I would like to preface this Wrap of the series premiere by saying two things. First, I could pretend like I don’t already know what happens in the second season, but that strikes me as sort of ridiculous, so I won’t. Second, don’t kid yourself -- the writing and hairstyles haven’t gotten any worse since the first season. If anything, they’ve improved.
Fade up, as usual, on the Sanctum Dawsonorum, where Joey "The Once And Future Backbone" Potter and Dawson "Lucky Charmless" Leery lie on Dawson’s bed and raptly watch the end of "E.T." E.T. intones, "I’ll be riiiight heeeere," and as Elliott watches E.T.’s ship take off, Joey asks, "This won the Oscar, didn’t it?" Dawson hits stop and replies grimly, "Gandhi. Spielberg was robbed. This was before he outgrew his Peter Pan syndrome." "Peter Pan syndrome"? For those of you playing at home, you can mark your Sars Maalox Scorecard at "45 seconds." Joey wonders why the Academy would "give an Oscar to a movie you can’t even sit through," and Dawson says, "Thank you," and clicks over to the news, where Gail "Charo" Leery is just winding up a story on flight cancellations. "New ‘do?" Joey asks about Gail’s hairstyle, which must have walked off the set of Hairspray because it has so much styling product in it that it stands away from her head like a wimple. "She likes big hair," Dawson chuckles indulgently. Joey, while putting on her shoes, comments that Gail’s hair must weigh a lot, and wonders how Gail walks upright. Word. Dawson wants to know, "Where’re you going?" Joey: "Home." Dawson: "Spend the night." Joey: "Can’t." Dawson: "Come on, you always spend the night." Joey: "Not tonight." Dawson expresses confusion, and Joey says she doesn’t think it’s a good idea if she sleeps over anymore, and Dawson still doesn’t get it, pointing out that she has slept over every Saturday night since she was seven years old. Joey responds that doing so has stunted her growth and dashed her chances for a normal social life -- oh, wait, she doesn’t say that, but she does say, "Things change, Dawson, evolve," and Dawson wants to know what that means, and Joey says that sleeping in the same bed was okay when they were little, but they’re now fifteen and they start high school on Monday, and Dawson still doesn’t see her point, so Joey sputters, "And I have breasts!" Dawson starts giggling, "What?" Joey: "And you have genitalia!" Dawson: "I’ve always had genitalia." Joey ignores my anguished howl of "in the name of all that is holy, don’t go there" by clarifying, "But there’s more of it!" Dawson teases her, "How do you know?" Joey says, "Long fingers," and heads for the window, but Dawson calls after her, "Whoa, Joey, don’t hit and run, come on -- explain yourself." Joey stops and tells Dawson that their "emerging hormones" will change their relationship and she wants to "limit the fallout." Dawson stands up and smirks, "Your emerging hormones aren’t developing a thang for me, are they?" Oh, for god’s sake. Joey sneers, "A ‘thang’? No, I am not developing a ‘thang’ for you, Dawson, I’ve known you too long," and then proceeds to list the reasons why, and methinks the lady doth protest too much, but whatever.
Dawson wants to know why, if she isn’t crushing on him, there’s a problem, and Joey basically says that the two of them are changing, and if they don’t recognize that, "the male-female thing" will get in the way. Dawson says that that "doesn’t apply to us -- we transcend it." "Transcend"? Joey asks how. Dawson: "By going to sleep. I’m tired." Joey, turning to leave again: "That’s avoidance." Dawson, reclining on the bed: "No, it’s proof -- proof that we can still remain friends despite -- any mounting sexual theoretics." "Theoretics"? Joey doesn’t "think it works that way." Dawson says, "Come on, don’t get female on me, Joey -- I don’t want to have to start calling you ‘Josephine,’" and Joey takes the bait and pounces on him, and they tickle each other all stagily, and Dawson pins her and she gives up, and Dawson says, "We’re friends, okay? No matter how much body hair we acquire? Deal?" and Joey nods and says, "Deal," and Dawson makes her promise that they don’t have to talk about this again, and Joey says, "You got it. Cool," and shrugs out of her jean jacket, but her face doesn’t look like she’s "cool" with it. They both crawl under the covers fully clothed and bid each other good night, and Joey scoots all the way over to the edge of the mattress and looks perturbed, and as the camera pans up to show Dawson hogging three quarters of the bed, Dawson asks, "Why’d you have to bring this up, anyway?" I wonder what took her so long, myself, but anyway, fade out.
Credits. Still accompanied by Paula Cole strangling a cat in her throat, the first-season credits feature mugging by the cast as they sun themselves, attempt to chuck one another into the water, wander around on the beach, and generally give the khakis advertisers the most for their product-placement dollar.
Capeside outdoor scenes. Sailboats cruise past a dock where Joey tans herself to the accompaniment of Jaws-esque music. The camera zooms in, and a few seconds later someone in a reptile outfit surfaces and pulls Joey into the water, deck chair and all. Dawson yells, "Cut, cut, cut!" and blathers stage directions as Pacey "Coo Coo Ka Choo" Witter flounders to the edge of the dock, only to get dunked again by an irate Joey. As they straggle out of the water, Pacey wonders, "What was that all about?" and Dawson tells him he needs to establish the shot "or it’s not scary," and Sars thinks Dawson should step in front of the lens since it doesn’t get much scarier than that forehead, and Joey snarls at Pacey, "You did it again, you grabbed my ass," and Pacey waves a dismissive hand and says, "Like you even have one." (Snerk.) Dawson reacts to this by -- what a surprise! -- running his hands through his hair in dismay, complaining that he’s way behind schedule and won’t "make the festival." Hey, Dawson? Rocky from Mask called, and he wants his forehead back. Oh, and could you shut up? Great, thanks. Anyway, Pacey blames Joey, saying that "it’s Meryl Streep’s fault, okay? I’m doing the best I can." Joey snaps, "Bite me." At that moment, Dawson gets distracted by a yellow cab pulling up to the house door.
Enter Jen "Trichinosis" Lindley, in lust-addled slo-mo, as an alter-not-ive band croons "hey pretty girl" on the soundtrack and Pacey mangles the English language by saying, "Well, my mouth drops," and heads over to mack on her. Dawson follows him. Joey sulks. Jen walks over to meet them, still in slo-mo, except that instead of creating the desired effect -- i.e. Jen as breathtaking beauty -- the footage reveals that Jen walks like a tank, not to mention that the wind happens to have blown her dress against her body in a really unflattering way. Memo to the producers: time, spend the extra money to reshoot that sequence, because a sopping-wet Joey looks ten times better than Jen does in this scene. Anyway, they introduce themselves around, and Dawson and Jen remember meeting before, and Joey sulks some more, and Jen explains that her parents sent her to help out because her grandfather’s aorta collapsed, and they all realize they’ll start tenth grade together in a few days, and the guys look happy about this, but Joey decidedly does not, and Jen takes off and says she’ll see them in school, and Dawson pipes up, "If not sooner," and Joey mimics him, "’If not sooner,’" and walks away. Pacey murmurs, "Nice," as the two of them watch Jen and her frumpy baby-doll dress walk over to Grams’s house.
Cut to Dawson and Pacey -- who has his socks pulled way the hell up for some reason -- rushing up the lawn of the Nookie Hacienda. Pacey makes an incomprehensible comment about Dawson "nailing" Jen, and Dawson sort of says "whatever," and Pacey tells Dawson that "greater men would be nailing right now," and frankly I do not miss this element of The Old Pacey at all. As they walk in, we hear moans, and Dawson and Pacey interrupt Gail and Mitch "The Cuckold" Leery getting jiggy on the coffee table. A mortified Dawson gasps, "Oh god, Mom," and drops all his stuff, and Mitch dumps Gail unceremoniously onto the floor and says, "Oh, hi, son," as Pacey titters. The Leerys deal with their clothing while saying that they were just discussing whether or not they needed a new coffee table, and Dawson blushes as Pacey says "hi" to his parents, and Gail tells Dawson not to "look so red, it could be worse," and Pacey admires Gail’s new clown poof, and Gail thanks him as Mitch, exasperated, grumbles at Dawson, "I thought you had to work today." Dawson "running late" blah blah blah Gail "should get going" blah blah "Mr. Man Meat" blah blah blah Dawson gets embarrassed at his parents’ sex life blah blah blah fishcakes. "Mr. Man Meat"? Not enough man, or enough meat, evidently, but we’ll get to that later.
Joey ties up her rowboat and walks up her own dock to the Interracial House Of Pancakes. "Where In The World Is" Bodie "Sandiego" appears with saucepan in hand and asks Joey to try something he’s cooked, saying that "I’m being tested on this one" when she protests. She takes a nibble, deems it "orgasmic," and asks, "Where’s Bess?" Bessie "Don’t Make Me Come Over There" Potter waddles her extremely pregnant self over to Joey and tells her with a bitchy smile to put Bessie’s clothes "back where you found them, got it?" and adds, "I’m way too pregnant to be digging underneath your bed." Joey: "Then stay out of my room, ‘got it’?" Bessie threatens to "knock her silly" as Joey stomps into the house. Bodie offers Bessie some of the mystery dish, and she too finds it "orgasmic," and Bodie kisses her on the cheek and goes up the steps as she stands in the yard wiping her mouth, and the editor could have cut that transition a little better.
Anyway. Over at Screen Play Video, Dawson thanks a customer for returning videos as Pacey wonders aloud, "So, if your dad is Mr. Man Meat, does that make you Mr. Man Meat Junior or Mr. Man Meat The Second?" Well, it makes Sars really tired of typing the words "Mr. Man Meat," for one thing. Dawson threatens to kill Pacey. Then a girl with curly blonde hair asks if Forrest Gump goes in the comedy section or the drama section, and Pacey snaps, "How many times are you gonna ask that?" Dawson tells her it goes in the drama section, and she thanks him while glaring at Pacey, who then mutters under his breath, "Can you say ‘wetbrain’?" The blonde overhears him and calls him on it, asking him to refresh her memory as to who he is, and Pacey says that yes, he knows, her father owns the place, and the blonde says, "No, I’m talking about in the huge, rotating world of life." Pacey takes the bait: "And who am I, Nellie?" Nellie inculcates us into the finer points of Pacey’s status as Capeside’s leading loser: "Nobody. That’s the point. You’re not there; you don’t even exist, because if you did, I might have to respond to your pathetic little under-the-breath one-liners. But instead, I take comfort knowing you’re vapor -- fffff, fffff, non-existent, nothing." During this diatribe, Pacey nods and looks by turns saddened and resigned; as we all know by now, he’s heard this song before. Nellie winds it up just as an older woman in a negligee wanders in the front door. A saxophone wails longingly on the soundtrack as Tamara "TaMAHra" Jacobs vamps her way up to the counter and Pacey says things like "my god" and "look at her" while the camera pans up TaMAHra’s not-all-that legs. Dawson chides Pacey, "Show some respect, man, she’s somebody’s mother." Pacey indirectly gives Dawson guff by saying he has it "on pretty good authority that mothers have excellent sex lives." Ouch. When TaMAHra finally shimmies her way up to the counter, Pacey gets her signed up with a membership, and Dawson makes himself scarce, the better to let Pacey shoot his foot clean off with lines like, "You new in town? ‘Cause I haven’t seen you in here before." TaMAHra smiles, "Yes, I am," and they introduce themselves, and Pacey offers to help her "locate a video this afternoon." TaMAHra is "in the mood for romance," and when Pacey points to the new releases, TaMAHra says, "Oh, no -- I’m vintage, all the way." Pacey, nearly unable to speak by this point, starts to show her the classics section, but she asks all innocently, "Where would I find The Graduate?" Dawson sticks his head out from behind a shelf at this point as Pacey burbles, "The Graduate is the one . . ." and TaMAHra prompts him, "Where the older woman, Anne Bancroft, seduces the younger man, Dustin Hoffman?" You know, you’d think I’d get used to those iron-skillet blows to the head, but they still hurt just as much every time. Dawson appears with the film in hand, and after a little pay-when-you-return-it-don’t-forget-your-credit-card repartee, TaMAHra leaves, but not before turning as she goes and saying, "It was nice to meet you, Pacey." Pacey, all horndog: "Yeah." Dawson: "Wipe the drool, dude." Pacey insists, "Dude, she was flirting with me." Dawson corrects him, "She was laughing at you." Pacey, offended: "No, she wanted me!" Dawson, laughing: "She wanted Dustin Hoffman." Pacey sighs.
Dawson rounds the corner of the Nookie Hacienda with a handful of videos and spots Jen sitting on the dock and watching the sun set. In the three separate cuts we have between Dawson and Jen in the beginning of this scene, Dawson’s hair looks completely different -- but always terrible -- in each one. Dawson takes a seat to Jen, gives her a big I-can’t-afford-to-have-these-capped-yet smile, and asks after her grandfather. Jen’s assessment of his status: "Uh, he’s breathing -- good sign." Dawson chuckles at this reasonably inappropriate gallows humor as Jen goes on, "It’s my Grams that presents a challenge. She’s got this praying mentality, which is really awkward ‘cause I don’t do the whole God thing." She reaches for Dawson’s videos, which include Creature From The Black Lagoon and Swamp Thing, and Dawson explains, "It’s research. I’m making a movie." "Really," Jen says, sounding impressed. "Kinda young to be so ambitious." Dawson responds with a worried look, "Fifteen. Spielberg started on eight-millimeter when he was thirteen." Yeah, and Spielberg still sucks rocks, Dawson -- and by the way, Ethan Hawke sent a runner over from the set of Reality Bites, and he wants his hair back. Jen asks, "Why movies? What’s the attraction?" Dawson responds, without a hint of irony, "I reject reality." Jen sort of laughs as if to say, "Whatever." Dawson invites her to see his studio. While they climb the stairs to Dawson’s lair, I sharpen a fondue fork in anticipation of the agony I know awaits me. Dawson and Jen walk into the Sanctum Dawsonorum. The camera yaws from one Spielberg poster to another as Jen takes a stab at humor: "Long shot here, ah -- Spielberg fan?" Dawson, whose hair has undergone yet another metamorphosis and now looks like he starred in the low-water-pressure episode of Seinfeld, nods quickly and quips, "I pretty much worship the man in a godlike way, yeah." Jen says, "How revealing." Indeed. Dawson launches into the guided tour: "I have his career chronicled up on my wall -- if you’ll notice, everything is arranged in receding box office order, starting with the blockbusters, Jurassic Park, E.T., Jaws, Indiana Jones series, and if you’ll follow it to my critically acclaimed wall, I have Schindler’s List and The Color Purple." Dawson throws open his closet doors (no comment) and continues, "Also, for humility purposes, I also [sic] keep his flops, 1941 and Always, in limited but accessible view." Jen inquires flirtatiously, "Are you familiar with obsessive reality disorder?" No such disorder exists, except on the part of the DC writers, but even if it did, Dawson wouldn’t notice, as we see when he babbles, "It’s beyond that. See, I believe that all the mysteries of the universe, all the answers to life’s questions, can be found in a Spielberg film." I bury the fondue fork firmly in my left eyeball as Dawson expounds on his theory: "Whenever I have a problem, all I have to do is look to the right Spielberg movie, and the answer is revealed." Jen skeptically suggests "a twelve-step program," to which Dawson responds, "Wit. We like that around here." As if Dawson would know wit if it attached itself to his panoramic forehead with a suction cup.
Anyway, cut to Joey storming across the Leerys’ lawn and heading up the ladder. As she nears the top, she hears Dawson and Jen talking; Jen says something like, "You are very smooth," and Joey stops to listen and gets all squidg
ed out. Dawson explains the Boston film competition to Jen, but before he can get all worked up and start running his hands through his hair, Grams comes to the rescue with her signature "Jennifah!" Jen sighs in exasperation and goes to the window, and she looks out one window at Grams on the neighboring porch while Joey leans way over to one side so that Jen doesn’t see her. Jen says she has to go -- she doesn’t want Grams "to erupt" -- and Dawson says, "See you at school." She leaves the front way, and Dawson leans back with a satisfied I’m-the-man smile. Joey waits for the sound of the door closing before climbing the rest of the ladder to Dawson’s room. As she enters, Dawson greets her with, "Joey, hey, where you been? Come on, sit down. Watch this." He rewinds and plays a tape of Gail’s newscast, then asks Joey if she thinks Gail -- whose hair looks even more absurd in this shot -- is having an affair with her co-anchor. Joey, dumbfounded: "Where did that come from?" Dawson plays it again and says, "Something about her ‘b’s -- they’re too soft." Joey blows this off as "reaching" and refers to The Flash as "the perfect male specimen." Yikes. Dawson won’t drop it, and Joey tells him he’s "just looking for conflict -- everything’s a potential script to you. Accept your perfect life, Dawson. It’s reality." Dawson keeps rewinding and replaying Gail saying "back to you, Bob" with her ridiculous Best-Of-Breed hair as we fade, mercifully, to commercial, but first I would like to add that Joey looked quite pretty in this scene, shot back in the day when the hairdressers remembered to blow-dry Katie Holmes’s hair out straight.
The only scary thing about H2O is the fact that it got made in the first place.
Jen, walking past her grandfather’s room on her way out the door to school, pauses in the doorway to look at his moribund form. Then she approaches his bed shyly and sits beside him, whispering, "Morning, Granddad," as she puts down her backpack. Granddad doesn’t open his eyes or respond, and I do wonder why, if his aorta really did collapse, his doctors let him go home from the hospital. Jen pulls aside the flap of his pajama top and looks at his surgery scar (creepy), and then she kind of brushes her fingers across the scar (way creepy), and just then Grams materializes and sternly asks Jen what she’s doing, and Jen says she was just saying good morning, and Grams tells her her breakfast is ready, and Jen says softly, "I’m glad I’m here, Grams," and Grams purses her lips and tells Jen to hurry up, she shouldn’t get to school late on the first day, and bustles back to the kitchen in her Depression-era smock.
Kitchen. Grams scrambling eggs; Jen saying she doesn’t usually eat breakfast and only needs "a coffee fix" in the mornings. Grams shouting, "Am I running a hotel here?" Oops, my mistake, Grams drily promising to "remember that in the future." Jen asking about Dawson. Grams observing, "That boy is trouble." Jen wisecracking, "Aren’t they all?" Sars muttering, "Good point." Jen asking about Joey and getting more or less the same response as Grams complains that Joey climbs in and out of Dawson’s window all the time and that neither Dawson nor Joey "goes to church," and refers to them as "the wrong element." Jen and Grams tussling over whether Jen should say grace, with Grams in favor and Jen strongly opposed. Grams asking why. Jen climbing onto her overly rigid and pretentious atheism soapbox. Grams staring at her in frank horror.
Extremely jarring jump cut to the exterior of Capeside High, accompanied by the omnipresent "Tubthumping," and kids pouring off of yellow buses and throwing Frisbees and greeting each other after the summer vacation. Inside, a great deal of milling about. Jen stands at her locker, and Little Miss Overstatement, a.k.a. Nellie, marches up to her and chirps, "Hi, I’m Nellie Olsen," and she and Jen have a bit of non-funny banter about Little House On The Prairie, and I don’t see why the writers went to such lengths with this character and her non-amusing, non-ironic name and her inappropriate-for-daytime hairstyle and clothing when she promptly vanished from the show, but anyway, Nellie rattles on about welcoming Jen to town from New York, asks after Jen’s grandfather, and then without so much as a segue babbles, "[Your Granddad]’s still on the prayer list at church. You party?" Jen, confused: "What?" Nellie: "Par. Tee." Jen, still confused: "Party as in I like to have a good time, or party as in drink and use drugs?" Nellie, skeptical: "It’s subjective." Jen: "I like to have a good time. Substance-free." Oddly, I don’t remember Jen’s straight-edge period, perhaps because the writers have already forgotten she had one. Nellie sneers, "Maybe we should call you Nellie. See ya," and if this made sense, Jen might have felt insulted, but it didn’t, so she doesn’t and just rolls her eyes as Nellie walks away, and right then a lovestruck Dawson bounds up to Jen and asks how it’s going, and Jen admits that she could use a cigarette, and Dawson says all concerned and judgmental, "You smoke?" and Jen reassures him that she quit, she’s "just a little tense." Dawson makes a condescending comment about the first-day jitters. The two of them compare schedules. Dawson escorts Jen to biology class. Cue "Tubthumping" again.
In a classroom, Pacey balances a book on his head. Enter TaMAHra, and Pacey looks shocked and takes the book off his head and says, "TaMAHra!" and she asks him to call her Miss Jacobs during school hours. A way-too-long shot of Pacey flagrantly ogling TaMAHra follows.
In yet another classroom, Jen wanders in looking for a seat. Joey, already sitting down, spots her and quickly slumps down and looks away, but it doesn’t work -- Jen takes a seat to her and says, "Hey, hi. I was hoping we’d have a class together." Joey, having none of it, smiles tightly and says, "Here we are." Jen looks mildly dismayed at Joey’s utterly unwelcoming reaction.
In yet another classroom, Dawson walks in and says, "Psycho," referring to the film that Mel Silver’s Twin Brother, a.k.a. Mr. Gold, has on the TV. "You know the film?" Mr. Gold asks, as if 1) Psycho qualified as an obscure picture or 2) anyone should ever ask Dawson anything about film. Dawson proceeds to rattle off information about the movie in a self-righteous tone of voice: "Anthony Perkins, Janet Leigh, Universal, 1960. Little-known fact -- did you know that Hitchcock surprised Leigh with freezing-cold water in order to get her to scream so effectively?" Mr. Gold, bless his heart, is not impressed, responding with a curt "who are you?" Dawson, as if he expects his reputation as a film-making wunderkind (tm Sheriff Witter) to have preceded him: "I’m Dawson Leery." Mr. Gold says he assumes he’ll see Dawson in his film class, but Dawson explains -- implying that obviously someone made a grievous error -- that he "was denied admittance to" Mr. Gold’s film class. Mr. Gold says that means Dawson "must be a sophomore." Dawson: "That’s a bad thing?" Mr. Gold explains that, due to the popularity of the class, priority is given to upperclassmen. Dawson calls the rule "stupid," which Mr. Gold doesn’t appreciate since he made the rule, but when he sees Dawson’s face fall, he asks, "Why are you so adamant?" Oh, nice one, Mr. Gold -- now we have to hear about Dawson’s love of film. Sure enough, Dawson declaims, "Passion, Mr. Gold. Pure mad driven passion. Movies are my life," a statement which falsely presumes that Dawson has a life, which we all know he does not. Mr. Gold says, "Oh, I see," and if a response can get more perfunctory and dismissive than that one, I’d like to see it. Dawson apologizes for dorking out but says, "The point is, I’m gonna be a filmmaker -- it’s my life’s ambition, always has been. How many students do you have in this class who can say that?" Mr. Gold looks vaguely annoyed as Dawson whines about the lack of film-studies opportunities in a town as small as Capeside and petitions him to "override this bizarre rule that denies students their education," and then Mr. Gold informs Dawson to take a hike, and when Dawson sputters in protest, Mr. Gold repeats, "No, period. It’s a complete sentence." Come back to the five-and-dime, Mr. Gold, Mr. Gold!
Leaving class, Jen asks Joey "kinda upfront" if she and Dawson have "a thing." Joey snorts, "No, we’re just friends," and Jen adds quickly, "Like we’re gonna be, I hope." Joey curls her lip as Jen confides that her Grams warned her about Joey -- "she says you’re severely troubled." Joey says, "No offense, but your Grams is cracked." Jen ignores this and asks why Grams "rags on" Joey; Joey tells Jen to "pick a topic," and then delivers the by-now-standard Joey The Black Sheep Of Capeside speech that covers her father (in jail) and her sister (pregnant by a black man).
Jen asks why Joey’s father went to prison, and Joey responds, "Conspiracy to traffic marijuana in excess of ten thousand pounds," which answers that question. Jen asks about Joey’s mom; Joey brusquely says she got cancer and died, and Jen asks if Joey lives with her sister, and Joey says, "And the black boyfriend." She goes on, "He likes you, you know," and Jen says, "Who, the black boyfriend?" and Joey says impatiently, "Dawson. Don’t abuse his feelings," and leaves Jen standing there, presumably thinking up more intrusive questions with which to further alienate Joey.
In the cafeteria, Jen, Joey, and Dawson sit at a table together. Dawson and Jen make incredibly dumb jokes about the teachers and their fellow students, and Joey makes "like, ha ha, not" faces and glares at Jen with undisguised hatred, and I so don’t blame her. Dawson compliments Jen on her wit and says, "I should bring you in to touch up my dialogue," and Joey interrupts to remind him that she and Dawson are "supposed to be working," and Dawson asks Jen to look at Act Three because he is "having a climax issue." Oh, for fuck’s sake, Dawson -- shut up. Joey rolls her eyes and presses her fingers to her temples, and in a frightening coincidence, Sars does the same thing at the same time.
Cut to TaMAHra’s classroom. Pacey comes in and hits on TaMAHra with about as much subtlety as a Mack truck, asking how she liked The Graduate and inquiring, "Are you in the mood for romance tonight?" After a bit of back-and-forth about The Summer Of ’42, which Pacey characterizes as "a beautiful woman who seduces a young boy on the verge of manhood," he offers to reserve it for her, but she blows him off -- she’s going to the new film at the Rialto tonight. Pacey says he’ll have to check it out, and leaves the room, but not before crashing into another student. Whatever.
In the hallway, Pacey fills Dawson in on recent developments and tries to get Dawson to accompany him in stalking TaMAHra at the movies. Dawson doesn’t want to, and Pacey wheedles, "I actually have the possibility of losing my virginity in a high-level-fantasy fashion," and Dawson basically tells him to go home and masturbate already because "it’s not gonna happen" with TaMAHra. Pacey says he just wants to "familiarize" TaMAHra with his many charms. Dawson tells him to quit deluding himself, but Pacey cites the "fact" that older women often prefer "young boys on the verge of manhood," a phrase I didn’t need to hear once, much less twice, and backs it up by saying that he "read that in Cosmopolitan." Dawson: "What are you doing reading Cosmopolitan?" Pacey: "Listen, I have three menstrually diverse [sic] sisters, okay? Cosmo is my savior." Dawson seems to accept this, but wonders what Pacey needs him for. Pacey growls, "Moral support!" and says that Dawson "can bring Miss Teen New York," and they both look down the hallway at Jen getting macked on by a football player, and Pacey adds, "Unless somebody’s beaten you to it." Pacey then tells Dawson to "be assertive" and go talk to Jen, and advises him to read Cosmo before pushing him in Jen’s direction. Dawson mocks the football player by telling another stupid joke in the same vein as before about the guy’s "Tori Spelling complex" and transvestism. Finally, he very casually asks Jen if she wants to go to the movies that night.
Before Jen can respond, cut to Joey walking along the waterfront. Dawson nearly runs her over on his bike. Baseball hat backwards on his head in an approximation of coolness, Dawson asks Joey for a favor; he has a "semi-quasi-date with Jen tonight," and he needs Joey to come along and act as Pacey’s semi-quasi-date so it doesn’t seem awkward. Joey refuses, saying, "I’d rather go down in a plane crash." Dawson begs. Joey refuses. Dawson begs some more. Finally, Joey says "whatever" all reluctantly, and Dawson hugs her and thanks her profusely and says he knows she is worried about their relationship, but "nothing has to change -- we can talk about anything," and he speeds off on his bike as Joey frowns and keeps walking.
Bring me the head of Michigan J. Frog.
Over at The Ryan Home For Wayward Granddaughters, Grams is asking Jen, "Where exactly are you going?" Jen tells Grams that Dawson has a gun, so they thought they’d rob a couple of liquor stores and then get some tattoos. Grams doesn’t find this funny -- probably because, like most of the attempts at humor on the show, it isn’t -- and chastises Jen for talking "like that." Jen teases her, "I am simply trying to establish a rapport with you that is based on humor." Um, Jen? Try harder. Grams asks that Jen come in by ten, which Jen says she can do, and she thanks Grams for "being so cool about this" because she thought Grams would chain her to a chair or something, and Grams says not to mention it, "just as long as you come to church with me on Sunday morning." Jen: "I knew there was going to be a catch -- Grams, I’m sorry, but you’re going to have to give up on this one." Grams, with a little smile: "I’m afraid I insist." Jen, crisply: "I’m firm about my beliefs. Please respect them." Grams tells her she knows what happened in New York, and church will do Jen good, but Jen tells Grams to let her determine that, and she’ll promise to keep an open mind in regards to Grams’s beliefs. Gee, Jen, how generous. Well, except for the "generous" part. Grams informs her, "The decision has been made. You will do as I say, you are under my guard." Jen remarks, "You know, I am trying really hard to keep my rebellious nature in check," as if by not acting out she is somehow doing Grams a favor, and then says she will go to church when Grams says the word "penis." Needless to say, that goes over like a lead balloon, and Jen prates on about the "clinical and technical" nature of the word "penis" as Grams stands open-mouthed, and then Jen says, "Grams, I really love you, but you’re gonna have to lighten up." She kisses Grams on the cheek and goes out. So very funny -- any minute I’m sure to laugh (tm Cordelia).
The Flash tinkers with a model of something or other. Dawson galumphs down the stairs attired in a J.Crew outfit about three sizes too large and announces his imminent departure. The Flash asks what Dawson thinks of all the waitresses wearing scuba gear. Huh? Dawson’s opinion: "Completely impractical."
Dawson goes on to describe The Flash’s aquatic theme restaurant as "getting worse on a daily basis." The Flash ignores this and tells Dawson to move out of the way of the TV; Gail’s newscast has just come on and, The Flash leers, "Watching her work is the best foreplay." With dialogue like this, who needs syrup of ipecac? Dawson agrees and makes to leave, but when The Flash warns him to "play safe," Dawson has a hissy about "the sex" and how "that’s all anybody ever thinks about anymore," and he doesn’t see "the big deal," and I can see a twelve-year-old freaking out in this prudish manner, but not a fifteen-year-old, and certainly not a fifteen-year-old boy. The Flash points out that "sex is a very big part of who we are as human beings," and Dawson retorts, "Does that mean we have to go hump the coffee table?" Then Dawson actually asks why, "if sex is so important," Spielberg has never had a sex scene in one of his movies, and says that Spielberg keeps sex in its proper place in film, "as should we in life." The Flash, instead of sending Dawson to his room until he turns forty, doesn’t dignify his tirade with a response. Dawson hears the doorbell and bolts, leaving The Flash to gaze upon Gail with lust in his eye.
Interracial House Of Pancakes. Bodie reading Bon Appetit, Bessie painting a birdhouse (yes, a birdhouse, and no, I have no idea), Joey barreling out the front door. Bessie grabbing Joey on the way by, and Joey in a hurry, and Bessie telling Joey, "Your attitude’s got to go." Bessie putting lipstick on Joey and dispensing advice on its reapplication. Joey smiling grudgingly. Short but fairly sweet sisterly moment. Joey taking off for boat.
The Gang Of Four, walking down the street at sunset. Dawson asks if Jen will stay for the whole school year and she says it depends on her grandfather and what her parents say. Jen again attempts to reach out to Joey by admiring her lipstick and asking, "What shade is that?" but once again she gets shot down by Joey’s catty response: "I love your hair color -- what number is that?" Dawson, embarrassed, says, "You’ll have to excuse Joey, she was born in a barn." Joey glares at him and asks Jen if she’s a virgin, and Dawson tries to break in but Joey keeps going, divulging that Dawson is still a virgin, "and two virgins really make for a clumsy first encounter, don’t you think?" Dawson threatens Joey with death, and she innocently says she just wanted to help, "you know, cut to the chase?" Jen says it’s okay, and says she is a virgin (no comment); she asks Joey if she is a virgin too, to which Joey responds, "Oh, please, years ago, trucker named Bubba." At this point, Dawson yanks Joey aside: "What is up with you?" Joey gives him a "what are you going to do about it" look and feigns innocence as they arrive at the Rialto.
As they all file into the theater -- Pacey followed by Joey, then Jen, then Dawson -- Pacey spots TaMAHra taking a seat a few rows ahead of theirs and excuses himself. The lights go down. Joey glances over at Jen and Dawson and rolls her eyes. Dawson sneaks a look at Jen, then down at her hand, then wipes his palm on his khakis, then his hand freezes above Jen’s, with Joey transfixed by this entire process. At last, Dawson grabs Jen’s hand, and when Joey sees this, she sits bolt upright and asks, "So, Jen -- you a size queen?" How many fifteen-year-olds know the term "size queen"? Jen blinks and says, "Excuse me?" as Joey rephrases the question and Dawson reproves her, "Joey!" Jen says that, as a virgin, she hasn’t given it much thought, and sarcastically asks how Joey feels about penis size, and Dawson reaches across Jen and grabs Joey’s arm, snapping, "You and me, outside, now!" Dawson pulls her out of the row of seats by the hand while muttering, "I am going to kill you!" Joey says over her shoulder to Jen, "Did you notice the long fingers?" and Jen stares as both of them like they’re crazy.
Meanwhile, as Waiting For Guffman unfolds on the screen, Pacey plunks himself down to TaMAHra. Misunderstandings ensue as Pacey offers to sit to her, presents her with a Milk Dud, tells her he reserved The Summer Of ’42 for her, invites himself over to watch it with her, and so on and so forth. Then TaMAHra’s date, Mr. Gold, appears with an armload of snacks and asks TaMAHra if Pacey is "bothering" her, and she says no, but Pacey doesn’t get the hint, and TaMAHra tries to let him down easy, and Mr. Gold grabs Pacey’s arm, and when Pacey wrenches out of his grasp, Mr. Gold spills an economy-sized bin of popcorn all over the bruiser sitting behind them who had just told Pacey to put a lid on it, and the bruiser proceeds to punch Pacey in the face. Oops.
Out in the lobby, Dawson gets up in Joey’s face: "Are you tweaking? What is your problem?" Joey gives it right back: "My ‘problem’ is that from the moment Miss Highlights showed up you haven’t said one word to me!" Dawson, outraged: "Crap, that is pure crap, and you know it!" Joey, equally infuriated: "All I know is that all your blood is rushing downward and you can’t even acknowledge another human being is even present!" Um, Joey? You’re talking about Dawson. Get used to it. Dawson, fed up, says he likes Jen and wonders why Joey can’t understand that: "I thought you were my friend!" Joey understands, all right: "I understand everything! I’m tired of understanding! All I do is understand!" She pushes past Dawson, and Dawson calls out, "Joey!" and she turns around slowly, glares at him, and proceeds to scorch him: "Nothing penetrates with you, Dawson. You’re so far removed from reality you can’t even see what’s right in front of you." Word. Dawson doesn’t get it, and Joey explains, "Your life -- it’s a frickin’ fairy tale and you don’t even know it. You just want conflict for that script you’re writing. Stop living in the movies. Grow up." She turns away again and walks out, and we cut to commercial before Dawson’s hands wind up in his hair. Ach, Old Joey, we hardly knew ye.
After the movie, Dawson walks Jen home. He offers to take her right to the door, but she says he needn’t bother, what with "Grams waiting to pounce" and all. Thus begins the awkward kiss/non-kiss moment, as they both stand there shifting their weight and saying "so" and "uh" and "yeah." Dawson says, "It was a really repulsive evening," and Jen chuckles lamely. Dawson leans in for the kiss, but Jen loses her nerve at the last minute and starts babbling as Dawson jerks his head back in frustration: "You know, this is, this is all my fault. I know I don’t possess much power in the universe, but I feel completely responsible for tonight, Dawson." Dawson says, "No, no, I pulled the pin, I tossed the grenade," and then makes an "L" sign on his forehead with his hand. Word, word, a thousand times word. Jen starts laughing and tells him, "You’re not a loser, Dawson, you’re very sweet, and smart, you’ve got a great sense of humor -- you’re cool, without being really obnoxious about it," and I agree, except that he isn’t cool, and he is really obnoxious, about everything, but other than that I think Jen’s got something there. She also calls him "talented" and mentions his "clear skin -- big plus." Yeah, most twenty-two-year-olds have gotten past the acne, but whatever. Jen thanks Dawson, referring to things in New York as "not so great" and things here at Grams’s as "kind of scary," and Dawson considers leaning in again, but the porch light goes on and Grams appears under it, so Jen says she should go but "thanks for everything," and Dawson flails, "But, um," and Jen says, "I’m just gonna pretend we kissed, okay?" and heads inside. Dawson and his Ethan Hawke hair smile but don’t know quite what to make of it.
Over at the waterfront, a dejected and black-eyed Pacey scuffs along, hands in pockets. He comes upon TaMAHra staring out at the marina and mutters to himself, "What are the chances?" When she sees him, TaMAHra gasps, "Pacey! Are you okay?" Pacey tersely says he’ll live, and TaMAHra says, "Wait, talk to me a second." Pacey snaps, "About what, The Graduate or The Summer Of ’42, which would you rather discuss?" TaMAHra wants to "clear up this misunderstanding," and Pacey bitterly comments that he understands "perfectly well, ‘Miss Jacobs,’" and she tries to apologize but Pacey accuses her of lying and wants to know how she can say she was "just renting a movie," and she says, "Because it’s the truth." Pacey doesn’t buy it: "The truth is you’re a well-put-together knockout of a woman who’s feeling a little insecure about hitting forty." TaMAHra doesn’t like the sound of that, but Pacey is on a roll, continuing, "So when a young virile boy such as myself flirts with you, you enjoy it. You entice it [sic]. You fantasize about what it would be like to be with that young boy on the verge of manhood, because it helps you stay feeling attractive, makes the aging process a little more bearable," and if Pacey uses that phrase one more time, I don’t know what. TaMAHra looks beaten down by the force of Pacey’s contempt, but he hasn’t finished with her yet: "Well, let me tell you something, you blew it, lady, ‘cause I’m the best sex you’ll never have." She looks at him as he fumes and says, "You’re wrong about one thing, Pacey. You’re not a boy," and she kisses him, and he kisses her back, and she pulls away and says, "Oh god, I’m sorry, oh god," and runs away down the dock, and Pacey chuckles almost drunkenly, "I’ll see you in school, Miss Jacobs." As if he’d act so nonchalant.
Dawson and his XXXL outfit come into his room and turn on the TV and putter around. He opens the closet to put some things away and finds Joey inside. "What are you doing in there?" he asks gently. "Hanging with the flops," she mumbles with an arm-wave at the posters, and slumps onto his bed without looking at him as he asks, "What happened tonight, Joey?" "I wigged out," she answers, shrugging, and when he asks what’s going on between them she says, "I’ve no idea." Dawson apologizes for not adequately appreciating his perfect life and for acting like an "insensitive male," adding that he doesn’t want to lose her: "What we have is the only thing that makes sense to me." Then he says he thought she looked pretty with lipstick on; this pleases her, but he goes on to say that he ignored that thought and "it didn’t go any further than that," which he thinks she wants to hear, but which actually disappoints her. Joey sits up and says, "When I saw you going for Jen’s hand -- I mean, it’s, it’s not like I wanted to be the one holding your hand. I just didn’t want her holding it." Dawson: "So where does that leave us?" Joey shakes her head. Dawson flops back in his chair and grouses, "It’s all so complicated," and Joey comments philosophically, "You’re growing up, Dawson, that’s all. I mean, even Spielberg outgrew his Peter Pan syndrome." She gets up to leave. Dawson wants to know where she’s going. Joey says she can’t sleep over anymore, and they can’t talk to each other the way they used to do: "There are some things we just -- can’t say." Dawson disagrees and says he can tell Joey anything. She doesn’t believe him: "Yeah? How often do you walk your dog, huh?" Dawson, stalling for time: "What?" Joey: "You know what I mean -- what time of day? How many times a week?" Dawson looks at her, then away, then to the other side of the room, and doesn’t answer. Joey drops her gaze, and in that split second her whole face sort of gives way and she nearly bursts into tears (excellent acting by Katie Holmes right there), and Dawson says, "Good night." Joey climbs out the window and says, "See ya, Dawson," without looking at him, and he says "see ya" back. Down the ladder Joey goes as Dawson runs his hands through his hair in confusion and Chrissy Hynde wails in the background, and Joey stalks across the lawn of the Nookie Hacienda with her arms folded over her chest, beginning to cry, and Dawson bangs his head against his closet door. Joey runs down to her boat. Dawson slumps into his desk chair. As Joey unties the boat and snuffles, Dawson leans out the window and yells, "Joey!" She looks up as he confesses in full voice, "Usually in the morning, with Katie Couric!" If ever you needed the textbook definition of Too Much Information, look no farther than that snippet of dialogue. Joey squints at him and then starts giggling in spite of herself and pushes off the dock, and Dawson laughs also. But as Joey starts rowing away, she hears a car door slam, and when she looks towards the sound, what to her wondering eyes should appear but Gail, leaning into the window of an SUV and smooching with Bob, her co-anchor, and when Joey glances back at Dawson’s window he has already ducked back inside, and Joey looks worried as she drifts along on the creek. Thus beginneth the saga of the Faithless Hussy.