Welcome to Season 18! Maks is back! Harold Wheeler is gone. BROOKE IS GONE! The jury is out on Erin Andrews, but I'm not sorry to see Brooke go except that I never had to recap her segments because they were so useless. We open with the traditional huge dance number, but this one adds in a live performance by Jason Derulo and his back-up dancers. I kind of just want to see the pros dancing together?
Okay, so they still have a full band? So why get rid of Harold Wheeler? I mean, I'm not complaining because Harold Wheeler's band was great with orchestral songs, but they were terrible at pop songs and even ruined a few performances. The couples are introduced and I have done nothing to learn about the contestants this season except read the press release announcing the contestants, so I'm coming in pretty cold. So far Erin seems to be sharing a lot more of the hosting duties with Tom; I like her but her voice is a little… grating?
First up is Real Housewife Nene Leakes, who is partnered with Tony. I don't know much about her except that she's one of the few Real Housewives I actually have heard of, so I guess she's doing something right. Although that also puts her in the company of Bethenny Frankel so there's that. In their clip package, Nene has a lot of sass and is not afraid of Tony, for sure.
They are dancing the cha cha cha. Nene's dress is TERRIBLE. It's like a white lace with fringe but it's not at all flattering to her statuesque figure. Okay, so her frame and posture are awful. She's just floppy through the middle and needs to put her shoulders back and stand up tall. She's got good rhythm and musicality, and I think she has plenty of personality but she affects this giant fake open-mouthed smile that I find off-putting. She has potential, but ballroom is going to be a problem if she doesn't work on her posture.
Judges? Len tells her that she got the party started right, although she needs more pressure through her feet. Bruno thinks Nene has more to give, and has great energy, although she could work on her leg placement. Carrie Ann first needs to find out if Nene is crying (she is) and then tells her that she has great personality, but she needs to dance bigger to match both her stature and her personality. Scores: Carrie Ann 7, Len 7, and Bruno 7. Very fair for the first week. I'm going to continue to skip the post-dance interviews unless something interesting happens.
up is James Maslow from Big Time Rush. I had to Google what all that meant. I thought it was a boy band and I felt like Nickelodeon was involved, and it turns out I was right on both counts! I would have been all kind of into that as a tween but now I'm old. Anyway, he's partnered with Peta and the awkward thing is that they went on a date before they found out they were paired, and then James went on tour and never called. Yikes. It is STRONGLY implied that they slept together. Now the audience is going to hate him. Well, except the ones who already loved him. INTRIGUE.
James and Peta are dancing the foxtrot. Well, his posture is great and he's got great extension, but his feet are not great. He's not pointing his toes when he should and he's a little pigeon-toed. He's better than I expected, though, and he IS really handsome. And they do have chemistry. If he focuses on technique, he could get a lot better. We'll see how seriously he takes this.
Judges? Bruno liked his effort and sometimes grace, but thinks he needs to make it look a little more effortless and have more precise footwork. Carrie Ann thinks James is really cute and elegant, and he needs to hold his center and frame. Len jokes that he and James are both eye candy, and then says that James needs to work on footwork and frame, but he did a good job selling the dance. Scores: Carrie Ann 7, Len 7, and Bruno 7. Agreed.
I'm predisposed to love Danica McKellar from Wonder Years because I loved that show and I love her campaign to make it cool for girls to be smart and like math. She seems like a former child star who has her shit together, and I dig that, for showing that it's possible. Anyway, she is partnered with Val, and she hopes to do what others have done before her and change from a girl to a woman in the public eye.
Danica and Val are dancing the foxtrot. She's got great arms, very graceful or strong as needed, and she's a wonderful performer. There's something off about the routine, though, and I can't put my finger on it. Maybe she's not finishing her moves? I don't know. I'm sure the judges will. She could go far, though, if she can get a fanbase behind her.
Judges? Carrie Ann thinks she's adorable and enthusiastic, but she needs to be careful with her shoulders. Len thinks she's gripping Val too tight with her left hand which is raising her shoulder, but his first impression was terrific. Bruno thought she acted and sold the dance well, but she shouldn't throw away her moves just because she's involved in the emotion of the dance. Scores: Carrie Ann 8, Len 8, and Bruno 8. Once again, I agree. Danica is super excited and cute, at least now. It could get irritating.
Sean Avery is apparently the bad boy of hockey, and he's partnered with Karina. Again, I know nothing about him but from what I've read, he seems like a poor sport with bad judgment, but I do have to admire his willingness to speak out in favor of marriage equality. So I'll give him a chance, although his rehearsal footage is not super promising.
Sean and Karina have contemporary. Ooh, he squats like a goalie. He's sticking his butt way out. Karina tried really hard to choreograph something that would take the focus off his non-dancing, and she did well to highlight his strength and athleticism, but there was very little grace in that routine.
Judges? Len thought it was intense, with terrific lifts, but it needed more finesse. Bruno is surprised because Sean was powerful and committed, but he needed to link the moves together better. Carrie Ann is fascinated by him, because he was authentic, but he has to learn how to point his toes. Scores: Carrie Ann 7, Len 6, and Bruno 7. Len jokes that he's going to need security.
Billy Dee! Lando! He's partnered with Emma and of course, they are dancing to the Star Wars theme. He's seventy-seven years old! He has arthritis! I don't know why I can't stop using exclamation points!
They're doing the cha cha cha. OMG, there are stormtroopers and R2 and Emma is dressed in Leia's gold metal bikini. Now I have to save this recording to show my kids. Oh, but sadly all of the flash doesn't distract from the fact that Billy Dee is not so great at walking, much less dancing. I mean, bless him, but it's hard to watch. He's just stiff and looks confused.
Judges? Bruno tells him that he played it safe and danced too small and stiff when he should have been big. Carrie Ann says that he's relaxed, and they love his smile, but they need more dancing. Len says that he didn't forget steps and he entertained them, and given his age and health, he did a good job. The judges are struggling to find ways to stay positive. Scores: Carrie Ann 5, Len 5, and Bruno 5. Ouch. I mean, deserved, but ouch.
Meryl Davis is half of the medal-winning US ice dancing couple, and she's partnered with Maks. I feel like Maks only came back if he could have a ringer, and he sure as hell got one. I'm not usually a big complainer about ringers, because I feel like other dance experience doesn't always translate well to the ballroom, but this seems a little lame. Then again, that may backfire with voters.
Maks and Meryl have the cha cha cha, and as anticipated, she's practically a pro in her first week. This just feels unfair. The only critique I can come up with is that she's a little choppy in her movements, but man, that was a fast and content-filled routine.
Judges? People are screaming so loud that you can't hear Carrie Ann. No great loss. Len thought it was amazing, and Bruno loved the precision and lyricism of her arms, but cautions her to watch the backs of her legs. Scores: Carrie Ann 8, Len 8, and Bruno 8.
Candace Cameron Bure (DJ from Full House, sister of my childhood crush turned object of revulsion Kirk Cameron) is partnered with Mark. Candace promises that she will remain more modest in her costuming and dance moves, because she's a religious mom of three. One of her daughters speaks up and how in the hell is she old enough to have a tween/teen daughter? God, I'm ancient. Anyway, she feels competitive with Danica, and she wants to inspire her kids to try anything.
Candace and Mark are dancing contemporary. They start out with some really cool floorwork shot from above, where they are sliding around and shifting positions to make new shapes. Candace is so strong with her movement, so sharp and sure. I think she must have some cheerleading in her past. And I don't know what she's talking about being jealous of Danica because her body is amazing. That was one of my favorite routines of the night.
Judges? Len tells her that she can dance, and it was well done. Bruno loved the drama and how she used the floor. Carrie Ann asks where she came from, and says she looked like a pro. Scores: Carrie Ann 9, Len 8, and Bruno 8. Erin reveals that Jeremy Miller (Ben from Growing Pains and yes, I knew that without looking it up) dumped Candace to date Danica back in the day. Ugly little Ben was getting some major tail back in the day.
Hey, it's another young dude that I don't know! Cody Simpson, a musician from Australia. He's partnered with former troupe member Witney, who sure has a lot of questions about whether or not he has a girlfriend. He's a tall drink of water, which could be both good and band.
Witney and Cody are dancing the cha cha cha. Well, he can move and perform, but his technique is lacking. That's actually a good thing. Technique can be learned, but a sense of rhythm really can't. I just don't know if Witney is experienced enough to get him where he needs to be quickly enough. That said, he doesn't forget a move, he really sells it, and he's fun to watch. Except his droopy crotch Bieber pants. Those have got to go.
Judges? Bruno thinks they are the poster couple for the energy of youth, which is true, but Cody needs to watch his basic footwork. Carrie Ann says he makes her feel old, but he needs to work on his lower half. Len liked his energy and attack, and tells him to work on his technique. Scores: Carrie Ann 7, Len 7, and Bruno 8. Erin tries to work the "Cody's girlfriend must be pissed" angle but they both blow it off.
Drew Carey is now the host of the Price Is Right. I don't like him in that role; he just doesn't seem to care enough. Also, I can't get used to skinny Drew Carey. I guess I'll have to, though. He is partnered with Cheryl, the lucky dog. I do remember him being light on his feet from the musical numbers they used to do on his old sitcom. Drew says he's not used to having to be precise because his career has been a lot of improve and freeform, so he's struggling.
They are dancing the foxtrot with a Monopoly theme. Drew is dressed up in a tux and the dance floor looks like the Monopoly board. It's cute. Anyway, Drew is a way better dancer than I anticipated, if a bit careful. But his footwork and posture are both really good. Now he just needs to learn to let go and feel the music, but that's more difficult in ballroom, I think. Plus it's the first week. He could be a dark horse.
Judges? Carrie Ann thinks that Drew will be the crowd-pleaser, because he's fun with easy style. Len thought it was watchable and good fun. Bruno enjoyed the style and the content, and his comedy didn't override the content. Scores: Carrie Ann 7, Len 7, and Bruno 7. I thought it could have been a point or two higher.
Amy Purdy is a Paralympics snowboarder, partnered with Derek. She has two prosthetic legs, as she contracted bacterial meningitis and had to have them amputated at the knee. Derek is understandably a little anxious about what she can physically do, but she's game to try anything.
Amy and Derek are dancing the cha cha cha. This is weird, because you can't really fairly judge her foot placement, since she doesn't have any control over it. And yet, the cameras keep zooming in on her prosthetics; I hope if she continues, that doesn't. Anyway, her hip action is awesome and Derek does a great job choreographing to her strengths. And she seems like she's having fun. If you showed her from the knees up, I don't think you'd ever know, which is probably what she's hoping for.
Judges? Len says that they won't judge her any differently than any other star, but then he says that she got a gold medal from them tonight. Bruno calls her Wonder Woman, and loved her timing and shapes and performance level. Carrie Ann is in shock as well as crying and calls her "a beacon of light in this world." Erin talks to Amy about how she competed on Friday in Sochi and she's here dancing tonight, which is pretty amazing. Scores: Carrie Ann 8, Len 8, and Bruno 8. You know what I kind of love about Amy? Everyone else is all, "You are SUCH an inspiration" and she just seems very matter-of-fact.
Diana Nyad is a lady who swims really long distances. She is stronger than you. She swam from Florida to Cuba. She's also a DWTS superfan, and she's partnered with new pro Henry. She's hoping her persistence serves her well.
Diana and Henry have the foxtrot. She's this season's designated older lady. In any other season she would probably make it through a few weeks because she's not terrible. She has an elegance, but her posture is not great. She's having a blast, though. I just don't think she'll have the fan base or the scores to push her through.
Judges? Bruno says that she didn't do badly with performance, but she needs to find her footing and link her movements. Carrie Ann enjoyed watching her get more and more comfortable as the routine went on, and she needs to work on her footwork. Len enjoyed her determination, but she needs finesse. Scores: Carrie Ann 6, Len 6, and Bruno 6. That was generous. Diana says that it's not how you start, it's how you finish.
Now we have the other half of the ice dancing couple, Charlie White, who's dancing with Sharna. Charlie knows that there are high expectations and he hopes he can meet them.
Charlie and Sharna are dancing contemporary. Of course, he's like a professional. I kind of want Charlie and Meryl eliminated from the competition. Anyway, I don't know how much being good at contemporary predicts being good at ballroom or Latin, so we shall see, but he was very good.
Judges? Carrie Ann cackles and says that they're poetry in motion. Len thinks it was a good dance for him for his first week, but he'll be interested to see how he does week. Bruno thinks Charlie is an artist with great attention to detail and he's set a high standard. Scores: Carrie Ann 9, Len 9, and Bruno 9. Good God.
Tom announces that the stars got to choose the style of dance for week. Some of the stars seem surprised by what they chose, especially Candace, who chose the rumba? Because she's conservative and doesn't want to look sexy? That's interesting. Anyway, here are your scores:
Charlie and Sharna: 27
Candace and Mark: 25
Danica and Val: 24
Meryl and Maks: 24
Amy and Derek: 24
Cody and Witney: 22
Nene and Tony: 21
James and Peta: 21
Drew and Cheryl: 21
Sean and Karina: 20
Diana and Henry: 18
Billy Dee and Emma: 15