whereas Natasha really looks actually naughty, bare midriff and all. For his part, Dawson looks stunned by her navel. He can't even move when Todd and Natasha hit the dance floor to grind inappropriately.
Liberty Hell's Kitchen. Harley is interrogating/flirting with Oliver. He puts up with it good-naturedly until Joey saunters over to tell them to break it up. "You ready to go have some fun?" she asks Harley. Harley snidely wonders what fun Joey could possibly be talking about. Joey announces that she had been planning to take Harley trick-or-treating, but that was when Joey thought Harley was five. She suggests the movies instead. Harley thinks the movies are totally lame, and says that she wants to stay at the bar and hang out with super-dreamy Oliver! Oliver looks vaguely amused, as Joey insists that Prof. Flip-Flops wouldn't want Harley to hang out in bar. Harley brats that her father doesn't care what she does. Joey rolls her eyes and informs Harley that she "could host a daytime talk show on deadbeat dads, so don't go there." Joey grabs Harley's hand and makes to drag her out of the bar. Harley rips her hand away and refuses. Finally, Oliver takes pity on Joey and suggests that they check out this haunted house he read about in the paper. He'll even go with them, he says. "Cool!" Harley chirps, giving him goo-goo eyes. "Cool," Oliver tells her, and winks. I must admit, I adore a good wink. Not one of those cheesy "hey, baby" winks, but a proper Cary Grant Catches Your Eye Across A Crowded Room And Decides To Bring You A Martini-type wink. Harley skips off, and Joey tells Oliver that he didn't have to do that. "It sucks when people butt into your business, don't it?" Oliver retorts, smiling. Oh, Oliver. You even make poor grammar look cute.
Back to the party! Jack, wearing his shades, asks Jen if she remembered to tell Blandy that it was a costume party. Jen snorts that she did, of course…didn't she? Did she? "Check it out," Jack says, nodding toward Blandy and his sidekick, both of whom are not wearing costumes. Jen makes an "oops" face, which she covers up when Blandy approaches. Introductions are exchanged all around; Blandy's little friend is named David. After some yelping about the costume situation, David and Blandy quickly run off to get drinks. "Oh my God!" Jen yelps as soon as they're out of earshot. "I am like flypaper for the homosexual community!" Jack makes a confused face, so Jen explains that David must be Blandy's boyfriend. Jack's all, someone's wearing her Jump To Conclusions jeans. Jen waves his comments aside, speeding that Blandy is too standoffish, anyway. "When I make my intentions clear, I want them acknowledged and reciprocated, in that order," she says. Jack laughs at this, and agrees. He promises her that they'll "delve" into the issue of Blandy's sexual orientation, saying that he'll talk to Blandy if she'll chat up "the alleged homosexual." They agree to meet later and compare notes.
Joey, Oliver, and Harley trudge through the aforementioned haunted house. Could something interesting happen on this show, like, ever? For example, the haunted house could burst into flames. Or there could be a virulent break out of the Ebola virus. Or one of the regular characters could be murdered and found down by the river, wrapped in plastic, and everyone else could be suspects. See, that might be entertaining. Instead, Joey just screams when she sees a guy dressed up like a mummy. "Oh my God, you are so retarded," Harley says. Aw, out of the mouths of babes, right? "Who asked you, you little twerp?" Joey snaps. And I admit it: that little exchange made me laugh. Of course, I'm already in the fetal position, whimpering the word "cancellation" over and over again, so I'm in a weakened state. Anyway, Harley runs away, for no reason other than to let Joey and Oliver stare dreamily at each other. Oliver tells Joey to take it easy on Harley. "She's got problems," he says. Joey rolls her eyes and wonders what he knows about that. "It's obvious the girl's got some issues with her father," he tells her. "Don't we all?" Joey asks. No, Joey, that's you. I get along great with my dad. Anyway, Joey finally apologizes for butting in on Oliver's business with Flip-Flops, and explains that it's just that he's just smarter than anyone else in class and he seems to have so much potential. She hates to see it go to waste. Oliver wonders what potential she's talking about, exactly. "I like to read books," he says. "What, my life would be so much better if I went to college?" Then he gives her the usual I Don't Want Your Pity And I Also Don't Want To Be A Project For Some Rich Girl speech. Joey snorts. "You think I'm a rich kid? Wow," she says, telling him that it's funny how little he actually knows about her. Oliver sniffs that he never planned to go back to Flip-Flops's class after the first session anyway, since Flip-Flops was such an asshat. But he did…because Joey got under his skin. "At last! I have prevailed! Mwhahahahahhhahaha!" Joey's It crows. "I found myself having a series of annoying conversations with you in my head, which must be a sign of something," Oliver tells her. "So I kept coming back for more. Which ultimately proved to be my undoing." Joey's staring at him dreamily when a ghoul jumps out from behind a door and yells at her. She leaps into Oliver's arms. He looks not unpleased, calling her a scaredy-cat and grinning down at her. Oh, here we go, people. I knew this day would come. "Would you let me go now?" Joey finally asks. Oliver looks down at her. "You know what, I don't think so," he says, and kisses her. Mid-kiss, Joey pulls away. "Oh crap!" she yells. "Harley!" And she runs off. Oliver rolls his eyes.
Over at the party, the shitty band continues to play. Was Joey even invited to this party? Do any of the regular characters even talk to each other anymore? Audrey and Pacey walk through the cavorting guests. Audrey says she's died and gone to hell. If only. She wants to dance, but Pacey doesn't feel like it. Audrey smacks him lightly. "When did you become such a dull normal?" she asks. "About the same time you started failing tests," Pacey retorts. "What's with the 'F,' Audrey?" he asks. Audrey gives him a pat, snarky answer about the American grading system, but assures him that she's got it totally under control. Pacey doesn't buy it, and tells her that "F"s tend to come in bunches. Audrey looks bored and suggests that they change the subject. Pacey insists that he's just worried. Audrey snits that she finds that hard to believe, and tells him that he's "too busy running around being Glengarry, Glen Loser" to worry about much of anything. Pacey looks hurt, and tells her that he really doesn't appreciate her giving him a hard time just because he has to work for a living. "Just don't lose yourself, is all," Audrey finally spits. Pacey looks around as if searching for heavenly guidance and simply says that he can't believe they're arguing about this again.
Finally, Audrey spits out the reason behind her poor grades: she isn't going to class because she's too depressed about their relationship. She thinks Pacey loves his job more than he loves her. And if she truly did care about her, he'd know that. And then she stomps off. That's the worst excuse for a bad grade ever. "My dog ate my homework" makes more sense than that does. It would make more sense for a dog to actually eat her homework. I'm not saying that people who are depressed don't stop going to class. I'm just saying that we haven't seen Audrey being depressed at all. Drunk? Yes. Bitchy? Sure. Down in the dumps? Not exactly. Maybe I'm biased, though -- when I had a broken heart, I got the best grades of my life because I threw myself into my schoolwork. The harder I worked, the less I had to think about my feelings. But maybe Audrey just can't deal with class. Whatever: their relationship is both stupid and doomed and I haven't cared for weeks, so why start now? I'm more concerned about sniffing out the asshat at work who ate the last Devil Dog than I am about the romantic future of Audrey and Pacey.
Elsewhere at the party, Dawson is talking to a girl dressed like a devil. A hot devil, of course. She's flirting with him, but he catches sight of "the ghost" again, and makes a series of scared faces and runs away from her to chase it. "This is the worst ghost story ever," the Mulder action figure says. "I don't believe it, and I believe everything."
So, Dawson chases "the ghost" all over the party. Up onto the electrical grid, all around the catwalk, and so forth. Sadly, he does not trip and fall to his death. Instead, he looks down at the party and sees Natasha and Todd kissing. His nostrils flare wildly, and he stomps downstairs and flings open the door to Natasha's faux bedroom all angrily. The room, of course, is full of people, and Natasha and Todd aren't kissing at all. Natasha turns to him and wonders what's wrong with him. Dawson says nothing, so she and Todd shrug and go back to talking. Dawson makes a conflicted, confused face and leaves the room. Just outside the door, his cell phone rings: it's the Editing Guy -- let's call him Pepe -- asking him to come down to the Avids to check something out.
Cut to Dawson and Pepe in the editing bay. See, Pepe's found more "ghost" footage in the dallies. He had to show Dawson immediately! Doesn't poor Pepe get to go to the party? Has he been locked in his editing bay and forbidden to leave? Anyway, the new fake footage is, at the very least, fairly extensive fake footage, in which "Melanie Ray" (who might as well be wearing a shirt that says, "My Name Is Natasha" on it) is strangled by her jealous husband. On the street. In the rain. Eventually, a bunch of gaffers and grips in period outfits run onto the set and drag her Jealous, Murderous Husband away. Pepe peers at Dawson. He closes his eyes. I think he's crying! Dawson, I mean, not Pepe. Pepe's never felt better.
Later, Dawson tracks down Natasha. After a perfunctory compliment regarding her costume, he starts grilling her about Melanie Ray, Fake Dead Actress. He wonders why Ms. Ray had an affair, as she was a married lady and married ladies never have affairs. You know, except for his own mother. "Maybe they had a shot, maybe he blew it," Natasha says. Dawson sputters that maybe "she didn't give him enough of a chance." Natasha decides to cut through the subtext and asks Dawson if this is his way of asking if she's having an affair with Todd. If it is, she says, it's none of his business. Dawson lies that he wasn't insinuating anything of the sort. Natasha laughs that Dawson "isn't very good with the subtext." Subtext? This show barely has text. Natasha tells Dawson that he has no right to be jealous. Dawson sputters that he's not jealous. "Uh-huh. Just keep telling yourself that, sweetie," she says, and flounces off.
Elsewhere in Boston, Oliver and Joey comb the town looking for the missing Harley. Joey's freaking, as usual. "Everything was going just fine until you had to go and kiss me!" she yells. That's so romantic. Oliver wonders how this can possibly be his fault. "I'll accept your apology and we can move on," Joey says. Oliver points out that if Joey wants to get technical about it, she kissed him first. Which makes it her fault. What grade are these two in, again? "Shut up and make yourself useful," Joey spits, and wonders where he would be if he were a teenage girl. Cue the "If I Were A Teenage Girl I Would Never Leave The House Because I Would Be Playing With My Boobies All Day" speech. Of course, the reality is that most teenage girls never play with their boobies, because they're too busy obsessing over whether or not said boobies are too small or too big or uneven. Teenage girls have issues. I'm just saying. Oliver points out that it's all Flip-Flops's fault, really. "He's the one who was supposed to take her to the movies," he says. A light bulb goes on over Joey's head; she hugs him, calls him a "genius," and runs off.
Party. Audrey wanders the faux graveyard, climbs into a coffin as if to rest (if we were lucky, she would be resting forever), but spies some people coming and shuts the coffin lid tightly. This set-up is not at all contrived. Anyway, the person who drove her to her early grave is Pacey, who is presumably looking for her. He sits on a gravestone and looks depressed. Enter Emma, who asks if everything's okay with him. Pacey tells her that it is…if her definition of "okay" is "wanting to draw a warm bath and slit your wrists." Emma wonders if he needs to "have a bit of a chat," but Pacey tells her that he knows that's not really her thing. Emma shrugs and sits to him. "No, but we are flatmates," she says, "and I suppose that entitles you to something." Pacey agrees, and stretches out his legs. "I used to think that Audrey and I were the perfect fit," he begins, "and we were, because for the first time in any of my relationships, we were on equal footing. And it was no mind games, no high drama, no angst. It was just fun." Emma grins and says that this situation sounds good…in theory. But it's hard to sustain, she tells him. Pacey says that he's finding that out. "And it's making me second-guess myself. I'm not really sure if the reason I'm checking out is because I just can't handle the rough spots, or if it's that I just don't love her anymore. Or, really, for that matter, if I ever truly loved her," he says.
Emma looks thoughtful and tells him that only he can answer that. Pacey furrows his brow and admits that he really doesn't want to find out tonight. He suggests they rejoin the party. Emma agrees. Pacey thanks her for listening to him. Which is nice and all, but why isn't Pacey talking about these issues with his other friends? They're at the same party. They've known him forever. I mean, I guess Emma needs screen time or something, but it makes more sense, as far as I am concerned, for this kind of conversation to happen within a established friendship. I mean, do any of these people talk to each other at all anymore? I feel sometimes like I'm watching four separate shows: The Audrey and Pacey Hour of Pain, Jack & Jen, The Joey Potter It-a-thon and The Head Stays In The Picture: The Dawson Leery Story. Remember when these characters used to interact? I think maybe I would care more if any of the story arcs on this show intersected, like, ever. Anyway, Emma tells Pacey that just because they had "one proper conversation," he shouldn't think that he can "cry on her shoulder any time he likes." Pacey grins and agrees, and they walk off. Audrey swings her coffin open and looks…well, frankly, just mildly annoyed. Like she broke a nail or something.
Elsewhere at the party, Jen interrogates David. She wonders how long he and Blandy have been together. "'Together'?" David parrots. Jen speeds that she just wondered how long they've known each other. Blah blah blah. David is gay, Blandy is not, and Blandy wants Jen to be a counselor for his Help Youth Help Crisis Helpline. There was more to that scene, really, but that was the gist of it. I mean, do we really care about the backstory of elfin little gay David? He's either going to disappear within the few episodes, or his character will be completely assassinated before the end of the season, so why bother to invest the energy? Have some more of that Bye Bye, Pain juice and don't worry your pretty little head about it.
Meanwhile, Blandy talks to Jack. He reiterates that he is not, not, not, not, not, not gay. "I'm not offended. I'm just not gay. David's gay. Me, not so much. Nope, not gay. I'm not at all homosexual. Don't have sex with men at all. Not interested in getting it on with a dude. Couldn't be less interested in kissing another guy. Don't even check them out in the shower. I like to have sex with women. Vaginal intercourse for me, all the way!" Jack says that he knows someone who will be very happy to hear that. "Who?" Blandy asks, wrinkling up his nose. "A little dense," Jack says, almost to himself, like he's recording his impression of Blandy into a wire in his collar. He explains, slowly and with little words, that Jen, his "cute little traveling companion," likes Blandy. She likes him likes him. "Well, that's nice to hear," Blandy says noncommittally. Then he admits that he's not into Jen at all. She's cool and all, he says, but he's not looking for a relationship right now, and Jen's also not his type. Jack makes a disappointed face. Stupid Blandy. Poor Jen. Will she never find happiness in the arms of a man? Or a woman? Or, you know, alone and reveling in her own personal happiness as a single woman?
Outside the movie theatre, Oliver gives some adorable little trick-or-treaters directions to the haunted house. Eventually, Joey arrives, Harley in tow. "You gave us quite a scare tonight, young lady," Oliver says. Joey directs him not to "be cute" with Harley, because Harley doesn't deserve it. Harley brats that they'll be rid of her soon enough, and Joey can then "go back to [her] miserable existence." Joey tells Oliver to scram so she can have a little chat with Harley. He scampers off obediently. Yes, it's time for Joey to play the Bad Dad card. And if that doesn't work, she's got the Dead Mom card in her back pocket. That one never loses. Anyway, Joey tells Harley that Flip-Flops's behavior doesn't mean he's a bad dad, and it doesn't mean that he doesn't love her. "No, it just means he's a dick," Harley says. Charming. She wonders if Joey even likes Flip-Flops, because she can't see how anyone could possibly like him. "He's very abrasive," she points out. Joey admits that this is true, but…she can't think of a nice adjective to quantify this. Harley moans that every time she visits her father, she tricks herself into believing that he'll be different, but he never is. "It's just different shades of the same," she says. Joey looks sympathetic. No one cares! I couldn't make myself care about this plot if Flip-Flops was being played by George Clooney -- okay, that's a lie.
Party. Dawson wanders around, looking at the guests. Finally, he sees the stupid, stupid, fake, fake ghost and gives chase. Again. The ghost leads him into a room where Natasha and Todd are making out. Again. Todd yelps that "this isn't what it looks like." Dawson flares his nostrils. "Really? You guys aren't screwing behind my back?" he asks. "No, we are," Todd says, but explains that Natasha can be "very persuasive." Dawson snaps at him to shut up, then tells Natasha that he's very sorry about the whole stupid Dumping Via Voicemail thing and he admits that he made the wrong choice and he doesn't think he's really communicated that to her and he likes her and he's very, very jealous of Todd, and also, he quits! He stomps dramatically out of the room, but comes back in a moment later to wish Todd good luck with the rest of the movie. That was almost funny.
After the ads, Dawson goes back to ghost-chasing. After much running around, he comes face to face with Non-Dead, Non-Ghostly Melanie Ray, who takes off her wig and her glasses and is, of course, Natasha. She laughs at him as Todd sneaks out of the darkness with a video camera. "This is bloody gold, mate!" Todd chortles. Dawson is confused, because he is an idiot. Natasha smiles and wishes him a happy Halloween. "We've had the immense pleasure of screwing with your mind this evening," she giggles. Dawson rubs his forehead. That's a lot of ground to cover, there. "So, wait, you two aren't…?" he asks. "No way, " Natasha sneers. "Too old, too many extras." Todd, for his part, smirks that he isn't into sloppy seconds. Dawson wonders if all the phony footage wasn't a lot to go through, just for a prank at his expense. Todd tells him that, on the contrary, it was worth every second. He's running to find Pepe right now, to have him cut the video footage together. And this is why Todd's movie is behind schedule and over budget. He's making his editors cut footage of his assistant running around in his Halloween costume. "You weren't serious about the quitting thing, were you?" Todd asks as he goes. Dawson assures him that he wasn't. Thank God, I can sleep easy tonight!
Outside, Jen talks to Blandy, telling him that she was reconsidering joining the Andrea Zuckerman Memorial Help Youth Help Teen Help Crisis Help Helpline. Blandy assures her that they'd love to have her. If she's doing it for the right reasons. "Are there any other reasons?" she wonders. Poor Jen. She so likes him. She's so being set up for disappointment. "I don't know," Blandy says awkwardly. Jen grins that he'd save her a lot of trouble if he'd just go out with her. And Blandy just smiles at her.
We cut to Jack and David, who watch Blandy and Jen from afar. "This is making me sad," Jack says, especially since he's the one who convinced Jen to invite Blandy to the party. "Trust me, she's better off," David says. Jack furrows his brow, but David explains that "it's a long story." Jack wonders if they can discuss it some time, say, over coffee? David thinks this is a great idea. Hey, Jack has a date! That rocks! Yay, Jack! Maybe we'll get our gay kiss this year. Hey, the homoeroticism works for Smallville. ["Yeah, but it's a lot more 'erotic' when the so-called gay character isn't terrified of getting physical with his male co-stars. Right, Kerr?" -- Sars] Eventually, Blandy and Jen come up, and the foursome say their goodbyes and go their separate ways. Jack asks Jen how "it went." Jen twitters that Blandy is playing hard to get. "But no worries, he'll be mine," she says. Jack just looks sad before taking a deep breath and suggesting that they go home.
Liberty Hell's Kitchen. Joey and Harley are playing pool when Flip-Flops arrives. Apparently his date told him he had a toxic personality. "Is that bad?" he wonders. Whatever. This plot is boring. Flip-Flops finally collects Harley, who apologizes to Joey for being "such an über-bitch." Joey tells her that she can't stop hoping for Flip-Flops to turn around. "You're too young to be so bitter," she tells Harley. Oh, Pot! Kettle's on the phone! Harley just walks off, but eventually turns around to tell Joey that Oliver, like, totally likes her. "Hope a guy like him looks at me that way someday," Harley says, warning Joey not to mess it up. Joey nods. Harley leaves. A) Gag me. B) I think I'm drooling, I'm so bored.
Finally, Oliver comes back, carrying a root beer float for Harley. He and Joey decide to split it, especially after Oliver cracks that he wouldn't want perfectly good ice cream to go the way of his "potential." Heh. They share the float. Joey asks him what's going on with them, what with all the kissing and all. "We're not dating," he laughs at her. "Oh, God, no," she agrees. Oliver tells her that he's not going back to class, either. Joey shrugs and says that's fine. She lies that she has no desire to change him. "You know, Joey, I have no idea what's going on between us. And I kinda like it that way," Oliver says. Joey agrees. They drink their float. That's sort of cute, in a 1958 kind of way.
One day, this will all be over. Pacey finally finds Audrey outside. He says he's been looking all over for her. "Is everything okay?" he asks. Audrey looks up at him, all teary. "I think we should break up, Pacey," she says. "What?" Pacey asks. She has no response, so Pacey suggests that they "sleep on it" and talk about it in the morning. Audrey makes a face. "No. This is what I want," she says. Pacey sadly tells her that "this is not how [he] wanted this to happen." Audrey glares at him. "SHUT UP PACEY," Audrey yells. "JUST SHUT UP, OKAY? You are getting off easy here and you know it," she tells him. "I am not going to let you put up some false protest so you feel better about yourself. I am ending it now." Pacey rolls his eyes and sighs. "That's how I know that it's over," Audrey says. "You didn't say a word, Pacey. Not a word. Because you don't have the energy to fight it. And I deserve better than that." Whatever, you spoiled little brat. Pacey's a nice guy who's working hard for a living and trying to do the best he can. Also, I hate you now. Nevertheless, Pacey agrees that she deserves better than him. I think he just wants to get this over with and escape from her. Audrey spits angrily that Pacey's just following "the script," the way she expected. "How many empty words is it going to take for you to be able sleep easy at night?" she asks. This, at last, makes Pacey mad, and he demands to know what she wants from him. "You know that's not how it is. But the negativity gets to me, too. So I agree with you," he sighs. "Don't you dare try to make yourself feel noble, Pacey!" Audrey yells. "You are NOT some knight in shining armor. You are just a guy who has grown tired of screwing the same girl and you feel guilty about it." Audrey, by the way, has two enormous zits on her forehead. She's had a gigantic pimple in every episode this season, and not once has the make-up crew covered them entirely. What is wrong with her complexion? I'd crack that it must be drugs, but I think that's bad complexion karma and I need all the beauty help I can get. Pacey makes a disgusted face. "You think that sucks?" Audrey weeps, her make-up going everywhere. "Why don't you try being the one who has to wonder why all the people that she loves don't love her back?" she wails. Oh, Moses, smell the roses! Go to therapy, Audrey, and shut your giant yap. "Oh, Audrey, come on," Pacey begins, and reaches for her. But she hauls back and smacks him across the face, hard. Pacey just sighs, again, and rolls his eyes, again. Audrey bursts into further false tears. I wish she would burst into flames. Why does everyone in his show have to get all angsty and complicated? Can't anyone start out entertaining and, you know, stay that way? Pacey rubs his face as Audrey sobs and The Sad, Sad Piano Of Doomed Relationships Finally Destroyed At Last sings in the background. Wow, that was great fun!
Dawson and Natasha sneak back onto the 1970s bedroom set. "Still mad at me?" she asks. Dawson explains that he wasn't mad, he was "insanely jealous." He looks at his feet. "I don't think I realized how much I wanted to be with you until I thought you were sleeping with Todd," he says. Natasha smiles. "Say it again," she coos. "What, that I was jealous?" he asks. "No, that you like me," Natasha says. I sort of like Natasha, too. I'm sure they'll destroy her by the end of the season. Dawson smiles. "I like you, Natasha. I really like you," he tells her. Natasha smiles that she believes him. "A lot of people walk in and out of my life," she says, "and you may not believe me, because I'm an actor and I lie for a living, but you're one of the only people I want to stick around." Dawson admits that he doesn't know what to believe. "I love my life," he says, then launches into that whole boring Living The Dream thing. "I can't help but feel like it's all an illusion," he tells her. "Like it's all just one moment away from ending forever." Natasha points out that, actually, it is; this could be her last job, we could all die in an earthquake, Dawson could catch the Hanta virus and die, yadda yadda yadda. They kiss. "God, I missed you," Natasha tells him. Dawson pulls her into his arms as she tells him that she always wanted him back. He just had to pay for his mistakes first. But now? They're just about even. Well, bully for them. Anyway, Dawson lays her down on the bed, and the camera totally focuses on his bald spot, which is delightful. He repeats the lines from the movie, as seen in this episode's opening scene: "Are you sure about this?" he asks. "As sure as I've ever been about anything in my entire life," Natasha retorts, smiling. "Groovy," Dawson coos. They make out. Behind them, the door opens and someone walks in with an axe. We all go to the credits hoping against hope that week will open with the aftermath of a bloodbath.