I would just like to state that after I submitted my weecap last night and went to bed, I realized that the combination of Mark Ballas and a stripper pole was crying out for a Magic Mark joke, and I failed to deliver. For that, I am most heartily sorry.
We open with a routine by all the pros. Haven't we...seen this routine before? The music is really familiar. The pros leave the floor and the troupe takes over, with a few pros added in for good measure. All of the previously-eliminated contestants do a short bit and DL Hughley jumps off the judges' table and nearly breaks something. And finally, the four finalists each get a quick solo. Finally, everyone is out on the floor together. I will say that most of the eliminated contestants look like they are having a great time. And the routine was choreographed by Lacey.
After reviewing the leaderboard (Zendaya and Val 65, Kellie and Derek 64, Aly and Mark 60, and Jacoby and Karina 56), we see a clip package of last night's routines.
The encore dance is Kellie and Derek's freestyle. It's just as beautiful tonight, but it's a bit ruined in my neck of the woods by all the thunderstorm warning graphics on the screen. Also, Kellie biffs a move toward the end, but they cover well. I feel a little bit bad for Kellie; she might lose to Zendaya, but if she were on nearly any other season, she would win.
The judges tell us what they thought of the finale. Aly was fearless and used her newfound strength. Kellie's freestyle was beautiful and caused Carrie Ann to weep. Zendaya has a huge amount of talent and a huge presence. Jacoby's freestyle production overshadowed him, but Len loves his razzamatazz. Carrie Ann thinks that anyone can take it. I don't think Jacoby's got a shot, but that's fine. He's not the best dancer.
Tom announces that the votes from ABC.com will not be counted because the website went down during and just after the east coast airing of the show. They're only going to count the votes from Facebook, phones, and text messages. I wonder what the percentages are for each of those venues. The show will probably never tell, but I would be curious.
Anyway, it's time to reveal who will end up in fourth place. I'm surprised that it's Aly and Mark. I guess Jacoby just has a huge fanbase. I don't think Aly and Mark were ever in the bottom two this season, were they? They probably were. Let me go look it up on Wikipedia while they talk to them. Well, they didn't as far as we know - some weeks, they didn't reveal the bottom two. Maybe Aly's voters were used to voting on the website.
Now there's a dance number featuring all of the female pros and the three female finalists. Man, Aly has to go out and dance right after being eliminated. Granted, their segment is really just shaking it like Beyonce for a minute, but still. Zendaya looks amazing. Her legs are about five miles long each. And the female pros rule, as usual. I do enjoy watching Kym try to dance hip hop though. Not her strong suit.
Time to review the season week by week and then bring back the person eliminated that week for one more encore. I totally forgot Wynonna was on this season. I thought she was on a season. Dorothy had to withdraw due to injury, and then Wynonna was eliminated. Wynonna has decided to sing instead, which is probably a great choice. She's singing "I Wanna Know What Love Is" by Foreigner while Tony and Peta dance. I always thought Wynonna had a beautiful voice but she didn't bring it tonight. She's putting a lot of emotion into the song, but her voice is lacking. Tony gives her a big hug at the end.
Continuing the parade of eliminated contestants is Lisa Vanderpump and Gleb with their foxtrot. Before the dance, they replay the clip where Lisa said that she likes older men like Len better than younger men like her partner. This will be important in a moment. Maybe I'm just stubborn but if I were eliminated and I knew I had to come back and dance again, I would rehearse a LOT and get really good so people would be like, "Man, she should have gone further!" I say that form the comfort of my couch; in reality, I would show up the day before having forgotten all the steps. Anyway, Gleb and Lisa dance and then Len comes down and steps in and dances with her a bit. I wish he had danced more; we didn't really get to see what Len can do!
I guess Dorothy will be dancing after all, but Tristan is injured so he can't dance now? What happened to Tristan? I need information! Anyway, Dorothy is dancing with Henry from the troupe, but Tristan choreographed it. Dorothy explains beforehand that she was inspired to join the show when she was recovering from breast cancer and saw Kristi Yamaguchi dance. So Dorothy does the first half of her routine and then a light comes on to reveal Kristi on the floor with Sasha. I actually got goosebumps! That was so sweet.
Sharna and Andy Dick do a little skit about how they get to dance again, and I think Sharna is actually a better actor than Andy. She's more subdued, anyway. Andy reprises his "Poker Face" Mad Hatter dance, but this time they're joined by the troupe, which does make it seem better. I thought he would do something more sentimental.
Jacoby and Karina are backstage prepping their instant dance, which is a salsa. Brooke reveals that Karina's got a sore hip, but Jacoby says that she's a soldier and she'll give it her all. Brooke then asks if Jacoby is surprised to be there after being at the bottom, score-wise, and Jacoby busts out an Oprah Color Purple reference: "All my life, I had to fight." He cracks me up.
Then PSY whatever. Do we still have to pretend to think he's not a one-hit wonder?
Kellie and Derek have the jive for their instant dance. Brooke asks if they are a fan of this instant dance, and Kellie and Derek are clearly not, but they are extremely diplomatic.
After some more review of the season, the troupe comes out for another number. My feelings on the troupe are fairly well known, so I'll just sum it up thusly: Yawn.
Brooke checks in with Val and Zendaya backstage, and Val reveals that he had to get fourteen stitches in the cut near his eye. OUCH. Anyway, they have the jive, and it doesn't really seem fair that two couples have the same style.
How about another performance that's not by one of the finalists? No? Too bad. Pitbull is here in his usual white suit and grandma Terminator Blublock sunglasses to sing for us. You guys, I must admit that I fast-forwarded. I've got to get this thing done before my power goes out, and there are storms all over the place in my neck of the woods. The lights keep dimming.
Finally, some dancing by the finalists! Jacoby and Karina are up first with their salsa. They show some clips from rehearsals, and Jacoby just looks exhausted. I think he's mentally checked out. Anyway, their salsa looks great, although Jacoby's toes are still turned in. Better than I expected, honestly. Unfortunately, the cameraman gets in the way of their final move, where Jacoby jumps into Karina's head and she does a dead drop on his crotch. If it sounds weird, it looks weird too, even when executed perfectly. I've never understood the point of that move.
Judges? Before they can hear their results, Jacoby and Karina do their final move again to show that they can really do it. Len says that Jacoby is a breath of fresh air who always brings the unexpected. Bruno loves Jacoby's charisma and showmanship. Carrie Ann thinks Jacoby has proven why he's still there, and that was the dance of a champion. Scores: Carrie Ann 10, Len 10, and Bruno 10. I forgot that the judges pretty much always give perfect scores on the second night so that their scores don't make a difference, which renders this whole Instant Dance thing pointless. Prove me wrong, judges!
In rehearsals, Derek taught Kellie their routine but warned her that they might need to change the order once they hear the music. Derek seems like he's in denial that this is their last dance; he talks about how they have so many cool moves that they couldn't fit into the routine and they'll have to do them time they dance. Anyway, their jive is a delight. Quick and fun, and they really seem like they're having a good time. There are a few rough transitions, but that's kind of expected in an Instant Dance, no? But Kellie is really a wonderful dancer. I think she started out so good that it was easy to overlook her.
Judges? Bruno says that Kellie reminds him of Julianne, and she was wonderful. Carrie Ann thought it was the perfect ending to her journey, and they are a ray of sunshine. Len loves that her dancing is clean and precise and polished. As they wait for scores, Derek is giving out a lot of thank yous, making me think he's done with the show. I mean, he thanks the producers and the crew. Scores: Carrie Ann 10, Len 10, and Bruno 10.
Zendaya is wearing these pink high tops for their jive that just look terrible. And they do seem to affect her performance because she can't move her feet as fast as the rest of her is going. I don't know if she has a foot injury or just hates heels, but she could've worn some cute jazz shoes or anything smaller. High tops? Is she planning on playing basketball later? Anyway, their jive is technically great and a great performance, but there are a few wobbly turns and it's so fast that it gets out of control a couple of times. I know she's going to get a perfect score but it wasn't perfect, and it wasn't as good as Kellie and Derek's.
Judges? Carrie Ann says that she's sad that she won't get to see Zendaya dance anymore on the show. Len can't believe Zendaya's maturity given that she's only sixteen. True that. Bruno thinks that Zendaya has pitch perfect performer instincts. Well, except for her choice in footwear. You know, a word about Val - he really came into his own this season. He was always Maks's brother, but he impressed me this season. Scores: Carrie Ann 10, Len 10, and Bruno 10.
While we wait for the results, Jessica Sanchez is here to perform "I Just Want to Feel This Moment." The three couples stand on stage while we see highlights of the season. How they don't burst out crying, I do not know. I guess they're just really nervous.
Time to find out who is in third place. I'm going to guess it's Jacoby. And I'm right. I'm sure they expected it, given their judges' scores. They show a great clip package of Jacoby's crazy facial expressions, impressions, farting, and dancing. He certainly made this season interesting.
I just realized that a lot of the eliminated contestants didn't dance other than that one group number. Not that I needed to see them again, but Ingo, Sean, Victor, and DL all skipped out, and Wynonna performed but didn't dance. I wonder if that was their choice or the producers' choice? Weird.
So now it's down to Kellie or Zendaya, and it could honestly be either one. I thought Zendaya did better over the whole season, but Kellie did better last night and tonight. Kellie and Derek look pretty resigned to second place, and then Tom calls out their name as the winners. Wow, did they not expect to win. Kellie was shocked. Well, if it is Derek's last season, it's nice for him to go out on top, and Val will hopefully be on the show for many seasons to come. Zendaya is very gracious about second place, but she's clearly disappointed. Aw. She was great. Hmm, I notice that Kellie and Derek never talk to Zendaya and Val. Bad blood? I don't know why I'm trying to stir up gossip now that the season is over.
It was an average season but an exciting finale, because honestly, any of them could have won starting Monday night. I'll be sad if Derek goes; his smugness did get to me at times but I think he's the most talented male choreographer they've got and I always looked forward to his routines. I mean, who's going to replace him? Gleb? Girl, please.