The intro lets us know that, this week, the couples will be expressing something personal, and something about their own personal journey. Is this The Bachelor? I mean, I like to watch true emotion expressed through dance, but I don't need a sob story beforehand to get that. It makes this show feel sort of like the old Queen for a Day from the '50s, where the most pitiful person ends up getting votes. And this isn't Sob Stories with the Stars (though I think TLC might pick that up for mid-season).
Once the couples are introduced, Tom and Brooke remind us of the night's theme and tell us to have a box of tissues ready. See? I don't want to cry while watching this show. Well, I have a heart of stone, so I won't cry. I'll probably just roll my eyes. I'm a bad person. But people who are, you know, human and not robots might cry. Also, the lighting is really weird in this segment, and there are huge shadows from the couples crawling across the dance floor. Maybe one of the couples is trying to evoke a horror movie?
Rob and Cheryl will be first to perform tonight. Rob got high marks from the judges last week, even though I thought he looked terrible and danced nearly as badly as he looked. In rehearsals, Rob tells Cheryl that his most memorable year was 2003, when his father (you know, the dude who got OJ off) died. I mean, it's sad that his dad died, especially since he was just fifteen. But doesn't it feel a little exploitative? Rob will be doing the foxtrot to "Fly Me To the Moon" by Sinatra, which was one of his father's favorite songs. You guys, I can't. I can't make fun of someone who's missing his dead father. At least not yet. I can make fun of his dancing, though.
So, he's not bad! His footwork is decent and he knows the steps. I think he could work on being more decisive with his foot and hand placement. Sometimes he gets his foot into a position and then slides it around a bit instead of sticking it. And his posture is not perfect. But seriously, this is way better than his two dances, if only because he seems to be taking it seriously and he's not entirely graceless. He gets a little ahead of the beat about halfway through but gets back in sync. The judges look pleased, but let's hear what they have to say. Len tells him that he "put the dash into Kardashian" and his dad would be proud. Bruno references Guys and Dolls and Rob doesn't know what that is. Carrie Ann enjoys watching Rob make progress, and he does that each week. Scores: Carrie Ann 8, Len 8 and Bruno 8. I think that's fair. Maybe a point or two high in total, but fair.
Chynna has to remember the most memorable year of her life, and she decides that it was 1990, when Wilson Phillips had their hit "Hold On." She wrote it. Who knew? She felt abandoned by her father, and yes, I'm going to go there and say that, given Mackenzie's revelations about their father, she's probably better off being abandoned. Chynna got into drugs and alcohol but in 1990, she quit both and met her future husband, Billy Baldwin. So her dance is going to represent running away from the pain and negativity and towards a brighter future. You guys, I was friend with these two sisters in high school and we did a kick ass version of "Hold On" in three-part harmony. We were like the low(er) rent Wilson Phillips. That's apropos of nothing but I wanted to mention it because I can't stop singing the low part in my head. Anyway, Chynna gets emotionally overwhelmed in rehearsals but powers through.
Tony and Chynna have the rumba, and of course, Chynna is great at it. It's her dance, all graceful arm movements and striking poses and sexy faces. I wonder if she's mad that the band is butchering her song, "Hold On." It's really bad. It would have been cool if the Wilson sisters came on and sang it for her. I wonder if they are all still friends. God know, Carnie will come to the opening of an envelope, so it's not like they couldn't get her. She would probably run out on the stage and start dancing with Chynna. That would be hilarious. Anyway, it's a good routine, but kind of expected for me. That doesn't make it any worse, technically. Let's see what the judges thought. Oh, the Wilson sisters are totally there in the audience! Why not have them sing it? Come on, producers. Bruno tells Chynna she's "a smoldering siren" and has beautiful lines. Carrie Ann thinks that Chynna gave them more, which is what they asked for, and she loved how Chynna was connected to the song. Len thinks that dancing like that will keep Chynna there for weeks and weeks, and she's brought the competition to a new level. Scores: Carrie Ann 8, Len 9 and Bruno 9. Wow. Well, she did deserve higher scores than Rob, so that's good.
What was Chaz's most memorable year? Well, first Lacey tells him that he'll do better this week, because they have the rumba, and it'll be easier on his knees. Chaz says that, pretty obviously, his most memorable year is this year, with his surgery and transition, and he'll be dancing to a song by his father, Sonny Bono. You'd think there'd be more to his backstory, but maybe ABC is trying to downplay all that Chaz has gone through this year? Because of the protests and such? I don't know. It seemed like a pretty bland roll-in package for someone who has had such a life-changing event.
Their rumba is...it's not good. Part of the problem is the song, which isn't nearly lyrical enough for a rumba. Part of the problem is Chaz's outfit. He's wearing a sleeveless shirt, which works for someone with good arms, but Chaz really doesn't have good arms. And then his pants are ill fitting and only serve to accentuate his potbelly, which is never a good look. And then most of the routine seems to be Lacey flitting around and Chaz standing there. I could even deal with that, because the rumba is a lot of striking poses and "come here, go away" business, but Chaz's facial expressions don't fit the routine at all. In the beginning, he's all scowly, and then he smiles when he hits a move, and it doesn't fit the mood of the dance. It's just a jumbled mess. But probably better than last week. Judges? Carrie Ann is touched by Chaz's courage each week, but she thought he looked distracted and unfocused. Len thought it was his best dance so far (WHAT?) and he loves that Chaz comes back each week, despite negative comments. Bruno thinks Chaz is endearing, but he agrees that Chaz sometimes lost focus. Bruno adds that it's a difficult dance. Scores: Carrie Ann 6, Len 6 and Bruno 6. Hmm. How did Len say such nice things and then give him a 6? That was weird.
Kirstin says that 2005 was her most memorable year because she graduated high school and moved to LA. She really hasn't had any struggles in life, has she? I mean, compared to the others on the show? Kristin will be dancing to "Crazy in Love" which is my JAM, and she'll be doing the samba. During rehearsals, she struggles a bit because Mark is making the routine really difficult, but he's confident that she can handle it. Let's see.
Well, Kristin can really shake her booty and whip her hair around, and honestly, that's a big part of this dance. My only complaint is that Mark over choreographed it a bit, so a lot of the actual traditional samba moves were rushed. I mean, Kristin tried her best to do the bouncing samba moves in hold, but she could barely fit them in before she had to go on to the move. But she had the attitude down cold. There were tiny technique things missing, like keeping her legs bent at certain points, but overall I thought it was really good, and definitely fun to watch. Her ex-fiancé maybe-sorta-boyfriend Jay Cutler is in the front row, clapping. Len didn't love the Beyonce parts, with the booty shaking and hair whipping, but he loved the 80 percent of the dance that was non-Beyonce, and says it was fabulous. Bruno calls Kristin a "fast-moving devil woman." Carrie Ann thinks Kristin did great and impressed her with the difficult choreography. I love that Kristin just takes in the comments and doesn't argue or give attitude. Scores: Carrie Ann 8, Len 8 and Bruno 8.
Carson and Anna are easily the most fun couple of the season, but they're dancing hasn't really been up to par. Can they turn it around this week with the tango? Carson's favorite year was 2003, which is when Queer Eye came out. Carson talks about how he was the dorkiest kid in high school, but he also knew he was gay and couldn't be himself. They show pics of him in high school and he was pretty dorky but also cute. Carson says that 2003 was great for him because he was finally getting positive attention for just being himself. Aw. Love him. He's an awful dancer, but I love him.
The best part of this routine is that, instead of trying to make it about a man and a woman stalking one another, Anna made it about Carson stalking her awesome shoes. That is fantastic. And I bet it was a lot easier for Carson to get into character. Carson does a lot better in a more structured dance like the tango, because there's not as much freedom for him to flail about with his gawky arms and legs. His posture is pretty good and he knows the steps cold. He's still got some issues with musicality, but he makes up for it in personality. I think this was his best routine so far, especially technique-wise. Bruno thought it was amazing. Carrie Ann just loves Carson because he brings so many different emotions to the floor, but he also brought technique. Len tells him that he "put the boy in flamboyant," and his tango had merit. Scores: Carrie Ann 8, Len 7 and Bruno 8. That was a little overscored, but I get why they wanted to give him those scores.
Oof, we're now at the truly heart-breaking portion of the evening, because it's time for JR's story. Obviously, his most memorable year is the year he was injured. He was driving and hit a land mine. He was 19 years old and he felt like his life was over, and he even wished that he had died rather than have to live this way, with his disfigured face and body. But at one point, he chose to fight and be upbeat and positive. He wants his rumba to be a tribute to the servicemen and women that didn't get a second chance like he did. Oh, Lord. I mean, he has earned every bit of that, but it's heavy.
You know, he's a war hero, and he has every right to be bitter and a jerk. And yet, he's an amazing person and even an asshole like me can see that. And he's also a great dancer. His rumba is really, really good. The extension on his arms and legs is amazing, and his movements are very graceful. He has hip action in all the right places. I really can't find much fault with the routine. And despite all the weight that was laid upon the routine, it somehow avoids schmaltz and is truly just affecting. Look, you guys. I don't like being this way. I want to rip on something. I hope someone awful is coming up soon because I'm about to lose my recapper badge. The audience applauds wildly and JR is overcome with emotion, and the producers wisely just let it go on for a while. Judges? Carrie Ann is all verklempt as well. She tells JR that he did something extraordinary and profound. Len tells him that JR has surprised him with his excellence, even if it could have been a little more musical through the arms (which means that Len isn't giving him a 10 and has to justify it.) Bruno says that he felt every emotion that JR put out there, and his technique was great as well. Scores: Carrie Ann 9, Len 8 and Bruno 9. I'm glad they didn't give him 10s. It's too early in the season.
The best thing that happened to Nancy Grace on this show was being paired with Tristan. People love that dude. I don't know if it's the accent or that he's super cute. So Nancy Grace is dancing to "Moon River" because it's the first lullaby she ever sang to her twins. They were born prematurely (like many twins), although Nancy doesn't say how many weeks they were or how long they spent in NICU. Not that it matters, since any time your children are threatened, it's life-changing. As a fellow twin mom, though, I'm always interested in the gory details. Anyway, she's dancing for her twins (her kids, not her boobs), who are healthy and happy toddlers now.
They will be dancing the waltz. I really believe that the costumers on this show don't know how to dress women larger than a size 8. Nancy looks better in her rehearsal gear than she does in her fancy dresses, and I remember the same thing with Kirstie Alley and Marissa Jaret Winokur. Anyway, her waltz is okay. She seems like she's fighting Tristan's lead in the beginning, but her footwork is good. Her posture needs work and her arms are graceful at the ends of the moves but she doesn't put her whole body into it. It's like her arms aren't attached to the rest of her body. Her daughter is really adorable, though. Judges? Len liked that they got right into the dance without messing about, but he wants Nancy to work on her posture. He does think she showed the emotion of the dance well. Bruno also thought it was soft and maternal, but she needs to carry through her arm motions. Carrie Ann is emotional again, and thought her love and tenderness came though. I love that Nancy's kids are struggling to get out of their dad's lap. I was thinking that my kids would not sit there and watch me dance. One would try to get out there and dance with me and the other would crawl under his chair and hide. Anyway. Scores: Carrie Ann 7, Len 7 and Bruno 7. Overscored.
Ricki says that her most memorable year was last year, because she went through a terrible divorce, and then her house burned down. Then she met a new man who has made her feel loved. So she wants her rumba to show how she resisted her new boyfriend because she was afraid, but she finally did give in. I don't know. I find that kind of boring. I guess they can't all be war heroes.
Their rumba is kind of boring too. It's very typical with the fog machine going and Ricki is wearing a piece of cloth tied to her wrist and Derek's shirt is open. I just feel like I've seen this a million times before on this show. Her footwork is good, but her hip action is non-existent and her arm movements are okay but there are a few clunkers in there. And her expression of love or resistance or whatever she's trying to convey just looks like constipation to me. Bruno thought it was expressive and dramatic. Carrie Ann thought it was fabulous and sensual. Len congratulates Derek on his choreography and thought Ricki danced it well. Am I missing something? She just leaves me cold. I actually liked her a lot coming into this season, but she exudes this sense of entitlement that does nothing for me. Scores: Carrie Ann 9, Len 9 and Bruno 9. What? I must have a Ricki block or something.
Hope and Maks didn't get great scores for their jive last week. Hope says that this year has been her most memorable year because she went to the World Cup. Maks works with her in rehearsals on how to be sexy while doing the cha cha. So what does the cha cha have to do with going to the World Cup and losing? I'm not sure I see the thread here. Anyway, Hope is really just not naturally a sexy dancer. I'm sure she is very sexy in real life. She's got a beautiful face and is in great shape, but she doesn't know how to move her hips in a way that's sexy. She kind of looks like she has to poop. I'm sorry. And then she tries to make a sexy face but she does that Miley Cyrus taking a picture of yourself with your cell phone duck lips thing? You know? Like every Facebook photo of your fourteen-year-old niece and her friends? That face. It's not sexy. So poopy pants duck lips is going to do the cha cha.
Oh my God, she's actually doing the duck lips during the routine. I was hoping that was something she was trying in rehearsal but Maks told her to stop. Nope. She does it through the whole dance. It looks awful. And her dancing is really not good either. She doesn't look too bad while she's in hold, but when she's not, her posture goes all too hell and her hip action just looks awkward and...kind of masculine? Like she puts her legs way too far apart. I feel like this would have been a good week for Maks to bring in a woman to help her understand how women should do these types of moves. She gets off beat near the end and it's kind of a disaster. Her outfit doesn't help -- it's all black tulle and patterned stockings. This one should have gone back to the drawing board. Oh, and I just remembered it was supposed to tell some sort of story. I guess it's the story of how a duck learned to wear a tutu? That's what I got, anyway. Judges? Carrie Ann thinks it was sexy, but Hope needs to work on her walk with less strength and more femininity. Len thought it was a little raunchy, but the technique was there. Bruno tries to give her tips on how to walk better, because he thinks that needs work too. Maks seems a little annoyed, but he does show how to walk sexy on his way to talk to Brooke. Scores: Carrie Ann 8, Len 8 and Bruno 8. Am I drunk? I am not seeing what the judges are seeing.
You guys, Len is dancing tomorrow night. I could not be more excited about that.
David and Kym have the rumba. David tries to decide what his most memorable year was, whether it was when his daughter was born, or when his mother or father died. But he decided to choose this past year, because his marriage fell apart and he started drinking to numb the pain. But the good that came out of it was that he took a hard look at himself and realized he needed to get his shit together for his daughter. Why am I so touched by this when I was left so cold by Nancy Grace's story about her kids? I think you just root for David Arquette, even though historically, he's been kind of a fuck-up. Or maybe because of that.
The dance itself is much better than he's done in weeks. His arms and hands could be better, and he tries to have hip action but it's perfunctory, but when they're in hold, he does really well. And he definitely puts the emotion out there. And I have to say, with his shirt unbuttoned, I'm a little surprised at how good his body is. Sort of a skinny junkie physique, but that can be hot. The camera makes sure to focus on Courteney Cox in the audience, and little Coco. Because I'm a Cougar Town whore, I know that the whole crew was in the audience as well, and you should watch that show whenever ABC finally brings it back. It's really good. Don't let the name put you off. Anyway, judges? Len loved the motion and emotion, and thought it was great. Bruno found it sensitive and vulnerable. Carrie Ann thought it was a great comeback, and loved that he brought himself to the dance, and brought honesty and emotion. Scores: Carrie Ann 8, Len 8 and Bruno 8. They seem thrilled.
So who's going home? Maybe Chaz. Maybe Nancy. I don't really have a sense this season of who has a big fanbase coming in, so it really could be anyone. We'll find out tomorrow! Here's the leaderboard:
Ricki and Derek: 27
Chynna and Tony: 26
JR and Karina: 26
Rob and Cheryl: 24
Kristin and Mark: 24
Hope and Maks: 24
David and Kym: 24
Carson and Anna: 23
Nancy and Tristan: 21
Chaz and Lacey: 18