Cap'n EO has gone and made himself an appointment with his doctor. Seems he's been feeling things below the waistline -- sensations he doesn't understand. Oh, Cap'n. I feel exactly the same way! The doctor is poking the Cap'n's bare foot with what looks like a pastry cutter, but what I'm assuming is supposed to be some futuristic medical device. Good job there, props manager! Cap'n EO is busily trying to explain to the doctor that he has recovered some feeling, but the doctor is just as busily explaining that spinal nerve damage doesn't just get better. Well, thank you for that dose of reality, writers. How refreshing for it to pop up in this show, where feline DNA and Max saving the world in stiletto heels are just taken as par for the course! Moving on, the doctor proffers a theory as to Cap'n EO's recovery. Seems the Cap'n has undifferentiated stem cells floating around in his blood stream. How could this be? Stem cells, which can become any type of cell in the body, only show up in embryos in the first two or three weeks of development. Once again, how could this be? The doctor has no idea, but Cap'n EO certainly has a big ol' lightbulb hanging over his head. More interestingly, though, is James Cameron declaring a stance on the stem-cell-research issue burning a path through the halls of Congress? Is the King of the World a closet research advocate? Huh.
Anyway, back at the Halls of Justice, Max and the Cap'n are cozied up on the couch, and Max is rubbing EO's feet. Well, not rubbing so much as twisting his toes apart in order to cause pain. Doesn't that sound fun? The Cap'n shrieks like a girl, and Max looks interested. You know, I bet even in a depressed economy there's plenty of spare cash floating around for dominatrix services. And, as much as Max is supposed to be a super soldier, she kind of sucks at it -- don't you think she's more cut out for life as a dominatrix? She could really rake in the bucks. The Cap'n says that although he feels pain, the doctor says he's imagining it. Max opines that he's the one with the medical degree, so wouldn't he know? Yeah, Max? Duh. Cap'n EO says that he thinks the reason he is getting better is because of the blood transfusion Max gave him when he was in the hospital. Revved-up Manticore blood is the only possible answer. Well, either that's the answer, or the writers have a complete disregard for the laws of biology, neurology, and physiology. Max isn't surprised that her blood has a surplus of stem cells, because they were built to recover from injuries quickly, but she is surprised that Cap'n EO saw results after only one transfusion. They look at each other; Max finally catches the Cap'n's snap and they head into the other room. No, not for that, although the fact that they were all nestled on the couch and rubbing each other's feet was interesting. Are they dating or not? Oh, that's right, I don't care. At any rate, though, I don't let people rub my feet unless I know them really well. So the Cap'n and Max go into the room to transfuse on the dining room table, and Cap'n EO, I hope that before you invite me to dinner you sanitize that there table. Do you think that if individual homes had to comply with health-department standards, they could do it? My mom has the dogs help clean the dishes, after all, and I don't think the health department would look too kindly on that. And the Cap'n's table-top transfusion? Probably a big no-no. So they're doing the transfusion by candlelight, and they stare deep into each other's eyes and then the blood starts flowing. And flowing. And flowing. Finally Max passes out. What the hell kind of friend is Cap'n EO to let Max pass out from donating so much blood? Where are the juice and cookies, Cap'n? I'm very disappointed.
Later, after the creepy credits and the annoying Radio Shack commercial, it turns out that the other stars of this episode are the South African Goon Squad. Just my luck. Damn that Mercury in retrograde, ruining my whole week. Anyway, let's just call them SAGS, shall we? So the SAGS are back. Do you care? I find this subplot so boring. Actually, I find this whole show boring, but this subplot especially so. I mean, watching Max get her ass kicked once is one thing, but these South African super suckers are actually worse than Lydecker. And my dog has more of a flair for drama. Back to your day jobs, fellows! Back! Back! The SAGS are saying goodbye to one of their own. I think it's the one that Max hit with the stun gun. He's dying, so the other SAGS and their handler are throwing a funeral pyre for him. I guess it's the best way to get the implant out. The other SAGS are concerned, because the soldier only lasted six months. Their handler had promised them at least a year. Oh, scratch that, he promised that they would be paid for a year, regardless of how long they lived. They knew the risks of the implants when they signed up, so it's not the handler's fault. Besides, if they want to live a long healthy life, all they need to do is find the Manticore girl. Seems they have a partial number off the pager; and they are working on getting the rest. It's taking awhile, because the number was erased and they have to do a quantum scan. That's a useless bit of information, but I guess the writers are trying to explain things a little better. Good effort! The SAGS figure that if they get the last number, they can eventually trace it to Max, which seems awfully optimistic. But anyway, who was that last number? OC, of course.
At Jam Pony HQ, the annoying subplot du jour begins when OC and Sketch say good morning to Herbal. He answers their salutations in perfect Queen's English. They are shocked. OC says he doesn't sound like himself, and she wants to know what happened to him. Herbal says that his woman told him that some people find it hard to understand his patois. OC and Sketch want to know who can't understand him besides Normal, who's an idiot. Herbal says that his woman can't understand him, and that's why he's changing. This is so stupid and vaguely offensive and sure to end in some sort of moral about staying true to yourself. Sketch says something annoying about how sad it will be when Herbal starts sounding like a man in a suit. Speaking of which, OC answers a phone call, and it turns out that she got a real job in an office. The writers must be working on their continuity, too, because it seems that when Jam Pony was about to be bought by the Indian businessman, OC filled out an application at a telemarketing insurance firm. They want her to start this afternoon. She's so out of there. And she marches up to tell Normal just what she thinks of him and his managing style. She's going to really let him have it, right? Well, er, no. She just tells him she quits. And Normal zings her with a hyperlingual diatribe to rival OC at her best! What happened to my girl? Damn, this show sucks. Anyway, OC is going to run home, change her clothes, head to her new office, and meet up with the kids at Crash later. Huh, there's the doorbell. Oh, it was Foreshadowing, just stopping in for a quick visit.
The SAGS have a new pledge. He's a big'un like the rest. He's sitting in the sacred circle, surrounded by his frat brothers, saying the secret oath about never telling anyone the secret handshake, never getting drunk and singing the secret song in a crowded bar, and never, ever talking to any icky, icky girls. As soon as he puts in the implant, he's one of them. He stands up and does a victory dance that involves smashing a desk with his bare hands. Those wacky pledges! The handler (or should I say RA?) tells the SAGS that they finally traced the phone number from the pager. He hands them an address. They head to the address, hoping that they can finish their job before the kegger that night. The address is for, of course, OC's apartment. They tear up the place and harass her neighbors, like any good frat boys. They kill the neighbor after he tells them where OC can be found. Note to self: Tell the neighbors nothing.
OC is really getting off on the right foot at her new job. She is telling her new supervisor that while she has no insurance experience, she has excellent verbal skills that make her a natural for telemarketing. But OC is speaking in her typical slang-ridden style, and the uptight supervisor is shooting her all sorts of what-the-hell-did-we-hire look. See, this all ties into Herbal's attempts at improving his enunciation. It's annoying, and I'm not going to write about it anymore. Okay? Moving on.
At the Halls of Justice, Cap'n EO is doing…something. What the hell are you doing there, Cap'n? Just rolling back and forth, are you? And where are your hands, young man? Get them out of your pockets. And, no, don't look at your lap like you have no idea how that tent got pitched down there; we all know you are getting your feeling back, but we don't need to see this. No, no, don't bother getting up. Oh, wait, he's trying to stand up. He wants to test his leg strength. But it's not quite there yet, and he ends up falling over his desk. He knocks everything to the floor out of frustration, and Number Two comes into lift him off the desk and pick up the pieces.
Max returns home to her squat to find Walter the corrupt cop handcuffing Kendra. Max pushes him against the wall and tells him that if he thinks he's going to start shaking them down again, he's dead wrong. Kendra intervenes and tells Walter to put his pants on. Max and I share a look of abject disgust when we realize that Kendra's doing it with Walter. Kendra is obviously the avatar in James Cameron's wet dream. You know, the dream where skanky balding paunchy middle-aged men get to date smoking hottresses like Kendra. And when did Kendra turn into Elaine from Ally McBeal? Ew. She's so gross now. Kendra explains that she ran into Walter at Dunkin' Donuts, and he apologized for taking money from them. For some reason that was good enough for Kendra, and he took her to his bed immediately after his wife took off with a skater. And Mr. Multiples? Yes, that's Walter, too. I feel really dirty now.
Things are not going so well for OC. People keep hanging up on her -- I mean, people who aren't trying to get free phone sex. She makes like a banana and splits to meet Max and the Jam Ponies at the bar. They play foosball and talk about their days for awhile. It isn't very enlightening. They head back to the table where the boys are sitting, and OC tells them that she made no money at all because the office works on commission. She says that she even "laid off the flavor" and she still couldn't make a sale. Max opines that it's because she's not being herself. See? Didn't I tell you that the moral would be "be yourself"? Max gets up to buy the round, and as she heads to the bar she notices that the SAGS are at the same bar, buying the keg. She busts a move out the door and jumps on a truck that is speeding through the alley. For some reason, the SAGS can't catch her. I thought they were super fast; why can't they catch her? Whatever. One of the SAGS leaps off of a fire escape and onto the truck. Max manages to kick him in the head at the exact moment that the truck is braking, and the combined force slams the SAG onto a handy-dandy sharp pipe. Impalement is never pretty. Max looks a little aghast when she realizes he's dead. Just a little, though, because it's hard for a carved log to look aghast. The dying SAG asks her to help them live. She looks confused.
Max and Cap'n EO take the dead SAG to see Sebastian, the sort-of quadriplegic expert on biosynthetic technology. I really like Sebastian. His turtleneck sweaters, artsy hair, distance, bluntness, and detachment remind me of someone I would date. Like, I'd meet him at a party where he would be sitting by himself on a couch, looking aloof, smoking a cigarette and nursing a drink and interspersing snotty comments about the party guests into his regular rant about the fate of the music scene. Hmm. That's strange. I think I've become the man I want to date. Sebastian asks Max if she knows why the SAGS are after her. She sputters something about road rage. Sebastian chooses to rise above her tough-chick schtick and says no, it's because you're a biosynth. Probably Manticore, and judging from your age, an X5, one of the twelve who escaped. Max shoots Cap'n EO a you-fawking-blabbermouth look and asks Sebastian how he happens to know so much about them. Sebastian rolls his eyes and deadpans that he has a lot of time on his hands to research all the good conspiracy theories. Max asks him to spit out what he knows, so he explains that the SAGS handler told them that the Manticore genetic code could extend their lives. They want to create a new generation of super soldiers that can hold the implant for longer, and they most likely want to harvest her ova. Damn! I love him! Max gets all girl-power and pouts that being a girl is hard enough; she doesn't want to play mommy to a whole army of SAGS too. Sebastian thinks it would be great if she would donate her eggs to the cause, because they would make a real kick-ass soldier and then the South Africans wouldn't have to scavenge for soldiers from their prisons. Max is surprised that they are prisoners. I'm not sure why she's so surprised, but she is. Cap'n EO points out that they probably got their sentences commuted if they agreed to take the implants. Max wants to know how to fight them, but Sebastian says that she probably can't. Their implants are better than Manticore technology. Better, except for that pesky burnout problem. The Cap'n wants to know if the SAGS could remove the implants before they burn out. Sebastian says no, because the implants grow into the neural structure, and speaking of that, a surgeon in Sebastian's employ is digging around in the back of the dead SAG's neck. He finally extracts the implant, which looks like a jellyfish until it reforms into a little spikey thing. Looks like the wave in body jewelry, kids! Head to the mall now to be ahead of the trend.
Speaking of which, the RA is yelling at the SAGS for losing the implant. The SAG in charge points out that they lost a whole person, too, but his RA doesn't care, because in his paradigm the implant is a much more precious commodity than the person. I think that makes him a bad guy, right? The RA keeps yelling about how he is totally going to get expelled and then he'll never get into Wharton Business School if the SAGS keep messing up. The SAG in charge points out again that his frat brother died, but the RA says that they're all going to die if they don't get Max. The SAG wants proof that it's not too late. The RA threatens to rat him out to the crusty old dean if he doesn't shape up. The SAG bitch-slaps him, and the RA starts crying. The other frat brothers think about intervening, but then they forget what they were doing and go back to doing keg stands in the basement. The RA blubbers that the SAG should just kill him, 'cause that's all he's good for. Well, that, and he's A-one at rushing new pledges. The RA suggests that they'd better go find Max. And the best way to get to Max is through OC.
Speaking of OC, she's the last one in the office. Foreshadowing asks for a second cup of coffee while OC gives up on holding back the flavor and sets out to sell some insurance. Look at her go! See, being yourself is the only way to be. Foreshadowing and I put "Free to Be You and Me" on the turntable. OC is about to close the deal when Foreshadowing elbows me in the ribs and tells me to look at the TV, 'cause the SAGS are busting into the abandoned office. See, girls? Don't stay at work late, because bad men will try to track down your genetically-enhanced friend by using you as bait so they can harvest her ova and raise a super army. Just go home early and watch some Animal Planet. Tell your bosses! I'm sure they'll see the logic. But here's a question: OC has an open phone line when the men burst into the room with guns drawn. Why doesn't she tell the guy on the line to call 911? Why? Why? Errr…
Max and the Cap'n are back at the Halls of Justice, and the Cap'n wants to know how the SAGS knew Max was at the bar. She has no idea, which the Cap'n points out is a problem. Max stoops down to pick up a piece of broken glass, which is detritus from the Cap'n's attempt to walk. Max asks if he's had any improvement since the transfusion, and he bitches that if he had, she would be the first to know. Max rolls her eyes and is about to kick the Cap'n and his wheelchair down the hall when she gets paged. It's OC. The SAGS are holding her at gunpoint. She asks Max to come meet her for drinks. Max begs off, but OC says that she really wants Max to come down and meet her new boyfriend. Max figures out that something's up and rushes out the door. She heads to Sebastian's lab, because she knows that there's no way she can beat the SAGS without the implant. Sebastian points out that using the implant could be a really, really bad idea. But you can tell he sort of wants her to use it. Scientific curiosity and whatnot. Max tells him she has no choice, jams the implant into her neck, flails about for awhile, and flies out the door.
Sebastian ratted on Max to Cap'n EO. The Cap'n rushes over to Sebastian's lab so they can discuss a plan of action. Sebastian is explaining that putting the implant into Manticore technology is like supercharging a supercharger. Whatever that means, the point is that Max is in danger, and that the Cap'n being paraplegic to Sebastian's quadriplegic is the one who has to go save her. He has to short-circuit the implant with Sebastian's defibrillator. I love a man who carries his own defibrillator -- how handy! Cap'n EO can't believe that Sebastian wants him to knock five thousand volts into Max's noggin. Sebastian is all, fool, do what I say! Damn, I love that man.
Back at the office, the RA, who came along with the SAGS to make sure they didn't mess up again, figures out that OC somehow tipped Max off. So he's going to kill her. But in the two seconds before he can pull the trigger, Max crashes through the window. I guess the door was just too obvious. Max is crouching on the ground, waiting for her cue. She whips her head up so the SAGS can see that she has blood gushing out of her eyes, which is the universal sign that she has the implant. OC, who still doesn't know that Max is not-so-much human, is a bit confused by this inexplicable make-up application, but brushes it off as the latest urban fashion craze. But her confusion continues when the SAGS circle around Max and start beating the crap out of her. And then she gets even more confused when Max throws the men off of her and yells, "That's the last time you spike my root beer with roofies, you damn Greeks!" As she's beating the RA to a pulp, she yells at OC to get out. OC is more than happy to comply as Max busts out some action-y action and blurts out her tag line, "That all you got?" She's one tough cookie.
As Max and the SAGS play piñata party with each other, Cap'n EO shows up on the scene to save the day. He falls out of his chair, though, and, oh, you can just cut the tension with a knife. A plastic non-serrated butter knife, anyway. More action-y action. Someone blows up a desk, and Max and the SAGS all get blown to the various corners of the room. Max gets cornered by the RA, who pulls a gun and starts doing that I'm-going-to-tell-you-everything-before-I-kill-you thing. Seems that he never wanted to find Max in order to help the SAGS; he just wanted to find her for the bounty on her head. The SAGS were expendable, scum-of-the-earth types to him. He wasn't the SAGS' friend at all. What a bad, bad man! It was hard to tell how bad he was, because he didn't smoke or wear a lot of black or any of those other things bad men do. The Cap'n finally gets his plan going and turns the lights out. He yells at Max to move, and she quickly complies. The RA starts shooting blindly in the dark, but the SAG in charge has had enough of his RA's lack of team playing and decides to go at him with the axe that landed in his lap when the desk exploded. The RA shoots him five, six times in the chest, but the SAG manages to plant the axe in the RA's chest anyway. Problem solved! The SAG in charge mutters his last words, which are, no regrets. That must have been the club motto. Moving on.
The Cap'n has crawled over to Max and is talking to Sebastian on the cell phone. A light shines down on them -- it's OC. The Cap'n orders her to go get the defibrillator. Sebastian wants to know if there is blood in Max's eyes, which there is. Before they can do anything, Max starts seizing, which is a bad sign. Sebastian says they have to hurry and neutralize the implant. He tells the Cap'n that he must make contact between the implant and the defibrillator. He has to use a knife and cut into Max's neck and then use the knife as a conductor. The Cap'n is skeeved, but he does it. They shock Max's head, and she's fixed. But -- come on, writers, only one shock with the defibrillator? Even on ER it usually takes two or three shocks, and they're just shocking garden-variety hearts, not super high-tech sprouting implants. Whatever.
OC, Max, and Cap'n EO are back at the Halls of Justice, where Max is sleeping off her implant defibrillation and OC and the Cap'n are having coffee. Max wakes up, and she and Cap'n EO talk about what Max should do. She wants to turn herself into Manticore before someone else gets hurt. Max? Duh. Cap'n EO rolls over her toes twice and tells her to shut. Up. Max decides to out herself as biosynth technology instead, so she heads into the kitchen to talk to OC. They talk. They cry. They hug. It's all good. Here's a question -- OC never saw Max's barcode tattoo before? Whatever. OC heads back to JamPony to get her job back. Foreshadowing packs his hat, scarf, and anvil and heads over to Sars's house to help her write her Dawson'srecaps.
Oh yeah, Cap'n EO stood up on his own two legs, and he and Max share a non-moment, don't kiss, have annoying proto-banter, and ride around on her motorcycle.