The previously-on-Dawson's-Creek montage: Joey busts Gail, Dawson plays Jen's passive aggressor; TaMAHra and Pacey kiss and make up.
Fade up on the Sanctum Dawsonorum. Joey "One-Spiner" Potter and Dawson "Forehead Of The Class" Leery watch a scene from From Here To Eternity in which a buff Burt Lancaster smooches with Deborah Kerr in the surf. Dawson freeze-frames the movie during an especially fervent kiss and says, "This is the Jen moment, this is my future we're watching -- me and Jen. Jen and I." Joey doesn't hide her contempt: "Hm, a black-and-white future. How retro." Dawson, unfazed: "No, I'm talking about the romantic apotheosis. My first kiss with Jen is going to be just like that." "Apotheosis"? Joey protests, "Whoa, wait a minute -- we're back to that? You mean you haven't even kissed that girl?" Dawson spouts what Jen told him in the episode: "It's not about the kiss, Joey, it's about the journey. It's about creating a sustaining magic." Joey asks doubtfully, "Did Jen fall for this warped movie logic?" Dawson says smugly, "It's not warped, it's romance." Joey gets up off the bed: "It's old, Dawson -- just kiss her, will you? Take the elevator to the floor and get off, it's time." Damn, for a second there I thought she would tell him to take the elevator to the floor and get over himself. Oh, well. Anyhow, Dawson sits up and says, "Okay, it's not that simple, Joey, it's about creating the perfect moment." Oh, for god's sake -- it's "about" getting your tongue into Jen's mouth, Dawson, so do yourself and everyone else a favor and stop overthinking it. No such luck; Dawson then muses, "It has to be planned, with the right music and lighting and dialogue." Joey tells him he "can't storyboard a kiss," and Dawson replies, "Sure you can," and Joey tries to point out that he shouldn't base his actions on movies, but Dawson disagrees, calling them "images grounded in the reality of imagination." Joey asks, "Did you just pull that one out of your butt or what?" Dawson bemoans the fact that everyone thinks of movies as fantasy, and says, "But they don't have to be." He says that anyone can "have" From Here To Eternity -- "that woman on the beach could be yours. You could be Deborah Kerr." Joey snorts, "Mm, sand in my crotch. Heaven." Dawson lectures on Joey on her "attitude," which keeps storybook romances from happening, and calls her "cynical" and "far too jaded," even for their conversation -- all the qualities we treasured in Old Joey which have, alas, disappeared. Joey rolls her eyes in response and informs him, "Romance doesn't come with a John Williams score," and when Dawson breaks in, "It's called a stereo," Joey continues, "And it doesn't come with a sunset or starlit summer night, either, and I'm personally offended by this movie mentality that would have us believe that Brad Pitt and Sandra Bullock are gonna magically drop from the sky and sweep us off our feet."
Dawson, as usual, misses the point entirely: "I didn't know you had a thing for Brad Pitt." Joey, exasperated: "I don't, it's an analogy." Dawson: "Sandra Bullock?" Sars: "Like, ha ha. Not." Joey: "Dawson! Movies aren't real!" She gestures at the TV and explains, "They aren't kissing with their tongues -- it's take twenty-two, the girl's bored, the guy's gay, it's celluloid propaganda." Dawson groans, "Joey, Joey, Joey, you bitter, jaded, cynical -- thing." Joey narrows her eyes: "You used to be bitter and cynical too. You were far more interesting." Dawson, self-satisfied: "Now I choose magic." Joey tells him that naïveté "will be your downfall," which prompts Dawson to lecture her that, one day, she'll know the feeling of longing for someone and desiring him and wanting to kiss him, and then she'll come to him and say, "Dawson, you were right." Joey, who apparently already does know this feeling, gives him a flat stare as he says brightly, "See, Joey, all you have to do is believe." As she goes out the window, Joey snipes, "Clap harder, Dawson. You may be Tinkerbell's last hope."
Credits. For god's sake, Paula Cole, shut up and buy a razor.
Establishing outdoor shots of Capeside: the ferry, the quaintness of clapboard, Ye Olde Downetowne. Over at the high school, Mr. Gold asks the film class for "some ideas" as Dawson squirms in the back of the room. Everyone brainstorms ideas for Cliff "The Once And Future Noel" Elliott's movie. Suggestions include choreographing a big production number, giving one of the characters a drinking problem, and killing someone off; Nellie "Abby Who?" Olson makes snide comments about all of them. At last, Dawson can no longer contain himself and begins blithering about dramatic tension and internal conflict and sympathy for the underdog rather than "the golden boy," and one wonders why the writers can put these words in Dawson's mouth but don't seem to know how to employ any of these techniques themselves. The class stares at Dawson. Cliff mulls over what Dawson has said as Nellie, in her capacity "as producer," appeals to Mr. Gold to shut Dawson up. Go, Nellie. Mr. Gold fixes Dawson with a well-done-Grasshopper-but-still-you-have-much-to-learn look; Dawson glares at Mr. Gold; the bell rings.
Pacey "Rico Suave" Witter macks his way into Miss Tamara "TaMAHra" Jacobs's classroom and wonders aloud if her failure to return his test means she wants to see him after class. Oh, great -- I see a whole passel of icky puns straight off the set of Van Halen's "Hot For Teacher" video in my future. Sars Maalox Scorecard for today: three minutes, 28 seconds.
TaMAHra tells him briskly, "It means you racked up another prime number on a quiz." Pacey asks hopefully, "Prime like quality steak is prime?" TaMAHra, with an indulgent smile: "Prime like 23 is prime." Ouch. Pacey winces as TaMAHra asks him if he knows anything at all about Ethan Frome. Pacey says he knows Ethan Frome has a farm, and TaMAHra sighs as Pacey breaks into a verse of "Old MacDonald Had A Farm" and tells him to knock it off, saying sternly, "This is serious. I heard the other teachers talking about your work -- or lack thereof. This is across the board. You're failing." Pacey asks her if she knows "how difficult it is to fail," and cracks that he's put a considerable amount of time and effort into flunking. TaMAHra plays along: "This is deliberate?" Pacey says, "Of course," and talks about his hope that "a certain teacher" would bail him out with "some private tutorial encounters." TaMAHra tells him, "This isn't a question of your intelligence, Pacey," and as she gets up to erase the board, Pacey answers, "Of course it's not. You see, my problem is, I have a focus issue. I need a slave-driver. Somebody with a whip, maybe?" Oh, for the love of Pete. TaMAHra whispers, "We can't interact like this," and Pacey points out that tutoring doesn't fall outside the bounds of their student-teacher relationship. TaMAHra sort of rolls her eyes, and checks her appointment book while casually commenting that she has a teacher's meeting after class but Pacey can meet her at around six: "I'll be working late." Pacey smiles an "I'm the man" smile to himself and says, "Yeah," and goes on his merry way.
Dawson rides his bike up to the Icehouse. Inside the Icehouse -- which looks a lot cleaner than it did in the second season -- "Where In The World Is" Bodie "Sandiego," Bessie "Dixie Chick" Potter, and Joey talk about how huge Bessie has gotten, and Bessie gets all defensive when Bodie and Joey tease her about her "beached whale" of a belly. Out on the porch, Dawson tells Pacey about his "big break" in film class, and that Mr. Gold will let him in the class "officially" if he proves himself this weekend as a production assistant for Nellie. They both wince at the prospect, which Pacey calls "pure humiliation," but Dawson hopes he can survive her abuse "with a winning attitude." Joey appears, tray in hand, and Pacey says, "Our serving wench is here," and as Joey sits down, Dawson whinges, "Of course, this completely ruins my romantic plans with Jen this weekend." Joey sarcastically tells Dawson to "forget WonderBra for a moment" and asks if he doesn't have to work on his own movie; Dawson says that he had originally planned to do both: "I was gonna bridge fantasy with reality [sic] and prove that yes, romance can be created." Joey tells him to shut up already with that, and Pacey asks what he's talking about. Dawson yammers on about the beauty and the beast in the last scene of the movie and shooting it "up at the ruins," to which Joey responds, "Ah, that's trespassing. Don't get caught." Dawson describes the location as "the perfect monster's haven, lush and romantic," and Pacey adds, "And the perfect place to seduce the young and beautiful actress playing Penelope -- you dog! You are sly!" Dawson objects, "You make it sound so cheap."
Joey asks if they plan to order anything or just sit there taking up space. Dawson says he has to pick up a big to-go order for the rest of the crew, and Joey asks Pacey what he wants, and he says, "Actually, something kinda sexy would be good," because he has a "maybe-kinda-sorta date this evening." Joey asks sweetly, "Who's the lucky farm animal tonight?" and Pacey wonders what food makes a woman horny, and Joey suggests, "Your polar opposite," and Dawson pipes up with "oysters," and Pacey orders "a dozen oysters -- Joey, pack 'em up." Just then, Joey looks over her shoulder to see a guy in a striped button-down shirt gazing longingly at her. She smiles at him as Pacey tells her to pack the oysters up now, and Dawson looks over at the guy too and, suddenly serious, asks, "Who is that guy?" Joey: "Who's who?" Pacey: "Uh, the guy who's breaking your neck." Dawson asks Joey if she knows him, and she shrugs that she's never seen him before, adding, "He's probably just some rich kid who just stepped off his Mummy and Daddy's yacht or something." Pacey has to make a federal case out of it: "Could it be? Joey is finally noticing the opposite sex?" Joey says sullenly, "Shut up," as Dawson looks pensive and Pacey calls out to Richie Rich, "Ah, excuse me young man! This woman here thinks you're very attractive," and Joey smacks him and snarls, "Butt plug!" Heh. Richie Rich walks by again and he and Joey gawk at each other some more as Pacey advises her, "Forget it, Joey -- guys off yachts don't go for waitresses." Joey tells Pacey that, one night in his sleep, she'll kill him, and goes to fill the orders.
Cut to Dawson, setting up a shot of a row of football helmets while Cliff (in uniform) and Nellie (in four-inch platforms and hooker-wear) discuss something or other. Enter Jen "Hog Heaven" Lindley in a cheerleader's outfit, her hair badly in need of a hot oil: "Hey, Dawson." Dawson, chuckling: "Hey -- what are you doing here?" Jen: "Oh, just living a fantasy." Dawson, hoping she came to see him: "No, seriously." Jen: "Cliff gave me a part." Dawson, with his customary lack of tact: "At no point was there a couch involved, right?" Jen: "No, Cliff's a very nice guy." She says she has two lines, which needless to say don't bear repeating, especially since Dawson doesn't seem to hear them, whining, "But Jen, you're supposed to be in my movie, not this homage to headgear." Before Jen can respond to this babyish outburst, Cliff hails Jen, "Hey, glad you made it." He shepherds her over to the rest of the "cast," telling her, "Just in time, we were just about to start," and Dawson deflates as Nellie shrills, "Rehearsal's up!" Cliff grabs his helmet from Dawson and says, "Thanks, David," and Jen, not seeming to notice Cliff's hand on her shoulder, corrects him, "It's Dawson." Dawson smiles weakly.
Pacey. TaMAHra. Ethan Frome. Pacey wants to know about TaMAHra's high-school self. TaMAHra captained the dance team, served as class treasurer, and "studied a lot." She also had a boyfriend. Pacey asks if she would have dated him. She splutters about the appropriateness of the question for this venue. Pacey asks again. TaMAHra says "probably not," but that she's learned a lot since then, "and I'm smarter now -- at least I was until a few weeks ago." She hands him a sheet of paper with summary questions for the first chapter and says that if he answers them correctly, she might give him "some positive reinforcement." Whatever.
The Icehouse. Joey takes the trash out, accompanied by the strains of violin music. Looking for its source, she sees Richie Rich sitting on his boat, clad in high-water khakis and Vans and sawing away on a fiddle. He senses her standing there and, after he finishes, quips, "No applause, just send money." Har. Dee. Har. Har. Not. Joey snorts and turns away, and he asks her not to go, and he mock-accuses her of "spying on" him, and she shrugs, "It's a public dock." He introduces himself as Anderson Crawford, as if that will induce me to call him anything other than Richie Rich (or perhaps "Kermie Rich," since his voice sounds for all the word like Kermit The Frog); Joey responds to this with "congratulations," and he asks, "So, do you come with a name, or -- just an attitude?" Joey: "Just an attitude." Richie: "And people find this charming?" Joey: "I haven't asked." He asks what brings her to Capeside, and she shrugs again, and he banters in her general direction for a minute or two, and then Joey asks what brings him to Capeside, and basically Richie has taken a leave from his all-male boarding school to accompany his parents on an antiquing trip -- not a background guaranteed to win him any points with Joey, who comments, "Well, I'm a Pisces, I'm into Harleys, body piercing, and men with tattoos." Richie, who evidently flunked "Introduction To Sarcasm," asks if Joey has come with her parents, and whether they "own a boat," and Joey lies, "Actually, we brought the chauffeur. Mother hates to sail, she doesn't like the sun, she burns easy." Richie: "What about you?" Joey: "I wear lotion." Richie: "No, I mean, do you like to sail?" Then, after some more mock-hostile flirting, Richie invites Joey sailing the day, and she says she can't, and he wheedles, "I'll show you my tattoo," and Joey says derisively, "Gap ad has a tattoo?" Old Joey, Old Joey -- wherefore art thou, Old Joey? Richie wheedles some more, and finally she breaks down and says maybe she'll go. Richie "can live with maybe" if she'll tell him her name, and she thinks for a minute before coming up with "Deborah Kerr -- son. Deborah Carson." On a scale of one to ten brickbats to the head, this subplot gets an eight.
Pacey slams the book down on a desktop: "Quiz me." TaMAHra quizzes him on some basic facts, which he gets right, but then she asks him about Ethan's strong sense of duty and says he has to cite examples from the text in his response. Pacey sighs in frustration.
Cut to video footage of Cliff, delivering a rousing speech guaranteed to whip the testosterone of his fictional teammates into a frenzy, and Dawson, rolling up AV cord and commenting snidely about "communal showers." Um, Dawson? Shut up. Oh, and one other thing -- shut up. Nellie overhears him and wonders if "someone need[s] to have a talk with Mr. Gold about someone's attitude?" Dawson tells her to "go for it" as Cliff yells "cut!" and he and the cast walk towards Nellie and Dawson; meanwhile, Nellie dresses Dawson down for disrupting filming and delaying "the entire production." Dawson asks when she started to hate him, and what did he ever do to her. Boy, what I wouldn't give for him to have asked me that question. Anyhow, the cast and crew look on as Nellie informs Dawson that he hasn't "earned" his place in the class or on the movie, and that she worked all summer on the script and doesn't appreciate his walking onto the set and trashing it, and frankly I think she's got a point. Jen looks at Dawson, then uncomfortably looks away as Nellie snaps, "I don't hate you, Dawson, but this is business, strictly professional," and then she tells him if he doesn't lose the 'tude she'll boot him off the film, and again I say, "Go, Nellie." Dawson stares at her defiantly for a moment before slouching away. Jen rustles her gold pom-poms and looks sorry for him, even though he had it coming.
Pacey, summarizing. TaMAHra, frumpily-shod feet up on her desk, the better to show off her not-all-that legs. Pacey getting the right answer; TaMAHra admitting she didn't expect him to get this far. Pacey: "Miss Jacobs was bluffing?" TaMAHra, trying to wriggle out of her end of the bargain: "Your reward is your education." Pacey having none of that. TaMAHra saying she'll owe him. Pacey taking her arm and reassuring her; TaMAHra having none of that and spluttering again about her "place of employment." Um, TaMAHra? Give us a break with the appearance-of-propriety routine, okay? Because methinks you should have closed that barn door before the horse got out. Pacey says everyone's gone home and she doesn't have to worry, and he approaches her, but she pushes him away again, and he asks, "What? What's the matter?" and very sarcastically she answers, "You know what, you're right. Let's do it!" She turns off the lights and continues, "Where should we do it? I know, my desk! Our first time should be on my desk. Strip." She starts to move books aside and says, "Hurry up. We don't have much time -- you better drop 'em," and a befuddled Pacey tugs at his shirt and says, "I know what you're doing -- you're calling my bluff to see how far I'll take it." TaMAHra shuffles more stuff around on her desk and snaps, "No no no, I'm deadly serious. Take 'em off." Pacey keeps stalling; TaMAHra asks if Pacey has condoms, "because we are going to need condoms." She begins to unbutton her blouse and remarks cheerily that, in a high school, she thinks he can probably "round some up." Pacey stammers and looks down. She asks, "What's wrong?" He observes that "this just isn't the most romantic place on earth, you know." TaMAHra laughs, "What, is this your first time, Pacey?" Oh, please -- he's fifteen, and besides that, she led him on, so I don't see why she has to act so mean. Pacey looks at her sadly, and as her face falls, he reproaches her, "You know that it is." She immediately buttons back up and says firmly, "Go home, Pacey," and tells him to find a girl his own age and not "some insane middle-aged woman," and I don't know about the middle-aged part, but TaMAHra definitely has a couple of emotional problems. Pacey objects, but she overrides him and says, "This can't go one second further -- this is beyond wrong, I hope you understand that." He takes her arm and makes her look at him, and says that she keeps saying how wrong it is, and maybe tonight she's right, but "I'm a firm believer that sometimes it's right to do the wrong thing." She looks away and sort of shakes her head as Pacey gathers his bookbag and leaves, stopping to wish her "good night -- Tammy" as he goes.
Bring me the head of Colonel Sanders.
Joey, suspiciously dolled up for a sailing outing, strolls reluctantly down the dock towards Richie Rich's yacht. Richie says, "Wow. You look amazing," and Joey does look quite pretty in this scene. He gives her a hand coming aboard and asks if she's "any relation" to the Carsons his parents know in Palm Beach; she says no, her family is "pretty much Manhattan bound," whatever that means. Richie starts dealing with the equipment, and Joey pitches in to help; Richie asks where she goes to school, and Joey lies, "Choate," and Richie comments, "It's a drag, isn't it?" and Joey says she kind of likes it, and Richie asks, "What's there to like about it?" Joey points out the privilege of going to boarding school, as opposed to getting stuck in Capeside "where nothing exciting ever happens." Richie says the boarding part seems "unnatural," what with the separation from family, and Joey says, "I keep thinking I'll get used to it, but I never do." Then, with their faces about three inches apart, they do a little I-thought-you-didn't-sail, I'm-a-woman-of-many-talents back-and-forth. Cut to a shot of Joey standing at the prow like a figurehead while Richie drives the boat and a Lilithite mewls in the background. I'd like to point out that, for a tomboy, Joey owns a fairly wide array of halter tops. Cut again to Richie and Joey playing Frisbee on the beach -- damn, how much did Whammo pay the producers, anyway? I mean, we see kids tossing the 'bee at least twice in every show! Anyhow. Richie says that his dad "doesn't really work, he just makes money," which seems like kind of an inappropriate thing to reveal on a first date; then he asks what Joey's father does, and Joey fibs that "he's the CEO of a huge conglomerate," and when Richie nosily inquires which one, Joey puts paid to that line of questioning by responding, "One of the nation's best-selling tampons." Richie wants to know, "So what's your boyfriend like?" Joey wonders, "Is this your backwards way of asking if I have one?" Richie just assumed that she did, and she asks why, and he answers, "The way that you carry yourself. You're really hands-off. It's like a clear radio signal, you know?" Joey looks perturbed as Richie says that, if he had a girlfriend, he'd want her to give off the same vibe, and then Joey asks lightly how Richie would feel if his theoretical girlfriend sailed off to the beach "with some mystery man." Richie wouldn't mind, as long as she didn't lie about it, and Joey looks perturbed again as he confesses, "Honesty is still the primary quality I'm looking for in a girl." Damn, those brickbats sting. Joey smiles to disguise her discomfort.
Cut to the film shoot, which has relocated to the Capeside High Football Stadium, and an extremely bumpy hand-held shot of two jockstraps running along and discussing the big game, and a shot of Cliff and Nellie peering at a monitor (whatever) and looking unhappy, with Dawson behind them, carrying a boom mike and making I'm-so-above-this faces. Cliff yells "cut," and Nellie asks if they can get "somebody who's not epileptic" to hold the camera, and the cameraman takes her head off, and when Dawson pipes up with a technique the cameraman can use to steady his arm, Nellie snaps, "Did you say something?" and Dawson, chastened, mutters, "Looking good." Cliff gets up and whips his light meter over his head (whatever), and Nellie tells Dawson to "go fetch" more film from the film lab (whatever). In the chute, Dawson runs into Jen, and when she asks how it's going out there, he responds, "Let's just say that, as a director, your friend Cliff is a great quarterback." Jen reminds him, "Well, we can't all be prodigies." Dawson seethes, "Helmets Of Glory? I mean, can you even say it with a straight face?" Oh, okay, Dawson -- like your creature feature is the lofty peak to which we all should aspire. And by the way, shut up. Jen admits, "Barely." Dawson asks, almost tenderly, "Why are you here? I don't get it -- I mean, except to watch me get humiliated." Jen moves a little closer: "Because I knew you'd be here -- hello?" Dawson smiles as if to say, "Of course," and asks if she wants to work on his film later, if they ever get out of there, and Jen says, "I'd love the chance to work with a real director," and if I didn't know that La Filmette would eviscerate Dawson's "work" in the second season, I would have speeyacked. They agree to see each other later and Jen heads up to the field.
On the beach, Richie explains his grassy-knoll theory on JFK's assassination by means of a sand model of Dallas. He and Joey flirtatiously debate various conspiracy theories; Joey shares her UFO theory, which involves aliens swooping down and destroying entire cities, by which she means that Richie's sand version of Dallas does not have long for this world. He says, "Oh, no you don't," and tackles her, and she crawls away, but eventually he gets on top of her and leans down to kiss her with the surf roaring away, just like in From Here To Eternity, and as Sars dodges the falling anvils, Joey wimps out and says, "L-look at the time -- I, I gotta go, my parents are expecting me." Richie gives her a skeptical look and asks, "Is that the truth, or are you just trying to wiggle out of a romantic situation?" She apologizes, and Richie helps her up and says something about taking Cinderella home. Joey levels "Dallas" with the Frisbee and turns back to Richie and says that she had a lot of fun today, "but you need to know the truth." Richie shrugs gamely and says, "And that would be?" Joey says shyly, "I'm not Cinderella -- not even close," and walks away. Richie looks perplexed.
Oy vey -- okay, film shoot. Cliff: "This is the shot, I can feel it." Dawson rolling his eyes; Jen, from the sidelines, shooting him a sympathetic glance. The shot rolling again. Cliff: "Cut!" Pacey tooling up to Dawson in a wheelchair (huh?). Dawson greeting him; Nellie also greeting him by asking, "What's loser friend doing here?" Dawson kicking Pacey out of the wheelchair. Nellie telling Cliff the "moving tracking thing" won't work and asking if they can just give up on it and use the tripod. Dawson, whose hair looks like Siegfried but with bedhead, pushing the wheelchair around the camera and asking them to let him "do it." Nellie exploding that she has "had it" with Dawson. Sars nodding in complete agreement. Cliff telling Nellie to chill and wanting to hear Dawson's idea. Jump cut to Pacey pulling Dawson Iditarod-style in the wheelchair while Dawson holds the camera. They get the shot, everybody applauds, and Dawson's head swells up another size while Nellie pouts. What. Ever.
The Icehouse. Jen compliments Dawson for putting Nellie "right in her place." Dawson, smugly: "Thank you. The real filming is yet to come." Joey comes up and takes their order in an altogether uncharacteristically perky fashion. Jen and Dawson both try not to stare at her while ordering turkey clubs and Cokes and confiding their plans to shoot at "magic hour" in the ruins, and when she disappears into the kitchen, Jen asks, "What has gotten into Joey?" Dawson, shaking his head in disbelief: "I don't know, it's bizarre." As Joey puts up the order sheet, we hear Bessie bitch, "You were late. Look, I'm in charge until you turn eighteen or Dad gets paroled, whatever comes first." Joey bustles past her to set up the drinks as Bessie goes on, "We have to help each other out, Joey, that's just the way it has to be." Joey, unbothered, says, "I'm sorry -- ruin my good mood. I'm just trying to have a moment of happiness in an otherwise pathetic existence." When Bessie sort of sneers in response, Joey says drily, "You can relate, can't you?" Then Joey spots Richie Rich strolling up the front walk of the restaurant and freezes, and she grabs the sodas, plunks them down in front of Jen and Dawson, whips her apron off while mumbling something about "a break," scoots into a seat to Dawson, and quickly faces front as Richie enters the Icehouse. Jen asks, "Who's that?" Joey, too fast: "Nobody." Jen: "Kind of a cute 'nobody.'" "Who?" Dawson butts in. Richie approaches Joey and says, "Hey, Deborah," and she chokes out, "Hey," and he asks, "What are you doing here? I thought you were going to meet your parents." Dawson: "Who's Deborah?" Richie says that Joey is Deborah, which Dawson incredulously denies, and Joey looks more and more mortified as Richie says, "Oh, she's not -- well, then, who did I spend the afternoon with? An impostor?"
Jen, bless her heart, puts an end to the pissing contest and comes to Joey's rescue with, "It's just that -- we don't call her 'Deborah,' she's just 'Deb' to us." Joey gives Jen a grateful look as Richie asks if Jen and Dawson "are from New York as well," and as Dawson once again wonders "what's going on here," Jen again covers Joey's butt by saying she and Dawson "are just passing through" and that she and Joey/Deborah "go to school together -- and you are?" Richie introduces himself. Dawson pointedly invites "Deb's friend whom we've never met, ever" to join them, and Richie says he'll just get "a takeout [sic]," and just when we think Joey has made it into the clear, Bessie sticks her head out of the kitchen and calls, "Sandwiches up!" Jen and Dawson don't hide their amusement at Joey's predicament; Joey looks horrified. Dawson tries to help, sort of, by saying that the Icehouse's food is good, but the service is "a little iffy." Richie asks if Joey's "parents" will let her come out later, and she says she doesn't think so -- "big family Scrabble tournament tonight." Bessie, getting exasperated: "Hey, Joey!" Joey, getting desperate: "I might be able to sneak away later." Richie says she knows where to find him as Bessie snaps, "Planet earth to Joey!" Joey, frantic to get rid of Richie: "I'll come by after the game." Dawson suggests, "Hey, 'charade' is a great seven-letter word you can use in that Scrabble game," and Joey glares at him with the hatred of a thousand suns as Jen cringes, and they both kick Dawson really hard through the slats of their stools. Just then, Bodie appears with a paper bag and says, "Here you go. That's seven-fifty," and he asks Joey pointedly, "Miss, would you -- would you like anything?" Joey, beaming: "No, but -- thank you." Richie goes to pick up his order, bidding farewell to the gang, and Bessie mock-glares at Joey, and Dawson and Jen both stare at her as Jen says softly, "Well." I had forgotten all about that little vignette, and I understand why Joey would resent Jen, but she owes Jen big-time, no question.
In an empty hallway at school, Pacey does wheelies in the wheelchair. He rolls up beside the door of Mr. Gold's classroom, in which TaMAHra and Mr. Gold have a conversation about The Way We Were, and TaMAHra comments, "It's so bittersweet -- they belonged together." Mr. Gold offers to walk TaMAHra home. They flirt. Pacey seethes. When TaMAHra comes out of the room rustling some papers, Pacey says in a voice of great portent, "Hello, Tamara." She sighs officiously and says, "Mr. Gold is right around the corner." Pacey, pissed off: "I know, I heard -- he's walking you home." He gets up to follow her as TaMAHra tries to tell her that she and Mr. Gold are "friends," and Pacey sneers, "I know what you do with your students, so I guess he's in for one heck of a ride." On the one hand, ouch, but on the other hand, TaMAHra sort of deserved that. She flinches and hisses at him, "Look, you have got to stop this before it gets out of hand." Pacey firmly points out, "This is already out of hand." TaMAHra doesn't trust herself: "I have to go." Pacey grabs her as she heads up the stairs, and she turns and asks plaintively, "What do you want from me?" Pacey searches for the right word before answering, "You. I want you." TaMAHra stares at him, looking touched and defeated at the same time.
Shot of the ruins from afar, complete with -- oh, brother -- a pair of swans swimming along. Dawson and Jen huck equipment up a tree-lined trail as Dawson explains, "We're actually not supposed to be here -- the guy's dead and the son's a real ass. If you see somebody, run like hell." Jen makes a non-witty comment regarding trespassing, then asks, "What is this place?" Dawson replies, "The monster's secret haven," but Jen wants to know "for real," and Dawson goes into a long-winded tale about the guy building it for his late wife as part of his estate, and the wife loved Greece, but she got too sick to travel so he brought Greece to her, a concept that Jen deems "so romantic," which Dawson takes as a hopeful sign. They pause inside a scaled-down agora-type structure to admire the fountain and the aggressively honking Canada geese, and Jen murmurs about the beauty of the spot, and Dawson says they have to hurry or they'll lose the light. Jen asks what Dawson wants her to do, and Dawson tells her to sit on a bench "and watch me as I create the moment." Dawson, please, I beg of you -- shut up. Dawson dresses the set and puts on a Toad The Wet Sprocket tape (no comment) and asks Jen what she thinks of his using this as the closing sequence. She deems the idea "a little schmaltzy, considering it's a horror film." Dawson, backtracking: "Yeah, but I was going for the tragic ending. See, the monster's dead, but in his death, Penelope finds understanding. She comes here to his secret place to say goodbye. It's thematic. It kinda balances out all the blood." Jen says she sees it. Sars jams a knitting needle into her eardrum. Then they get ready to summon the spirit of Uta Hagen, and Jen asks Dawson to direct her, and he asks for "longing -- incredible sadness," and Jen poses herself to a pillar and looks solemn as Dawson narrates, "You've just discovered that the monster you've killed is really the man you love," and he watches her on the monitor and continues to prate on about an experiment gone wrong blah blah blah fishcakes, and after a short time, during which Jen just stands there morosely, Dawson says with a foolish grin on his face, "Cut. And print." Jen wonders if she should do it again, but Dawson calls her acting "amazing" and "perfect," and Jen says she "had a good director," and Sars doesn't think she'll ever get solid food down again, and they have an awkward pre-kiss moment before Dawson says, "It seems a shame to waste all this good production design -- the sunset, the music, the soft candlelight," and the so-called suavity of these lines make the Backstreet Boys seem positively deep, and then we cut to the monitor as Dawson finally gets the requisite stones to kiss Jen, and she starts to kiss him back, but she stops when she realizes Dawson has the camera rolling, and she says, "Wait, wait, what are you doing," and on the monitor, we see Dawson turn around to look at the monitor and stammer, "Um." Jesus, Mary, and Joseph -- could they please just kiss already? I'd like to get the puking done with, if you don't mind.
Sunset at the marina. Joey heads over to Richie's boat. Richie plays violin again; Joey comments, "You're pretty good at that thing." Richie puts down his fiddle and says he hoped she'd show up, and he comes over to the dock and says regretfully that "we leave tomorrow, but, um, I come to New York all the time. I'll take you out to dinner -- the Rainbow Room, we can dance the night away." Joey smiles sadly and says, "I'm not a very good dancer. And I prefer Boulet [sp?] -- it's my haunt, I'm an east side girl." Richie says slowly, "But Boulet isn't -" and then gives her a quizzical look and says, "Let me get you my number," and Joey looks nervous. Oops -- busted. For the record, I've never heard of Boulet, or Boulé, or whatever, and I live here, but then I don't get out much. Any road, Richie goes belowdecks, and Joey bites her lip, and when he reappears and hands it to her, he says, "Call me -- would you?" Joey says "yeah," and Richie smoothes her hair away from her face, and they have a sweet little kiss, and Sars realizes that Richie actually looks a lot like her first true love. He asks, "Can I walk you somewhere?" She shakes her head and says, "No. You, uh, you need to say right here in the moonlight. That's where you belong." He looks wistful. Joey can hardly restrain herself from grinning like a maniac at getting that first kiss over with, and I so remember what that was like. They both look sort of sad as Joey walks away. Aw -- that scene was sort of cute.
Jen, whose hair has suddenly started to look a lot better than I had recalled, has once again lined Dawson up in preparation to punt the little skeever for the field goal: "Dawson, you were videotaping a really private moment!" Dawson kneels down in front of her and begs for a chance to explain, stuttering urgently: "I wanted the moment to be perfect between us -- I wanted to create something special, something worthy of how special I think you are." Jen doesn't buy it: "Dawson, you just try too hard. You're overzealous." Dawson whines, "That's my downfall." Then why won't you stay down, Forehead Man? Jen asks, "I mean, why can't you just let the moment exist? Why do you always feel the need to make it happen?" Dawson, resting his chin on his dork-o-rama teardrop necklace, says he doesn't know, but he assures her that his intentions "are nothing short of honorable." Lord, give me strength. "I never met anyone like you before, Jen -- you scare me," he continues, and Jen says, "I scare you?" and Dawson, not even hearing her, blabbers on: "And I love the way you scare me, but it makes me nervous, and then I do or say something stupid [Word.], and then I expend all this energy coming up with ideas to be smart so that you won't think I'm stupid, but then those ideas ultimately backfire, making me look even more stupid." Blah blah blah "vicious cycle" blah blah blah "end of my rope" blah blah blah "all I want to do is kiss you, and I'm afraid if I don't kiss you soon I'm going to explode" fishcakes. Jen, instead of kissing him, says, "Oh, Dawson, this really sucks." Dawson, flabbergasted: "Why?" Jen says that now she feels scared, because he's built the kiss up so much in his mind that now it might disappoint him. Dawson, with admirable certainty: "Never happen."
As Joey walks back to the pickup in which Bessie and Bodie sit waiting for her, Bessie and Bodie give each other a knowing look. Joey gets in the front seat and Bessie asks with a teasing smile, "Where were you?" Joey, embarrassed: "Nowhere." Bessie, sweetly: "Thanks for helping me out today." Joey asks Bodie what it means that Bessie is acting so nice, and Bodie snorts, "Ah, tread lightly." Joey asks about the location of Boulet, or Boulé, or whatever, and Bodie tells her it was in TriBeCa, not on the East Side -- but it closed down a few years ago anyway. Joey closes her eyes as Bodie refers to the great chef they used to have and then asks, "Why?" Joey shrugs, "No reason," and she drops Richie's phone number into the sand beside the truck as they pull out.
Dawson remarks that "the percentage of dumb things I do is rising" around Jen, and wonders what that means. I have no comment on this matter at the moment, but Jen suspects "something extremely Freudian." "Extremely Freudian"? They hear footsteps. Dawson decides they have to hide -- leaving the expensive equipment out in plain sight -- and pulls her into a nearby bower. Meanwhile, in the little agora Jen and Dawson have just left, we see Pacey and TaMAHra on the monitor, staggering through as if drunk. Jen and Dawson whisper, and Jen gets something in her hair, and Dawson combs it out for her, and Jen sort of runs her hand down Dawson's chest, and then, at long and cheesy last, they kiss. The way I've summarized it, it sounds like it didn't take long, but I assure you that continents drift more rapidly than Dawson moves in for a liplock. In any event, speeyack. Meanwhile, on the monitor, we see Pacey and TaMAHra more or less having sex. Cut to Pacey and TaMAHra in the spoon position on some really fake-looking grass, and Pacey cuddles TaMAHra from behind and kisses her shoulders as she looks guilty and conflicted, and now Pacey Has Truly Become A Man. Shudder.