Episode Report Card Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Brains for dinner, brains for lunch, why can't we have some guts guts guts?!
By Amorgan | Season 1 | Episode 13 | Aired on 02.19.2001
And back at Jam Pony, we find that Original Cindy got evicted from her apartment because the South African frat guys killed her super. Max woodenly remarks that it's sad and unfortunate that she lost O.C. a job and an apartment. O.C. graciously says that it sucks, but she doesn't hold any resentment. So Max offers to let O.C. move into her squat. Kendra, it seems, has moved in with Walter the Pig. Thank God that scenery muncher is off the show! O.C. asks some basic questions: how's the water pressure? Is heat paid? Are the black helicopter guys going to storm the apartment and kill them both? Max assures her in the most un-ghetto of ghetto-speak that it's cool like dat, yo. The women smile and agree that O.C. will move in at lunchtime.
Okay, and so we fast-forward (literally) through the city streets, and we take turns peeking into first Max's apartment and then the Cap'n's apartment. They are each getting ready for their date with salmonella that evening. First one. Then the other. What to wear? Towels on the floor. Nosy roommates. Parallel conversations. Number Two and Original Cindy both point out that the, um, gun is loaded, so now things are different. Max and the Cap'n deny the significance of sexual tension in their relationship. Those smug roommates, though, they know better. Original Cindy says that lesbians move in together after the second date, so they never have to worry about all this drama. What does that mean? That's so not true. Um, Mr. Cameron? Sir? The Committee for the Prevention of the Perpetuation of Bullshit Stereotypes is on the phone. They'd like a word with you. ["They just got off the phone with ER, since we heard the same non-joke on that show a couple of weeks ago." -- Sars]
But you know, not everyone in this world is lucky enough to fret about what to wear to the Ice Cream Social. Some of us are still strapped to a table, eyes held open by metal, um, things, and mouth gagged with surgical tubing. (I feel like I'm writing fetish porn when I describe that machine.) And then some of us fall unconscious and get buried alive in a graveyard full of tombstones marked with barcodes, then wake up and have to bust our way out of our own burial sites. That's right. A weakened, frantic Zack pushes his way out of a sealed casket that's covered in at least six feet of damp soil. 'Cause his DNA was spliced with zombie DNA, that's why he can do that. He runs away through the woods. When he gets to the road, the doctor (who, by the way, has been playing good cop to Lydecker's bad cop this whole time) is just waiting in his car. He flashes his lights. He gives Zack clothes and tells him that he's sorry, but it was the only way to get him out. I guess he means by burying Zack alive. Um, right. Then he says he's helping Zack to soothe his troubled conscience. So…lemme get this straight. He knew Zack was part zombie and could dig his way out of a deep grave. And he knew how long it would take him. And he also knew where on the road Zack would pop out of the woods, and what size pants Zack wears. Hm. Fishy. He gives Zack a wad of money as they're driving away, but, oh no! They get hunted down by the Manticore Creeps! And the doctor gets graphically riddled with bullet holes! He must be legit -- he died for Zack. Right? Zack runs away, gets to a pay phone, and calls Max. Original Cindy takes a break from hanging up her prized vintage Xena poster to answer the phone, and presumably gives Zack Logan's number so he can pull Max into some more shit. Which is lucky, because over at the Hall of Justice, things are pretty awkward. Nobody knows what to say, Max drinks a lot of wine, and the Cap'n realizes that, although he set the timer, he forgot to turn on the oven. Don't you think he'd've noticed that there was no smell of cooking meat? No fragrant waft of tender salmonella drifting around the house? You want to know the worst part? The worst part is that I bet they're going to go off and have some huge adventure and not refrigerate the chicken, then cook it and eat it hours later. Sheesh. So anyway, the phone rings, it's Zack, and he totally ruins their I'm-not-on-a-date experience.
Max and the Cap'n get into their usual fight about whether or not it's a trap, and Max, as usual, runs off. So, yet again, they don't kiss. And now they're mad at each other. Those star-crossed lovers, what will they ever do? Max scoots through the first checkpoint by hiding her motorcycle somehow in a van on the top level of a bi-level car transporter truck (what are those things called?). How did she get her van up there? And so quietly? Why do I ask these kinds of questions? Oh, yeah. It's my job. Right. So when the hapless truck driver gets stopped at a second checkpoint, one at which a full search of all cars is required, well, Max just rides her bike on outta there, jumping it off the top of the big truck. Um, 'cause her bike has feline DNA and can jump like that without getting hurt. After our daredevil makes her daredevilish escape, she hides her bike in the woods and starts looking for Zack. She quickly finds him, of course, hiding in a cave. X5s have a special pheromone they use to find each other in the woods. That's why Max walked right into that cave, even when all those Manticore Creeps are creeping around not seeing the cave, and they've even been looking for a long time. Zack attacks her (yay! End the show!) and accuses her of being a turncoat, but she defends herself with some kung fu magic and convinces him otherwise. Then he cries and says that he made himself forget what he knew so that Lydecker's psychoactive drugs wouldn't work on him. Max has a flashback to Junior Soldier School, and Lydecker telling the little soldiers how to forget things. A little Max spouts a bunch of random numbers into a red beam of light, which we must presume means that she's forgetting things. Max tells Zack that everything's cool, but he doesn't agree with her, 'cause he was the only one who knew where everyone was, and now he's forgotten. Damn space cakes. So Max says, "You'll remember. You remembered my number, right?" This prompts Zack to make the embarrassing (maybe I'm the only one who is embarrassed) confession that he could never forget anything about her, ostensibly because her butt looks so good in jeans. 'Cause you know it's not her acting that makes her so unforgettable. Then Zack falls asleep and has a bunch of creepy dreams that strongly resemble recycled footage from earlier episodes. Max wakes him up, and he starts remembering all about the other X5s. She quizzes him and encourages him, and don't you just get a creepy feeling like maybe he's bugged or something? And maybe he shouldn't be talking about where all the others are? It's just a feeling I have. I'm a professional television critic, you know. My intuitions are pretty keen in these matters.