Dance

Props to Mr. Stupidhead.

I didn't realize until after the Episode 100 Wrap went live that I'd forgotten to thank liz for the tapes. Thanks a lot, liz. We owe you big-time -- not least because the tapes include all the elements essential to a Wrap, including scenes from the episode of Amnesiac Writers' Hour, known in some quarters as Dawson's Creek. Cue the montage of Jen-Joey-Dawson tension, Pacey gaping at Miss Jacobs, Joey lamenting the rift that has opened up between her and Dawson, Pacey getting decked by the bruiser, Pacey bitching out Miss Jacobs, and Pacey and Miss Jacobs swapping spit.

The current episode begins from a behind-the-camera perspective. In a scene from Dawson "Forehead Man, Forehead Man, Forehead Man Hates Triangle Man, They Have A Fight, Triangle Wins, Forehead Man" Leery's horror film, "Little Orphan" Joey Potter tries to convince Pacey "Benjamin" Witter that she knows what she saw: "It was big and it was ugly and it attacked me, and it's still out there, just waiting." Pacey delivers, with a shockingly straight face, the line "I may not believe you, Stephanie, but I believe in you." He leans in for a kiss, and just before he makes contact Joey pulls away with a groan of disgust, and as Pacey asks, "What? What?" and Dawson huffs, "Cut! Cut!" Joey apologizes and describes Pacey as "too repelling." Cut to the Sanctum Dawsonorum; Joey clicks off the TV in the middle of the scene we've just watched, and Dawson works on a fake head with makeup and tells Joey she's "going to have to" kiss Pacey, because the movie "doesn't work without the kiss -- it's a love story." Joey corrects him, "It's a horror movie, Dawson." Dawson in turn corrects Joey, "It's an homage with a heavy allegorical slant." "Homage"? "Allegorical"? Mark those Sars Maalox Scorecards at "1 minute 10 seconds," folks. Joey, to her credit, rolls her eyes and flops back on Dawson's bed and calls Pacey "un-kiss-worthy," and Dawson says manipulatively, "Do it for me?" and Joey says she doesn't "want to regurgitate on-camera -- why don't you kiss him?" Dawson, coyly: "'Cause my lips are reserved for someone else." Joey asks if he and Jen have kissed yet, to which Dawson smugly responds, "There's no need to rush fate." Joey advises Dawson not to "wait an eternity" because Jen comes from New York "where things tend to move faster." Dawson theorizes that Jen will therefore find it "enchanting to meet a strapping young man who doesn't have sex on the brain." Another eye-roll from Joey, along with the skeptical comment "if it helps you sleep at night." Dawson reminds Joey that Jen "is a self-proclaimed virgin." "For another second," Joey snipes. Dawson defends Jen as "a bright, intelligent young woman who is clearly in charge of her own body." Joey shoots back, "I'm not suggesting leather straps and Crisco, just a kiss." Dawson, who hasn't looked up from the fake head once during this convo, announces, "Jen and I will kiss, don't you worry. Question is, will your lips ever find Pacey's?" Joey votes for "an extensive rewrite." Dawson: "Well, that's too bad, 'cause you definitely have kissing lips." Joey (and Sars): "What?" Dawson turns the head around to reveal a replica of Joey, then suggests that Joey get through the kiss with Pacey by closing her eyes and thinking about someone else. Joey slumps down on a pillow and looks sidelong at Dawson. Dawson arches a brow and says, "Explain to me the Crisco." Well, Dawson, it might help ease the passage of your giant head out of your ass. Just a thought.

Credits. Paula Cole ululating. Could that bikini top on Katie Holmes get any skimpier?

Okay, if my toothpaste kept making that swishy-swishy sound all damn day and all damn night even after I stopped brushing, I would have to kill myself.

Those Capeside young'uns sure do love their Frisbee, as we see in an establishing shot of the high school. Cut to Nellie "Spiritual Relative Of Mary Kate And Ashley (tm Mr. Stupidhead)" Olson, wearing more eye makeup than an entire block of 11th Avenue prostitutes, removing her chewing gum before picking up the PA mic and shouting, "Don't forget about the big dance on Saturday to celebrate our victory at the big game on Friday!" Nellie natters on as the camera jumps to the packed hallway, and then to Dawson, who has stopped by Mr. Gold's classroom in an attempt to wear him down. Long story short, Dawson harangues Mr. Gold into letting him sit in on the film class, as long as Dawson doesn't speak during or participate in the class in any way. I wish Mr. Gold's proviso extended to Dawson's involvement in the entire show, but I guess you can't have everything.

In Miss "TaMAHra" Jacobs's classroom, Pacey sits behind the teacher's desk, waiting for her. TaMAHra walks in, and when she spots Pacey she slows down and her smile sort of fades. Pacey greets her, and she says in a brittle voice, "Good morning, Pacey," and rearranges things on her desk, and Pacey asks if they can talk, and as other students file into the room, TaMAHra points out, "Uh, you know, this isn't your class, so, um, I'll see you later." Pacey wiggles his eyebrows and murmurs, "No, we really need to talk." TaMAHra, who really needs to lose the swept-up-in-combs-on-each-side-circa-1984 hairstyle, responds crisply, "Well, we have nothing to discuss, except homework, of which there is none, so -- you can run along." Ouch. Pacey's concept of discretion could clearly use some work, because he won't let it drop: "There's a lot to discuss. We could start with the open-mouth kiss if you like." TaMAHra pretends not to know what he means and says she has to insist that Pacey leave immediately. Pacey tries to comfort her: "Listen, I'm just as confused about this as you are." Smiling to cover the fact that Pacey has her spooked, TaMAHra hisses, "Pacey, please. Nothing happened. There was no kiss. Please, don't." "Your tongue was in my mouth," Pacey whispers, and TaMAHra gets flustered and turns away from him to start the class, and they stand at the front of the room together for a moment longer before Pacey mutters, "You're not being fair," and finally leaves, and TaMAHra takes a deep breath and says, "Good morning, everyone."

Dawson slides in at a cafeteria table and yammers at Joey and Pacey and Jen "Rib Tips" Lindley about making the deadline for the film festival -- he can't count on the film class like he'd hoped, so they'll have to shoot all weekend, and he doesn't want to hear it from Joey about kissing Pacey. Joey grouses, "I'm reaching a breaking point with this whole kiss thing," and turns to glare at Pacey, who equally grumpily characterizes himself as "not engorged with this either, okay -- it goes both ways." Dawson has a revelation on how to make them both happy and asks Joey, "You know how you die at the end of the movie? How would you like to die sooner? Like tomorrow?" Joey, puzzled, asks what he means, and Dawson outlines the new plot, which consists of Joey's character getting killed off in a surprise attack, only to have her "beautiful but bright cousin from New York arrive just in time to find [Joey's character's] mutilated body." Pacey snaps his fingers and says, "You know, dude, I think you're onto something here," but a five-year-old could tell you that this idea has Bad Idea Jeans written all over it. Joey glares at Jen and then at Dawson; Jen looks uneasily at Joey and down at her tray, and she starts to object, but as usual Dawson talks right over her, explaining that it "nullifies the kiss issue" while putting Joey, as Dawson puts it, "back behind the camera with me where you belong." Nothing like a back-handed compliment to make that bitter pill go down, eh what, Dawson? Oh, and -- "nullifies"? Jen asks if he hasn't already shot a lot of footage with Joey's character, but Dawson dismisses this and continues to pat himself on the back for dreaming up such an unpredictable plot twist, likening it to "Janet Leigh in Psycho." Good thing Alfred Hitchcock isn't whirring in his grave like a propeller at that comparison. Oh, wait. He is. Then Pacey likens it to Drew Barrymore in Scream, and Joey quips sarcastically, "Oh, a rip-off of a rip-off." Pardon me a moment, but BWA HA HAAAAA! Old Joey, Old Joey, where art thou, Old Joey? Dawson chooses to ignore this, enthusing, "I really think it fits right in line with the whole tone of the piece, don't you think?" Joey, grinning evilly for reasons I don't quite understand, calls it "perfect" while staring knowingly at Jen. Jen looks at Dawson blankly, and Dawson spreads his hands and makes his "see, I'm a genius" face.

Meanwhile, in a classroom down the hall, police officers lead Mary Kay LeTourneau away in -- oh, my mistake, TaMAHra asks the class about Catherine's motivations in driving Heathcliff away. Nellie offers a vacuous comment about Catherine's "dysfunctional way" of telling Heathcliff she loved him; a few seats away, Pacey rolls his eyes. TaMAHra calls Nellie's answer "the obvious interpretation," but goes on to say that she thinks "it goes deeper than that." She says that, "for some reason," people think of Wuthering Heights as "some great love story," when in fact Catherine and Heathcliff don't belong together, because Catherine "was essentially a mess" and Heathcliff "had a lot to learn about life," and TaMAHra goes on and on in this vein to Pacey's evident displeasure as his classmates exchange weirded-out looks. TaMAHra winds up by saying, "It never should have happened. Brontë should have saved her ink," and Pacey glowers at her, and Nellie sits with her mouth open in shock. Then the bell rings.

In film class, Mr. Gold says the students will "have to move fast" if they want to enter the film festival. As Dawson fixes Mr. Gold with a burning and obsessive gaze, Cliff "The Once And Future Noel" Elliott says they've finished their script and "boarded" the movie (as if a jockstrap like Cliff would ever use the term "boarded"), and they did a lot of work over the summer; behind him, Nellie twirls her hair and simpers in Cliff's direction. Mr. Gold inquires about their "third-act problems," at which point Dawson violates the terms of his attendance by raising his hand Epstein-style, and Mr. Gold actually calls on him, and Dawson asks, "Would that be the Boston Film Festival?" Mr. Gold explains that the BFF has a junior video category, but of course Dawson already knows that, and he droops visibly at the thought of competition from Cliff. Cliff talks about the third act, something about his character breaking his arm in three places but refusing to tell the coach because he won't get to play at Homecoming if he says anything; Mr. Gold looks doubtful, and Dawson rolls his eyes and sneers in disbelief as Cliff says, in the same condescending tone Dawson usually uses, "Remember, we want the audience asking, 'Can he do it? Will the team...win the big game?'" Cliff continues, in a really intense tone, "Remember, this is autobiographical, so if anybody has any questions, I was there, I lived it. Come talk to me, all right?" Dawson keeps mugging. Um, Dawson? Two words: Varsity. Blues.

Cut to the hallway, where Dawson tears down Cliff's movie, Helmets Of Glory, and Joey sympathizes by looking contemptuous. He whines about Cliff writing, directing, and starring in the movie. He complains about Cliff entering it in the film festival, and refers to it as "my film festival." He calls it "a thin and pedestrian sports film." The ever-loyal Joey cringes. Just down the hall from them, we see Cliff introducing himself to Jen; Dawson mutters incredulously, "This isn't happening." Cliff offers to introduce Jen around, or take her out, to help her get acclimated, and Jen says she'll let him know once she gets settled. They banter a bit more, and Jen walks off while Cliff looks at her ass, and Jen turns to look over her shoulder at Cliff and blows right past Dawson and Joey, and Dawson looks depressed as Joey says, "I told you, Dawson. They move fast in New York."

Shake 'n' Bake is, as it turns out, the secret to juicy chicken. I can't speak for anyone else, but I know I'll sleep better tonight.

Dawson barrels down the stairs of the Nookie Hacienda, Joey's fake head in one hand and XXXL clothes a-flapping, to ask Mitch "The Flash" Leery if he's seen his camcorder. I don't think Mitch can see a whole lot with those novelty glasses he's got on, but anyway, he asks Dawson, "Filming today?" Dawson nods and says, "Joey gets decapitated." Mitch says the camcorder is in his and Gail's bedroom on the nighttable, and suggests that Dawson "might want to take the tape out." ["KHAN!" -- Wing Chun] Okay, let me get this straight. If Mitch keeps her so busy "performing" for the camera, why does Gail "Standard Poodle" Leery need a man on the side?

Anyhow, Dawson looks disgusted and says that "you can get arrested for that in some states." He watches Mitch work on his restaurant model for a moment before saying, "I have a question. It's kind of a girl-slash-relationship question," and he warns Mitch not to let it go to his head that he's asked for fatherly advice, adding, "Because I clearly don't condone yours and Mom's perverse sex life." As if anyone asked you, Dawson. Dawson then admits that his inexperience "is hindering my current female relations." Mitch manages not to slap Dawson upside the head, telling him instead to get to the point, and Dawson says tensely, "Mechanics of kissing." Mitch removes his glasses and asks how he can help, and they sit down, and Dawson props Joey's fake head on the table and says, "I'm interested in technique." Mitch explains, "Well, there is no 'technique,' Dawson -- you just put your lips together and go." Dawson: "But what makes a good kiss?" Mitch starts to relate a tale about the first time he kissed Gail, and Dawson breaks in with, "Now don't get too detailed," and Mitch stops short and stares at his son, probably wondering why neither he nor his wife ever got around to drowning Dawson in a boot.

Joey stomps across the lawn in shorts and a skimp-o-rama bikini top with a denim shirt over it, and she heads up the ladder. Meanwhile, Mitch tells his first-kiss-with-Gail story, in which Gail's lips got chapped in the sun and she asked Mitch to lend her some Chapstick, so he put some on his lips and kissed her, and at that moment a giant wheel of Brie falls out of the sky and crushes both of the Leery men. Well, not really, but it should have. Upstairs, Joey climbs in the window and wanders past the telescope to the head of the stairs, where she hears Mitch talking about the chemistry that already existed between him and Gail, and the kiss cementing those feelings, and the romantic setting, and Dawson says patronizingly, "See, and here I thought you were all about sex." Mitch says, "Well, we still jumped each other," and Dawson groans as Mitch continues, "But you gotta have romance." Joey watches through the banister as Dawson asks, "But the kiss itself -- what did you do?" Mitch picks up Joey's fake head and hands it to Dawson, saying, "Give it a try." Dawson snorts and refuses, but Mitch insists, "You asked for [my advice]," and Joey smirks as Dawson takes Joey's fake head in his hands, and Mitch advises Dawson to moisten his lips, and now I guess I know whom to blame for all the slobbery kisses I've had to endure in my lifetime -- people's dads gave them well-meaning but sucky kissing clinics. Anyhow. Dawson giggles all embarrassedly and says he feels ridiculous, and Mitch tweaks his lower lip and tells Dawson to relax and "let it have a mind of its own -- you want it to dance with hers," and I suspect he doesn't mean Dawson's lip, but whatever, Mitch says, "Go on," and Dawson picks up Joey's fake head as Joey's real head watches intently from the banister, and Mitch says, "Close your eyes," and Dawson and Joey both close their eyes, and Dawson kisses Joey's fake head while Joey presumably fantasizes about kissing Dawson, and Dawson and Joey both open their eyes again, and Mitch tells Dawson, "That was good," and Dawson asks, "Yeah?" and Mitch says, "Yeah," and Dawson grins all skeevily and says, "Cool," and that scene tried for "endearing" but took a wrong turn at "creepy," and of all the things my stomach lining can take, Real-Doll overtones on Dawson's Creek don't make the list. Anyhow, Dawson picks up Joey's fake head, tells his father to "forget this ever happened," and leaves.

Upstairs, Joey hears Dawson go, and she stands up to leave herself, but she hears a scrabbling noise and the sound of Gail saying, "Yes, I'll see you tonight. No, no, no, no, I can't, he's downstairs." Joey follows a telephone cord to where it disappears underneath a door, and leans towards the door to eavesdrop as Gail murmurs, "Okay, but then I'm hanging up," and makes smoochy-smoochy noises into the receiver, and says, "Okay, I promise, I promise. Later. Okay, bye." Saddened by overhearing this, Joey jumps back from the door as Gail walks out of the closet with phone in hand, and she scares the living daylights out of Gail, who gasps and asks Joey, "What are you doing?" Joey stammers, "Uh, I was just looking for Dawson, we're filming today." Gail pulls the closet door closed behind her and says, trying to act nonchalant, "Oh, that's nice," and she replaces the phone on the hall table as Joey tells her, "I'm gonna get killed today," and Gail gives her a huge fake toothy grin and says again, "Oh, that's nice," and she tells Joey to wear sunscreen. Joey says goodbye all awkwardly and starts to go downstairs, but then she thinks better of it and says, "Mrs. Leery?" Gail turns to her and says brightly, "Hmm?" Joey says grimly, "I know." A cloud passes over Gail's face. Neither of them says anything for a moment. Then Joey turns and goes downstairs.

On the outdoor set of Nightmare On Cape Cod, or whatever stupid-ass name Dawson has given his forehead, I mean horror movie, Joey walks on a dock calling for "Steven," and she finds a piece of bloody clothing, and The Pacey From The Black Lagoon attacks her, and she clobbers him with an oar and takes off running, but she falls down, and she runs behind what looks like a propped-up rowboat, and then a dummy with her fake head on it pops up and gets chopped off and stage blood spurts out of the neck, and Joey's fake head rolls to the feet of Jen and Dawson, who has on earphones (whatever), and Dawson yells, "Cut! Beautiful!" and if Dawson can arrange for all these special effects, why does he need to take Mr. Gold's film class so badly? Jen compliments them on the scene while holding Joey's fake head by the hair, and Joey pops up from behind the dummy with gore all over her, and Pacey gives her guff about how well she dies, and how he loves the image of her biting it, and Dawson announces that they need to move on.

Joey glares at Pacey and goes to clean up; Jen gives her a thoughtful look, then follows her to a screen porch and offers to help get the fake blood off. Joey doesn't want her help, but Jen insists, and she starts to swab the goo off of Joey's chest (no comment), but Joey says she can do it herself. Jen gives her a towel to cover up with, and as she wraps Joey in it, she comments off-handedly, "You have nice breasts." Joey freezes. Jen tells her not to get the wrong idea, she's "completely hetero" and "just commenting, girl to girl" that Joey has "a really nice body." Joey's face and body language clearly communicate her desire to escape from this interaction, but she just mumbles shyly, "I'm too tall." Jen says she envies Joey's stature and her "long legs," and she calls herself "too short," and says her "hips do this weird thing," which, I have to say, they do, and she finishes with, "And my face is shaped like a duck," and I can't disagree with her on that either. Joey just stares at her and asks her, "Are you serious?" when Jen confesses that she hates her breasts, and Jen says she thinks "it's completely normal to hate the way you look," and because I don't want to embark on a master's-thesis-length rant on female body image, I'll just let that comment slide. Joey grudgingly tells Jen that she doesn't look like a duck, and Jen teases her, "You know, that's the nicest thing you've said to me since we met." Joey looks embarrassed and ducks (no pun intended) away from Jen to get her clothes, and as Jen leaves the porch, she tells Joey that she plans to make it really hard for Joey not to like her.

Cut to the scene of the movie, in which Pacey and Jen now have to kiss each other. He says his line, he starts to kiss her, and then he overpowers her completely while Dawson protests from behind the camera. Pacey ignores Dawson's cries of "cut" and "Pacey, what the hell are you doing?" Joey giggles and tells a flustered and jealous Dawson to lighten up, and it doesn't seem to bother Jen, but when Pacey suggests a retake, Dawson gets in a snit and announces that he's cutting the kiss, and Joey says he can't do that, but Dawson makes the excuse that "it doesn't make sense" for the story. Pacey says fine, but if they aren't doing the kiss, can he go, because he has plans, and Jen says she should get going too, and Dawson says yes, "that's a wrap," and asks Jen to wait up. Joey asks Pacey what he's up to tonight, and he tells her that the woman of his dreams will be at the school dance tonight, "and I plan on attending," and Joey says derisively, "Lucky her."

Dawson chases after Jen like a puppy and tells her that he's rented Saturday Night Fever, Staying Alive, and Grease, and invites her to join him for a "John Travolta night of interpretive expression," because "that way, we can dance and our feet never have to move." In this scene, Dawson's hair has frizzed up into a square, proscenium-arch poof that makes him look like David Hasselhoff, and no, in point of fact, I do not intend that as a compliment. Anyhow. Jen has plans to go to the dance so she declines, apologizing, and Dawson pretends he doesn't care, and he hints around transparently to see if Jen has a date, which she does, with Cliff Elliott. She tells Dawson not to "look so down," because she doesn't think of it as a date; Cliff just asked her if she wanted to go, and she said yes. Dawson passive-aggressively says, "Okay, well, call me confused, but that's the definition of a date, Jen, isn't it?" Jen grabs Dawson by the collar and snarls, "Look, Forehead Man, if you wanted to go with me, you should have asked me -- and by the way, I don't owe you anything, so lose the 'tude!" Oh, no, my mistake -- she doesn't do that at all, although she bloody well should. She does squirm a bit and say that she wanted to go, and to meet new people, and she sort of implies that Dawson shouldn't begrudge her that, which he obviously shouldn't, but which, of course, he obviously does. Jen then very nicely invites him to drop by the dance, but Dawson says he has "a date with Travolta," and Jen sort of shrugs and says she'll see him later, and Dawson smiles and says, "See ya," and she goes in through her gate, and Dawson slumps.

Sanctum Dawsonorum. Dawson raving about Cliff and wondering what Jen sees in him. Joey referring to Cliff's "chest measurements," whatever that means. Dawson pacing, calling Cliff a bonehead, insulting Cliff's movie; Joey suspecting that his movie has nothing to do with why Jen went on a date with him. Dawson, of all people, accusing Jen of thoughtlessness for breezily mentioning her date with Cliff. Joey pretending to agree but secretly exulting. Dawson obsessing over the exact details of the slow dance he imagines Jen and Cliff sharing at that moment. Joey arching a worried eyebrow. Dawson's hair imitating a Sabrett-hot-dog-cart umbrella. Dawson wondering what Cliff did that he didn't do. Joey pointing out that Cliff asked Jen out. Dawson deciding to go to the dance. Joey discouraging him, since Jen is "in the arms of another man," after all, and "why torture yourself?" Dawson maintaining, "I'm an artist. Torture is a prerequisite." Sars plunging a freshly-sharpened pencil into her eye. Dawson asking Joey if she's coming with him or not; Joey still attempting to talk him out of it. Dawson saying he should kiss Jen, "not some J.Crew ad." Um -- oh, forget it. Joey describing Dawson's histrionics as "so pathetic," but agreeing to accompany him, if only to watch him embarrass himself. Dawson saying he has to check his hair. No, he actually said that, I swear to God.

While Dawson wrestles with his Muppet mane, Joey goes downstairs. She sort of spies on Mitch and Gail canoodling by the butcher block; Gail says she "might be late." They kiss nauseatingly. Joey goes to sit on the stairs, and as Gail bustles past in a suit with a skirt shorter than Ally McBeal's, she says, "Goodnight, Mrs. Leery," and scares the bejesus out of Gail for the second time. Gail, whose hair actually looks pretty sleek in this scene, says, "Joey, you scared me," then checks her watch and says, "Look, we need to talk." Joey asks Gail if she remembers Joey's mom, and Gail interrupts, "I just want to clear up this morning," but Joey cuts her off in a steely tone: "My mom was the best. She was an incredible woman. My dad, however, didn't always see that. He cheated on her for as long as I can remember and it tore her apart, crippling their relationship and nearly destroying the entire family." Gail asks why Joey is telling her this, and Joey says, "Because your actions affect others. They bleed into the lives of those around you, and --" Gail interrupts to say Joey doesn't understand, but Joey won't hear it: "No, you don't understand. My mom got cancer and died, so you do the math. You know your, your reasons for you doing what you're doing, they can't possibly outweigh the everlasting damage that you're creating." Gail starts to tell Joey to mind her own business, but something in Joey's face stops her, and instead she says brightly, "Does Dawson know?" From upstairs Dawson says, "Know what?" The women exchange a look as Dawson appears to Joey, and Joey says quickly to Dawson, "How to dance. I told her we were going." Dawson says he knows how to dance and Joey murmurs in an attempt at her customary sarcasm, "Yeah, right." Dawson kisses his mom goodbye and Joey follows him out the door, saying, "Have fun tonight, Mrs. Leery," with a reproachful look over her shoulder.

Fade up on the Capeside High gymnasium, typically over-decorated for the dance with an Under The Sea-ish theme, with a suspiciously ethnically-correct crowd boogying down. Cliff, attired in a hopelessly Gap blue button-down shirt (which, strangely, matches the balloons) and jeans, and Jen, wearing a too-short dress fashioned from netting (don't ask), make chit-chat. Jen has curled her hair, and it looks quite pretty, actually, but she still walks like a Peterbilt. Cliff "victory dance" blah blah blah Jen "did you make the winning play" blah blah blah Cliff "you're here, aren't you?" blah blah blah Jen "ha ha," Sars "like, 'ha ha,' not" blah blah blah fishcakes. Jen asks Cliff, "Is there anything that you're not good at?" I'd venture to say "pick-up lines," but what do I know. Cliff says he sucks at dancing and describes himself as "rhythmically challenged." Jen challenges him to prove it, and much though I would love to give you an account of their moves on the dance floor, I regret to say that I cannot type and throw up at the same time.

Enter Pacey, clad in one of his endless supply of Kramer shirts. He cases the joint for TaMAHra, and sees her making small-talk with a dorky science-teacher type by the punch bowl. Memo to wardrobe: if you want TaMAHra to look sexy, try not dressing her in outfits straight from the pages of Chadwick's of Boston, because she might teach English, but that doesn't mean she has to frump around in knee-length peach linen pleated skirts and floral rayon shells that make her arms look fat. Anyhow. Pacey walks up behind her, and without turning around she asks him how he's doing, and he responds, "Confused, perplexed, bewildered, mystified -- a thesaurus of emotion." Cheesy, but I sort of like the phrase "thesaurus of emotion." TaMAHra looks exasperated and says, "You know, I'm a chaperone, and I -- should make the rounds." She begins to walk away. Pacey asks her to dance, and she whirls around and with a half-angry, half-flirtatious expression, she tells Pacey, "That's not a good idea," and Pacey says he knows that, but if "things were different," would she dance with him? She smiles, which seems to mean yes, and says she has to go.

Oy vey. Clomping in from stage left, Dawson, wearing an XXXL button-down shirt over a sweater vest (insert speeyacking sounds here) and khakis and accessorized by that so-'94 tear-drop necklace, and looking determined; and Joey, clad much more casually in jeans and a little Indian-type top and looking amused. They stop and look at Jen and Cliff as they engage in some sort of electric-slide-meets-rumba flailing, and Joey asks Dawson his "plan," and Dawson admits that he hadn't gotten that far. Dawson's nostrils tent out like little mushrooms opening after a rain. Joey tells Dawson that he'd better do something, and fast, because "in some moral sectors, what [Jen and Cliff] are doing is known as foreplay." "Sectors"? As Jen flips her ringletted hair around, Dawson asks Joey, "Do you dance?" Joey pleads Brandon Walshitis and says, "No." Dawson grabs her hand and leads her to the dance floor anyway, telling her to move around and "shake [her] ass back and forth."

At that moment, the music changes to a slow dance, and they stand there very awkwardly before Dawson takes Joey in his arms, and Joey sort of rests her chin on Dawson's shoulder and looks by turns agonized and dreamy while Dawson scans the crowd for Jen over Joey's head, and he can't find her, and he continues to twirl Joey around and do complicated arm moves and turns while barely paying attention, and his peculiar skill at dancing prompts Joey to stare at him, but he doesn't notice. She winds up back in his arms, and they exchange a look, and he compliments her on her dancing, and their faces get a little closer together, and Joey looks very hopeful indeed, but Jen breaks the spell by saying, "Hey, you guys." As it turns out, she and Cliff have danced right up to them. Dawson and Cliff talk a little about film class, and Jen interjects that Dawson "is a very talented filmmaker." Cliff asks if Dawson is "into movies," and Dawson makes a "whatever" face and says, "Yeah," and Cliff says, "Cool," and Dawson says with abrupt cheer, "I'll see ya," and tangos Joey in a different direction, and Joey chaffs him, "That went brilliantly." Where have you gone, Old Joey? A nation turns its lonely eyes to you! Woo hoo hoo!

Speaking of Mrs. Robinson, cut to Pacey and TaMAHra, both prowling the edge of the dance floor during the slow song. Meanwhile, Jen slips past, probably on her way to the ladies', and Dawson spots her and takes off in pursuit. He finds her in the hall and once again affects a casual mien. Jen says she's "been looking all over for" Dawson. Yeah, like that giant cranium really blends into a crowd, Jen. Get glasses. Anyhow, Jen asks Dawson to dance, and Dawson asks, "What about Cliff?" and Jen tells him not to worry about it, and Dawson says all innocently that Cliff might get upset, "you being his date and all," and Jen gets fed up with the passive-aggressive routine and says, "Forget I asked," before marching into the ladies' room. Dawson follows her right into the women's toilet, only to get ejected by the squealing occupants. Dawson looks completely crestfallen, and believe it or not, I actually feel for the guy -- true, he acts like a shitbrick most of the time, but the whole act-all-cool-and-breezy-even-though-your-feelings-are-getting-stomped-on thing really rings true, because we all went through this painful period of cluelessness in high school, and it almost makes Dawson sympathetic. Almost, but not quite.

Later, Joey and Dawson sit at a table. Dawson morosely watches other couples, including Jen flirting with Cliff, and Joey says, "This is embarrassing, let's blow," but Dawson wants to stew in his own juices for a while longer. Joey observes, "While you stand here on the dock pontificating, the U.S.S. Jenny is sailing farther and farther out to sea -- haven't you had enough?" Dawson: "No. I'm still breathing." Joey points out that Dawson barely knows Jen, and Dawson says, "That's the magic of it, Joey. I mean, true, Jen stepped into my life not more than two seconds ago, and already I feel that connection," and as Joey rolls her eyes and looks sad, Dawson blathers on about the bond that means he and Jen "are meant to be together." That sounds familiar, probably because it got recycled as the second-season soulmate twaddle, and Dawson continues in this vein until Joey informs him, "You're scaring me, Dawson," and comments on his "Frankenstein/Hyde [sic]" flip-flop between regular Dawson and his "psycho alter ego."

Joey adds that he's turned into the sea creature from his own movie. Dawson doesn't seem to hear this and describes Jen as both a mystery to him and someone he feels like he's known his whole life, and then he says, "It's like the way I feel about you. I mean, she challenges me the way you do. She could be you. Except -- she's Jen," and if you listen carefully, you can hear a sickening "splat" as Dawson puts his foot dead in it. Joey gives him a textbook-definition "dull resentment" stare and proceeds to tee him high and let him fly: "Well, let me just remind you how your little allegorical horror movie-slash- story ends. The creature doesn't get the girl. He dies a violent, bloody, horrible death. Rest in peace, Dawson." She gets up. Dawson asks, "Where're you going?" Joey: "I'm already dead, remember?" Go, Joey.

Barely registering her departure, Dawson obsesses in Jen's general direction as Cliff leads her out onto the floor, and then he gets up and mutters, "It's time for a rewrite." Oh, brother. Dawson walks over to Cliff and Jen and cuts in. Jen asks him what he's doing, but she seems vaguely amused; Dawson then says he doesn't want to cut in, but rather he wants to "take over," and he thanks Cliff for "showing Jen such a great time," but he's got it from here. An incredulous Cliff wants to know what Dawson is talking about, and Dawson says very condescendingly to Cliff that he knows "it's confusing right now," but he's talking about himself and Jen, and that he and Jen have something going on, and Cliff and Jen greet this revelation by gaping like fish out of water as Dawson continues to rave on about his non-relationship with Jen, which Dawson winds up by asking Cliff "to manly [sic] step aside so that I might have a moment with the object of my desire." See, just when Dawson comes off a little bit sympathetically, the writers give him dialogue like this, and then I hate him again. Cliff asks a mortified Jen, "Who is this guy?" and Jen demands, "Dawson, what are you doing?" and Cliff tells Dawson, "You're gonna have to leave. Now. Okay? This is, this is too weird." Word. Dawson in turn tells Cliff that he needs to go. Cliff wants to know if Jen wants to "be with this guy," and then Cliff and Dawson go toe-to-toe, and right before punches get thrown, Jen announces that she'll make it easy for both of them by leaving herself. Dawson stares after her as Sars fervently wishes that Mitch remembers the "know when to shut up" element of the father-son speech time.

I love that ad with the dog making the sandwich and then chucking it into the cat's dinner bowl when he finds the empty Miracle Whip jar. I've not consumed so much as a molecule of Miracle Whip in my life, but I'd consider it, just on the strength of that commercial.

Out on the street, Pacey, Dawson, and Joey walk home. Dawson characterizes the night as "the most horrific" of his life, and he punctuates this by running his hands through his hair. He asks Joey how she could "let" him "do that," and Joey grumbles that she knew it would wind up her fault, and then Dawson tries to blame the evening's failures on Pacey, "my non-existent friend," and Pacey hollers, "I don't see you taking any interest in my life, you self-righteous navel-gazing fuckwit, so why not try taking responsibility for your own off-putting personality, Breakfast Food Boy!" Oops, excuse me -- I yelled that, not Pacey; Pacey absently mutters, "I'm sorry, man -- I was otherwise engaged." Joey points out that she did, after all, come back and didn't desert him, but Dawson totally ignores this and asks Pacey about "this mystery woman you keep alluding to," and Pacey sighs and says, "Unfortunately, the mystery woman remains a mystery, even to me." Dawson theorizes that, "at this moment, Jen's lips are probably pressing against Cliff's," and Joey joins the rest of North America in beseeching Dawson, "Don't go there," and Pacey says, "This is my stop, kids. Mañana," and shakes Dawson's hand.

Cut (or rather "jolt," since the editor slams these two scenes together with no transition at all) to the Leery kitchen. Gail comes in with a doggie bag and asks Mitch if Dawson has come home yet; Mitch, working on his model, says he thinks Dawson "is busy kissing the girl door for the first time tonight." Gail gives Mitch a shoulder massage and says, "Sounds romantic." Mitch asks Gail if she remembers their first kiss, and she says of course she does, and she reminisces about it, and long story short, she doesn't remember the same first kiss that Mitch recounted to Dawson earlier, and Mitch can't believe she doesn't remember it, and Gail says she doesn't think he remembers it, and she apologizes sultrily as Mitch keeps bitching about giving Dawson the wrong advice, and behind him, Gail whips out a tube of product-placed Chapstick, proving that she really does remember, back and forth, on and on. Gail sits on Mitch's lap and kisses him, and they stand up, still kissing, and they trade more cheesy lines about chapped lips, and they dance, and Mitch looks suffused with lust, and Gail looks regretful and nervous.

Pacey, walking on the dock, stops and says to himself, "This cannot be happening." Sure enough, TaMAHra and her Shoulderpads 'R' Us outfit await him on the dock. He folds his arms and greets her and says he "feels this strange familiarity creeping over" him, and she nervously says, "I thought it might be appropriate," which doesn't make any sense, but anyway, Pacey asks over the sound of a foghorn in the background, "Give us a chance to do it all over?" and TaMAHra says she would change the ending. Then she apologizes to Pacey for the way she's acted, calling the kiss "the most absurd thing" she's ever done, "not to mention punishable in a court of law." Pacey doesn't see the big deal: "It was just a kiss!" TaMAHra, suddenly on the verge of tears: "No, it was more than that."

TaMAHra goes on to call the kiss "very wrong," and she says she could try to explain it, because Pacey does deserve an explanation, but instead of dumping ten years' worth of therapy on him, she hopes she can just apologize and hope she hasn't "left any permanent scars." Pacey looks irritated and asks her where she gets off taking all the responsibility for what happened; he may be only 15, he says, but he's "well beyond the age of accountability," though perhaps not according to the judicial system, and, he adds, "My lips kissed back, right? I kissed you back." "Fair enough," TaMAHra smiles, and Pacey says he doesn't regret it at all and she shouldn't either. TaMAHra stresses that it can't happen again: "From now on, our relationship is strictly teacher-student -- I, I want that clear." Pacey: "And if I were to object?" TaMAHra: "It's not up for discussion, you know it has to be this way, Pacey, for all the obvious and not so obvious reasons." Pacey sighs, "This is so unfair," and says in a quavering voice that he isn't good with girls, and he finally meets someone and can't have her, and TaMAHra reaches out to comfort him but stops herself, and she tells him, "Don't worry, Pacey, that'll change. Trust me." They exchange a burning look. TaMAHra wishes him goodnight, but she has to walk past him to leave the dock, and he sort of grabs her arm and pulls her to him, and they kiss again to the accompaniment of the Minor-Key Piano Music Of Doomed Love, and I believe that Pacey Becomes A Man right about now.

Back over at the Bureau of Crossed Signals, Dawson asks Joey what they've learned "from tonight's evening." Oh, a pop-cultural reference -- how very ironic and amusing! Well, except for the "ironic" part. And the "amusing" part. Joey says they've learned that they should stay home on Saturday nights and watch movies from now on, "because the rewind on the remote of the movie of life does not work," and she giggles. Dawson observes bitterly that that plan shouldn't pose a problem since he's "officially ruined it with Jen -- it's officially over." Joey, trying to shine the light of reason on the situation: "It never began, Dawson." Dawson laments that he does feel like the creature in his movie; his life has no balance, only extremes, and "nothing is just okay," but Joey cuts him off with, "I'm too tired to philosophize, Dawson." Dawson asks her to chain him to his bed the time he gets like this, and she saucily asks if she can use the leather straps, and he says, "Not until you explain the Crisco," and Joey laughs at his utter obtuseness, and then they look up and see Jen up ahead of them, making a purchase from a salt-water-taffy cart (yes, a salt-water-taffy cart, and no, I have no idea either). Dawson asks what he should do. Joey shrugs: "Your call." Dawson decides to put his other foot dead in it, and Joey registers doubt, but Dawson sort of says "what the hell" and asks if he can "bag on" Joey, and she says, "Yeah, you can bag," and he asks her to wish him luck, and she says, "Good luck, Dawson. I hope you get your kiss."

Joey walks in another direction as Dawson shyly approaches Jen. Jen looks out over the moonlit water. Silence for a moment; then Jen says over her shoulder, "I'm beginning to feel like your TV set." Huh? Dawson, apologetically: "I didn't know what to say." Jen, snidely: "A first." She turns around, inhales, and tells him, "I am really angry, Dawson." That strikes me as a strange reaction -- "weirded out" I could see, but "really angry" doesn't seem warranted. Dawson just murmurs, "I know." Jen asks what he wants from her, and Dawson says, with an air of offended entitlement, "I want to know what's going on between us." Jen, pre-crying, asks if he wants that question answered tonight, and Dawson apologizes for his earlier behavior, saying, "I got scared -- scared I was becoming the friend," and Jen says very sarcastically, "Oh god, the friend, how awful," and Dawson lectures her, "It is awful. I feel like I'm becoming that friend who you come over and tell all your boy adventures to." Um, Dawson? Like, SHUT UP! No such luck; Dawson announces, "I want to be your boy adventure." They both look over at a couple toasting each other on a schooner. Jen asks impatiently, "Can't you be both?" Dawson says no, he can't, "not at fifteen," because "it's too complicated." "Okay," Jen says, "So I'm interested." "In what?" Dawson asks. "In an adventure," Jen smolders. to me on the couch, Mr. Stupidhead politely inquires whether I have a fork he can borrow. Jen asks, "What do I have to do?" Dawson suggests, "You could kiss me." Jen responds, "I'd rather eat glass." Oh, wait, that was my response -- sorry. Jen actually snorts, smirks, smiles, then turns her back on Dawson and leans on the railing, and as Dawson closes his eyes at the sting of rejection, Jen describes herself as "a cliché," saying, "In New York, I was moving fast, I was moving really really fast, so fast I kept stumbling and falling," and she says that since coming to Capeside, for the first time in a long time, she is "walking at a steady pace," and she's afraid that if she kisses Dawson, her knees will buckle blah blah blah stumble again blah blah blah "don't know if can handle it now" blah blah blah fishcakes. Dawson clearly doesn't view this as an acceptable excuse, and he looks over at the couple on the schooner again, who have now gotten up to dance together, and Jen looks too, and then she invites Dawson to dance. "Here? Right now?" asks Rico Leery. Jen says she's wanted to dance with him all night. They dance, and Jen explains that "the kiss is just the end result, it's not what's important. It's all about desire and wanting." "And romance," Dawson adds, as Jen strokes his cheek with one cloven hoof and assents, "And romance." Jen rests her head on Dawson's shoulder. Joey appears from behind a tree and watches them with a look of heartbroken longing on her face, and the camera zooms in on her hunching her shoulders miserably, and Dawson and Jen dance some more, and Julia Roberts strolls over from the set of Pretty Woman and asks Jen if she can have her outfit back.