In this latest debacle of an award-nominated show, we find Zack strapped into some freaky torture machine at Manticore. Lydecker argues with a doctor about whether or not they should proceed with some procedure that will royally mess our boy up. Lydecker wins the argument (duh) and the doctor injects Zack with some, um, something. Then he shines a red light into Zack's forcibly open eye while Lydecker asks him to reveal the location of the other X5s. There's some flashback action; then Zack is in a prison cell watching a ghosty girl who looks like Max knock out his guards and bust him out. They run down the hall, they hide in an empty room, and then the ghosty Max asks him to tell her where the other X5s are so she can warn them. He gets confused, then angry, then he chokes her. Yay Zack! End this ridiculous travesty of a show! Oh, but, too bad, it's not Max at all. It's a Max look-alike. Soldiers and the doctor and Lydecker come in to save the girl, and Zack tells Lydecker he'll. Never. Tell. Him. Anything.
Um. Okay, so we come back from commercials to Max pulling a RAW CHICKEN out of a dirty canvas sack. She's in Logan's apartment, and she's all proud, showing it off to Number Two. She scored it at the farmer's market. It's not wrapped in plastic or anything. She holds it up, then she drops it back into the dirty canvas sack. Did you know that I once had to get a Certified Food Manager license to run a kitchen? It was a three-day joke of a course on all the different kinds of food poisoning, and also on health codes. What did I learn? Besides learning that I am smarter than many kitchen managers in Austin, Texas, I learned -- you know, I'm not even going to continue with this diatribe. Suffice it to say, that is just gross. I bet she doesn't wash the chicken or her hands before giving it to Logan to cook. Instead of washing her hands, she asks where Logan is. He's taking, says Number Two proudly, a walk down by the waterfront. A walk? Yes! A walk! Cut to the Cap'n, digging his toes in the sand. Max finds him there. They exchange banter about the dirty chicken. They exchange banter about the miracle of life. They marvel at the cold water, and they do not kiss. Three times. Then a hoverdrone tells them to go away, so they do. Oh, and then they don't kiss one more time. They start to walk away, then they stop, turn around, run back to kiss, but…they don't. That makes five times. They were each going the wrong way, you see. That's why they had to turn around. Those clever writers. Always keeping us guessing.
And back at Jam Pony, we find that Original Cindy got evicted from her apartment because the South African frat guys killed her super. Max woodenly remarks that it's sad and unfortunate that she lost O.C. a job and an apartment. O.C. graciously says that it sucks, but she doesn't hold any resentment. So Max offers to let O.C. move into her squat. Kendra, it seems, has moved in with Walter the Pig. Thank God that scenery muncher is off the show! O.C. asks some basic questions: how's the water pressure? Is heat paid? Are the black helicopter guys going to storm the apartment and kill them both? Max assures her in the most un-ghetto of ghetto-speak that it's cool like dat, yo. The women smile and agree that O.C. will move in at lunchtime.
Okay, and so we fast-forward (literally) through the city streets, and we take turns peeking into first Max's apartment and then the Cap'n's apartment. They are each getting ready for their date with salmonella that evening. First one. Then the other. What to wear? Towels on the floor. Nosy roommates. Parallel conversations. Number Two and Original Cindy both point out that the, um, gun is loaded, so now things are different. Max and the Cap'n deny the significance of sexual tension in their relationship. Those smug roommates, though, they know better. Original Cindy says that lesbians move in together after the second date, so they never have to worry about all this drama. What does that mean? That's so not true. Um, Mr. Cameron? Sir? The Committee for the Prevention of the Perpetuation of Bullshit Stereotypes is on the phone. They'd like a word with you. ["They just got off the phone with ER, since we heard the same non-joke on that show a couple of weeks ago." -- Sars]
But you know, not everyone in this world is lucky enough to fret about what to wear to the Ice Cream Social. Some of us are still strapped to a table, eyes held open by metal, um, things, and mouth gagged with surgical tubing. (I feel like I'm writing fetish porn when I describe that machine.) And then some of us fall unconscious and get buried alive in a graveyard full of tombstones marked with barcodes, then wake up and have to bust our way out of our own burial sites. That's right. A weakened, frantic Zack pushes his way out of a sealed casket that's covered in at least six feet of damp soil. 'Cause his DNA was spliced with zombie DNA, that's why he can do that. He runs away through the woods. When he gets to the road, the doctor (who, by the way, has been playing good cop to Lydecker's bad cop this whole time) is just waiting in his car. He flashes his lights. He gives Zack clothes and tells him that he's sorry, but it was the only way to get him out. I guess he means by burying Zack alive. Um, right. Then he says he's helping Zack to soothe his troubled conscience. So…lemme get this straight. He knew Zack was part zombie and could dig his way out of a deep grave. And he knew how long it would take him. And he also knew where on the road Zack would pop out of the woods, and what size pants Zack wears. Hm. Fishy. He gives Zack a wad of money as they're driving away, but, oh no! They get hunted down by the Manticore Creeps! And the doctor gets graphically riddled with bullet holes! He must be legit -- he died for Zack. Right? Zack runs away, gets to a pay phone, and calls Max. Original Cindy takes a break from hanging up her prized vintage Xena poster to answer the phone, and presumably gives Zack Logan's number so he can pull Max into some more shit. Which is lucky, because over at the Hall of Justice, things are pretty awkward. Nobody knows what to say, Max drinks a lot of wine, and the Cap'n realizes that, although he set the timer, he forgot to turn on the oven. Don't you think he'd've noticed that there was no smell of cooking meat? No fragrant waft of tender salmonella drifting around the house? You want to know the worst part? The worst part is that I bet they're going to go off and have some huge adventure and not refrigerate the chicken, then cook it and eat it hours later. Sheesh. So anyway, the phone rings, it's Zack, and he totally ruins their I'm-not-on-a-date experience.
Max and the Cap'n get into their usual fight about whether or not it's a trap, and Max, as usual, runs off. So, yet again, they don't kiss. And now they're mad at each other. Those star-crossed lovers, what will they ever do? Max scoots through the first checkpoint by hiding her motorcycle somehow in a van on the top level of a bi-level car transporter truck (what are those things called?). How did she get her van up there? And so quietly? Why do I ask these kinds of questions? Oh, yeah. It's my job. Right. So when the hapless truck driver gets stopped at a second checkpoint, one at which a full search of all cars is required, well, Max just rides her bike on outta there, jumping it off the top of the big truck. Um, 'cause her bike has feline DNA and can jump like that without getting hurt. After our daredevil makes her daredevilish escape, she hides her bike in the woods and starts looking for Zack. She quickly finds him, of course, hiding in a cave. X5s have a special pheromone they use to find each other in the woods. That's why Max walked right into that cave, even when all those Manticore Creeps are creeping around not seeing the cave, and they've even been looking for a long time. Zack attacks her (yay! End the show!) and accuses her of being a turncoat, but she defends herself with some kung fu magic and convinces him otherwise. Then he cries and says that he made himself forget what he knew so that Lydecker's psychoactive drugs wouldn't work on him. Max has a flashback to Junior Soldier School, and Lydecker telling the little soldiers how to forget things. A little Max spouts a bunch of random numbers into a red beam of light, which we must presume means that she's forgetting things. Max tells Zack that everything's cool, but he doesn't agree with her, 'cause he was the only one who knew where everyone was, and now he's forgotten. Damn space cakes. So Max says, "You'll remember. You remembered my number, right?" This prompts Zack to make the embarrassing (maybe I'm the only one who is embarrassed) confession that he could never forget anything about her, ostensibly because her butt looks so good in jeans. 'Cause you know it's not her acting that makes her so unforgettable. Then Zack falls asleep and has a bunch of creepy dreams that strongly resemble recycled footage from earlier episodes. Max wakes him up, and he starts remembering all about the other X5s. She quizzes him and encourages him, and don't you just get a creepy feeling like maybe he's bugged or something? And maybe he shouldn't be talking about where all the others are? It's just a feeling I have. I'm a professional television critic, you know. My intuitions are pretty keen in these matters.
Meanwhile, back in Seattle, Cap'n EO tries to page Max, then gazes anxiously out the window. Oh, and then his legs stop working. Dang. He looks backward over his shoulder at his cane. Ominous music plays. For no good reason.
And back in the cave, Zack is still compromising the integrity of the others by spilling all his beans to Max. But he stops remembering pretty soon, so Max tells him to get some sleep. He tells her about how Lydecker tried to trick him with the ghosty Max, and Max gets this weird look on her face. Perhaps it is suspicion. I think Jessica Alba has been taking some acting classes. Or maybe she has gas. Either way, it's a weird look. She tells him she's going down the road to get some food at the gas station, then leaves to go spy on the Manticore Creeps who flock to the gas station to ensnare her in their evil web. Zack Radio never fails to draw a crowd, eh? Yeah, she spies with her weird telescopic pupils, then runs back to Zack and makes some hand gestures to him. They run silently out of the cave.
The camera cuts to a surveillance van, in which Lydecker and some other guy and the doctor who got riddled with bullet holes (that fink) all discuss whether or not to bring Zack in. The audio breaks up, the signal starts to move, and Lydecker says, "Something's wrong! I shouldn't be acting in this crap action drama! Cameron told me I was gonna be king of the world, that bastard!" The Manticore Creeps look and look; they follow the signal, and guess what they find? They find a transmitter taped to a piece of wood that's been floating downstream. Ha ha, you rotten bad guys! It's not that easy to catch an X5! Zack and Max run blithely away. Max is wearing a red shirt. That's dumb. EW! The soldier says, "Sir! He ripped the transmitter out of his head and used it as decoy!" I say again, ew. Elsewhere in the forest, Zack and Max hop on Max's motorcycle and ride away into a Nike commercial.
When they emerge from the Dodge commercial they've been riding through for what seems like hours, Max and Zack are at the Hall of Justice. Max tells the Cap'n that it was a trick, and I am mightily impressed that the Cap'n doesn't sing out, "I tooold you so!" Zack starts to ream himself for blabbing all about the locations of the other X5s, but stops short when he sees the Cap'n walking with his ominous cane. The Cap'n blows him off, and then the camera cuts to Lydecker listening to the recording of Zack blab-blab-blabbing about the other kids. Lydecker says he's going to have to move fast. Cut back to the Hall of Justice. Max badgers Zack to remember things he can't so that she can warn the others. He tells her to get fucked and stomps off. Then Max yells at the Cap'n for lack of anything better to do. The Cap'n, instead of yelling at Number Two like I would've done, has the brilliant idea to jump on E.O. teevee and tell the X5s to call their contact number, 'cause they're in danger. Well, how about that? I love me some Cap'n EO. He gives a broadcast, which is picked up not only by some faceless X5s who abandon their co-workers without a word, but which is also picked up by Lydecker. "When this is over," says Lydecker, "I want you to find out who this clown is." Oooooooh! Watch out, Cap'n! Watch out! You're monkeying with the wrong people! Anyway, Max and Zack stare out into the rain and argue about how trustworthy she is, about why Zack won't give her his contact number, and about how she's a liability to the other X5s because she's too reckless. Then Zack makes a crack about Max staying in Seattle because of the Cap'n, and then he snits away.
Over in BadGuyLand, Lydecker thumbs through pictures of the young X5s with a palpable hard-on. A lackey tells Lydecker that they've got a bead on the girl in Portland, and Lydecker tells him to ready the helicopter, 'cause he's gonna take care of this one himself.
And back at the Hall of Justice, the girl in Portland, whose name is Tinga (again, who came up with these names? What the hell kind of name is Tinga?) calls to tell Zack that Lydecker is onto her and she's in trouble. The camera cuts to a young woman being hounded through a dark, rainy street. She ducks; she hides. Lydecker roars onto the scene and asks a soldier if he knows what the woman looks like. The random soldier just happens to have an 8x10 glossy color photo of her, and claims that it was taken when she applied at her bakery job. It's moronic to ask these questions, but I can't help myself: who the fuck has to have a head shot taken to apply to be a baker? And what bakery on earth would keep an 8x10 copy of it in its records? Call me crazy, but I don't think the future is going to change the fact that most bakers are stoners who can't keep up with their wallets, much less personnel records and photographs. Argh. This show is like an eclipse, or the sun -- best not to look at it directly. Before we wander into Commercialand, the camera cuts to Tinga, who is hiding behind something dirty and whispering, "Come on, Zack, where are you?"
Back from commercials, the Manticore Creeps harass the crowds, looking for Tinga. Some soldier eventually spots her hiding among some city buses. They all play hide-and-seek for a while, Tinga occasionally kicking some ass. Eventually she gets trapped, cornered beyond all hope of escape. Or so we think. Dum-da-DA! Max and Zack drop from the sky, somehow having driven from Seattle to Portland in less time than it takes for a helicopter to travel the exact same distance. The three of them make a Charlie's Angel's formation for a long moment, then proceed to whomp all over the Manticore Creeps. This is satisfying, like when Batman and Superman team up to defeat Lex Luthor, who happens to be vacationing in Gotham for an episode or two. There's loud smacking noises, there's lots of whirling and grimacing, there's a shrieking noise in the background that is, I think, supposed to be a singer of some kind (you know, like background music). And then there are a dozen Manticore Creeps lying facedown in the mud and groaning, like so many ants gorged on poisonous sugar. Lydecker arrives just in time to hear the pitter-pat of tiny hooves on the roofs of the parked buses. The three tiny reindeer bound out of the bus yard just in time for Cap'n EO to screech up in his unfuturistic future-mobile. They speed away into the night.
The Cap'n drives them to some place where they can steal a car. Another unfuturistic car, I might add, but one with enough gas in the tank to get Zack and Tinga to the Canadian border. Tinga tries to ask Max why she's not coming, but Zack gets all pimp on her and basically tells her to shut up, beeyotch. She shoots him an oppressed-and-resentful-but-still-compliant look, then hugs Max and tells her to take care. Zack snarks that Max is gonna need a miracle to keep from getting this show canceled, I mean, getting caught. Smuggity-smuggity-smug. Blah blah blah.
Okay, so here's the part where they turn up the heat for interest in later episodes. Lydecker meets a bargain-basement version of The X-Files' Smoking Man somewhere on a dark dock. The Smoking Man tells Lydecker that the Committee has decided that the X5 situation needs to be resolved, and if he can't do it, someone else will. Lydecker protests, to no avail. He assures this discount Smoking Man that he'll get the job done, even if it means using deadly force. Ooooooooh. Drama. Ahem.
Back at the Hall of Justice, Max and the Cap'n talk cutesy couple-talk about the future and what-ifs and such, and then the Cap'n gives Max Zack's contact number, conveniently culled from the Cap'n's cell phone as the last number dialed. Max is surprised that Zack didn't cover his tracks better. Then she gets all excited about eating the damn salmonella dinner. While she's rooting around in the fridge, the Cap'n's legs totally buckle on him. He covers by holding himself up on the counter as if he is just leaning on it casually, but he gets all tense and basically tells her to make like a drumstick and beat it, with no explanation at all. Rude much? Jeez. She is pouty -- if you can tell, since her lips have been surgically altered to maximum pout already -- and she slams the door on the way out. At which point he collapses. She tries to call Zack from a pay phone, but the contact number has already been disconnected. Did you know that the Bell Company is selling all of its pay phones? Apparently, nobody uses them anymore. I saw it on the news -- no lie. So she changes clothes somewhere, for some reason, and climbs the Space Needle to ponder if there's something in the way she's made that drives people away. That one's too easy. I'll leave it for you.
Oh my God! I just realized that there was no Jam Pony subplot in this episode! Oh my God! Wow. Wow. I am almost weeping. This is incredible. And I almost took it for granted. Wow.