By Sars
Previously on DC, Joey wonders aloud why Jen won’t have sex with Dawson, Dawson tells Joey that Jen wants to, Jen tells Dawson how much she likes him, Dawson tells Jen he wants more, Gale tells The Flash she cheated on him, and Jen confesses to Dawson the real reason her parents packed her off to Capeside.
Sanctum Dawsonorum. Dawson "Forehead’s Dead, Baby -- Forehead’s Dead" Leery flips through the channels and can’t find anything; after attempting to watch scrambled porn (Sars Maalox Scorecard: 13 seconds), he settles on the product-placed American Movie Classics channel. A moment later, Joey "Hollywood & Spine" Potter climbs in through the window; she has elaborate dark circles made up under her eyes, and she refers to a guy who went on a killing spree and got acquitted after claiming sleep deprivation and says she thinks she needs to call that guy’s lawyer. Dawson laughs, "Let me guess -- Bessie and Bodie’s new addition still pulling a day for night?" Joey says her sister "gave birth to Rosemary’s baby," she hasn’t slept in days, her GPA "is taking a nosedive," and last week she got caught "in a pool of drool in European History." Dawson tells her just to "crash here," and Joey asks, "You sure?" and Dawson says, "Yeah," waving his hand breezily before adding, "No drooling, though." Joey mocks Dawson’s predilection for old movies and suggests that he watch something more recent, and Dawson complains that he’s seen everything in the video store twice and can’t find anything on television. Joey looks at the movie playing on AMC and points out, "Dawson, Gary Cooper’s kind of a snoozer," and Dawson sits up and says, "Exactly. See, in the forties you could be a well-intentioned geek and still end up with the girl," neglecting to add that not having a forehead the size of Ayers Rock probably helped Gary Cooper’s cause more than a little bit, and Joey rolls her eyes as Dawson goes on, "What ever happened to the standard Gary Cooper types, you know? Likable but not too self-involved, smart without being arrogant? I mean, come on, what happened to that guy?" When he turns to Joey for an answer, she’s already fallen asleep -- as I would have myself, except that Dawson’s non-subtly non-veiled description of himself as "not too self-involved" had me hurling into a bucket -- and Dawson makes a wry face and goes back to watching Gary "Not Dawson" Cooper.
Credits. Cat proceeding tail-first through meat grinder.
Oh, kill me now. Fade up in the kitchen of the No-Fault Hacienda. Gale "Poof Troop" Leery asks, "So -- big meeting with the investors this morning?" as Mitch "The Flash" Leery, clad in a suit that his biceps threaten to burst out of, butters a piece of toast and says, "Uh huh -- you’re interviewing the police commissioner, right?" and Gale says, "At ten," and nervously tells The Flash how great he looks, and he very sincerely says, "So do you." "Thanks," she says, and he says, "You are welcome," and then they make a big point of nearly colliding in front of the butcher block, so I guess they don’t want to get too close to each other or whatever.
Credits. Cat proceeding tail-first through meat grinder.
Oh, kill me now. Fade up in the kitchen of the No-Fault Hacienda. Gale "Poof Troop" Leery asks, "So -- big meeting with the investors this morning?" as Mitch "The Flash" Leery, clad in a suit that his biceps threaten to burst out of, butters a piece of toast and says, "Uh huh -- you’re interviewing the police commissioner, right?" and Gale says, "At ten," and nervously tells The Flash how great he looks, and he very sincerely says, "So do you." "Thanks," she says, and he says, "You are welcome," and then they make a big point of nearly colliding in front of the butcher block, so I guess they don’t want to get too close to each other or whatever.
Gale reminds The Flash, "Dr. Keenan’s at three," apparently referring to their marriage counselor, and The Flash says, "Right," and Gale says eagerly, "He says we’re making progress," and The Flash lifts his coffee mug as if to toast that statement and says, "Yep, he does," and Dawson walks down the hall above them, and they both invite him to have breakfast and "take a load off," and they ask him a little too enthusiastically about school, so I guess they can’t stand to be alone together either, but Dawson says he doesn’t have time, and as he turns away from the stairwell, he looks grim and his nostrils ripple. Once Dawson has left, Gale and The Flash look at each other and laugh The Kids-What-Can-You-Do Laugh, and Gale sits down and repeats, "So -- big, uh, meeting with the investors this morning?" and The Flash stares at her and says, "Same one as two-and-a-half minutes ago," and Gale smiles tightly and nods, and The Flash rolls his eyes.
Waterfront. Pacey "Supercuts" Witter grouses to the grimy old fisherman on the bench to him, "You know, this town is the absolute embodiment of dull -- apart from the occasional sex scandal provided by yours truly, nothing happens here." Pacey gets up, predicting that one day the town will shut down from "lack of interest," and the fisherman nods politely and eats a danish, and Pacey steps into the crosswalk and nearly gets hit by a red convertible. "Hey, watch it, man!" Pacey hollers, and the car screeches to a stop and squeals in reverse back to where Pacey stands on the curb, and the driver -- a.k.a. Jen’s New York boyfriend -- leans out and says, "Listen, uh, maybe you can help me out," and Pacey wants to know, "With what, driving lessons?" and the driver, who looks about thirty, ducks his head and says, "No, but that’s -- that’s really cute. I’m looking for the high school." Pacey asks, "Capeside High?" and the driver nods and asks, "Are you gonna help me out, or I gotta ask Captain Ahab over there?" Like, ha ha. Not. Pacey leans in to give directions, and then says he can navigate if the guy gives him a ride, and the guy says sarcastically, "And ride with such a reckless driver? Come on -- does that sound smart to you?" and peels out, nearly running over Pacey’s foot in the process. What an accurate portrayal of the average rude New Yorker. Well, except for the "accurate" part.
At Bessie’s Bastard Barn, Joey tries to get "Where In The World Is" Bodie "Sandiego" out of the bathroom, pounding on the door and crabbing, "I need to dry my hair." Bessie "Future Single Parent" Potter croons to the baby as she puts him in his crib. The sisters fight for space in front of the bedroom mirror, and Bessie comments, "You look like hell," and Joey snarls, "Yeah, well, the human alarm clock kept me up all night," and yanks a brush through her wet hair. She overslept, she adds, and now she won’t have time to cram for her Spanish test. Joey throws her things together, and Bessie apologizes for the disruption but promises that things will settle down once she and Bodie "get through this adjustment period," and Joey asks when she can expect that to happen, and Bessie jokes, "Two, three years, max," and Joey grumbles, "Wonderful," and pulls on a cardigan over her midriff top.
Capeside High. Dawson and Joey sit on the steps inside. Dawson quizzes Joey in Spanish, and Joey thanks him for doing that, and then she asks, "So where’s the girlfriend this morning?" and Dawson says, "Don’t know, I haven’t seen her. Pay attention," and throws another phrase at Joey, and she translates it and veers back to the subject of Jen with as much subtlety as a professional wrestler: "It was just that you haven’t said much lately -- things between you and Jen okay? I mean, everything going swimmingly?" Dawson says, "Yeah, great. I mean, I admit it got a little bit rough there for a little while, but everything’s going great," and Joey generously says, "Good, that’s really good." The bell rings. Joey and Dawson get up, and Jen "Th-th-th-th-th-th-th-th-that’s All, Folks!" Lindley appears and she and Dawson kiss hello all dramatically and Dawson gives Joey her Spanish book back, and Dawson and Jen take each other’s hand all dramatically and Jen compliments Dawson on his XXXL sweater vest. Good thing Dawson didn’t borrow it from the dad on ALF. Oh, wait, he did. Dawson asks Jen if she still wants to go bowling that night, and Jen says she "can’t wait," and Joey curls her lip and takes off, and as Joey leaves them, Jen spots her thirty-year-old ex-boyfriend loitering around in his oh-so-New York leather top-coat and oh-so-New York crazy-patterned shirt and oh-so-Miami Vice stubble. Dawson offers to walk her to lab, and Jen begins stammering an excuse, and Joey pauses before going into class to watch, and Jen asks Dawson if she can "catch up with" him later, and Dawson smells a rat thanks to his gigantic nostrils, but he goes on his way.
The soundtrack cranks a riff clearly meant to remind us of George Thorogood’s "Bad To The Bone," and Jen struts down the hall to greet her ex; Joey shrugs and goes into class. Jen demands, "Billy, what the hell are you doing here?" and Billy asks, "Is that any way to greet the love of your life?" and Jen apologizes and asks him to leave all in one breath. Billy tries to kiss her. Jen pulls away. Billy informs her that he "drove all night just to see" her, and since it only takes five hours to drive from Manhattan to Cape Cod, Billy must have gone by way of western Pennsylvania, which Jen busts him on, and Billy smiles, "I got lost?" Dawson, non-cleverly non-concealed behind a wall, peeks around the corner at this little tableau as Jen snaps, "Do you have any idea what my mother would do if she found out you were here?" She tells him that her parents sent her to Capeside to get her away from him blah blah blah "things have changed" blah blah blah she has changed blah blah blah fishcakes. Billy invites her to go on a ride with him to fill him in "on all the advances," and Jen gives him a half-annoyed, half-sultry look. Dawson stares at them from beneath a pouf of bangs that defies even my formidable descriptive powers; Billy holds the side door open, and Jen assents and walks through the door in her too-high-heeled boots. Dawson stares some more. Cliff "The Once And Future Noel" Elliott comes up behind him and asks if Dawson has seen Jen or knows "where she is this period," and Dawson lies and says no, and Cliff asks Dawson to give Jen the message that he wants her to come to his barbecue, and "what the hell -- why don’t you come too?" Dawson’s nostrils undulate, and he says with false cheer, "Cool, sounds great." Cliff asks Dawson if Jen has a boyfriend, and Dawson answers smugly, "Uh, yeah, she does. Me." Cliff, flabbergasted: "Really!" Dawson, even more smugly: "Yeah." Cliff congratulates Dawson and walks off down the hall. Whatever.
The Faithless Hussy suggests leisure activities, which The Flash shoots down as too expensive, but adds passive-aggressively that she, in her capacity as "family breadwinner," should decide, not he. FH points out that Dr. Keenan wants them to experience new things that neither of them has done before; The Flash in turn points out that they’ve never "experienced" swinging or spouse-swapping either, and asks if those wouldn’t "be more appealing to your recreational tastes." FH purses her lips and whispers, "When are you gonna stop punishing me?" The Flash tersely responds, "When I can get the vision of my naked wife playing ‘hide the -- ’" and stops as FH stares at him, then finishes, "When it stops hurting," and picks up his newspaper.
A few shots of the marina, then a cut to Grams’s lawn. Jen explains to Billy, "Being here has been good for me," and adds that she doesn’t want to seem rude but she has to ask him to leave. Billy gives her an "are you kidding me" look, but says okay, except that "I’m way too beat to make this ride [sic] tonight," and he doesn’t have any cash for a hotel either. Billy asks her to find him a place to crash for the night and he’ll leave in the morning; just then, Dawson looms up behind Jen, glowers at Billy, and asks curtly, "Is everything okay?" Jen, whose hair evidently got styled with static electricity and a fork, stammers again. Billy extends his hand and introduces himself; Dawson shakes Billy’s hand without speaking as Jen describes Billy as "an old friend from New York." Well, she got the "old" part right, anyway. Jen asks to speak to Dawson privately for a minute and steers him away from Billy, who watches Dawson with a look of contemptuous amusement. Jen murmurs to Dawson that Billy needs a place to stay for the night and asks if maybe he could stay with Dawson, and Dawson jams the nostril throttle into overdrive and splutters, "Stay with me for the night? Jen, I don’t even know him, I just met him, he’s a complete stranger to me, I don’t know anything about him!" I think we get it, Dawson, but thanks for saying it four different ways just in case. Jen says placatingly, "Okay, well, what do you want to know?" Billy literally laughs at Dawson in the background; Dawson doesn’t know where to start, but decides to ask territorially, "Is he really just a friend or is he something more than that?" Jen, on the defensive: "Dawson, first of all, I’ve already told you about Billy." She gives him a meaningful look. Dawson furrows his brow and asks, "Is he the guy? Whuh -- he’s Mr. Got Caught Doing It In Your Parents’ Bed, isn’t he?" and he nearly starts to cry as Jen explains, "Look, it’s, it’s completely over between Billy and I [sic], and I told him everything about us, and that I’m with you now." Dawson sulks as she goes on, "But he is still my friend, and only my friend, and I’d really appreciate it if you could give him a place to crash for the night. Believe me, Dawson -- anything Billy ever meant to me, you now mean ten times that." Well, in terms of head size, at least.
Billy grabs his duffel bag from the car; Dawson weighs Jen’s presumptuous request, but Billy thanks him before Dawson even says yes, hands Dawson his bag (heh), and heads towards the No-Fault Hacienda, and Jen thanks Dawson too and tries to kiss him on the cheek, but he yanks away from her and storms off behind Billy, and he practically throws Billy’s bag at him as Jen puts a hand to her forehead. I can’t believe Dawson agreed to this arrangement, I can’t believe Jen had the cheek to suggest it, I can’t believe for one second that the writers expected us to buy it, and I can’t believe that the anvil hasn’t showed up yet.
Sanctum Dawsonorum. Billy, a towel draped jauntily around his neck, fingers Dawson’s stuff and asks, "This must be pretty weird for you, huh?" Dawson, icily: "What’s that?" Billy, with an air of superiority: "Having me here. Having your girlfriend’s ex sharing your bedroom -- that’s gotta be a real trip, man." Dawson musters up a nonchalant tone: "It’s only till tomorrow, so --" Billy says patronizingly, "Oh yeah, that’s what Jenny said -- tomorrow, right?" Dawson glares at him. Billy sneers as he looks around the Sanctum, "So what are you, anyway, some sort of film buff?" Dawson says quietly, "Something like that, yeah." Billy spots Dawson’s E.T. doll, says, "Awwwww," and holds it up by its arms, crooning, "Now this is cute," and Dawson jumps up and snatches it away from Billy: "That is a collector’s item -- look, Billy, if you’re going to be staying another day, I should know. Jen should know." Billy removes the towel and says, "Okay, how about this -- I’m not leaving tomorrow. In fact, I have no intention of leaving until Jen’s thrown you over and come back to me." "Thrown you over"? I don’t recall seeing Edith Wharton’s name in the credits for this episode, but in any case, Billy challenges Dawson, "So, the question is, what do you do about it, Dawson? Do you have Daddy throw me out? Do you remove me personally from the premises?" Dawson stares at Billy with raw hatred, which makes Billy crack up: "Have a sense of humor, man -- look at you! You’re all torqued up over nothing!" He flops back on Dawson’s bed and says, "Yeah, I’ll probably split tomorrow -- but in the meantime, you and I should take advantage of our newfound closeness here." Dawson raises a brow. Billy says he bets Dawson really wants to know "what Jen was like in New York, so -- shoot. Ask away." Dawson primly answers that Jen already told him everything, but to my delight, Billy hasn’t finished torturing Dawson, saying that Jen probably told him the caught-in-bed, shipped-up-to-Capeside part, "but did she give you the details? Did she fill in the blanks that make a story a story, because my guess is, there’s a lot you don’t know, Dawson. My guess is, you don’t know the half of it." Word. Dawson adopts one of his Faces Of Great Self-Righteousness, but he still seems nervous.
Over at the Bastard Barn, Dawson barges in and tells Joey he really needs to talk to her, and Joey jumps up and shushes him, which she should really do more often, because "if you wake [the baby] up your life will be over." She shoves him into the kitchen and stage-whispers, "What is the problem?" Dawson, not lowering his voice one bit, whines, "Okay, you know how yesterday I said that everything between Jen and me was great, was fine, well it’s not, it’s a mess." "Yesterday"? Memo to the writers: that conversation took place the same morning -- Dawson and Joey have the same clothes on. Hire. A. Line. Editor. Please. Anyhow. Dawson brings Joey up to date on the Billy situation, and Joey smiles and says, "Oh, so that’s who that cute guy was in school yesterday," and Dawson cringes and says, "You’re not helping," and Joey rolls her eyes and wonders, "Look, what’s the big deal? I mean, I thought you were ‘with’ Jen. You guys are a couple, right?" Dawson sputters yeah, of course, but once "Mr. Smooth" came to town, "bowling started to sound pretty lame." Joey remarks that bowling always sounds lame. Dawson ignores this and says that he can’t stand having Billy at his house, and if he kicks Billy out, it makes him look petty, but if he lets Billy stay, it makes him feel like a "patsy." Dawson bemoans the fact that relationship problems seem to run in his family, and Joey grumbles, "Dawson, I hate to break it to you, but your problems really aren’t that original." BWA HA HAAA! And Sars fell upon her knees and sobbed, "Old Joey, Old Joey, why hast thou forsaken us?" Joey goes on to say that "divorce and dysfunction run rampant" in Capeside, and Dawson responds that he could handle dysfunction but not divorce, asking, "How much pain and humiliation can a relationship endure before it just reaches the point of no return?" Joey, skeptically: "Are we talking about the father or the son here?" Dawson slumps and doesn’t answer, and Joey takes pity on him: "Dawson, relax, don’t worry about it. You know, it’s all gonna blow over, and you’re gonna be onto bigger and better problems before you know it." Dawson asks, "You think so? I should -- sit tight?" and Joey reassures him, and he thanks her and -- no lie -- punches her lightly on the shoulder (like, buck up, little camper!) before bolting out the door and slamming it behind him, which naturally wakes up the baby and snaps Joey out of her watching-Dawson-go reverie.
Water scenes. The day, Jen -- who should have stayed in and given her roots a touch-up instead -- takes a walk with Dawson and thanks him for his "generosity" in giving Billy "a place to crash" -- um, writers? Could you please find another phrase besides "place to crash"? Thanks. Dawson comments that Billy "isn’t exactly here to watch the leaves change colors" -- fortunately, since the writers can’t pick a season and stick to it anyway -- and adds that Billy obviously came to win Jen back. Dawson’s hair looks like it walked off the set of a Hair-In-A-Can infomercial. Jen insists she told Billy "everything about" her relationship with Dawson; Dawson snaps, "I don’t think he’s getting the message, and quite frankly, I don’t think you want him to." Sad to say, I have to agree with Big D on that point. Jen says she doesn’t want to lie to Dawson, "so, yeah, Billy still has feelings for me," and Dawson sighs nostriliciously as Jen says, "I mean, we never really got a chance to say goodbye -- my parents threw me out of New York so fast, there was never any time for closure." Dawson says, "I thought you wanted to make a break from all those guys who ‘sexualized you way too young,’" and Jen claims, "But Billy wasn’t one of them -- he was the only guy who ever treated me with respect. He treated me well." Dawson, not really listening: "You’re going back to him?" When Jen doesn’t answer immediately, Dawson shouts, "You have to think about that?" and Jen calls the situation "confusing" and "not that simple," and I can’t disagree with her either, but Dawson proceeds to lay down the law: "We’re invited to a party at Cliff Elliott’s tonight, and I want you to come with me. I want things to go back to normal, and I want Billy gone." Jen says she can’t send Billy away just like that. Dawson says sarcastically, "Oh, of course -- he’s treated you with nothing but respect. Well, Jen, last time I checked, so did I. And how do I get repaid? By having the guy who’s had you everywhere from Battery Park to your parents’ bed dumped on me as my new bunkmate." Jen understandably takes issue with Dawson’s self-absorption, and nearly in tears she shouts, "Dawson, come on, be fair to me, all right? This isn’t the easiest situation in the world for me either, I mean -- I mean, imagine if some ex-girlfriend of yours showed up into town and just put everything in a whirlwind," and Dawson naturally cuts her off by telling her that "that’s impossible, okay, because I don’t have an ex-girlfriend! You’re my girlfriend, my first and only. All I’m trying to do is prevent Billy’s ex from becoming my ex too." Jen, trying not to let the wind generated by Dawson’s wildly flapping nostrils knock her over, tells him that her feelings for him haven’t changed and he should try to understand, and Dawson says judgmentally, "Unfortunately, I think I do," and stomps away, and Jen stomps off in the other direction.
Cut to a large thing going down in flames on a TV screen, which Pacey watches appreciatively at the video store. Joey ma
rches in and announces that she needs to rent The English Patient, and Pacey asks if he might suggest a movie "that does not completely blow," and Joey goes off on a rant to the effect that only The English Patient will put the baby to sleep, and if the baby doesn’t sleep, she doesn’t sleep, fishcakes. Pacey shrugs and says she doesn’t need a video store but rather a pharmacy, and goes to get the video, and Joey says a little too casually, "Anyway -- I hear Jen’s ex has been lurking around Capeside. Met the strapping young fellow yet?" Pacey sarcastically calls Billy "a real charmer" and says he nearly lost three toes to Billy’s tires, and Joey asks if Pacey thinks Jen will go back to Billy, and Pacey says he doesn’t know, but "if Jen did ditch Dawson for Billy the Kid, wouldn’t that please a certain someone we both know?" Joey blushes and says that she wouldn’t stand in the way of true love, and she natters on in this vein for a moment before Pacey lays it out for her: "Look, Joey, I’ve never really taken a particular interest in your life, ‘cause frankly your life has never been particularly interesting, but there is one thing I need to know." Joey rolls her eyes before Pacey asks, "You’re really, really enjoying the fact that Jen’s ex is in town, aren’t you?" Joey parries with, "Well, it’s intriguing, Pacey, even you have to admit that," but Pacey describes Billy as "the wedge you’ve been waiting for that’s gonna drive Jen and Dawson apart," and Joey doesn’t like that and tries to deny it, but Pacey won’t let up, saying, "The three of us, we’ve been friends too long, and up until now I’ve just kinda stood idly by and watched this all go down, but it’s time to lay this on the line, okay -- you have some raging hormonal obsession for [sic] our friend Dawson, and you just can’t wait to get your hooks into him but good, can ya? Huh?" Joey glares at him with a hatred hotter than the fire of a thousand suns and hisses, "Bite me, Pacey," and Pacey singsongs, "Bus-ted," and when she shoots another glare over her shoulder at him on her way out, he calls, "Hey, be kind, rewind!"
I think I’ll skip the Sensor Excel Challenge, but thanks anyway.
Enter The Flash and the Faithless Hussy, sniping at each other after their bungled scuba-diving lesson; FH carps on The Flash for not following the buddy-system instructions and staying within three feet of her, and The Flash carps back, "Oh, now that’s ironic -- me getting bitched at for floating away from you." Dawson overhears, and as FH continues to cavil, he walks to the door of his room to eavesdrop more clearly as his mother shouts tearfully, "Look, I can’t do this by myself, so if you’re going to fight this therapy every step of the way, then we’re both just wasting our time, so let me know, Mitch, because if that is the case, then we might as well --" and Dawson closes the door of his room and flares his nostrils aggrievedly.
The marina. At the Icehouse, Joey rushes to and fro trying to write down orders while customers get on her nerves and Bessie nags her. Enter Pacey, and Joey rolls her eyes and thanks Satan aloud for sending one of his disciples to make her "night of horrors" complete. Pacey smiles as Joey heads for a table and asks, "What are you doing tonight?" and she eyes him strangely, and Pacey says, "Forget I said that -- I was just out looking for a date, and since I couldn’t find one, I thought of you." In the background, an extra gripes, "Miss, I didn’t order this," and Joey more or less says to Pacey, "Like, ha ha. Not," and Pacey asks if she wants to crash a beach party with him, and she sarcastically answers that, much though she’d love to, she has to work, and he wheedles, and she clears a table and stacks the dishes in Pacey’s arms while enumerating the reasons she can’t go out that night. She takes off towards the dish station, and Pacey trails behind her with an armful of dirty plates and asks, "When was the last time you went out and had some fun, huh?" and Joey growls, "Don’t ask," and Pacey dumps the plates in a heap and says, "Besides, Dawson’s gonna be there, all right?" and Joey says sulkily, "Big whoop." Pacey sighs and adds, "Alone, Joey," and Bessie appears behind Joey and smiles and says, "Go," and unties Joey’s serving apron, and Joey can’t help grinning, but she protests anyway, and Bessie says that she has someone coming in to cover, and when Joey keeps protesting, Bessie says, "Goodbye," and Pacey grabs Joey’s hand and pulls her after him, and Bessie waves. Aw. Memo to the writers: give Bessie a creek already, will you please?
Sanctum Dawsonorum. Dawson broods. As he begins to change clothes, The Flash barges in, presumably for another ill-starred father-son talk, and he asks Dawson, "So, how’s it going?" Dawson sighs, "Um, complicated. You?" The Flash responds, "Complicated -- squarely in the midst of what Dr. Keenan would refer to as Stage Four," and Dawson repeats, "’Stage Four.’ Dare I ask what Stage Five is?" The Flash frowns at this (actually sort of funny) wisecrack and says, "Anyway, on to you -- where’s Billy the Kid?" Dawson grouses that in all likelihood Billy has gone to hang out with Jen, leaving Dawson to go to tonight’s barbecue "solo" while Jen hangs out with his "new roommate." He asks his father what stage Dr. Keenan would put them in, and The Flash smirks, "High school." Dawson bemoans his fate: "Let’s face it, Dad. We’re a couple of nice guys, which stopped being a desirable character trait about half a century ago." The Flash tells Dawson that, although he probably shouldn’t give his son or anyone else "romance tips," every relationship will produce "its share of disappointments" and pain, and "anyone who’s never been hurt is either very lucky, or very lonely. The trick is to get through it." Dawson asks how, and The Flash suggests, "Compromise -- tears -- scuba lessons at the local Y -- different for everyone." Dawson asks if that works, and The Flash says glumly, "I have no idea, kid. No idea whatsoever," and chuckles at his own gallows humor as Dawson looks even more morose.
A tugboat honks its horn. Billy and Jen stand in the Capeside version of Golden Gate Park, and Billy says he wants to scoop Jen up and bring her back to New York with him, and Jen says that she would just turn around and come back to Capeside: "This is my home, Billy." Jen must have spent an hour with Miss Clairol, because her hair looks much blonder and better conditioned than in her scene. Billy reaches for her, and she pushes his hands away, and he says, "So this is really it -- you are leaving me for a guy who’s got an E.T. doll on his bed." Heh! Jen corrects him with the "collector’s item" line, and Billy says, "It is a doll!" Jen doesn’t respond to that, but says she should go to the party and find Dawson because she owes him "about four hundred explanations," and Billy says, "All right, then, before you leave, since who knows when, and if, we’ll ever see each other again, how about for old times’ sake, you and me, just one -- last -- kiss?" Jen, suckered in: "One last kiss and then you’ll go?" Billy, three fingers held aloft: "Scouts’ honor." Jen figures she might as well get it over with and leans in, and they kiss, and Billy tries to give her the tongue but Jen pulls away and says, "Goodbye, Billy," and walks off.
Lord, give me strength. Cut to the beach, where a few jockstraps toss a football around and that annoying "I guess this is growing up" song blares in the background. Kids drink; kids dance; kids laugh, play volleyball, and wear extremely small bikini tops. Joey leans dejectedly against a post on the porch, and Pacey comes up to her with a plastic cup in his hand and says, "So what’d I tell you -- is this a great party or what?" Joey answers snidely, "Time of my life -- I’m ready for the group hug whenever you are," and Pacey spots "the girl of my dreams right there" and asks Joey how he looks, and she responds, "Like the ‘before’ picture in an ad for geek remover." Word. Pacey tells her to go "easy" and plunges into the crowd, and Joey wistfully watches him go. Just then Dawson appears, looking put-upon, and they seem glad to see one another, and Dawson snarkily says he hasn’t had such a great time since he joined JV football, and Joey snarkily adds that cheerleading "has opened soooo many doors," and they grin snarkily at each other in a fairly cute moment, and Dawson suggests that they leave the party and rent videos instead, and Joey smiles and says okay, and he says, "Be right back," and as he disappears into the crowd, Joey beams and bites her lip.
Over at the keg, Dawson sorts himself out a cup. Jen, wearing a way-too-aggressive Wonder Bra, materializes behind him, and a pleasantly surprised Dawson says, "Hey -- you’re here," and Jen says, "Yeah, I’m here, and I’m alone, and, and I’m sorry about everything, Dawson," and she natters on about how badly she behaved, and Dawson shuts her up by kissing her. They beam at one another hormonally. Jen says, "Come on, let’s go."
Cut to Joey, still waiting for Dawson and looking around to see where he went, and a burly guy with long blond hair approaches her and offers her a drink, which Joey declines, and he persists by saying he has an extra, and Joey brushes him off by saying her friend has gone to get her one, and Fabio says, "Really. Who’s your friend?" Joey, exasperated: "Dawson Leery. You probably don’t know him." Fabio: "Sure, Dawson -- sophomore? Currently hitting the beach with that cute blonde chick?" Joey follows Fabio’s gaze to see Dawson and Jen strolling down the beach arm-in-arm, then turns around abruptly and tries to shake it off, without much success, which prompts Fabio to ask, "You okay?" She mumbles, "Yeah, sure," grabs a cup from his hand, and starts chugging. I don’t know what Joey sees in Dawson, but I do know how much having your crush hopes dashed can suck. Drink up, girl.
On the beach, Jen continues to apologize for the way she handled things, but Billy showed up, "and my judgment just flew right out the window -- I mean, I cut class, I --" and before she can finish, Billy himself appears on her other side and says, "You’re too hard on yourself." Dawson gets his back up: "What’s he doing here? I thought you told him to go!" Jen, bowled over by a nostril, struggles to regain her footing, saying, "I did, I, I swear to God, I told you --" and Billy cuts her off by remarking that he took the liberty of "reading between the lines," and Dawson demands, "What are you talking about?" Billy, not bothering to hide how much he enjoys tormenting Dawson, tells him that Jen’s goodbye kiss felt like "a little more kiss and a little less goodbye," and Dawson explodes at Jen, "Wha -- you kissed him?" Jen, flustered, repeats "it was a goodbye kiss" several times, at which point Billy says, "All right -- if that’s all it was, then I will take my leave right now, but you tell me, Jenny. Tell me all that kiss said was ‘goodbye.’" Jen squirms. Dawson stares at Jen.
Joey, drunk and dancing. Pacey warning her to "pace" herself with the drinks. Joey slurring, "I know I don’t say it enough, but you’re a really terrific friend." Pacey making okay-we’ve-gotta-get-you-home motions; Fabio coming up and asking, "Is this guy bothering you, Chloe?" Joey guzzling another drink. Pacey pointing out, "Okay, first, her name’s not ‘Chloe,’ it’s ‘Joey,’ and second, no, I’m not hitting on her, I’m just her friend, God knows," and yanking the cup from between Joey’s lips and out of her hand. Fabio thanking Pacey "for the info" and saying, "We’ll catch you later," then grabbing Joey’s hand and leering, "Come on, let’s go for a walk." Sars hoping fervently that Joey will barf somewhere other than into her hand.
Dawson orders Jen to tell Billy "that kiss meant nothing." Jen wiggles out of that by calling the whole debacle "such a confusing situation," and a fuming Dawson wonders how it got so confusing that she can’t "answer a simple question," and Billy says, "You know what, she did answer the question, I just think you happen not to like the answer," and I have to agree with Billy. Furthermore, gratifying though I usually find any humiliation of Dawson, I think he’s put up with more than enough of Jen’s waffling. Dawson tells Billy to "stay out of this" and that it "doesn’t concern" him, and Billy says he disagrees: "Not only does this concern me, it concerns me gravely." Jen shifts nervously from foot to foot and looks back and forth at Dawson and Billy as Billy goes on, "So if there was [sic] a third [sic] and expendable wheel in this scenario, it would be you," and for the last time, writers, the expression is "FIFTH wheel," because while one might occasionally need or benefit from the presence of a THIRD wheel, one NEVER needs a FIFTH wheel, which gives the expression "FIFTH wheel" MEANING in the FIRST place, so please, I beg of you, buy a style manual and LEARN CORRECT ENGLISH USAGE. Anyhow. Billy says, "See, Jen and I go way back. She was with me long before she ever even entered into your fantasies," and an infuriated Dawson falls back on his favorite ammunition, the cheap shot: "You and everyone else." Billy makes a "wow" face and looks for Jen’s reaction, and Dawson realizes his misstep too late and cringes as Jen lines up the tee shot: "You know, Dawson, I may have made some mistakes, but at least I don’t live in a fantasy world where everyone is pure and innocent." Dawson talks right over her, saying he doesn’t want to trade insults, he just wants to know where he stands, and he asks her to choose between him and Billy, and as Billy sort of shrugs at her, Dawson whines, "Jen, who’s the third [sic] wheel in this scenario?" To her credit, Jen chokes, "I think I am," and she walks away as Billy and Dawson both call after her. Dawson snarls at Billy, "Are you happy now?" and Billy says, "Actually, not too bad -- you?" Billy has his moments, I must say. Dawson stomps off.
Joey and Fabio canoodle amongst the dune grasses. Pacey comes up behind Fabio and pulls him away from Joey, saying grimly, "All right, Joe. Say goodbye to the nice serial rapist man," and Joey yanks her hand away from him as Fabio growls, "You again, A-hole? She doesn’t wanna leave!" Joey burbles, "Please, Pacey," and closes her eyes while Fabio kisses her neck, and Pacey pulls Fabio away from Joey again, and Fabio tries to punch Pacey but misses, and Pacey punches Fabio in the face and knocks him to the ground and then waves his hand around and winces, and Dawson comes running up and wants to know what happened, and just then Joey swoons drunkenly onto the sand. Dawson crouches over her, and she croons, "Dawson -- thank you, you’re my hero," and Pacey cradles his hand and glares at her, and for some reason the editor decides we should go to commercial at that moment, so we do.
Pacey bustles up to the back door of the Bastard Barn; Dawson follows, holding Joey up, and Pacey gives Joey guff, and Joey woozily tells him to shut up. Dawson warns Pacey not to make noise, because if Bodie sees Joey like this, "she’s dead." Pacey goes ahead, after asking Dawson if he "can handle Lushie" by himself, and Dawson tells him not to wake the baby whatever he does, and then he hoists Joey into the house. Meanwhile, Pacey creeps into the nursery, non-humorously stepping on a squeaky baby toy on his way in, and the baby predictably starts crying, and Pacey quickly turns off the baby monitor and jiggles the squalling infant’s tummy with his hand, telling him to "play like your drunk Aunt Joey and go on back to sleep." Out in the living room, Dawson lowers Joey to the couch, and once he gets her settled, he says to her passed-out form, "Joey -- I know it’s been a tough week for you; you always try to handle everything by yourself. Is that why you got drunk tonight, Joe? Needed a little break from your life?" A dreaming Joey mutters "tartar sauce table five" a couple of times and stirs uncomfortably. In the other room, Pacey stuffs a bottle, then a pacifier into a fussing Alexander’s mouth and whispers, "There’s gotta be something to quiet this kid down," and just as a light bulb switches on above Pacey’s head, Dawson covers Joey with a blanket and says, "It’s probably the wrong time to tell you this, but -- well, maybe it’s the perfect time. I realize how incredibly confusing things are between us right now; I can’t even begin to explain our relationship." Joey mouth-breathes noisily; Dawson continues, "You probably can’t either, but, um, I just want you to know that, um," and he smoothes her hair over her ear and says, "If you ever need me, I’ll always be here for you. All you ever have to do is ask." Joey comes to briefly, strokes Dawson’s face, and pulls him towards her and kisses him. She slumps back on the pillows as Dawson looks alarmed. Back in the nursery, Pacey tells Alexander the plot of The English Patient to get him to sleep, which works (oh, fine -- heh), and Dawson hisses to Pacey that they can go, and Pacey clicks the baby monitor back on and says, "Sleep tight, little man," and they leave.
The Faithless Hussy puts away sporting equipment and apologizes to The Flash for the scuba-diving idea. The Flash kneels down beside her, observing that "scuba-diving, water-skiing, or bungee-jumping" won’t solve their problems. FH says she thought maybe trying something new would help, and The Flash says he doesn’t think new stuff needs working on -- maybe they "neglected some of the old things." He tells her he loves her and he’ll do whatever he has to do, and he suggests starting with something simple that doesn’t require any specialized equipment, and he puts a tape in the boombox and holds out a hand to her and asks, "May I?" FH smiles hopefully and takes his hand, and they dance, but when she tries to kiss him, The Flash covers her mouth with his hand and says, "One thing at a time, Gale." Then they dance some more. Whatever.
Fade to Dawson and Pacey in Joey’s boat. Dawson rows across the creek, referring to Joey as "so out of it" and saying that she babbled on about the Icehouse, kissed him, rolled over, and passed out. Pacey: "Wait, wait -- she kissed you?" Dawson nods. Pacey: "She kissed you like an ‘aunt on Thanksgiving’ kiss, or --" Dawson doesn’t see the big deal: "She kissed me." Dawson then says that it "meant nothing -- she was completely wasted, obviously mistook me for Brad Pitt, which is understandable," and I won’t touch that last little "joke." Pacey shakes his head and sighs, "Ah, Dawson, my fine oblivious friend. One of these days, you’re gonna have to take a gigantic fact-check [Huh?], my friend, all right? She didn’t ‘mistake’ you for anybody, okay? This girl is head-in-the-clouds, one-hundred-percent, ass-backwards in love with you, all right?" Dawson starts laughing in disbelief, and he describes his friendship with Joey as having a person in his life who "just gets it, picks up on it, and it’s like that with Joey and me," but he goes on to say that "it’s not love." Pacey points out that, despite all the "disastrous" goings-on with Jen and Billy over the course of the weekend, that they have wound up in the middle of the creek "talking about your ‘friend’ Joey," and Dawson gets a little irritated and says Pacey can’t compare his feelings for Joey to his feelings for Jen: "Trust me, there’s a difference between friendship and love." Pacey arches a brow and asks, "Right, and you’re so sure you know that difference?" Dawson applies himself to rowing instead of answering, and after a moment he says, "You don’t know what you’re talking about."
Dawson comes home to find Billy packing and asks drily, "Leaving so soon?" Billy grumbles something about checking out "the scenery up the coast." Dawson says sarcastically, "I assume you haven’t tried to steal anything -- other than my girlfriend." Billy pulls on his oh-so-New York leather top-coat and sneers, "Hey, relax, all right? You win -- I just talked to Jen, and apparently, she’s not as confused as she seems, so, looks like the nice guy’s gonna get the girl after all." He shoulders his bag and makes to leave, then turns around and says that, if he has the traffic with him, he can make it up there from New York in under three-and-a-half hours, so "you’d better treat her good, Dawson." Dawson, whose hair looks like one of the molded butter pats used in sniffy restaurants, says smugly, "I will." He walks to his window and sees Jen pacing on the dock, and his giant face fills with elation.
On the dock, Dawson comes up behind a tense-looking Jen and says, "You know, for somebody who views himself as a tragically nice guy, I spend an awful lot of time apologizing." Jen, whose hair looks like an uncombed wig, makes a disgusted noise and wriggles away from him as he continues, "Jen, I’m sorry about what I said earlier -- insecurity brings out the worst --" but Jen cuts him off: "You know how you’re always curious about what my life was like in New York? Truth is, I mean, it’s really no different than it is right now. I mean, geography aside, I am -- I am still the same stupid girl who’s always found it easier to escape into a relationship than to face life on her own." Dawson says that they can "go back" now that Billy has left town, but a tearful Jen asks, "To what?" As Dawson looks half surprised and half saddened by the question, Jen folds her arms and sniffles, "Dawson, I -- I’m sixteen. I’ve never stayed home on a Saturday night, I’ve never gone stag to a school dance, I -- I mean, I’m pretty, I’m lucky, I’m fortunate, and -- and I am still way too unhappy most of the time." Dawson stares at her as if he can’t believe what he just heard. Speaking as somebody who, at age sixteen, spent most Saturday nights at home and who always went stag to school dances and who felt neither pretty nor lucky nor fortunate but who, as a result, felt unhappy most of the time, um, Jen? Boo. Hoo. Not.
Jen tells Dawson, "I told Billy today that it was over with us," and Dawson says, "I know, he told me," and he clearly thinks that Jen will rage at him a while longer and then get over it and they can start making out, but Jen puts paid to that idea: "And now I’m gonna have to say the same thing to you." Ouch! It doesn’t sink in at first; Dawson, the smug little smile wiped off his face, gabbles, "Wha? Jen?" Jen says she knows she’s criticized Dawson for living in a fantasy world, but in all honesty, she envies him: "Everything’s so new, so untouched for you, I -- I would gladly trade in all my experience for just an ounce of your idealism, and I wish I knew some better way to say this." Dawson leaps forward and grabs her arms, babbling, "We can make this work, we can fix this," and Jen tries to pull away, sobbing, "No we can’t, no, it’s over, it’s over!" and Dawson ignores her and begs her to "sleep on this, we’ll talk in the morning, we don’t need to go over all this now," and Jen pleads tearfully, "Dawson, please, listen to me, listen to me! I gotta take a few steps back, I -- I, I’ve got to try life on my own for a while," and as Kelly Taylor waits patiently for her check to arrive in the mail, The Piano Music Of Unexpected Dumping starts up. Dawson, on the point of tears himself, yells, "You can’t just make me fall for you and then -- bail as soon as --" and he chokes up and turns away from her, and Jen says, "I’ll miss you, you know," and Dawson whispers sarcastically, "Yeah," and Jen says, "I’ll be sleeping eighty feet away from you and it’ll feel like a thousand miles." Dawson whirls back around with an incredulous arm-flap as Jen goes on, her voice quavering, "I’ll regret my decision constantly, I’ll kick myself to no end, and -- and when I come crawling back to you, you’ll have every right to say, uh, ‘Take a hike, Jen, I’m with somebody else now, and I don’t --’" and Dawson interrupts bitterly, "Somebody who appreciates me, somebody who doesn’t blow into town with her dysfunctional past and play mind-games with the boy door, somebody who is capable of a healthy, committed relationship, and unfortunately, it’s somebody nothing like you." Dawson starts to do his trademark frustrated flounce up the dock, but he pauses momentarily to look back at Jen, who has turned her back on him and started to cry, and he snorts and proceeds to fling himself up to the house, and when he turns to go, Jen turns around, hugging herself, and watches him go, and the camera pans out from the lonely lit dock as a falsetto croons, "What have I done?"
Well, I just finished the last damn first-season recap on my docket. In the episode, Billy asks to Dawson to "take a little ride with" him, Jen demands to know why Billy hasn’t left yet, Pacey and Dawson join Billy on "a little road trip," a skeevy football player tells everyone Joey slept with him when she in fact did not, Dawson macks on an older woman, Jen helps Joey get revenge, and I don’t have to deal with a single minute of it. Take it away, Wing.