You know, it's probably blasphemous to quote a martyred civil-rights leader in connection with the season finale of a crappy teen show…but you know what else? I've had cornea replacement surgery sixteen times in the last year, my stomach has more lawyers than Montgomery Burns, and my liver looks like torn mosquito netting. I've earned it, so…
FREE AT LAST, FREE AT LAST -- THANK GOD ALMIGHTY, WE ARE FREE AT LAST!
Previously on An All-Star Tribute To James Van Der Beek's Ego: Dawson and Joey discussed whether she and Pacey could become friends, and Dawson told her that it couldn't hurt to show Pacey that she cares; Pacey told Andie about the deckhand job, and said he'd have to leave "soon"; Joey gave her schmaltzy graduation speech; Pacey told Joey he couldn't "be a friend to" her now, but it's not how he wants it "to end between" them, and then he walked to a plane.
Shot of the creek; on the soundtrack, crickets chirp as a testament to the millions of viewers who tuned out after Pacey left last week. Fade to the Sanctum Dawsonorum, where Dawson "Ick Magnet" Leery and Joey "Any Prat In A Storm" Potter watch The Creature From The Dork Lagoon, Dawson's horror movie from the first season. After a Joey mannequin gets beheaded onscreen, Dawson abruptly switches off the TV and comments that the movie sucks a lot more than he remembered. Uh duh. Joey expositions, for those of us pinned beneath bombing debris during the four seasons and thus ignorant of Dawson's myriad filmic "accomplishments," that Creature From Beneath The Dweeb won the grand jury prize blah blah blah and Dawson got $2,500 out of the deal. Dawson continues in the please-correct-me-when-I-make-fun-of-myself vein by saying that he spent the prize money on Creek Daze, a "self-indulgent piece of crap," and Joey naturally corrects him by meta-ing, "Blah blah blah blah blah." Then Dawson wonders how did they "get here," saying that it seems like just yesterday that they sat there watching E.T. and "wondering what tenth grade is gonna be like," and then it's time to leave for college. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: try recapping it. Joey orders a flame-broiled flank of exposition medium rare by saying that "some of [them] are going sooner than others" -- not soon enough, hon -- and she has the whole summer to "process [her] crippling anxiety," but Dawson's set to bolt for the left coast the day after . Dawson waxes apprehensive, saying he's starting to second-guess himself on the whole summer-program thing, and that's Joey's cue to stroke his ego even more, saying that he has to "focus on the good," that not only does USC want him but they want him early, and "that's huge," like, Joey? Dawson doesn't need you, or anyone else, to tell him that he's the shit, because he already thinks it of himself, in spades, so if you can't get a backbone, stick a coat hanger down the back of your little cap-sleeved Pepto-pink t-shirt, but either way, stop lathering him up with praise. And shut up. In my dreams -- Joey keeps talking, but now it's to point out that Dawson should really start packing. Dawson tries to make a funny: "When you're in the kind of denial I'm in right now, there's just no room for packing." Clunk. Shut up, Dawson. Joey shrugs, "Okay."
A moment of silence, and we see the monster of the deep -- a.k.a. Pacey -- yanking Joey into the water; then we cut back to Joey flinching away from the screen and busying herself with her soda. Dawson asks if she's "heard from" Pacey, and Joey quickly says that "the sea creature from the deep remains incommunicado." Heh. Dawson makes "I'm sure once he's ready" noises, but Joey cuts him off, sighs heavily, and asks if Dawson ever feels "incapable of sustaining a relationship." "Sustaining"? Shut up, Joey. Dawson's "in touch with that emotion." Joey grumbles something about life lessons before saying she's learned never to get involved with a sea monster, "no matter how charming" -- it doesn't work out. Good advice, Joey. Now can we move the scene along, please? We know you broke up with Pacey; we can assume that you feel sad about it, because, well, we live in the world. Now get on with it, for the love of Mike. Dawson smugs that, "despite [their] mutual misery," he's had a "pretty decent time" chilling with Joey lately. Ohhh yeah -- nothing gets the girls like damnation with faint praise. Joey looks up, startled, and then smiles, "Me too." Dawson wishes it didn't have to end. Awkward pause. Joey observes that "everything has to come to an end." "Thank you, Sylvia Plath," Dawson cracks. And thank you, "writers," for yet another Dawson "joke" that not only falls flat but doesn't even make logical sense to begin with. Another awkward pause. "I just wish it didn't, is all," Dawson sighs. Then there's a weird edit where Joey's like "whatever" and Dawson points the remote at the TV and says, "Let's, uh…" and then there's a smash cut into the credits and a cat proceeding down a baggage ramp in its carrier. The hell?
Back from commercials, we pan past a fountain to find Dawson, Joey, Jen "Nurse" Lindley, and Jack "Mercutio" McPhee lying around on the concrete steps beside the fountain, sunning themselves and tuning up their verbal-sparring skills. But they all have spring/fall clothes on -- jeans, jackets, and heavy boots -- and it's allegedly June. Oh, right. Capeside biosphere. My mistake. Carry on. Jen wonders if they shouldn't all look for summer jobs. Joey says she already has one, and Dawson not-funnies that maybe it's just him, but the Yacht Club uniforms have gotten "sexier and sexier." Joey mock-snarls, "Bite me!" and yanks Dawson's hair playfully. Kind of a cute moment, even though it involves Dawson's hair. And, um, Dawson. Dawson says they could all get jobs at the IHOF, and the rest of them groan like "gee, thanks -- not." Jack sits up, saying that he's "got one," and asks if they'd rather work two shifts at the IHOF naked, or have sex once with Principal Derek Smalls. Apparently, they've got a running game of Would You Rather going. Heh. Anyway, Jen and Joey gag, and Jack's all "top that, suckas," and Joey asks if they'd rather do Principal Smalls, or spend freshman year with a roommate who "smells really really bad." Jen asks if Joey means the hippie-no-deodorant kind of bad, but Joey means the French-foreign-exchange-student kind of bad. Like, ha ha. Not. Besides, it's the Germans who generally smell the worst, and I speak from very painful experience. Jack: "Is he cute?" Hee hee! Jen, in a warning tone: "Jack." Jack says he's kidding. Now it's Dawson's turn, and he's got one that he calls "so brilliant it's almost perverse," and Joey cracks on him, as does Jen, warning Dawson that he shouldn't "preface [his] supposed brainstorms with the word 'brilliant,'" because it just sets him up for failure. Snerk. Also, amen. Jack is all "let the man speak," so Dawson busts out with a choice between having sex with Principal Smalls and watching Smalls have sex with Grams. Okay, Dawson? Not funny, and waaaay over the line as well. You just don't go there with your friends' family members, all right? That's, like, a rule. Everyone else just stares at Dawson, repulsed (go figure), and finally Jen groans that, first of all, Grams would never sleep with Smalls, and second of all, Dawson wins: "That's disgusting." The others agree. Dawson's all proud of leaving town as the "gross-out champion," and do I need to make the joke here? No, I didn't think so. Anyway, he's supposed to meet The Flash at the computer store, so he heads off after making plans to meet the others for the movies at seven o'clock. Joey pensively watches him go.
Computer store. Mitch "The Flash" Leery, an entire case of Jolt coursing through his veins, rapidly and overactingly extols the benefits of the laptop he plans to buy for Dawson while tapping away at the keyboard with his beefy fingers. Heh. An over-caffeinated Flash is a funny Flash. The Flash winds up the monologue by asking rhetorically, "What more could you ask for?" Dawson casts a scheming gaze over at the Apple section of the store before answering, "How about a Mac?" Um, no. How about a "thanks, Dad"? Jesus. The Flash just stares at the ingrate; Dawson smirks a line about Mac people and PC people and how "the choice defines you," and since Mac people tend to get very smug indeed, it figures that Dawson wants to become one. More arguing about the Beatles versus Elvis or some damn thing, and The Flash tries to shut Dawson down by telling him that he's done the research, and the T-21 "is by far the best buy," so that's what Dawson's getting. Dawson whines that, in that case, he'd rather not get a laptop at all, and The Flash caffeines that Dawson needs a laptop for school; Dawson says all condescendingly that he appreciates The Flash's wanting to "do this for" him, but "it's not fair" if The Flash will only do it on his own terms. It's at this point that my own father would have said something like, "Fine. Here's an abacus," and then bopped me over the head with it, hard, but The Flash settles for bellowing sarcastically that a father wants to spend thousands of dollars on his son and that's not fair, oh, fine, and Dawson's like, "I don't want it," and The Flash is like, "But you need it, so stow it," and a salesman comes up to offer his help, and The Flash tells him that they'll take the T-21, and while the salesman burbles about The Flash's "excellent choice," The Flash glares challengingly at Dawson, and Dawson flares his nostrils, and then they kiss, and The Flash says huskily, "Make love to me," bun chicka wah wah, and Dawson's all, "Did somebody order a pizza?" and tears off his XXXL shirt before hiking his tongue down -- okay, okay, sorry. Just kidding.
Jen and Jack sit amongst packed-up boxes at the Ryan Home; Jack stares glumly into the empty fridge as Jen prattles on about not leaving Grams, the "unstoppable cleaning machine," alone, blah blah blah. Grams "Bootsy Collins" Ryan enters, backstorying about "one last potluck at the ladies' auxiliary," and shoos Jack away from the stockpot he's snacking out of on the stove. More exposition about how the movers arrive at eight the morning, which means that Jen has to get cracking on packing her room up; Jack watches the banter while sticking his finger into a jar of peanut butter. Jen laughingly accuses Grams of passive-aggressively trying to get her to stay in that night instead of seeing a movie with Dawson, but adds that she'll gladly chill at home if Grams wants to. Grams tells her not to be silly, adding that it's Dawson's last night in town. Oh, come on -- he's not joining the damn Foreign Legion, people. Jen points out that it's also their last night in the house, and Grams snorts fondly that "there's no point in being sentimental about these things," and everything's packed up anyway. Jen is about to argue it further, but Grams pacifies her by saying that they'll "have tea" after Jen gets home. "You packed the kettle," Jen whispers. Grams rolls her eyes and bustles off. Jen smiles sadly.
Ingrate Inn. The Flash charges across the lawn, computer box under one arm, all raring to get the laptop set up, but Dawson spots Joey hanging out with Gale "Last Overtanned-go In Paris" Leery on the patio and runs over to her, calling her "a sight for sore eyes." No comment. The revelation that Dawson plans to go to the movies with the rest of the gang touches off an argument with The Flash over the fact that it's Dawson's last night at home and doesn't he want to spend it with the family, and I think we've all had the exact same argument with our parents the month before we went away to school, like, "You're going out again? When do we get to see you? You have packing to do, young lady!" and I felt bad, but when it came down to a choice between going over to a friend's house and drinking beer in the basement and making out with my boyfriend or, you know, staying home with the same people I'd seen every damn day for the last seventeen years, well, "staying home" never won. Until my mother threatened to ground me, anyway. So, The Flash is hurt, and Dawson is snippy and arm-flappy, and Joey looks like she'd like to disappear; Gale tries to get The Flash to drop it, but The Flash isn't having it, and he plays the "little baby sister" guilt card, to no avail, and Dawson whines, "Dad, what is going on with you?" Duh, Dawson. He's going to miss you. Why, I can't imagine, but whatever -- although it's worth saying here that it's usually moms that wig out all "don't you care about us anymore?" while the dads do more subtle stuff like following you from room to room and beaming at you sadly from doorways while you pack up your milk crates. All this by way of saying that I can sympathize with Dawson, but Dawson should try to sympathize a little bit more with The Flash, who says he can't figure out when Dawson "became so insensitive." I'd have to go with January 20, 1998, myself. Dawson gripes back that The Flash has gotten "overbearing," and The Flash laughs mirthlessly and informs Dawson that he's staying for dinner. "No!" Dawson brats. Oh, man. "No"? Do I have to tell you how my father would have responded to that? That he would have said, "You want to hear 'no,' missy? Ask me if I'll still pay your college tuition if you don't park your butt at the dinner table tonight, because THEN YOU'LL HEAR A 'NO,' I ASSURE YOU"? I thought not. Dawson whines that he's "stressed out enough" about the impending move, and he's going to the movies, and he refuses to feel guilty about letting The Flash down, so he's going to spend the evening with the three people who "mean the world to" him and he'll hang with the fam later. Okay, you know, I sympathized with Dawson until he busted out that line, and now I totally don't. Like, first of all, there's ways to put things that don't hurt other people's feelings…and then there's what Dawson inevitably says…and never the twain shall meet. It's called "tact," Dawson. Look it up. And second of all, who talks to their parents that way and lives to tell the story? Anyway, The Flash sulks, "Do what you want," and stomps inside. Aw, poor Flash. Dawson turns to Gale and says in an officiously annoyed tone, "Mom?" Gale doesn't even want to deal with the situation, or Dawson, so she just sighs at him to go and have fun, and she clomps inside. How many mothers of newborns wear flimsy slip dresses and mules? Not many, right? Just wondering. Joey tells Dawson they don't have to go, but he smugs, "Let's get outta here," and they leave. Shut up, Dawson.
The strains of faux reggae lead us into filler scenes of tropical paradise, and slowly we pan over to a boat called "Benchmark," on the deck of which Pacey "So Why Don't You Kill Me" Witter futzes with various lines. A guy with mini-dreads tells him to take a break, because he's making Mini-Dreads tired. Mini-Dreads can come take a nap on my couch if he likes, because he's cute. Pacey asks where he might find a phone, and Mini-Dreads hands over his cell phone and tells Pacey to meet him in the bar when he's done making his call. Pacey dials, lets it ring a few times, then makes a "fuck that" face and hangs up and follows Mini-Dreads.
The gang heads for the cinema. Joey and Jen walk ahead, and we get to eavesdrop on Jack and Dawson talking about LA and how it's "a galaxy far far away" (Dear "writers": You've now used that line about a dozen times, so quit it.) and Dawson's nervous but excited and blah. Jack jokingly suggests that Dawson stick around and paint houses with him again this summer -- hey, continuity! -- but Dawson suggests that he "do it with Joey" (no comment), because she'd gladly "escape from the clutches of Cruella DeValentine." Oh, all right -- heh. Jack dons a t-shirt with "SOULMATE FLUFFER" on the front and tells Dawson that Joey's really going to miss him. Dawson makes with the false modesty, saying that Joey has "plenty on her mind" what with "infiltrating the Ivy Leagues [sic]" and the "devastating break-up" and so on. Jack keeps fluffing, calling the goodbye between Dawson and Joey "a fairly colossal event." Again, he's not storming the beach at Normandy, folks, so could we dial the drama back just a few notches? Dawson wants to remain in denial; Jack's wrist starts to ache as he tells Dawson to "acknowledge the hugeness of this event," or he'll "wake up in a cold sweat" in his USC dorm room and have to add it to his "list of lifelong regrets," like, doesn't Jack have a boyfriend he can jerk off instead of having to do it to Dawson's ego? Dawson tells Jack not to sit to him at the movies: "You're bummin' me out." Jack won't let up, though, saying he knows Dawson's thought about "spending the entire summer with" Joey and oh my god Jack SHUT UP! Do you have money riding on this or something? Go mack on your boy Tobey and LEAVE IT ALONE! Dawson looks ill and admits that of course he's thought about it -- so much so that he's annoyed now because he can't stop thinking about it. But he's decided to go ahead and leave, y'all, so stop encouraging him to get tangled up with Joey, who'd have serious rebound shit going on anyway, right before they leave for separate schools! Because they suck together! And they suck separately! And they have no chemistry, except occasionally as friends! And if Joey would go for Dawson so soon after getting dumped by Pacey, he shouldn't want her anyway, because he'd just turn into a placeholder! Because Joey can't not have a boyfriend! Because she sucks! And so does this storyline! And it has for three years! So drop the chalupa! Jee! Sus! Keeeerist! Jack hangs his head all "sorry, man" as Dawson starts in with the "I fell in love with Gretchen -- see, all ye doubters, how her love hath routed the demon Joey from my soul" routine, but his giant face falls a few seconds later and betrays him as he wonders, "So why can't I stop thinking about [Joey]?" Maybe because the "writers" can't shift themselves writing a decent subplot for Jack, so he has to remind you about your soulmate every two seconds? Just a theory.
The girls are on the same topic, with Jen pressing Joey on whether she's going to miss Dawson. Joey parries with, "Aren’t you?" No joy; Jen says quietly, "Yeah, but that's different." When Joey asks how -- girl, please, now's not the time to play dumb -- Jen says that she had all of last summer to "get sick of" Dawson and all his "quirks" and "foibles" and all of the little things he does "that make you want to just throw him into the creek." Little things like "existing," say? Joey agrees that "he is rather annoying, isn't he?" Yeeeessss, "rather." She goes on to complain about how he always makes them sit through the end credits of the movie, which I can relate to, having dated an aspiring film geek for many years, but, see, Dawson never does that. He always turns off the movie before it even fades to black -- always! I've noted it a hundred times in my recaps! Oh, fuck it, who cares. More blathering about Dawson's "incessant picture-taking" and "crushing self-analysis," and Jen gets off a line about how he puts you on a pedestal and makes you the center of his universe, but by "you," she means "Joey," and Joey doesn't laugh, so Jen says in a more serious tone that if Joey asked Dawson to stay, "he would." Joey makes skeptical noises about Dawson giving up the film-making blah blah blah of a lifetime to bum around Capeside and blah blah blah; Jen doesn't think he'd see it "as such a bad trade-off." No, he probably wouldn't. Reason #185 why he's a moron. Joey asks defensively what makes Jen think that Joey wants Dawson to stay. Jen smilingly refers her to the pilot episode, in which Joey harshed on Jen's color-by-number hair. Joey cringes, does the fingers-along-the-forehead thing, and thinks Jen still hates her. Jen doesn't. Joey wonders how she's supposed to feel about having "the power to change somebody's life." I'd go with "arrogant" there, Joey. And shut up. Jen thinks all of them have the power to change one another's lives: "The question is…are you going to use it?" Yeah, the suspense is totally killing me. Oh, wait. It isn't. That's the anvil. AGAIN. The boys come up behind them, and Dawson asks what they're talking about, and Joey does the bad-lie "ummm…" thing before Jen jumps in to save her by pleading "girl talk." The gang heads inside, and we pan back to see that American Graffiti is playing. Do you get it? Well, if you don't get it, go read the plot summary at the IMDb, and then kill yourself.
Okay, I used to hate those Kodak Max ads with the redheaded little kid, but it's totally grown on me. "Soooo, how long have you guys been brothers?" Hee.
Outside the theater after the movie, The Fearsome Foursome can't decide what to do with themselves . Back-and-forth about eating or not eating, going home or staying out, Dawson has to pack, Jen's all pimping Dawson and Joey to go ahead on their own, and Jack's like, "So what did we just decide?" Heh. They decide to go home. Then they have to figure out who gets dropped off first. It's actually a pretty good scene in that it captures that reluctance to say goodbye.
Ingrate Inn. The Flash and Gale. The Flash waxes pissy about Dawson. Gale points out that The Flash is suffering from empty-nest syndrome. The Flash then gets pissy at Gale. Gale's like, "Whatever, you big baby." The Flash injects a double espresso into his left buttock.
Dawson pulls the Jeep into the driveway at the PB&B; Joey unbuckles her seatbelt, looking uncomfortable, and in the back seat, Jen and Jack exchange a look before Jack says, "Later, Joey," and Jen tells Joey to call her tomorrow, "okay?" Yeah -- call Jen. Become friends with Jen. Hang out with a girl now and then. CUT THE CORD. Joey's all "I guess this is it then" to Dawson, and Dawson offers to walk her to the door. Joey jams her hands in her pockets, of course, and says too brightly that she had a nice time, and it's comforting "seeing a movie you've seen before." Dawson agrees on both counts, and anvils that you already know how it ends. Joey says it's "going to be weird year" with the two of them on opposite coasts, and Dawson says, "Yeeeah." Awkward pause. Joey tries to lighten the mood by talking about how he'll have "celebrity sightings left and right," but Dawson doesn't think LA "works that way," although from what I hear, it's actually a pretty small town and you do see famous people all the time, but whatever -- Joey keeps blithering about how Dawson will eventually run into Spielberg, and what does he plan to say? Dawson tries to up his coolness quotient by saying that he's more in "a Soderbergh phase right now." Oh, very convincing, LL Uncool D. Not. Shut up. Dawson doesn't know what he'd say. Joey lays it on with a trowel, reminding Dawson that Spielberg shaped his "entire world view," got him through childhood traumas, "made growing up just a bit more bearable," blah blah blah we-get-it-cakes. Dawson puppy-eyes at her all "no, that's you," but says that, in that case, he'd have to say thanks. Enter the ovary as Joey puppy-eyes back at Dawson all "no, that's you" and whispers, "Doesn't quite seem like enough, does it?" Dawson, still tractor-beaming her: "No, it doesn't." Long, very awkward pause as Joey realizes that it's really goodbye. She'll see him at Thanksgiving, though, right? Well, The Flashes said something about bringing Lily out to LA, so…well, Christmas, then. "Christmas, definitely." The scene is draaaagging, but in a way, that's really real; it reminds me again of saying goodbye to my high-school friends, and of how we just couldn't quite bring ourselves to say the actual word "goodbye" and turn around and go inside, so we'd stand on each other's porches and in each other's driveways talking about nothing way after curfew so that we wouldn't have to see something end. The continuing soulmate saga is annoying, but the scene is paced well. So anyway, Dawson nods and furrows his brow sadly at Joey; she's about to start crying, but she shakes it off and wishes him luck, and they hug. Over Joey's shoulder, we see his mind racing; cut to over Dawson's shoulder, where Joey's losing it. Before it gets too soggy, she breaks away and heads inside, but turns to tell him in a tone of false cheer, "I'll see ya, Dawson." She rushes inside before he can answer, and he starts to say something, then sighs all "dammit" and turns to go.
Inside, Joey looks lost. Absently, she starts to drift back towards the door.
Outside, Dawson slumps down the front steps, then grabs a pair and heads back up the steps, but as he reaches the porch, the light goes out inside. Oooh, faked out! "See ya, Joey," he murmurs, deploying The Nostril Flare Of Lost Love, and we go to commercial.
I see that someone has finally clued Jennifer Love Hewitt in on the correction pronunciation of "cleanser." Killing her would have accomplished the same thing, of course, but I'll take what I can get.
Fade back up in front of the Ryan Home. Jack and Jen present Dawson with a cell phone as a going-away present. Dawson's like, "You didn't," and Jen says they thought he should have one in LA, and Jack cracks that it's that or a Beemer, and Dawson says they shouldn't have and it's too much, and Jack tells him to calm down because they could only afford, like, five minutes of air time. Heh. Dawson thanks them very nicely. Awkward pause. Jen tells the boys to "get it over with" and hug, so they hug all manly-style clapping each other on the back, and Jack tells him to have fun and "stay cool," which "shouldn't be too difficult," and the "writers" wisely decide to have Dawson say, "Why, 'cause I was never too cool to begin with?" and Jack's like, "You said it, not I." Hee.
Jack makes to head home -- and where does he live now, anyway? I guess we have to assume that, in the world of the show, Angry lives on, forever on business trips or parking the car or taking a nap or decomposing quietly in a third-floor closet. Anyway, it's time for the Jen/Dawson goodbye. There's a "geography is destiny" comment from Jen. There's prating from Dawson on the subject of how the -door-neighbor gig "worked out for the best," and there's reminiscing about how Grams used to terrify The Original Three, and there's a limp To Kill A Mockingbird reference, and there's yet another reference to the pilot. Awkward pause. Hug. Then Jen says, "Okay. Go. Get the hell out of here -- walk across that lawn, have a great life, and never call me again." Hee! Preach it. Dawson unfunnies about how that would confirm Jen's "worst fears about men," and Jen's like, "Yeah, except that we never slept together," and Dawson fake-smarms, "You got five minutes?" Pffft -- yeah. Ten seconds for the actual deed, and the remaining 4:50 for Jen to douche repeatedly with lye and then stab herself in the heart with a fork. But Jen says, "For you? Always." Oh, Jen. Shut up. Please? More "farewell, dear friend"-type gazing before Grams interrupts, and there's more blah-blah-ing and more hugging, and Jen heads inside, but she turns back to watch Dawson XXXL-ing across the front lawn, and she eyes Ingrate Inn wistfully before heading up to the Ryan Home porch. Oh, the flute, she longs for days gone by.
Dawson enters the kitchen to find a Mac laptop open on the kitchen table. Yeah, because the computer store stayed open until, like, ten at night so that The Flash could once again give in to his son's brattiness. Whatever. The Flash, lurking in a doorway, says that it's not the most practical choice, but it looks cool. "Cooler than the T-21?" Dawson asks softly. The Flash scoffs and comes into the kitchen, then switches gears to say that he knew he'd "be sad to see [Dawson] go," but he didn't expect not to want Dawson to go. "Son or not, Dawson," The Flash goes on, struggling to smile when he would clearly prefer to bawl, "you are one of my favorite people." Aw. The Flash obviously needs to get out more, but -- sniff! I know, I know, but when dads get emotional and dork out as a result, it gets to me. Dawson swallows the lump in his throat, and they hug. Then The Flash asks if he's covered everything, and they have unfunny banter about condoms and doing drugs and whatnot, and The Flash makes Dawson swear he won't join a frat, and Dawson promises. Hee. The Flash sits down and gets all in Dawson's business about saying goodbye to Joey and "what it was like." Dawson bitters that he had too many expectations of it, and calls the moment "totally, completely underwhelming." The Flash makes a big point of dispensing one last piece of fatherly advice to Dawson "before [he leaves] the nest," and booms dramatically, "It ain't over…till it's over." Dude, tell me about it. Oh, you meant their relationship. Sorry. Dawson's like, "That's it?" The Flash: "It was all I could think of." "Major demerits, Dad," Dawson cracks. Oh, give him a break -- although I think my dad's parting words of wisdom involved avoiding any dining-hall entrée with "surprise" in the name, which served me well in my four years at college, but then, my dad has good writers. Anyway, The Flash giggles. So does Dawson.
Tea and sympathy at the Ryan Home. Jen talks about how she used to think her mother sent her to Grams's house to punish her, but she doesn't think that anymore; she thinks her mother really loved it there, because she'd find any excuse to bring Jen up to Capeside. "Those were good times," Grams muses, pouring tea, "but sad, for her." Jen asks why, and Grams observes that some people spend their lives "chasing the happiness they had in high school." She adds acidly, "Thank goodness that won't happen to you." Heh. Jen's like, "Huh?" and Grams makes fun of the gang for "carrying on" and getting "so dour and depressed about everything -- things can only get better from here." Tee hee! Jen laughs. There's a knock at the door; it's Jack, who got halfway home and decided he didn't want to leave Jen and Grams alone on their last night. Grams chuckles, "Another sentimentalist," and hands Jack the cookie jar. Jack, triumphantly: "Yes!" Aw. More packing-related banter before Jen asks if Grams really isn't sad to leave the house. She's not; she finds it "rather exhilarating," and says that the three of them "are about to embark on a greeeeat adventure." Jen smiles, then asks if she and Gramps always lived in the house, and Grams reminisces about how they lived with Gramps's parents for a while ("I would not recommend that" -- ha ha!), and about their first apartment, and how they used to sleep up on the roof in the hot weather, and they'd look at the stars and the lights from the summer houses and listen to the music from the parties, and they liked the summer houses so much that they decided to buy one and live in it happily ever after. Aw.
Dawson answers the phone to find Pacey on the other end. Pacey's in "paradise, man, paradise," blah blah blah, he's working hard but it keeps his mind off of "stuff." Awkward pause. Pacey asks, "How is she?" Dawson says gently that Joey's "doing the same thing" as Pacey, "keepin' busy," and she doesn't say much, but Dawson knows that she thinks about Pacey a lot and that she'd appreciate a call. Pacey can't go there yet. Dawson understands, and offers to say something to Joey if Pacey wants, but Pacey would rather he didn't, and that's not why he called, anyway. Dawson looks puzzled; Pacey explains that, of everyone in Capeside, it's Dawson he regrets not saying goodbye to, because for a long time, he only cared about being Dawson's best friend. Oh, now, that's just way beyond. He could call to say goodbye, fine, but we've never seen any evidence that Pacey considered Dawson a top-notch best friend, or that Dawson has ever acted like even a mediocre friend to Pacey for so much as five minutes, and I really resent the "writers" constantly forcing their best-friendship down our throats when they haven't shown it to us, ever. Anyway, Pacey sums up by saying that, in spite of everything that's happened, he still thinks about "the way things were." Dawson smiles, gratified, and makes a joke about "two dorks" wondering if they'd ever get girlfriends, and Pacey smirks, "Well, speak for yourself, huh?" Heh. Nice one. Dawson says he's glad Pacey called, because he didn't get a chance to tell Pacey something that he really wanted to: "I'm proud of you, Pacey." Yeah, yeah, it sounds condescending, but it's actually kind of nice. For Dawson, anyway. Pacey smiles in spite of himself, and thanks Dawson. Dawson wishes him luck "out there," and Pacey says "you too," and they hang up as The Piano Of Resolved Issues comes in on the soundtrack.
I want to see A.I., but only because I have a big old crush on Sam Robards and I can't seem to shake it. I know it's wrong. Help me.
Oh, brother. Here we go. Dawson is staring at his still-empty suitcase. In the background, an ovary is singing "Daydream Believer." Shut up, ovary. Dawson tries to pack, but can't focus, so he finally rolls his eyes at himself and grabs his coat. As he comes out the front door and down the lawn, he finds Joey at the foot of the hill. He asks what she's doing there, and she yammers on about having to help him pack or else he'd go to LA with just the clothes he has on, and then he'd start to smell. "My hygiene thanks you for your concern," Dawson smirks, and Joey asks where he's headed; he admits, "The Potter B&B." Joey smiles, "What was your excuse gonna be?" "I was gonna work the whole 'I haven't said goodbye to Bessie or Bodie yet' angle." Hee! Joey speaks for me, grinning, "Ah. Not bad." Dawson invites her up to the Sanctum.
Cut to the Sanctum, where the last chords of E.T. swell and Joey wipes her eyes. Dawson: "I caught that." Joey, busted, grumps, "Sue me." It's her favorite movie, apparently, and then the writers name-check the pilot again by having Joey ask if it won the Oscar, and Dawson's all, "It's Gandhi, for the thousandth time." Yeah, we get it. They've known each other forever. No, really, we get it. There's no need to -- no, WE GET IT. Okay? Hello? Dawson swings an overstuffed suitcase onto the bed, and Joey tells him that he's "worse than a girl," and Dawson grumps, "Thaaaat's good -- emasculate me. It's only the last time you're ever gonna see me. Well, for Christmas, I suppose." I would make a joke about the emasculation here, but I've got so many to choose from that I can't pick just one, so y'all can just take the phrase "one neutered chipmunk, coming right up" and Mad-Lib it from there. Non-humorous "joking" about bimbos and beer bongs follows. Joey wishes they could "just fast-forward four years and see how it all ends up." Dawson already knows; Worthington will turn Joey into a "pedigreed professional," while he'll "be working the graveyard shift over at Kinko's -- come by and say hi." Heh. You know, the writers should have skipped all the quiet-hero/wunderkind bullshit and just written Dawson as a dork from the get-go; it would have made the character much more appealing. Now, it just comes off as fake, because Dawson has acted so appallingly self-satisfied and assy in the past.
Anyway, they both flop back on the bed, and Joey says in a worried tone that she knows they "always joke about this," but she feels like she's never going to see him again. "That's crazy talk, Jo," Dawson says with a hint of impatience, and Joey says she knows, and she'll see him at the holidays, but he'll "be different." "I will?" He'll have a tan, for one thing, and he'll also have an "incredibly pretty" girlfriend whom Joey will hate on sight, and "deep down" she'll know that the girlfriend is as great as Dawson says, just because he likes her. Oh, yuck. Shut up, Joey. Dawson can see that she's given it some thought, and she smirks that he can't keep it a secret forever. Keep what a secret? "How incredible you are." Oh. My. God. Shut. Up. Joey. They gaze at each other for a moment, but Joey wimps out and sits up, and they start playing Answer Fast. Dawson's favorite movie is Jaws. Joey's favorite song is "Daydream Believer." Sars's favorite phrase is "shut up, Joey." Dawson's most embarrassing moment is getting caught making out with Eve; Joey snorts that that "did wonders for [his] street cred." No, it most certainly did not, and shut UP, Joey! Dawson turns it back around on her, and she says it's when she offered herself to him and he turned her down flat. Dawson gets the save by asking if they can introduce "an all-time biggest regret category," because that's his. Heh. Joey's "would be…lying to [Dawson] about sleeping with Pacey." Shut up, Joey. Shut up now. Shut up a lot. Dawson starts spluttering with laughter, and Joey's all, "Not funny, asshole," but Dawson hitches forward to sit to her and starts going on about how he's the only one who hasn't done the do, and he "didn't plan on graduating a virgin -- what -- what happened?" Well, gee -- you consistently look, and act, like a titanic anus. Does that answer your question, Big Head Tard? Joey tries to jolly him out of it, and there's more ooky talk about "the last American virgin" which I refuse to transcribe because it's irrelevant and nauseating. Awkward pause. Dawson asks about Joey's all-time most life-altering moment. She does not choose the death of her mother, or either of her father's imprisonments, or having sex, or getting into college, or any other logical thing. No, she does not. She chooses kissing Dawson. OF COURSE. Because "it changed everything." Dawson smiles, remembering, as Joey muses, "It's a pretty powerful thing when you get your biggest wish in one moment." Especially when that wish is totally inexplicable, and sucky.
Joey can feel herself starting to cry again, so she quickly changes the subject to the Turn Away, My Shite poster on Dawson's wall, which he has to pack. He gets up to take it down, and Joey thinks for a long moment, accompanied by The Flute Of Impending Reunion, before getting up and telling him hesitantly that she wants him to stay. Dawson turns around, frowning: "What?" Joey repeats it, adding, "There, I said it." Dawson pulls a really funny face and grumbles, "You don't think you could have maybe said something before I packed?" Hee! Joey then tells him to forget she said it, and Dawson is quite rightly like, "Nice try, but how can I forget that?" and Joey says that she doesn't really expect him to stay; she just wanted him to know that she wanted him to, and had thought about it, and she'd considered just keeping her mouth shut, but that's not her, blah blah blah "Merchant-Ivory movie" blah blah blah "suffer in silence" blah blah blah "impressed by their restraint" blah blah blah blah BLAH. Finally she winds it up: "Sorry, but screw that." Dawson's nostrils flare a little, and he stares at the floor. Joey quavers through the promo, namely that her best friend is leaving the day and a big part of her wants him to stay. "So I hope you don't hate me," she adds lamely. He could never hate her, "and not for lack of trying, either." Wow, he's getting some good lines tonight. I guess the Beek's agent stormed the writers' room with an Uzi. Joey heaves a sigh and sits down, talking about the "one big soap opera" of the last couple of years, and she wouldn't take any of it back, but she's glad it's over. As she talks, Dawson's face is working, as though he can't decide what to do. Joey says she likes "the way things are now," and it's part of the cruel joke of her life -- oh, woe is Poor Little Joey Potter From The Wrong Side Of The Creek -- that "now that things are so nice -- [he's] leaving." Dawson is still trying to figure out a plan, and he comes to sit in front of her and tells her that he'd stay if he thought "for one second it was the right thing to do." Joey's face crumples. Dawson says that he has to go; he has to "get out of this room" (word), and she has to figure out who she is "without [them]." Tears roll down Joey's face. "This chapter's over, Jo. I can feel it." She nods sadly, then abruptly asks if he believes in magic. When he looks confused, she explains that she never used to believe in magic, what with her mother's death and her father's drug deals and so on, and she'd hope for magic but it would never come, and the magic with Pacey ran out, but then there's Dawson: "There's proof that someone out there is thinking of me -- my friend who is with me always." Crappy writing, but Katie almost sells it. Dawson looks stricken as Joey finishes, "It's pure magic." Well, it's "pure" something. Something like…"horseshit." Joey sighs and says that it's just "a long-winded way" of telling him she'll miss him. Staring at her like she's water in the desert, Dawson says he'll miss her too. Joey's face collapses, but she fights it, sniffling that it's getting late, so she should get going.
She gets up and puts on her jean jacket, going for the gallows humor by saying she misses the ladder, which would let her "make a classy exit, you know? Disappear out the window, into the night?" Dawson gets up too and goes to stand by her at the window. Ohhhhhh no. "A lot more cinematic," Dawson grunts. Cue "Daydream Bel-ovary" again. Joey struggles to maintain her composure, and Dawson faces her and sighs, "Wow. I guess this is, uh…this is really it, huh?" Joey presses her lips together and leans in to hug him, whispering, "See ya, Dawson." Over her shoulder, Dawson thinks frantically again, then manages to force out, "I'll see ya, Joey." Cut to over Dawson's shoulder, where Joey is still fighting the tears, and losing; she asks, valiantly trying to keep it light, "So what was yours, by the way?" Cut back to over Joey's shoulder, where Dawson has his eyes screwed closed, trying to lock in the moment: "What was my what?" Joey pulls away: "Your all-time most life-altering moment." Dawson stares at her, dumbfounded, before saying intensely, "For all I know it could be this one right now. Saying goodbye to you," and the Beek actually gets a catch into his voice on that line. Nice job. Joey's lip twitches as the tears start coming again. Cut to a longer shot of them sloooooowly moving towards each other, then back in on a tighter shot as we go to slo-mo and they both close their eyes, and then even closer in for the kiss itself, which looks like just about the worst kiss in the history of television. Seriously. I think I saw a string of drool. But they keep kissing 'cause it's in the script, and we go to an outside shot of their silhouettes against the curtain, kissing, and then a longer shot through the trees as they keep right on kissing, despite the fact that it's pretty much the worst idea the writers have ever had, and that Joey practically just broke up with Pacey, and that Dawson is a cat's behind, but I don't have to deal with the repercussions until September, so -- kiss away, kids. Sars has left the building.