Previously on Dark Angel: Tinga got turned into a pickle-in-a-bag. Max got caught crying. Zack busted up Max and Logan's chubby-making session. Lydecker killed Sandoval with the left-over props from Batteries Not Included. Logan started walking, with the help of the Creepy Camera Man's legs. Nana Visitor took down The Weakest Link host in a bitch test. And I got stuck writing the season finale. Natch.
Oh my god. Jessica Alba's brother is guest-starring in this episode. How nepostistically nauseating. But I've been hearing complaints that I'm too down on our little Jessica. Purportedly I think she's ass and, thus, give her no credit for her supposed "skills improvement." So, since it's the season finale and I don't have to watch this crap for many moons I, Lulu Bates, do solemnly swear to give more credit to Jessica Alba for her (ahem) improved acting.
So to start the season finale, we get a funky aerial shot of Max holding Tinga's dead -- yes, dead -- body. No matter what the debate in the forums may lead you to believe, Tinga is dead. We get one good actor on the show, and they kill her off. Damn you, Powers That Be! Damn you! (I'm standing on my desk and shaking my fist as I write this.) So Max is cuddling Tinga's unfortunately deceased body, and they are in the middle of a circle of grumpy-looking men with big scary guns, and Lydecker is there looking horrified at Tinga's death. He calls out Max's name, which seems like a pretty stupid thing to do, and yet he looks surprised that she freaks when she sees him and launches her twig-like body fist-first at his head. She, of course, gets zapped immediately by the mazillion soldiers that are in the room. She twitches for awhile and then falls unconscious. You know, Jessica Alba's pretty good at twitching, seizing, and generally shaking uncontrollably. I wonder how her acting coach trained her for that? "Okay, Jessica, darling, let's try that again. This time, I'll turn the voltage up to 300. That should really get you twitching." At any rate, she's a heck of a twitcher.
One of Madame X's cronies reports that Lydecker was tracking Max, and she led him to the facility where they were keeping Tinga. Madame X, who I am going to call Nana Visitor because I want to, tells the soldier to capture the X5 (Max) and arrest Lydecker. The soldier is all, "What you talking 'bout Willis?" Nana Visitor informs him that Lydecker is being charged with the murder of Agent Sandoval and that he is to arrest Lydecker. The soldier heads inside and tells Lydecker that he isn't supposed to be there, and that he needs to leave posthaste. Lydecker tells all but two of his men to move out, and then he shoots Nana Visitor's soldiers in the head. He tells his soldiers that he has no idea what's going on, but he's aiming to find out. If neither of them has the stomach for it, now's the time to leave. Wouldn't the time to leave be before he killed his boss's soldiers? Whatever -- that speech was ripped straight from a John Wayne film where there's an evil sheriff and a rough-and-tumble yet morally superior cowboy who has to come save the townsfolk. Both soldiers stay, of course. All the while Max is lying unconscious on the floor. And I have to hand it to her, she's pretty good at lying there and not moving. Lydecker has the soldiers put her in the back of the van, and they drive around trying to decide what to do.
“ Logan is not listening so well right now, so Lydecker decks him and carts him back to the van. He informs Krit and Syl that Max is 'K.I.A.,' which I gather means 'Kooky Intrepid Afghan.' ”
Max and Zack head separately into the woods. They're shaking their little cabooses when Max suddenly realizes she's not alone -- she's confronting herself. Damn existentialist moments sneak up on you at the darndest times. Max freezes when she's confronted by Mini-Max. She asks herself is she knows who she is. Without thinking twice, Mini-Max fires her gun straight at Max. Yeah, philosophical discussions piss me off too.
After the commercial, the scene cuts back to before a shot is fired. Max knocks the gun out of Mini-Max's hand. They fighty fight for awhile, and they're encumbered by bad editing, but Max eventually overpowers herself and breaks her arm. Zack comes up and grabs her, and they run off to the van and join up with Krit, Syl, Logan, and Lydecker. They can't believe they did it. They took down Manticore! The bad editing makes me suspicious, but I'm willing to suspend my disbelief for now. No, really, I am. They head back to Seattle. Okay, wait. Wasn't Manticore in Wyoming? Am I all confused again? Jos? Care to clear this up? Any of you forum posters able to explain this one? Hmm. Anyway, they go to their little bar to celebrate their victory. Max's hair looks clean and curly while she and Original Cindy play foosball. But in the scene when she heads to the bar for a pitcher of beer, her hair is greasy again. There must be some nasty air in that bar. Sketch is hitting on Syl. Lydecker's drinking water and reading a book. Jessica Alba's brother is talking to Logan. Aw, introducing the family to the fianc. And -- what? Herbal and Zack talking about the meaning of life? This is so stupid that it had better be a dream sequence. Max comes up to Logan and says she wants to get out of there. They do it. It's all dimly lit and brief skin shots and, and, well, sorry, this girl reporter gets embarrassed at the slightest thing and had to leave the room. Maybe somebody from the forums will recap that scene. I can tell you that Max does not ask, "Is that a exoskeleton in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?" And I can also say that there's some serious coitus interruptus when that damn crow flies in and interrupts their horizontal hokey-pokey. Logan looks at his hand, and it's covered with blood. And I will avoid that one like a good girl should. Max starts to freak out. What's going on?
The tape rewinds to the scene of the shooting. Mini-Max really took her out. She's been shot. Logan, on the other side of the walkie-talkie, realizes something's wrong. He heads out of the van. Meanwhile, Zack is surrounded by those rambunctious X7s. Those pesky kids! Logan finds Max in the woods. She's dying. He swoops her up in his arms, and they share a moment. She wants to tell him something, but she's dying. By the way, I sincerely hope the edge of your seat is comfortable. 'Cause I'm sure you're all perched there, dying to know if Max dies or not. 'Cause she's not the star of the show or anything. And the show didn't just get picked up for a second season. Nope, nothing like that. Back to the action, where Max says she should have told Logan something a long time ago, but she dies before she can tell him what it is. He is distraught. By the way, Max has some lovely blue eyeshadow on during this scene. It's nice to see that the army cares about the appearance of their little soldiers. So, Max is dead. Lydecker rushes up and sees Logan holding her body and rocking back and forth. He says that Logan has to let her go, she's gone. Logan is not listening so well right now, so Lydecker decks him and carts him back to the van. He informs Krit and Syl that Max is "K.I.A.," which I gather means "Kooky Intrepid Afghan."