The show opens with Tom Bergeron throwing it to a performance by some of the pros: Lacey, Anna, Cheryl, Maks, Louis and Dmitry. Six other dancers that I don't recognize join them. It's short, colorful, and energetic, which is what you want in an opening number. When it's over, Tom explains that Maks choreographed it, and the six newcomers were the show's new professional troupe, and we will learn more about them later. Okay, then. Brooke joins him, and she has some ill-advised bangs. They don't make her any more interesting. She is just so boring. At least Samantha was sort of goofy sometimes. Brooke is just a robot.
It's time to recap some of what happened last night, starting with the three athletes. Hines Ward was really amazing. Jericho improved hugely over last week. Sugar Ray Leonard got poor marks from Len, and Anna spun it that Len expected more from him. She's a good partner. I think she's right, but that was also a nice way to put it. And now we find out which of the male athletes are safe. No surprises here: Hines and Chris Jericho are safe. Sugar Ray has to wait to hear his fate.
Chris Brown is here to perform. I am not a supporter of his, even though I think he's really talented. You know who wrote a really amazing open letter about Chris Brown and his problems, and why he needs to seek out help? Kevin Powell from the first season of Real World, whom you may recall had his own highly visible issues with anger and violence as a young man. It's really long, but worth reading. I thought he had a take on it that was informed by his experience, and different from the typical "tsk tsk" or "all y'all haters" posts I saw elsewhere last week.
Time for another round of recaps and results, this time for the actors. Kirstie and Maks kissed at the end of their dance. They did? I kind of get the vibe that Maks is sort of amused by Kirstie, but not nearly as amused as she thinks he is. He seems to tolerate her, and he's probably glad he didn't get a stick in the mud. Anyway, the whole segment is about their kiss, which I barely noticed, but Kirstie seems to want to think is a big controversy. Whatever. Chelsea and Mark took a risk. Well, Mark took a risk. Doesn't it seem like he's always the one behind people taking a risk and getting marked down for it? Shouldn't he have learned by now? Ralph took his criticism in stride and just hoped to put it behind him and move ahead to the dance. So out of this trio, Ralph and Kirstie are safe. And hey, Chelsea is safe too. So they're not going to make them wait.
Brooke is backstage with the three safe actors. Chelsea says that she hopes to go a little more traditional week, and Mark says he'll obey the law of the judges week. Okay, let's not blame the judges. It's the show. That you are on. It's about ballroom and Latin dancing. So that's what you should do, and that's what you will be judged on. Let's not act like THE MAN is keeping Mark down, and he's like Kevin Bacon in Footloose or something. Ugh. Ralph says he's holding up physically, although his hair is looking really goofy. I think his rug is askew. That is a rug, right? Kirstie jokes that not much was going through her mind while she waited to hear the results, because she was waving to her friends. I've had about enough of her too.
So we're going to see this Dancing with the Stars troupe each week on the results show. Do I really need to learn about six new people now? Like, am I going to learn anything about their personalities or just watch them dance? Because if it's the latter, then why bother with the profiles? I also wonder what the existing pros thinks about this; from what I understand, they get paid by the week, and if they get eliminated, they don't get paid. UNLESS, they get asked back to do one of the pro routines, and then they do get paid for that. Except now they will have less opportunity to do those extra routines, presumably. I would be a little annoyed. Anyway, the new troupe comes out and does a routine to "Dance To The Music" by Sly and the Family Stone. They're good, but one of the things I usually enjoy about the pro routines is I like to watch the interactions between the pros and imagine backstories, and think about who likes which partners and who doesn't. It's dumb, but it's the same reason I watch the closing credits of Saturday Night Life: to see who stands with which friends, who hugs, who gets blown off, etc. I don't have much in life. Let me have that.
The round of recaps and results deals with the young men. Romeo was really nervous before his routine. Like he said he might pee in his pants. Mike and Lacey have fun together, but that doesn't help the fact that he really can't dance. I mean, he did well given his lack of natural ability. When it's time for results, we learn that Romeo is safe, and Mike has to wait to find out his fate. Lacey hams it up like, "Oh, no! I hope I don't have to wait!" But sarcastic. Tom totally calls her on being an asshole, thankfully. She bugs.
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Do the couples this season have chemistry? Mike and Lacey do. Kirstie and Maks think they do. Ralph feeds off Karina's energy, as Romeo does with Chelsie. Louis has learned to speak in a way that Kendra understands. Wendy entertains Tony, because she's unpredictable. She burps, but her burps are weak sauce, if you ask me. Anna is a stern taskmaster, and so is Cheryl. Petra is kind of boring. Chelsea and Mark are silly together. Hines thinks Kym pays too much attention to his butt, but she knows how to coach him.
Oh, look. Chris Brown is back. I found it interesting that various people on the show spoke out against having him perform. Cheryl, herself a past victim of domestic abuse, said that she didn't want him on the show, but it wasn't her call. Good for her for speaking out, and I guess it's good that the show let her, although the cynical side of me wonders if the show's PR put that quote out there to try to have it both ways. And Tom Bergeron said that, given the opportunity, he would ask Chris Brown some tough questions, so he expected that the producers would keep him away from the "talent." It's sad, because I remember when Chris Brown did that performance on MTV at an awards show where he danced like Michael Jackson and was climbing on tables and I remember thinking, "Whoa! Who is this guy? He's going to be a star." It's sad when someone's demons get in the way of their talent.
Brooke is backstage with the remaining women. Petra says something boring. Seriously, she is dull. Wendy claims that she thought they should have gotten 10s, but she says it like she could not care less, and I'm really disappointed in her lack of personality, since she usually has so much of it. Kendra says she's not as nervous tonight as she was last night, and Louis says it will get worse when she has to stand up on the podium and hear results. I don't think I realized last night how horrible Kendra's dress is. It's a blue spangly prom dress with long purple gloves, and a purple band around the top. Blue and purple? Really?
And then those three do take the podium to hear their results. Kendra is safe, and she (pretends?) to smell her armpit to see if she was sweating. I think she's trying to follow the Jenny McCarthy, but it's not working for me, probably because I can't stand Jenny McCarthy. Petra is also safe, but Wendy has to wait to hear if she's going home or not.
Hey, I just realized that there was no encore dance tonight. What's up with that? Is it because of Chris Brown or the new pro troupe or what? I hope that's not permanent. I like the encore dance. So Wendy, Mike and Sugar Ray are all still in jeopardy. The first couple that is still safe is Wendy and Tony. Wendy makes a heart with her hands to tell the voters that she loves them.
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Tom reminds us that the two remaining are not necessarily the bottom two, but one is going home. Len says that he has a lot of respect for both of them. He knows they have worked hard for the past few weeks, and they have entertained all of us. So who's going home? Mike and Lacey. No surprise. Maybe Lacey can use her time off to fix that terrible hair. Mike thanks everyone in the world and compliments Lacey, and then says that he knows he's on the Mount Rushmore of terrible dancers.
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