Way back in 1999, I was offered the chance to recap a new show for MBTV. The show? Manchester Prep, the TV spin-off of a movie (Cruel Intentions), which was a remake of another movie (Dangerous Liaisons), which was adapted from the play of the same name, which was based on a book (Les Liaisons Dangereuses). You know how, if you make a photocopy of a photocopy of a photocopy, the quality deteriorates a bit? Well, you see where I'm going with that. Alas, Fox decided against airing this extremely promising show. Maybe it was the piece on Entertainment Tonight mentioning that watchdog groups were already protesting the racy storylines. Wait, no. That's free publicity. So I guess we're forced to conclude that the show was too awful... for Fox. Boggles the mind, doesn't it? Anyway, it seems that they padded out the pilot with some additional footage, and a mere two years later the pilot has been released as the straight-to-video (and DVD!) classic, Cruel Intentions 2. Adding to the confusion is the fact that this is, technically, a prequel. So it features many of the characters from Cruel Intentions, played by different actors, but takes place before that movie, for rather obvious reason. I'd still recommend reading Key Grip's recap of the first movie, because it's funny and more importantly, reading it will allow you to determine that this movie is, yes, even worse by comparison. Much, much worse. Ooo, previews. You know, usually you can tell a lot about a movie from the previews that precede it. Comedies have previews for other comedies, horror movies have previews for the sequels, movies based on Saturday Night Live skits have commercials for suicide hotlines, etc. So what can we make of the fact that Cruel Intentions 2 has trailers for Final Fantasy, Snatch, Dolph Lundgren in Agent Red, something called Circus, and Just Looking, a nostalgic tale of inappropriate sexual attachment. Oh, wait, and also an ad for the special edition of the Dogma DVD. What does this assortment tell us? That they figured someone who'd rent Cruel Intentions 2 might rent almost anything. And they're not wrong; I rented this along with Cherry Falls and Dungeons & Dragons, which puts me squarely in the "masochistic" demographic. Okay, I guess I can't avoid it any longer; let's start the movie. We open with Sebastian Valmont listening to a lecture from the principal of his crummy school, which is neither Manchesterian nor preppy. This time, Sebastian is played by Robin Dunne, a.k.a. A.J. Moller. He's no Ryan Phillippe, and I don't like Ryan Phillippe. At least Phillippe looked good in black turtlenecks, though. I'm not sure what it would take for Dunne to look appealing. Applying hedge trimmers to those eyebrows might be a step in the right direction. ["And not having rodents for parents." -- Sars] I can never come up with good nicknames, and I'm not saying this is an exception to that rule, but "Subassdunne" is really too obvious to pass up. Okay, so Subassdunne is a troublemaker, but since his mom's now in rehab, he's about to move in with his dad and go to a new school, which is his big chance to get a fresh start. The patronizing principal lectures him about changing his ways. Subassdunne claims to have reformed. This is almost exactly the same scene that the first movie opened with, only this time with a principal instead of a therapist. Exit Subassdunne, insert the principal's discovery of one final prank (last time it was the daughter's nude photo online, this time it's the wife's nude photo in the yearbook), and pour me a glass of whatever you're drinking.
Travel-to-New-York montage and credits. Actually, that should be "credit." The title. Richard Kumble, who both wrote and directed this marvel, seems to be suffering from an attack of modesty for some reason. Subassdunne is escorted to the palatial downtown home of his father and step-family. Establishment of background: Subassdunne's mom is in rehab, which is why he's moving to NYC to live with Papa Valmont and his new stepmother. Subassdunne meets Mama Merteuil for the first time. She's got a cat in her lap. Yes, they really are setting up some "nice pussy" un-nuendo. , time for introductions to Kathryn, the evil stepsister. Kathryn was played by Sarah Michelle Gellar in what I suppose I must refer to as the "original." Here, she is portrayed by Amy Adams, who you'll all remember from...uh, well, apparently she played "Beth" in "Family." Now you remember her, right? Me neither. She and Subassdunne don't hit it off very well. Kathryn plays the piano, and then Subassdunne plays it better. Nothing happens for a while, except that we establish that Subassdunne is a jerk. At dinner, we establish that Kathryn is the student-body president even though she's a sophomore. Because that's how popular she is, you see. She's also rumored to be smart, so she's embarrassed when Subassdunne corrects her vocabulary. Unable to enjoy dinner because he's already full of himself, Subassdunne leaves. Papa Valmont follows and yells at him while Mama Merteuil privately taunts Kathryn for being less of an asshole than her stepbrother. Because the whole family is evil, you see. Oh, except then we see Subassdunne on the phone with his mom, promising that he'll take care of her. I guess maybe his mom isn't evil. Just high. But I can understand what might have driven her to that. Subassdunne showers, in a scene that no one needed to see. There are a lot of bare breasts in this movie, but most them are his. Kathryn stomps in because she can't think of any better place for a confrontation, and tells Subassdunne that he shouldn't "threaten [her] cushy lifestyle." How is he threatening her? Is there only room for three jerks in the family? Then she admires his penis, flushes the toilet so that he's doused in hot water, and leaves. Remember when that we saw that same scene on Married with Children? Subassdunne and Kathryn, dressed in their school uniforms, take the limo to school. Why did I mention the uniforms? Well, because one of the messages of this movie is that teenage girls in school uniforms are sexy. In fact, that might be the only message of this movie. Being new to the school, Subassdunne has to meet with the Headmaster. While waiting outside the office, he talks up a teenage girl in a school uniform, who will eventually be identified as Danielle. She's played by Sarah Thompson, who you may know as Dana "Jailbait" Poole. Subassdunne starts a conversation by telling Danielle that she's beautiful, and she responds, "What did you mean by that remark?" What an odd way to respond. Maybe it would have made sense if he'd sounded sarcastic, but he didn't. At this point, I conclude that the script was written by aliens. Which explains how they found so many robots to use in the cast. Subassdunne talks to the headmaster, Danielle enters, and, much to no one's surprise, she turns out to be the headmaster's daughter.
Kathryn gives her welcoming speech to the school. A klutzy blonde girl gets the hiccups, and chokes on her gum, causing a scene. Danielle performs the Heimlich maneuver, causing the class to give her a round of applause. And causing the klutz to spit her gum into Kathryn's hair. Why did this scene exist? I think it was so that Kathryn would bear a grudge against the klutzy girl. "She upstaged my speech and spat gum in my hair! I will destroy her!" The Scream movies had better motives than this. In English, a testy teacher writes "Jekyll" and "Hyde" on the chalkboard and then asks for someone to tell him "what this means." What what means? I don't know. The teacher makes fun of a student who tries to answer the vaguer than vague question, and then asks what the themes of the story are. Danielle blathers about the duality of man. Subassdunne interrupts to insist that "Jekyll loved Hyde so much that he protected him from the world." The two argue for about five seconds before the teacher interrupts and then asks, "Am I losing my mind or did we just witness an intellectual debate in this classroom?" If he was that thrilled by it, why'd he interrupt? And this is what passes for intellectual debate in an elite prep school? Wait, this is where all the Bush kids went to school, isn't it? That explains so much. Mueller, the assistant headmaster, is chased down by Kathryn. Kathryn's crabby because she has gym class. Since she seduced Mueller over the summer, now he has to get her out of gym, or she'll tell everyone that he molested her. Mueller gives in. This movie is giving me the creeps. Once again we learn the important lesson: teenage girls in school uniforms are sexy. We watch Kathryn walk down a hall, climb some stairs, climb some more stairs, and finally reach the attic. Are there shots of her taken from below, which allow you to see scandalously far up her pleated miniskirt from below? Why, yes! Two of them! Charming. She finally reaches the attic or something, where a secret meeting of the "Manchester Tribunal" is taking place. The who in the what now? Well, apparently the idea was that two malicious, reprehensible characters doing nasty things to innocent secondary characters wasn't enough content for a whole show. So they created a group of malicious, reprehensible characters. I love trying to figure out how this would work as a series. Would Subassdunne and Kathryn have to team up against other Machiavellettes? Or would it just be different people doing different horrible things every week? It is worth noting that, if there are over a dozen students who take part in Kathryn's plots, or at least encourage them, it's strange how shocked everyone is when they discover that she's not so sweet after all at the end of Cruel Intentions. Fine, the Tribunal. Live Sociopaths' Society. Whatever. Can I just mention that there's a chandelier? In the attic? The meeting is called to order by a guy with bushy 70s hair. Kathryn makes another speech, in which she promises "to weed out the geeks, losers, and underprivileged, and toss their fat asses out of our school." Round of applause.
Meanwhile, Danielle is hard at work at a bookstore, cleverly named "Great Books." It's run by a kindly old lady, of course. Danielle shelves some books and pauses to look at an illustrated copy of The Kama Sutra. I think I remember this scene from Bram Stoker's Dracula. Subassdunne interrupts her perusal of the naughty pictures and invites her out for coffee. The Tribunal views slides of various new students and votes on who should be tortured. Actually, now that I think about it, this might be what really happens in most schools. Except for the slides. They took the time to develop slides? The guy with 70s hair, who I'm going to call Chad from now on, because he just looks like a Chad, reads biographical notes about the kids in question. One boy is given a probationary period because his dad owns the Coliseum, and Kathryn wants tickets to a Hole concert. Is she gonna take her chauffeured limo to the Hole concert? That's an episode I'd like to see. Subassdunne's picture pops up, but Chad doesn't have any information on him. Another Machiavellette asks what Kathryn knows about her step-brother, but Kathryn just says that Subassdunne is a loser, and orders Chad to find out more about him. Kathryn lives with him. You'd think she'd be in the best position to investigate. No one points this out. , a picture of the blonde klutz, who is now identified as Cherie. Pronounced "Cherry." So. Very. Subtle. Hey, here name is sort of similar to "Cecile." Do you think that's significant? Cherie's family is richer than the Merteuils are. Or the Valmonts. However they refer to themselves. Point is, Cherie has more money than Kathryn. Why does this matter? Dunno, but apparently it sticks in Kathryn's craw. Chad reports that Cherie is a virgin and has never kissed a boy. Chad is quite a detective. Kathryn declares the Cherie is "a walking Teletubby, just begging to be made an example of." "A walking Teletubby"? First, I'm not sure what that is meant to imply -- she has a television set in her stomach? But skipping that -- don't the actual Teletubbies walk? So...huh? Kathryn swears that she'll turn Cherie into a slut. It's unclear how this constitutes revenge in any way, even if I understood what she was trying to get revenge for. But the Machiavellettes applaud anyway. I can see why they'd suck up to Kathryn, because if they piss her off, she might devote all of her energy to getting them laid. Then there's some business about how the chef won't make sushi for them. Uh oh, guess they'd better trick someone into having sex with the chef. That'll learn him.
As they walk down the street with cups of coffee-flavored beverage, Danielle tells Subassdunne that she's (relatively) poor, and she goes to Manchester because her dad's the headmaster. She mentions that her mother is dead, and Subassdunne is sympathetic for about three seconds before going on at great length about his family and how his dad is now on his fourth marriage. The whining session finally ends when Kathryn pulls up to them in a limo. She says she's been looking for Subassdunne, snipes at Danielle, and then rolls up the window. Without actually explaining why she was looking for Subassdunne. I guess Subassdunne understands, even if I don't, so he says goodbye to Danielle and hops in the limo for a ride home. This is exactly what happened to me at the MBTV Fourth of July party. Pamie and Ragdoll were cooking up more burgers (having declared themselves the "Grill-more Girls") and I was talking to Aaron about which of his shows has the higher body count when this limo rolls up to us. Naturally, I assumed it was Gustave until the window went down and I saw Jessica inside. She said something about a "shout-out," Aaron hopped in, and they drove away. Weird. As they head home in the car, Kathryn phones Cherie and assures her that there are no hard feelings regarding the gum. In fact, she'd like to take Cherie to a "school event." When you're trying to trick someone, you should be a little more specific about the details. Just a little tip. Subassdunne protests this deviousness for some reason, Kathryn threatens him and outs Danielle as a virgin (the horror!), Subassdunne growls back and finally declares, "I'm better at this than you." Which is a line from the play, although it's the Marquise's line. See, Subassdunne's better at the piano, vocabulary words, and now he's also better at...at...at whatever the hell they're doing. Arranging for other people to have sex? I'm not sure. They glare at each other a bit more and we end the scene. At home, Subassdunne bonds with the help. Maybe this was actually intended as the prequel to Arthur. The staff consists of a variety of delightful ethnic stereotypes. Stuffy British butler, murderous German cook, and so on. Nothing happens. End scene. Subassdunne finds Papa Valmont on the phone, talking with his latest mistress. Upon noticing Subassdunne, Papa Valmont claims he was talking to his accountant. Subassdunne says, "A word of advice: you've got a pretty good thing going here, and I wouldn't screw it up if I were you." Papa Valmont says he enjoys their "father-son chats," and adds that Subassdunne is a role model. That reads as if it was sarcastic, but the actor plays it sincerely. I think. It's sorta hard to tell when every emotion is conveyed with the exact same lack of affect.
Kathryn and Cherie go clubbing. After some more T&A shots, we pan over to the girls, who are chatting. Cherie starts a second drink, and mentions that it "doesn't taste like iced tea." Kathryn explains that it's from Long Island. Hey! I suspect that it isn't iced tea at all, and Kathryn is deliberately getting Cherie drunk! Gosh, Kathryn is every bit as devious as the average frat boy. Wait for her evil plot, which involves pretending that a car has run out of gas. Kathryn turns and gives the eye to a guy on the dance floor, and he immediately abandons his dance partner and hurries over. The guy is introduced to Cherie as "Court." In the first movie, Court is the guy who had rejected Kathryn for Cecile, which set the whole plot in motion. So is this before Kathryn liked him? It's kind of like continuity, except that it actually makes things more confusing. Cherie burps in Court's face. Kathryn suggests visiting the bathroom. Cherie says she doesn't have to go, whereupon Kathryn says, "I do," and pinches Cherie on the arm. Then Kathryn asks, "Want some more?" Cherie doesn't, so away they go to the bathroom. To review: Kathryn is devious and subtle; she overwhelms her victims by getting them drunk and pinching them into obedience. In the bathroom, Kathryn's all best friends again, and claims that Court likes Cherie. Cherie asks for advice, and Kathryn says, "You're gonna have to let him fuck you." I'm sorry to keep complaining about this, but -- that's the whole plan for turning Cherie into a slut? Suggesting it? Cherie isn't opposed to the idea, but she is nervous since she's never even "been to first base." Has anyone born after 1960 actually used the baseball metaphor? Kathryn offers to help Cherie round the bases, if you know what I mean. They reappear back on the dance floor...or, actually, a little to the left of the actual dance floor, but within spitting distance of it. I strive for accuracy. Once again, let us recall that in the first movie, Kathryn gave Cecile firsthand instruction in how to kiss. Here's the parallel scene in this movie. This time, to teach Cherie how to kiss, Kathryn instructs her...by supervising as Court kisses Cherie. What a let-down. The first kiss goes well, so Kathryn starts talking about tongues, and then Cherie leans in close and pukes on Court's shoes. Court stomps off. Maybe this is why he lost interest in Kathryn. Cherie sobs on Kathryn's shoulder, and Kathryn offers an insincere "There, there." That is such an odd thing to say when you're consoling someone, isn't it? "There, there." What the hell is it supposed to mean? Maybe it's to confuse the person and distract them from whatever's upset them.
Danielle's at home when her phone rings. She picks it up and hears Subassdunne say, "I told you not to underestimate me." Which seems like it would be a scary thing to hear when you first answer the phone, but she just says, "You're unbelievable." He did tell her that earlier, by the way. I didn't mention it because it was boring. It's still boring now, but I feel obliged to at least mention that this scene happened. And that's all that happens in it. I'm not sure what he did that's so unbelievable. Call her? Would her phone number be that hard to get? Kathryn returns home and finds Subassdunne still on the phone. She lingers in the hall to eavesdrop as he says, "The television series M*A*S*H was way better than the movie!" Yeah, because Alan Alda is so much cooler than Donald Sutherland. I won't list the five hundred other reasons he's wrong, but that sums it up pretty well. Danielle says they've been talking for an hour (about M*A*S*H?) and prepares to end their chat. Subassdunne demands that she show him around town on Saturday, because he needs to be rescued from his "psycho step-sister." Danielle whines, "Don't you think we should take this slower?" Slower than going from a phone call to an afternoon date? That seems like a reasonable progression to me. Y'know, based on what I recall. Dimly. From a life. Subassdunne immediately insists that he wasn't asking her for a date, he just "wanted to make a new friend." Then, before she can interrupt, he says that she's conceited and hangs up. He opens the door and greets Kathryn, and it's not clear if he knew she was there, but it probably doesn't matter. Kathryn makes fun of him for getting shot down, and Subassdunne talks about how it must bother Kathryn that even though she's rich and popular, Danielle still doesn't like her. Yeah, I can see why that would bug Kathryn, because we've seen how hard she tries to be liked. Subassdunne grabs Kathryn's hand and pulls her out of the room, saying, "I have some work to do, and you have to go throw up. After all, that was a very big salad you had for dinner." As he slams the door, Kathryn cries, "Have you been spying on me?" Bulimia jokes. How very, oh, 1989. Subassdunne wakes up this morning and turns over in bed, knocking the breakfast tray over. The Cambodian maid immediately screams, Subassdunne screams back, and I sigh heavily. The maid grovels and cries because she doesn't want to get fired. Subassdunne reassures her and heads for the bathroom. As the maid continues to sob in the background, Subassdunne mutters, "It's like a fucking Godzilla movie." I don't even know what that means, but it seems like if I understood it, it'd probably be offensive. Plus, Godzilla movies are much funnier than this. A moment later, Kathryn enters the bathroom with a matching pair of bimbos. She asks if they know the routine, and they do: "Seduce and destroy." Kathryn exits.
Subassdunne lathers up as the twins enter the shower behind him. That is one huge shower, I gotta say. And why are there so many scenes with him in the shower? The girls introduce themselves as Sarah and Gretchen. They explain that they had a sleep-over with Kathryn, and they're running late, so can they join him in the shower? Because it's the only shower in the house, I guess. So Subassdunne makes various shocked noises while the girls disrobe and show us their breasts. They make small talk about school, which Subassdunne describes as "hard," and I think you all know where this is going, and it's every bit as unpleasant to watch as you might think. Since all of the blood has rushed out of Subassdunne's head, he asks if the identical twins in front of him are sisters. Unexpectedly, they claim to be "kissing cousins" and, duh, kiss, which we see a second of before cutting over to Subassdunne. Presumably they're still kissing, but you can hear them muttering to each other. Then Subassdunne falls down, and we see the girls stop kissing. They're twin bimbo ventriloquists, I guess. They talk about Danielle, and Gretchen (or possibly Sarah) says that it's too bad that Subassdunne will "miss out on all the action." Subassdunne asks what Sarah (or possibly Gretchen) means. She (whoever) says that "with the exception of Danielle, Manchester Prep's a virtual whorehouse." The other twin claims that the school motto is, "If you don't snort it, suck it." Subassdunne reacts by squeezing his shampoo bottle so that it sprays everywhere. It was at this exact moment that I truly began to hate my life. There's a final "ring toss" joke that I'm going to pretend not to understand, and the twins leave. Having never touched so much as a bar of soap. It's like they didn't really want to take a shower at all. Which is strange, since I sure do. As a matter of fact, I feel like I'll never be clean again. Kathryn lectures the staff for various trivial failings. She says that they can't slack off just because Mama Merteuil is out of town. Subassdunne joins the gathering, and the butler gives them their allowances, which consists of a tidy number of large bills. This gives Subassdunne an idea... Cherie runs into Danielle, and begs for help in French. She's flunking. School started, like, yesterday, didn't it? Cherie offers to pay $200 an hour, and Danielle insists that she'll just take "the going rate." Then she walks off, complaining, "Why does everything have to be about money?" Cherie follows and explains, "Because it's coooool." It says a lot that, compared to the alternatives, I wish that the whole movie was about these two girls. They start walking across an upstairs gallery-type hallway when they hear a phone ring. Cherie traces it to Danielle's backpack, and pulls out a cell phone, attached to a large heart-shaped note that says "Answer me." Cherie is convincingly hyper when she gets all excited and asks, "Oh my god, soooo cool! Is it your birthday or something?" Danielle answers the phone; to no one's surprise, it's Subassdunne calling. He's wearing sunglasses, which improves his appearance enormously because they hide the eyebrows. He says, "I think I may have real feelings for you." Danielle says she "can't do this" from a phone. Subassdunne wheedles, "But it's a good phone. Digital!" Danielle asks where he is, and Subassdunne instructs her, "Look down." She peers over the gallery's railing, and there he is. Even if he knew where she was when he called, how did he know which way she'd walk down the hall? Maybe there's a GPS in the phone. She heads downstairs, but can't find him when she gets outside. Meanwhile, someone draws Kathryn's attention to the proceedings. Subassdunne tells Danielle to close her eyes, which she does, whereupon he runs up and kisses her. Danielle angrily shoves him away, throws the phone at him, and runs inside. Kathryn strolls over, hands the phone back to Subassdunne, mocks him, and leaves.
Inside, Kathryn is approached by another teacher. He hands her a note, which she looks at and hands back, saying, "But I'm excused from gym." The teacher says that she is, but not from ballet. Kathryn goes into seductive mode, but the teacher is having none of that. Gee, I wonder if anyone will be able to spot the punchline approaching. Kathryn leaves, and a male student wanders by. The teacher greets him with an enthusiastic "Mister Erwick," and then purrs at him. See, it's funny because...no, I guess it isn't, actually. My mistake. Kathryn meets with Assistant Headmaster Mueller. More seductive threats. She wants out of ballet. Mueller whines about how the headmaster is suspicious and blah blah blah pedophiliacakes. Kathryn finally says that she'll go to ballet and gym. "The excuse slips were just a test. The day will come when I'll need you for a favor. And you'll do it without question. Capisce?" Mueller grovels obediently and claims that he worships his blackmailer. Kathryn says that "worship works best on your knees," and do you mind if I just fast-forward the tape for a minute, okay? Suddenly it's nighttime. Kathryn angrily knocks at the door of her home. No one's letting her in, because the servants are boozing it up over a poker game with Subassdunne. There's a "joke" based on the fact that the maid doesn't know what gefilte fish is. Subassdunne wins the hand, and then starts whining about how all of his money isn't helping him because Danielle resents his wealth. Er, no, I think she resented your attempt to assault her. The butler suggests that Subassdunne is acting as if he can buy Danielle. Subassdunne is astonished by this insight. The butler goes on to say that "women are more interested in the soul of a man than in his trappings." I think Subassdunne's in trouble if that's true. Plus, judging by the large number of women who seem very interested in a guy with a nice jacket and no soul at all, it's possible the butler is mistaken. Kathryn enters and starts shrieking about how no one answered the door, and she had to take a cab home because the limo didn't pick her up. Subassdunne defends the staff by explaining that he ordered them to play cards with him, and tells Kathryn that she treats the servants like dirt. He has a right to moral superiority here, because ordering them to spend their free time with him is so much better than expecting them to simply do their jobs. Kathryn storms off, and Subassdunne follows.
Subassdunne finds Kathryn sniffling in another room, and asks, "If you hate your mother so much, why work so hard to be just like her?" Then he psychobabbles that she must act like a bitch because deep down, she's in pain. Kathryn cries about how horrible her childhood was, and how she feels like she has to make amends for existing. Subassdunne comments, "That doesn't make any sense." Tell me about it. I wonder if that was actually a line in the script, or if he accidentally read a margin note made by a producer. The phone rings before they can both admit that they just want to be loved, gosh darn it. Subassdunne answers the phone. It's Cherie calling to tell him that "Danielle is totally, madly in love with you." Subassdunne disputes that. Cherie un-nuendos that Danielle "gets all moist" whenever she sees Subassdunne, and then clarifies that Danielle's eyes get teary. Is that what happens when you're totally, madly in love? My eyes are getting watery, too, but I think that's because I've been trying to think of reasons to go on living despite this movie. A task which grows more difficult every minute. Cherie says that Danielle's having dinner with her aunt at the Riverside Café, and so Subassdunne should go there and "bare [his] soul" to her. Subassdunne runs off without even bothering to hang up the phone. Which would require him to push a button, since it's a cell phone. He's the laziest boy in the world. Danielle, free of any auntly encumbrance, is strolling around near the harbor. She discovers Subassdunne, who has disguised himself as a street performer by playing a violin very badly. Danielle deduces that Cherie told him where to find her. Danielle has to catch a train home, and Subassdunne offers to escort her to the station. She agrees, on the condition that he doesn't talk. If only the entire movie had been made with that arrangement. Subassdunne agrees, and then starts playing the violin again. Danielle caves in and allows him to speak. He starts talking about romance, but Danielle isn't impressed by the pretty words. Subassdunne claims that he can't say what he really wants to say. Except that he can, and does: "I want to know what happened at school, in the courtyard. I kissed you and you just ran off." That's called a hint, Subassdunne. He says he's tried everything to make Danielle like him. Dude, you bought her a phone and now you're stalking her. How is that trying everything? Danielle tells him to be himself; he says he's scared. He starts walking along, whining about how he's lonely and confused, and when he finally turns back to Danielle, she's hopped into a taxi. She claims that she doesn't want to miss her train, but I think we all know her real motive for getting out of there. She waves and the taxi drives away.
The morning, Kathryn tries to bond with the maid. The maid talks about how she escaped from Cambodia and came to the U.S. on a tiny boat. Kathryn is reminded of the time she almost had to take a seat in coach. And now, prepare yourself for the funniest line in the movie. It made one side of my mouth twitch slightly, that's how funny it is. Kathryn perkily says, "Your family fled from the Khmer Rouge? Nothing subtle about that shade of rouge!" Yup, that's it. With the cultural exchange completed, the maid leaves. It's at this point that I theorize how this movie was written. You know how there's a game where one person writes a sentence for a story, and the person reads it, adds another sentence, then folds the paper over to cover the first sentence. The third person reads the second sentence, adds a third, and covers up the second sentence. So you get a story where the characters and situation change every line or two, because no one's read the entire thing. I think the script was written the same way. That's the only way I can understand how Kathryn goes from spoiled to clever to ditzy to calculating from one scene to the . Kathryn and two Machiavellettes stride down the hall at school, chanting, "Move, move, move," to get everyone out of their way. That sure goes with the angelic image that Kathryn supposedly cultivates. Then they run into Mr. Nagao, their new Japanese cook. Because, remember, way back at the Tribunal meeting, they wanted sushi in the cafeteria. Kathryn tells one of her sidekicks that the old cook was fired when someone found a dead rat in their lunch. That clinches it: Kathryn is an evil mastermind. A Machiavellette asks if Kathryn has finished plotting against Cherie yet. Kathryn says that Cherie is "on her way to ruin." Naturally, that's when Cherie appears upstairs and hollers over the gallery railing. Crowds of students listen as Cherie announces that Kathryn and her mother are invited to Cherie's house for nonfat lattes, and then Kathryn can spend the night at Cherie's and listen to the new Hanson album. The Machiavellettes snicker at Kathryn. Danielle pops up to a gloomy Subassdunne and says that it's her turn to explain. She claims to have been embarrassed because Subassdunne's "used to girls with all this experience" and she didn't want to admit that he's the first boy she's kissed. Subassdunne says this is wonderful news, but doesn't really explain why. Maybe he thinks it's wonderful that she believes other girls would have sex with him. They suck face, and then the bell rings and Danielle starts to leave. Subassdunne says, "Just...back away. So I know you're not running away." Does that seem creepy to anyone else? Danielle backs away obediently. As soon as she's gone, Kathryn appears, doing The Villainous Clap Of Sarcasm at Subassdunne's accomplishment. She says that he "must feel like a dope, leading on that poor, lovesick girl." Why would he feel like a dope about that? Especially when there are so many other reasons for him to feel like a dope. Kathryn predicts that "a few weeks of hand-holding and chaste smooching, and [he'll] be so bored and horny [he'll] mess the whole thing up." Kathryn says she could "wipe [Danielle] off the map tomorrow" but she'll just let the romance die on its own. Subassdunne, naturally, takes this clear statement of Kathryn's intent to do nothing as a threat, and shoves her up against the wall, which is entirely inappropriate. He says, "Do anything to screw it up, and I'll screw you up!" That just might be the lamest threat in the history of cinema. Kathryn quotes Bugs Bunny: "You do realize this means war?" Subassdunne says, "Then war it is." Subassdunne proves he's ready for battle by pushing Kathryn into a big mud puddle. So in the original book, there's a cunning battle of wits in which various other characters are manipulated as part of a grand strategy. Which, for this movie, has been re-interpreted as a shoving match. Genius.
Kathryn is wheeled into a room on a massage table. Oh, she's also talking on the phone, nagging what I'm willing to bet is a drunken Irish stablehand about grooming her horse, Byron. She hangs up, and is wheeled up to her mother while two (shall we assume Swedish?) women begin rubbing their backs. Mama Merteuil mentions Cherie, and Kathryn explains that she's on a campaign to turn Cherie into a slut. It's nice that Kathryn can be so honest with her mom. Mama Merteuil orders Kathryn to play nice, because she's hoping to convince Cherie's mother to donate money to the school. Kathryn pouts. Subassdunne strolls in and whines that he's failing his fencing class. Mama Mertuil suggests that Subassdunne try a soothing massage, and Kathryn offers to give up her table, since she's got some important sulking to do. The masseurs kneel in front of Subassdunne and start fiddling with his shorts. Ack. An unclear amount of time later, Subassdunne is stretched out on the table and is surprised to discover that his massage is now being performed by his stepmother. How could he miss that happening? Mama Merteuil talks about how she wants to get to know her stepson. She mentions that Subassdunne's father has been spending a lot of time working on his yacht, so she'll have plenty of time to chat with Subassdunne. Subassdunne non-sequiturs about how much Papa Valmont loves her. Mama Merteuil mentions that if that weren't so, Subassdunne and his father would be on the street. This is such a strange conversation. Not to mention the Spanking The Monkey subtext. If she thinks that her husband is cheating on her, what does she expect Subassdunne to do about it? Mama Merteuil slaps Subassdunne on the ass and leaves. I slap myself in the face to stay awake. Subassdunne visits his father's yacht. Papa Valmont's in bed. And handcuffed to the headboard. And there's a girl hiding in the closet. How droll. Subassdunne tells the girl that Papa Valmont is married, and she gets vexed and leaves. Subassdunne says, "It's not just your life anymore, Dad; it's mine, too. Don't screw it up for me." Because we've all seen how Subassdunne strives for a life of quiet simplicity, and so he's got every right to insist that his father behave himself. Subassdunne tosses the key for the handcuffs through a porthole and leaves. Papa Valmont says, "This sucks." I must agree. Subassdunne sits on a bench, chatting with his father's ex-girlfriend. The girl complains about how Papa Valmont lied to her. Subassdunne calls his father "a master of deceit." For saying, "I'm not married," when, actually, he was. That sure is clever trickery, all right. The girl asks why men are such jerks, and says that her life sucks. Subassdunne spews self-help claptrap at her. The girl kisses him to get him to shut up, and asks if he wants to come back to her place. Subassdunne has to prepare for an oral report. Predictable un-nuendo follows. Subassdunne leaves.
Cherie and her mom chat with Kathryn and Mama Merteuil. Hey, I thought they were invited to go to Cherie's house. Kathryn helps turn the conversation toward her mother's fund-raising efforts for the school. Papa Valmont appears through a doorway, barefoot and shirtless and still trying to free himself of the handcuffs. Kathryn sees him before he notices the gathering and dashes out of view. Kathryn excuses herself and goes after her stepfather while Cherie's mom expresses interest in making a donation to Manchester Prep. Papa Valmont's in the kitchen, trying to pick the handcuffs' lock with a steak knife (I. Don't. Know.), when Kathryn enters. Papa Valmont offers to explain the cuffs, but Kathryn says that it isn't necessary. Then she talks about how idyllic their family is, adding, "I know you'd never do anything to break up our happy home." She hands Papa Valmont a big key ring (which I guess includes a skeleton key for handcuffs) and then gives him detailed instructions on how he should spend the following evening romancing Mama Merteuil. The agenda includes requesting "Under My Thumb" from an accordion player at the restaurant. I try to imagine what that would sound like, and fail. Kathryn finishes cheerfully giving orders, and exits. Papa Valmont looks after her in a lustful way, because this movie isn't slimy enough. The morning, Subassdunne looks down from the balcony as an old lady with a walker passes beneath him. He tells her it's a lovely morning, and she shouts back, "Bite me, rich boy." Because New Yorkers are rude, you see. Elsewhere, Danielle is leaving her house. Her dad gives her a hug and talks to her, and I guess her family is supposed to be a sharp contrast with Subassdunne's family because they're close and affectionate and so on. They're also amazingly unobservant, however, since Danielle heads across the lawn, and only upon reaching the street does she notice the limo parked at the curb directly in front of her house. The chauffeur explains that Subassdunne thought she'd prefer the limo to taking the train. Hadn't he decided against trying to dazzle her with his wealth? And where is she going? Is she going to work? She can't be going to school, because then her dad would be going as well, right? And if she's going to meet Subassdunne, why didn't he ride out to meet her instead of just sending the car? Kathryn and Cherie head out for Cherie's first try at horseback riding. Cut to Cherie being thrown off the horse. And then there's the scene that inspired protests before the show even aired. Cherie gets back on the horse, and Kathryn instructs her in the fine art of posting. ("Is that what the kids are calling it these days?") The horse remains motionless while Kathryn orders Cherie to raise and lower herself onto the saddle, and then to slide back and forth in the saddle. I trust you to figure out where this is going. To quote Kathryn: "Up and down, back and forth, fas-ter, fas-ter, up and down, back and forth, fas-ter, fas-ter..." She also keeps time by slapping a riding crop into her palm. Cherie starts enjoying herself as she's told to "grind into the saddle." This goes on for an entire minute, which doesn't seem like a long time unless you're watching it. It's kind of like the way time slows down when you're about to crash your car into a brick wall. Only, of course, this is more horrifying. Cherie finally squeals and falls off the horse. Kathryn asks if she's okay, and Cherie says, "Now I know why girls like horses."
Subassdunne and Danielle are sitting on a park bench, and it looks like Danielle has moved successfully from her first kiss to her first grope. She is also wearing completely different clothes from when the limo picked her up. Danielle worries that they're moving too fast. Subassdunne assures her that he doesn't want to rush things. She suddenly fondles his crotch, earning all sorts of hazard pay, and explains that she does want to rush things, because she's "tired of being the only virgin in the sophomore class." While Subassdunne makes disturbing noises, she talks about how part of her wants him to rip her clothes off, and another part of her wants to wait until she's married to have sex. She finally releases him, and Subassdunne talks about his struggles with his own "dark side." Shut up, Luke Skywanker. We've got enough incestuous themes without dragging Star Wars into this mess. Subassdunne's distracted from his noble speech when Danielle begins unzipping her shirt and sliding her hands over her bra. As if none of these shenanigans are taking place, they both calmly agree that they're afraid of getting hurt. Subassdunne suggests that they take it slow and not hurt each other. Then he looks to the side and mutters, "God, we sound like a cancelled television series." Get it? Get it? So, having agreed to take it slow, Danielle unzips Subassdunne's fly and bends over him. In a public park. Just as I prepare to give myself a lobotomy with a carving knife (and in so doing, automatically get an offer to write and direct a show for Fox), Danielle's phone rings and interrupts the proceedings. It's her dad, reminding her to meet her aunt for afternoon mass. Kathryn goes shopping and snarks at the salesgirl. Chad the Machiavellette turns up with a file on Subassdunne. Chad explains that Subassdunne paid off "the overnight delivery guy" in order to substitute faked papers for the unflattering report that his old principal sent to Manchester. Back at home, Subassdunne makes a date with Danielle to see "the new James Van Der Beek film." Danielle says that her dad's out of town, so she's alone with her cat. Amazingly, there is a second "joke" about pussies. Subassdunne hangs up and then says, "The school virgin's at home alone with her pussy, and I'm taking her to see Dawson. God, I've become a total fag." He just couldn't be more unpleasant, could he? Kathryn enters and tosses Subassdunne's school file at him. Subassdunne says he's trying to start over, but Kathryn's not interested. She mentions his mom, and asks, "How will she pay for rehab when I tell my mom where some of her money's going?" Huh? Is it a secret that Subassdunne and/or his father are paying for the rehab? And if so, why? Subassdunne makes a few extremely vague threats, including, "You don't know what I'm capable of." Kathryn says, "Yes I do; I read your file. It turns me on." To prove it, she disrobes and reveals her black lace negligee. Huh? She asks if he's going to see Danielle, and it's her turn to squeeze his crotch. Why does everyone feel compelled to grab him like that? Maybe he's got one of those stress-relief squeeze toys in his pocket. Kathryn says that she and Subassdunne are alike, and repeats that he'll just break Danielle's heart eventually. "We could make a great team," she insists, and sucks his finger. Subassdunne points out that she's his stepsister, and asks if there's any line she won't cross. "Only one," she answers. "Never in the butt." Thereby spelling out the first movie's premise, you see. She shoves Subassdunne back onto the bed and claims, "The Bradys never had it so good." That depends on who you talk to, actually. They make out for a bit, and then Subassdunne finally pulls away and says he has to leave. He insists that he loves Danielle, and that he won't let Kathryn corrupt him. She says he can't change, and Subassdunne insists that he'll try. "You're gonna die trying," she smirks, because she saw the first movie. Subassdunne leaves, and Kathryn picks up the phone and calls someone. "Hello, Danielle?" she says. Gosh 'n' golly, what is she up to now?
It's raining as Subassdunne rushes up to Danielle's house and pounds on the door. She let's him in and asks what's wrong. Subassdunne grumbles that he has to get out of New York, and that he doesn't think he can beat Kathryn. Danielle asks, "Do you believe in a higher power?" He does. "Do you believe that love conquers all?" Yup. "Do you believe in our love?" Again, yes. Danielle grins and says, "'Cause I sure as hell don't." Why, what's all this now? A closet door opens and Kathryn steps out as Danielle calls Subassdunne a "fucking idiot." She then tells Kathryn, "I told you I could do it." "I should never have doubted you," Kathryn agrees, and then steps up for a kiss. Subassdunne is flustered and inexplicably says, "I saw you -- you were with your dad!" When? What is he talking about? A scene not appearing in this version, I guess. Danielle says that what her father doesn't know won't hurt him. Kathryn laughs and says, "You didn't really think you were going to win, did you?" For the last time, win at what? What were they competing for? Danielle invites Subassdunne to join them. Subassdunne stands up and says, "If you can't beat 'em..." Kathryn and Danielle take turns kissing him, and then Kathryn stares directly into the camera and says, "Share and share alike." So, you see, it was all part of Kathryn's plan from the very beginning. Or possibly Danielle's plan. To trick Subassdunne into trying to seduce her, when actually she was seducing him. Why? Good question. You'd think that would be more than enough, but there's one more scene. Cherie is riding her bike through the park. A limo motors along behind her. Inside, Subassdunne opens a card from Danielle saying, "Now you'll have something to write about." Was there any point when he wanted to write about something? I guess that's another scene that would up on the cutting-room floor. Given what they actually used in this movie, can you imagine what the stuff they cut is like? Subassdunne opens a package, which, of course, contains the leather-bound journal that becomes so important in the first movie. Subassdunne then tells the driver to honk, which he does, startling Cherie and causing her to run off the road. Subassdunne offers to give her a ride, and she gets into the car. Subassdunne's wearing sunglasses, because he's evil now. He's also playing with a camera and immediately begins his whole "you could be a model" shtick. Although he only lets Cherie strike poses for about ten seconds before he lunges across the car at her. They proceed to make out, and the limo starts down the road again. While Cherie squeals in the back seat, we see Kathryn and Danielle in the front seat, wearing the sunglasses of evil.