Props to KR, Strega and Sars.
Following the usual televisual Cliff's Notes, tonight's episode opens with Pacey "Dobler" Witter crossing the threshold of the Sanctum Dawsonorum, saying that he came over as soon as he got Dawson's message. Dawson "All-Bran" Leery is pacing the floor manically, I guess as a physical indication that he is, as he says, "freaking out" because it's almost midnight, he's about to turn sixteen, which is not, in his mind, the "major turning point" Pacey believes it to be. Au contraire, Dawson says, "I am eternally lost as a species on this planet." Note to the writers: Stringing a bunch of 25-cent words together nonsensically is not the best way to denote a character who ostensibly has an intellect advanced beyond his years. Dawson's last line didn't even approach meaning. Pacey rightly predicts that "this is going to be bad." Dawson continues: "I'm about to be sixteen years old in a matter of minutes and I am still me -- the same whiny, adolescent, big-talking, little-doing loser that I was a year ago." Pacey starts to disagree, but Dawson -- and all the readers of this site -- shout him down and, for once, take Dawson's side as he goes on while gesticulating wildly with, for some reason, an artificial arm: "It's absolutely true. Think about it. Every single person that I know is growing up and moving forward in some way. All right, Joey is busy finding herself, you've got this whole stable, do-gooder boyfriend thing happening, Jen...is...not necessarily moving forward but at least she's moving. Even my parents are starting new lives! And me, I'm in the exact same place that I was last year at this time." As Dawson heads into the closet -- and hey, that would be a move forward -- Pacey tells him again that turning sixteen is cause for rejoicing. Dawson remains unconvinced: "There doesn't seem to be anything ahead of me but more of the same. I'm stagnant; no wonder Joey dumped me. The only thing that I accomplished last year was realizing my feelings for her [which was really more of a discovery than an accomplishment, if you ask me], and I couldn't even hold on to her. She dumped me. For a gay guy. And can we please talk about this whole gay guy/straight woman thing? There's gotta be something going on there that we're not seeing." I'd venture to suggest that gay guys generally know how to style their hair and thus are more presentable in public, but whatever. Pacey sarcastically -- and rather wearily -- agrees that it's all part of the evil gay plan to keep the species from repopulating itself. Dawson tells him he should keep a close eye on Andie, rather an insensitive remark in light of the fact that her brother is the "gay guy" in question. Pacey tells Dawson that he needs to stop looking for answers to life's questions in the movies: "What you need to do is figure out what it is that you want, and make it happen. Okay? Be definitive." Dawson agrees, and squeezing a disembodied head in his hand (presumably a prop from his first movie) makes him realize that "Joey is the answer. I had her, I lost her, and now I'm going to get her back. How's that for definitive?" As Paula Cole's vocal stylings swell in the background, he tosses the head to Pacey and takes off in his coat. Where is a sixteen-year-old going to go at midnight? Damn permissive Cape Cod parents.
Sadly, we never do learn where he went, because the scene is set in the kitchen on the morning of Dawson's birthday. The Flash has something on the stove as Bride of Flash wanders in wearing some rather fetching white pyjamas and a perfect (for her) coif. She crosses her arms upon seeing him and crankily utters, "Mitch." The Flash says, "Hey, you remember my tradition of cooking Dawson breakfast on his birthday, right?" She answers, "Well, of course. I just thought that --" At that moment Dawson comes in and greets his "Dad!" The Flash says, "You didn't expect me to forget, did you? The usual, for our regular customer," and hands him a plate. Dawson thanks him, and adds, "I must say, it's nice to have a bit of tradition this morning." The Flash says that reminds him that he has to speak to his erstwhile bride about "birthday present stuff -- highly classified," and they depart for the porch. The Flash starts out reminding the Bride that they usually buy Dawson joint birthday presents, but she cuts him off, telling him that he's "a little late" because she's already bought Dawson his birthday present: "I'm giving Dawson his first car tonight. An Explorer[!]." The Flash tells her that that's a big decision, and asks whether it isn't one they could have made together. Dawson, not so far away, keeps shooting furtive glances in the direction of the porch as Bride of Flash starts nagging the Flash about the bills -- slightly ironic in light of her announcement two seconds earlier of the purchase of a new car, besides which I never really had the impression that the Flash represented a significant cash infusion before the separation, but whatever. The Flash says, "I know that I should contribute more financially." The Bride of Flash scoffs. The Flash goes on: "And I've put the restaurant plans on the back burner, and I've looked into substituting at the high school." Dawson's ears prick up at this, and he kind of smirks. The Flash adds, "I will help out more as soon as I can, but still -- a car? That's a pretty extravagant gift for a sixteen-year-old." At this the scene ends, which I guess means that we're supposed to come away from it feeling like Dawson's parents are so selfish that they've even ruined his birthday with their petty bickering about money. In fact, what I come away with is that Dawson is one spoiled brat and that the Bride of Flash could have at least had the decency to get him a used car, or a Geo or something. [Note: The author, age 24, has never owned a car and currently drives a 1991 Dodge Colt owned by her husband.]
Over at the Ice House, Pacey and Joey "Grace Adler" Potter are going over the plans for Dawson's surprise party that night, at the No-Fault Hacienda. Joey is worried that the party won't be that great. Pacey tells her it will, and that "from now on, the Leery house will be known as the Delta House of Capeside." Joey adds that she doesn't know why she's so nervous, and starts chit-chatting about parties, only to stop dead when Jack "Fierstein" McPhee enters the room. Jack registers her discomfort, looks behind him at Pacey -- who smiles -- then moves off without speaking. Poor Jack. Pacey says, "Listen, Joey, not to pry or anything, but how are you doing with the whole Jack thing? I mean, now that you've had some time to process." Joey rolls her eyes and says, "God, everyone keeps asking me that in these solemn tones, like I've just come down with a terminal disease or something. Pacey, the fact is, Jack is the one who's going through something. Yeah, I admit, at first, it was obviously a shock, but, look, I'm fine. Really." She walks away. Um, yeah, that was convincing. Not.
Outside -- which somehow manages to look somewhat cold -- Jack is putting condiments out on tables. A sing-songy voice calls out Jack's name, and of course it is Abby "Kid Instigator" Morgan, with two never-before-seen confederates -- whom I'll call Grizelda and Anastasia -- actually walking a pace behind her. Abby's hair is done up in an indescribable configuration of ponytails that makes her look like a Manga escapee, and her companions are equally fashion victimized. Abby asks if they're serving lunch yet. Jack says they will be shortly and gives them some menus. Grizelda then asks Jack, "Aren't you that guy?...Yeah, the first guy to ever come out at Capeside?" She turns to Anastasia and explains, "He was the one who wrote the poem." "In the flesh," Abby confirms. Anastasia says, "Oh my God, you're the gay guy!" Abby introduces them to "Jack McPhee, Capeside's no-longer-ambiguous resident." Jack smiles uncomfortably. Grizelda says, "You know, I think it's so great that you came out and you're only sixteen. You know, I totally watched Ellen through that whole tumultuous year, and, well, she didn't even come out until she was, like, forty." Jack tries to change the subject by taking their drink orders, to no avail. Anastasia says, "You know I just realized? You are the first actual gay person I've ever met." Abby adds, "It is such a waste, actually, because you are a total babe." Jack says, "Yeah, well, I'd take that as a compliment if it weren't coming from Satan." Ooh, that's gonna leave a mark. And thank God someone on this show remembers that he hates Abby. Abby jumps up from the table as fast as her stumpy legs will allow and follows him, exclaiming, "Jack! You have got me all wrong; I am not even one of his helpers!" Ha ha, not. Jack says, "Yeah, well then I guess I better congratulate you on that clever disguise you've been wearing for the past couple of months." Abby says, "We got started off on the wrong foot. True, I may have been flawed [sic] in the past, but sometimes people can surprise you! I mean, you should know a little bit about that yourself." Jack evidently has no response to that, other than to glare at her disgustedly and walk off. Abby smiles diabolically. Glark says, "What, is she going to 'turn' him?"
Then we're in an office where an ersatz Blair Brown is acting as Andie's therapist. She tells Andie that she's obviously had a lot on her shoulders for someone her age, and orders her to have one night of imperfection. Whatever.
Back at the Ice House, Bessie is telling Joey that she can leave early, since she must want to get dressed for Dawson's party. Joey says it won't take her long to get dressed since there won't be anyone at the party for her to impress, and especially since she's "turned Jack off to women completely." Bessie says, without much conviction, "You know that's not true." Joey says, "Yeah, I know. It's not true. I mean, intellectually, I know that it has nothing to do with me. Bessie, what am I supposed to do now?" Bessie, God love her, says, "You paint. You concentrate on your art, and yourself. I mean, you broke up with Dawson because you wanted to find yourself. Then you went straight into a relationship with Jack. Maybe this is a chance for you to do what you set out to do. I mean, look -- any woman would be feeling the way you do right now, under the circumstances. I think you're handling it with an amazing amount of maturity." She hugs Joey, who says "Thanks." At that moment, Dawson comes bounding in and says he needs to talk to her. Bessie gazes after them as they walk out. Finally, Joey gets some good advice, and it's always nice when an adult hugs her, since she just doesn't get enough of that.
In Grams's kitchen, Ty "Tiresome" Hicks is wrapping Dawson's birthday present. Jen "My Bologna Has a First Name" Lindley makes some stupid comment about how they can add arts and crafts to his list of hidden talents. She goes to the sink, and then looks at his back for a moment, and he says he can feel her looking at him, and I ask Glark to go get me some Alka-Seltzer. They go on in this revolting line of inquiry for too long, and then start to smooch until Ty cuts it short with, "Morning. Kitchen Grams." Jen looks non-plussed.
Out on the docks, Joey is wearing a coat and a toque and commenting that it's so cold that she wishes it would snow. Hm, wonder where that came from, when just two weeks ago she was wearing t-shirts. Anyway, she asks Dawson if he remembers the way, when they were kids, they'd make a wish on the first snowflake. Dawson remembers feeling hopeful then. Joey says hope is good, and asks what he's hoping for. Dawson says he hopes they can get back to the way they were. Joey agrees, and says she's been working on getting their friendship back on track. Dawson stops her and, in full-on exuberant mode, says, "I'm not talking about just the friendship, Joey." Joey sighs and visibly steels herself for the awkward exchange which is sure to follow that opener. Dawson, predictably, goes on in willful ignorance of her "shut up" body language: "I can't deny the truth, which is plainly and simply, I want more. I want you back." "Dawson --" Joey says, trying to stop him before he gets too worked up, but it doesn't work, as he continues: "I was so confused last night, and then I finally realized the only thing that makes sense to me is you. And I know that it's still there between us -- I felt it during the whole Jack saga and I feel it right now, and I know that you feel it too because we're soulmates, Joey. You and I are meant to be. Period. The end. Cue happy ending music." Joey by now is shaking her head rapidly and with some irritation, she says, "No. Look, Dawson, do you remember why we broke up in the first place? It wasn't about you at all and it certainly wasn't about Jack. It was me. How I have things that I needed to figure out." Dawson says, "That you were willing to figure out with Jack but not with me." Exasperated, Joey says, "No, Dawson, we can't talk about this -- you know why." Dawson is all up in her face and angrily says, "Joey, if you and I were not meant to be together, then I don't know anything." And since he feels that a little non sequitur is the last element missing from this delightful exchange, he adds, "I wouldn't count on snow today."
Okay, between the "things coming together" Jetta ad set in New Orleans, and the Jetta ad where Boo-boo comes to pick up his grandfather at the nursing home and take him to Las Vegas, Volkswagen should put its ad agency on permanent retainer. On the other hand, the less said about Slim Jim's ad agency, the better. And I like the music in that soccer-themed Adidas ad.
Over at the No-Fault Hacienda, preparations for the party are underway, and Joey muses to Bessie that there's not much point in her throwing a birthday party for someone who hates her right now. Bessie says that Dawson will probably be in a great mood by the time he gets to the party.
Then we cut to Sheriff Witter's cop car, where Dawson is giving Bessie the lie by scowling with intense determination. Andie is sitting in the back, all but bouncing up and down with nervous energy, saying how excited she is to be in the back of a police cruiser, and suggesting that they turn on the siren. Indulgently, Pacey opines that that wouldn't be such a good idea. Andie pouts at him and then starts making siren noises herself and says, "So this is what it's like when they cart you off to prison, huh?" Dawson morosely says, "Depends. There's more than one kind of prison. There's [sic] the state-regulated ones, and then there are ones that you're trapped in when your life is going nowhere and everyone else around you seems to be moving forward." Excuse me while I break out the world's tiniest violin and start playing that old standard, "Shut Up," on it. Pacey says, "Took a happiness pill this morning, did we, Dawson?" Dawson says, "No, just a strong does of bleak reality. No offense, but have you noticed that my only birthday plans are to play third wheel to my friend and his girlfriend?" Pacey basically tells him to shut up since it's his birthday and he should focus on the positive. Andie screeches, "Stop the car!" The car squeals to a halt and Pacey asks what they hit. Andie says they didn't hit anything, but she just "saw a really cool place back there." Pacey turns around and says, "Okay, Andie? Could we keep this impulsive streak that you're trying to indulge tonight from killing everyone in this car? Please? Honey?" Andie says, "Doctor's orders! Remember, Pacey? You promised me I could cut loose tonight." Pacey agrees that he did and turns the car around.
Elsewhere, Jack approaches the No-Fault Hacienda with evident nervousness, and a new hairstyle reminiscent of either Noah Hunter or Tintin. Unfortunately, Abby and her two minions are loitering just inside the door. One of Abby's cronies tells Jack he looks "amazing!" Abby says, "It's like the transformation from John-Boy to John-John was all in a jar of Dippity-Do!" Jack downplays it and tries to get away from them, but Abby won't let him escape: "I guess you get gay, you get style. I wish I'd nabbed you one sexual preference ago." Jack makes a whatever face and leaves.
Elsewhere in the Hacienda, Jen is putting her huge present on a table and as Ty comes up behind her, they continue their stupid test of whether Jen can tell when Ty is watching her. Whatever. Once again, they get to kissing, and once again, Ty makes Jen cool her proverbial jets, only this time she calls him on it. Ty says, "Hey, it's just that we've been getting closer, you know?" Jen says, "I know, it's called dating." Ty says, "I realize that, but when does it...stop?" Jen says, "You're kidding, right?" Ty says, "Jen, you...you turn me on, and the closer we get, the more you. Turn. Me. On." Jen says, "That's not such a bad thing." Ty says, "All I'm saying is that it's possible that things could get out of hand." Jen smiles and moves in closer, putting her arms around his waist, and says, "Really? How 'out of hand'?" Ty says, "I'm serious." Jen says, "I mean, we've barely made out and already you're worried about things going out of hand? Sweet. In a very 1956 sort of way." Ty says, "Really? Well, how 1956 is this?" and kisses her some more. Whatever.
Evidently the location budget is tight because the "cool place" for which Andie made Pacey turn around is Ty's beloved nightclub. Andie sits and takes off her jacket to reveal a strappy red dress with a plunging neckline, and a decolletage liberally coated with body glitter. Pacey expresses his appreciation for Andie's new look by saying, "Who are you and what have you done with my girlfriend?" She says she was always there, only "trapped beneath the bondage of Gap clothing and a good-girl complex." Andie says that she plans to let her "id out to breathe some fresh air for the evening." Dawson asks her to explain what the id is, and she says, "It's the part of you that holds your purest impulses and desires, and it doesn't judge or care what anyone thinks; it just wants what it wants." Dawson, characteristically, manages to make even ANDIE'S THERAPY about him, by remarking that he could stand to give his id free rein for a while too: "I mean, look at me. I'm sitting in a bar and drinking straight Coke." Andie suggests that they do it together. Pacey gets up to go to the washroom, and the waitress comes back to their table. Andie tells her she'll have another Coke, and says that the bartender should put more rum in it this time. Dawson follows her lead, and says that he could "hardly taste the rum in mine." The idiot waitress can't tell that they're five years underage, and complies with their request without asking for ID. Andie asks if Dawson has ever drunk alcohol before; he says he hasn't, and neither has she. Oh, the comic possibilities of this scenario will be like nothing ever seen before on television! I can't wait! (Not.)
Back at the party, Jack is standing out on the porch when Abby steals up behind him and asks, "So! How does it feel to be the one that set this little hamlet on its heels?" Jack says, "Look, why do you keep talking to me? I don't like you, Abby." Abby says, "That's 'cause no one likes me. I'm an outcast. Welcome to the club." Jack makes a dismissive noise like, "Meh." Abby says, "This whole thing is just so ridiculous. There's no such thing as 'gay' anyway. Just this weird label people came up with to persecute the normal inclination to go both ways." Um, I know a couple of people who could disprove that notion pretty convincingly, but whatever. Jack says, "What do you mean?" Abby says, "Well, we're all bisexual, don't you think? We're all just sexual animals under God. This puritanical society would make you think our natural impulses are something to be ashamed of, when it's really those kinds of attitudes that are the embarrassment. Don't you think?" Jack says nothing, and I just don't have the energy.
Back at the bar, some very untalented woman is eviscerating "Fever" on the stage, and Dawson and Andie are ordering another round. Clueless Pacey asks how many Cokes they're going to swill tonight, and neither Andie nor Dawson brings him up to speed on their beverages of the night. The woman wraps up "Fever," and an MC announces that it's open-mike night and invites anyone else to come up on stage. Unfortunately for my stomach lining, Andie suggests that she and Dawson should step up since they know a little something about the blues. No, actually, Dawson knows a lot about bitching, and nothing about music, but this doesn't deter them from drunkenly lurching onto the stage and utterly embarrassing themselves for four long, long, long verses which I will not dignify by transcribing here; the only noteworthy line of the song is when Dawson reveals that he's aware of the surprise party. Suffice it to say, it never should have happened in a just world, and I have blocked the memory of it, and if Dawson ever sings again, I will kill myself. ["Girl, GET in LINE." -- Sars]
So, in the aftermath of the singing debacle, Pacey tries to get Dawson and Andie out of the bar and over to the party, but they rebuff him; when he takes a swig of Andie's drink, he figures out why. The waitress returns to the table, Dawson tries to order another rum and Coke, but the waitress says she can't until she sees some ID. Andie drunkenly announces their age, tells the waitress she's broken the law, mentions that Pacey's dad is the sheriff, and blah blah blah fishcakes, Pacey hustles them out of there.
Back at the no-longer-surprise party, the Flash comes into the kitchen where Bride of Flash is puttering around. He tells her (as she pays him virtually no attention) he saw the car in the garage, and that it's "very beautiful. Quite a gift. Of course, I always thought Dawson's first car would be something like I had when I was a boy -- you know, some kind of jalopy or something. Of course it's your decision." "Jalopy"? Bride of Flash notes that a lot of things that came with this marriage are her decision these days, "except, of course, the decision about the marriage itself." Yeah, whatever.
Then we cut to the Explorer in the garage, which actually has a big red ribbon around it, like, cliché much? As the camera leans in closer to the car, a meaty little hand presses itself to the steamed-up window inside. Oh, sweet God in heaven, that hand belongs to Jen, as we see when the camera cuts to the Explorer's interior, where Jen and Ty are rather noisily making out. Way to sex up your ex-boyfriend's new car before he even gets to put his own ass in it. As Jen leans in, Ty pulls back again and says, "We have to stop. I can't do this." Jen more or less climbs off him and arranges her clothes with evident frustration. Ty says, "I'm sorry, Jen." Jen says, "You should be." Ty looks all wounded and says, "Well, this is not entirely my fault." Jen, thank God, demands, "Oh, really? What role am I playing in your personal inner struggle?" Ty yelps, "You're tempting me!" Jen glares at him disgustedly and rightly answers, "That's a load of crap!" Ty protests with all the vigour a milquetoast can muster: "I'm sorry Jen, but as attracted as I am to you, I don't believe in pre-marital sex, and no matter what you say or do, is [sic] not going to convince me that it's right!" Jen spits, "Who said anything about sex?" climbing over him and getting out of the car. Ty clambers after her trying pitifully to justify himself: "Jen, I just mean that it's perfectly clear that with your history, kissing isn't just kissing! It leads to other things!" With fire in her eyes, Jen laces up Grams's special ass-kicking shoes: "My 'history'?" Ty says, "Jen, we're types of people. And just as I'm likely to be found in church on Sunday..." Jen concludes, "I'm more of a Saturday night slut." Ty says, "I didn't say that!" Jen replies, "Then how come I have never felt more like one?" and stomps off. Yeah, that shut him up. Take that to church on Sunday, why doncha.
Inside the house, Abby struts predatorily toward Jack, making some idle chat about Dawson's being late for his own party. Jack, clearly intent on other subjects, asks: "Do you really think it's true what you said earlier, about everyone having bisexual inclinations?" Abby says, "Oh, absolutely!" and leads the way to Dawson's room, where she continues, "You know, the Dawsons and Joeys of this world are mature in other ways, but with all the time they spend contemplating their navels, you'd think they'd be a little more open to the possibilities." Jack hikes up his shirt and regards his navel, commenting, "Yeah, you know you're right. There's a whole world of possibilities in here." "In here too," Abby giggles, doing likewise with her shirt and navel, and then sitting on Dawson's bed. Jack says, "Maybe you're not Satan after all. Of course, I don't think Satan has a belly button." Ha ha, not. Abby coos, "Well, us outcasts have to learn to stick together." They gaze at each other. Oh, poor Joey.
Elsewhere, poor Joey descends a staircase with a bowl as Dawson staggers into the house yelling, "Surprise!" Andie follows closely behind, also staggering and yelling. As they head into the crowd, Joey leans into Pacey and mutters, "You're late. This party is a total disaster." Pacey replies, "I know. Don't get me started." Joey asks, "Are they...?" Pacey says, "Yes. They are. Rum and Cokes. They got past me." As if to demonstrate precisely why underage drinking is a horrific problem, Dawson and Andie jump up on the dining room table and start sort of dancing in a singularly appalling display of gracelessness. Joey and Pacey very thoughtfully get them down, and Joey leads Dawson upstairs -- before his parents see him -- with a cup of coffee, telling him that it probably won't do any good. Dawson croons, "I got the blues, Joe. Do you know anything about the blues?" A very irritated Joey answers, "More than I care to." She pushes open the door to Dawson's room and sees Jack making out with Abby. She looks stricken and drops Dawson, who bursts out laughing uproariously. Abby smiles kittenishly. Dawson breaks into his blues riff and, despite my emphatic advice, decides to add another verse to his opus: "The guy I was talking about / Who said he was gay / He got a new hairdo and he decided to swing both ways!" At this he falls down on the bed. Abby laughs, and Jack and Joey stare at each other in shock. Jack says, "Joey," and starts to get up. Joey says, "I can't deal with this," and takes off back down the stairs. Jack runs after her but stops on the landing, where Grizelda and Anastasia are parked, waiting for Abby's return. As Jack stares, presumably, after Joey's departing figure, Abby joins her comrades, purring, "Not so gay anymore." Before making his dramatic exit, Jack says, "I'm more gay than ever." You go, boy!
Dawson teeters into the kitchen. The Bride of Flash is putting his cake -- which is decorated to look like one of those movie clapper deals with "Our Hero" somewhat misguidedly written on it -- on the table and says she was just about to call him. Dawson says, "Time to make a wish?" Bride of Flash, acting like no mother who ever lived (with the possible exception of Bebe Buell), quietly asks, "Dawson, honey, have you been drinking?" Sadly, this opens the door for Dawson's "dramatic" display of a drunken lack of inhibition in front of all his gathered friends and well-wishers.
It hurts me to do transcribe his ramblings -- and in order to spare myself, I'm trying to ignore the wild flailing of his arms -- but this is what he says: "Time to make a wish okay. Make a wish. A wish. I wish that my mom never slept with her co-anchor. I wish that my father could stop talking about getting a job and actually go out and get one. And I wish that the two of you would stop your petty bickering and at least pretend to be the adults around here. I wish that my best friend Pacey would just end this transformation into do-gooder, 'A' student and all-around sanctimonious teen angel and just go back to doing what he does best, which is make me feel good about my life because his is supposed to be worse. [I have to interject here that even as Dawson has been on the earthbound side of the Pacey/Dawson teeter-totter, he has still managed to remain the most sanctimonious prig on this or any show. Just so that's clear.] And there's Jen Lindley with her drunkenness [at this Jen glances around quickly in horror, as if to say, "Hey, pot. It's Dawson. You're black."] and her revolving boyfriends, and her wild, wicked ways. I wanna party with you! Ah, and there's Jack McPhee. Jack McPhee, who likes guys but doesn't mind stealing my girlfriend. Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, starring in his very own version of In & Out. He's in, he's out. He's in, he's out. He's in, he's out. In, out! Nice hair, by the way. And then, of course, there's my Joey. My sweet, precious Joey. The only sixteen-year-old in the world who needed to find herself. You know what? That's okay. I accept that. You need to find yourself, and I accept that. [At this point, Dawson starts crawling around the room and calling out, "Joey? Joey?" as if he were trying to find her in the room. Joey glares at him as if to say, "Ha ha, not."] There she is! It's my Joey! Joey!" and then he grabs her and kisses her somewhat intrusively, at which she throws him off her and head first into the cake. Awwww yeah.
10 Things I Hate About You. Only ten? Sorry, you're not trying.
we get the standard youthful drinkers' remorse scene, more graphic than I would have liked, as Dawson and Andie vomit into the sink and toilet, respectively. Um, sorry, shouldn't they be upchucking in separate bathrooms? And shouldn't Pacey the teen angel be standing by holding Andie's hair?
Elsewhere, the Bride of Flash comes out on the porch to see the Flash sitting there. He asks her if they've completely ruined their son's life. She says that he's sixteen years old, and doesn't the Flash remember being sixteen years old? He says he does, "all too well." She says she's taking the Explorer back to the dealer the day. He suggests that they go in together on an old car. She talks about financing and then says that Dawson could learn a little something about mistakes. He says they're all learning something about that. Whatever.
Joey is standing way in front of the house as Jack comes up and says hi. Sars wonders why she didn't just go the hell home already. Joey says, "You know, it's bad enough that I organized the world's worst surprise party, Jack, but...Abby? I mean, after what she did to your family and everyone else...I guess I just thought that if you were going to go straight again, you would have chosen someone like Cindy Crawford or something." Jack says, "Everyone's been telling me how okay they are with me coming out -- you, Pacey, that overzealous guidance counselor..." Joey says, "Sorry for being so accepting. Would you rather everyone just turned against you?" Jack says, "No, it's just that she was saying some things tonight that made me feel like I was just like everybody else. I guess I saw what I could have become from this whole thing -- somebody on the fringes like Abby." Joey reluctantly asks, "So if we hadn't walked in...?" Jack says, "I still would have stopped. I realized from the minute that I started that I was...that I am gay." Joey looks away, and says, "Well you know, Jack, I think everyone feels alone and wants to be normal, and I don't think anyone ever really does [sic]." Jack says, "I don't want to be singled out, like I have some scarlet 'G' on my chest -- the Ellen of Capeside." Joey says, "We're all going through the painful process of growing up. I mean, you just have this extra layer of difficulty. But you're incredibly lucky to have people who support you. Just don't lose sight of that." Jack breathes, "Yeah. I guess the thought of being gay just seemed like such a lonely thought. I just don't to end up alone." Nice, subtle job by both actors there.
Aw yeah. Jen steps onto Grams's porch, sees Ty sitting there and stops, putting her hands in her pockets and regarding him expectantly. Ty says, "I don't think we should see each other anymore." Jen coolly says, "So, you waited on a freezing cold porch to tell me what was perfectly clear two hours ago?" Ty says, "I just need to explain myself." Jen says, "You know what? You don't. It's simple. You have natural, God-given impulses that everybody in your life has told you are wrong to follow. And so instead of growing your own conscience you prefer to drag me through your grief and I'm not going to stand for it." Ty says, "Jen, Jen, you need to understand that all my life has been about the Church. The teachings, the beliefs -- they're all I know." Jen says, "Okay, so let me see if I have this straight. You're a Christian. But you like to booze it up, and you like to party, right? And you judge people for being gay. You go around acting like heterosexual sex is the way of the Lord, but you won't actually have heterosexual sex." She starts to go inside, but he stops her with: "I know it sounds complicated. I am struggling with the fact that I am a teenage guy with all the desires that go along with that -- desires that are in direct opposition of everything that I've ever been taught to believe. And when I'm with you, all sense of reason just flies out of my head, because you're so beautiful, and sexy, and I want you so badly! I am so sorry that I hurt your feelings tonight. Please understand that this is about me and it has nothing to do with you." Jen, kind of crying now, says, "Ty, this has everything to do with me. I liked you." Ty says, "I know." Jen says, "No, I mean I really liked you, and despite what you may think about my past experience, when I kissed you tonight, that wasn't my desire for something more -- it was for something pure, something that I haven't felt in a long time, but you ruined that." Ty stammers, "Maybe...maybe someday when I deal with my baggage, maybe this can work out." Jen holds back the tears long enough to spit, "Anyone who can make me feel like this doesn't deserve a maybe," and slams the door in his suck-ass face. Thus endeth Ty.
Then we're back in the Sanctum Dawsonorum, where Our Hero is lying on his bed staring at the ceiling. Joey comes in and asks how he's doing. He says he'll be fine once the room stops spinning. Okay, so by my count the only cliché of alcohol over-indulgence we haven't trotted out in this episode is hallucinations of pink elephants. Joey says she's sure he'll feel better in the morning. Dawson starts to apologize, but Joey cuts him off and tells him she forgives him, and she's sure everyone else will too, particularly since he was pretty much telling the truth anyway. Dawson chokes up and says, "I'm so lonely. I'm sixteen years old and I'm so hopelessly lonely." Tell it to Britney Spears, lightweight. Joey says, "Is that why you got drunk?" Dawson says, "Yeah. Joe, why did you break up with me and run straight to Jack?" Joey says, "Because he wasn't you. Look, it was never about looking for something better, Dawson. It was about looking for someone who wasn't so close to me, so I could tell where I ended and he began. I mean, our lives have always been so intertwined, in many ways I feel like you partially invented me, Dawson. And that scares me so much. I need to find out if I'm capable of being a whole person without you. I need to find out if I can be a whole person alone." Dawson says, "Do it quickly, okay? Because...God, I love you." This makes Joey and Dawson both close their eyes so that the tears can squeeze out in a picturesque manner. Joey breathes, "I love you too, Dawson," but he's already passed out. How romantic. Joey walks over to the window and sees that it's started to snow. And thus it came to pass that Wing Chun was convinced that the writers had started reading the wraps.