Previously on Dawson's Creek -- the seduction of Pacey, the infidelity of Gail, the attraction of Jen and Dawson, and the continued seduction of Pacey.
Warning: this recap may achieve as-yet-unattained heights of bitchiness -- due to a respiratory infection, I have had to substitute Hershey's Tastations for my usual diet of Camel Lights, which has resulted not only in a mood of nearly unprecedented venom but also in a severe sugar high.
Fade up on the Sanctum Dawsonorum, where Dawson "Forehead Zeppelin" Leery watches footage of Jen "Went To Market" Lindley clomping out of a taxi, footage he apparently borrowed from the DC crew, because we've seen it before, and when we did Dawson didn't have the camera running, but anyway, Dawson slobbers, "God, she's perfect," even though in this shot she's pretty much anything but. Joey "Classic" Potter snorts, "'Perfect'? Dawson, you disappoint me." Dawson, somehow able to speak in spite of the fact that all of the blood in his body has relocated to his groin in a rather rapid fashion, extols the virtues of Jen's eyes and hair, and Joey grudgingly says that Jen has certain physical attributes, but "nothing so original or mysterious to warrant perfection." "Warrant"? Dawson says, "Okay, easy." Both of them look at Jen's freeze-framed face as Joey continues in this vein, saying that Jen's face leaves nothing to the imagination and that she can predict Jen's "entire future in that face." Dawson says, "Really," managing to sound condescending and skeptical at the same time. Joey divines that Jen's "above-average SAT scores" will lead her to attend a small liberal arts college in New England, major in art history, and return to Manhattan, where she'll marry a bond trader she meets at an America's-Cup-watching party; then they'll move to suburban Connecticut, "refurbish an old farmhouse," and raise three "neurotically perfect" children. Ouch. Dawson points out that Joey has put a fair amount of thought into this scathing indictment, but Joey shrugs the comment off with, "Not really. It's so obvious." Dawson says he prefers to let Jen surprise him; Joey responds, a little too nonchalantly, "Suit yourself. I'm just trying to save you some time." While they organize a stack of Hi-8 tapes, Dawson wonders what to get his parents, who have spent every minute of the last twenty years together, for their anniversary. Joey suggests separate vacations, and Sars suggests a VO5 hot oil for Gail "Best Of Breed" Leery and a stack of Streisand albums for Mitch "The Flash" Leery. Suddenly, Dawson and Joey both freeze and stare at the screen wide-eyed as Tamara "TaMAHra" Jacobs writhes across it in slo-mo, and Joey remarks that she didn't think Dawson would have "a Russ Meyer phase" and calls the tape "the perfect anniversary gift." When she asks Dawson about it, he says he didn't shoot it, and realizes he must have left the camera on while he and Jen hid under a bush, and Joey says, "It's not without a certain quality," and Dawson calls it "very watchable." Until this point, the performers' identities have gone undetected -- at least until Dawson says, "That woman looks familiar," and he and Joey realize that, if they brushed the woman's hair out of her eyes and imagined her "behind a big school desk," they'd have Miss Jacobs. Cut to the videotape of TaMAHra looking guiltily aroused as Pacey "Name That Statute" Witter ravishes her neck with kisses, except that we can't see Pacey's face.
First-season credits. First-season hair. Singing, remarkably similar in both quality and timbre to the sound of a cat getting jammed into a garbage disposal.
Capeside exterior shots. Icehouse. At a table inside, Dawson relates to Jen and Pacey as Joey giggles along, "So there she is on tape, doing it with some guy." Jen can't believe it, and neither can Pacey, who asks in evident dismay, "Wait wait wait, what are you talking about -- you have a tape of TaMAHra?" Joey sneers, "Oh, I'm sorry, Pacey, I know you thought she was saving herself for you," as Dawson explains how he got the footage by accident, adding, "And the rest is pornographic history." Well, I made it past the first commercial, anyway, but you can now mark your Sars Maalox Scorecards at six minutes twenty-one seconds. Pacey nearly knocks a drink over as he too-casually asks if they could tell who the guy on the tape was. Dawson says, "Standard over-the-shoulder shot, I can't see the guy's face." Joey describes him as having "brown hair and throbbing neck muscles" while grimacing meaningfully. Yeah, I think we get it. Thanks for dropping that brick on my head, though. Pacey thinks he should "get to take a look at that tape," and Dawson says, "Sure -- we'll arrange a private screening for ya." Joey adds, "Yes, you can flog the bishop in privacy." Go to the light, Old Joey! Go to the light! Pacey snaps, "You know, that's really clever how you turn all that sexual repression into humor." Joey glares at him. Jen says she should get going "before Grams puts out an APB," and Dawson offers to walk with her, and Pacey calls after him that he wants to see the tape, and Joey mutters, "Pervert," and Pacey mutters back, "Prude."
Cut to the sweeping lawn in front of the Leery and Ryan households. Dawson and Jen stride up it, holding hands and doing that goofy swinging thing with them, and Dawson observes that Pacey acts like he has a lot of sexual experience, but "it's a lot of bluster." Jen has on a super-short skirt and a tight plum top which indicates pretty clearly that she needs to go up a bra size, because she has a serious case of "bifocal boob" going on in this scene. Jen says she's heard that "the more a person talks about it, the worse they are at it." Dawson: "I hardly ever talk about it." Jen: "I know. That's why I keep sticking around." Sars: "[Heave.]" They stop and give each other the pre-kiss cross-eyed look, but as Dawson leans in, Jen sees Grams peering at them from behind a curtain and says, "You know, Dawson, now may not be the best time for this," and he grumbles, "I take it we're not alone," and Jen makes a stupid comment about "practically a menage à trois," and then points out as she plays with his hair, "Just look at it this way, Dawson -- repressing desire can only make it more powerful, so I figure the time I see you, we are in for one titanic kiss." She starts to leave, then says "screw it" and hikes her tongue down Dawson's throat. Grams's jaw drops, and she lets the curtain fall.
Jen walks into the kitchen to get herself a glass of milk, and Grams rebukes her, and Jen points out that she just kissed Dawson, and Grams reminds her of "a lot of trouble back in New York starting after 'only a kiss.'" Jen says that Grams's definition of trouble "is broader than anyone's I know." Grams asks why Jen thinks her parents sent her to Capeside in the first place. Jen doesn't want to go into it and makes a sarcastic comment about hearing "a recitation" of her sins yet again, and Grams says she doesn't want to torture Jen, but she doesn't want Jen to "stray down the same path twice." Jen gives Gram a bunch of lip about getting "bored" with having the same conversation over and over and going around in circles, "so let's just end this right now. What you saw outside with me and Dawson, Grams, was only a kiss." She grabs a cookie and clomps out of the kitchen. Grams looks nonplused, and I don't blame her, since incorrigible grandchildren who took that tone with me would find themselves sailing ass-first into week, and she closes her eyes and repeats, "Only a kiss."
Faithless Hussy. The Flash. The Flash inspecting himself in the mirror; FH reading a book in her wicker chair. Both Leerys mentioning "twenty years of marriage." The Flash can't believe FH never noticed the scar on his chin, a scar which Dawson not only sees but knows the origin of. The Flash: "My son knows my face better than you do. Maybe you should, uh, start coming home early, see my face in the daylight for a change." Ouch. He kisses FH's nose. They kiss some more. Dawson leaves. Did this scene have a point?
In the Sanctum Dawsonorum, Dawson walks in on Pacey frantically shuffling through his tapes. Dawson gets all annoyed and asks what he's doing, and Pacey keeps throwing stuff around and muttering about "the tape, the tape," and Dawson reproves him: "Stop, you're messing up my dailies!" Shut up, Dawson. Dawson then asks if Pacey couldn't have waited for Dawson to show it to him, and Pacey mumbles, "I guess not," and Dawson takes it out of a secret compartment in a book and hands it to him, saying, "Dude, I knew you had it bad for her, but calm down, it's not such a big deal." Pacey sits down, turning the tape over in his hands nervously, and confesses, "Dawson, you know, maybe I haven't been entirely honest with you lately. I mean, not that I've lied to you or anything, just -- about some details." Dawson sits down and fixes Pacey with a worried look as Pacey launches into a monologue about knowing how people see him blah blah blah not "the guy who gets the girl" blah blah blah believing the things people say about him after hearing them enough times blah blah blah fishcakes. Dawson doesn't follow. Pacey, grimly: "I got the girl this time, Dawson." Dawson, incredulously: "What?" Pacey: "Call it the law of averages, call it an act of God, call it whatever you want, but -- I got her." Dawson, eyes alight with the joy of gossip: "Who? Who, who'd you get, Pacey?"
Pacey shakes his head as he gets up: "Oh, man. Uh, Dawson, I don't know how to tell you this, but, uh, the guy with the brown hair and the throbbing neck muscles, the guy with TaMAHra Jacobs, that's -- that's me." He continues fiddling with the tape case as Dawson breathes, "No." Pacey assures him that he isn't "just talking this time," even though he wishes he were, because he "can think of about forty reasons why this tape could ruin my life, not the least of which is the embarrassment factor, I mean, no guy's first time should be captured on video." Pacey trails off. A shocked Dawson sort of gabbles in response, and Pacey protests that he really likes TaMAHra, above and beyond sexual attraction, despite the fact that it probably won't work out between them. Dawson, ever the supportive friend, bandies the word "bizarre" about. Pacey very awkwardly asks if, on the tape, he looked "all right" -- if he performed well. Dawson, uncomfortable and trying not to laugh, reassures Pacey, "Yeah, you did fine, man." Pacey smiles as Dawson adds, "From what I could tell, yeah, you did fine," and Dawson looks Pacey up and down as Pacey nods and smiles some more and says, "Cool, man. Thanks," and he tells Dawson not to tell anyone and leaves, closing the door behind him. Dawson stares after him for a moment and then sighs, his forehead wrinkling in disbelief, much like the shifting of tectonic plates.
Did anyone see Return To Paradise? Nope, didn't think so.
Capeside's twee downtown. Joey suggests anniversary gifts for the Leerys, announcing to a skeptical Dawson, "Your parents are white, middle-aged suburbanites. They live for folk art." Dawson complains about their constant PDA and remarks, "It's sad, I'm actually jealous of my parents' sex life." As they wander through what looks like a department store, Joey fishes for information: "What do you mean -- Blondie isn't giving you any? I thought by now you would have, uh." She wiggles her eyebrows. Dawson: "You're a real romantic, aren't you, Joey?" Joey advises "off[ing] the wicked grandma" in order to make more progress in that area. Just then, Dawson spots his mother in the menswear section, buttoning a sportcoat onto her co-anchor, The Notorious B.O.B., with an all-too-proprietary air. When Dawson and Joey walk up to her, she greets them with nervous enthusiasm and begins babbling; Joey gives her a tight smile as Dawson tells her they've come to do some shopping. Gail introduces Bob to the kids, and as Bob trots out a feeble excuse for their presence in the store -- "while viewers like me, they hate my sportcoats" -- Joey glares at Gail. Bob says it's nice to meet Dawson finally, and that he'd like to see Dawson's film whenever it's finished, "being a bit of an indie fan myself." Gack. Gail looks uncomfortable and says they have to get going. She kisses Dawson and says goodbye to Joey. Joey says nothing as Gail and her terminal frizzies leave the store. Dawson comments that he thought Bob "was a real tool" when he first saw him on the air, but now that he's met Bob in person, he doesn't seem so bad. He asks for Joey's opinion, and she shrugs, "I think you had it right the first time."
Jen, dressed rather ironically in pink top, clomps into the kitchen. Grams asks dryly, "Dare I ask?" Jen immediately starts throwing Grams attitude and doing that weird shifting-from-foot-to-foot thing she does when she gets angry: "Your worst fears are founded, Grams, I'm going to see Dawson. And you know, maybe I'm just asking for it right now, but I would rather that you say whatever it is you're thinking than continue to look at me the way you are right now." Grams says that Dawson "only wants one thing" from Jen; Jen disagrees, characterizing Dawson as "sweet and honest and romantic." Grams then refers to Joey's habit of climbing in and out of Dawson's window, which in all fairness doesn't have much to do with Dawson per se, and Jen tells Grams that Joey and Dawson "are just friends," and some sexual tension might exist between them "but that's as far as it goes." Yeah, Jen. Keep telling yourself that. Jen goes on to say that, as far as she and Dawson go, Grams saw "the entire highlight reel" when she spotted them kissing. Grams asks if Jen has "certain feelings for" Dawson, and Jen says yes, she does. Grams sighs, "Nothing can be done about that," and hopes aloud that Jen can avoid making the mistakes they both know girls Jen's age often make. Jen naturally gets defensive, grumbling, "You always find a way to get that last dig in, don't you?" Grams calls her on it: "Everything I say isn't meant as criticism." Jen, with a sarcastic smile: "Oh, I know. Some of it is meant as judgment." Good comeback, if rather inappropriate, and she walks out as Grams's mouth drops open again, presumably in disbelief that such an uppity little brat is actually related to her.
TaMAHra drinks cappuccino and reads at an outdoor café. Her hair looks, in a word, terrible. Pacey runs across the street from the video store. Chit-chat. TaMAHra solicits suggestions on the book the class reads. Pacey suggests "something with a little action in it this time," i.e. sex, and TaMAHra rolls her eyes as Pacey starts ranting about the students' ability to "handle this stuff" now. Pacey complains that "every time somebody in one of those books has sex, something bad has to happen to them," citing Romeo And Juliet, The Scarlet Letter, and Oedipus Rex [and if I were Pacey right then, that's not a title I'd talk about too much -- Wing Chun] as examples, then saying, "It has been known to happen that every once in a while two people sleep together, they enjoy it, and afterward everything works out fine." TaMAHra asks, "You really think that is possible?" In answer, Pacey takes her hand, but after only a moment TaMAHra looks around and quickly removes it. Pacey frowns. Whatever.
Oh, for the love of Pete. Footage of It Came From Dawson's Forehead, or whatever he calls his movie. Jen screaming, Leafy Creature chasing Jen, Dawson asking Jen, "Reaction. And I want complete honesty," and Sars feeling a sudden pang of longing for La Filmette. Jen gets up from her seat in front of Dawson's editing machine (no comment) and starts to answer, but she literally hasn't gotten two words out before Dawson interrupts, "But before you say anything, just, just know that your opinion means a lot to me, and if you hate it, I can't even anticipate the downward spiral it might send me into." Shut up, Dawson. Jen smiles sympathetically and says, "Well, my pathetic shriek aside, I think it's really good, Dawson. Very promising and I'm sure it's gonna turn out great." Dawson: "Great?" Jen: "Really great." Dawson smiles like he knew that all along and makes a non-self-deprecating comment about still having a lot of pre-dubbing to do. What the hell is "pre-dubbing"? Anyway, Dawson invites Jen along to his mom's station to help with the mysterious pre-dubbing process, and when she accepts, he says, "Really?" Jen asks, "Why are you so surprised every time I jump at the chance to spend time with you?" Again, no comment. Dawson says, "I don't know -- natural skepticism, perhaps?" Jen teases him, "Well, get over it. Not everything in life has to be so complicated." Dawson, non-master of non-subtlety, makes a weird "eh heh" noise, then gets up and sits down to Jen. He coyly tells her that, in old movies, when two characters appeared in bed together, the censors made them keep at least one foot on the floor, "which I never really understood, because I figured if the characters were clever enough, they could still do almost anything." Gee, thanks, Dawson -- I guess nowadays the foot goes in the mouth, eh what? Jen twinkles at him. They start kissing, and not only can I almost hear a feedback whine from the lip mics, but I saw way more of James Van Der Beek's tongue than I needed to, but anyway, Dawson slings an arm over Jen's shoulder and starts leaning her backwards onto the bed, but before they've tilted so much as five degrees, Jen stops him cold: "Dawson. We've got plenty of time to prove our censors wrong. We don't have to prove our case today. All right?" She tickles his chin -- no, I have no idea why she does that either -- as Dawson crosses his eyes and says, "Okay." Oy vey.
Over at the station, Jen dubs her screams onto the movie. The sound guy asks Dawson if he's seen his mother yet this morning. Dawson says no, and the sound guy says he'll track her down later. Dawson gives Jen direction on a scream, which she messes up, and then he suggests they take a break. After an agonizingly long product-placement shot of a Diet Pepsi, which follows the can from its arrival in the dispenser tray all the way through a labored fifteen-second upswing of James Van Der Beek's arm, during which he holds the can really awkwardly on its side so that we can clearly read the writing, and into Jen's hand -- oh, wait, suddenly I feel thirsty. What should I have to drink? Hey, I know! How about a Diet Pepsi? Yeah, that's it -- a Diet Pepsi! I think I'll run out and buy large quantities of cool and refreshing Diet Pepsi right this very minute! I won't even put on shoes first -- I'll just run straight into traffic in bare feet so that I can get to the deli across the street as fast as possible and guzzle down liter after liter of delicious Diet Pepsi until my bladder explodes and I die of septic shock! Oh, wait, hold on a second. Memo to the advertisers: I WON'T DO THAT AT ALL.
Anyway. Dawson apologizes for his perfectionism, and Jen says she likes a man who knows what he wants, and Dawson asks, "Sorta like me?" and Jen says, "Sorta," and I'd like to know how the advertisers expect me to keep their crappy soda down while watching "dialogue" like this. Then Jen looks down the hall and says, "Dawson, look, there's your mom," and as The Guitar Of Sexual Profligacy shrieks on the soundtrack, we see Bob grab Gail by the shoulders and start sucking her face off. No, seriously. The camera zooms -- and I do mean "zooms" -- up into Dawson's face as his nostrils triple in width.
Cut to the dock. Dawson and Jen sit on a bench in the fog. Get it? "Fog"? Memo to the writers: we got it, okay? The Guitar Of Speechless Fury thrashes away as Dawson, whose nostrils now serve as a temporary shelter for half a dozen homeless families, stares bleakly into space and Jen fluffs her hair. Jen tries to comfort Dawson, saying that she knows he only has her, "a semi-stranger," to help him deal with this right now, and also they've never really talked about anything serious, but that if he wants to talk, she'll listen. Dawson whips his head around to look at her, but doesn't seem to see her and doesn't say anything. Then he turns around to face front again. Poor Jen -- every time she tries to act nice, she gets shot down.
Cut to knuckles pounding on a door. Joey opens the door and Dawson tells her firmly, "I need to talk to you." In the backyard of the Bastard Barn, Dawson says he should tell The Flash, and makes a bunch of bitter comments about Bob's "ice-blue Aqua Velva," and Joey discourages him from that course of action. Dawson gets up and continues to rage, saying that he joked about Gail and Bob having an affair but never thought they actually would, and referring to "the rate of adultery in this town" and the fact that they both have parents who have had affairs; Joey cringes. Dawson asks, "Do you think people know?" Joey shrugs, but says sadly, "People always know." Dawson: "Well, we didn't. Right?" Joey doesn't say anything. Dawson presses her, "Joey? Joey, I didn't know. Did you?" She looks away as Dawson says accusingly, "You knew. You -- how could you not say anything?" Joey protests, "Why, so you could hate me for telling you? Because you know that's what would have happened," and she has a point. Dawson laughs in disbelief as she goes on, "Besides, I thought you would have seen it by now." Dawson, whose hair in this scene looks like a wig: "What?" Joey: "Well, you're a pretty perceptive guy usually, but I think we can agree that you've been a little preoccupied." Dawson, getting riled up: "What are you talking about?" Joey, sneering: "I'll give you a hint -- blonde hair, about the last stages of a B cup?" Dawson tells her not to turn this into a discussion about Jen and accuses her of lying to him, and when she says she didn't know how to tell him, Dawson accuses her of feeling threatened by Jen, which doesn't make any sense or have anything to do with anything, but whatever, Joey says she feels not threatened but bored by Jen, and Dawson splutters, "So you lie to me to curb your own boredom," and I still don't see what one thing has to do with the other.
Joey gets up and sighs, "I was trying to be your friend." Dawson, nostrils spread to full capacity, gets all up in his self-righteous shit and points his finger at her, thundering, "No, Joey, what you did was not the action of a friend. What you did, and let me make this perfectly clear, is [sic] disengage this friendship." Joey tries to explain: "No, Dawson, I was trying and -- I didn't, I didn't know how to -" Dawson sneers, "Struggling for something to say, Joey? At a loss for words? Don't worry. Your actions are far more articulate." He turns his back and stomps off, shouting, "Bye, see you later, have a nice life," over his shoulder as he flaps his XXXL-clad arms and Joey folds her arms and stares after him instead of turning cartwheels of exultation.
Shouldn't the ad say "Nobody beats 'Nobody Beats The Wiz'"? Just wondering.
Pacey pulls up to the bike rack in front of the video store. As he dismounts, he sees TaMAHra sitting with Mr. Gold at the café and tossing her hair flirtatiously. Pacey slouches into the video store to the accompaniment of TaMAHra's silvery giggle.
Gail, attired in her Ally-McBealwear, coming home from work. Dawson gets up from his seat on the steps, and Gail says she didn't see him at the station yesterday and she'd thought he would stop by and say hello. Dawson stares at her but says only that things "got a little crazy." She asks if he has something on his mind. He says no, and she says she doesn't believe him: "You've never been very good at disguising that look of preoccupation you get when something is bothering you." Gee, might that have something to do with the giant nostrils blocking out the light of the sun? Gail, whose teasing tone implies that she has no idea what she's in for, guesses, "One of the many women in your life has got your head spinning." Dawson curls his lip and says, "Yeah, something like that," before trotting off to The Ryan Home For Wayward Girls, where he knocks on the door. Grams greets him with an icy, "Yeeees? What can I help you with?" Dawson forges ahead: "Two things, actually. First of all, I know that you don't like me [no comment], and that you look at me as some sex-crazed teenager [again, no comment] looking to corrupt your granddaughter, but I want to assure you that that's not the case, not at all." Grams, balefully: "What's the second thing?" Dawson, freaking out: "Um, I'm here to pick up Jen?" Okay, Helpful Writing Hint #27: when writing a scene, a recognizable point often makes said scene more effective.
In the park, Jen sits on a picnic table and listens to Dawson bleat about his old-fashioned notions of fidelity, which he thinks he must have inherited from his father's side of the family. Like, ha ha. Not. He apologizes to Jen for boring her. Um, Dawson? How about you apologize to the rest of North America too? Jen says he isn't boring her, and in fact she felt "a little hurt earlier" when he didn't open up to her; she figured he went straight to Joey instead. Jen has an extremely tight pair of pants on which only exacerbate her tendency to walk like a haywagon. Dawson mutters that he "won't make that mistake again," and makes Jen promise she'll "always be upfront and honest with" him: "I firmly believe that secrets destroy -- they wound and hurt and kill and -- I really want us to have a chance, okay? No secrets between us, ever." Um, Dawson? You've kissed her, like, twice, so chill, okay? Jen agrees, but tests the waters to see how he will really receive The Revelation Of Great Sluttiness: "Yeah, but don't you think that in certain situations there are things people just don't want to know?" The nostrils flutter briefly as Dawson replies, "No, 'cause even if my mom had fallen completely out of love with my dad, then she should have been honest with him --" but Jen interrupts, "I'm not talking about your parents." Dawson doesn't get it. She asks him if he hasn't wondered why her parents suddenly sent her to live in Capeside. Dawson says he thought she had to help out with her grandfather, but Jen informs him that Grams has been a registered nurse for forty years and doesn't really need her help. Dawson asks the real reason. Jen gathers her courage and says, "Okay. Honesty, right? Look, my parents didn't exactly send me up here to help out Grams. They sent me up here because the clichés about teenagers in the big city are true." Dawson: "What clichés?" Jen, impatiently: "Come on, you've heard 'em -- they grow up too fast, stay out too late, hang out with the wrong kind of people, have sex too young." Dawson, still not clueing in: "And your parents wanted to get you away from kids like that?" Jen: "No, Dawson, I was kids like that." Dawson chews his lip for a moment before the light of comprehension finally dawns in his vast cranium: "The sex part?" When Jen says, "Yeah," Dawson goes for nonchalance as he tries to ascertain Jen's exact level of experience and, um, willingness: "Boyfriend, right?" Jen, determined to rip off the blindfold: "Yeah, but not just him." Jen checks Dawson's reaction as he fakely chortles, "Okay, huh, so all that stuff you said about being a virgin before, I should probably disregard that." Jen thinks aloud that she might have sunk herself by telling him this, but he did ask for honesty, and she thinks he has a point -- he should know who he's dating. She asks, worried, "You're okay with this, right?" Dawson says, too easily, "Yeah. I mean, the way you were talking, I thought it was gonna be much worse." Jen asks him to hold her hand, and he forces out a "yeah, sure" as he sets his jaw and flares his trusty nostrils. Cue The Guitar Of Sexual Profligacy.
Pacey at his locker. TaMAHra and Mr. Gold flirting in the hallway. Pacey fuming. Sars hunting frantically for a Vivarin she thinks she dropped behind the couch last season.
Dawson and Jen run into each other in the hall. Jen "missed" Dawson this morning, and from the feebleness of his excuse, we can tell he avoided her purposely; he continues dodging her attempts to make plans later with lame pretexts like "movie stuff" and "homework." Finally, he agrees to a study break and says he'll call her, and Jen scents something in the wind and brings up their conversation of the night, but Dawson says he has to go and books, and Jen makes a "whatever" face. Hmm. Apparently, Dawson prefers his women inexperienced, so that he can feel superior to them. How charming. Well, all but the "charming" part.
Pacey. TaMAHra. TaMAHra erasing the blackboard, Pacey looming in the doorway, Sars venturing into Alphabet City to buy a dime of much-needed crack. Pacey passive-aggressive, TaMAHra befuddled; Pacey implying that TaMAHra is carrying on with "multiple partners," TaMAHra confused. Pacey openly accusing TaMAHra of canoodling with Mr. Gold and demanding that she choose between them; TaMAHra calling Pacey immature and informing him that Mr. Gold prefers the company of men. Pacey reassured; TaMAHra conciliatory. TaMAHra admitting doubts and indecision; Pacey taking comfort from her confession. Sars freebasing.
At Dawson's locker, Jen calls him on his double-standard bullshit, but she does so gently, referring to her own "pathetic insecurity" and asking for "a quick postmortem on last night" to make sure Dawson is "okay with what we talked about." Dawson, resembling a deer in the headlights, says, "Yeah, I'm fine with it." Jen says, "Really?" and Dawson points out that it happened in the past, and even if he did have a problem with it -- which, it seems, he definitely does -- what could he say? Jen says that he could tell her if it weirded him out. Dawson says he feels like she wants him to say something, but he doesn't know what. Um, Dawson? I think she wants you to tell her the truth, you hypocritical little horndog. Jen lets him have it: "Well, let me help you out. You could tell me why you've been avoiding me all day, or what's behind that look in your eyes, whether it's repulsion or jealousy or complete disapproval, 'cause I know I've never seen it from you before. You could tell me that you suddenly feel strange about us, that maybe we need a little break because you don't seem to know me, and maybe you never really did." As Dawson slumps further and further down against his locker, Jen leans closer and hisses, "Or -- and now I'll make it really easy for you, Dawson -- you could just tell me if I've left anything out." Call a lawyer, Dawson, because YER BUSTED! When he finally meets her eye, she says, "I didn't think so," and dusts his sorry ass. Go, Jen.
Over at the video store, Pacey in his customary Kramer shirt and Dawson in costume as Sir Mousse-A-Lot discuss the relative merits of dating a non-virgin. Dawson can't believe it wouldn't bother Pacey. Pacey asks why it should bother him. Dawson sputters that she's had sex with other guys. Uh duh. Pacey explains at great length that Jen has given Dawson an "in" by telling him about her past, because she knows that he's a romantic, and she knows he puts women like her on a pedestal, so she puts him at ease by more or less saying that she wants "it" as badly as he does, or, as Pacey puts it, "Your carnal needs are reciprocal." I've never thought of it like that before, and I don't know if I buy it, but whatever works for Pacey. Dawson doesn't buy it either; he accuses Pacey of not understanding the difference between sex and romance or some such balderdash, and he tries to tell Pacey that his reaction has nothing to do with sex, or with getting Jen "in the sack," it has to do with one thing, and Pacey jumps in with, "Right -- the fact that you're scared." Dawson doesn't have a comeback to this, and as he fidgets with a tape case, Pacey says gently, "Dawson, the Jen Lindley that you have built up in your mind does not entirely exist, okay? In your movies, she can be whatever you want, but in real life, the scripts got thrown out." "So it seems," Dawson snaps, and Pacey tells him just to enjoy the ride, but Dawson "could do without the unexpected plot twists." They reflect on the so-called ironies of their situations -- Jen the alleged virgin, not a virgin; Pacey the "strike-out artist," now boinking his English teacher; the happily married Leerys, not so happy. Yes, I think we probably get the point, but just in case, send in the anvils! Pacey asks if Dawson talked to his mother yet. Dawson says, "Nope. Change of plan." Pacey chides him, "Dawson, I thought you said you were gonna tell her." Dawson says grimly, "I'm gonna tell my dad." Oh, great idea. Well, maybe more "awful" than "great," now that I think about it.
Yes, it occasionally feels good to pay less. At least, it does until the shoes fall apart on your feet three days later.
Dawson and The Flash. The Flash attempts to knot his tie and asks Dawson, "Do you have any idea how long twenty years is?" Memo to the writers: why don't you save us all a lot of time and just give me the anvil? That way, I can walk on over and bang my head on it whenever I want. At least the throbbing will keep me awake as The Flash keeps babbling about the four years he and Gail "dated," and Dawson tries to tell him he needs to talk to him, but no, The Flash has moved on to the subject of his college friends who have all gotten married a second time by now (clang), and Dawson tries again by mentioning that he knows he probably picked the wrong time to bring the subject up, but The Flash doesn't listen and says, "You know, after twenty years, I can still see the same thing I did then" (clang!), and Dawson flinches as The Flash finishes strong with, "Can't imagine my life without her" (CLANG!!). Alas, I lose consciousness only briefly -- so briefly, in fact, that I don't miss Dawson murmuring, "Dad -- there's something I gotta tell ya."
The Flash says it sounds serious, and Dawson says that it is, but before he can get to the point, which, much like a desert oasis, seems close enough to touch and yet never actually arrives, Faithless Hussy bustles in, having wrangled her clown pouf into a chignon, and tells The Flash she needs another second, and they kiss, and the cooling breeze of a nostril flap soothes my wounded brow as Dawson glares at his mother. The Flash, admiring the butt of his inconstant bride: "Dawson, I'm, I'm listening." Dawson, exasperated: "Happy anniversary, Dad. Have a great time." The Flash: "That I will." Sars: "Ouch. Pass the crack."
Joey adds up receipts at the Icehouse cash register as Jen strolls in. Joey says flatly, "Sorry, kitchen's closed." Jen tries to make nice: "Well, if you can survive the shock, I actually came to see you." As Joey looks at her with an arched eyebrow, Jen says, "I need some advice." Joey, coldly: "And what field do you consider me an expert in?" Jen: "Dawson Leery." Joey doesn't want to go there, or anywhere nearby, and tries to put Jen off by saying she's busy closing up, so Jen gets straight to the point: "I told him I wasn't a virgin." Joey's brows shoot up, and she smiles and says, "I think I have a minute," and whenever Jen and Joey have one of these brief friendly interludes, I feel like they should become friends, but they never do. Anyway, Jen says that she felt Dawson's disappointment in her, and it made her mad, "and now I don't know where we are." As a random extra putters around in the background, Joey holds forth: "Well, let me tell you about Dawson. Granted he's articulate for his age, but he's not exactly mature." Word, word, a thousand times word. Joey continues, "I mean, he's a classic only child. He pouts when things don't go his way, and he only sees things in black and white. Anything else confuses him." Jen smiles ruefully: "Yeah." Joey then confides, "And when it comes to women, there are popes who have had more experience. I mean, the guy was a shrimp until last summer. To say his sex life was limited is the understatement of the decade." Oh, don't sugarcoat it, Joey. Heh. Jen tries not to snicker as Joey says, "It's barren. A desert. I don't envy what you have to deal with, believe me," but of course she does, and Jen senses this because she asks if Joey is trying to scare her off. Joey says, not very convincingly, "No," and adds, "I'm just trying to tell you that every guy who grows up to be one of the good ones was probably a dweeb with girls when he was fifteen too." Jen wants to know what Joey would do. Joey shrugs. "Same as you. I'd get hurt, mad, confused, ask people for advice, maybe the wrong people, and then I'd wait." Jen: "For what?" Joey: "For him to grow up, come around. Everything." Jen, asking about Joey as much as about Dawson: "And how long does that take?" Joey, embarrassed: "Don't go by me. I'd probably be stupid enough to wait forever." She stares into the distance until Jen interrupts her reverie by asking, "Mind a little company?" which takes Joey aback.
In TaMAHra's bedroom, which looks like that of a ten-year-old, Pacey quizzes TaMAHra on the extent of her sexual experience. She tells him she's slept with one guy in high school, one in college, and three since then. Pacey, satisfied with this answer, thanks her and goes back to reading a Time magazine article on sharks, which wins the award for strangest product placement to date, and excuse me, but have they become a couple already or what? TaMAHra then adds that, when she said "a guy in high school," she didn't mean her high school. Pacey smiles. Har. Dee. Har. Har. Not.
Over at The Ryan Home For Wayward Girls, Jen unburdens her heart to her torpid grandfather, explaining that Grams and Dawson, whom she never thought would agree on anything, both think she's a slut, and she doesn't see the big deal, and in a few years nobody will care when she did it or with whom, and she says as she strokes his hand, "By the time you wake up, maybe a fifteen-year-old girl with a shady past won't be such a bad thing," and I have to say, even though I've made up pig nicknames for her and even though her taste in men obviously sucks rocks, I still think the whole sexual double standard sucks even bigger rocks, and if Jen wants to boink her way up the Cape and back down again, she should, and nobody should get up in her face about it, because as Ernie once said, "Enjoying the pleasures in life doesn't make you a ho." Right on.
Dawson watches a skillet bounce off the head of -- oh, wait, my mistake, he watches dark clouds cross the moon as he sulks in the little agora where he and Jen first kissed. Joey walks up behind him and asks, "Hanging out with all your friends?" Dawson recovers quickly with, "Yep, that's why you weren't invited." Joey rolls her eyes and says, "Phasers on stun, I come in peace," and stands in front of him before warning him, "You're gonna screw it up, you know." Dawson, annoyed: "What?" Joey: "Jen. She came and talked to me. I told her, 'Sit tight, he'll be back.'" Dawson, not sounding grateful at all: "Thanks, appreciate it, Joey." Joey goes on, sitting down beside Dawson, "I explained to her that it's just displaced anger and you're just mad about your mom and dad," and Dawson chimes in, "I'm mad at the world, Joey. I'm a teenager," and if you'll excuse me, I'd like to welcome Dawson Leery to the wonderful world of adolescence with the gift of a deluxe folding stepladder -- not that he'll use it. Joey tells him, "Oh, by the way, we're old pals now, Blondie and I, so, ah, if you have any messages you want to get back to her, let me know," but Dawson cuts her off -- thanks, he says, but he doesn't want to talk about it right now, not with her.
Joey tries to prod him into dishing about Jen by saying, "I thought that's what you did with your friends." Dawson says icily, "It is, except I'm not sure that we are." For fuck's sake, Dawson, get over it already -- and if memory serves, the honesty strategy won't work so well for you when you try it season, Truthy Balboa, so how about shutting up? Joey mutters, "How droll. The tables have been turned." "Droll"? Dawson sits up straight and says, "This isn't just about yesterday, Joey -- it's last week, last month -- everything between us recently. We just -- we're not getting along the same way we used to." Joey narrows her eyes and asks, "So the friendship -- you don't think we're friends anymore?" Dawson exhales and tries to form a coherent thought: "I don't know, are we more, are we less, I -- all I know is it's just not what it used to be." Joey keeps staring at him as he says, "Nothing is anymore." Joey says, "It's called social evolution, Dawson. What's strong enough flourishes, and what doesn't, we look at behind glass cases in science museums." Dawson, slowly coming around: "You and I? Are we museum-bound?" Joey smiles the patented Joey Half-Smile and says, "I don't know about that," and then after a pause, "You get angry at me too easily," and Dawson jumps in, "You're way too critical of me," and they look at each other and laugh as Dawson says, "In some alternate universe we must have been married for like fifty years," and Joey says, "And I'm sure it was a wonderful wedding." "Oh, the best," Dawson says, and Joey asks, "We each brought dates, I assume," and Dawson says he had Jen by his side the whole time, and Joey poses the question of who he would take home at the end of the evening, "the date or the wife," which Dawson calls "a dilemma" and Joey deems "fascinating," but I disagree, since only by dint of stabbing myself repeatedly in the eye with a lollipop stick did I manage to stay alert during this exchange, which goes on and on and on through a rich guy at the bar, and eyes drifting, and Dawson bailing Joey out of some situation or other, and Joey asks soberly, "Did we save each other that night, Dawson?" I suppose she means "did you choose me," and Dawson looks at her, and she doesn't think he did, because her face sags a little bit as Dawson politely says it "gets a little hazy" and he can't remember, and after a little more over-extension of the already-stretched-thin metaphor, Joey says "all this subtext" has tired her out, and she starts to leave, but stops to say, "Dawson? No matter how the wedding turned out, I'm pretty sure I had a wonderful time up until the end." Dawson just says, "Yeah," and after she gets out of earshot, he says, "Me too." Dawson stays there, looking out at the harbor, and as she walks out of the agora, Joey turns to look at him, and sighs to herself, "No doubt about it. Straight to the Smithsonian." Whatever.