I feel like every season, I am less and less prepared for this show to start. I realized, like, yesterday that the season was starting tonight. And I could probably only name about half of this season's contestants. I guess that puts me on par with (what remains of) the viewing audience, right? Let's go.
The opening number is quite elaborate. It starts outside the studio and is a continuous shot all the way nearly to the stage. I spend a lot of time being confused and going, "Is that…Snooki? Why does she look Latina? Ooh, Bill Nye just took a hair extension whip to the face." It's also interesting to me to see which celebrities try to dance in the opening number and which ones just walk (or in Leah Remini's case, sit there). My husband asks me for early favorites and other than Corbin Bleu, it's kind of anyone's game. And he might get a backlash for being a ringer, so who knows? Also Valerie Harper has brain cancer, which is going to present it's own set of judging/voting difficulties which I will elaborate on when she actually dances.
The first couple to meet and rehearse is Peta and Brant Daugherty from Pretty Little Liars. They flirt. He seems to have a sense of humor about himself. They're doing a pre-dance interview with Tom, which I don't like. It seems unnecessary. Then again, I think the post-dance interviews are fairly unnecessary other than serving as filler until the judges' scores are ready. They are doing the cha cha cha to "Blurred Lines." I know right away that Len's going to say that there's not enough cha cha cha. Brant has good hip action and he doesn't miss a step, but his posture is terrible and he needs to project his charisma more. That's what's going to keep him in this competition. I've seen waaaaaay worse in week one, though.
Judges? They've moved the judges to the other side of the floor. I'm so disoriented. Len thought it was fabulous. Bruno is seated to the waiting couples (what happened to the aquarium?) and he can't help but touch some of the guys. Anyway, he thought the dance was hot and steamy, although Brant lost timing a bit. Carrie Ann sees a lot of potential. Ooh, we get the scores right way. I wasn't ready! They're changing things! Scores: Carrie Ann 7, Len 8, Bruno 7. Nice start.
Brooke interviews Snooki and Leah. Snooki wants us to call her Nicole because she's a mom now. I don't think that I can do that. Leah jokes that she's ready to leave.
The couple to meet is Leah and Tony. Leah is worried that she'll be terrible but Tony assures her that she'll do well, and he praises her work ethic and how quickly she picks up the dances. Look, I loved Leah even before she left Scientology, and now I love her even more. I can't pretend to be unbiased. They are dancing the foxtrot, and Leah's personality definitely comes through. In spades. Her hands and legs look graceful and she doesn't seem to miss a step (much) but her posture also needs a lot of work.
Judges? Bruno asks if she's sure she's never danced before, and she vows that she hasn't. Carrie Ann calls her "sass and class" which is a perfect description. Len thought it was a little careful in places (true) although it was clean and precise, and she did a terrific job. Scores: Carrie Ann 7, Len 7, and Bruno 7. Totally fair.
Brooke meets up with Corbin and Karina in the "warm up room" and basically asks, "Aren't you a ringer?" Corbin admits that contemporary (which they have tonight) is in his wheelhouse but anything with a framework (like the jive) is challenging him. I'm glad he didn't try to deny that he has an advantage coming in.
Tom talks to Valerie and Tristan quickly about her challenges and she laughs that overcoming a strained knee is harder than dealing with her cancer. Oof, this is going to be a tough one.
Corbin and Karina meet up and Karina confesses that they have to do contemporary, and she's never done contemporary. They get along well in rehearsals, and are both willing to try crazy stunts. Anyway, they start their dance and if I were one of the other celebrities this season, I'd be pissed. You guys, he's pretty much a pro. Other than being a little shaky on the one big lift they do, I don't see any flaws. I'm kind of mad for all of the other contestants.
Judges? Karina was so nervous that Corbin has to comfort her. Carrie Ann says that it was passionate and beautiful. Len is confused whether or not this is week one, because that was so good. Bruno thinks Corbin is strong and powerful but has a tender touch. Scores: Carrie Ann 8, Len 8, and Bruno 8. If this were a few weeks later, they would be getting 9s.
Hey, I did not spend one second between seasons wondering about the troupe. There they are.
Karina talks to Jack Osbourne and Cheryl. Jack says that his sister Kelly is a far better dancer than he is, but he's not terrible. But he has been really nervous all day. Jack interviews that he's doing the show to raise awareness of MS, which he was diagnosed with a few years ago. He admits that he's had numbness in his legs and he hopes that doesn't return. He add that there's a huge stigma about MS, and I had to admit that I was surprised to hear he was doing the show. I always liked Jack on The Osbournes and he seems to have matured into a nice guy. Or he's good at faking it.
Jack and Cheryl have the foxtrot. Jack is really light on his feet but he needs to relax a little bit. He's very stiff and his facial expression is scaring me. It's like that smile you get when you've smiled too long and your mouth is dry and your lips are stuck to your teeth. He doesn't miss a step and he's very charming. He's not great; he's got work to do. But he's better than I expected.
Judges? Len is also surprised to see that Jack can dance, and he had good footwork and posture. Bruno thought it was joyful and playful, but he needs to watch his turns. Carrie Ann is blown away by his footwork, and says that it must be in the genes. Scores: Carrie Ann 8, Len 8, and Bruno 7. Wow, that's a little high.
Tom talks to Amber Riley from Glee. She jokes that she was nervous about the interviews because she doesn't trust Tom, but she's wanted to do ballroom dancing forever. Amber was psyched to see that she got Derek for her partner. They get along well in rehearsal, and Amber interviews that she's not a small girl but she hopes she can inspire other young girls to get up and dance. They have the cha cha cha. Amber is great. She has charisma and performance skills like whoa. I could watch her all night. Her technical skills are good although it seems like she's not moving as much as she could. They don't cover much of the floor.
Judges? Bruno calls her a tigress. The audience is going nuts. Carrie Ann calls her a superstar and bows to her. Len can't believe she came out and danced like that in the first week. Scores: Carrie Ann 9, Len 9, and Bruno 9. Whoa. I can't believe she got higher scores than Corbin. Her Glee castmates are in the audience going crazy for her.
up is Elizabeth Berkeley (Married Name), who is partnered with Val. She stands like a ballerina. She must have a dance background. I'm just going to get this out of the way now, so if they don't do at least one routine to "I'm So Excited," they are missing an opportunity. They have contemporary first. Elizabeth explains that she's a new mom and she's excited to reconnect with dance, which was her first love. She's a few inches taller than Val. That could be interesting. Her dancing is very pretty. She's got great lines and extension. She might struggle with the Latin dances, but she is going to do a great waltz, for sure.
Judges? Carrie Ann says that was amazing and she was like a passionate angel. Len thought it was lovely and had lots of different volumes. Bruno thought it was a great piece of dance, and advises to her to extend even more. Scores: Carrie Ann 8, Len 8, and Bruno 8. Then they show footage of Val confessing that he used to have a crush on "the other one" on Saved by the Bell, Kelly Kapowski. Elizabeth is really gracious about it, but Val continues to step in it.
up is Bill Nye, you know, the Science Guy. His partner is a new pro, Tyne. Bill shows Tyne that he knows how to swing dance, but this week, they have the cha cha. Bill can't stop talking to the camera and lecturing her about science. This girl looks like she might have skipped a few physics labs, if you know what I'm saying. But they are cute together. They dance to "Weird Science" and do a whole geek creates hot lady thing. Bill is…not that good. I mean, he doesn't miss a step and he does a little acting but he's very stiff and awkward. He actually reminds me of Andy Dick in his dance style. The audience loves him.
Judges? Len says it was painful to watch, and Bill is willing but not quite able. Bruno thinks the formula isn't working, and it didn't gel. Carrie Ann thinks Bill is the kind of contestant that the show's all about, because he was out there having fun, even if he does need to work on hip action and footwork. Scores: Carrie Ann 5, Len 4, and Bruno 5. Oof. It wasn't quite THAT bad. Maybe they are trying to get people to vote for him.
Keyshawn Johnson, former NFL player and current ESPN analyst, is partnered with Sharna. They tease each other in rehearsal; I'm not totally convinced that they like one another. They have the cha cha cha. Keyshawn is not doing a whole lot of actual dancing. It's mostly him standing still while Sharna dances her and he throws her around and then he does some hip thrusts. He's got rhythm but it feels like he's underrehearsed. He could improve, though.
Judges? Bruno tells him that he's got the moves but he needs to work on timing. Carrie Ann thought the beginning was a little stiff, but he gained confidence. Len likes Keyshawn's attitude, but he needs to work on technique a bit. Scores: Carrie Ann 6, Len 5, and Bruno 6. You know, in most seasons, he would be in the top five easily.
Christina Milian is partnered with Mark, and they have contemporary. She finds Mark's choreography as unusual. Try hacky and corny. All of Mark's contemporary routines feel like a dance rendition of the Twilight movies. Anyway, Christina is very good. I still don't really like that they're doing contemporary on this show and I don't know what to look for. I mean, she seemed to hit all the steps? And there was passion?
Judges? Carrie Ann says that Christina is a better dancer than she even knows, and she needs to open up and connect with the audience. Len thought the dance suited her, but he wants her to be less careful. Bruno loved the drama and intensity, but he advises her to watch her hands. Scores: Carrie Ann 7, Len 7, and Bruno 8. I thought it was better than that, but like I said, I don't know how to judge this.
Bill Engvall is a Blue Collar comedian, and he's partnered with new pro Emma. I know this guy because when I'm at my dad's, and he's flipping through the channels, he ALWAYS stops when this guy's on. He's not my cup of tea, humor-wise, but I know people like him. And by people, I mean my dad. They have the foxtrot. You know what? He's not terrible. He's light on his feet, and he he's actually kind of graceful and has decent posture. He seems to miss a few steps in there, and he really needs to change up his terrible facial expressions, but he was way better than I anticipated.
Judges? Len says he did great for week one, because he gave it a lot of "wellie" and now needs to work on technique. Bruno could sense a hint of sophistication and elegance and if he digs deep, he could show it week. Carrie Ann was happily surprised like me, but he needs to work on his fluidity. Scores: Carrie Ann 6, Len 6, and Bruno 6.
Valeria Harper is partnered with Tristan. Poor Tristan. He always gets the older ladies. Okay, let's get into it. Valerie Harper was diagnosed with brain cancer earlier this year, and it's terminal. She was told she has three months. She has the best attitude I've heard; she thought, "Why me?" and then she realized, "Why not me?" because she's 73 and she's had a good life so now her goal is to get out there and attack it. So now it's eight or nine months later and she's ready to dance. I love her, but I feel for the judges. How do you even score her? What if she's not that good? I kind of wish she could just do this in exhibition mode because can you imagine the night she gets eliminated? Or what if she wins? This just feels wrong. Her dance is quite pretty, and she is just having a blast out there, with a huge smile on her face the whole time. The audience gives her a standing ovation.
Judges? Bruno is choked up and calls her a national treasure and an inspiration. He says she's light on her feet but she needs to work on her frame and balance. Carrie Ann is still crying and thanks Valerie for being on the show, and for her courage. Len thought it was gentle and understated with an ease and an elegance, and he compliments Tristan's choreography. Scores: Carrie Ann 7, Len 7, and Bruno 7. That's fair. She deserved that. I kind of hope she'll drop out due to her knee in like two weeks though. And then come back and do a dance at the finale.
And the final couple, Snooki and Sasha, are ready to dance. First, we get to see their rehearsal and Snooki explains that everyone thinks she's a hot mess, because she admits that she was. But now that she's a mom, she's straightened up and she's ready to dance. And then she totally biffs it in rehearsal. I laughed. Anyway, their cha cha shows off Snooki's new figure, and she has attitude to fill the room. She's really good at shaking her ass; she needs to work on the technique a bit more. And then it kind of just ends with them walking off the floor with their arms around each other? It seemed like she gave up about three-quarters of the way through. It's promising, but that wasn't fantastic.
Judges? Carrie Ann was impressed, and says that her form was great and she totally went for it. Len liked that it was fast and she had good footwork. Len's speech gets interrupted when he calls her a Pocket Wocket and Carrie Ann thinks he says Pocket Rocket like the vibrator and no one can say vibrator so they all sit there giggling. Bruno loved the attack and the leg placement. Scores: Carrie Ann 8, Len 8, and Bruno 7. Fair.
Okay, so who will go home week? Gosh, that's tough. Bill Nye apparently has this huge Gen Y fanbase based on the studio audience. Athletes usually do well. The olds will like Bill Engvall. No way they're sending Valerie home in week one. Maybe Leah or Christina? Or Brant? Gosh, this is tough. We will find out week! Here are your scores:
Amber and Derek: 27
Corbin and Karina: 24
Elizabeth and Val: 24
Jack and Cheryl: 23
Snooki and Sasha: 23
Brant and Peta: 22
Christina and Mark: 22
Leah and Tony: 21
Valerie and Tristan: 21
Bill Engvall and Emma: 18
Keyshawn and Sharna: 17
Bill Nye and Tyne: 14