Previously on Dawson's Creek, Jen tells Dawson to slow down, Joey asks if Dawson still wants her as a friend, and Dawson says he doesn't know.
Don't bother with the Sars Maalox Scorecard, folks, because I hated the stupid-ass Breakfast Club rip-off episode when it first aired, and to get through it again necessitated my shotgunning a pint of cherry-flavored before starting the Wrap. Anyway, fade up in the Sanctum Dawsonorum, where Dawson "Once And Forehead King" Leery and Joey "Seventh Spine" Potter watch American Graffiti. Dawson clicks off the movie peevishly, and Joey demands, "What are you doing?" Dawson complains, "I don't get this movie." How can he not "get" American Graffiti? Joey points out, "Yeah, but we've been watching it for an hour and a half, I'd kind of like to know what happens." Dawson whines, "When movies get too unrealistic, it depresses me -- I get a headache, I can't watch," and I can't relate to that from watching DC one bit -- oh, wait, I TOTALLY CAN. Memo to the writers: in future, try to avoid non-clever references to realism in art, because it only serves to emphasize the hokey and disingenuous crap you call "the script," okay? Joey points out acerbically, "'Unrealistic'? Dawson, your favorite movie is E.T.," and Dawson says, "So?" and when Joey continues to scoff, Dawson says, "But the emotion's realistic. This movie? I mean, come on! A girl has to decide between two guys, so they drag race? She agrees to go out with whoever has the fastest car?" Joey hates to break it to him, but "a fast car can be a real turn-on." Dawson wants to know why they can't just arm-wrestle and see who has the biggest biceps; Joey says, "That would work," and reaches for the remote. Dawson holds it away from her. Joey hops on top of Dawson and starts tickling him in order to get it. Dawson giggles. They freeze and stare at each other in a moment of non-sexual-non-tense sexual tension, and Joey makes an awkward "heh" sound and climbs off, saying, "You know what? This movie really threatens you, doesn't it?" Dawson tells her to "enlighten" him, and Joey puts forth the idea that "guys are attracted to girls for totally superficial reasons," and when Dawson shakes his head dismissively, Joey says, "Yes, they are! They like girls from New York with blonde hair and pouty lips and bony arms and big boobs." Ouch. Dawson looks away as Joey goes on, "But it goes both ways, Dawson -- it goes both ways." Dawson tries to defend himself by saying that Jen doesn't have bony arms. Like, ha ha. Not. Joey rolls her eyes and says, "You can't [inaudible] the idea that if a girl is choosing between two guys, she might not choose the romantic doofus who woos her with flowers and cheesy poems," and Dawson looks insulted as she rattles on, "You know, she might just choose the guy who has the faster car, or the bigger bicep, or the bigger joystick." You know, she had me until the "bigger joystick" single entendre (tm Wing).
Dawson repeats disgustedly, "'The bigger joystick'?" and Joey says, "Yes!" and Dawson tells her that "girls are attracted to romance more than anything else." Joey shoots this condescending generalization down with a snarky, "Yeeeeah. Keep hope alive, there." Heh! Dawson then says he doesn't "compete for" girls and he and Pacey don't arm-wrestle each other for the attentions of the ladies. Joey points out that Dawson doesn't like to lose, and when he asks what that means, Joey says, "Pacey has bigger biceps," and Dawson splutters, "He does not!" and Joey teases, "Are you sure? 'Cause I thought he did," and Dawson's face falls and he doesn't say anything. Joey asks why, if girls go for the romantic guys, Jen won't have sex with Dawson. Dawson splutters that Jen wants to have sex with him, and Joey wryly finishes for him, "She just -- hasn't gotten around to it?" The truth hurts; Dawson deploys his nostrils in the manner of space-shuttle landing gear, juts his chin out, and says coldly, "Let's watch the movie, Joey." He clicks the TV back on and slumps back on the bed. Joey sneers, "I thought it was giving you a headache," and when Dawson doesn't respond, Joey gives him a stare so contemptuous it could wither fresh flowers, shrugs, and turns her attention back to the movie, and then Dawson glares at her.
Credits. A steamroller running repeatedly over a cat's tail.
Scenes of Capeside High -- some exterior, some hallway, all pointless filler. Joey gives an oral report on the Japanese shogun era, only to suffer an interruption by the late-arriving Abby "My Days Are Numbered" Morgan. Abby makes her excuses to the teacher and shimmies to her seat, simpering at a football player, and Joey continues her report, and when she gets to the part where six hundred women service the feudal lord, the football player raises his hand and asks, "Did you say that six hundred chicks were all in service to just one dude?" Joey, rather patiently under the circumstances: "Well, I didn't say 'chicks,' but yes." The jockstrap asks if that means "sexual service," and the teacher warns the jockstrap -- a.k.a. "Grant" -- to calm down, but Joey answers yes, each night the shogun chose one from hundreds of concubines, at which point Grant exults, "No way, that's intense!" Joey attempts to finish her presentation, but Grant has another question, and when Joey pointedly says that she'll take questions at the end, Grant ignores her in that revoltingly entitled way male athletes so often have and asks if the concubines had to "doink" the shogun, or if they could say no. "Doink"? The teacher intercedes again, but Grant talks right over him, and Joey growls that "it was a great privilege to be chosen" by the shogun, whom Grant then compares to "the school stud -- every chick wanted a piece of him, right?" The rest of the class cracks up as Joey sneers, "You know what, they didn't want a 'piece' of him," and she walks towards Grant as he says smugly, "Sounds like they did to me," and Joey snaps, "That's because you have a low IQ," and the rest of the class says, "Ooooh," as the smile fades from Grant's face and Joey glares at him. Go Joey.
In the hallway, Dawson -- whose hair looks like Val Kilmer's wig in Willow -- spots Jen "Piiiiigs Iiiiin Spaaaaaaaace" Lindley making flirtatious-looking conversation with Pacey "Mr. LeTourneau" Witter. Dawson heads over at top speed as Pacey tells Jen that people used to call Dawson "Oompa Loompa," and I don't know if you've seen Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory, but the Oompa Loompas have very large foreheads indeed. Anyhow. Dawson asks what's so funny, and Pacey says "nothing" about ten times as Jen continues to giggle, and Dawson asks again, and Jen tells him to forget about it, and Dawson smells a rat. Pacey announces the arrival of Dawson's favorite time of the day, "gym time," and proceeds to make fun of Dawson's lack of athletic ability by reminding him not to kick the basketball or hit it with a baseball bat, and Jen guffaws at Pacey's so-lame-they-need-crutches jokes. Dawson tells Pacey sharply that he'll see him later. Pacey takes off, and Jen and Dawson walk down the hall together, and Jen grouses about health class with Mr. Pickering, "just another person in Capeside who has some inexplicable grudge against me," and Dawson barely listens, telling her she looks "incredible today" and giving her a super-goofy kiss on the cheek, and she says politely, "Well, thank you." Dawson takes her hand and needles her about what she and Pacey found so funny before, and Jen gets a little annoyed at the Grand Inquisitor routine and tells Dawson she doesn't even remember, and she says she's glad it's Friday because "school is making me stir-crazy," and she proposes doing "something wild this weekend" like river-rafting or jumping naked out of a plane, and Dawson says okay, and they kiss, and Jen goes into class. On the one hand, the thought of Dawson naked gives me hives, but on the other hand, maybe "naked" means "no parachute," in which case I could totally live with it
In the locker room, Pacey rambles on about a girl doing the splits in the gymnasium or whatever, and Dawson asks for the umpteenth time what Pacey and Jen were laughing at earlier. Pacey grumbles, "Dude, you're fixated. Move on." Word. Dawson observes that, if Pacey won't tell him, then obviously "you were talkin' trash about me," and Pacey denies this, saying he doesn't talk trash, he recycles it. Har. Dee. Har. Har. Not. Dawson tries to flush him out by saying all nonchalantly that Jen already told him what she and Pacey said about him, and Pacey says, "No, she didn't," and Dawson says she did, and Pacey shrugs, "She did? Well, I guess that's cool -- I mean, 'Oompa Loompa' is not the worst nickname." Dawson stands up from tying his shoes and yells, "You told her people called me 'Oompa Loompa'?" Pacey doesn't see the big deal; Jen would have found out eventually, and besides, "she thought it was cute." Dawson's nostrils ripple in dismay as Pacey puts his hands on Dawson's shoulders and says patronizingly, "Dawson, you're not a little Oompa Loompa anymore. You're a big, bad, manly Oompa Loompa." Dawson poutily pushes Pacey off, and Pacey laughs at him and feints punches while teasing him, "Tough guy!" Dawson slams the door of his locker. Aw, buck up, little camper! Final score of conversation: Pacey 1, Dawson 0.
Health class. Long story short, Jen incites the ire of Mr. Pickering by arguing in favor of euthanasia. Jen mouths off. Mr. Pickering gives her detention.
A close-up of mystery meat, which fades out to Joey asking glumly for fishsticks. As the lunch lady passes Joey her plate, Grant and his friend barge into the line in front of Joey. Joey informs him, "Hey lumberjack, there's a line, and it starts back there." Grant ignores this and says, "Look who it is! You know, I dug your report, Joey -- I got a lot out of it. It was very -- stimulating," and he moves down the line, and Joey sarcastically says, "Yeah, well, you were a great help," and Grant says he especially liked it when Joey called him stupid: "I love it when chicks tease me -- it turns me on." He rubs his hands. Joey tees him high and lets him fly: "You know, Grant, this may come as a shock to you, but just because you're juiced up on steroids doesn't mean you can barge in line wherever you want -- you know, people have been waiting, and it's rude." Grant makes a big show of not knowing what she means: "You're kidding! Did -- did I butt in front of you?" Joey, not amused: "Yeah, you did!" Grant, still faking remorse: "Oh, guys, fellas, we just butt[ed] in line! God, I feel terrible, but -- you understand, don't you? It's kinda like your report." Joey: "Excuse me?" Grant indicates his jockstrap buddies and says, "We're like the shoguns, and this school -- it's like our castle." The guy behind Joey in line tries to hide a smile as Grant sums up, "Whatever we want, we get," and looks Joey over. Joey sneers, "Oh, really," and Grant pushes Joey's hair over her shoulder. Joey flinches away as he leers, "You can either be my servant, or my concubine. So what'll it be?" Joey smiles vengefully, punches Grant in the stones, slams her full tray into the face of the meathead standing to Grant, and clocks Grant in the face. As he writhes on the ground and everyone in the cafeteria gasps, Joey snaps, "Neither." Now THAT'S what I call a positive role model. Final score of confrontation: Joey 2, Date-Raping Jockstrapping 'Roidheads 0.
And now, a musical interlude. When Old Joey was in Egypt laaaand...let Old Joey...goooooo.
Gym. Cheerleaders, gold pom-poms, sweaty Dawson, sweaty Pacey. Pacey wanting to play one-on-one, Dawson asking why, Pacey saying he's "on a roll with the ladies here" and "you don't get any play when you're sittin' on the bench," Sars observing that it didn't take Pacey long to forget TaMAHra's entire existence and predicting that, if she has to endure one more sex-as-sporting-event metaphor, she will plunge a safety pin into her eye. Dawson wanting to go to lunch; Pacey bribing Dawson into playing with an offer to buy him lunch. Pacey showing Dawson up in a big way; Dawson getting all pissy about it and fixing to leave. Pacey saying he needs Dawson "to make me look good," Dawson asking angrily how he would make Pacey look good, and Pacey joking, "You suck worse than I do." Dawson taking the ball and, so to speak, going home; Pacey telling him to learn to take a joke and adding, "Come on, pass me the ball, Oompa Loompa." Dawson wheeling around and stalking towards Pacey, Pacey turning around to get the cheerleaders' attention, and Dawson slamming the ball dead into Pacey's face just as Pacey turns back around. Gym teacher yelling, "What the hell?" and storming over. Cheerleaders gathering around Pacey to tend his bloody nose. Dawson looking guilty. Gym teacher ordering Dawson to "cool off tomorrow in all-day detention." Dawson's nostrils tearing a hole in the space-time continuum.
Early morning Saturday. Dawson and Jen walk down the deserted hallway together, and Dawson remarks that neither of them "deserves to be here." Jen laughs, "Well, I don't, but I kinda think you do." Word. Unbelievably, even for Dawson, he doesn't see why he deserves detention, and Jen has to remind him that he hit Pacey in the face with a basketball and broke his nose, to which Dawson responds, "I didn't break his nose." Good comeback, Big D. Not. Jen adds, "Pacey's your best friend," and Dawson bitches that, ever since Pacey lost his virginity, "he's been copping this attitude with me," and while I know how awkward and weird it feels when your friend has more experience than you do sexually, I don't think that justifies breaking said friend's nose, especially since I have seen little or no evidence of this alleged "attitude" of Pacey's, but I would like to commend Dawson on his amazing ability to make everything, no matter how remote or tangential, about him. Well, except for the "commend" part. Anyhow. Jen chides Dawson, saying that she thought he could control his "animal instincts," and Dawson snorts that, on the contrary, they control him. They kiss and head into the library.
In the library, Pacey -- clad in a highly unflattering peach sweatshirt -- reads a book; he has two black eyes and medical tape on his nose. Dawson and Jen round the corner, and Dawson says, "What are you doing here?" and Jen gasps, "Oh my God, Pacey, look at you," and Dawson asks grudgingly after Pacey's nose, and Jen continues to exclaim that "that must hurt" as Pacey grumbles, "Broken, thanks." Jen, sympathetically: "That really sucks." Pacey, shooting Dawson a pointed stare: "Tell me about it." Jen asks why Pacey got detention, Pacey says, "It's a long, long story" (one which, I suspect, involves his confession at the school-board meeting in the episode), and Dawson sighs, "We've got eight hours." Jen compares the prospect of detention -- the three of them hanging out and doing nothing -- to "every other Saturday." At that moment, we hear Abby whine, "It's just so punitive." On the one hand, I feel I should point out that the word "punitive" does not take a comparative adverb, because either a measure is punitive or it isn't, and you cannot describe something as "so punitive" or "more punitive," but then I remember that Abby winds up paying for her offenses against English usage with her life. Heh. Abby continues to protest ungrammatically as Pacey and Dawson groan and warn Jen about Abby, using phrases like "oh, no" and "from hell," and the mousy teacher assigned to monitor detention refers primly to "school policy," and when Abby spots Jen, Dawson, and Pacey, she gripes, "Oh, great. It's Howdy Doody time." More bellyaching from Abby, to which Mousy Teacher replies, "Abby? Shut up." Go Mousy Teacher. MT then announces that detention "is not about fun and games. Detention is about penance," and she drones on for a bit about how the inmates should think about what they did wrong and how they can improve their behavior, and Joey comes in late, and a surprised Dawson says, "Joey?" and Joey says, "Hey, everybody -- what is this, some sort of surprise party?" and Pacey mutters, "Break out the piñata." MT introduces herself as the school librarian (whatever) and says that if she has to come out of the AV room (whatever) and discipline them, they'll spend the rest of the day shelving books and sorting library cards, which I personally would prefer to sitting around and feeling my buttcheeks fall asleep all day, but anyhow, she adds that "after eight hours, you're gonna be like a family," which prompts more kvetching from Abby.
MT leaves. Abby offers Juicy Fruit to everyone, but when Dawson and Joey take her up on it, she snorts, "Yeah, right." Then she asks Pacey if he injured himself by getting into a car accident while picking his nose. Like, ha ha. Not. Pacey tells her what happened, and Abby says that "it can't look any worse than it did before." Abby deduces that Dawson landed in detention for that, and asks Pacey what he did, making a weak joke about "damaging school equipment with your face," and Pacey makes a "like, ha ha, not" face, and Dawson chimes in, "He's not telling." Abby cuts to the chase, circling Pacey's chair and asking if he made up "another cockamamie story about sleeping with a teacher." "Cockamamie"? Who wrote this episode, my father? Pacey says it's none of her business, and Abby keeps at him for a little while, then blows him off and moves on to Jen. Jen complains that, although she said the word "bitch" in class, she blames Mr. Pickering's "small-town mentality -- so many people here [have it]," to which Joey icily retorts, "Oh, I'm sorry, Jen, it must be so hard for you putting up with us simpletons." Jen says wearily, "That's not what I meant," and Joey goes on, "Must be a real bitch for ya." Get it? She said "bitch," just like Jen did! Like, ha ha! Oh, wait. Not. Anyhow, Abby smiles evilly and invokes the dread "catfight," and asks Joey what she did to get detention, adding that "incarceration does seem to run in your family." Joey -- who looks quite pretty in this scene, not least because the stylists managed to get all her hair into the braid this time -- tells Abby to go to hell. Jen, making yet another overture of friendship to Joey that will yet again go unthanked, pipes up, "I think you're the bitch, Abby," and Abby snorts, "Okay, Miss Big Apple. If you want to hang out with these backwater black sheep, don't let me stop you."
Later. The gang lounges around, half-heartedly reading, and Joey confesses, "I slugged Grant Bodean." Dawson reacts with delight, "You slugged Grant Bodean?" and Abby gasps, "No! Is that why he left school early?" and Joey says, with a hint of pride, "Yeah," only to have Abby scoff, "Oh my God, that is moronic, even for you -- I mean, Grant Bodean is like the king of the school, and a total fox. Why did they put me in here with all these violent offenders?" Dawson asks what Abby did. Abby tells him, "Don't go there, Dawson," and they all press her, getting up from the table and approaching her, and Abby says, "Look, I don't want to blow your minds," and they all say they can handle it, and Abby asks seductively, "You ever been to the boys' locker room? You ever heard of a little drug called Ecstasy? You ever heard of an orgy?" As the rest look shocked, Abby smirks, "That's all I can tell you. Suffice it to say that some people in this school aren't afraid to experience a little erotic pleasure. I don't kiss and tell, that's all I can say. Sorry." The others make "yeah, right" faces.
Later still. Dawson looks at the clock and groans, "This is sooo Breakfast Club." North America joins me in a rousing chorus of "uh DUH, Dawson" and Jen doesn't get it, and Dawson and Joey have to explain it to her, and I would have transcribed the dialogue but I couldn't reach my computer from under the crushing weight of The Anvil Of The Week, contenting myself instead with struggling weakly and moaning, "What about you, Dawson? FUCK YOU!" Jen observes, "That movie stunk [sic]. Whatever happened to those actors?" Dawson fills her in: "Anthony Michael Hall got some kind of weird thyroid condition, Molly Ringwald lost her gawky ingenue appeal, and the rest are languishing somewhere in TV obscurity." Pacey objects, "No way! Emilio Estevez was in those duck movies, remember? God -- those were classic," and he starts laughing. Oh, an in joke. How, um, clever. Or perhaps the exact opposite of "clever." The others stare at Pacey.
Ten minutes later than that -- literally. At this time, I would like to point out to the writers that giving us the "flavor" of detention does not necessarily mean subjecting us to a one-hour episode that feels like it lasted eight hours. Jen remarks in passing that her best friend in New York knows someone who used to baby-sit for Ally Sheedy. Joey makes a snide remark, Abby seconds it, and Jen snaps, "Oh, well, we can't all be like you, Abby, having your little Ecstasy gang-bangs on the floor of the boys' locker room," and Abby goes to tattle on Jen, yelling, "Mrs. Tringle! Mrs. Triiiingle!" except that the closed captioning says "Mrs. Tingle." Gee, do you think Kevin Williamson hates Mrs. Tingle or something? Because I don't know if I get it. Oh, wait -- I do! I do get it! I! GET! IT! NOW GET THIS GODDAMN ANVIL OFF OF ME! Abby finds Mrs. Tingle, or Tringle, or whatever, in the AV room watching a soap opera, and when she finally gets Mrs. Tringle's, or Tingle's, or whatever's, attention, she asks very sweetly to go to the bathroom.
Hallway. Bathrooms. In the men's room, Dawson gives Pacey a "what can you do" look, and Pacey gives Dawson a "drop dead" look and leaves the bathroom without a word. In the ladies', Abby comments on the "weird sexual tension" between the other four as she puts on lipstick. In response, Jen and Joey flush their respective toilets. Like, ha -- oh, forget it.
Back in the library. Abby and Pacey bicker back and forth -- Abby bored blah blah blah Pacey "where's your Ecstasy" blah blah blah Abby wouldn't share it with "Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer" blah blah blah Pacey "perverted reindeer games" fishcakes -- as once again the screenwriters of Heathers wonder whether their checks got lost in the mail. Anyway, "reindeer games" inspires Abby to suggest that they all play a game, namely Truth Or Dare, and Pacey and Joey at the table and Jen and Dawson snuggling in the stacks all groan, and Abby wheedles, "Please? I'll be your best friend," and joins Jen and Dawson among the books as Pacey and Joey follow her. She'll submit first, she says, and Dawson doesn't want to play, and Abby insists, and he jokingly asks what planet she came from, and she says "Earth" and then "my turn," and Dawson protests, but Abby snarls, "Look, there are rules to this game, and your turn is over. Now it's my turn, and I want to ask -- Pacey! Truth or dare, Pacey?" He threatens her by saying, "Just remember, it's my turn ," and she makes "oh, I'm so scared, not" noises, and he doesn't care which, truth or dare, so Abby decides "truth" for him and asks again why he got detention. Pacey glares at her with his blackened eyes; the others wait expectantly. Pacey gabbles for a minute, then decides he wants a dare instead, and Joey needles him, but he stands firm. Abby says fine, take a dare, and dares him to kiss Jen on the lips for ten seconds. Dawson splutters, but Abby pushes Jen towards Pacey and says, "We're waiting," and Dawson folds his arms, and his nostrils expand to fill an area roughly equal to the total acreage of Levittown, and Joey looks positively overjoyed as Pacey sneers, "This is stupid," and Jen says that nobody wants to play the game, and Joey says innocently, "I do, and Pacey, you said 'dare' -- you'd better do as she says." Pacey looks at Dawson and says, "Fine, what do I care," and as Dawson's brows shoot up and Abby laughs, Pacey and Jen kiss. Dawson fumes. They break the kiss, and both of them got more into it than they thought they would, and Jen looks at Dawson apologetically and wipes her mouth as Pacey turns on Joey and snarls, "Okay, Joey, Miss You'd-Better-Do-As-She-Says, truth or dare?"
Joey tries to object but Pacey cuts her off, so she chooses truth. Pacey rubs his hands together: "Who do you like?" Joey parries the question by pretending she doesn't understand it, but Pacey won't be put off: "Yeah. Simple question. Who are you in love with? The truth." Pacey folds his arms and looks at Dawson, who looks blankly back at him. Jen furrows her brow sympathetically as Joey stutters, "Did I say 'truth'? I meant 'dare.'" Abby mocks Joey and the rest as "wimps," and Joey says she'll do anything, so Pacey dares her to kiss Dawson on the lips for fifteen seconds. Joey says, "No way. No," and Dawson tells Pacey to "grow up" as Jen looks anxious, but the others gang up on Joey, and when Pacey points out, "You did say you'd do anything," Joey says, "Fine. Dawson, come here." Dawson walks over to Joey with marked reluctance, and when he reaches her he looks longingly at Jen, and Joey looks at Jen too, and Abby whispers gleefully, "I'll keep the time," and after a great deal of fidgeting, they kiss, with decidedly more fervor than Pacey and Jen had. Joey raises her hand to touch Dawson's face as a Lilithite begins to croon huskily on the soundtrack, and a pre-crying Jen bites her lip, and Pacey smirks, and Abby keeps time, and when Abby says "fifteen" they don't stop kissing right away, at least not until Jen nervously says, "Okay," and they break apart. Dawson looks befuddled, Joey looks horrified, and Abby asks cheerfully, "So, are we having fun yet?" The others all turn to scowl at her.
I won't run out and buy Lipton iced tea or anything, but I do love that Junior Brown.
Back at the library, Chris Noth rips my shirt off with his teeth as -- oh, sorry, I must have nodded off for a second there. Back at the library, Joey contemplates her recently completed lip-lock with Dawson, and Abby prods her to take her turn. Joey chooses Jen, who stares at Joey resentfully and says "truth" very quietly, and Joey asks her, "Okay -- out of all the guys at Capeside, is Dawson the one you're most attracted to?" Jen says irritably, "Do I like Dawson the most? Yeah, of course, I --" Joey cuts her off: "No, I didn't ask you if you liked him the best, I asked you if he's the one you're most attracted to." Dawson, standing between the two girls, stares back and forth at each of them like he's watching a tennis match. Joey stares expectantly at Jen, and Jen waffles, "Well, what do you mean 'attracted to'?" and an offended Dawson bursts out, "She means attracted, like physically attracted," and Joey adds, "Yeah, is he the guy you're hottest for -- when you look at Dawson, do you want to just jump his bones? Or is it that you like his personality the best, but in terms of lust you'd rather boink someone else? I don't know, someone like -- Pacey?" Um, Joey? Could you not use phrases like "jump his bones" and "boink" in relationship to Dawson? Because I just hurled up everything I've eaten since college. Thanks. Jen says, not very convincingly, "No, I like Dawson," but Joey won't let it go: "Yeah, but do you lust for him?" Jen, nearly in tears: "It's a stupid question." Dawson, aggrieved: "Why is it a stupid question?" Nostrils a-weigh!
Pacey butts in that he has no problem with the question, but Jen stammers, "It's a stupid question because, it's -- it's a stupid question because" -- Dawson stares at her -- "because the answer is, is yes, all right? Obviously the answer is yes. I lust for Dawson, okay? I'm hot for Dawson. Are you happy, Joey?" Joey gives Jen a look that could kill, and Jen sputters, "And maybe if you spent less time -- ah, forget about it," and Joey prods her to say what she has to say, she can handle it, and Dawson starts to intercede as Jen snaps, "Maybe if you spent less time dwelling on me and Dawson, you'd have a boyfriend of your own," and as they used to say backstage on The Muppet Show, the pig's got a point. Joey responds with a deeply sarcastic rant on how much she'd love to go out with one of the jockstraps at Capeside -- implying by doing so that she doesn't need a man in her life, while Jen does -- and Abby calls Joey a lesbian, and Joey snarls, "Yeah, I wish I was [sic] a lesbian, and Jen, I'm not dwelling on your relationship with Dawson, so just get over yourself." Joey stomps off, upset, and Jen closes her eyes and regrets what she said -- although, much as I like Old Joey, she needed to hear that -- and Dawson leans his head against a bookshelf before suggesting a "jailbreak" with much false cheer and bravado. Like, buck up, little campers! He grabs Jen's hand and they take off running, followed reluctantly by Abby, Pacey, and Joey.
Mrs. Dingleberry, or whatever, continues to watch Days Of Our Lives as the gang sneaks oh-so-tritely past the doorway. Out in the hall, Abby worries about getting caught, but Jen predicts that, if Mrs. Ring-a-Ding-Dang-Doo, or whatever, has taped the entire week's worth of shows, they have about an hour and a half before she surfaces. Joey wants to know what Jen proposes they do out there, and Jen suggests a game called "Guess My Butt." Cut to the photocopy room, where they merrily Xerox their asses. Jen spreads the Xeroxes out on the table and they all make non-funny comments about the copies of their butts, and Jen spots Pacey's butt, and Dawson gets all defensive and wants to know how she can tell, and Pacey reels off a string of single entendres about his butt's magnetism, which Dawson calls "pathetic" (and I can't disagree), and Pacey, his voice suddenly devoid of humor, tells Dawson, "You're just jealous." Dawson, incredulous: "Of you? Yeah, talk about delusions of grandeur." Pacey, impatient: "Dawson -- this is so blatant! That's why you threw the basketball in [sic] my nose, and it's why you've been acting like such a little puke lately." Dawson gets angry: "Me? I've been acting like a puke?" All of creation: "Yes, Dawson, you have, and not just 'lately,' either." Jen warns Dawson not to "get into this," and Abby grins as Pacey charges, "Hey, you're jealous. You're jealous of me. You're jealous of me because I'm a better athlete, you're jealous of me because I got a better sex life than you do," and Dawson starts to demur but settles for interrupting disdainfully, "Yeah, Pacey, you're a real Don Juan," and Pacey says patronizingly, "At least my nickname was never Oompa Loompa, all right?"
The girls look by turns scandalized and totally uncomfortable as Dawson's nostrils block out all sunlight to the Eastern time zone. Dawson sets his jaw, and he stalks towards Pacey and spits, "The sad reality, Pacey, is that you're not good at anything. You are a total failure, and need I mention the laughingstock of the school." One of the girls tries to shut Dawson up; Pacey glares at him with utter hatred. Jen tells them both to "chill out," and Abby asks sarcastically, "Can't we all just get along?" Pacey mutters, "You know, I never knew what it did to a man's ego to lose a basketball game," and Dawson avers that he didn't lose, and Pacey offers a rematch, and Dawson says, "Okay, anytime, anywhere."
Gym. Judd Nelson swinging from the rafters and demanding his residual check. Well, not really, but he should have. Pacey shooting free throws with his shirt off; Dawson stalking into the gym, nostrils a-flare, bitching that "the guy has sex one time, he thinks he's Wilt Chamberlain." "Wilt Chamberlain"? The writers couldn't think of a single basketball player from this decade? Does the average high-school sophomore even know who Wilt The Stilt is? Jen attempts to calm him down and says he doesn't have to do this, and he of course ignores her and stomps over to Pacey in his XXXL pants while Joey and Abby sit down with snacks and make snide comments. Dawson says that, if Pacey loses, he has to admit why he got detention. Pacey says, "Me? Lose this? Please." Jen goes over to sit with the other two girls. Cue endless montage of inept basketball playing as Abby calls out insults and Jen wonders why guys "feel the need to compete over everything," a comment Abby rightly shoots down by wryly observing, "Oh, yeah -- us sisters never compete over anything," and giving Joey and Jen pointed looks, and Joey and Jen both cringe. Dawson tackles Pacey outright while Joey suggests that Jen "get some pompoms and cheer" for Dawson. Jen says in a quavering voice, "Okay, Joey, I give up. You win. I keep trying to get you to like me, but there's nothing I can do, is there?" Joey, taken aback: "What do you mean? I -- whatever, I like you." She turns away, weirded out, but Jen won't give up: "Come on, Joey, I'm not a fool -- all your little catty comments are not lost on me, I mean, what, what did I do to you? Why -- all I've ever tried to do is be your friend." Good for Jen for finally lancing that boil, but Joey just stares at her with the world's sourest face. Abby points out, "Y'all can never be friends as long as you keep fighting over the same guy. Joey, it's obvious you're in love with Dawson." Joey slits her eyes to the left, then down, mortified, as the light of comprehension finally dawns on Jen's face and she looks pityingly at Joey, and Joey tells Abby weakly, "You're wrong." Abby shakes her head: "I saw a kiss that could set the Atlantic Ocean on fire -- don't tell me I'm wrong about that. That kiss was intense. Whew." Joey's face changes to one about to weep as she looks off in another direction, and Abby goes to get a drink and leaves them alone. Jen continues to look sympathetically at Joey.
Pacey gets Dawson in a headlock. Jen makes an overture; Joey says she doesn't want to talk about it, "not with you," and Jen says that she understands that, and Joey bursts out, "Why do you have to be like this?" Jen, confused: "Like what?" Joey, annoyed: "So nice! God! It would be so much easier if you were just -- just a total wench, that's all." Word. I hate it when that happens. Jen apologizes and offers to "be more of a wench," and Joey mock-glares at her. Then Abby spots the time and alerts the others that they have to get back to the library, and after a brief dispute over whether Dawson landed a three-pointer because he cheated, they all take off running again. Running montage, which I could swear I've seen somewhere before, especially that whole skidding-along-the-hallway-floor thing. The gang rounds a corner and -- uh oh! Final score: Mrs. Pringle -- or whatever -- 1, The Gang 0.
I would pay good money to have Jennifer Love Hewitt assassinated. Just putting that out there.
Mrs. Kringle, or whatever, asks the gang if they can think of a reason why she shouldn't give them detention Saturday as well. Abby points out that they "were starving" and Mrs. Jingle, or whatever, can't keep them in the library all day without food: "I am a member of Amnesty International." Mrs. Single, or whatever, wonders whether they planned to eat a basketball while at the gym and tells Abby to shut up, and Pacey claps a hand over Abby's mouth just in case, and Mrs. Wingding, or whatever, announces, "These cards need sorting," and dumps an entire card drawer on the floor and stirs them with the toe of her Easy Spirit pump. The kids have to alphabetize all the cards by five o'clock or they'll get detention week also; they all fall to, except Abby, who begs off because of her "carpal tunnel syndrome."
Four-thirty. Abby applies lipstick as the others finish up with the cards. "Thank God," Jen groans, then says she never thought she'd hear herself say those words. Mrs. Ka-Ching!, or whatever, comes in to check on their progress, and Abby grabs the card drawer and says all innocently that they just finished. The others gape at Abby. Abby tries to suck up to Mrs. Wingnut, or whatever, who tells Abby she needn't bother: "You've served your time in detention; hopefully you've learned something. Excessive tardies will not be tolerated at Capeside." So much for the orgy story. Whatever. Anyway, Abby blanches as the rest of the gang gives her shit, especially Pacey, who gets right up in her face; Abby doesn't back down, sneering at him before asking yet again, "The question is, why are you in detention, Pacey?" -- as opposed to, say, "Who gives a crap?" or "Does Sars still have a pulse," but we know the answers to those questions already, namely "nobody" and "weak and thready."
Dawson reminds Pacey that he has to tell them because he lost the game. Pacey scoffs. Everyone overrules him. Pacey says he won't talk. Dawson derides him: "Yeah, forget it, 'cause you can't expect Pacey to 'fess up to anything." Pacey blows his top: "I am so sick and tired of you [sic] copping this attitude with me." Dawson totally talks down to Pacey as if Pacey has let him down somehow: "I want to trust you, Pacey." Pacey reacts to Dawson's flapping nostrils with total disbelief: "You want to trust me? What, like I'm gonna steal your girlfriend or somethin'?" Dawson, self-righteously: "I wouldn't put it past you -- you'd do anything for sex!" Spoken like a true virgin. Anyhow. Pacey, horrified: "That sucks, Dawson! Is that how you feel about me?" Dawson splutters, "Well, what am I supposed to think? I mean, you, you kissed my girlfriend!" and Jen pipes up, "It was a dare, Dawson," and Pacey fumes, "Thank you!" Dawson accuses them both of getting "totally into it," and Jen says, "Well, I wasn't -- no offense," and Pacey says, "None taken," but Dawson hasn't finished his childishly paranoid rant, and he brings up the "whole Oompa Loompa thing," and Pacey explodes, "Oh, for the love of God, Dawson, you've blown that thing so far out of proportion," and Dawson admits that maybe he has, but Pacey doesn't understand -- Dawson hates those words, and every insecurity he has about himself "exists inside those two words -- when you call me that, it's like you're exposing me, for not being Mr. Varsity Athlete, for not being sexually experienced." Um, Dawson? You've already exposed yourself as a social, sexual, and emotional Smurf, so how about SHUTTING UP? Joey rolls her eyes as Dawson flaps his arms and says, "Look, I'm a virgin, okay? I'm not some big sex stud like you." Pacey, perplexed: "'Big sex stud'? Please, tell me you're joking, Dawson." Pacey looks at Dawson's nostrils, inflating and deflating like a set of bellows, and relents: "Okay. Do you want to know why I'm in here?" Dawson nods. Pacey swears them all to secrecy and confesses that, after Dawson brained him with the basketball, the cheerleaders ministered to his injuries, and Pacey "got a little excited." "Oh, no," groans Joey, and Pacey goes on, "It gets worse. I, ah -- I went into the bathroom to relieve the tension, if you know what I mean," and Abby giggles, "Oh my God," and apparently the coach came in to check on Pacey's nose and caught him wanking away. Abby says, "That's the most embarrassing story I've ever heard." Pacey thanks her, and asks Dawson to stop throwing basketballs at his head, because after this story Dawson should realize "that I'm no Don Juan about to steal your girlfriend," and continues, "I mean, at least you have a girlfriend, I've got nothing left." Abby notes, "You have your hand." Much though her single entendres annoyed me, I sort of miss Abby. Oh, and -- hee! Dawson apologizes for taking his frustrations out on Pacey, saying, "I guess I'm just looking for a reason why -- huh," and Jen prompts him to go on, and Dawson finishes, "Why you don't want me." Jupiter Christmas, Dawson -- you've know the girl for, what, a few weeks? Chill. The fuck. OUT. Jen sighs and gets up and says she likes Dawson "so much," but Dawson whines, "It's not enough that you like me. I want you to want me," and Cheap Trick bursts into the library demanding a royalties check -- oh, sorry, I must have dozed off again.
Jen murmurs, "You're my godsend, Dawson, and -- and I don't even think I believe in God. This school's not exactly welcoming me with open arms, you know," and she says she feels like everyone hates her and she doesn't know why -- because she comes from New York, because she's different -- and her life in Capeside "is just one great big detention that I can't escape." Joey slumps in the background as Jen goes on to say that then she thinks about Dawson and about how she's met "this great guy who is so romantic and who is so caring and who [sic] I like, and who [sic] I want, so much," and she fixes Dawson with a doe-eyed look, and Dawson returns it. (Uncontrollable urge to vomit 1, Sars 0.) Jen says Dawson helps her get through the day, she doesn't want him to change into "some big varsity sex stud," fishcakes; Dawson says he understands that Jen wants to take things slow, and he doesn't want to pressure her, "but I am human, I have hormones." He continues in this vein, and Joey looks like she might puke or burst into tears or both, and he and Jen trade non-funny, non-sexy banter about how many times a day Dawson thinks about having sex with her, and as my stomach heads for the door yelling, "Taxi!" Dawson apologizes to Pacey again, and Pacey apologizes for calling Dawson an Oompa Loompa, even though it shouldn't come as a surprise, "since I'm such a screw-up," and Dawson tenderly tells him, "You're not a screw-up," and Pacey says, "Yes, I am a screw-up, and everybody here knows it," and Abby nods, and Joey looks even closer to bawling. Pacey: "But, ah, Dawson, you're my best friend, man, and I don't want to screw that up." Dawson nods sagely.
Then, out of nowhere, Joey shouts, "You know, when did everyone become so obsessed with sex? And now you too, Dawson! If you're worried that everyone's more experienced than you, you can just rest easy -- you still have one friend who'll probably go to her grave a virgin." Dawson says, in his most maddeningly condescending tone, "Joey, it's just a matter of time," and Joey snarls, "Before what? Before my brain short-circuits and I start bedding down with every guy with a fast car and big biceps?" Dawson: "Before you find the right person." Oh, nice, Dawson. Joey glares at him and shuts her eyes before saying, "I have," and smoothing her hair. Jen shakes her head ruefully as Dawson asks, "Joey?" and Joey croaks, "I'm sorry, Dawson -- I don't, I don't know what's going on." Dawson goes over to sit beside her as she forces the words out: "I have all these feelings, these weird feelings -- I don't know how to say it, and I can't say it." Dawson looks sincerely concerned. Joey starts to cry in earnest: "We've known each other for so long, and you know everything about me, everything -- and I can't even say this, I can't. I just feel -- really lonely."
Dawson interrupts to say that he's "here for" her, and she shakes her head vehemently, but he insists, "Nothing you can say is gonna change that. Nothing. Maybe if you'd just say these things then, you know, they'll be out in the open. Your feelings won't be as strong anymore, you know? You'd, you'd be free." Joey says again that she just can't: "If I say these things, I can't ever take them back. It'll change everything, and I can't do that." Jen looks sad. Pacey looks sad. Even Abby looks sad. Great acting by Katie Holmes in this scene -- she might not have great range, but she does a lot with what she does have.
Merciful heavens above, enter Mrs. Shingle, or whatever, to tell them they can go home now, but they all just sit there in shock. Pacey covers his hands. As we fade to black, Dawson runs his hands through his hair. Final score of this episode: Dawson's Creek 1, my digestive system 0.