Because they didn't wedge in enough movie references last night, the opening voice-over tonight is done in Star Wars text crawl style. I think this show needs new writers. The voiceover script is so hacky. I'm not saying I could do better, but I think someone could! Hire some writers, show. Now I'm going to watch the credits and see who the writers are, and then probably feel bad for dissing them.
Raphael Saadiq is on hand to perform "Soul Man." He's a Grammy winner. I don't know who he is. Sometimes this show does actually introduce me to artists and then I'm impressed and I go download a few songs. But this guy does not impress me, at least not on this song. His voice is way too thin. I just watched five singers from last night's episode of The Sing-Off that could KILL this song. I am enjoying the dancers pretending to play the horns, though. Do you think those are real horns or fake prop horns? I would think a real saxophone would be heavy for dancing purposes. I used to play the saxophone and I was in marching band and that shit got heavy after a while. Anyway, good song, but the singer wasn't my cup. Wait a minute. I just looked this guy up, and he was in Tony! Toni! Tone! Wasn't he already on this show? I remember looking this guy up before. Hey, he was on the show before. And I loved him! Must just be the song, then.
You guys, I don't know what Brooke Burke CHAR-VAAAAAAY is wearing tonight but I think it was in style like five years ago. It's a pink dress with black details and I remember going to a Parade of Homes like five years ago and every girl's room was done in those colors. And in this sort of faux Chanel style. Anyway, Susan Boyle is here to sing "Unchained Melody" and either you like this lady or you don't, and I don't, so that's all I'm going to say about that. Well, except to add that it has nothing to do with what she looks like. Oh, and Val is dancing AGAIN and it's a rumba AGAIN and I'm about done with seeing sweaty Val dance the rumba. Please stop doing that, show.
Time for some reviews and results. Or R 'n' R, as I like to call it. Actually, I've never called it that. I can't lie to you people. Cheryl thought that Carrie Ann had a crush on Rob, and he's more concerned with finding out if she's single than hearing more about what Cheryl thought about the judging. JR wonders if Carrie Ann has ever seen The Pink Panther, since she objected to the comedy in the routine and the movie is a comedy. The man has a point. We get to see behind the scrim for Derek and Ricki's routine, which is kind of cool. As soon as it ended, Bruno just blurted out, "Ten." And then told Tom it was amazing. Seriously, I think if Bruno could have mated with that routine, he would have. And I think the scores are honestly tributes to Dereks' choreography more than Ricki's dancing. I don't know if she realizes that.
Rob, JR, and Ricki are up on the stage with their partners to hear some results. Ricki and JR are safe (no surprise there) but Rob is in jeopardy. I would love for Rob to go home tonight.
Brooke asks Chynna if freezing on the routine last night has ruined her for life and if she should maybe just go kill herself or something. Maybe she used different words but that was how it came off. Geez, they tell Chynna to lighten up and then hit her with questions like that. So of course, she's like, "I'm a survivor, I'm not gonna give up!" Or something. Carson doesn't think his routine was over the top. His life is over the top. I love it, but he doesn't do anything under the top. Under the bottom? You know what I mean. Chaz doesn't have much to say, the end.
Julianne Hough. She's in Footloose! Have you heard? I don't have strong feelings about the remake as some people seem to. I do have strong feelings about this countrified remake of the Bonnie Tyler classic, "Holding Out for a Hero." And those feelings are that it is terrible. Julianne is a really good dancer, though. I miss her on the show. And then Blake Shelton comes out to sing "Footloose." My junior show choir sang this. I had a solo. It was, "Now take a hold of your soul." I thought I was hitting the big time. Anyway, was Kenny Loggins busy, for real? It's one of those routines that probably plays great in the studio but it's not that great to watch on TV because there's just so much going on. When it ends, Tom comes over to talk to Julianne, who is really emotionally overwhelmed to be back on the show. Aw, that's kind of sweet. I always liked her.
Time for more R 'n' R. That's catching on, right? Anyway, we get to see the talk between Chynna and Tony on the dance floor and he really, really tried to help her and she was really, really panicking. And felt awful afterwards. Carson got some harsh criticism from Len, but laughed it off. Carrie Ann got weepy over Chaz's dance, and not because it was awful (which it was) but because she's rooting for him. So who's safe? Chaz and Carson are safe, and Chynna is in jeopardy. So the low scorers are not going home.
Filler package on people's expectations about being on the show, and how different it actually is. Someone told Nancy she'd only have to rehearse for 20 hours per week. Ha ha ha ha! Chynna thought she'd be really natural at it and only have to rehearse three hours per day. Have these people ever seen the show? Many of them were surprised about the emotional strain as much as the physical strain. So, filler.
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Julianna and Derek are teaming up to do a jive to "Shake A Tailfeather." I'm glad they're doing a jive. I find it slightly creepy when siblings do, like, the rumba or the tango or something. It's really fun and fast, and Julianne actually flips Derek at one point and he nearly crashes. Yikes. But they are both laughing at the end. I did feel like I'd seen this before too, but I think I'm remembering when they won the very first Design A Dance. I just went and watched that, and man does Derek look better with the short hair. Also, this routine was way better. As Tom and Brooke are segueing to the segment, the cameras follow as Derek and Julianne hug the judges and we get a shot of Julianne squeezing Len's bum to get his attention. Oops. I don't think she knew she was on camera. That was awesome.
Nancy and Tristan did the paso they hoped to do, and Len still thought it was boring. And Len was right. We get a rare shot of the other pros watching David and Kym's dance, and they all liked it and thought it would get higher scores. Someone on the forums pointed out that Hope looks exactly like Dexter's sister on Dexter and now I can't unsee it. They could be twins. Aw, that was Hope's nephew in the Buzz Lightyear costume in the front row. He was super cute. Anyway, Len doesn't think that Hope is putting in the time, and he does have a point, since she ran part of a marathon in Chicago this week. That had to take away from rehearsal time. So who's safe from this crew? David and Hope are safe, and Nancy is in jeopardy.
The three couples that are in jeopardy are waiting to hear the results. Rob and Cheryl, Nancy and Tristan, and Chynna and Tony are at the top of the stairs, probably sweating. So which of these three is safe? Nancy and Tristan. Good for Tristan.
Rob and Cheryl and Chynna and Tony have to walk down a huge staircase and wait again to find out if they are going home or staying around. And guess who's going home? Chynna and Tony. Holy shitballs. I did not expect that. I thought she could win the whole thing. The audience is stunned as well. She must have zero fanbase because her scores were NOT that low, so you can't blame the judges for this one. Chynna gives the obligatory thanks to Tony and for the opportunity. I wonder how Tony's ankle is doing. And the writer for the show is Dave Boone, who makes a lot more money than me, so I'm sure he gives two shits what I think as I sit here on my couch. Aw, poor Chynna. Now I really don't know who's going to win this thing.
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