Man, it's been a long time since I've written one of these. Civilizations have arisen, fallen, and been rebuilt again. Species have gone extinct. I have felt my youth ebbing away like the tide. And always, always, the knowledge that I still have five Dawson's Creek recaps to write -- not to mention the season premiere -- has been hanging over my head like the Sword of Damocles. It is time that I slay the force that has held me captive. It is time to address Episode 108.
Oh yeah -- props to Jenga, Kim, and the lovely Sars.
Dawson "Mewling Muesli" Leery is moping at his window seat as Joey "Stalin" Potter tries a tough-love approach to get him over Jen "Pig from the City" Lindley: "You haven't eaten and you stare at Jen's house like it's going to disappear. And I've seen you at school. You spy. It's twisted. I mean, I'm almost afraid to ask what movie you brought back." With some shame, Dawson confesses it's "Sid and Nancy." If only that meant Dawson were planning a real-life heroin binge in homage to the doomed Sid! Joey tells him his movie choice proves that he's "getting off on this." Dawson gets off the window seat and starts flailing his arms about the room with all the grace of an ourangoutan on Quaaludes, and declaims: "It's tough to come up with creative moping strategies once I realized that everything I'm about is exactly what turned her off. It's not like I can learn to dance or get a new haircut or something." True, but trying something that doesn't make your head look like a particularly ornate loaf of bread might not hurt, regardless. Joey says, "Dawson, she dumped you. Not your belief system." Ouch, and ha! Dawson says, "She rejected romance, honesty and respect. Every time I see Billy outside of her house, I'm reminded of that." Joey exclaims, "Everything reminds you of her!" and wonders how that can be so, since Dawson has only known Jen for three months. Dawson doesn't know: "It just does." He flops down on the bed. Exasperated, Joey suggests that they just watch the movie, "'cause this conversation's becoming far too disturbing." Joey sits on the chair beside the bed and hits play on the remote; the image that comes on-screen is of Jen in her sundress, walking slowly toward the camera. Dawson groans and puts a pillow over his face. Joey leans over and puts her full weight on said pillow. Well, I wish she did; instead, she, along with North America, rolls her eyes and turns off the TV.
If only we knew whether or not Paula Cole wanted to wait for her life to be over.
Billy "Insignificant Other" Konrad carries a ladder to Jen's window and climbs up to her bedroom, which is empty. He picks up a picture off a table, sets it down, and lays down on the bed with his shoes on. Classy! Off-screen, Jen asks Grams "Terminatrix" Lindley whether she's seen Jen's green shirt. Also off-screen, Grams calls back that she thinks she saw it in Jen's closet. She walks into Jen's room, spots it, and calls, "You left it on the dresser." She picks it up and starts to go when she notices Billy on the bed. Without skipping a beat, she calls, "Jen, would you come up here now, please, and bring the telephone?" To Billy, she says, "And you would be?" Billy replies, "Quite comfortable, thanks." With a dry, cool wit like that, he should be on a failed Fox series. Unimpressed, Grams says, "I want a name." "Billy," he says. Grams says, "Billy! Oh yes. I've heard about you before." Jen comes in with the phone and immediately turns on Billy, demanding to know what the hell he's doing there. He says that the word's out she dropped Dawson, so he thought she might be looking for a suitable replacement. Grams says, "If he's not out of my house in two minutes, I'm calling the National Guard." Seems to me an exterminator would do the job nicely. To Jen, Grams adds, "And then I would like a serious word with you." As she walks out, Billy drawls, "Great to meet you." Hey, Billy? Shut up. Jen says she thought he was leaving. Billy says his car was packed, but then "word trickled down," and he thought he might "stick around a little longer." Jen says, "Well, then why don't I clarify things for you? Just because Dawson and I are on hiatus doesn't mean that there's some vacancy I'm looking to fill." Billy says, "Let's just say there happened to be this guy. Some guy you had a...[sic] intense connection with. Well, then, I might think you might be open to the possibility, right?" Jen says, "I'd have to say no. But I'd also like to add 'not a chance' and 'never again.'" Billy turns and walks to the window, but turns back and remarks, "You used to be fun, you know that?" Jen strolls toward him with her hands on her hips and shoots back, "No. I used to be weak and vulnerable." Billy says, "Yeah, well, time you alter your personality, let me know in advance. It'll save me the gas money." Having delivered this bon mot, he crawls out the window. Boy, caught between this idiot and the other idiot -- it's hard to imagine a less appealing choice for Jen to make.
Dawson walks to school and comes upon Billy's car, with Billy stretched out on the hood, eating an apple. Huh? Dawson advances on him with all the menace his Oompa-Loompish self can muster and whines, "You know, I'm beginning to doubt your sincerity when you tell me you're leaving." Ooh! That'll teach him to step on your turf! Billy climbs off the car and tells Dawson he's just the man Billy's been looking for. Dawson asks what he can offer this time: "A place to stay? Or just another chance to completely screw up my life?" Billy says, "You know, despite outward apparances, you and I actually have a lot in common." Oh, for God's sack. Dawson says, "Right. We both got our hearts broken by the same girl. But you know what? Jen didn't flee the state to get away from me." Billy replies, "Give her time." Ha!
Then he ruins it by trying to channel the doubting voices in Dawson's enormous head: "Man, if I lived fifty yards away from her, I swear to you, I'd go insane. I'd stare up at her window wondering what she's doing. She's talking on the phone -- who is she talking to? And if she's listening to music, who do those songs remind her of? Does she still think about me?" Dawson proves how little attention someone has to pay him in order to get on his good side, and completes Billy's thought: "And if so, does she think about me half as much as I think about her?" Billy says, "See? Common ground." Dawson turns back. All is forgiven. Please -- this guy needs a course in holding a grudge. Billy says that the good news is there's a simple cure for all of this. Dawson asks what. Billy says, "Jen is a great girl, but last time I checked she wasn't the only one. What are you, unconvinced? Look, take a little ride with me and let me illustrate my point." "Take a ride where?" Dawson asks, his native suspicion returning. Billy says, "Providence. There's this club there -- a bit of a dive, but absolutely remarkable in one respect: it lies exactly equidistant between a pair of women's colleges. Co-eds wall-to-wall, Dawson." "Co-eds"? What is Billy, from the '40s? ["Or Matt from Real World Hawaii?" -- Sars] Dawson asks if he'll be able to get in. Billy says he knows the bouncer. Without much conviction, Dawson says, "Of course, there's school..." Billy asks, "And what's waiting for you there? Another day wondering about Jenny? Where she is, when you'll see her ? What football player is she having lunch with?" "You made your point," Dawson snaps, and adds, "And you know what? You're right. This is exactly what I need: to get away from her. To get away from here. You know what? She's going to freak when I'm not there. It'd be good to let her wonder about me for a while." Wow, what an unexpected turn of events! Good thing Billy isn't the kind of person to propose this plan with an ulterior motive. No, wait. My bad. He's the opposite of that.
Elsewhere, some guy in a varsity jacket pulls up in a Jeep beside a walking-to-school Joey, and offers her a lift. Apparently his name is Warren Garry. She says she's waiting for Ted Bundy. He says Ted's a lucky guy. She starts to tell him who Ted Bundy was and he stuns her by already knowing. He says he needs a merit badge, and he plans to say she's eighty, and blind. She gets in. He asks if it's cold, or if she's just happy to see him. She stares at him in disbelief for a second, and then disgustedly says, "You had to do it. You had to live up to the expectations. Does it bother you to know that you single-handedly perpetuate a stereotype?" He asks which answer will result in their getting "friendly" down in the sand together. Joey says, "You know, if having sex with you would end famine, disease, and war, and if kissing you would bring on a new age of enlightenment --" He says, "You know what? You talk a lot." ["Um, writers? Please address that check for Jordan Catalano's dialogue to the production team of My So-Called Life. Thanks." -- Sars]
Joey gives him a look of naked contempt, and then turns away and glares out the window. "That's better," he says. Gross. He adds, "So, is that all you and your boyfriend Dawson -- and I use the term loosely -- do? Talk?" She tells him he doesn't need to use the term at all since he's not her boyfriend. Warren explains that "it was the 'boy' part [he] was referring to," and asks if Joey has ever seen Dawson throw a baseball. Okay, I don't even know why Joey is still in the car at this point, much less having this conversation, but anyway she informs him that there's no correlation between "a slider and a sperm count." Warren says, "How would you know? You're obviously a virgin." Joey looks embarrassed and disgusted in equal measure, but to cover, she asks, "How do you know that Dawson and I haven't been going at it for years? I mean, we could be annotating The Kama Sutra for all you know." Like this lunkhead knows the Kama Sutra from a pile of gravel. Joey goes on: "You know, I may be a virgin, but believe me, it's by choice." He nods dismissively.
Dawson and his new best friend Billy stroll the halls of Capeside High. Dawson says that Billy could have waited in the car. Billy says he won't tell anyone they're together. The first person they see is Pacey "Little Caesar" Witter, who asks Dawson what Billy is doing there. Dawson tells Pacey their plan to go clubbing in Providence. Pacey claps him on the shoulder and exclaims, "Finally! Dawson's evil twin. This has been a much anticipated pleasure." Pacey puts his books back in his locker and takes out his bag. Dawson asks what he's doing. Pacey says he's going with them. Billy, who has been chatting up a couple of co-eds throughout this exchange, strolls back over. Dawson wimpily indicates Pacey and meekly asks, "Billy?" Billy says, "Hey," and Pacey acts as if the question is settled. Dawson says he has to turn in his math homework and then "we're outta here." Pacey rolls his eyes as Dawson goes off and says, "Yeah. Walk on the wild side."
Jen and Joey turn a corner as Jen starts to tell Joey something she thinks Joey should know, and then spots Billy standing with Pacey at Pacey's locker. Jen stops dead and says, "At the risk of sounding redundant, what the hell are you doing here?" Billy says the boys had a few things to wrap up before they left. Pacey can barely contain his excitement. Jen asks what the hell he's talking about. Billy says, "I'm taking Pacey and your boy on a little road trip. Funny, but in the midst of all the confusion, Dawson and I actually stumbled upon some common ground." Evincing the instincts Dawson evidently lacks, Jen says, "I don't think I like the sound of this, Billy. The last thing Dawson needs is to be pulled down by you." Billy says, "I swear to you, Dawson was simply complaining about how a guy can't seem to get any around here, so I told him about this little place I know." Suspiciously, Joey asks, "What kind of place?" Billy says, "Well, let's just say the women take cash and are remarkably friendly." Incredulously, Joey demands, "You're taking him to a whorehouse?" Even Pacey looks concerned at this revelation.
Dawson appears down the hall, gesticulating in Billy's direction, who says, "Ah, there's his Holiness now. Well, girls, gotta run; I see St. Dawson's chomping at the bit." He starts to go, and Pacey pushes past Joey and Jen and quietly asks Billy, "We're not really going to --" Billy says, "Nah, I'm just kidding around." Jen tells Joey, "I know I've never really had a whole lot of faith in guys, but, I don't know, I just thought Dawson was different." Joey ruefully replies, "Yeah, he's different. Unfortunately, he's just not as different as we thought." This reminds Jen of what she was going to tell Joey earlier: "Joey, you know that football player, Warren?" Steeling herself for bad news, Joey says, "What?" Jen asks, "You didn't sleep with him, did you?" Joey says, "Yeah, I had sex with Warren Garry, right after I gave the sponge bath to the Navy pilots. Why would you even ask me that?" Jen tells her what we all could have guessed already: "He's telling everyone you did." The bell rings. Joey looks stunned.
On the ferry to the mainland, a dubbed-in Billy says he's going to get a drink, and Pacey tells Dawson that Dawson is not the type of person who does something bad just because it feels good. Dawson says, "That's an oxymoron to live by." Pacey asks if Dawson wants examples, and Dawson inarticulately flaps his arms in response. Pacey reminds Dawson that the first thing he did after announcing this road trip was to hand in his math homework, which is not exactly the action of a rebel. Pacey adds that there's nothing wrong with that: "You just care about what people think about you. You're 'that nice Leery boy' -- you like being the nice Leery boy." Pacey adds that Dawson is "a regular Richie Cunningham," and, "Billy -- he's the Fonz." "Congratulations," says Dawson drily, "that makes you Potsie." No, I don't know the point of that scene either.
Joey storms into the cafeteria, evidently on a mission. She walks up to Warren Garry's table, taps him on the shoulder, and says, "We need to talk." Warren addresses the other subhumans at his table, who chuckle. Warren pulls a snap off one of his friends and follows Joey while Jen watches nervously. Joey leans in and purrs, "It wasn't very memorable, Warren." "What?" he asks. "The sex," she replies. "In fact, I don't remember it at all. Why don't you refresh my memory?" Warren says, "It was actually pretty good, although you eventually complained of fatigue." Joey says, "What is going on in that twisted head of yours?" "Look," says Warren, in a deal-striking voice, "this could be a win-win." "Explain," Joey growls. "Our reps," he says: "I have one to live up to, you have one to...live down." Disgustedly, Joey asks, "What, and people think we're doing the deed is going to help my precious reputation?" Warren says, "Well, you know how in baseball there are major and minor leagues?...Think of this as your call-up to the show." Having lost all patience, Joey mutters, "You are such a bastard. If you're the major leagues, Warren, I hope I never get out of A-ball." She starts to walk off, but he grabs her arm and says, much more loudly, "Look, I never said I would be your boyfriend." All chatter in the cafeteria stops and every head turns to stare at them. Joey glances around, mortified, and marches out. Quiet catcalls from Warren's table greet her departure, as Jen leaps up and goes after her.
Jen finds Joey slumped on the stairs, and tells Joey she never believed it. Joey mutters, "Sure. That's why you asked." Jen says she only asked because she was concerned, but that she would have bet anything against it: "Besides...I always pictured you with someone different. Someone like..." Joey regards her silently. Jen concludes, "You know, just a different type." "Walking upright?" Joey asks. Gratefully, Jen chuckles: "Yeah! Opposable thumbs, the whole bit. And maybe someone even a tad more sensitive than Warren Garry." Joey ruefully remarks, "In my experience, even the sensitive ones can let you down with the best of them." Jen says, "Joey, maybe Dawson --" Joey snaps, "Look, I didn't say a thing about Dawson. And as far as Warren and his pathetic fantasies go, you know, what harm can the guy do? I mean, being called a football groupie could describe half the girls at this school, so it's not that big a deal." Jen says, "Joey, I may be overstepping my boundaries, here, but I think I know a way to get Warren back?" Joey asks if Jen knows how to make a voodoo doll or something. Jen says she's serious: "Guys like Warren have been getting away with this kind of stuff for way too long. So? What do you say, Joey? Are you interested in a little payback?" Reluctantly, Joey says, "Okay, I'm listening."
Back in Milwaukee, the Fonz is taking Richie and Potsie...no, sorry, my bad. The lads are still on the ferry, and Pacey is telling Dawson, "You know when cartoon characters are trying to make a decision, and a good angel pops up on one shoulder, and you've got the little devil on the other?...Well, I don't have a good angel, Dawson. I have you." Dawson says he's not interested in "the gig." "Gig"? Billy says, "I swear to God, you two sound like my parents." He glances over a railing at a couple of guys rocking a car with an anxious old lady inside, and says he's going to go "see what the Deliverance twins are up to." Pacey says, "Need I remind you again of the ill-fated toilet-papering of Coach Roland's house?" Dawson says, "There you go again, equating fun with youthful indiscretions." Pacey says, "'Youthful indiscretions'? What am I, running for the Senate? Okay, granted, Dawson, for high-minded conversation, you're the man. But generally speaking, you're better at verbiage than actual verbs." Rightly, Dawson asks, "Verbs?" Pacey says, "Yeah, action words. 'Revel.' 'Carouse.' 'Party.'" Dawson asks what year it was that "party" became a verb. Pacey says it was the year they entered high school: "You're just going to have to trust me on this one Sometimes friendship means taking part in stupid stuff. No judgments, no questions asked, and no deconstruction afterward." Dawson asks, with typical lack of self-awareness, "You don't think I'm capable of that?" Pacey says, "Let's just say I've seen no evidence to the contrary." I think he meant to say, "I've seen no evidence that you are [capable of that]," but whatever. Billy returns from his fact-finding mission to say that he doesn't like "those guys down there; they're harassing everyone from the seagulls to the senior citizens." Cut back to the same image we saw before, of a couple of hillbillies menacing the old lady's car. Pacey suggests that they treat them to a little "instant karma: maybe a banana in the tailpipe?" Billy says he was thinking they could just slash the hillbillies' tires. Dawson says, "Well, that's imaginative." Billy asks if Dawson has a better idea. Pacey says he'd love to see that. Dawson asks if they've seen American Graffiti. What, he's going to cruise these guys to death?
Back at school, Abby "Don't Get Too Attached" Morgan greets Joey as "Mrs. Warren Garry." Sadly, Joey says, "So you know." Abby says, "Well, it is news. And this is high school." Joey starts to fake-cry and says, "He swore he wouldn't tell, Abby. He told me he loved me." Abby says, "$100,000 Pyramid: Things Guys Say in the Back Seat." Joey says, "Yeah, well, you can add 'We Don't Need Protection' to that list." Abby starts to look concerned. Joey covers her face and says, "I am so stupid." Abby says, "Wait, what are you saying?" Joey starts to tell her story: "Well, he started off, you know, just calling all the time. He'd be so sweet. And one time he won me this stuffed frog at Coney Island and brought it back for me. The first time we made love, he cried." Incredulously, Abby asks, "Warren Garry?" Joey nods and says, "That was before the pee strip turned blue." "Blue?" Abby asks. Joey nods. Abby slams the door and asks, "Do you know what that means?" Joey says, "Yes, I do. Abby hisses, "You're pregnant?!" Joey querulously says, "I know!" Abby asks if Warren knows. Joey says, "He told all his friends it was my problem and mine only." "That little puke!" says Abby indignantly. Joey shrugs and nods. "That sorry puke!" Abby repeats, and stalks out. Joey smirks. (What else is new?)
On the ferry, Billy's "Deliverance twins" enjoy a couple of beers whilst, unbeknownst to them, Dawson fiddles with the undercarriage of their truck. Pacey and Billy try to watch, casually. Dawson attaches a chain from the edge of the boat to the bottom of the rednecks' truck. The ferry pulls in. Pacey moons the rednecks while Billy peels off the ferry. The guys in the truck floor it and the rear axle of the truck breaks off. Dawson hoots, seemingly unconcerned that his face is fully visible to the victims of his vandalism. Whatever.
In the bar, the boys play pool. Billy asks Dawson if he's picked out his "companion for the evening yet." Dawson says no. Billy tells him he has "to keep on top of these things," and remarks that Pacey probably hasn't let pool interfere with "business." Billy points out a couple of candidates he thinks are likely prospects for Dawson. These women are not visible to the viewer, so it's impossible to tell whether Billy has identified the ladies in the bar who are (a) deaf, and (b) blind.
At Capeside High, Mrs. Tingle is thanking a bunch of students for helping her set up the night's college fair, and says she'll see them all back in a couple of hours. As the students start to file out, Mrs. Tingle stops Joey and sits her down for "a word." Mrs. Tingle says that in a school this size, it's hard to keep secrets, and that girls Joey's age often make mistakes. Joey replies, "Yeah, well, boys have been known to make a few mistakes themselves." Mrs. Tingle agrees that's true, but says that the price boys pay for their mistakes seem to much less: "You're going to be going through some tough times ahead, and I want to be sure you're prepared." It seems that Mrs. Tingle wants Joey to enroll in the school's Family Living course. Joey says, "Wait. Isn't that the class where they make you carry around a sack of flour and pretend it's a baby?" Mrs. Tingle says that's only part of it, and that while what Joey's facing seems manageable now, child-rearing is filled with "trials and tribulations." Joey, evidently realizing that this game is not so much fun anymore, stops her and hurries out.
Cut to a locker, on which someone has affixed a bumper sticker that reads: "Anyone can make a BABY!. It takes a real man to be a FATHER!" Warren Garry walks up to the locker and disgustedly rips off the sticker. He opens the locker to find it contains a baby doll, a pair of baby boots, and a bottle. He looks distressed as he puts all three items in his bag. Heh.
Back at The Pool Room (whatever), Billy is informing Dawson that Pacey had his eye on three girls because Pacey knows "it's all about numbers...Play the odds. Don't waste time. You'll know within fifteen seconds whether a woman wants to see you naked." Gosh, that must mean every one of Dawson's days is made up of over two thousand rejections. He tells Dawson that if the answer (to the Dawson/nudity question) is no (really, no "if" there), Dawson should "bail," and that's why Dawson should have ten women in line, just in case nine say no. Or something. Given Dawson's prospects, it really isn't worthwhile paying full attention to that kind of talk. One of Pacey's targets walks by just then, and Pacey wanders off all horndog, asking Dawson and Billy to wish him luck. Billy continues to pressure Dawson into putting the moves on some poor, soon-to-be-nauseated woman. Dawson glances around dispiritedly until his gaze alights on a curly-haired brunette wearing a Film Threat t-shirt. Oh, please. "Found her," Dawson says, and charges toward her. Hey, Film Threat! Raisin Bran at two o'clock! He taps her on the shoulder. She turns around. She's thirty-five if she's a day and has pooka shells in her hair. He stammers, "Hi. My name...my name is Dawson." She says, "Oh, you're Dawson! Wow! Yeah! All right! Good to know." She turns back to her companion, laughing at Dawson while he silently curses his own ineptitude behind her.
Pacey approaches an underage-looking blonde and tells her, "I'm a drummer for Pearl Jam." She replies, "You're dumber than who?" He slinks away.
Dawson taps Film Threat on the shoulder again and says, "Look, I just want to let you that I completely understand the absurdity of this moment. I actually thought of sending over a drink or saying something clever, and what's your sign? You know, I figured directness would be the best approach, i.e. 'My name is Dawson' -- not that my name in and of itself should impress you, but kind of in the hopes that you might, in response, tell me your name." Run away! Run away! Film Threat drawls, "Did it occur to you that maybe I'm just not interested?" Shot through the heart! And you're to blame! You give bar skanks a good name! Dawson deflates, and sighs, "Uh. No, actually. But blind optimism is one of my faults." Film Threat simpers, "One of your faults? Do you have many?" Okay, lady, I totally see where you're coming from, but there's no need to carry on the conversation once you've basically ripped off the guy's balls and fed them to him, in public. Let him go try to lick his tiny wounds. Dawson says, "Let's see, there's my reckless disregard for danger. My tiresome romanticism. And then there's the way I keep on talking long after the person I'm trying to impress has lost all interest." Dude, realistically, that was, like, five minutes ago. But since this is a TV show, Film Threat says, "My name is Nina. And if you ask where Pinta and Santa Maria are, I am so out of here." Dawson beams at her with flop-sweaty self-satisfaction.
Having been shot down, Pacey reconnoiters with Billy. They both watch Dawson trying to mack on Nina. Pacey comments, "Damn! That girl's fine!" Yeah, for someone's mom, she is.
Meanwhile, Nina is flirtatiously asking Dawson why he hit on her over all the other women in the bar. He tells her it was her shirt. She says, "This old thing? And not even any cleavage! So what are you, Dawson? Some sort of film buff?" And thus began the tale Nina would be telling her therapist for years to come, as she learned, as so many others have before her, never to ask Dawson if he's a film buff. He settles in.
Over at Grams Gate, Joey taps on the kitchen window. Jen invites her in and asks, "How's my favourite mother-to-be?" Joey tells her she thinks they should call the whole thing off, basically because it's gotten out-of-hand; in addition to Mrs. Tingle's invitation to what Joey terms "that Mommy and Me class," some "Adventist" kid with the equally uninventive name of Sherman Williams offered to marry Joey today: "And that's nothing compared to what they're doing to Warren." Jen says that they both know Warren deserves everything that's coming to him. Joey shrugs, and says she doesn't know. Jen reminds Joey that Warren treated Joey with no respect: "That hurts. I know." Realization dawns on Joey, who says: "Oh. So that's what this is about...You don't care about me. You're just looking for some convenient revenge scenario to dump all your residual male anger. Is that what Dawson was for you? Just some patsy to take the fall for all the guys who have done you wrong?" Jen starts to get agitated and tells Joey to stop, and not to turn this into "a Dawson thing." But Joey isn't finished: "You know, the real question is, why did I even listen to you in the first place? I mean, Dawson was probably the first decent guy you've ever even gone out with, and look what you did? You drove him right into the arms of a prostitute." Ref? Off-sides. Jen tells Joey she went too far with that one, and I have to agree. Jen adds that the truth is that ever since she and Dawson broke up, Joey has been scared to death. Joey scoffs. Jen says: "You've been scared because now there's no more excuses -- there's no one else to blame. And now when Dawson treats you like little ol' understanding Joey -- just one of the guys -- Joey, I'm not going to be around for you to hate. And that is how he'll treat you, Joey." Joey glares at her with a look that could melt steel, and books out of there. Ow.
Back at the bar, Dawson is still blathering on about "film" with Nina, who is telling him that Kubrick and Scorsese are real directors: "I can't believe you're a Spielberg man." Ugh. Okay, I can't transcribe this, because I don't need my eyes along with my ears bleeding all over my desk, but suffice it to say, we're then treated to "A Short Treatise on the Glory That Is Steven Spielberg, Part 4382 in a Series." At the end of it, Nina reveals that she's in film school. Just as Dawson is gasping, "You're in film school?"
Billy strides up to the table and tells Dawson that the chocolate milk he ordered is waiting at the bar. Nina starts to twig to the situation. Billy asks her name and calls her "beautiful." She tells him. Billy says, "You can call me Columbus." Good one. Not. Nina comments that this place is getting really crowded, and asks Dawson if he wants to get out of there. Joyfully, Dawson says he'd love to. Billy does the "you're the man" finger pistol thing. Dawson rolls his eyes.
Outside the bar, Dawson starts babbling about the weather and the fact that Billy's a jerk and he brought Dawson here and he's from New York and Nina breaks in to ask if they're doing something Dawson doesn't want to do, because he's launched into "a pretty convincing Rain Man impression," and all they're doing is walking to her car. "And after that?" Dawson asks. "Well, after that I'm driving home," she says. "Notice the first person singular. I'm not in the habit of being a sexual facilitator for men with something to prove." Dawson splutters, "It's not like that!" Nina says that actually, it's exactly like that: "I saw your friends over your shoulder. They did everything but hold up score cards." Dawson, for once, has no response to that, but to admit that she may be right: "I just got dumped." Nina says, "And the evening snaps into focus." Dawson explains that he let Billy and Pacey convince him that the way to get over it was to go out and pick up. Nina says that's not exactly healthy. Dawson says he knows she's right, and adds that it stopped being about that for nearly an hour while he was in there talking to her, and that for the first time in three days, he doesn't feel so bad. Nina asks if it would impress his friends if he didn't reappear until morning. Ew. Dawson's entire face lights up with his completely unlikely good fortune, and he tells her that he thinks they'd erect a statue. She tells him he can come over and fall asleep watching TV: "I mean, you're a Spielberg fan. It's not like I'd be in any danger, right?" He grins, and hesitates. She tells him to hurry up and decide before she changes her mind. Dawson tells her that he still likes the girl who dumped him, and that it wouldn't be right. Nina says she doesn't know whether she should be offended or if he's just restored her faith in the male sex. Two words that should not be used with reference to Dawson: "male." "Sex." They kiss. Nina gets in her car and tells Dawson to call her if his girl doesn't come to her senses. Dawson smugly watches her go. Please excuse me while I go up the CN Tower and affix a banner emblazoned with the word "WHATEVER."
At the college fair, Joey studies a brochure. Abby smirks at her from a few paces off, then strolls up to Jen, who is studying Joey. Abby follows Jen's gaze, and asks, "Imagining what she'll look like with a bowling ball in her uterus? Don't bother." Jen, trying to stick with Joey's cover story, says, "I thought she was --" Abby cuts her off: "Not a chance. That girl's comic relief. Speaking of which, Warren Garry was called into the nurse's office this afternoon for a lecture on contraception." Jen says, "Well, good. He could use--" Again, Abby interrupts her: "You don't get it. Warren is the last person that needs that lecture. What you heard was a lie made up by a pathetic sophomore trying to land a popular boyfriend. " The camera cuts back to Joey, looking weary and embarassed. "Besides," Abby adds, "Warren couldn't fertilize a garden....I had a chat with my friend Elise today. She used to date Warren. She dated him for six months. She used to bake him spirit cookies before every game. She bought a $400 dress for a dance he failed to show up for....According to Elise, Warren had one other significant failure as a boyfriend. Let's just say he had a soft spot for the ladies in a very unfortunate location." Jen looks stunned, and hurries over to Joey, evidently giving her the 411. Joey's face lights up at the possibilities inherent in this knowledge.
Dawson struts back into the bar. Billy asks why he's back, and surmises: "You couldn't pull the trigger." To his credit, Dawson doesn't disabuse him of this notion, and simply replies, "Guess not." Billy remarks that Dawson practically had Nina "begging for it." (Uh, not on the director's cut that made it to air, but whatever.) Billy gives him a piece of advice about getting "laid" (according to the closed captions) or getting "lucky" (according to the soundtrack. Apparently it "comes down to a simple Beatles/Stones question....Do you want to hold her hand, or do you want to spend the night together?" In the case of Billy, it's a simple Spice Girls answer: "What part of 'no' don't you understand? I want a man, not a boy who thinks he can." Dawson dismissively says he'll keep that in mind. Pacey can sense the tension brewing and suggests that they leave, but not soon enough, because Billy tells Dawson that, watching him with Nina, he could tell how Dawson blew it with Jen. Dawson blows up and yells, "I don't get you!" Poor Pacey rolls his eyes. Dawson tells Billy that he knows Billy came to Capeside to break up Dawson and Jen, and having successfully done so, he supposes that Billy is now pouting because things didn't go according to plan. Billy: "What?" Dawson: "You think I don't know why you wanted me to get lucky tonight? So you could go whisper in Jen's ear, convince her that all men are dogs, and then assume that she'd seek your comfort." Billy: "For all that wisdom, you sure bit hard." Heh. Dawson: "Hard enough to know that it's not my style, man -- it's yours. And frankly, your style is pathetic. If you really had Jen's best interests at heart, you would stay away from her." Billy says that those are the exact words Jen's dad used when he told Billy he was going to send Jen away. Dawson says that sounding like Jen's dad is better than sounding like "her loser ex-boyfriend." Billy essentially says "Whatever" and tells them that, since they obviously don't need a loser like him hanging around, they can find their own way home. Dawson watches Billy leave with a stricken look. D'oh! Pacey smirks at Dawson's lack of foresight and says, "Um, do you think you could have waited until we were back in Capeside to throw out that last zinger, Dawson?" Good point, because, um, infants could have seen that plot twist coming.
Joey waits for Warren near his locker. Joey: "Hey, loverboy. Spare a minute?" Warren looks disgusted, and whines, "You know, it's been a really long day." Joey: "Oh, my heart bleeds." Wing Chun: "I'd say, 'you made your bed: now lie in it,' but I hear you're not very good at that." Warren: "Look, I know you're not too thrilled with me, but here's an idea. One way to get rid of a lie is to make it the truth, so maybe you and me --" Wing Chun: "Oh, Mylanta." Joey: "You know, I'm afraid I'd be getting worked up for something I hear is quite the anti-climax." Wing Chun: "Zing!" Warren: [dumb incomprehension] Joey: "Your reviews are in, Warren. And frankly, you've been panned." Warren: "So what is this, some kind of sophomore threat?" Joey: "No, just a reminder that if one person says something, it's a rumour. But two people -- gospel. But you're probably not planning on dating everyone ever again, so...." Warren realizes that she's got him by the short and flaccid, so he asks what she wants. She demands "complete and utter denial," to which he immediately agrees, adding: "Just so you know, the reason I picked you up this morning was because I thought it would be nice, you know....Saturday night I have plans, but they're breakable. What do you say? In public, official, groping-optional date." This guy must be heavily medicated. Or dangerously stupid. One or the other. Joey says, "Yeah. Just pick me up after my lobotomy." Avez-vous vu la vieille Joey? Elle me manque.
Dawson and Pacey sit in the cold at a bus stop. Pacey asks Dawson if getting out of Capeside to get Jen off his mind actually worked. Dawson says it didn't, and then amends that to "maybe for awhile." Pacey asks if he has to wait all night, or if Dawson is going to tell him what happened with Nina when they were outside. Dawson sighs and said that nothing happened; he just walked her to her car. Pacey asks if Dawson's wearing that lipstick as a fashion statement. Dawson chuckles, and says nothing. Pacey elbows him and they both laugh, FOR ONCE, like the adolescents they are.
Jen reads by candlelight on Grams's porch. Joey appears at the door with a bag and asks if Jen wants to join her in "an ice cream anti-social." Like any right-thinking woman, Jen puts down the book and gets set to tuck in. Joey tells Jen that the Warren Garry information proved useful. Jen says that his public retraction is already making the rounds. Joey says, "It is news, and this is high school." After a beat, Jen asks if Joey thinks there's a way to keep Dawson from coming between them. Yeah -- can this adversarial acquaintance be saved? Joey says sure: "He's only in love with one of us." Jen quietly says, "You're right." Joey looks very alarmed at Jen's concurrence. Jen says, "It must be a lot easier than just being the object of his infatuation, huh?" Joey smiles nervously, and says nothing. Jen adds that, after today, it's unlikely that either one of them will be vying for Dawson's affections. Joey chuckles, and says that picturing Dawson being "so male" has made her nauseous all day. Can I get an "amen"? Joey asks, "Do you think he's already --?" Jen doesn't say anything. Joey makes an elaborately appalled face. Just don't think about it! Now you know how I feel.
Morning in Capeside. Joey waits in Dawson's room. When he comes in, Joey asks if he got everything he went to Providence for. He says, "I'm a non-stop sex machine. You know me." First of all, ew. Second, as if. Third, ew, ew! He asks what's new with her, and she tells him she got knocked up by a fullback. He literally pats her on the head and says, "That's nice" and falls on the bed. She asks if he had a little good, clean fun, and he replies, "Not exactly." Apprehensively, she says, "Tell me about it." He tells her he wants to tell her, but he hasn't slept in twenty-four hours. She says she can wait. He says okay, and then adds that nothing he did or saw that whole day reminded him of Jen. Uh, not even when you were talking about her five or six times? Okay, whatever. He adds that "it was like looking at the world without blinders on." He rolls over. Joey pulls the blanket over his shoulder and says, "Yeah. I can wait." Hey, I could wait forever for these two to hook up -- you know, for the record.