Props to Rae Dawn Chong. Just because. Techno music throbs. Credits scroll across the screen in Random Computer Monitor Font #775. A voice whispers things you can't hear. And what better opening shot could there be for a movie titled Gossip than an overhead pan across desks in a college library, where people are studying intently and pointedly not talking to each other? A thirty-year-old woman studies at a desk. She flips through the pages of a book, uncovering notes stuck to the pages warning her that she's late. She smiles and rushes out. Back in her room, she gussies herself all up in a vain attempt to hide the fact that she's not really the same age as traditional college students. In fact, when she teases her black hair out and puts on a red mini and stiletto heels, she looks every inch a thirty-three-year-old pop-art-museum habitue. She heads off to some pretentious underground club full of thirty-somethings posing as twenty-somethings posing as characters from Bright Lights, Big City. This film came out last year, right? Not 1987? I'm casting about for cameos by Bret Easton Ellis and Tama Janowitz here. Hey, look! Poe is performing. Shut up, Poe. The woman slinks up to the bar and joins two male friends, one of whom was responsible for the little notes in her book. Since they seem to be taking their sweet time finding ways to tell us these people's names, I'll just do it myself. The woman's name is Cathy, but everybody calls her by her last name, Jones. One male friend, who looks like a surly British music star, complete with stubble and unwashed hair, is named Travis. The friend who left her the note is Derrick, played by James "Ally McBeal's Chew Toy" Marsden. Derrick is an appropriate name for him, as he looks very, very oily. Oil Derrick can't believe that Jones still studies, because he's a spoiled rich brat and Jones isn't. Obviously not, if she can just afford to go to college now that she's thirty. Travis notices a young woman named Rebecca who he thinks is pretty, and Jones encourages him to go talk to her. She expositions that women go for artists and nice guys like Travis, contrary to Oil Derrick's typical man-slut behavior. I think women also go for men who shower and don't look like they're recovering from a three-day bender. Jones convinces Travis to go talk to Rebecca. She is polite, but standoffish. Back over with Jones and Oil Derrick, the bartender mocks Travis's lack of social graces. Oil Derrick gets an oily little gleam in his eye, then tells the bartender that Travis can't help it. He's the really the son of a famous rock star who ignored him, and he was essentially raised by hotel staff. The bartender thinks Travis's father is Mick Jagger, but Oil Derrick will neither confirm nor deny that. Travis, meanwhile, is getting shot down. He returns to the bar and asks if they want to leave. The bartender, impressed with having the son of a celebrity in the house, gives them a free round of drinks.
The night goes on, and apparently the bartender has passed the rumor along, as the other rich, spoiled club kids whisper to each other and speculate as to who Travis's daddy is. If his scarf is any indication, I'm inclined to believe it's Dr. Who. Eventually some guy wanders over and tells Jones that he'd love it if Travis would "do a set," though there was nothing in Oil Derrick's rumor that Travis was musically inclined. Guess it's that "Telephone Game" trick. Later, the three of them stumble of out of the bar laughing. Oil Derrick made up the whole story, of course. He points out that they got free drinks out of it, but Travis whines that he didn't get laid. Perhaps, instead of having your friend tell elaborate lies about you, you might consider bathing and shaving, Travis. We cut back to some room in a loft or studio apartment where Travis is vaguely fiddling with images of them on television monitors. Oh, he's one of those kinds of artists. The kind who aren't. Jones wanders in and asks him if he slept last night, which I think is a subtle way of asking him if he intends to shower. He says he had "an idea." So I'm guessing that's "no" to both. Jones tells him they're going to be late to class. She leaves the room to escape the scent of eau de Travis and -- good heavens! These guys are living in an airplane hangar! No, seriously. This loft is huge. It's got two floors, and I swear it's the size of my entire apartment building. Jones wanders up the stairs, across a time zone or two, and knocks on Oil Derrick's door to wake him up. As they're leaving, Travis tells Oil Derrick that he'll have the rent soon. Oil Derrick expositions for us that it's his apartment and he gets to make the rules and Travis doesn't have to pay rent. Well, isn't that nice? It's like being on The Real World. Actually, that loft is big enough to host a season of the show. Unfortunately, unlike Travis, Eric Bogosian must have to pay his own rent, as I see little other explanation for his appearance here as the lecturer for Mass Communications 2155: Pointless Bitching About The Sad State Of Today's Media. Our trio walks in late; Bogosian has already started his lecture. Oh, terrific -- it's a discussion of O.J. coverage. I would have turned right around and walked out to go complain to the custodian about the stench of dead horse coming from the classroom. The discussion focuses on the fact that The New York Times referenced information published in a tabloid magazine in one of its stories "without apology," and Professor Eric wants to know what to make of that. Well, was the information correct? Just because it appeared in a tabloid doesn't automatically make it untrue. Even a broken clock is accurate twice a day. But that doesn't seem to be an important part of this discussion. Rather, it's about the blending of news and entertainment and how it makes it harder to tell what's the truth anymore. He asks a student about her opinion, and she stutters for a moment, so he interrupts her and makes fun of her and suggests that she spends too much time on her hair and not enough time thinking. I would never have taken that crap from a professor when I was in college. My money shouldn't, of course, guarantee me a good grade, but it damn well better guarantee some good manners. I once shouted down a professor who tried to belittle me. And I won. I bet my alma mater is glad to be rid of me.
Oil Derrick speaks up in defense of the wronged student. Oil Derrick argues that news and gossip are the same thing and always have been. He goes off on some pointless tangent about contradictions in the Bible. He concludes, "People are people. We do what we do. And then we gossip about it." Wow, A+ for you, young man! "People are people." I think he's just stumbled across The Reflexive Property Of Sociology. People aren't rocks or trees or anything like that. People are people! That explains everything! ["Hey, if it was good enough for Depeche Mode, it's good enough for Oil Derrick." -- Sars] The trio exits post-lecture (no doubt Professor Eric ended the class early so the students could ruminate on Oil Derrick's provocative theory), and they discuss some project or paper they need to do for his class. Jones suggests that they work together. They happen to pass by Rebecca, who actually says hello to Travis and asks how he's doing. Now that he might be related to somebody famous, I guess she's willing to overlook the hygiene issues. Night falls, and the trio arrives at some other dance club. Jones sets the plot in motion by suggesting to the guys that they start a rumor and track it to see what happens and how it grows. Why the hell would their professor give a crap about that? Do you even really need to do a study on that? Are there people out there that are confused about how gossip works? Okay, so you tell somebody some secret about somebody else and then they… buy war bonds? Recycle old car batteries? Switch to Daylight Savings Time? Oh, they tell other people. Okay, I think I understand this mysterious "gossip" now. Could you explain that whole "People Are People" theory to me again? Oil Derrick ups the sexual tension by suggesting they start a rumor that Jones is sleeping with both him and Travis. Jones says nobody would believe that because Oil Derrick doesn't sleep with a girl long enough for her to move in with him. Oil Derrick flirts that he might, if Travis took weekends. He probably means that. Jones takes a picture of the Travis and Oil Derrick on the stairs. The club is another mid-eighties pop-art fantasia. Travis and Oil Derrick hang together. Some girl moves in on Oil Derrick, totally ignoring Travis and his ridiculous scarf. The girl's in Oil Derrick's class and says she was impressed with his complicated theorem on the nature of people. About them being people and all. Meanwhile, Jones is down on the street, taking pictures of club-goers for some unexplained reason. Oh, the reason why is so that she can get interrupted when a car pulls up beside her and bumps her with the car door as people get out. It's Kate "Academy Award™ Non-Winner" Hudson and Joshua "Justify My Recap" Jackson. They're playing Naomi and Beau, and they've come to the club together as a couple. The car has a driver, so obviously these two are wealthy. Jones calls Naomi's name, and as she turns to look, Jones snaps the couple's picture. Mysteriously, actress Marisa Coughlan is hanging around Jones. I think that, between this recap, the Teaching Mrs. Tinglerecap, and the Wasteland recaps, Mighty Big TV has covered nearly Marisa's entire career. Whatever vague introduction Marisa's character, Sheila, might have had didn't make it on film, so we're just thrust into a brief exchange between the two of them as Jones gripes at how snobby it is for Naomi and Beau to arrive at a club in the meat-packing district in a Towncar. Yeah, whatever. Like you reject material excess by living in Oil Derrick's gigantic, overly decorated loft, Madame Proletariat.
Inside, people continue to ignore Travis as Oil Derrick buys his lady friend a drink. Jones wanders across the dance floor to see Sheila gossiping with Naomi. Naomi wanders off after giving Jones some stink-eye. Sheila asks Jones if she's going to tell her some sort of secret that Jones has allegedly been keeping. Jones plays dumb, and Sheila says she heard that Jones has been sleeping with Professor Eric Bogosian. Jones thinks Sheila is joking, but she claims she's heard about it from somebody else. Jones wants to know who's saying this. Sheila says she promised not to tell, but glances over to another part of the bar. Jones looks over and sees Naomi there, drinking a martini and serving her another helping of stink-eye. On some other set of stairs, Oil Derrick is on the make with his new friend, but stops when he sees Naomi leading Beau by the hand over to the bar for some kissyface. Oil Derrick's lady asks him if he knows Naomi. He claims that he doesn't, causing the classmate to transform into Empress Exposition. She explains that Naomi transferred in last semester and is very rich. Beau is dating her because he's the only guy left on campus that believes she puts out, but she doesn't. Empress says she doesn't understand women who are afraid of sex as she leads Oil Derrick up the stairs to make out some more. Jones watches them from the dance floor and passes on some of the stink-eye she got from Naomi. Sheila notices this and wanders over, suggesting that Jones wants Oil Derrick, which she weakly denies. Oil Derrick has found refuge with his lady in a bathroom with red tiles and black sinks. It's all so very, very eighties. I think. It's not like I was hip enough to know back then. Or now, for that matter. It just doesn't look right, anyway. The two of them make out on the sink counter. The girl dumps some cocaine on a mirror for them to snort through a dollar bill. Actually she doesn't, but that would complete the eighties vibe, wouldn't it? He starts undressing her, but she gets woozy from all the alcohol. He helps her find her way to the toilet. As he heads back to the sink, he notices a door open a crack, and it looks out into some private room in the club with a bed and everything. Why a room designed ostensibly for private nookie is connected to one of the common bathrooms in the club is a question to be answered by The Viewer's Guide To Plot Contrivances. Naomi and Beau are in this room, making out. Beau is trying to get his hand up Naomi's dress, but she tells him to stop and pushes his hand away. Oil Derrick watches all this through the doorway. Beau lays Naomi down on the bed, but is interrupted by a cough from Oil Derrick's drunken, nameless girl in the bathroom. He investigates and finds the girl, but no sign of Oil Derrick, who is hiding in one of the stalls. Josh is looking pretty good, dressed all in black and sporting a decent hairstyle. He shuts the bathroom door as he leaves.
Back on the bed with Naomi, Beau resumes the make-out session. Naomi recites the blonde mating call: "I am so drunk." Hey, don't post angry comments. I didn't invent that joke, and she did actually say that line. Oil Derrick cracks the door open and plays Peeping Tom. We hear Naomi say, "Please, stop. Please," but we can't see what she means, and we cut away before we see whether or not Beau does as asked. Later, Beau comes sauntering down the stairs, and two skeevy guys ask him if he scored. He says a gentleman doesn't tell, which the guys take as a yes. He heads out. Meanwhile, Naomi is upstairs still, unconscious on the bed. Oil Derrick stands over her, watching her with a look that's rather, well, oily and unpleasant. We cut out to some street tunnel as the trio leaves the club. There are homeless people huddled around a burning trash barrel, as required by law in any movie scenes that take place in slum districts. Oil Derrick says he has a rumor for them to use as he tries to hail a cab. He asks Jones if she knows who Naomi is. Jones re-expositions Naomi's rich background for us, so she can add more anti-rich proletarian comments and state how much she hates her and rich people. But she adds that she likes Oil Derrick. Oil Derrick points out that he buys drinks for Jones, and Jones replies that she likes rich people who are nice to her. So Jones is a whore, then -- is that it? Despite her tirades against money, she's bought awfully easily, I'd say. A round of Manhattans? She's cheaper than most whores. In the background, an exceedingly drunk Travis is going through homeless people's belongings on the side of the tunnel. He pulls a blanket out of some trash can and takes it. Some homeless guy, who probably bathes more often than you do, is going to freeze to death tonight, you witless cretin. Put it back. Oil Derrick explains that he saw Beau and Naomi making out. Naomi blacked out, so Beau split. Jones points out that's not much in the way of gossip. Oil Derrick explains that whatever rumor they want to track will have to be made up, otherwise they won't be able to tell that it's theirs. He suggests spreading the rumor that Naomi and Beau actually did have sex. How these college-educated people, taking a class where they discuss the consequences of gossip, can fail to see how a rumor of two people having sex under the influence of alcohol can go horribly, horribly awry is beyond me. It's like their class project is to destroy two people's reputations. I don't need the creepy strings in the background music to telegraph to me that this is a bad idea. The badness of this idea is visible from Venus.
Although they were unable to hail a cab, they manage to get back to the loft with an unconscious Travis between them. While they're trying to get Travis's shoes off (you can practically see stink lines coming from the guy), Oil Derrick gives Jones a sex look, because there's no greater turn-on than undressing a drunken, stinking art poseur. Jones tells him not to even think about it. They discuss it a little bit, and Oil Derrick suggests that it "could make [their] friendship stronger." Jones has the presence of mind to burst out laughing at that horrible lie, but that doesn't dissuade him. He gives her a look, and finally she grabs his jacket, leans forward, and kisses him. They make out for a few seconds; then she pulls back, tells him she felt absolutely nothing, and leaves. Oil Derrick shouts after her that he felt something. Yeah, take a cold shower and you won't feel it anymore. The day, Travis seems to have gone all manic and is trying to calculate some sort of chart or graph or something to track the gossip. He's made up some picture that looks like a representation of the mathematical concept of sets and subsets, but done by a mental patient with finger paints. Oil Derrick lies that Travis has found a way to turn their project into art and that his chart is very good, much in the tone of voice you would use to praise a picture done by a mental patient with finger paints. Jones, though, now that she's sober, has doubts about the whole gossip plan and worries about possibly hurting innocent people. They bicker, but Oil Derrick finally convinces her to go along with it. Jones sets the ball rolling by telling Sheila the rumor at school. Then she tells a friend. And she tells two friends, and they tell two friends, and they tell two friends, and they tell two friends. We get a montage of gossip, with people skittering around at high speed and close-ups of talking lips. The story is being passed along and changing from person to person. I'm just shocked -- shocked, I tell you! -- that such things could happen in our culture. Why has it taken so long for this horrible social malady to be exposed? Why, just the other day one of my friends told me that there are people out there that deliberately consume mind-altering substances that are -- hang on to your hats -- against the law. I told her that couldn't possibly be true. But now that my eyes have been opened to this horrible concept of "gossip," I suppose I can't discount any sort of human behavior any more. People are people, after all. They do what they do. Anyway, eventually the whole rumor transforms into some nonsense about it being a giant orgy with S&M and rubber underwear and then they got on a giant flying eggplant and went to a Dave Matthews Band concert. Or whatever. You get the point. Because it's so ridiculously obvious and entirely predictable.
Jones has a proud smirk on her face as she returns to the loft to tell the guys about her success at convincing a bunch of students that virginal Naomi is a big ho. The loft is chock full of paintings and sculptures and artwork, and I want to kick these twits out and live there. The three of them giggle at their success. Techno music plays as Travis looks through Jones's negatives and scans in her picture of Naomi into a computer. He makes good use of his PhotoShop utilities and prints out giant pictures of Naomi to play with, all for "art." He attaches her head to the top of that painting of Venus on the half-shell. Oil Derrick looks over all the Naomi crap Travis has got pasted everywhere and wonders how he's going to turn it in for a project. Well, the whole loft looks like an art gallery, anyway. Why not just have an opening and invite the professor? Travis whines that Oil Derrick thinks he's a freak. Dude, you are. Derrick praises his "art." He tells Travis that he knows he's confused and has doubts, but Picasso and Van Gogh had doubts, too, and that's what made them brilliant. Ugh -- I hate that method of trying to make somebody feel better by telling him that they have traits in common with somebody famous and successful. Picasso and Van Gogh frequently had to urinate, just like Travis. Maybe that made them brilliant. Or perhaps it was because their artwork didn't involve taking photographs by somebody else and pasting them on reproductions of paintings also by somebody else. Elsewhere, two students (one of whom is the girl chastised by Professor Bogosian for thinking about her hair) are relating the gossip about Naomi as they climb some stairs in some college building. Their gossiping is cut off when they get to the top of the stairs and encounter Sheila and Naomi, who could hear what they were saying. Sheila gives the two girls a judgmental look, as if she had nothing to do with the spread of the rumor. Naomi runs off. We cut to some greasy-spoon diner that the set decorator has tried (and utterly failed) to make over as a charming little bistro. They didn't even bother to hang all the artwork. Some paintings are just resting on counters, leaning against the walls. Perhaps they blew all of their budget on the loft and had to lay off the decorator. Jones works here, and as she operates the grill, Naomi and Beau wander in and take seats at the lunch counter. Naomi tells Beau that she's heard the sex rumor from a couple of places now and wonders what he's been telling people. Beau says that he doesn't have to lie about sex, so Naomi wants him to tell him what really happened that night. This causes Josh to reach into the future and pull out some lines from Pacey's fights with Joey in season four of Dawson's Creek and complain that she can't make up her mind about whether or not she wants to have sex, which has nothing to do with any of this. Naomi asks Beau why he's so angry, and he snarks back, "Jeez, Naomi, I wonder," which is the male equivalent of "If you don't know, I'm not going to tell you," so you guys should quit complaining that women won't tell you why they're mad at you. Naomi says he didn't answer her question, and stomps out. That was a stupid argument. Why would Beau refuse to allay Naomi's concerns that they had sex when she was unconscious? It's obvious as hell where this is going, and the way Beau heightens Naomi's fears that he took advantage of her here is ridiculous and unrealistic. Despite the fact that he's upset that she's running hot and cold on the sex issue, if Beau had half a brain at all, he wouldn't be letting her even think they engaged in sexual activity if they didn't. Jones, of course, overhears all of this.
Back at the loft, Jones watches a video of some guy talking about what he's heard. He says he heard that Naomi passed out, but that Beau had sex with her anyway. Jones looks incredulous, as if it was beyond any possibility that a rumor about drunken people having sex could ever take on the connotations of rape. Travis says he heard this rumor from four different people as he pastes up a bunch of video screen-caps on the walls of the loft, because he is the lamest "artist" ever. Jones begins to look worried and asks if the word "rape" ever came up. Funny she should ask that. Elsewhere, Sheila and Naomi are talking about the events of that night. Sheila suggests the possibility that Beau had sex with Naomi when she was unconscious. Naomi thinks she'd remember, but some other random friend points out that she was drunk, and now Sheila seems to recall Beau bragging about bagging Naomi when he came downstairs to leave the club that night. That isn't exactly true, though he did let the skeevy guys draw an incorrect conclusion. So the terrible trio are having a barbecue on the roof of the loft, on some patio set that probably obscures a helicopter landing pad. The place is just that big, folks. Jones and Oil Derrick are arguing over the unexpected (to her, anyway) turn of events with the rumor. Travis thinks the rumor will change again soon and that they shouldn't worry about it. Oil Derrick leans forward, and we get a perfect shot of him for the destined-for-commercial-clip line: "It's not true. It's [sic] just words. So how bad can that be?" Is the target audience for this movie four-year-olds? Hey, filmmakers! I learned all about how it's wrong to tell lies about people from King Friday and Henrietta Pussycat on Mister Rogers' Neighborhood back when I was seven. If you're thinking about making a movie about how you should listen to your parents, they got that covered, too. Back at the school, Naomi is meeting with two police detectives, one of which is played by Andy Sipowicz's dead wife, Sharon Lawrence. Naomi tells them that Beau had sex with her when she told him to stop. Sharon asks her for more details. Naomi says she "thinks" he raped her. She admits that she had passed out, but said that Beau had bragged about it with his friends. She says that everybody knows it happened because everybody's talking about it. Sharon wants to know how they know, but Naomi cuts her off, explaining that she knows he did it. She just knows.
Jones is sitting on the steps outside some college building or another. She notes a couple of uniformed cops walking by as Sheila comes to collect her to go to some class or other. As they walk past Detective Sharon taking down some notes from student interviews, Jones asks Sheila what's going on. Sheila explains that Naomi is pressing rape charges against Beau. Jones is shocked. The two detectives interview Beau, who insists he didn't do it. Sharon brings up the rumors, and Beau says these people weren't there. He admits that he didn't tell the skeevy guys the truth, just let them come to the incorrect conclusion that he and Naomi got it on. He tells her his version of events. Beau traipses into trouble over the part where Naomi asked him to stop. Rather than saying the truth -- that she conked out after saying that -- he gives the idiot fratboy "she said no, but she meant yes" response. Beau really needs to be taking a class on communication himself. Even without the rumors, he keeps digging himself holes. He insists that he didn't rape Naomi. Back at the loft, Jones is freaking out and wants the three of them to come clean because things are spiraling out of control. The walls are covered with images of women as part of Travis's "art." I would recommend titling it "Portrait Of The Artist As A Sexually Frustrated Young Man." Travis is fascinated at the idea that somebody could be arrested on the basis of a story that's not true. Oh, great. I'm just getting a handle on this horrible "gossip" thing. Now you expect me to believe that there are people in prison who are actually innocent of the crimes that put them there? I think I'm just going to hide in my room until Christmas and wait for Santa Claus to bring me a bicycle and a Game Boy Advance. Jones is annoyed at Travis and Oil Derrick's lack of concern. Oil Derrick rationalizes keeping his mouth shut by explaining that he doesn't know for certain that Beau didn't rape Naomi, and that he didn't see everything that took place. Jones gets pissed because the whole reason they went with that rumor was because Oil Derrick said he knew it didn't happen. Jones insists that they go tell the police, but Oil Derrick greasily points out that if it turns out Beau did rape Naomi after all, then exposing their rumor could possibly result in Beau getting away with it. He argues that the police will find evidence of whether or not the rape took place, and they shouldn't worry. Then he gives Jones a glass of booze, because everybody knows alcohol keeps those proletarians in line.
Another day, another venue. Sheila and Naomi are hanging out together at some coffeehouse. Beau and some random friends are at some counter on the other side of the room. Beau sees Naomi, but his friend discourages him from saying anything. Beau ignores the guy and attempts to confront Naomi. Sheila intercedes and tells him to leave. Beau angrily shouts over her to Naomi that he didn't do anything. Sheila pushes Beau away. Then she hauls off and smacks him one. Beau's friends have to pull him back to keep him from doing who knows what. As the guys drag Beau out, Sheila shouts that everybody knows what he did. Run over a fisherman? Oh wait, that was last summer. And different WB stars. And I've really had my fill of gossip-related dramatic irony. When the point of this movie is obvious to anybody with more than ten brain cells rattling around his or her skull, it starts wearing really thin. After Beau leaves, we see that Jones was there, too, watching. Jones is freaking everywhere. Elsewhere, the two detectives are walking out of what appears to be a campus security office. They're trying to figure out what to make of all the differing stories they've been hearing. The detective who isn't Sharon Lawrence tells the detective who is Sharon Lawrence that Naomi's rich and powerful father is pressuring for some action. We're treated to a montage of Professor Eric Bogosian's incredibly pointless mass communication class, which has descended into bunch of poorly argued battle-of-the-sexes comments about the whole rape accusation, blended with the detectives striding across campus and arresting Beau. A student asks if the rape took place, why hasn't anything appeared in the paper? Professor Eric thinks that's a good question and calls on Jones to answer. She looks up as we cut briefly to Beau being led away in handcuffs, to suggest that "it's just gossip right now, isn't it?" Thanks for the attempt at more dramatic irony, folks, but since Jones knows the police are investigating and that Naomi intends to press charges, her response makes no sense. Later, Jones knocks on the door of what must be a dorm room, as I see no other plausible explanation for a hallway whose bottom half is painted green and top half is painted yellow. Somewhere, a newly unemployed set designer is crying into his rum and Coke. Apparently, this is Naomi's dorm room. Why the richest girl on campus lives in the dorms while Jones lives in an airplane hangar is totally beyond me. Jones explains who she is and that she knows Naomi from calculus class. She asks Naomi if she could come in and talk to her for a minute. Naomi's got a rather large dorm room, but given the loft the others live in, it's hard to criticize. Jones is immediately drawn to the vodka and O.J. on top of Naomi's mini-fridge. Make of that what you will. Jones asks Naomi if she's sure about what happened. Naomi starts to get pissed, thinking that Jones is a friend of Beau's. Jones says she doesn't even know him, but she knows he was arrested. Naomi is glad for the fact, and points out it's odd that Jones is here, because she thought Jones didn't like her. Jones explains about the gossip about her sleeping with Professor Bogosian, but it turns out that Naomi doesn't know anything about it. So why was Naomi giving Jones the stink-eye in that club in the first place? Jones admits that perhaps she was just too intimidated by Naomi's rich background to ever actually talk to her. But now that Naomi has given Jones booze, they can be best friends. They chat about their pasts. At some point, Jones mentions that one of her roommates is Derrick Webb. The sound of Oil Derrick's name causes Naomi to drop her drink in slow motion. Then she freaks out and asks if this is some kind of sick joke. Yes. On us. She shrieks at Jones and tells her to get out. Jones leaves, stopping in the stairwell to wonder what the hell is going on.
Back at the loft, Travis is pasting up more copies of that same bloody image. He's so lame that he can't even get the seams where the images break from page to page to line up properly. Jones confronts Oil Derrick over the fact that Naomi recognized his name. Oil Derrick says he doesn't know Naomi, but Jones points out that it turns out that they're from the same town and went to the same school. Oil Derrick responds that it was a big school and he never met her, and then tries to deflect attention by telling Jones that she's pretty when she's angry. Greaseball. Of course, all he really needs to do is mix her a martini and I'm sure she'll calm right down. In fact, he does pull out a bottle of booze while they're talking, but instead he goes for the unresolved sexual tension by taking her hand and telling her that sometimes he doesn't remember everybody who seems to remember him. Jones questions whether or not Oil Derrick is playing games with her, but he looks at her seriously and says he wouldn't lie to her. As he turns away, the black oil shimmers across his eyes. Just kidding. But he is very oily, and I can't imagine anybody believing him right now. He goes for an "I care about you" hair caress, but Jones weakly tries to pull away. He leans in for a kiss. Jones allows it, and they totally start getting all up over each other. While Travis is in another part of the loft, hearing the whole thing. No wonder he's sexually frustrated. The loft has about fifty rooms. Use one. Jones yanks off Oil Derrick's shirt, and they fall to the floor and play Find The G-Spot. "Music" that sounds like somebody attached a microphone to the side of a washing machine plays in the background. On the computer, while the sex is going on, Travis transforms the face of a woman in a painting into that of Naomi, and then continues to alter it until her face turns all red and flat and nasty. On the wall, Travis has pasted up what appears to be news reports related to the alleged rape. Some art student did that to one of my news stories in the college paper once, and it weirded me out. I'm just walking down some hallway and suddenly I'm confronted by foot-tall headlines from my work. I never figured out what was up with that. Some time later, or possibly the morning, Jones sits at a table, wearing pajamas and smoking. Oil Derrick's greasy comments about not knowing Naomi play back in her head, along with Naomi's freak-out session and something about Lisa needing braces. Not so much that last one. Jones heads out and takes a cab out to the country, because that's how the working poor travel. She arrives at some school that looks so very obviously public and could not possibly be the place where two very, very rich kids would ever have attended. Jones wanders through the school library -- as if that's open for public access or something -- and finds the yearbook section. She pulls out seven of them, because that makes sense. Apparently, not even an ACLU lawsuit could force the school to recognize a "Crazy, Greasy Liars Club," so rather than consulting the index, Jones has to flip through page by page. She finds pictures of Oil Derrick and Naomi, engaged in activities like band and basketball and all those other extracurriculars that seemed to be important back then, but turn out to have been a big waste of what little free time you had once you think back on it. Stupid baritone. Hauled that thing back and forth to school every freaking day until it became clear that nobody even cared if baritones even existed, let alone baritone players. Anyway, she flips a page and finds a picture of Naomi and Oil Derrick sitting out by a tree. They aren't K-I-S-S-I-N-G, but they're awfully close. On the , they're dancing together at some formal. The music sounds like the load in the washing machine suddenly went out of balance and is making a big racket.
Jones heads to some office to ask some administrator about Naomi and Oil Derrick, as if these people have nothing better to do or would even give out information about former students to complete strangers. But the guy's all helpful and smiley until she mentions Naomi's name. He doesn't ask if this is some sick joke, but does suddenly remember that he can't give out information about former students, and ushers Jones out of the office. Jones makes a note of some computer clerk that has watched the entire exchange. Then Jones lurks outside (as if a school would allow that) and confronts the woman when she leaves work for the day. The clerk wonders how Jones heard about the incident with Naomi, because it hasn't been talked about in a long time and never even made the local papers. Jones plays the prole card and natters on about how the rich can get away with anything. The clerk agrees and says she knows all sorts of stories about what goes on at the school. She offers the clerk a cigarette, the international sign of brotherhood for the revolution, and asks the clerk if she'll tell her what the deal is with Naomi. The clerk takes the cigarette and smiles. But don't go thinking we're going to hear the story. Because, really, I think it's much more important to see what Travis is up to right now, don't you? He's taking photographs of his "art," which is amusing, as his "art" is merely reproductions of other photos and images. He seems to derive his inspiration from Xerox, not Picasso. Jones comes stumbling in, demanding to talk to him. Travis tells her he's busy, so she gets his attention by ripping off part of his huge image of Naomi. He's not particularly perturbed, as his "art" is so easily reproduced simply by pressing Control-P. Jones storms over to Oil Derrick's bedroom and tosses open the door. Oil Derrick is reading a book in bed, and Jones imperiously declares that he raped Naomi in high school, and used her and Travis in order to rape her again. Oil Derrick doesn't even get angry at the accusation. He smiles an oily little smile and says they all could use a drink as he gets out of bed. But for once, booze won't soothe Jones. She says she talked to somebody who was there. Oil Derrick inquires who that might be; Jones explains that the clerk told her all about it. Oil Derrick points out that she was taking the word of a complete stranger who had heard something in passing. You know, that mysterious "gossip" thing. So many layers to this film.
Finally, Oil Derrick admits that he did date Naomi in school. He claims that, one night, they had finally decided to take the plunge. But then she freaked out about it. He reminds Jones that she's met Naomi and knows she's not the most stable person. Well, yeah, but Goldie Hawn is her mother. I think that might make anybody a little off-kilter. He insists that he didn't rape her, and that plenty of women would be perfectly happy to sleep with him, as if rape has anything to do with somebody's ability to get laid. Then he turns total greaseball and inquires as to whether Jones was having second thoughts, too, knowing full well that she enjoyed their sexcapades. Jones, however, having yet to partake of the drinks Oil Derrick is mixing, is still in her wary anti-rich mode as she points out that Derrick never answered her question, although actually he did insist that he didn't rape Naomi. Oil Derrick explains that Naomi suffers from poor-little-rich-girl syndrome (is that covered by the Americans With Disabilities Act?) and wanted to do something "grown up" by having sex. Then she got afraid that Daddy would find out about it, and accused him of raping her. He claims that everybody in town thinks he's a rapist, and his family gave him a trust fund and told him to bugger off. Yeah, but didn't the clerk tell Jones that hardly anybody knew about what happened and that it didn't make the paper? He admits that he came up with the sex rumor in order to hurt Naomi back. Jones points out how cruel that is, but Oil Derrick reminds her that she didn't have the best of intentions when she started the rumor either. Yes, but then Naomi made her a screwdriver and now they're BFF. Oil Derrick allows that they might have made a mistake, but they're young and in college and that's when they're supposed to make mistakes. Yeah, I'm sure that when Beau gets out of prison, he'll be thrilled to have been part of your incredibly steep learning curve into adulthood. I guess there are limits to what you can learn from the "People Are People" theorem. He gives a creepy speech about not wanting to be nice, because "nice people don't live life." He doesn't want to go through life just being nice and discovering he's a nobody when he gets old. So you're either a vindictive greaseball or a doormat? Dude, that road you're on has a middle. You don't have to drive in the gutters. He tries to give Jones a drink, but she knocks it out of his hand to shatter on the floor. Uh oh. The angry proletarian will not be calmed with liquor this time! Jones makes to leave. She asks Travis to come with her, but he declines, because Oil Derrick is the only person on earth who thinks he's an actual artist. Jones stomps out alone.
But rather than heading to the meat-packing district to collect a rag-tag band of workers, prostitutes, and street urchins to plan a revolution, complete with a rousing musical number, Jones meets with Detective Sharon Lawrence to tell her about how the rumor started. But what's this? The detective doesn't believe her. She thinks Jones has a crush on Beau, and threatens to charge her with obstruction of justice and impeding an investigation. She tells Jones that they'll just forget this conversation, but if she starts telling people she made up the rumor, then she'll get in trouble. What a pantsload. Wouldn't Jones had been interviewed already as a witness, somebody who was at the club that night and established her non-relationship with Beau then in non-suspicious circumstances? Why didn't she tell the detective about Oil Derrick's past? Why would the detective be so arbitrarily flip about some rumors, but serious about Naomi saying she just knows she was raped? Contrivance in the pursuit of irony is a huge vice. Jones leaves, only to find Oil Derrick leaning against some wall, waiting for her. He suspects that the meeting didn't go so well, and tells her that he's better at lying than Jones is at telling the truth. Well, it's not her fault all the contrivances are in your favor, is it? Later, Jones approaches Travis in some other coffeehouse or café or something and tries to convince him to join her anti-big-oil crusade. Travis will hear no smack-talk about his sole patron and tells Jones off, saying that Oil Derrick has done all sorts of things for her and that she'd be nothing without him. I know one unwashed, untalented artist who needs to learn the meaning of the psychological term "projection." Professor Bogosian is elsewhere in the coffeehouse and overhears the argument. It's amazing that there are so many different locations in this college for people to have discussions, yet they always seem to end up in the same places. The camera pans down to show us what Travis has been sketching during this argument. It's a big red herring. Oh wait, it's not. It's a gun. He's sketching a gun. The string section and a tympani get all excited over the sketch. They're the only ones. Sidebar: I thought carefully about how I should treat this movie's attempt to create other possible suspects, and whether or not I should pretend that I don't already know what happened. I decided not to bother with the pretense for several reasons. One, this movie has been out for more than a year. Either you've already seen it or you didn't care enough to, so I doubt you're reading this for the suspense. Two, they do such a horrible job setting up this subplot that I never bought it the first time I saw the movie. Three, since they did a terrible job, I can point out why it's so bad as we recap, rather then bringing up all these questions at the end. Because believe me, I remember the ending, and I've already got a wheelbarrow full of "the hell?" questions to ask, and really, you can only ask so many unanswerable questions at once before you start to take on the Socratic method of recapping.
Anyway, it seems that believing her roommate and sugar daddy is a great big rapist and liar isn't enough to cause Jones to actually move out of the airport hangar loft and give up all the free booze, because there she is, lying on the sofa, partaking of some liquid happiness. Oil Derrick comes home, and she blandly tells him to go away, as if he were some study partner reminding her that she has a term paper due the day and not somebody she thinks raped somebody. Oil Derrick sits down to her and smarms that he's sorry that she's hurt because nobody cares about the truth, and he's sorry that he's the one who ended up teaching her that. Am I the only one who remembers a couple of scenes ago when Jones indicated that she believes Derrick is a rapist? Could this be any ickier? He's not even defending himself anymore. Jones tells him not to talk to her. She's crying. Oil Derrick wipes her eyes with a cocktail napkin. Hello! Hi there! Maybe it's because I'm a guy and I don't get this, but would any woman with the brains God gave a earthworm allow this behavior from somebody she believes is a rapist? And now they're having a fucking conversation. ["I don't get it either. I'd have packed a bag and switched schools immediately after that last conversation." -- Sars] She says she doesn't care about Naomi and that she's never going to know what really happened anyway. Later, Oil Derrick approaches the all-purpose college building. I think it's been the same one for all college scenes. Beau is sitting outside. Derrick greasily asks him how jail was. Beau jumps down and punches him. They fight (tm Ace). Beau essentially beats the heck out of Oil Derrick, accusing him of being the actual rapist. Oil Derrick has red blood. Color me surprised. Oil Derrick pours on the smarm to stop Beau from kicking his ass some more. He points out that if Naomi lied about Beau raping her, then it's possible she lied about him as well. He claims they've both been victims. Beau lets his guard down, and once he's calmed, Oil Derrick grabs a nearby flowerpot and bashes Beau's head in. Beau goes down, but he's not out. Oil Derrick tells Beau that he saw them, and he knows that Beau was getting off on the fact that Naomi was asking him to stop. Then he kicks Beau again and leaves him unconscious on the ground. Oil Derrick strides up the dorm room hall to Naomi's room. She opens the door without asking who it is first -- do any of the women in this movie care about their own survival? She, of course, tries to shut the door once she sees it's Oil Derrick, but he forces his way in. She goes to her phone to call campus security. He tells her that if she does that, she'll never know what really happened that night at the club. He tries to pour on the oily smarm, but Naomi is having none of it. He explains that he saw what was going on from the bathroom. But he never gets around to explaining what actually happened, because they bicker some more. He brings up that special night with Naomi and the love and the alleged rape back when they were in school together. She tells him to leave. They bicker some more, and Oil Derrick eventually tells her that now they're even. Naomi is confused. He says that now he's ruined her life the way she ruined his. He explains that the rape story was just a rumor he helped start. Naomi looks shocked. Umm…is Oil Derrick unaware that she could just go tell this to Sharon Lawrence? She might not believe Jones, but she would most certainly believe the one who made the accusations in the first place. The two of them argue some more, and it seems as though Oil Derrick tells her that he in fact, did, rape her both times. Naomi attacks him, and they claw at each other for a little bit. Naomi scratches his face, and they tussle. She bites his hand to get him off of her. Then he takes a photo of hers, puts on his coat, and…leaves? Guh? He tells her Beau's innocent and he himself raped her and then he -- leaves? As he walks out of the building, we see Travis lurking in the shadows watching him, a neon sign reading "Red Herring" flashing overhead. These guys have made almost no effort to establish Travis as potentially dangerous. He does bad art and he drew a picture of a gun once. And a girl rejected him, but said hello to him the day.
The morning, Jones inquires about the scratches on Oil Derrick's face. He tells Jones that he admitted to Naomi that he spread the rumor about the sex between her and Beau. Then Travis wanders in with the news that Naomi is dead. She committed suicide. Dun dun DUUUUUUNNN! It's all downhill from here, folks. At this point, I was going to give the movie a C. But the plot just gets worse and worse, and who knows how low we're going to end up going. Jones feels responsible, but Oil Derrick says that you can't make somebody kill herself, and that Naomi was "weak." Anybody allergic to herring, skip this paragraph. Travis takes a picture of Naomi in a glass frame and then cracks it with a hammer. Oooh. Suspicious. Suddenly, mysteriously, his "art" has more violent connotations to it than it did earlier in the movie. You know what might have made this subplot remotely believable? If there had ever been a scene where Naomi had ever actually met Travis and expressed some sort of disgust or contempt for him. The two of them have never even talked to each other. Much later, Oil Derrick is sleeping on a chair when there's a knock on the door. It's Edward James Olmos, poor guy. But, you know, the alimony is due. He introduces himself as Detective Curtis and says he's investigating the case of Steven and Todd, the upwardly mobile gay couple who bought and decorated this very loft, but then mysteriously disappeared just before these kids showed up. Actually, no, he's investigating the death of Naomi. Oil Derrick lets him in and offers him coffee. Curtis asks Oil Derrick if he saw Naomi last night. He said he didn't. Curtis says they talked to Beau, who says he saw Derrick enter the dorm building. Derrick points out that Beau's under investigation for raping Naomi. Curtis tells him that Naomi's death might possibly be considered a homicide, and asks about the scratches and bite. Derrick claims it was from his fight with Beau, because scratching and biting are common fight tactics for big dumb jocks. Give it up, grease monkey. Curtis tells Derrick he'll get back to him, and leaves without drinking any coffee. How rude! That night, Oil Derrick sneaks into the dorm building, up to Naomi's room. There's police tape, and Detective Curtis is inside with an officer, talking on a phone. The washing machine on the soundtrack is out of balance again. People, when you wash your sheets, circle them around the central post, don't just stick them in as a great big wad. That will stop that from happening. Derrick runs into Sheila in the hallway. She gives him a look. He leaves before the cops see him.
Derrick returns to the loft, where the sounds of Jones and Travis arguing echo off the loft walls. That wasn't an exaggeration. Travis thinks they should support Oil Derrick, while Jones is afraid they could be named as accessories. They stop bickering once they see that Derrick has returned. Jones tells him that Detective Curtis approached her at the library and asked if Oil Derrick had gone to see Naomi, and she told him the truth. Oil Derrick freaks, but Jones points out that she didn't know what she was supposed to say because she didn't know what he told the detective yada yada yada this is your fault no this is your fault! Jones points out that Derrick's fingerprints will be all over Naomi's apartment, so he might as well tell the truth. Oil Derrick in turn points out that Jones actually started the rumor and he'd be more than happy to tell that to Curtis. Didn't she already tell Detective Sharon Lawrence herself? Jones stomps out. Oil Derrick asks Travis what he told the police, but they haven't interviewed Travis yet. Derrick gives Travis the photo he took from Naomi's room, and asks him to lie that she gave it to him voluntarily when he explained about the project they were working on. Yeah, I'd love to see that conversation. Travis: "We're doing a project about how we spread a rumor about you and I'm pasting up giant pictures of you all over our loft. Do you have any to spare?" Naomi: "Sure! Take this beloved photo of me from high school that I keep framed by my bed." And wouldn't telling the detective about the project give away the whole rumor thing, too? Travis is afraid that would make him a suspect, but Oil Derrick points out that he has no motive. Which is true, which makes it more mystifying that this movie is trying to convince us that he's a potential killer. Elsewhere, Jones goes to Professor Eric Bogosian's office and asks to speak with him for a moment. We cut to Bogosian's "lecture," in which he brings up the events surrounding Naomi's death. Surely this college is not accredited, is it? Does he even have a lesson plan? Apparently, Jones has convinced him to tell the whole class that Oil Derrick came up with the rumor about Naomi, and that it wasn't true. I wonder how Jones convinced Eric. Maybe they are sleeping together. Bogosian calls Oil Derrick out on his rumor. Derrick tries to pretend he doesn't know what they're talking about. Then he tries to pin it on Jones, who isn't in class, by the way. The students are all abuzz, and somebody calls him a murderer. He stands up and points out to them that they're the ones who passed around the story and are in part responsible. He's kind of correct there. The original rumor never said anything about rape. But then again, since he knew she was unconscious, he must have known it would pan out that way. He strides out of class, leaving a trail of oil behind him.
The washing machine starts acting up again as Oil Derrick strides down the hall in slow motion. Everybody's looking at him. Or is he just paranoid? And who cares? He returns to the loft to find police officers searching the house. Detective Curtis shows him a warrant and tells him that Jones and Travis are up on the roof. He runs up there to bitch at Jones. Blah blah blah people are getting hurt. He tells her to get out of the apartment. He goes back inside, and Detective Curtis approaches him with the picture of Naomi that he gave to Travis. Curtis says they found it in Oil Derrick's sock drawer. Oops. Guess Travis isn't as dumb as he looks. Of course, that might not even be possible. That's okay, because Oil Derrick has a "Plan B" -- actually, I think we're up to around G or H by now. He brings Curtis into the room with Travis's "art," which has suddenly become incredibly violent, with images of guns and bleeding women and other creepy things. He claims that Travis is obsessed with Naomi and that he thinks he was stalking her. Sorry. Still don't buy it. Actually, Curtis doesn't seem to either. Travis and Jones come in during this whole betrayal, though, and Travis bolts from the loft. Curtis tells a cop to find Travis, but points out to Oil Derrick that he's still the only one there with the motive and the opportunity. They've taken a hairbrush from his bathroom, and they're going to test his DNA to see if it matches the skin under Naomi's fingernails. He warns Oil Derrick that he's leaving a car out front, and that he shouldn't try to leave. Elsewhere, Travis is standing in the rain. Back in the loft, a pissed off Oil Derrick destroys his fancy wet bar. Jones is sitting in some café; she looks out the window and sees Travis out there on the curb (yeah, I know. At this point, who even cares how this happened?). A car pulls over, and Travis buys a gun from the car's inhabitants. Jones rushes to a pay phone and calls the loft to warn Oil Derrick. Remember this scene. It's very important. We're going to come back to this at the end, and when we do, you're going to want to slap the shit out of the writers. Oil Derrick doesn't answer the phone as he packs a suitcase and pulls out his passport. He heads up to the roof to find some way to bypass the police, as if they wouldn't be watching the fire escape or anything. But, in defiance of several laws of physics, Travis is already up there waiting for him. Jones is still running back to the loft, but Travis is already up on the roof, lying in wait. At this point, to paraphrase Marla Hendricks, if I could give this movie a G grade, I would.
Travis confronts Oil Derrick for betraying him. Oil Derrick points out that Travis screwed him over by putting the picture in his sock drawer, but Travis points out that Derrick told him to do that in order to make the police think he's the killer. Then Travis pulls the gun on him and forces him inside. Jones finally arrives on scene and tries to warn Oil Derrick about Travis's gun. Too late. Jones tries to get Travis to give her the gun, but he won't. Oil Derrick will get away with all his nastiness if Travis doesn't stop him. Jones says they don't have to be a part of it and blah blah blah. Travis turns away for a second, and Oil Derrick attacks him. They struggle and, of course, the gun goes off. They stop fighting to see that Jones has been shot. She opens her coat, and there's an artful little red smudge on her stomach. Oil Derrick freaks and tells Travis to call 911. Jones loses consciousness and seemingly dies. Travis suggests running outside to get the cops. Oil Derrick stops him because they need to get their stories straight. Oil Derrick tells them to say the truth this time, that it was an accident. Travis says he should say that Oil Derrick killed Jones. Oil Derrick promises to confess to his other crimes, as long as Travis doesn't tell the police that he killed Jones. Travis says he's going to let the cops in, and Oil Derrick suddenly starts shrieking out his confession, that he raped Naomi. Suddenly, a television monitor behind him plays his confession back, and the washing machine starts back up on the soundtrack. Then Jones comes magically back to life, stands up, and says, "Will wonders never cease. Derrick Webb tells the truth." Okay. I have to recap what happens before I go on my rant because…grr. It's just so bad. It's the worst…okay…let's continue. Detective Curtis and a cop come in from a bedroom. Professor Bogosian enters from the hallway, and Beau and totally non-dead Naomi from somewhere else on the second floor of the loft. And there's Sheila for some inexplicable reason. Beau says he's glad the plan worked as he escorts Naomi out. Naomi looks over her shoulder and asks Oil Derrick, "Who's the victim now?" I am. I'm the fucking victim. My head is about to explode. Detective Curtis is actually Naomi's dad's driver. I rewound back, and he totally wasn't Naomi's driver way back at the club, which would have been clever and therefore is not in this movie. The other cops were fake. All of this was just to get a confession out of Derrick.
Okay, I have to let it all out now before I explode. This just sucks ass on so many levels. This was written so poorly that events took place just to mislead us, events that made no sense in the context of what we learn at the conclusion. Why was Travis lurking outside the dorms when Oil Derrick went to visit Naomi that night? In order to trick us into thinking that Travis was a possible killer. Derrick didn't even see him. And since he had no actual reason to be there as part of Jones's little plot, it was pointless. Why did Jones act surprised when she saw Travis buying the gun? It was part of her plan! Why did she run to the telephone booth to call and warn Oil Derrick, when their entire plan depended on him not leaving the loft? The answer is that there was no logical reason. It was done to trick us into thinking that Jones was scared and Travis was dangerous, and that was it. And when, exactly, did Jones finally convince Travis to listen to her instead of to Oil Derrick? That's pretty important. And how, exactly, does one choreograph a fake shooting in advance when one of the people involved doesn't know it's going to take place? This is, like, the opposite of movies like Memento. When you try to put the pieces of the puzzle together, they don't fit at all. This is so stupid. I can't believe I could have ever thought I'd give it a passing grade. So everybody starts to leave for whatever reason, as if the evidence they've collected would be accepted by any court in the United States, as it involved people posing as police detectives and a confession obtained under duress. Jones points out that for once she lied better than Derrick. Oil Derrick idiotically asks what people are going to say so that we can get a good concluding sound bite. Travis responds, "It's [sic] only words. How bad can they be?" Read the script, buddy. That's how bad they can be.