Previously, on Dawson's Creek: Jen tried to kiss Blandy and he shot her down; Audrey broke up with Pacey and kicked off her Downward Spiral Of Booze, Drugs, Inappropriate Sex, Fight-Picking, And High-Pitched, Unpleasant Wailing; Dawson made out with Natasha; and Jack and Tiny, Gay, Elfin David (or TGED) liked each other. Those previouslys were sponsored by Jack Daniel's. Jack Daniel's: For when you have to drink yourself into a mindless stupor to escape from the fact that the upcoming episode contains more blatant product placement than the sale aisle at Target.
Liberty Hell's Kitchen, the only gin joint in Boston. Not like I should talk; I went to college in Los Angeles -- which has a ton of bars -- and yet I went to the same place five nights a week. It was close, you know? And they knew me there. Also, they let you dance and served drinks that you got to set on fire. Anyway, Dawson's at a table with Jen, Jack, and TGED, catching up on the gossip. Jen fills him in on the details of Joey and Audrey's fight to the death. Well, the "to the death" part is just my fantasy, but you can't take that away from me. Jack interjects that the fight isn't nearly as bad as Jen is implying. TGED agrees, telling Dawson that it's more like the girls are just keeping their distance from each other. "Thank you," Dawson tells TGED with a "who are you, anyway?" look. "No problem," TGED shrugs with a grin. I really do like him. It may be because I have a tiny, gay, elfin friend of my own and his name is also David and he's just a peach, so I'm projecting. I don't really care. I'm just happy that I don't want to run him down with a truck. "You know, I'm sure if we could get them in the same room, they'd would work things out just fine," Jen chirps. It appears that she got a haircut, thank God. Her hair looks three hundred percent better. "Joey and Audrey?" Dawson asks. "Audrey and Pacey, duh," Jen twitters. Dawson looks at her like she's on speed as Emma swings by with a platter of burgers. She asks Dawson if he wants anything, but he shakes his head, telling her that he can't stay that long. "She's not working tonight, if that's what you're asking," Jack tells him, and for a moment I have no idea what he's talking about. Finally, it dawns on me that he means Joey isn't working, so Dawson can feel free to hang around without fear of an awkward confrontation. Then I remember that I don't care about that plotline. Jen chimes in, asking Dawson to please stay and chat with them some more, but the Head swears that he really does have to get back to the set -- Todd thinks he's off running an errand. Which, technically, he says, he is. Dawson takes an envelope from his pocket and hands it to Jen. "Oh, you feel so bad that you don't call that you've got to give us presents," Jen chortles. Dawson smiles and tells her to open it. "I'd use them myself if I could," he says, as Jen pulls out ten tickets to a No Doubt concert. She squeals as Dawson explains that Todd got them for free, since he knows the band or something. (In this case, "or something" means "because the network demanded that No Doubt appear on the show to push their record.") "Go, have fun, let me know what happens when you get Pacey and Audrey in the same room at the same time," Dawson tells the thrilled threesome. "Thanks!" Jen chirps as he leaves.
Dawson's leaving just as Joey's coming. Wow, a really dirty joke just popped into my mind. One that takes me to a sort of unpleasant place, mentally. My officemate and I are building a shrine to Michael Vartan on our wall, and I think I have to go stare at it until I lose that mental image. Okay. Deep breaths. Aaaand I'm back. "Hey," Joey says, surprised to see him. "Sorry, I was just..." he begins, but Joey interrupts to tell him not to apologize. "They're back there, Jack and Jen," Dawson says, nodding toward their friends. The Twinkly Music Of I Can't Believe They're Still Pushing This Soulmate Crap tinkles in the background as Dawson and Joey stare at each other. "How've you been?" Joey asks. Dawson's been just great, he says. She smiles. He mentions that he heard about Joey and Audrey's falling out. Joey shrugs. "Those things happen, I guess. People fight," she tells him. "Oh my God, we get it," Joey's It -- which has abandoned her entirely in favor of living in the box under my bed with Evil Dr. Will from Big Brother II -- mutters. Dawson and Joey exchange A Look. Dawson finally breaks the silence and says he doesn't want to keep her. "Dawson, they're your friends, too," Joey reminds him. Dawson tells her that he knows that, but his sassy, saucy, insouciant boss is waiting for him back at home. Er, I mean, "on set." "Nice seeing you," Joey tells him. "You, too," Dawson responds. "Oh, for the love of Pete! Get over it!" my Mulder action figure yells. This moment with the Mulder action figure was sponsored by 1013 Productions. 1013 Productions: For when your head just won't explode enough.
The day...or maybe just later in this day...Oliver and Joey confab at the bar. After repeating the word "Worcester" to one another nine times -- so as to show off the one Bostonian pronunciation they've mastered, if they've even mastered it, as I have no idea what it's really supposed to sound like -- Joey finally gets around to asking him to go to the concert with her. He balks at all the driving and the meeting of the friends. "How is that a date?" he asks. Um, because she asked you to go with her to the concert and you're not buying your own ticket? Sounds like a date to me. "I'm there, you're there and if you play your cards right, you might just get a kiss at the end of the evening," is how Joey explains it. Now, see, to me, that sounds less like a date than my scenario. She could be describing, say, a party. Or a night at the local pub. Or office hours with one of her professors. "A kiss?" Oliver parrots. "Yeah, that's usually how the whole first-date thing shakes out," Joey says. That shameless hussy, planning on kissing on the first date! What if he chews with his mouth open? Or doesn't own a television set? Or tells you that he got rid of his refrigerator because it was "too loud to [his] head." (All true stories, by the way.) I guess Joey hasn't been on as many bad first dates as I have. Oliver points out that he's already kissed her twice. Joey smirks that there is another option for the end of the evening: she shakes his hand and reimburses him for gas money. "You in or out?" she asks. What a romantic she is! Oliver assures her that he is in.
Cut to the set of The Most Boring Movie In The Whole Wide World. Against all odds, they've finished early with their day work and Dawson talks Todd into giving the crew the weekend off. Like that ever happens. Also, there's apparently a pool running regarding how early, exactly, Todd will let them go. I don't want to ruin the suspense here, but at the end of this scene, Dawson wins the pool. Todd also gives Dawson his own No Doubt tickets -- better than the ones he gave the gang, apparently -- and some backstage passes. Dawson is pleased, but surprised that Todd isn't going to the concert himself. "Between you and me? I'm old. And tired. And if we're going to wrap four hours and thirty-five minutes early, all I want to do is go home and get some sleep," Todd eyebrows. Bless you, Todd. You're now an honorary member of the OLP. Todd winks, pats Dawson on the shoulder, and bails with a cheery "go get 'em, tiger."
Jen and Audrey are at a record store -- do people still call them that? Whatever. They're browsing through the CDs, which provides the opportunity for a long, loving, full-screen shot of the cover of the latest No Doubt album. Jen is haranguing Audrey to come with them to the concert; Audrey pouts. Jen points out that if No Doubt can "overcome their romantic entanglements," then Audrey can get along with Pacey and Joey for one night. After more irritating and unrealistic dialogue about Gwen Stefani and the band, which I refuse to recap, Audrey relents. I feel so bad for Gina Fattore. The Product Placement Episode Of The Season fell on her watch, and I'm quite sure that the network forced her to work all this No Doubt crap into the dialogue. She did the best she could, really, but this episode is in many ways a glorified commercial for an album that was produced by the same multimedia empire that produces this show. And while I understand the concept of synergy, there's a fine line between artful product placement and an infomercial, and this episode falls uncomfortably close to the latter. I don't really have a beef with the concept of using television to sell music, as Dawson's does regularly by advertising the music used in the episode over the end credits; I actually think that's sort of clever, marketing-wise, and at least it's not blatantly intrusive as far as the storyline goes.
But this is absurd. It's absurd and it's insulting. Not to mention the fact that it does the story itself no favors. I mean, do you ever see crap like this on other, more critically and artistically acclaimed shows? No. I've yet to see Sydney Bristow turn to Vaughn and go, "After a long day of spying, nothing makes me feel better about the fact that my mother killed your father than coming home and popping in the new Disney DVD of Beauty and the Beast, which I happen to have here, stuck in the pocket of my neoprene dress. Look at the cover of it, so as to better identify it when you see it at a store near you, Vaughn." Or on, say, 24, it's not like Jack Bauer is all turning to the President and saying, "It's unfortunate that terrorists might blow us all to bits. But if we have to die today, I'd like to go with some hot, fresh Taco Bell in my gullet. And thank God, this week their Fiesta Gorditas are only 99 cents! You're so distracted by your presidential duties that I'm not sure you heard me: Fiesta Gorditas are only 99 cents, this week only, at Taco Bell. Come on, sir, let's make a run for the border." ["But it's only not like that because they've already given the Ford vehicles in the episode a series of lingering, lechy close-ups. Sigh." -- Sars] The glorified infomercial episode is a sure sign of declining quality on a show, and this is the worst one I've ever seen, mostly because the product placement is so constant and the musical scenes are so long, but also because the band appearance has literally no effect on the plot. I mean, at least when Donna, Kelly and Brenda were stalking Color Me Badd, there weren't twenty minutes of "I Adore Me Amore." Anyway. The more I think about it, the more irritated I get, so I'm just going to stop thinking about it. The above rant was sponsored by crack cocaine. Crack cocaine: What you're smoking when you think the audience is too stupid to notice that you're shoving a product down their throats with the subtlety of a jackhammer in a library.
"I'm sure Mojo JoJo will be there," Audrey snarks. Heh. I wish I'd thought of that one. Point to the writers. Jen points out if Audrey can live in a dorm room with Joey, than she can surely handle a concert with her. "She's bringing that guy, right?" Audrey asks. Jen confirms that she is, but promises Audrey that they don't have to sit to them. "We're using the gays as a barrier between the breeders and the bitter single girls," she explains. "So, are they, like, dating now?" Audrey sneers. Jen giggles that Audrey wants the gossip so bad that it's killing her. "I don't want the gossip," Audrey yelps. "I don't know, I just want to hear that she has a pimple or something." That has got to be a crack about all of the zits Busy Philipps has been sporting lately. Although her skin looks fine here. "I want there to be one tiny little chink in her armor of perfection. I mean, has that girl ever made a mistake, like, ever?" Audrey asks. Jen smiles woefully. "Yeah, actually, she made the same one that you did: she dumped Pacey," Jen says. Wait, I thought Pacey dumped Joey. Did I hallucinate that? I mean, it was sort of Joey's…oh, let's not go there again. Audrey says that she heard my version. "Oh, whatever," Jen says. "Who knows, who cares? The important thing is that they're still friends. Like us." Girl, please. Jack and Jen gossiped about the Joey and Pacey breakup ad nauseam, as all of my friends and I have discussed our breakups and the breakups of our friends. Everyone knows everyone else's horrible stories by heart. People care about that kind of dirt. "Mean that?" Audrey asks. "Yeah," Jen smiles. And Audrey agrees to grace them with her presence. Jen squeals with glee, then turns around and runs right into Blandy Blands.
"Oh, hi," she says, cueing the awkward looks and embarrassed greetings from all three of them. Jen finally tells him that she doesn't want to pretend that nothing happened between then, but she also doesn't want to make a big deal out of what did happen. Blandy hems and haws, and so Jen just up and gives him a ticket to the concert. Oh, Contrivance! How I've missed you. I heard you've been staying at Shack's. Jen assures Blandy that TGED and Jack and a whole bunch of other people are coming, too, so it's not like it's a date. Blandy and Audrey exchange awkward looks. "I didn't think it was," Blandy tells Jen. "Come if you want," Jen finishes, and turns to go, telling Audrey that she'll pick her up at seven. "No bailing, okay?" She leaves. I thought she and Audrey had gone shopping together, which makes Jen's leaving in the midst of their outing rather odd, but whatever. Blandy leans against the counter and asks Audrey if she was ever going to call him back. "I think the answer to that would be fairly obvious," Audrey snaps, and storms off. Blandy follows her.
Outside, Blandy yelps at Audrey that they didn't do anything wrong! She turns and glares at him. "No, we were great. And we'll probably win some kind of award for moral fortitude and the proper use of birth control," she snaps. They give those now? Audrey tries to walk away, but Blandy follows, whining that it's not like Jen is his girlfriend or something. "Yeah, well, neither am I," Audrey points out. Blandy asks if she plans to pretend like nothing ever happened. "Yes, and unless you want me to kill you, you will too," Audrey says, stomping away from him dramatically. Blandy looks sad and thoughtful, an expression I'm sure he used on General Hospital (or whatever soap he was on) every single day. As much as I loathe Audrey now, Busy Philipps did a nice job with that scene. She can't help the fact that Audrey sucks rocks now.
Cut to the arena where the commercial -- er, "concert" is being held. Joey and Oliver are in line to get inside. But Joey left the tickets in the pocket of her other coat. Retard. She shoots the ticket-taker dude an apologetic smile and tries to explain. "Fashion tragedy. ," he says dismissively. "She's nothing without me," her It calls from my kitchen, where It's making crème brulée. This is so unrealistic. Joey, of all people, is far too anal to forget her tickets. I know that when I go anywhere requiring tickets, I check my purse or pocket or wherever I stashed them, like, seriously, twenty-five times. And I know that's neurotic, but so is Joey. Anyway, she can't believe what an idiot she is. Oliver suggests they drive back to Worthington and fetch the tickets, but Joey whines that it's just too far and they'd never get back in time. "Do you really want to just forget about the concert?" Oliver asks. Joey moans that of course she doesn't! She loves No Doubt. No Doubt cured cancer! No Doubt got women the vote! No Doubt caught the Night Stalker and stopped the Boston Strangler! No Doubt signed the Emancipation Proclamation, ending slavery forever! No Doubt discovered Lana Turner at the counter at Schraft's! No Doubt can run a five-minute mile! No Doubt makes a mean coq au vin! No Doubt brews its own wine and tills its own fields of wheat and barley! No Doubt invented the carousel and the Ferris wheel and the roller coaster! No Doubt discovered penicillin and Prozac and Percodan! No Doubt designed the American flag! No Doubt has a unicorn! No Doubt is the greatest band that ever was and if you don't buy their new CD today -- available at Target, Best Buy, and Tower Records -- then you and your entire family will die horrible, painful deaths and you'll be excommunicated and terrorists will spit on your bodies! Of course she doesn't want to miss the concert. Oliver's all, "Then follow me." Joey squeals some girlish protest, but Oliver holds up a manly hand. "Silence! Before I change my mind!" he orders her.
In their own line for admission, Natasha and Dawson trade saliva samples. I loathe public displays of affection. It's just gauche, especially when you're, you know, not fifteen years old. Blah blah blah, Dawson's tickets are for Saturday. This is Friday. They're not getting in. Too bad, so sad. Outside, Natasha tells Dawson she can probably sneak them backstage. Are you getting how I'm totally not spending any time or effort on Dawson's plot? I heard that his decreased screen time this season is per the Beek's own request. And I thank him for that, and am rewarding him by doing him the same service in the recap. I figure, the less I talk about him, the less likely I am to mention that his eyebrows look like deranged caterpillars wrestling for control of an enormous marble tombstone. It's just my way of giving back.
Jen and Pacey walk though the arena. I'm beginning to suspect that Josh Jackson was arrested by the fashion police last week, as well as the regular police, because his hair looks like ass. Anyway, they're sort of chatting about their friends, and Jen tells him that she really thinks TGED is "going to stick." Pacey snorts that he was unaware that she had "the psychic power to see into the future of relationships." Jen sighs. "Yes, just not my own," she says. I really like Jen's purple coat and stripy scarf. The scarf is very Michael Kors. I want to wrap myself in it and just roll around. Anyway, Jen points in the general direction of their seats and tells Pacey that "there's going to be someone there who wants to talk to you." Pacey's smile fades in tune to The Wacky Twang Of Meddling Friends on the soundtrack. "Oh come on, you did not just do this to me," he groans. Jen admits that she did, but "out of love." Yeah, my mom said she took me to get my flu shots out of love, too, and they still hurt like a bitch. Jen promises Pacey that in a few years, he'll be glad he did the mature thing. Pacey sighs. "Come on, go," Jen tells him. "You know you want to." He walks off.
Audrey sits alone in their seats, nervously tapping her knee. Her skirt is cut up to her hoo. "Surprise," Pacey announces weakly when he gets to her. She makes some inarticulate noise in greeting as he sits beside her and says that he did call her. "I know. I just figured that I shouldn't talk to you until I hated you a little less," Audrey says. Pacey wonders how that's going. "It's going," Audrey says. "Only problem is now I kinda hate myself." I feel like that statement needs to be followed by one of those "The More You Know" graphics or something. Finally, Pacey takes Audrey's hand and asks if they can go for a walk, go somewhere more quiet and private to talk. "You really are an old man, aren't you?" Audrey asks. I hope she trips in her three-inch pumps and falls on her face. That moment of catty hatred was sponsored by Doritos. Doritos: For when a character you really used to like turns into an unpleasant bitch. Now, with more nacho cheese flavor!
Oliver and Joey are at the backstage door, where Oliver tells the security guard -- let's call him Raoul -- that he has to talk to someone who works there. "Is it me?" Raoul asks. "No," Oliver admits. So Raoul slams the door in Oliver and Joey's face. Oliver, for some reason, is dressed like Marty McFly, with a red puffy vest over a jean jacket. Which is fine with me. When I was eleven, there was no man I loved more in this world than Michael J. Fox. Joey turns to Oliver and tells him that they can stop this little game at any point. "But it's going so well," Oliver replies. Joey tells him that he doesn't have to try to impress her -- this whole thing's her fault anyway. "Believe me, if this works, you will not be impressed," Oliver says, then notices that more people are approaching the door. He claims that this is good, for some reason that we never learn because Joey sees that the people approaching are Dawson and Natasha and drags Oliver away to hide from them.
So, Raoul is mesmerized by Natasha's hooters and lets her and Dawson backstage. Meanwhile, Joey and Oliver chat behind a large box covered in No Doubt stickers. Thank God, too, because I plum forgot what band they're so desperately trying to see. Oliver wonders if that guy's the dude from the movie set. Joey nods tightly. He asks why they're hiding. "Gut instinct," Joey replies. Oliver peeks over the top of the box and sees that Dawson and Natasha have just gone inside. He and Joey race to the door and slide in just before it swings shut.
Backstage, Natasha is trying to convince Raoul that she and Dawson are "on the list." It doesn't work, however, and Raoul eventually kicks them out. Before that, though, while Raoul chats up Natasha's ta-tas, Joey and Oliver sneak past undetected. Portly Security Guard Raoul was sponsored by Central Casting. Central Casting: From Sassy Black Lady to Spicy Latin Hottie, we support all your stock character casting needs.
Inside the arena, Blandy and Jen talk at the concession stand. He tells her that he didn't know Audrey had a boyfriend. Jen explains that she just broke up with someone, which is why she's gone all Bad Girl. She's having a hard time, Jen says. "She seems kind of single to me," Blandy offers carefully. "Why, that night at the party?" Jen asks. "That, and other things," Blandy says. Jen explains that Audrey is "just confused." Frankly, in my experience, a lot of people use the I Just Broke Up With Someone And Now I'm Just Confused And Acting Out excuse when really they just want carte blanche to be an asshole. "It happens to the best of us," Jen shrugs. Blandy agrees that indeed, it does. They make their way toward their seats. "You know, for two people who aren't going out, we end up alone an awful lot of the time," Jen observes. Oh, Lindley. Drop it already. Blandy stammers that they need to talk about that, because he feels bad about it. "Obviously, you have the wrong impression of me," he says. Behind them, extras walk around wearing extremely bizarre outfits. They all look like they raided Cindy Lauper's wardrobe back in 1983 and have just now found a place to wear her cast-offs.
Jen points out that their relationship ceased to be ambiguous when Blandy refused to kiss her. Blandy insists that he doesn't want her to think that he's playing games with her or some crazy shit like that. It's just that he's interested in someone else. "Oh," Jen offers, clearly hurt. "So all that stuff about not being ready to date just applied to me." Blandy explains that other girl "just took [him] by surprise." Jen stares at him. "We were at the wrong place at the wrong time and things just sort of escalated," he continues. "Did you sleep with this girl?" Jen asks, and as much as I sympathize with her, that's totally not her business. Blandy says nothing. "Ah, so sleeping with people doesn't violate your moral code, but dating them does," Jen spits. "Jen, let me try to explain something to you," Blandy says, but Jen cuts him off and says that he already has. "Really well, too. And for future reference, when things escalate with a girl, that usually means she's interested in you," she says. "Yeah, except for when she's kind of messed up and already has a boyfriend," Blandy spits in return. Jen just looks wan and hurt. "You're really good, you're a really good friend. To Audrey, to everybody," Blandy begins, and that's when it all just hits Jen in the face. "Audrey? What does Aud-- oh my God," she gasps, cuing The Sad Piano Music Of My Friend Slept With The Guy I Like (The Guy I Like Slept With My Friend). "You slept with Audrey. You slept with Audrey," she repeats. Blandy begins to try to explain, but Jen just walks away.
Audrey and Pacey ride down the escalator to a bizarrely unpopulated area of the arena. Audrey is holding a bright yellow No Doubt t-shirt, which she waves in the air as she thanks Pacey for buying it for her. "It was the least I could do for acting like a swine," he offers. Audrey's skirt is even shorter than I first thought, and it has a slit literally up to her belt. I guess part of her downward spiral includes "dressing like a crack whore." Audrey shrugs that Pacey was just being "a guy." Pacey corrects her and says he was acting like "a human being." Audrey's not really listening to him, of course, and just mutters something about how it's her own responsibility to make herself happy. Pacey reminds her that she hasn't been doing "such a bang-up job with that." Audrey shrugs and admits that she misses him. They hug. "Booooooring!" Joey's It calls from my bedroom, where It is re-organizing my closet. I have to say, the It irked me to no end on the show, but It's a wonderful houseguest. Pacey pulls away from Audrey and informs her that he can't take any more of her being "down on [herself]." And he's going to make her feel better. "By force, if necessary." He's about to tickle her or some shit when Jen comes trudging into the scene. She doesn't look pissed so much as she does disappointed, which everyone knows is worse. Pacey cheerfully suggests that they go find their seats, but Jen asks him to go on ahead so she can talk to Audrey in private.
After he leaves, Jen gives Audrey the saddest, most disappointed look ever. "I just wanted to tell you that I know about what happened with you and [Blandy]," she says quietly. Audrey has the good grace to look at least slightly abashed. "Jen. I just want you to know that I didn't know you liked him so much," she begins. "I mean, I thought that you did, but..." Wow. There's just so much wrong with that line of defense. As far as I am concerned, if you even suspect that your friend likes a boy -- and you'd have to be dead in the ground not to know that Jen had the hots for Blandy, by the way, so Audrey saying she was unsure is bullshit -- you don't sleep with that guy. Wasn't it Audrey who, just last season, was all espousing "bros before hos"? Practice what you preach, sister. And yeah, I know this is all The Tragic Unfolding Of Audrey's Downward Spiral, but the writers are going to have a hard time rehabilitating her at the end of this. That is, if they ever want her to be sympathetic, like, ever again. Jen just looks at her. "I don't want to talk about this," she says. "I just wanted to let you know that I know." She turns to leave, but Audrey calls her back. She pleads with Jen to just go ahead and yell at her. "I deserve it," she whines. "It was a mistake, it was a big mistake." Whatever. I find that pretty hard to believe. Here's my theory: Jen is the only person not mad at Audrey for one reason or another, right? So of course Audrey's going to sleep with Blandy, to alienate the only person she knows who doesn't think she sucks. It's all part of The Downward Spiral. Is it too much to hope that the downward spiral ends in Audrey falling into the Charles River and drowning? Or overdosing in Liberty Hell's Kitchen's bathroom, thereby teaching the gang a lesson about the evils of drugs? Or accidentally shooting herself in the stomach with her father's gun at her birthday party whilst attempting to demonstrate to Joey how she can twirl the weapon like a gunslinger? "Yeah, it was a mistake," Jen says. "So, yell at me," Audrey whines pathetically. "I don't want to yell at you," Jen says. "I don't have it in me to yell at you. You know, I've actually been holding back lately because I actually had some sympathy for you," she continues. "I thought, Audrey, she's just confused, she's just messed up, but you're not. You're just sad." And with that, Jen just turns and walks away. Audrey does look sad, it's true.
Inside the arena, No Doubt sings. Jen joins her friends (including Emma) and bops around anemically, until the power and the glory of the music possesses her and she starts dancing with abandon. No Doubt: Healing heartbreak all over the world. I mean, I like No Doubt and all. But this is really just too much.
Meanwhile, Oliver and Joey wander the bowels of the arena. Joey's pretty sure that they're lost, but Oliver assures her that he knows exactly where they are. She just has to trust him. "Why, have you done anything to demonstrate that you're the least bit trustworthy?" Joey asks. Oliver, no fool he, takes this to mean that Joey must have some deep-seated "trust issues." And this boy isn't in college…why? He tells her to wait for him, right where they are, and starts to head off into the darkness. "No," Joey yelps. "I'm pretty sure Freddy Krueger's second home is right around the corner." Oliver smiles and promises that he'll only be gone for two seconds. Joey heaves a bratty sigh. "I'm sorry, Jo, but you're just going to have to trust me on this one," Oliver tells her. "Fine," Joey finally says. Oliver takes off across the basement, and she discreetly trails him. Oliver goes inside a small room and talks to an older man, who looks like he's an electrician or something. The man smiles at him and follows him outside. "Okay, we're all set," Oliver tells her. "Are you ready to go?" the man asks. "Joey, this is my dad. Dad, Joey," Oliver says. Joey gives Oliver an impressed little half-smile as she shakes Mr. Oliver's hand. "What?" Oliver asks. "Nothing," Joey smirks. Cute.
Dawson and Natasha stand outside the arena. Dawson is waving around the six hundred bucks he won in the How Early Will Todd Let Us Out? pool, trying to attract the attention of a scalper. Somehow, however, instead of making a deal, he and Natasha end up making out on the top of a nearby car, attracting the attention of a policeman. When questioned, Natasha jokes that she's a hooker -- to a cop! Because apparently, she's insane! -- and he takes them down to the station. There's also some hoo-ha about how the cop thinks Dawson is a scalper, because he has all this cash. Whatever. That was mind-numbingly dull. I'd rather reread my high school geometry book than watch that scene again. Not to mention the fact that it included Heavy Beek Tongue Action and -- I'm sorry, we're at that bad mental place again, aren't we?
, we get way too much singing for a show that's not on MTV. Hell, even MTV doesn't show this much singing.
Blandy hangs around the hallways of the arena and waits for Audrey to come out of the ladies' room. When she does, he accosts her, grabbing her elbow and telling her that they need to talk. Audrey yelps that he needs to leave her alone. "It was a mistake!" she whines. Blandy wants to know why she didn't tell him she had a boyfriend. Which is a pretty fair question, I suppose. What I'd like to know, though, is when and why it was decided that Audrey was the focal point of this entire show. Note to the writers: When the fans say they like a character, it means that we like them as they are, not that you ought to take them, destroy anything that made them charming and refreshing, and then turn them into just another angsty cog in the Dawson's Creek machine. "Just leave him out of this, all right?" Audrey asks, as she and Blandy trot into yet another area of the arena. Blandy informs her that Pacey is well and truly in the middle of this. "He has nothing to do with it," Audrey reiterates. "Okay, so the reason you came home with me the other night is because you're so overwhelmingly happy with him?" Blandy asks. Can I just point out that this is an agonizingly long scene featuring two basically secondary characters? I don't care about Blandy and Audrey's relationship! I'm not invested in him at all, and I hate her!
Blandy tells Audrey that he's not trying to "mess with [her] head" or anything. He just really likes her. She's the only reason he even came to the concert. Well, other than the magical presence of No Doubt, of course, because No Doubt has a new album out, called "Rock Steady," available wherever music is sold, and anyone who even likes music even a little bit should buy it because it cured his psoriasis and increased the size of his penis and allowed him to make thousands of dollars a week working from home. "Well, then I guess that was your first mistake," Audrey tells him. "I know things are complicated, but you've got to understand that I haven't felt this way toward someone in a long time," Blandy says. "No, it's been a long time since you had sex," Audrey says. "And you're incredibly grateful because you're incredibly messed up, which should have been obvious from the second Jen met you, because generally people who are into helping other people are ten thousand times more messed up than the people they're helping." I think that's a little unfair; most people are grateful to get laid -- even if it happens regularly -- and it doesn't mean they're totally screwed up. Blandy is all, whatever. He still likes her. "You have got to stop this!" Audrey yells at him, like he's taking a red-hot poker and jabbing it through her cornea or something. I wish Audrey would include some pot in her Downward Spiral Cocktail, because at least then she'd be more mellow. Audrey tells him that she's sure he's nice and he's trying to help her out and all, but what happened between them is just how the world works: "Sometimes guys just win the lottery. That's it. It didn't mean anything." So, now Audrey's equating getting a glimpse of her nether regions with winning millions of dollars? What happened to her rapidly depleting sense of self-worth?
No Doubt? Still singing. Pacey notices that Audrey is AWOL and goes to find her.
Yeah, then there's a whole bit here that's just a ton of singing. If you want to recreate it, go turn on your radio, because this isn't Music Without Pity.
Finally, Pacey catches up with Audrey and Blandy. "What's going on?" he asks. "Is there a problem?" Audrey shakes her head and tells Pacey that she and Blandy barely know each other. "Yeah, right," Blandy snorts, which makes Pacey get all defensive, which makes Blandy tell Pacey that he needs to "take better care of [his] girlfriend," like she's a parakeet or something. Audrey pleads with Blandy to leave. "Do you really want me to leave you alone with this guy who makes you so miserable?" Blandy asks. "Yes. Now," Audrey directs him. Pacey, looking perplexed, wonders if this is all some kind of very unfunny joke. Audrey doesn't even look at him, but tells Blandy that he needs to leave and "forget about the other night." Pacey makes a "huh?" face, as Blandy asks Audrey if she really thinks she can be happier with Pacey than she obviously was with him. So Pacey decks him. They wrestle around on the ground for a while. If I were Audrey, I would just walk away. Instead, she stands there and watches them fight for about twenty minutes before uttering an anemic "you guys!"
Finally, security comes along and breaks it up. Audrey makes a face like she just lost her favorite lip gloss. I have so many complaints about that scene, and yet no energy to enumerate them. My primary complaint, however, is that the line that finally provoked Pacey to punch Blandy was so basically inoffensive. I mean, I guess you could interpret it as Blandy indicating that he's better in the sack than Pacey is, but even then, it's not like he insulted Audrey's honor, which is really the only thing that I can see Pacey getting mad enough about to start a fight over. Not to mention the fact that Pacey really doesn't have a leg to stand on here, since he would have slept with the New Orleans hooker if she hadn't mentioned that she was professional. Maybe I should just take a nap.
Inside, more singing.
Joey and Oliver watch the show from the rafters. She comments that his dad "seems nice." Oliver grins at her. "He said four words to you and he thinks your name is Josie," he tells her. But Joey doesn't mind. Oliver nods and agrees that his dad is nice: he works hard, provides for his family, is always there for them, blah. Joey tells him that this sounds "great." Oliver shrugs that the only problem is that his dad "isn't really into higher education." Which is why Oliver dropped out of college after one semester. Joey finds this perplexing, but Oliver tells her that "things have to happen to you at the exact right time in your life, or they're meaningless." He touches her hand affectionately. "Like right now, for example," he says. She smiles at him, and agrees that this moment certainly isn't meaningless. This non-meaningless moment is sponsored by Dramamine. Dramamine: For when crappy teen shows that you used to like make you want to vomit all over your own neck.
Down on the stage? More singing.
Outside, Pacey and Emma hang in the parking lot. I guess they got kicked out of the concert for fighting. "She's not your girlfriend anymore, mate! Not that it would matter if she were," Emma yells at Pacey, when Pacey wonders if she doesn't think he had the right to punch Blandy. And good for Emma. Pacey counters that Blandy took unfair advantage of Audrey. Dude, Pacey, Audrey is a grown-up. It was consensual sex. Blandy didn't even know she had a boyfriend. If Pacey wants to deck someone, it ought to be Audrey. And even that's not fair, because Pacey and Audrey were broken up! And he was making out with a whore! So cool your jets, Witter. Emma basically tells him exactly this, leaving out the bit about the whore. "This is so not Audrey," Pacey yelps. Well, that doesn't make it Blandy's fault, dude. Emma yells back at him that he's hurt and he feels guilty, and "despite all [his] protestation to the contrary," Pacey "still wants to save this girl," and that's why he's got his knickers in a knot. Pacey thinks about this and finally admits that she's right.
Elsewhere, Jen ices Blandy's face. She tells him to quit squirming. "You're lucky I'm even talking to you right now," she says. Wait, they all got kicked out? How is that possible? That wouldn't happen. Blandy and Pacey and probably Audrey would get ejected, but it's not like security would take Pacey and Blandy's tickets and go to those seats and kick out all the people sitting around them. If anything, Jen and Emma and the rest of them could just claim not to know Blandy and Pacey. I guess they could have all left in solidarity with the Misters Fisticuffs, but I find it hard to believe that they would even have known they were ejected until much after it happened. Anyway, Blandy tells Jen that this entire situation must be bringing her a great deal of satisfaction. "No, actually it's not," she spits, throwing the ice pack at his chest and informing him that he and Audrey are both adults, and she's not going to apply "some ridiculous double standard to the situation" just because her own feelings got hurt. Blandy touches his eye gingerly and apologizes. "I wish that hadn't happened," he tells her. Jen says that she knows this, and that she's finally realizing that "it probably really sucks to be him," because if his fondest desire is to hang out with Audrey, then he clearly has more issues than Newsweek. "And you know what?" she finishes. "If I decided to start helping people, I would be a hell of a lot better at it than you are." With this, she stomps away. The way Jen's gloves are hanging out of her back pocket makes it look like she has three hands. That would be cool. "week, on a very special Dawson's Creek, the summer Jen spent working on the Capeside Nuclear Reactor comes back to haunt her." Jen's third hand is sponsored by Blue Cross/Blue Shield. Blue Cross/Blue Shield: For when you start growing another limb and have to see a specialist.
Below, in the parking lot, Jack asks TGED if he doesn't mind taking Audrey home. TGED does, he says. "But my inner drama queen accepts her refusal not to come out of the bathroom until Jen and Pacey leave," he says good-naturedly. Jack really appreciates TGED's attitude, and explains that he just can't ditch Jen, especially considering how shitty things have been for her lately. TGED agrees, and they walk in silence for a moment. Jack observes that things aren't really going very well for the two of them. "Well, the hanging out has gone well, but the dating? It seems safe to say that when two gay guys go on a date and each of them goes home with a hot blonde girl? Something's definitely not working," TGED chuckles. Jack snorts. Wait, that's just rueful amusement at their bad luck, right? Not a decision not to go out again, right? Because I love Tiny Gay Elfin David and if this is it as far as he goes, I'm going to be wicked pissed and it's really not going to be pretty. And I'm talking screaming, yelling, crying, wailing, tearing of hair, gnashing of teeth, taking of hostages -- the whole nine yards.
Cut to the police department, where Todd has bailed Natasha and Dawson out of the pokey. The lovebirds skip down the stairs, Natasha laughing the whole way. Dawson can't believe she's not taking this seriously. Natasha laughs that they didn't even get arrested. It was just a warning! And this evening has been fun! And he knows it! Dawson snickers and admits that it was pretty fun. "I'm starting to think that you might be insane," he says, "but..." Natasha throws her arms around him and wonders if he's never dated an insane person before. "I have. But not in a good way," Dawson admits, and kisses her, just as Todd trudges into the shot. His hair is all standing out everywhere. "Okay, shagwits," he announces. "To the car. Let's go! Chop bloody chop! Or I'll have to throw cold water on you both." God bless him. Natasha snickers that Todd is mad. Dawson chortles that he's real mad. Todd purses his lips and turns around. "For the record, never let it be said that Todd Carr is man who's not in love with being in love," he says pointedly. "I think both my movies and my life reflect my deep and abiding commitment to getting two good-looking young people together and having a bit of fun now and again. However, as Leery bloody well knows..." he trails off and affixes Dawson with a dirty look. "You're also a man who's in love with sleep," Dawson finishes for him. Todd shoots them an irritable eyeball. "To the car!" Todd hisses. "Now!" And storms off. Henceforth, I'd like to be addressed as Mrs. Jessica Carr.
Worthington College For I Can't Think Of Anything Funny Fo Put Here. Oliver walks Joey to her door. "So, this is it," he says. "Yeah," Joey offers. "Yeah," he says. "End of the night," Oliver says. "Yeah," Joey says. My God, the romance! The Tinkly Music Of The End Of A Date With A Hot Guy Who Also Has A Normal-Sized Head plays softly in the background. Oliver holds out his hand, as if he's asking for a handshake. Joey takes it awkwardly, and he drags her to a convenient nearby window seat. Where are the rest of the people in her dorm? The hall is totally deserted. When I was in college, back in the stone ages, people stayed up all night long. I used to go to bed at, like, four in the morning. "So, you never did tell me what yours is like?" Oliver says. "My dad?" Joey asks. Oliver points out that he showed her his. Joey shrugs. "Let's just call it the opposite and leave it at that," she chirps with false cheer. "As in, not solid, not hardworking?" Oliver asks. As in a cheating, drug-dealing criminal, Joey clarifies. "Wow," Oliver says, then thinks about it and offers that Bad Dad Mike Potter must have done something right. "Since [Joey's] entombed in these hollowed [sic] halls." Joey chuckles and agrees that when her dad was around, he was pretty good with that whole Little Girl, You Can Be Anything You Want To Be thing. "I see. And what is it that you want to be, little girl?" Oliver asks. Joey grins. "I don't know. I guess I'm a work in process," she says. They gaze at each other moonily; then Oliver leans in and kisses her. He grins. She blushes and smiles back. "Good night," he says, and leaves, grinning widely to himself. "Good night," Joey says, and sits there all alone on the window seat and swings her feet back and forth and smiles to herself.
Hey, did you know that the music on tonight's episode of Dawson's Creek was provided by No Doubt? Thank God they clarified that!
This recap was sponsored by Diet Coke. Diet Coke: For when you're mere moments away from jabbing a push pin through your left eyelid so as to escape the desperate chokehold Dawson's Creek has on your life.