In this latest debacle of an award-nominated show, we find Zack strapped into some freaky torture machine at Manticore. Lydecker argues with a doctor about whether or not they should proceed with some procedure that will royally mess our boy up. Lydecker wins the argument (duh) and the doctor injects Zack with some, um, something. Then he shines a red light into Zack's forcibly open eye while Lydecker asks him to reveal the location of the other X5s. There's some flashback action; then Zack is in a prison cell watching a ghosty girl who looks like Max knock out his guards and bust him out. They run down the hall, they hide in an empty room, and then the ghosty Max asks him to tell her where the other X5s are so she can warn them. He gets confused, then angry, then he chokes her. Yay Zack! End this ridiculous travesty of a show! Oh, but, too bad, it's not Max at all. It's a Max look-alike. Soldiers and the doctor and Lydecker come in to save the girl, and Zack tells Lydecker he'll. Never. Tell. Him. Anything.
Um. Okay, so we come back from commercials to Max pulling a RAW CHICKEN out of a dirty canvas sack. She's in Logan's apartment, and she's all proud, showing it off to Number Two. She scored it at the farmer's market. It's not wrapped in plastic or anything. She holds it up, then she drops it back into the dirty canvas sack. Did you know that I once had to get a Certified Food Manager license to run a kitchen? It was a three-day joke of a course on all the different kinds of food poisoning, and also on health codes. What did I learn? Besides learning that I am smarter than many kitchen managers in Austin, Texas, I learned -- you know, I'm not even going to continue with this diatribe. Suffice it to say, that is just gross. I bet she doesn't wash the chicken or her hands before giving it to Logan to cook. Instead of washing her hands, she asks where Logan is. He's taking, says Number Two proudly, a walk down by the waterfront. A walk? Yes! A walk! Cut to the Cap'n, digging his toes in the sand. Max finds him there. They exchange banter about the dirty chicken. They exchange banter about the miracle of life. They marvel at the cold water, and they do not kiss. Three times. Then a hoverdrone tells them to go away, so they do. Oh, and then they don't kiss one more time. They start to walk away, then they stop, turn around, run back to kiss, butthey don't. That makes five times. They were each going the wrong way, you see. That's why they had to turn around. Those clever writers. Always keeping us guessing.
And back at Jam Pony, we find that Original Cindy got evicted from her apartment because the South African frat guys killed her super. Max woodenly remarks that it's sad and unfortunate that she lost O.C. a job and an apartment. O.C. graciously says that it sucks, but she doesn't hold any resentment. So Max offers to let O.C. move into her squat. Kendra, it seems, has moved in with Walter the Pig. Thank God that scenery muncher is off the show! O.C. asks some basic questions: how's the water pressure? Is heat paid? Are the black helicopter guys going to storm the apartment and kill them both? Max assures her in the most un-ghetto of ghetto-speak that it's cool like dat, yo. The women smile and agree that O.C. will move in at lunchtime.
Okay, and so we fast-forward (literally) through the city streets, and we take turns peeking into first Max's apartment and then the Cap'n's apartment. They are each getting ready for their date with salmonella that evening. First one. Then the other. What to wear? Towels on the floor. Nosy roommates. Parallel conversations. Number Two and Original Cindy both point out that the, um, gun is loaded, so now things are different. Max and the Cap'n deny the significance of sexual tension in their relationship. Those smug roommates, though, they know better. Original Cindy says that lesbians move in together after the second date, so they never have to worry about all this drama. What does that mean? That's so not true. Um, Mr. Cameron? Sir? The Committee for the Prevention of the Perpetuation of Bullshit Stereotypes is on the phone. They'd like a word with you. ["They just got off the phone with ER, since we heard the same non-joke on that show a couple of weeks ago." -- Sars]
But you know, not everyone in this world is lucky enough to fret about what to wear to the Ice Cream Social. Some of us are still strapped to a table, eyes held open by metal, um, things, and mouth gagged with surgical tubing. (I feel like I'm writing fetish porn when I describe that machine.) And then some of us fall unconscious and get buried alive in a graveyard full of tombstones marked with barcodes, then wake up and have to bust our way out of our own burial sites. That's right. A weakened, frantic Zack pushes his way out of a sealed casket that's covered in at least six feet of damp soil. 'Cause his DNA was spliced with zombie DNA, that's why he can do that. He runs away through the woods. When he gets to the road, the doctor (who, by the way, has been playing good cop to Lydecker's bad cop this whole time) is just waiting in his car. He flashes his lights. He gives Zack clothes and tells him that he's sorry, but it was the only way to get him out. I guess he means by burying Zack alive. Um, right. Then he says he's helping Zack to soothe his troubled conscience. Solemme get this straight. He knew Zack was part zombie and could dig his way out of a deep grave. And he knew how long it would take him. And he also knew where on the road Zack would pop out of the woods, and what size pants Zack wears. Hm. Fishy. He gives Zack a wad of money as they're driving away, but, oh no! They get hunted down by the Manticore Creeps! And the doctor gets graphically riddled with bullet holes! He must be legit -- he died for Zack. Right? Zack runs away, gets to a pay phone, and calls Max. Original Cindy takes a break from hanging up her prized vintage Xena poster to answer the phone, and presumably gives Zack Logan's number so he can pull Max into some more shit. Which is lucky, because over at the Hall of Justice, things are pretty awkward. Nobody knows what to say, Max drinks a lot of wine, and the Cap'n realizes that, although he set the timer, he forgot to turn on the oven. Don't you think he'd've noticed that there was no smell of cooking meat? No fragrant waft of tender salmonella drifting around the house? You want to know the worst part? The worst part is that I bet they're going to go off and have some huge adventure and not refrigerate the chicken, then cook it and eat it hours later. Sheesh. So anyway, the phone rings, it's Zack, and he totally ruins their I'm-not-on-a-date experience.