Previously on DC, Pacey confesses his porn stardom to Dawson, Jen and Dawson swap spit and deliver home truths, Jen asks Joey's advice, and Dawson has an Oedipal moment and blames it on Joey.
An ominously whistling wind blows in through the window of the Sanctum Dawsonorum, fluttering the curtains and knocking over the framed photo of Steven Spielberg that sits on Dawson "Little Lord Foreheadleroy" Leery's bedside table. I would make fun of said framed photo, but at age fifteen I had a Jack Wagner poster hanging over my bed, so I won't. "The Backbone Formerly Known As" Joey Potter picks it up, so apparently Dawson has deigned to let their friendship continue. Finished watching Twister, they debate what to watch , Towering Inferno or The Poseidon Adventure, before Dawson announces, "Hey, it's time. Let's see if our disaster-movie séance worked," and flips on the TV to get a weather report. The TV weatherman discusses the progress of Hurricane Chris and says that school officials have cancelled classes in Yarmouth, North Falmouth, and Capeside. Wow, the writers actually got the names of the towns right. Dawson yells, "Woo hoo! Score!" and high-fives Joey. Then the news broadcast cuts back to Gale "Faithless Hussy" Leery and The Notorious B.O.B.; Gale murmurs that it sounds like tomorrow "could be a good day just to stay in bed," and Bob leers, "You've got that right, Gale." A disgusted Dawson fumes, "God, could they be any more obvious?" and comments that Bob would probably turn a reference to the situation in Bosnia into a double entendre. He turns off the TV. Joey looks uncomfortable and slumps down onto the bed, and Dawson does the same as Joey asks, "Does your mom know you know?" Dawson, quietly: "No." Joey: "Dad?" Dawson: "Profoundly clueless." Joey tries to change the subject by asking in a falsely breezy tone, "So, Paul Newman or Gene Hackman?" but Dawson says, "You know, Joey, I'm kind of tired -- you mind if I sack?" Joey says no, she'll just see him tomorrow, and an awkward silence reigns as Joey puts on her shoes and Dawson -- whose hair looks like the mane of the lion in the Hanna-Barbera cartoons -- looks down at his feet. Joey finally says, "You know, you're gonna have to deal with this, Dawson." Dawson stretches his neck and says wanly, "Everything's postponed because of the hurricane, my life included," and Joey says, "Your life is a hurricane," and Dawson groans, "No metaphors, Joey, it's too late," and I agree, especially when the metaphors don't work to begin with, and Joey half-shrugs and says, "Later." As she goes out the window, Dawson says he'll see her tomorrow, and Joey stops and says, "Fasten your seat belt, Dawson. It's going to be a bumpy life," and if you listen carefully, you can hear Bette Davis spinning like a top in her grave. Dawson makes a face and turns the TV back on to watch the end of the news and obsess about his mother's sex life some more.
Credits. The sound of four hundred and fifty-nine fingernails scraping down a blackboard, known in some cultures as "Paula Cole singing."
Accompanied by the oh-so-original strains of REM's "It's The End Of The World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)," Capeside residents scurry around in the gathering wind, bringing furniture inside and boarding up windows, including Dawson, whose Dog-Boy hairstyle doesn't move despite the gale blowing as he gathers up patio chairs. In the kitchen of the No-Fault Hacienda, Gale snarls into the telephone, "Oh, well, I guess if it were the Capeside Bake-off then I would be your man," and as Mitch "The Flash" Leery comes into the room, she tells the person on the other end, "No, I'm not trying to be sarcastic, I'm trying to be a reporter. [pause] Fine, Jim. If anybody needs me I'll be right here," and she hangs up, grumbling under her breath, "Darning my husband's socks." The Flash assumes aloud that her producer isn't letting her "cover" the hurricane, and Gale fulminates that of course he isn't, since she doesn't have "a certain appendage between [her] legs," and Mitch tells her, "Well, me and my appendage [sic] are both glad that you will be here safe, where you belong." Dawson barges in as they start kissing and reels off a list, "Okay, flashlight, candles, cold shower, and batteries." Um, Dawson? Do you, like, disapprove or something? Not. Shut up. The Flash thanks him and says he's headed door to invite Jen and Mrs. Ryan over "to ride out the storm." The Flash leaves, and the smile melts from Dawson's face to make room for his gigantic nostrils as he observes pointedly, "Boy, Dad's a great guy, isn't he? Maybe on the Tom-Hanks-Harrison Ford idealistic side, but solid like a rock." Gale looks at him strangely and says, "Without question," and she sips from a mug as Dawson adds, "And faithful." Gale freezes for a split-second. Dawson continues, "Even to a fault," and Gale recovers with a too-perky "mm-hmm." Having failed to flush his mother out with this line of questioning, Dawson asks, "So who's covering Hurricane Chris?" Gale rolls her eyes and says that Bob "got the gig," and Dawson makes a snide comment about Bob being "on top of" things, and Gale says, "Yeah, he's a great guy," and Dawson corrects her, "Dad's a great guy. Bob's...the anchorman." Gale gives him another "huh?" look and asks if he secured the porch, and he says he'll get right on it -- "gotta get ready for Hurricane Bob" -- and when Gale corrects him, "Hurricane Chris," Dawson says, "Right -- Chris is the hurricane, Bob's the anchorman," and does a weird Rat-Pack hand gesture as he leaves the room, and Gale stares after him with a look of dismay and sighs, "Oh boy." I don't blame her; Dawson is self-righteous enough when he doesn't have a valid reason.
As Doug "Hyperion Boy" Witter scoops NO SWIMMING signs out of his trunk, Pacey complains about having to help him, and Doug sneers, "Aw, just stop your punk-ass whining." "Punk-ass"? Doug slams the trunk so that we can read the word POLICE on the back of the car. Gee, thanks, writers -- I wouldn't have had the first idea what Doug does for a living, what with the UNIFORM and the BADGE and GUN HOLSTER and whatnot. Well, except for the "wouldn't" part. Pacey whines about missing a day off, Doug counters with "Dad's orders," Pacey comments on Doug's "lapdog enthusiasm," Doug announces his intention to kick Pacey's ass, and Pacey tells Doug that he has to learn to deal with his hostility and stop repressing his "true homosexual desires." Doug informs Pacey, "Just because I'm pretty doesn't mean I'm gay. I happen to be the straightest guy I know." Yeah, like we care.
Pacey continues baiting Doug about his CD collection, which apparently contains Barbra Streisand and the soundtrack to Les Miz, and about his decision to enter a profession which requires him to dress like a member of the Village People, and after a little more stereotype-slinging by Pacey, Deputy Doug grabs the front of Pacey's shirt and growls, "Listen, Pacey, I'm not gay," and storms off. Pacey shrugs his shirt back into shape and smiles. And people wonder why I drink so much coffee.
Cut to Bessie's Bastard Barn, where "Where In The World Is" Bodie "Sandiego" and Bessie "Womb! There It Is" Potter argue over whether to circumcise the baby. Bessie calls the procedure "mutilation," while Bodie assures her that, if he was conscious for his circumcision, he'd definitely remember it. As they bring things in from the porch, Joey notes, "Junior's foreskin'll be a non-issue if we all blow away in a typhoon," and Bodie says not to worry, hurricanes never get as far north as Capeside, and Joey says, "Well, I vote we go to Dawson's," and Bessie agrees, but Bodie tells Bessie not to change the subject -- he wants the baby circumcised, and he makes a chopping motion with his hand to accentuate the point. Bessie still says no. Joey rolls her eyes. Bodie tells Bessie not to think he'll give her the last word just because she's pregnant, and Bessie says, "Watch me," and Bodie sighs, perplexed. Whatever.
Pacey pauses in the middle of planting black flags on the beach to look up at a house with a huge verandah and a bunch of windsocks flapping wildly. On said verandah, Tamara "TaMAHra" Jacobs rushes around bringing flowerpots inside. Pacey comes up on the porch and calls, "Tammy!" As he approaches to kiss her, she backs away with a windowbox in her arms and warns, "No, don't!" as Deputy Doug comes around the corner and says, "Yo, Pace, give me a hand here." "Yo"? TaMAHra tells Pacey that Doug "was kind enough to help me secure the place," and Pacey mutters something sarcastic, and TaMAHra asks if the bad weather has given Pacey a chance to catch up on his reading. Doug laughs, "Are you kidding? The guy's a goof -- he hasn't cracked a book since third grade." "Goof"? TaMAHra says that Pacey does quite well in her class, and Doug tells her to call him "Doug" instead of "Officer Witter," and he leans jauntily on her doorjamb and fiddles with the bill of his dorky foam-filled police hat and says, "And I can call you?" Pacey interrupts, "Oh, 'Miss Jacobs' will be fine," and TaMAHra says, "Or 'TaMAHra,' whatever you like," and Doug half-tips his hat and says smarmily, "TaMAHra." Then TaMAHra jumps at the sound of a thunderclap and says she hates storms and doesn't do well in bad weather, and Doug slimes, "Well, we'll have to do something about that," and basically invites himself over as TaMAHra giggles and goes inside; Pacey gives Doug the stink-eye.
The Leerys must have a lot of porch furniture, because we cut to Dawson, still stacking chairs and tables as The Flash herds Jen "Stayed Home" Lindley and Grams "Das Boot" Ryan into the house. Grams doesn't see the need to go to the Leerys, muttering, "If the Lord decides to blow my house away, so be it," and Jen says, "Oh, Grams, I forgot to tell you -- the Lord sent a fax while you were out, something about the Armageddon?" Um, Jen? First of all, shut up and show your elders some respect for a change. Second of all, it's just "Armageddon," not "the Armageddon" -- if you must make jokes at Grams's expense, make jokes that make sense. Third of all, shut up. Grams snorts and goes inside, followed by The Flash, as Jen laughs at her own stupid joke and says porquettishly to Dawson, "Hey, stranger." Dawson expresses concern over Jen's grandfather, who has gone to the hospital for some tests, and Jen says, "He'll be okay," but adds, "It's made Grams kinda anxious, though." She tries to make small talk with Dawson, who answers in falsely cheerful monosyllables while always keeping a piece of furniture between himself and Jen, and when she asks if she can help with anything, he flaps his arms around and says, "Uh, no, I'm cool, thanks." Jen calls him on it: "You're being cold to me, Dawson." He starts to protest, "No, I," but she interrupts, "I mean, it's not a judgment or anything, it's just an observation. Do you want to talk about this?" Dawson condescendingly tells her it has nothing to do with her, or with them, he just has "a big to-do list" in his head. Jen doesn't buy it, mumbling, "Sure," and going inside. Dawson sulks.
Inside, Jen watches a weather forecast. The Flash tells everyone to make themselves at home, and Bessie tells The Flash they really appreciate the Leerys' hospitality as Grams glances disapprovingly at Bodie and Bessie. The Flash introduces Grams to Bessie and Bodie, but before he can even finish, Grams cuts him off: "We've met. You're Bessie, Joey's...unmarried sister." She turns her back on the couple. Bessie says sharply to Grams's back, "And this is Bodie," and Grams says, "Mm hmm," and walks away without turning around, and Bodie glares at her retreating back and mimics her, "Mm hmm." Oh, crikey.
On the stairs, Gale chats on the phone, presumably with Bob, saying, "Oh, thank you, Walter Cronkite -- need I remind you who won the local Emmy and the Golden Desk award?" Yeah, like we care. Oh, and memo to the writers: Walter Cronkite retired about fifteen years ago, so maybe you could make the cultural references a little more, I don't know, current? Anyway. The camera pans over to Dawson, standing on a landing above Gale, who shakes his head slowly while eavesdropping. Gale says something like "oh, you bad boy" as Dawson begins tiptoeing down the stairs behind her, and right after she makes a string of smooching noises into the receiver, Dawson stamps his foot down to her. She tells Bob she'll call him back and gets up to face Dawson, who has stopped three steps above her, the better to look down on her and pass judgment. His XXXL-clad arms hanging limply by his sides, Dawson says primly, "I've got a new award for you, Mom. It's not a trophy, though -- it comes in the form of an 'A,' and you have to stitch it right here," and he points to his chest. Gale walks up the stairs, slaps him hard across the face, and screams, "Mind your own goddamn business, you little shit!" Oh, wait. She didn't do that. Why didn't she do that? She does stare at him without a word as he grumbles, "Congratulations."
Couldn't Andie have used Mentos to ward off her nervous breakdown? Just wondering.
Then we have to sit through a "Backlot Break," in which James Van Der Beek tells a shaggy-dog story about how Katie Holmes ate an onion before the final kissing scene in the first season just to torture him, and then she got embarrassed and brushed her teeth because her breath stank up the whole set. Great story, James. Can you tell it again the time I can't sleep?
Leaves blow wildly around the No-Fault Hacienda, echoing the emotional turbulence within. Coincidentally, the subtle-as-a-sledgehammer store called, and they've run out of Dawson's Creek writers. Dawson stalks into his Sanctum and the Faithless Hussy chases after him, pleading, "Dawson, honey, we need to talk," to which Dawson responds with, "About what, the weather?" Great comeback. Not. FH takes Dawson's XXXL sleeve and says as she pushes her Wall O' Bangs off of her forehead, "Honey -- um, I know you must be really angry right now, and it is completely justified." Dawson turns away: "Save it." Gale grabs his sleeve again: "Honey, please. Hear me out." Dawson huffs impatiently as Gale explains, "Um, I love your father. Now, I know that might seem a little hypocritical at the moment, but what is happening between Bob and I -" and Dawson interrupts without looking at her, "'Bob and me.' 'Bob and I' is grammatically incorrect," and, in all fairness, I would have gotten that dig in at that moment myself. Gale tries to get him to meet her eye: "If you let me, I might be able to help you understand this." Dawson bites off his words: "Understand what? The complicated mind of an adulteress? Do you have some new earth-shattering rationale why [sic] you're breaking the vows of marriage? It's pretty straightforward, isn't it?" I know he has a point and everything, but I would have slapped that judgmental pout off Dawson's face and into week by now. Gale manages to keep her temper, though, saying, "No, it isn't. There are reasons," but Dawson is on a roll: "Reasons? Why? Boredom, maybe? I know, why don't you pull this 'I'm 40, it's time to be selfish, life is passing me by' crap." Gale asks him yet again to let her explain, and Dawson snaps, "Fine, Mom, explain. Go for it. Purge, but purge to the right person. I'm the son. Remember, there's a whole missing element here, and I think it's downstairs, and it has a name -- husband. Spouse. Mate. Better half. Any of those ring a bell?" Gee, I guess he told her. Not. Shut up, Dawson. Gale looks very sad.
Dawson flounces -- no, he really flounces -- into his room, his lips drawn into the angry pucker of a cat's backside -- and slams the door in his mother's face. Jen, who must have snuck in via the ladder, asks, "Are you okay?" Dawson vents while hurling darts petulantly at his dartboard, saying he doesn't understand why, when his parents have sex every single day, his mother needed more; Jen observes, correctly, that "these things have very little to do with sex." Dawson asks, "Is the proposition of monogamy such a Jurassic notion? Is it no longer reasonable to think that two people can be enough for each other for their entire lives?" "Jurassic"? Oh, for Pete's sake.
Jen doesn't know the answer to that, and Dawson proceeds to theorize, while whipping darts around the room, that maybe his mother has a hormonal imbalance, and that maybe she hasn't confined her activities to Bob. Jen sticks up for the Hussy: "Your mother is a good woman." Dawson laughs meanly and says, "You defend her. Yeah, you would, it makes sense." Jen shoots out of her seat: "Excuse me?" Dawson says, "You heard me," and Jen snarls, "Yeah, I did, and you'd better clarify yourself right now before I rip your head off." Right on. She gets right up in his face, which intimidates him slightly, but he still says in a pointedly innocent tone: "I'm simply remarking, who better to understand a woman's need to have multiple partners?" Jen, on the verge of angry tears, yells, "Being that I've slept with half of New York City?" Dawson backtracks, "I didn't say that." And now, ladies and gentlemen, please direct your attention to the end of the field as Lindley lines up the punt: "We're not all as pious as you, Dawson. Some us aren't imaginary characters in a Spielberg movie -- some of us live in reality!" As Dawson sails between the goal posts for the extra point, Jen stomps out of the room, and Dawson does the patented Drama Club Vice President running of his hands through his hair and flops down on his bed. Jen, Jen, she's our man, if she can't do it, no one can!
Then Dawson hears a muffled sneeze and grumbles, "Oh, don't even tell me." Sure enough, Joey hid in his closet and overheard the whole firestorm. Dawson whines that he "can't escape" and demands, "What were you doing in there?" Joey remembers how, as kids, they used to sit in the closet and "re-enact the whole third act from Jaws," and Dawson moans, "Not now, Joey," and flops over to another chair as Joey continues to reminisce in an attempt to cheer him up, and finally he says flatly, "We're not kids anymore, Joey," and Joey points out, "But wouldn't it be nice?" When Dawson tightens the cat's-backside pucker of his mouth and doesn't answer, Joey says sarcastically, "Oh, right. It's up there with sleeping over on the 'we're too old for this' list. I see." Dawson still says nothing, just sulks beneath a puffy inverted crescent of hair that looks like a big blond crab claw. Anyhow. Joey softens her tone: "Look -- I know you're still mad at me for lying to you. Even if you won't admit it, there's residue all over your face." Clawson -- sorry, Dawson tells her she should probably go: "My verbal vomit's out of control today." Just today? Joey says impatiently, "I know what you're going through, Dawson! You're struggling to find answers, you know, you want to know why she's cheating, but -- it's, it's all perception, Dawson." Instead of realizing that, because Joey's dad cheated on her mom, Joey know a little something about his situation, Dawson just snorts dismissively and shakes his head. Joey juts out her jaw and says with her eyes narrowed, "Let me just offer the one ounce of wisdom I can bring to this table. You know, instead of asking why your mother is doing all these horrible things, may I suggest that you get down on your knees and thank God that you have a mother?" She turns to leave. Dawson realizes, too late, that he has screwed up, and he murmurs apologetically, "Joey," but Joey delivers her parting shot, "Sorry, Dawson, I forgot for a second. This isn't about me," and slams the door behind her. Bring back, bring back, bring back Old Joey to me, to me...
Cut to Bob on TV, screaming about 50-mph winds and Hurricane Christopher making "landfall here in Capeside." The Flash and Faithless Hussy watch glumly. Bodie offers spice hints to Grams, who bites his head off, and Bessie interrupts to compliment the chicken dish Grams cooked as Joey and Bodie both roll their eyes. Bob continues yelling about high waves, and The Flash clucks, "I hope Bob watches out for himself." Another eye-roll from Joey, who grumbles, "I wouldn't worry about Bob, Mr. Leery." FH gives her a look and laces her fingers tensely.
Joey goes to sit on the stairs. FH comes out of the TV room, strolls over to the stairs, stops in front of Joey, and then sits beside her as Joey looks away. FH sighs, "I guess I f -- this is really f -- every sentence that comes to mind ends with the 'F word.'" Joey says, "Well, don't hold back on my account. I've heard it." FH says, "I'm an adult, Joey, I'm supposed to set an example." Joey arches a brow and advises her, "I'd stick to the 'F word' if I were you," and a moment later, the lights flicker along with a clap of thunder. FH whispers, "I've been very selfish," and Joey answers with a tiny smile, "It seems to run in your family." FH gives her a look and tells her, "But I'm ending it," and Joey looks back at her, then upstairs, and then gives a tiny nod.
TaMAHra's house. Deputy Doug and Pacey tussle over a flower arrangement. Deputy Doug makes a point of "protecting" TaMAHra, who thanks them both for staying and hopes she isn't "keeping them from anything." Doug makes an even bigger point of going outside in the storm to check on some glass they heard breaking: "This is my job, Tammy." Yeah, like we care. Pacey takes the opportunity to out Doug to TaMAHra, and he tries to kiss her, which she dodges because of Doug "right outside," but after a minute of protesting and throwing the word "felony" around, she gives in, and then they start horsing around and they land on the floor and pull the tablecloth and all the stuff on the table down on top of them, and when Doug comes back in, he gives them the hairy eyeball. Well, at least I think the scene unfolded like that, but I had to go buy a roll of Scotch tape to hold my eyelids open, so I don't know for sure.
The Flash. Modelling glue. Dawson. The Flash imagining "a whole chain of Leery family restaurants." Dawson summoning up a limp "that's great, Dad." The Flash asking, "Something wrong, Dawson?" Faithless Hussy coming in by another door and saying, "Something's very wrong." FH preparing to confess herself. Dawson "leaving you two alone"; FH stopping him: "No, Dawson, we're a family -- this falls on all ears."
Dawson closing the other set of doors and folding his arms over his chest as FH says that she loves what she does and has always wanted to become a Diane Sawyer or a Barbara Walters (no comment). The Flash looking befuddled. FH continuing that twenty years have passed and she's given up that dream, but she accepts it and everything, and The Flash doesn't understand what she's trying to say, and she starts babbling about Sally Jessy Raphael and wondering who watches those shows about people who have done each other wrong blah blah blah "IQs of about three" blah blah blah "bitch and moan about it for the whole world to see" blah blah blah "not that kind of person" fishcakes. FH still nattering on about not winding up on a panel of lowlifes and cheaters and liars; The Flash beginning to get a very bad feeling and asking her again to get to the point. FH: "What I am saying is, for the past two months, for the past 62 days, every time that I've come home late, every time that I have made an excuse to leave this house, every time that I haven't been with you, I have been with someone else. Another man. Having sex with another man." That's gonna leave a mark. The Flash not speaking, moving, or even blinking. Dawson fidgeting. FH saying she won't insult him by offering an apology, since what she did lies "on the other side of forgiveness," but she thought he should know. The Flash still not speaking, moving, or even blinking; FH prodding him, "Mitch?" Thunder crashing. The lights going out.
Everybody who actually paid money to see Dead Man On Campus, raise your hands. Nobody, huh? I thought not
Leery kitchen. Darkness. The Flash, in denial, babbles about batteries as Faithless Hussy says firmly, "Mitch," and Dawson looks alarmed. The Flash sends Dawson out of the room with candles and flashlights and then begins to hunt for an elusive kerosene lantern while FH stares at him in disbelief, and she begs, "Mitch, please talk to me," as he mutters, "I had it in my hands, and now it's disappeared -- WHERE IS IT? Where'd it go?" He pushes his whole model onto the floor in a heap, foreshadowing Dawson's doing the same thing season, and as FH starts weeping in fear, The Flash shines his flashlight onto her rictus of tears and shouts, "Don't you dare cry! You don't get to cry," and she irons her face into a semblance of calm until he walks away, at which point she sobs out loud. Grams comes in and asks, "Is everything okay?" and FH has to pretend, "Oh, yeah, everything's fine. I think there's more candles upstairs," and she wipes her face and pushes past Grams, who just stands there surveying the mess.
TaMAHra's house. Roaring fire. More sibling rivalry, more frightful banter involving board games and "getting to know each other better" and TaMAHra's "dysfunctional ex-husband" back in New York. Doug and TaMAHra flirting Battle Of The West Side Story Showtunes Pacey gets annoyed Sars chugs a Jolt fishcakes.
Bodie and Bessie argue about circumcision again while lighting candles. Bodie says, "We don't even know if it's gonna be a girl or a boy," and Grams mutters loudly from over by the fireplace, "Or black or white," and Bodie comments drily, "Hoo, she's off and running." Bessie warns, "Bodie, don't," and Grams puts in, "It's not a judgment, Bodie, just an observation." I'm a Grams fan and all, but that sure sounded like a judgment to me, and sort of a racist one at that. Bodie asks, "Which do you object to more, Mrs. Ryan, the fact that I'm black and she's white, or that we're unmarried and about to have a child in sin?" Bessie cringes. Grams informs him, "What I object to most, Bodie, is when children raise children," and I figured Bessie and Bodie for around 25, but I guess not. Grams goes on, "Get ready, Bodie. That child will be identified as different." Okay, I can see her point there, but she could have made it a little more nicely. Bessie, her voice trembling, says, "Part black, part white, it doesn't matter, Mrs. Ryan -- this child will be one hundred percent loved." Aw. Go, Bessie.
On the porch, Jen and her unfortunate leggings light a cigarette. Joey, curled up in a corner, says in a nicer-than-usual tone of voice, "What are you doing out here? It's pretty cold," and Jen says, "It's pretty cold in there, too. I just need a little break." Jen sits down and asks her, "So what are you doing out here?" Joey replies, "Just watching Mr. Leery," and the camera cuts to The Flash moping in the Leery SUV as Jen says, "Guess it really hit the fan today, hmm?" Joey pulls a lock of hair off of her neck -- and can someone on the hairstyling team please learn how to put ALL of Joey's hair up? Like, enough with the tendrils! Get ALL of it INTO the braid! -- and asks, "So where's Dawson?" and Jen snaps, "Don't know, don't care, I'm takin' a break." Joey reassures her, "You know, it's just an ego thing -- I mean, 'How can there possibly have been anyone before me, how can I measure up?'" Jen giggles, "Is he really that trite?" and as all of North America delivers a resounding "that trite AND TEN TIMES MORE," Joey says, "I'm sure there's a measuring tape sitting in his bathroom right now," thus winning this week's Too Much Information Award. Jen, mischievously: "What do you think it's marked up at?" Joey, scandalized: "What do you mean?" Jen: "Oh, come on -- do you think Dawson's got a pistol or a rifle?" A particularly apt metaphor, considering how close I came to shooting myself during this exchange, but anyway, although I'd submerged my head in a sinkful of Maalox, I could still hear Joey protest, "Ahhh -- how would I know?" Jen prods her, "Oh, come on," but Joey doesn't answer her, saying instead after a moment, "Dawson was wrong to spew his anger at his mom onto you." Jen says, "So you heard," and Joey says, "Involuntary eavesdropping," and Jen remarks bitterly, "Well, I guess I'm no longer the Virgin Queen of Dawson Leery's hand-held fantasies," and I could have done without the word "hand-held" in that sentence, quite frankly. Joey remarks that Dawson has come to a "life-defining turning point," and as a flash of lightning lights up Jen's face, she asks, "Aren't we all?" Joey looks away, and then with an impish grin she says, "You know, taking into consideration his height, weight, feet, and hand size, I'd say he's slightly above average," and Jen ribs her, "Ah ha, so you have thought about it," and Joey blushes. Too bad this détente won't last.
By the light of a kerosene lamp, Dawson picks up the pieces of his father's model. Grams comes in and offers to help him, but he declines. Grams gets creakily down on her knees anyway and says as she hands Dawson part of the model, "Mr. Ryan used to say, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with a lot of rain." Dawson sighs heavily, "So you know, too." Grams sort of shrugs and says, "I used to be a big fan of motion pictures. Frank Capra -- It's A Wonderful Life, Mr. Smith Goes To Washington, Pocketful Of Miracles. Simple desires fulfilled, aspirations realized," and Dawson, unaware that he will spout these very things in film class season, picks up the thread: "Fears of abandonment turned into fantasy spectacles of security and joy?" Grams gives him a steely look as he explains, "Frank Capra and Steven Spielberg are often compared for their dramatic content," and then she nods and goes on, "What I liked most about those movies is the fact that, no matter how far off the pedestal the character fell, they always got a second chance." Dawson looks at her as she tells him, "Forgiveness is one of the greatest gifts the Lord has given us. With it comes -- understanding," and he says sort of skeptically, "The same way rain beats a rainbow?" and Grams nods and says, "From what I've seen of you so far, you'd better buy yourself a good umbrella," and makes a face as she gets up. Based on this scene, first-season Grams doesn't differ all that much from second-season Grams.
TaMAHra's house. Monopoly game. Wide World Of Musical Theater. Doug asks TaMAHra out, Pacey glowers, Doug blathers cheesily about "getting to know each other a little more intimately," Sars predicts that if Doug uses the phrase "get to know each other" once more she will jam the business end of a grapefruit spoon into her eye, TaMAHra mistakenly thinks Doug likes men and says, "Well, not really a real date," Doug accuses Pacey of telling TaMAHra that he's gay, TaMAHra tries to smooth things over by explaining, "I have good gaydar," Pacey swallows a gleeful smile, Doug shouts, "Tell her I'm not gay!" Doug whips out his gun and points it at Pacey and demands, "All right, you tell her right now I am not gay!" (And, really, what better way is there to convince an onlooker that you aren't gay than pulling a gun on anyone who says you are? -- WC) TaMAHra freaks, but Pacey keeps his cool, and obviously he doesn't have to take it back because Doug wouldn't actually shoot him in front of TaMAHra, but finally he admits that Doug isn't gay and Doug puts his gun away, and if you think this scene sounds boring, try actually watching it.
The SUV. The Flash scowls. A drenched Hussy rushes through the downpour and jumps into the front seat, and shivers tearfully in The Flash's general direction. The Flash asks, "It's Bob, isn't it?" The Faithless Hussy sort of nods and looks out the windshield. The Flash begins reminiscing about the first time he saw her, on the pier at the marina, and her friend that wouldn't shut up and had a soap-opera name, and as my eyelids begin to feel heavy and I wonder where The Flash is going with this, FH smiles encouragingly and reminds him of the name, and The Flash says, "From the minute Phoebe introduced us, I knew that I loved you. I mean, it was that quick, you know, because love comes that quick. It's like a decision -- love is the decision that you make, and I made it, right there, on the spot. What I need for you to know," he continues after a long pause, "is that our love came quick, and it's lasted, it's weathered the storm." He brushes her chin with his finger, and she closes her eyes hopefully, but then The Flash hits her with this: "But as quickly as I made that decision twenty years ago to love you, I'm taking it back." FH prepares to sob and beg. The Flash says in a hard tone, "I don't wanna love you anymore. I choose to hate you now." Gale pleads, "No, Mitch, don't," and The Flash informs her coldly, "It's already done, just like that. So I suggest you get OUT OF THE CAR! Before I physically remove you from it." Openly weeping, FH crawls from the front seat and stands in the muddy driveway, rubbing her arms to keep warm, as The Flash peels out.
No, as a matter of fact, not everybody needs a little KFC, or any KFC at all.
Later that day, despite darkness having fallen hours before, the sun shines down on Capesideans ("Capesudlians"? "Capesidites"?) putting all their crap back out on the sidewalk; a news voiceover intones that Hurricane Chris took a detour out to sea, leaving "only moderate damage." Not so the iron skillet that just bounced off my forehead, but I'll have to find a way to crawl over to Mr. Coffee somehow, because the camera cuts to TaMAHra's front porch. TaMAHra thanks Deputy Doug and calls the experience "a very interesting day." Well, all except for the "interesting" part. Anyway, Doug apologizes for pulling a gun on Pacey and asks her out again, and she says no thanks, she's "seeing someone right now," and Pacey smiles happily. The Witters finally leave. TaMAHra shakes her head. Words cannot describe the dreariness of that subplot.
Dawson, his hair expertly sculpted into a teardrop-bike-helmet shape, comes out onto his front porch and sees Gale, rocking in the porch swing and staring out into space. He ducks back inside and leaves her alone as The Flute Of Poignant Melancholy tootles. Running his hands through his hair, the Drama Club Vice President then spots Jen emerging from the kitchen. She announces her imminent departure, but says she has few things to say first; Dawson tries to interrupt, but she tells him to hear her out: "This seems to be the day of truth, and I'm taking my turn."
She chokes back a sob and says, "I lost my virginity when I was twelve, to some older guy who got me drunk. I don't really remember his name, but after the first pregnancy scare I went on the Pill, and I used condoms...most of the time...some of the times, um, I don't know, it's kinda blurry." She turns her back to him and continues, "I was really -- I was really drinking a lot and having blackouts and stuff and [sigh] I was sexualized way too young, and I don't wish that on anybody." Dawson, to his credit, looks genuinely saddened by her story, as he should, and I forgot all about this revelation, which I think explains a lot of Jen's mixed-up and self-destructive behavior from the second season. Anyhow. She turns back around to face him: "I mean, sex at such a young age more often than not is a bad idea. I finally got caught having sex in my parents' bed -- Daddy's little girl, fornicating right before his very eyes. He still can't look me in the face, but then again, he shipped me 200 miles away so he wouldn't have to." I've said it before, I'll say it again -- Jen's parents suck. Dawson doesn't say anything as she draws nearer to him and says, "But, Dawson, I'm not that girl anymore -- I never really was, and I'm not that white-as-snow image you've got either, I'm somewhere in between, and I just, I'm just trying to figure it out." Dawson stammers that "it's not you, it's my own stupid hang-ups," and confesses that he made the mistake of using his parents' sex life as a measure of their happiness. Jen tells him that sex doesn't equal happiness; Dawson says that he knows that now, and Jen, who really really needs to wipe her nose, apologizes for lying to him but says she can't apologize for her past, she can only start over, and, she says, "It would be really nice if you would be a part of that." "On one condition," Dawson says. "That you'll have me." He goes on to characterize his own behavior as "unredeemable [sic]," and says he doesn't deserve someone "as passionate and open and honest and beautiful" as Jen, and he's got that one right. They hug. Jen cries some more. Dawson asks, "Take two?" and Jen sniffles, "Mm hmm."
TaMAHra's porch. Teardrop-shaped wind chimes. TaMAHra cleans up the porch as Pacey appears, sans Deputy Doug, and when TaMAHra asks, "Where's your brother?" Pacey says with a sneaky grin, "I circled back," and TaMAHra says, "It's late, Pacey," but Pacey has one more "if" question for her: "If you could do any one thing in your life again, what would it be?" TaMAHra says drolly that she wouldn't have married an abusive fat stockbroker, and turns the question on Pacey, who says, "I'd be older, so I could tell the world about this wonderful woman who I am rapidly falling in love with." Golly, what realistic dialogue for a fifteen-year-old. Except for the "realistic" part. TaMAHra sort of blanches as Pacey goes on to ask if she thought her flirting with Deputy Doug -- whom he actually calls "Deputy Doug" -- would make him jealous, and TaMAHra mock-objects, "Flirting? I don't flirt," and Pacey comes up behind her and rubs her arms, murmuring, "Because if you did, it's exceedingly unnecessary." Anyhow. Pacey hugs her and admits, "I'm already jealous -- of every guy who's ever been in your field of vision, who's known the smell of your hair, who's held your body against his." TaMAHra looks sad and says, "We're getting sloppy, Pacey. You know we're going to have to end this, it's getting too dangerous," and Pacey reverts to average-fifteen-year-old mode by snorting, "Tell me that isn't a turn-on." TaMAHra rolls her eyes and says, "Oh, Pacey," and breaks away from him to go inside, and Pacey says, "Wait, I -- just one more question," and as TaMAHra gives him a resigned look, he asks, "If you could do any one thing right now, what would it be?" and TaMAHra tries not to smile, and she gives him The Look Of Cheesy Lust and pulls him into the house by his shirt front. Whatever.
The SUV Of Mopery drives up the driveway, over and around fallen tree branches, and pulls in. The Flash unbuckles his seatbelt and heaves a sigh before getting out of the car and walking up the front steps, and when he sees the Faithless Hussy sitting on the front porch, he pauses, pectoral muscles puffed out. The Faithless Hussy gives him a hurt look. The Flash sits down on the top step with a grunt. Neither of them says anything for a long time. Finally The Flash asks, "So why'd you do it?" The Faithless Hussy, in the same grim tone of voice in which she informed him of her infidelity, says, "Get ready, Mitch, because if you think it can't get worse, it can. My reason is preposterous. I have no reason. No, I woke up one day, Mitch, and I realized my life was perfect. Everything I ever wanted from the time I was six had been realized. I discovered perfection obtained is a discomforting state, and I got restless." Gale argues this angle as though she actually deserves his sympathy, and it really gets on my nerves when people who have committed a wrong try to rewrite history to make themselves the victims, but in any case, she leans forward and asks, "What do you do when everything is right, when everything is just the way you've always wanted it to be? I have the perfect home, a career, the most gifted child [no comment]...a husband who stimulates me, mind, body, and soul every day of my life," and throughout this harangue The Flash looks like he has a toothache. His wife goes on, "And I guess that left me feeling empty not wanting, and I just wanted to want again. So I set out to achieve it. And boy, did I succeed." She looks pained: "Because I want now. I want back everything that I've lost. Mitch, I'm so sorry." The Flash shushes her: "Let's just sit here, all right? I don't want to talk anymore." He fights tears, closing his eyes and leaning his head back on the porch doorjamb as Gale starts crying and whispers, "Okay." You almost have to admire the lengths to which the writers have stretched this subplot, considering how bleak things looked for the Leerys at the end of this episode.
Sanctum Dawsonorum. Joey, head resting on her knees, stares out Dawson's window. Dawson comes into the room and says, "I was hoping you'd still be here." Joey says nothing. Dawson approaches her and says, "Joey, I owe you an apology. I have been thoughtless and insensitive and self-obsessed in the extreme. But if you give me a chance to rectify my belligerent ways, I promise I will make every effort to be a friend worthy of you." Yes, he did behave in all the ways he described; yes, he'll behave that way again, and worse, but that apology was sort of sweet. Joey favors him with her patented half-smile and says, "That was a mouthful," and she apologizes too, "for using the mother card -- I keep it in my back pocket and it's way too easy." Dawson sits beside her as she hugs her knee to her chest and says, "Joe, I don't know what I would do if I lost my mother." Joey says very quietly, "It hurts, Dawson. I mean, you're born and you die and you make a lot of mistakes in between, you know? The funny thing is, you know, now that she's gone I can't seem to remember a single mistake." Okay, mock me if you will, but I found that rather touching. Sniffle.
Dawson says, in a -- for him, at least -- remarkable display of sincere unselfishness, "What can I do for you, Joey? I want to be a good friend -- what can I do?" Joey looks at him and sighs, "Well, just for tonight, can we put our rapid ascent into adulthood on hold? Please?" Dawson looks across the room, then back at Joey, then grabs Joey's arm and pulls her across the bed and into the closet, and intones, "'Sheriff Brody, that's a twenty-footer,'" as Joey chuckles and they get into the closet together (no comment), and as they trade lines from the movie from inside the closet, the camera pans down to the stuffed shark on Dawson's bed, which probably has a better chance of getting laid than Dawson does.