Previously on DC: Jen and Henry kiss, FINALLY; Dawson feels "very lost," and if I had a hairdon’t like his, I’d feel lost too; Pacey waxes philosophical on falling in love again as we see scenes of tenderness between him and Joey.
Fade up on the Pottermobile. In a flagrant lift from the Jordan-teaches-Angela-to-drive scenes in My So-Called Life, Dawson "All’s Forehead In Love And War" Leery gives condescending driving tips to Joey "’Tude Indigo" Potter. Despite the fact that the truck can’t be going more than five miles an hour, Joey manages to grind the gears and bring it to a screeching halt, and when Dawson gently tries to review correct use of the clutch, Joey glares at him and balks at doing any more learning to drive, calling it "too hard." Whatever, Stick-Shift Barbie. From the bed of the truck, a voice trots out the oh-so-non-fresh car-trip line, "Are we there yet?" Pacey "My Bloody Valentine" Witter sits up and observes that they’ve barely gone halfway down the driveway. Dawson mutters something about how friends shouldn’t teach friends to drive stick, and Joey sneers that Dawson is "not exactly Lloyd Dobler," and when Dawson wants to know what that means, Joey reminds him of the part in Say Anything where Lloyd teaches Diane how to drive and says that, in contrast to Dawson, Lloyd was "quite the patient tutor," and Dawson points out that Diane "listened to [Lloyd’s] tutorials." Joey gets all pissed off, but before she can think up a withering comeback, Pacey breaks it up by suggesting that they "try and [sic] find the love up there, shall we?" He jumps down from the back and suggests that he and Dawson take Joey out on the town that night -- unless, he adds, Joey has plans with AJ. Joey says no and refers to a "massive mid-term crisis." Oh, please. Leave it to AJ to take mid-terms in February, when the semester has scarcely begun. Pacey wants to know "what kind of moron would rather shove his nose in a book than take his girl out for Valentine’s Day?" Good question. Answer: the last guy I went out with. Which is why I don’t go out with that guy anymore. Anyhow. Joey says that it might come as a surprise to Pacey, but "some people are actually dedicated to the pursuit of academic excellence." Dawson ignores this jibe and urges her to come, "it’ll be fun." Joey turns up her nose and says, "Depends on what Goofus and Gallant are up to this evening." Okay, that made me laugh. Pacey mentions that a guy named Matt Caufield is throwing an anti-Valentine’s bash. "Caufield"? I mean, the captioning says "Caufield," but I sense a mangled reference to Catcher In The Rye here. Ugh. Joey rains on Pacey’s parade by asking disdainfully why he’d want to go to a Matt Caufield party; Dawson asks, "After everything we’ve heard about him, why wouldn’t we?" Joey expresses surprise at Dawson’s response, describes Caufield as "not exactly of [Dawson’s] tribe" and "a creep," and says the guy’s parties "are infamous for complete and utter debauchery." Pacey interrupts to ask why Joey wants to stop Dawson from having fun for a change; Joey throws around words like "depraved" and "bottom-feeders" and asks why Pacey wants to drag Dawson down to his level. Dawson tries to observe that they have to get to school, but Joey finishes by saying loftily that she’d love to watch them make fools of themselves, but she’ll have to pass "on the whole party thing, and make it a Blockbuster night." As the sound of a cat receiving an unwanted flea dip cues up on the soundtrack, Pacey says very condescendingly that that sounds like a great idea, but "who are you gonna get to drive ya?" Joey glares at him.
Just a quick note: I had to recap this episode standing up, because every time I tried to sit down, a trailer for The Beach kept sucking my ass.
Capeside High. The camera focuses on a guy, presumably The Notorious Caufield, who looks about forty-five years old, while Dawson and Pacey speak admiringly of his lifestyle -- "urban legend has it" he once nailed six cheerleaders in one weekend, blah blah blah playa-cakes. Pacey says they "gotta" go to that party. Dawson expresses reservations. Pacey: "Is this doubt I’m hearing, young Skywalker?" More back-and-forth on how Dawson needs to get out more. Dawson: "Pacey Witter, the poor man’s Yoda." Can I please declare a nationwide moratorium on the use of Star Wars-related pseudo-witticisms? Because they stopped being funny in the autumn of 1992. Evidently, I can’t, because Jar Jar -- I mean, "Pacey" continues on in this vein, comparing himself to Han Solo and greeting the entrance of Jack "Vidal Sassoon’s Revenge" McPhee by calling him "Chewbacca." Pacey then asks Jack if he had "any luck." Jack relates, with much eye-rolling, that he asked a few of the guys on the football team, but the party’s location "is completely confidential." As opposed to "partially confidential." Jack drones on about Caufield not wanting the cops to find out, but as Pacey and Dawson wilt in disappointment, Jack says with an evil grin that he got "the password." "Nice!" Pacey shouts. "What is it?" Dawson asks. Jack does a weird head movement and whispers dramatically, "‘I know kung fu,’" following it with this totally out-of-character Jeff-Spicoli noddy-smiley thing. But he’s still my boyfriend.
Oh, man. Okay, cut to a medical technician telling Henry "Under" Parker that he can only donate plasma every seventy-two hours. Henry insists he feels fine, although nobody who "feels fine" would willingly have submitted to that hairstyle. The tech spreads a bit of cheese about Henry’s huge heart supplying blood to all of New England, but says she can’t allow him to donate any more. Henry begs, adding that he has "a date with an angel tonight." What a coincidence -- I have a date with a Big Gulp of Maalox. Henry yammers to the tech about how hard he’s worked to pay for the date, reservations, best table, on and on, and says if he can just sell "one more pint" he’ll have enough to buy Jen a gift as well. One more pint -- of plasma? I don’t have a degree in medicine, but that seems like a lot. Or a screw-up by the writers. Duh, of course it’s a screw-up by the writers. The tech says she can’t bend the rules. Henry brings out a plate of crackers and serves still more cheese to "Nurse Nicole" regarding a guy out there somewhere who thinks about her every night and sells blood to buy her stuff, and instead of getting a restraining order, Nurse Nicole gives in.
Waterfront. Pacey jogs up to a police cruiser driven by "Deputy" Doug Witter. Doug is blasting a pretty awful R&B song. Doug thinks Pacey wants something; Pacey denies it. Pacey comments on the "satanic racket" coming from the radio; Doug uses the word "diva," and Pacey threatens to start in with the "gay-stereotype humor" again. Then Pacey sucks up by asking to do a "ride-along" with Doug, and Doug says no and says Pacey would just get bored because Doug has stake out the golf course, and Pacey gets a knowing glint in his eye and asks why, so Doug explains that a concerned citizen called in about a party that might happen out there. Long story short, Pacey tries to throw Doug off the trail by saying he heard about a "rager" happening on Witch Island, then goes about his business.
At McPhee Manor, Jack wanders down a hall and hears Andie "Perk Diggler" McPhee on the phone to a friend named Kate, insisting that she come to "take her mind off things." He stops at the doorway of Andie’s room as she hangs up and wants to know Kate who, and Andie chirps, "Kate Douglas!" and adds that Kate is coming up from Rhode Island for the weekend. Jack says incredulously, "Kate Douglas, as in my ex-girlfriend?" "And a very good friend of mine," Andie says, and Jack takes Andie’s head off for inviting Kate up without asking him first. Andie explains that it’s Valentine’s Day and Kate just broke up with her boyfriend and "needs a change of scenery"; Jack sighs gustily and asks if Kate mentioned him. Andie basically says "uh duh," and Jack wants to know what Andie told her. Andie: "That you’re great!" Jack: "And?" Andie: "And?" They "and" at each other a few more times before Andie finally says no, she didn’t tell Kate that Jack switched teams. Jack can’t believe Andie. Dude, neither can anyone else. Andie suggests that, when Kate arrives, Jack "ask her if she wants a glass of water, and then you, you know, kind of mention that you like boys." Ha! I have to say, this new Phoebe-from-Friends incarnation of Andie sort of cracks me up. Jack gives Andie a wah-wah-wah look.
Jen "No Scrubs -- Oh, Wait, Scratch That" Lindley asks Grams "Je Suis Le Boot, Le Boot C’est Moi" Ryan if she should wear red or black. Grams snorts that it’s Valentine’s Day: "Red, of course." Grams reassures Jen that it’s okay if Jen’s nervous, because "Valentine’s is a very exciting day." Yeah, if "exciting" means "loathsome and icky." Fortunately, I’m not bitter this year. Moving right along -- Jen says she isn’t nervous, it’s just another date, just another day. Grams corrects her that it’s not just another day, but the day St. Valentine gave his life rather than "stop marrying young Christian lovers." Sars corrects Grams that St. Valentine a) got booted from the hagiographic register in the sixties, because b) the cardinal college found evidence that his taste in Christian lovers ran more in the little-boy line, so you can address that mail to MISTER Valentine, Ossining State Prison. Jen busts on Grams a bit, and Grams tells Jen she’s "far too young to be this jaded." Word to that.
Jen wriggles into the black dress and makes another comment about commercialization, to which Grams responds that "not even the harsh jangle of the cash register can keep love at bay." Then she tells Jen how beautiful she looks, talks her out of wearing a necklace, and advises her to breathe deeply to calm her nerves, saying "in -- out -- in -- out" a bunch of times. Um. Okay. Jen babbles again that she isn’t nervous and could Grams please not make such a big deal out of it. Grams tells her to have fun. Jen gulps. Then she sighs. She looks terrified, but she’s having a good hair day so far this episode.
Andie’s car. Andie, driving, tells Kate "the plan" -- meet their friend at the club, then try to find "this senior party." A brief silence, during which Jack glowers in the back seat. Kate turns half around and says, "Jackers? You’re pretty darn quiet for someone I haven’t seen in a year." I wouldn’t respond to such an infantile nickname either, myself, but Jack mutters that "it’s just weird seeing" her. Kate asks if Jack missed her. Jack says of course he did, and Kate goes on to call herself "a pretty missable kinda gal." "Darn"? "Gal"? "Jackers"? Did the Oklahoma road troupe leave Kate behind or something? Jack uncomfortably agrees with "missable," and Kate asks about any special someone in Jack’s life these days. Jack stammers, while Andie looks by turns scared and gleeful, "It’s -- funny you should ask that, uh -- because I think there’s something that you should know," but before he can tell her he’s gay, Kate starts crying. Andie asks her what’s wrong, and Kate says that when her boyfriend broke up with her, "it started just like that" -- the guy said "funny you should ask," and then he told Kate that he was gay. Ouch. Jack looks up sharply at Kate, then at Andie in the rearview. Damn, Kerr Smith has some blue eyes. Right, sorry, so Jack and Andie look at each other in the rearview. Andie makes gaspy-fish motions with her mouth. Jack leans his head back on the headrest and closes his eyes.
After the commercial, we cut to the golf course, where Pacey lines up a putt and narrates his own shot in a golf-commentator whisper. Dawson looks on. A squawk of "hi, guys!" causes him to flub the shot as Andie arrives on the green with Jack and Kate. Pacey sputters at Andie for making him drop his putter, and Andie mocks him, "Ooh, tragic!" She introduces Kate to Pacey and Dawson. Kate says that "any friends of Jackers’s" are friends of hers; Pacey is just as flabbergasted at her use of "Jackers" as I. Jack cuts Pacey off by telling him that he and Kate "go way back." "Jack was my first boyfriend," Kate confides. "Oh, way back," Pacey chuckles. Kate charges ahead by announcing that she’s just broken up with her gay boyfriend, which has put her "in a highly charged emotional state -- ’kay? Thanks for your time." Welcome to Failed Humor, population: Kate. Oh, and Kate? Shut up -- ’kay? Thanks for your time.
Pacey asks Dawson for "a moment," draws him aside, and asks if he heard what Kate just said. Dawson says he feels sorry for Kate -- "not one but two gay boyfriends" -- but Pacey points out that Kate "needs to overcome the memory of her lost love." Dawson doesn’t catch his snap, so Pacey spells it out: "She’s lookin’ to hook up, man!" She should really look a little farther along, in my opinion, but in any case, after a bit more dorky banter, Dawson and Pacey rejoin the group just as Joey turns up, wearing another one of her tomboy toques. Pacey expresses sarcastic disbelief that "Miss Josephine Buzzkill" has graced them with her presence (heh), and Joey says primly that she came to make sure she didn’t "lose Dawson to the dark side." Okay, stop it with the Star Wars references! Stop it, stop it, stop! It! God! Dawson informs her dryly that he appreciates her concern, but he can take care of himself; Joey says he’ll thank her someday for playing the angel on his shoulder to Pacey’s devil. While this dialogue unfolds, Kate seconds my emotion by shooting a "whaaaatever" look at Andie, who shrugs in response. Pacey tells Joey that she is not going to ruin the night for them. Well, she’s already ruined my night, so don’t dawdle finding the keg, buddy.
Henry picks Jen up for their date. Jen says hi. Henry croaks, but whether in awe or because he has only one plasma cell left, I don’t know. Jen asks if he feels okay and says he looks kind of "peaked." Henry blathers something about dreaming of the date for so long. Jen assures him he’s awake. Henry tells Jen she’s gorgeous. "So are you," Jen smiles. They discuss the fact that they both have the same color outfit on, and Jen refers to the spirit of St. Valentine, which Henry says he believes in before presenting her with a red rose. More blathering on the subject of "perfect." Jen stabs herself with a thorn, for which Henry for some reason apologizes, but she says it’s okay, "just a flesh wound," and they get going.
Cut to a golf-cart caravan on a beach. In voice-over, Joey busts on Pacey for "shoving Dawson on that girl." Pacey calls her on her jealousy, but she demurs that Dawson’s "lost right now" and she’s worried about him. Pacey agrees that Dawson’s lost, so he should have as many life experiences as possible. Joey doesn’t understand why life experiences have to mean "wild parties and random hook-ups," and Pacey asks what she would rather Dawson do, "join the Book Of The Month club?" Yeah, really. People party wildly and hook up randomly because it’s fun, Joey. Try it, you’ll like it.
In another cart, Jack grouses, "We’re screwed," and says he can’t tell Kate he’s gay now because he doesn’t want to give her a complex. Andie says he can’t keep avoiding her all night either. Jack repeats that he doesn’t want to hurt Kate all over again, and Andie guffaws and says, "Get over yourself, Jack." "What?" he snaps. These two have definitely improved their sibling interaction, acting-wise.
In the third cart, Kate asks Dawson, "Is there something hideously wrong with me?" No comment. Dawson says no, not that he can’t tell. Kate says that the guy she just broke up with used to tell her "that [she] was an acquired taste," and theorizes that that’s just a nice way of calling her a "filthy eyesore." She asks Dawson if she’s a filthy eyesore. I’ll give her "earsore." Shut UP, woman. Dawson tells her she’s beautiful, "in a way beautiful used to actually mean something." Huh? Kate simpers, "What was your name again?" A song by DJ Rap plays in the background -- unfortunately, because I used to like this song. The carts pull up at the party and everyone piles out. Kate says, "Rock on," and Joey points out that "Scream 3 is playing at the Rialto, we could still catch it." Pacey basically tells her to stow it, and I agree -- if she doesn’t want to go to the party, why doesn’t she just go home? Jack nervously wonders what the Caufield crowd will think of their crashing the party uninvited -- although I thought he had the password -- and Andie says they should have thought of that before they got there, "so, who wants to go get ice cream?" Pacey sighs that if they’ve come this far, they might as well just go. Caufield comes out of the crowd just then, marches up to them, and announces in the manner of a tour guide, "This is my party. And I don’t recall inviting any of you." "You didn’t, our mistake, so we’ll be going now," Andie perks, and she tries to get the rest of the group to follow her, but Jack grabs her arm and pulls her back. Caufield holds a finger aloft and asks if they know the password. Pacey throws it to Dawson, who says, "I know kung fu," and Caufield says, "Okay then," and Pacey burbles, "Well, okay -- okay."
The group starts to head in, but Caufield mentions an entrance fee. Pacey makes a weak joke about a five-dollar cover, which if memory serves is way more realistic than what happens -- and by the way, what’s up with Caufield’s Vergil-the-spirit-guide routine, anyway? Nobody acted like that in high school. You showed up, you parked a few blocks down, you sidled in the back door and ponied up to the host’s older brother for the beer, and you started drinking, period. Nobody made this big a Mission: Impossible deal out of it. Okay, so Caufield brings over a tray of bitty little cups and says that if they want to come in, they each have to "down one of these bad boys," and again I must object. A Jell-O shot is not a "bad boy." A slug of Jack Daniel’s is a bad boy. A kamikaze is a bad boy. A Jell-O shot is a girlie drink, and those Jell-O shots wouldn’t get a newborn infant tipsy. Well, now that I’ve made myself sound like a complete sot, back to the recap. Pacey says, "Thank you, Mr. Cosby." Kate says, "Red. Pretty," then slurps hers down like a pro and says, "Yummy." Jack shoots his. Caufield passes the tray between Andie and Joey, saying, "Betty? Veronica?" Andie begs off because she has to drive. Joey says icily that she’d love to, and she knows he’s dying to hold her hair back when she vomits up "that nasty keg beer," but she’ll have to take a rain check. Nice attitude to throw at the host, Joey -- and why did you come, again? And why haven’t you left yet? Caufield stares at her with the patented frat-boy-ignoring-sarky-girl smile of condescending blandness, then passes the tray to Dawson, who reaches for a cup. "You’re actually considering participating in this nonsense?" Joey asks him. Dawson furrows his brow as Pacey tells Joey to let Dawson decide for himself. Joey says that "this isn’t you," and again Pacey jumps in before Dawson can respond and points out that Joey’s concern for Dawson "is starting to border on pathological." Dawson tells them both to lighten up and shoots his Jell-O. Joey stares at him and looks as if she might start to cry. Kate smiles smugly. Joey turns and walks away, and Andie follows her; Pacey and the others walk off in a different direction.
The date. Jen admits that "everything’s turned out really nicely," and as she continues to talk, Henry just sits there looking faint. Jen tries to get his attention, and he snaps back into it, saying he "was just resting" his eyes. Then he swoons to the floor, bringing a bunch of plateware and cutlery down on top of him.
Back in a golf cart, Joey fumes, "How does he do it?" "Who, Dawson?" Andie asks, but Joey meant Pacey, and how he always gets them "into these situations." Andie refers to Pacey’s "cocky charm" with a benevolent smile. Joey grouses some more about the "village idiot routine," and Andie says patiently that Pacey means well. The girls laughingly compare him to a dog that knocks over everything in the house; then Andie says, "You know who you sound like?" "Who?" "Me, right before I started dating him." Then Deputy Doug pulls them over. Yes, in the golf cart. Yes, Deputy Doug needs to get a life. He greets them with, "Evening, ladies," accompanied by a bunch of eyebrow-wiggling and jaw-setting, and shines his flashlight in their eyes.
Amazing, don’t you find, how fun commercials seem during a Dawson’s Creek episode? Case in point: how excited I got saying "arrrrrrrrrroz FIESTA!" during a Goya ad. Pass the Jell-O shots.
The party rages on. Kids carry each other around and scream a lot. Dawson walks up to a table to find Kate pouring Jack Daniel’s into a cup (hey, maybe there’s hope for her after all), and they share a moment of non-flirtatious non-banter before Dawson invites her to take a walk. Ew, gross. Kate makes a big show of thinking it over before saying that "a walk sounds neat, let’s go." "Neat"?
A paramedic straps Henry to a gurney and tells Jen Henry will be at St. Matthew’s later. Jen can’t believe Henry sold his blood. "Twice in a forty-eight hour period," a delirious Henry raves. "What were you thinking?" demands Jen. Henry wanted to make the night unforgettable, and Jen tells him he did. He digs the gift out of one of his pockets and gives it to her: it’s a ring, which Jen notes with some consternation. It’s also "orange," Jen says, and Henry says it’s Hungarian red and asks her to try it on. Then he starts ranting that he ruined everything, and Jen tells him not to worry, and as Henry gets loaded into the ambulance, she calls after him that "it’s perfect" about a dozen times. I’ve tried to care about this plot, but I just don’t. Jen goes back into the restaurant.
The walk. Kate, going for "sly" but taking a sharp left at "tipsy": "I know what you’re doing." Dawson: "Really. And, uh, and what’s that?" Kate: "You’re the resident caretaker." Dawson doesn’t get it. Kate says that he’s the nice guy of the gang, the "Freddie Friendly" (yes, she really said that) who deals with the high-strung, wasted girl so that "the other boys can go and have fun." Bitter much? She tells him not to worry, she won’t burden him, and as his face falls and he tells her to wait a minute, she burbles, "This place is hilly!" Snerk. Dawson asks why she assumes that he’s nice, and goes into leering mode while saying that maybe he’s trying to take advantage of the situation. Kate laughs in his face. Dawson says with a wry smile, "And you find that humorous." Kate says that she barely knows him, but she knows that isn’t him. She continues to give him guff, which prompts him to walk off and address the heavens (no, really) as to why he can’t just once have a good time. "Quit whining," Kate tells him -- woo hoo! -- before adding that "there are people dying in the Balkans." Word, sister. Dawson tells her to shut up. Kate points out, as someone apparently must in each episode, that if Dawson actually acted instead of talking, then he might "see some results." Dawson rolls his eyes and asks what that means, and Kate says that he shouldn’t take a girl into the woods and talk to her about kissing her -- he should just kiss her. Dawson doesn’t believe it’s that simple. Kate says it is. Dawson advances on her, but just as he moves in for the kiss, she cringes. He stops just short of her face, and she tells him, "Hold that impulse." Then she turns away from him and hurls, quite noisily, as Dawson mutters to himself, "Perfect." HA HA HAAA! Again, word. Enter Deputy Doug to shine his flashlight in Dawson’s face.
Jen comes home from her date. Grams remarks that she’s home early, and Jen refers to "the date from hell." Grams calls it "something for you and Henry to laugh about on your second date," and Jen doubts they’ll have a second date, and Grams protests, "Because of just one sour evening?" Jen remarks that "sour" understates the case rather dramatically. Grams says Jen needs to let go of her preconceptions about what dates are supposed to be -- dates are moments, pearls, blah, more blah, a fishcake or two, and I love Grams but I lost her there. Jen cuts Grams off with her customary lack of respect and informs her that Henry has landed in the hospital because he sold his blood to buy Jen a ring, and the ring doesn’t even fit: "Sweet, yes. Adorable, sure. Grammar-school, definitely." Grams comments that Henry isn’t terribly sophisticated, and Jen says that’s what bugs her -- why does he do all those things if it doesn’t come to him naturally? Grams says that perhaps Henry thinks that’s what Jen wants. A small lightbulb goes on over Jen’s head.
The police bust the kegger. As other kids stagger about, making their escape, Pacey -- lying on an angle on a branch, funnel to his lips, in the most genuine portrayal of a high-school beer bust yet on this show -- shouts, "Guys! Yo, guys! What, did I do it wrong? Hello!" From Pacey’s upside-down POV, we see Deputy Doug walk up and shine his light into Pacey’s eyes.
Dissolve from that light into the light in the Capeside clink. The gang lounges around in a cell as Kate asks if they "party like this every weekend," because she hasn’t had this much fun in a long time. "I am so over my ex-boyfriend right now," she finishes, and Jack says he’s glad to hear that, because there’s something he really thinks she needs to know. "You’re annoying," Jack says, "and I want you to shut up. And now, I will take Sars for my bride." Oh, fine, so he doesn’t say that. Andie cuffs him on the shoulder and says, "You are not going to tell her in an enclosed space." Subtle, Andie. But -- heh. Kate says she heard that and asks what she needs to know. Andie cringes as Jack says he knows it’s not the best time, but . . . he turns to Kate, who says she knows "what this is -- you’re not over me, are you, Jack?" Oh, good grief. "No, no, th-that’s not it," Jack mumbles, and continues to bumble along as Kate looks taken aback, and then she perks up in realization and says, "Oh my god. You’re gay, aren’t you?" Jack stares at her. Andie looks at Pacey fearfully; Pacey gives her a "don’t look at me" look. Dawson and Joey just stare at Jack and Kate. Kate half-laughs and says, "But we had --" "Yeah -- yeah, we did," Jack says, so I guess now we know who he slept with. "And you were good," Kate adds, and Andie gets an "ew, TMI" look on her face as I yell at my TV, "Oh, you just HAD to throw THAT little tidbit in, didn’t you!" Jack, without missing a beat: "Thanks, but that doesn’t really have any bearing on our current situation. I’m still gay." Ha! I can’t really do justice to Jack’s tone of voice, but it was pretty funny. Kate asks Dawson if he is also gay. Dawson snorts in the negative; Kate asks if he’s sure, "because apparently only gay guys will kiss me."
Joey turns to glare at Dawson: "You kissed her?" Dawson rolls his eyes as Kate says that Dawson started to kiss her, but she upchucked before he had the chance. "What were you thinking?" Joey asks Dawson accusingly. Um, maybe that this doesn’t concern you, Sister Christian? Jesus, take a pill already. Dawson says that for a moment there, he wasn’t thinking, and it felt good. "To take advantage of a girl who was drunk, vulnerable, and clearly on the rebound?" Joey scoffs, because everyone knows that girls can’t take care of themselves or take responsibility for their own actions, ever. Shut. Up. Joey. Pacey stares at Joey dully as she trots out the "this isn’t you" chestnut for the umpteenth time, and Dawson cuts her off and says it’s not the Dawson she’s used to, maybe, but she has to let him "make some mistakes." Well, you’re off to a good start mistake-wise with that hair, D-man. Still, the man’s got a point. Pacey intones in a Casey Kasem voice, "Here we go again, kiddies, for the 476th time this hour, our number-one Billboard chart topper, ‘The Ballad Of Dawson And Joey.’" Dawson and Joey both turn to look at Pacey as he continues to drone about the will-they-won’t-they getting-back-together nonsense the two of them put the rest of the gang through. Kate giggles. Joey angrily tells Pacey to stay out of it as Dawson puts his hand over his eyes. Pacey apologizes in a tone of weary sarcasm for treading "on the sanctity of the Dawson-and-Joey dynamic," and goes on to say that he finds the way Joey treats Dawson "fascinating." Crap is fascinating? Joey snarls, "And how is that, Dr. Witter?" "Like he’s some weird, neutered little virginal creature," Pacey says contemptuously, and Dawson asks him, "What’s your problem?"
As Andie shoots him a worried look, Pacey says he doesn’t have a problem; he’s just the Greek chorus, "here to observe and interpret." Joey stands up and asks when Pacey got a mean streak. Pacey tells her to chill, that they’ve always argued, but Joey makes pouty reference to how he never made it "pointed" and "hurtful" before; Pacey says she shouldn’t take it so seriously, and Joey asks why she wouldn’t take it seriously, and says he’s said one nasty thing after another to her tonight. All of them deserved, in my opinion, but Little Miss Sour Grapes wants to know what she did to let herself in for such abuse. Pacey can’t believe she doesn’t get it, so he shrugs and says she didn’t do anything, adding, "The drunken lout in the corner just pleads sheer frustration," and he goes on to point out how tiring it is to have to watch Dawson and Joey do their non-dance all the time. Warming to his topic, Pacey bitches that one week they’re soulmates and the they’re giving each other up "for the greater good," and that he’d really like them to make up their minds, please, and he busts on "the reverence that you two treat this little saga of yours with, it’s enough to make a guy wanna puke," and as Joey and Dawson give him confused "whatever" looks, Pacey pretty much summarizes every gripe I’ve ever had with their inextricable intertwinement, and then he makes good on his word by speeyacking into the sink. Dawson closes his eyes, exhausted, and Joey sits down and sulks and pouts some more.
A quick break for ads, then Doug calls out, "All right! Everyone out." Over his shoulder, we see a tight-lipped Mitch "The Flash" Leery. Doug unlocks the cell, and the gang hustles past The Flash, not meeting his eye; The Flash gives Dawson a bemused look as his son’s giant cranium walks past. "Everyone, that is," Doug goes on, "except you, little brother," and he closes the door to the cell in Pacey’s face, suggesting that "it might be a good idea if you spend the night." Pacey looks quite sad and slinks away from the door in silence.
Jen visits Henry in the hospital. Henry’s room looks like the set of Family. They share a bit of stilted dialogue about the "miraculous healing power of Jell-O," which, along with LucasFilms, the Jack Daniel’s distillery, and of course American Eagle, must have paid a pretty penny to the producers. Henry apologizes. Jen apologizes too, and admits that she felt "anxious" about the date, which Henry doesn’t believe. She says she’s never had a date on Valentine’s Day, "let alone a first date," and tells a sob story about Chapin and her boyfriend taking out "the girl he really liked," i.e. not Jen, for V-Day; Henry doesn’t believe that either. Jen suggests that if they continue dating -- and she’d "like that" -- they act "more like ourselves and less like a couple in our thirties." They smile at each other. Henry asks if Jen wants him to return the ring, but she doesn’t, because it reminds her of him. Henry looks pensive. Jen helps herself to some Jell-O. More banter.
McPhee Manor. Jack asks Kate if she’s okay. She says yes, and says she’s realized "there’s something kinda cool about a relationship not working ’cause the guy turns out to be gay," that it’s sort of sad, but at least it’s not her fault. Strangely, my best friend and I have argued this very point many times, namely whether we’d rather get left for another woman or for another man. I always say "another man," because that means it doesn’t have anything to do with me, and Ernie always takes "another woman," because otherwise she’d question her own femininity. Anyway, Jack tells Kate that of course it isn’t her fault, and Kate says it isn’t Jack’s fault either, and Jack says he knows that. "Do you?" Kate asks. "Then why were you so afraid to tell me?" Jack didn’t want to upset her. Kate doesn’t buy that line and tells him he’ll have to do better than that. Jack explains that when he and Kate dated, he always felt that "there was something a little . . . off." Kate nods sympathetically as Jack goes on to say that he’s come a long way since then, but seeing her brought him back to a time "when I thought that the feelings that I was having were, were wrong," and he felt that if he told her, he’d disappoint her somehow. Kate says he could never disappoint her: "Gay or straight, you’re a world-class human being." She says she wanted to see him because it would take her back to a nice safe place, and she needed that this weekend. Jack hopes she "found it somehow." Kate says she did, and she’s glad she gets to go home knowing the real Jack. Jack kisses her on the forehead.
At the Bachelor Bungalow, formerly Estrangement Estates, The Flash gets stuff out of the fridge. Dawson just stands there before commenting rather rudely on the silent treatment the Flash is giving him. The Flash hops up on the counter with the product-placed Breyer’s and says he "was thinking." Yeah, right. The Flash remarks that Dawson’s had quite a year, which started with "a wrecked boat and a wild party," and that he was angry about that. Dawson interrupts to tell him all portentously that he’s "trying to get back to the basics of being a kid." Excuse me while I light a black cat firecracker and aim it into my left eye. KABLAM! Ah, much better. Dawson yammers some more about the inextricable linkage between kids his age and parties, and The Flash says he doesn’t have a problem with Dawson going to parties; he does, however, have a problem with crashed boats, strippers on the kitchen table, and getting Dawson out of "the drunk tank" in the middle of the night. Dawson asks The Flash all patronizingly if he could just "chalk it up to youthful exuberance." "Yes, I can," The Flash says, eating a bite of ice cream. Dawson begins to thank his father but The Flash interrupts him with "I’m not finished." He says that since Dawson has decided to act like a kid, he’s left The Flash with no choice but to act like a parent. About freakin’ time, Daddy-o. The Flash continues that, until Dawson chooses a path for himself, "I’ve chosen one for ya." The ugly truth begins to dawn on Dawson, and he asks what that means, and The Flash informs him that his mother has bought a restaurant. Dawson starts to pout that he didn’t know that, but The Flash ignores him and says that Dawson will work for his mother at the restaurant, doing whatever chores she needs done, "after school, evenings, weekends, whatever," and Dawson will do this, The Flash says, "until you begin to understand that suddenly deciding to be a kid doesn’t give you license to be reckless and irresponsible. Good night, son." Dawson’s nostrils flare out as he realizes that The Flash has finally, finally stepped up to the plate and grounded his XXXL ass. Oh, BURN!
The jail. Doug comes into the cell with two mugs of coffee, proffers one to Pacey, and comments, "You were in rare form tonight." Pacey takes a mug and mutters, "How bad do I suck, huh?" Doug asks what’s up. Pacey tries to blow the question off, but Doug reminds him that he found Pacey "hanging from a tree getting completely wasted." Doug presses, "So what is it, a girl or something?" Pacey snorts unconvincingly and says no. "Okay, so it’s a girl. Who is she?" Doug asks. Heh. Pacey doesn’t want to talk about it. Doug says okay and starts to leave, but Pacey begins ranting about Joey -- she’s opinionated and annoying, she’s really smart and knows how to argue, she’s pretty, "the kind of pretty that gives you butterflies." Doug inserts little understanding comments, and then says sagely, "Never lose the butterflies." Pacey turns to look at Doug all "huh?" and Doug says that getting older sucks, because at some point you just lose the butterflies. Then Doug asks what Pacey is going to do about "it." Pacey says he can’t, that if he actually did something, the sun wouldn’t shine, the tides would cease, blah blah blah soulmate-cakes, and he gives a shout-out to Buffy by using the word "hellmouth." Doug tells him that, in his experience, you don’t find many people who give you butterflies, and if Pacey doesn’t tell the girl in question how he feels, "it’ll be like spending the rest of your life in your own personal prison." Pacey thanks Doug. Doug smiles. Wow, they actually behaved like brothers there. How novel.
Potter B&B. Pacey approaches the porch with trepidation, goes up the steps, and knocks at the door. Joey, in her bathrobe, opens the door, and when she sees Pacey she starts to close it again right away, but Pacey asks her to hold on. Joey puts a hand on her hip, purses her lips, and waits self-righteously for an apology she hasn’t come close to earning, but Pacey apologizes anyway, quite sincerely. Joey confesses that she "was worried about you too, Pacey." Pacey asks why. Joey says that the Dark Prince himself could lead Dawson into hell and Dawson would come out unscathed (must have something to do with the giant head), but Pacey -- she trails off, then says, "Maybe I think that nobody’s worrying about you right now." That doesn’t make any sense, but Pacey looks touched by the sentiment, not to mention lovestruck; he covers by asking if, given the antagonism of their relationship, that’s her way of expressing concern for him. "You gotta learn to read between the banter, Pacey," Joey tells him. An awkward silence ensues, during which Joey just stands out on the porch. In her robe and a t-shirt. On Cape Cod. In February. Joey asks, "So are we all finished here?" Pacey says no, actually, "there’s something else," that he’s "been meaning to tell" her something, and he walks over to her and starts, "Joey," but faced with her quizzical look, he loses his nerve and tells her she’s lingering on the clutch. Geddit? Driving? He offers to teach her how to do it. "Now?" she asks, smiling. "Yeah," he says, smiling. She says okay.
Cut to the truck, hitching slowly down the driveway as Pacey calls out, "Shift!" and Joey successfully changes gears and says, "I did it!" and Pacey says yes, she did, and congratulates her, adding, "Now we’re getting somewhere," and as we fade out, a lost ovary warbles something about changing and never being the same again.