I can't believe I still have to watch Kirstie and Bristol and Drew is gone. What is up with that? And Paula Abdul is the judge. It's like the show is trying to feature my least favorite television archetype: obnoxious dumb or drug-addled woman. Anyway, Brooke reminds us that the couples chose dances for one another last week, and adds that lifts are allowed. Tom introduces Paula (who has had some serious fillers added to her face and looks like a different person). After the requisite introductions and comparisons of Len and Simon. Paula speaks in her weird halting speech where it sounds like she forgot how to speak English halfway through a sentence. I think the other judges lobbied to have Paula on so they look well-spoken in comparison.
Kirstie and Maks are up first with their Charleston. Just insert my weekly rant about Kirstie's terrible gross hair here, because that's all I can look at while they are rehearsing. Kirstie looks pretty good other than that, and is happy to have a routine with comedic value. The beginning is really good, with Kirstie popping out of a cake and forcing Maks to dance with her. She gets her heels high up in the air and seems full of life. And she nails the cartwheel move she was worried about earlier. As the routine goes on, she seems to run out of steam and I think the routine was choreographed that way, because most of the ending involves her either standing still or lying on the floor. The finale is a bizarre move where she lays on Maks's knees and pretends to swim? I don't know WTF it ended that way. The first half gets an 8 from me, but the second half gets a 5. Honestly, it evoked Marie Osmond's doll dance for me.
Judges? Since we have four this week, I'm going to summarize their thoughts in one sentence. Len wanted it cleaner but thought it was really fun. Paula tells Kirstie that she's a joy to watch. Bruno loves it also. Carrie Ann thought the dancing could have been tighter, but it was wildly entertaining. Scores: Carrie Ann 7.5, Len 7.5, Paula 7.5, and Bruno 7.5.
Bristol and Mark have rock and roll which doesn't even seem like a dance style. Oooooooh, it's like '50s rock and roll, not heavy metal. They're dancing to "At the Hop" and Mark wants to dress up like a bunny. Bristol wisely tells him that it's a terrible idea. The problem is that Bristol is having trouble getting the steps and keeps asking Mark to make them easier, but Mark claims he's made them as easy as he can. So I'm watching the routine and holy shit is it basic. I mean, it's like my fifth grade dance recital. They even repeat the same part at the opening and closing and there is NOTHING complicated about any of the steps. They do a spin in the middle that seems to last forever, but it does eat up a lot of time. Mark is trying like hell to sell it with his typical overdancing but not only is Bristol not smiling or into it, she looks terrified. And her dancing isn't even in the same zip code as Shawn or Sabrina.
Judges? Paula claims there was improvement and fun. Where? I didn't see any of either thing. Bruno claims she hit all of the steps quickly and was focused. Carrie Ann makes Bristol give her a high five and claims that Bristol is blossoming. Len thought Bristol tried really hard even if it was safe sometimes. That was horseshit. I have to believe that they are trying to avoid people voting as part of a backlash against the judges? That's all I can think of. Scores: Carrie Ann 8, Len 8, Paula 8, and Bruno 8. WHAT? That is ridiculous. If I were Kirstie, I would cut someone.
Sabrina and Louis have disco, and they decide to avoid the Saturday Night Fever thing because it's been done, and instead are going for a Studio 54 vibe. Sabrina looks like Madonna on "The Girlie Show" tour (which I saw! In Madison Square Garden!). Anyway, their routine is fantastic. Fun, lively, and jam-packed with content. Maybe a little too packed - at times they seem to be moving from eight-count to eight-count without a lot of connection in between. The stunts are great but Sabrina seems a little too heavy for Louis; he struggles on the dismounts more than once. Those are nitpicks; it's a joy to watch.
Judges? Bruno calls it "vibrant and alive" but claims that Sabrina lost timing a few times. Carrie Ann disagrees, although she did see a problem with one dismount. Len was transported back to 1978 and he loved everything about it. Paula thought the homage was spot-on and compliments Louis's choreography. I notice Paula is the only one who mentions choreography; I wish the judges talked about that more, because it has so much to do with how the stars look. Scores: Carrie Ann 9, Len 9, Paula 8.5, and Bruno 9. Those are good scores. I think the other dancers are jealous that Louis got disco because they're all standing behind them doing disco moves. They are super fun.
Cheryl and Emmitt have the bolero, and Cheryl hasn't ever done training in the bolero, so she brings in some other pros to show them some moves. Emmitt jokes that the other stars are like finely-tuned Cadillacs and he's like an F-150 truck trying to be smooth. Well, I don't know anything about the bolero, but that seemed nice to me. It was sort of a cross between a rumba and...well, it looked a lot like a rumba. Emmitt seemed more focused than he has in past weeks and didn't just skate by on charm; he had to do actual dancing at times. I still think his hip flexibility isn't what it was on his original season but that's probably aging and can't really be helped.
Judges? Carrie Ann loved how dramatic, sexy, and graceful it was. Len points out that the bolero is slow so mistakes can be magnified, but Emmitt danced it cleanly. Paula calls Emmitt a "sexy beast" and loved that he went by the "less is more" philosophy. Bruno thought the desire was tangible, and Emmitt had smooth and yet masculine lines. Scores: Carrie Ann 9, Len 9, Paula 9, and Bruno 9. Those might be a little high. The judges are getting 9 happy.
Gilles and Peta fell down the leaderboard last week and this week, they have Bollywood. Peta knows nothing about it, so she brings in an expert. As they continue rehearsing, Peta is freaking out because the dance is not coming together, and Gilles comments that they don't know what they're doing. Like the pros, I don't know much about this style of dance since they don't usually do it on this show. The routine looks very energetic, but Gilles slips in and out of proper form to my eye. Sometimes he looks great, but sometimes his arms and legs just aren't right. He looks more Broadway than Bollywood.
Judges? Len admits that he knows nothing about Bollywood, but he liked this, especially how much Gilles committed to the cause. Paula does a not half bad Bruno impersonation and I can't hear what she says but it seems to be mostly about how sexy Gilles is. She's not wrong. Bruno thinks Gilles is a superstar. Carrie Ann thinks Aladdin has nothing on Gilles. Scores: Carrie Ann 10, Len 9.5, Paula 10, and Bruno 10. Wow, that was overscored. No way was it that much better than Shawn's, I didn't think.
Melissa and Tony have the jitterbug. Tony wonders how you can top what Shawn and Derek did, and Melissa notes that Shawn is untouchable when it comes to flips and tricks. Tony has to try to figure out how to make it good but also different. And then in rehearsal, it seems like all they are doing are flips and tricks. Okay. I am on record as being kind of against tons of lifts and tricks that don't seem organic to the routine, and that's my problem with Tony and Melissa's moves here. It feels like they are just going from trick to trick, when my favorite parts of their routine are the non-trick parts. I would have liked to see more dancing and less lifting. I get that the jitterbug is all about throws and flips; I've seen Swingers. But this feels like Tony figured out the maximum number of tricks they could do and then filled in with dancing when it should have been the other way around. Also, they screwed up one of their tricks a little bit. Not major, but a stumble on the dismount. I expected better dancing from them.
Judges? Paula thought Melissa's footwork was impeccable and they nailed the routine. Bruno calls Melissa "fearless and fierce." Carrie Ann loved Tony's choreography AGAIN and she noted that they went for difficulty and they did mess up one of the lifts. Len loves that they went for it and failed and adds that Melissa is a beautiful dancers. Scores: Carrie Ann 9, Len 9, Paula 9.5, and Bruno 9.5. That's fair, I guess. Maybe a bit high.
Shawn and Derek have a mambo this week. How are they going to top last week? Shawn has to go home to Des Moines and Derek gets to meet the Fab Five US Women's Gymnastics team and bonds with McKayla Maroney. Do I smell a future partner for him? Anyway, Shawn and Derek plan to push it this week. And holy shit, do they. I didn't think they could top last week's routine, but I think I liked this one better. Obviously, there are a ton of tricks but they all seem organic to the dance. I don't know if it's because Shawn is better at them or because Derek's choreography incorporates them better, but the routine looks like a whole piece instead of chunks stitched together. And Shawn's dancing has gotten so much better since her original season. Again, I don't know if it's her maturity or Derek's teaching. But holy cow, was that a great routine. Fast and syncopated and right on the money.
Judges? Bruno can't believe that Shawn keeps getting better. Carrie Ann thinks the other contestants should be scared, and it's not just about the tricks. Len really liked it and was impressed that they kept rhythm and timing with all the tricks. Paula thinks Shawn is sexy and Derek should be on the ballot. For what, I'm not sure. It's Paula. Just go with it. Scores: Carrie Ann 10, Len 9.5, Paula 10, Bruno 10. I don't know what Len was smoking; there were zero flaws in that routine. Flawfree. And it was way better than Gilles and Peta's routine.
Karina is freaked out about having hip hop because she does not know how to choreograph it. And when we see her trying, it's obvious that she really doesn't know how to dance in that style. They bring in a guest choreographer but I'm a little nervous. Before they dance, Tom talks to Kelly and Val on the floor and they are both acting really weird, sort of like we interrupted their intercourse. What is going on with them? Anyway, back to Apolo and Karina's routine. They do fine in the beginning, although they seem like they feel awkward. And then part of his mike pack goes flying off Apolo's costume and Karina slips and falls on it and goes down HARD. And then Apolo has to do the few seconds with a mike pack hanging from his belt until he rips it off. They do manage to recover and the second half of the routine is actually better, maybe because they no longer give a flying eff and the worst has happened. It was still better than Bristol, even with the fall. It was totally Paula Abdul/Carrie Ann Inaba '90s fly girl moves. I half-expected Jim Carrey and a bunch of Wayans to come out at the end.
Judges? Karina starts crying at the end and Apolo tries to comfort her. Carrie Ann wants to make sure Karina's not hurt, but Karina is just worried that she screwed her partner over. Carrie Ann assures her that the judges understand that the pros are all out of their comfort zones. Len loved that Apolo gave it everything and he wasn't even looking at Karina. Paula tells Karina that everyone loves her, and I think she just called Apolo "Paulo." Bruno loved Apolo's attitude and they covered the mistakes well. Scores: Carrie Ann 8.5, Len 9, Paula 8.5, and Bruno 8.5. I think that's about right. Even without the fall, I don't know that the scores would have been much higher.
Kelly and Val have contemporary, and have apparently taken that to mean "contemporary porno scene." Val thinks that Cheryl tried to screw them over because she knows he has no experience with contemporary. The whole roll-in segment is done on film instead of video, which is weird. It's like the producers are really trying to sell this showmance. Anyway, Kelly has a broken toe and I think it affected her dancing. I'm not a fan of contemporary dance anyway; at least the routines that I've seen always look like a lot of running around and reaching for the sky. Kelly and Val are out of sync in the one part that feels like actual dancing, but there is a TON of passion in the other segments. Maybe too much, if you ask me. And then they do a trick on top of some stairs and it kind of doesn't work - it looks too much like a cheerleading lift. I wonder how much of it they had to modify because of her broken toe. Anyway, that felt like a lot of build up with not enough payoff.
Judges? Len loved the contrast within the routine and calls Kelly a revelation. Paula thought it was beautiful, especially Kelly with her injury. Bruno thought Kelly had the hardest task in terms of the type of routine, and she nailed it and he believed every moment. Carrie Ann is crying. She thought Kelly was in touch with her raw emotion and it was stunning. Carrie Ann feels like some of the moves were beyond Kelly's ability but she went for it and it took courage. Val is carrying Kelly everywhere, and come on. I've broken a number of toes - big one, little one, the ones in between. And you can walk on it. I couldn't DANCE on it, but I could walk up a set of stairs without my hunky boyfriend carrying...wait a minute, maybe she's not so dumb. She might be on a lot of pills though. Also, they are totally doing it. Scores: Carrie Ann 9, Len 9.5, Paula 9.5, Bruno 9.5. Those are amazing scores.
I'm not even going to predict who's going home, because I'm always wrong. Just do the right thing, America. Here are you scores:
Gilles and Peta: 39.5
Shawn and Derek: 39.5
Kelly and Val: 37.5
Melissa and Tony: 37
Emmitt and Cheryl: 36
Sabrina and Louis: 35.5
Apolo and Karina: 34.5
Bristol and Mark: 32
Kirstie and Maks: 30