Last week, there was a shocking exit. Have you gotten over the shock of Dorothy Hamill being injured? Good! Tonight's theme is "prom night," which mostly translates to "weird-looking tuxedo." Or for the ladies, fancy dresses. As the couples come out, Sean is wearing overalls, because why not right? Then they sort of vamp on the dance floor as Tom and Brooke explain the rules to tonight's Twitter thing.
The group dance is to "Right About Now," but not the Fatboy Slim version. They don't appear to have gotten a lot of time to choreograph this, so it's just a couple of moves per couple. Based on what Andy is doing, they may have asked the stars to improvise. That can't be a good idea. It's all paced pretty slowly and seems to take forever. But it still gets a standing ovation, presumably because the seats are electrified or something. Tom says it actually was choreographed. Poor Louis Van Amstel.
Okay, let's get it on. Aly and Mark. Viennese Waltz. I can never tell the difference between that and regular waltz. The story is about how neither of them have a date. Aly te;;s a story about how she was always training so she didn't get to go to high school. And she's thrown by the revelation that you count to six, not four. I'm pretty sure you're supposed to count to three, but I guess six could work. Their dance starts with a third person dressed as cupid and shooting an arrow at them. I didn't know the use of props could stretch to actual people! The actual dance is fairly pleasant. They seem in sync and don't do anything out of Aly's comfort zone.
Judges! Len wasn't that impressed tonight, which generates a torrent of booing. And then he says "April Fools!" That was a pretty clean execution of that gag. Well done! Bruno claims, "We were all swept away in a whirlwind of romance," which is overstating things quite a bit. He also recommends that she pull up the middle of her back. Carrie Ann also liked it, but she criticizes Aly's acting. Bruno and Len protest that Aly was totally in character. There was barely a character to stay in!
Tom doesn't seem to be enjoying the theme of the night. Brooke asks Aly how she prepares for a romantic dance, since she's never been in love. Aly shrugs and says she's seen a lot of movies. Their scores are 7 (Carrie Ann), 8 (Len), and 8 (Bruno) for 23.
up, Andy and Sharna have a Cha Cha. The backstage storyline is that Andy is struggling with the strict rules of the dance. And he yells at her because he's all stressed out. The dance starts with Andy being a nerd, looking on in awe as Sharna dances sexy around him. And that's pretty much how it continues. Even when he moves around he's not doing much actual dancing. And then at the end, he jumps over her, rips off his shirt, and slides on his knees up to the judges.
Bruno shouts something about timing and entertainment value. Carrie Ann accurately praises Sharna for looking great, which was 90% of the point of the dance. Then she praises Andy for trying, which is literally the least she could say. Len reads off a scripted joke everyone seems to enjoy. Then the booing starts even before he gets to the criticism. In his opinion, it was entertaining, even though it wasn't the Cha Cha.
Brooke says that this couple rehearsed a lot, and Andy swears this means a lot to him. Then he pulls his shirt off again to show his makeup-enhanced six-pack. Their scores are 6 (Carrie Ann), 6 (Len), and 6 (Bruno). Brooke points out that it's "another six-pack," which I think is a pretty good line.
Ingo and Kim have the paso doble. Ingo has some co-workers in the audience, which is not all that surprising when you consider what network broadcasts both General Hospital and Dancing with the Stars. Their dance is about Ingo riding a motorcycle up to prom, but he appears to have some lower-back pain. And that kind of gets in the way of looking like a cool bad boy. He rides a motorcycle right onto the dance floor, although I think it's not actually running. In a paso doble, it's mostly the guy's job to make dramatic facial expressions and stomp around a lot. And that's what Ingo does so good for him! It's a little blocky for me, but I feel like he basically does his job here.
Carrie Ann was happy about the power that Ingo showed, but she wants his core to look stronger. She's very happy about her comments and keeps laughing even when Tom tries to move her along. Len doesn't seem that interested but he mostly liked it. Bruno shouts about how hard Ingo works, although he would like to see more "refinement in the shapes." I choose to interpret that as meaning that he, too, thought it was kind of blocky. See, if I make vague criticisms, I can pretend they mean the same thing as the nonsense the judges spout!
Brooke's job is now to let Ingo promote the 50th anniversary of General Hospital. Scores: 7 (Carrie Ann), 7 (Len), 7 (Bruno).
Lisa and Gleb are saddled with some people in T-shirts that spell "ROMP?" until they rearrange themselves to say "PROM?" Then they have an excruciatingly staged scene in the rehearsals. Elisa says, "If we wanna stay in the competition, we need votes." Then she brags about having a lot of Twitter followers and makes Gleb take his shirt off. Even her dog has seventy thousand followers. Think about that sentence. Done? Great! It's time for the Viennese Waltz! I have a theory that these dances are a little easier when the star is a woman, because then the professional dancer is the one leading. They do fine. I mean, it's a little stiff, but I give them extra points because they don't have a story. Why do they need a skit? It's a prom-themed waltz. Who needs more backstory to understand that, right?
Len feels there was an air of lightness, although he criticizes Lisa's posture and footwork. Bruno is incapable of staying seated when he gives commentary. And Carrie Ann goes for the easy applause by saying she loves watching them. Tomorrow night, we'll get Demi Lovato and Huey Lewis. And also the News! Brooke recaps Gleb taking his shirt off. Scores: 7 (Carrie Ann), 7 (Len), 7 (Bruno). That seems like about their average score unless they're actually disgusted by what they saw.
Now Kelly and Derek with something called a "Footloose jive." As you know, the major forms of jive are Footloose, Hand, and Turkey. I just made that up, because their rehearsal footage is pretty dull. I like Kellie's haircut. Does that help at all? They're stuck with a story, in which Derek asks her out to prom, then slides down the steps. It turns out that "Footloose jive" means "Jive to the song 'Footloose.'" It goes pretty well. Kellie is cheerful and has lots of energy, although I'm pretty sure I caught her missing a kick at one point. She ends up in a split though, which looked pretty good.
Bruno calls it crisp and tight, then starts making samurai noises. Carrie Ann says it was ridiculously amazing, which seems like an overbid. Len shouts "Plenty of wellie, Kellie!" I guess there's a chance that means something in some dialect, right?
Brooke gets Kellie to admit that she's feeling some pressure. Scores: 8 (Carrie Ann), 9 (Len), 8 (Bruno). Kellie and Derek have some sort of nonsensical handshake that Andy makes fun of in the background.
Victor and Lindsay have Contemporary, which could mean almost anything. I hope there's a prop! On So You Think You Can Dance, there are a lot of props in contemporary dances. Victor says he didn't go to prom because he was broke. According to his Wikipedia page, he seems to have a pretty rough childhood, although he was boxing in the Junior Olympics at sixteen. Their dance has no discernable plot and mostly consists of him carrying her around while smoke gets pumped onto the dance floor. But that's perfectly valid! He's a big, strong guy, so he has no problem at all with the lifts. He does do one jump where he looks like a boxer dancing.
Carrie Ann is delighted and calls it breathtaking. That might be the smoke. Once Carrie Ann's microphone gets muted, Len is able to praise the lifts. He admits that the bits between the lifts weren't great, but he doesn't mind much. Bruno claims that Victor is a dancer. And he doesn't sit down at all during the critique.
Brooke says something, but I'm distracted by the tiara on Ingo's head in the background. Scores: 8 (Carrie Ann), 7 (Len), 8 (Bruno). A little better than I thought! As long as Victor can keep getting styles with a lot of lifts, I think he'll be fine.
D.L. and Cheryl will be doing "a salsa inspired by the Godfather of Soul." Their rehearsal footage features D.L. explaining that he went to prom with girls who paid $25 for the privilege. A lot of these people didn't go to their own proms, which makes this whole theme kind of weird. The song is "Sex Machine" and that is not the machine that D.L. moves like. He's more reminiscent of a cement mixer. Zing! That's some of that "snark" you've been reading about. Cheryl does everything she can, but D.L. is just too stiff here. They're confined to about a twenty-foot square raised platform, which makes them seem even more immobile.
Len: "If you're a sex machine, I'm America's Top Model." Also, "It was as untidy as a teenager's bedroom." Bruno complains that it wasn't slinky and oily enough. Cheryl is soothing D.L. with her hand on his shoulder. Carrie Ann takes pity on him and says he's making baby steps, although he needs to work on his musicality. Tom asks if D.L. has a rebuttal, and he claims that every time he moves his hips, he has a baby. It seems to be a child support joke, but I am unaware of any problems D.L. Hughley has in that area.
Brooke claims there have been a lot of tweets in favor of D.L.'s dance. He says he's glad felons can vote in this. Scores: 6 (Carrie Ann), 5 (Len), 5 (Bruno), and a lot of booing. What's the lowest scores these guys have ever given out? I imagine the audience would burn the studio down if someone got a 3.
Jacoby and Karina have a romantic Rhumba. I'm not sure we need the word "romantic" in the prom theme week. I'd also like to see a pun on the word "Roomba." Jacoby actually went to prom but he got thrown out. And then a couple years later, Hurricane Katrina destroyed his high school. Now that's drama! Karina is constantly on him to make it more romantic and emotional but he's having trouble taking it seriously. He's shirtless in the dance, which should be enough to keep them safe even before they start dancing. He's very assured out there. His facial expressions are a trifle goofy, but he maintains a good connection with his partner and generally does a great job. We see Andy up in the Contestants' Corral tell someone, "So good!"
Bruno shrieks that he's "Jacoby, the great and powerful!" and can only criticize his foot placement. Carrie Ann says he has incredible artistry. Len says he's shocked, and the audience starts to get ready to boo him. Then he gets to the part where he's happy to see that Jacoby can do the refined styles along with the goofy stuff.
Brooke brings up Katrina again, which is kind of a downer. Jacoby seems to agree, because he'd rather do a goofy imitation of his mother cheering for him. He seems fun! Scores: 8 (Carrie Ann), 8 (Len), 8 (Bruno).
Wynonna and Tony have the samba. She went to prom, of course. They'll be dancing to "Pour Some Sugar on Me" and their dance will involve some pole dancing. Classy! To prepare, they go to the Hard Rock to see Def Leppard in concert. You'd think they'd also go to a strip club for the pole-dancing part. They start on a runway and it's just awful. The only thing Wynonna does that's even close to dancing is this shoulder-shimmy thing, and she doesn't even look like she's having fun doing it. Ugh. Sorry, Wynonna.
Carrie Ann starts with "You know I love you..." and that's kind of how I feel here. Len says, "You're like Mount Rushmore. You look magnificent, but you don't move." He gets booed off the stage. Bruno flails around for a bit to distract people from the fact that he also hated it.
Brooke asks Wynonna how she feels about the criticism, and Wynonna says that she's a singer, not a dancer. Scores: 5 (Carrie Ann), 5 (Len), 5 (Bruno).
Sean will be doing "YMCA" with Peta and "the guys from our troupe." Unfortunately for Sean, my main takeaway from the rehearsal footage is that Peta is a lot of fun. I may not be the first person to say this, but Sean seems kind of bland to me. The dance starts with everyone in Village People costumes in an alley set. Then they come out on the stage and "the guys from the troupe" leave. It turns out Sean is in overalls because he's the construction worker. Peta is in something approximating an Indian outfit. Sean seems amiable enough, but the dance is just...there. Len says it's Sean's best dance. Bruno claims the dance was full of fun. Carrie Ann praises Sean's gusto. See, that's what I didn't like. He wasn't gusto-y enough.
Say hello to the band. Hi, band! Okay, enough of you guys. Brooke asks how Sean decided which Village Person to be, and he claims "Construction Worker" was the most manly. Scores: 7 (Carrie Ann), 7 (Len), 7 (Bruno).
Zendaya and Val have Viennese Waltz. You know, like Christoph? See, because Christoph Waltz was born in Vienna. Oh, skip it. Zendaya has the best excuse for not having gone to prom, since she's barely old enough to have done so and she's been pretty busy the last couple of years. She'll be dancing to "Que Sera, Sera" for her grandmother. The dance floor has a gondola on it! Zendaya gets out of it and is great. I guess she's supposed to be graded on a curve for having actually been a dancer, but she really does do a great job. She appears to be experiencing actual emotions out there, rather than just smiling constantly or counting "1, 2, 3" over and over again.
Bruno loved it. Carrie Ann loved it, but she thinks the best is yet to come. Len loved how natural and effortless it was, but he's getting kind of sick of the Viennese Waltz and the big hand-waving. People boo him, but I think they're just bored of listening to him. He claims it's just "booing for booing's sake" and he might be right. This is what you dummies get for encouraing the audience to boo anything they don't like.
Brooke asks Zendaya if she thinks she made her grandmother proud. She does think so. And she can pretty sure, because she just hugged her grandmother before they came up the stairs. Scores: 8 (Carrie Ann), 8 (Len), 8 (Bruno). That seems fine. I might have bumped it up to a nine, but I guess they have to leave some room for improvement.
Now comes the part of the show where they recap what's happened so far. I decline to participate. If it's that important to you, click "Back" and read it again.
Results show tomorrow. Bonus points for some, eliminations for others. I have a feeling that Wynonna is in trouble.
Follow Monty on Twitter at @monty_ashley and read his blog, Mysterious Exhortations.