Tom reminds us that it's been a long winter, and we deserve this show. I deserve a lot of things better than this show after this crap-tastic winter we've had. Starting with a tropical vacation. But I'll take this show. At least it's pretty to look at and totally light and I never think about it for one second when it's over.
This is my favorite episode of the entire season because you have no idea what someone will do on the floor. Once we've seen each couple dance for the first time, you at least have some idea what to expect. But right now, each couple could be great or terrible, and you don't know until you see it. So it's exciting! For real! They've gone really crazy with the set this season, or at least with the lighting production. Very dramatic. Tom and Brooke welcome us from the balcony. Brooke is wearing what seems like a normal black gown, until you see that she's sprouted a giant flower-shaped tumor from her thigh. She should really get that checked out. The margins are definitely irregular. The band plays the music and the new cast descends the stairs. I'm going to save my commentary for each person's intro package, though.
First up is Chelsea Kane, who is partnered with Mark Ballas. I will admit that I had no idea who Chelsea Kane was before she was announced for the show. I have kids, but they don't watch those tween shows yet. We're still on Yo Gabba Gabba around here. In Chelsea's intro package, she says that she wanted to do the show because she was home-schooled and never got to do the boy-girl dance thing. Mark and Chelsea have their first rehearsal, and they can't stop talking about their great chemistry, which means they have no chemistry. If you have it, you don't have to talk about it.
Enough yapping. Let's see their foxtrot. It's a little too cutesy for my taste, which is Mark's fault. Chelsea does a good job for the most part. Her toes are pointed and her arms are extended, but she needs to tuck her butt underneath instead of sticking it out. I really don't like the choreography. It's way too modern for me; I prefer more traditional stuff. There are a few "oops" movements on Chelsea's part, but she gets 90% of the moves down, and for the first ever dance, I think that's pretty good. What do the judges think? Len liked the youthfulness, although some of the movements were too modern for him. Len, c'est moi. Bruno makes a really sexual comment about Chelsea being on her back and afterglow which seems inappropriate given Chelsea's young age. Carrie Ann thinks Chelsea has potential, but she needs to extend her movements. Scores: Carrie Ann 7, Len 7, and Bruno 7. Those are great scores, since they don't usually break out the higher paddles until later in the season.
Wendy Williams is up . I am most familiar with her from The Soup. She's kind of ridiculous, but she knows it, and I kind of like that. I think she would be exhausting in real life, and Tony is stuck with her. I don't like Tony, but he gets the handfuls, doesn't he? They start rehearsing and Wendy isn't really putting it out there as like she usually does. She cries a lot. She says it's her stress relief. This is going to be a long season for Tony. Or a really short one.
Let's see their cha cha cha. All right. Here's what I don't expect from Wendy Williams necessarily: great dancing, great form, grace, charm, elegance. Here's what I do expect from Wendy Williams: tons and tons of attitude and charisma. And her dance has none of those things. She's timid, she's up in her head, she has no hip action, her footwork is terrible. I mean, it's the first time out. Maybe she'll get better if she lets go a bit. But she's like Bristol-level bad. Then again, Bristol made the finals. She shuffles around the floor stiffly. This is going to sound catty, but she has piano legs and she shouldn't wear a short skirt like that. Ugh. It's just awful, and I had high hopes that she would be a Niecy Nash or even a Kelly Osbourne type -- maybe not the greatest dancer, but totally working it and selling it. And she doesn't. Judges? Bruno tells her how beautiful she is, and she's just marking the routine. She needs to bring out her fire and personality. Carrie Ann thinks she was terrified, and Wendy says that she was thrown when they showed her crying on the roll-in piece. Carrie Ann advises her to "unleash the beast." Len also advises her to bring her personality out, because she was too timid. She has to sell it week. Scores: Carrie Ann 5, Len 4, and Bruno 5. Those are totally fair. She has to do better week. Wendy claims she did the best that she could this week, but I don't think that's true. I hope she takes this to heart because I think she could be really entertaining.
up is Hines Ward, Pittsburgh Steeler, who claims he can't really dance. So that's promising. He's partnered with Kym, who I love. They start rehearsing, and she reminds him that she was partnered with Warren Sapp so she's used to working with athletes. He starts doing the running man and boy, he is not a good dancer. At one point, he drops Kym right on her back. But he is a hard worker, and seems really intense about winning. He's really tiny too. I expect pro athletes to be taller. Maybe Kym is really tall.
They have the cha cha cha. I'm totally distracted by how high his pants are. They're like Fred Mertz style up to his nipples. Who dressed him? But once I block that business out... he's not bad! Here's what I ask from a first-week dance: don't forget the choreography. Look like you're having fun. Try to add some performance flair. That's pretty much it. I can overlook technique, because that can be learned later, so a non-pointed toe or unextended arm is not a deal breaker. I think Hines has potential in the same vein of many other athlete contestants. He actually reminds me of Apolo Ohno. He's charming and, while his technique needs work, he's fun to watch. Sold. And good job, Kym, with the choreography. The crowd goes nuts for them. Judges? Carrie Ann calls it sparkly and exuberant. Len thought he was clean, crisp, and confident, and tells him to work on posture and footwork. He takes a sidebar to talk about their butts, but I'm going to ignore that. Bruno loved it too, and gives Hines some things to work on, and illustrates with some pelvic thrusts. Oh, Bruno. Already? Scores: Carrie Ann 7, Len 7, and Bruno 7. That's fair. His performance was better than Chelsea's but his technique wasn't as good, so it evens out.
Petra Nemacova, SUPERMODEL, is paired with Dmitry, who is back after taking a season off. When they meet, Petra explains that she was on the tsunami in 2004 and her pelvis was broken, so it might limit her dancing somewhat. That was a good way to work that information in without being too weird about it. And of course, Petra was very affected by the recent tsunami in Japan; it brought it all back. I remember reading some stories about Petra's experiences and they really were harrowing, so I can't fault her for being emotional.
Anyway, they have the foxtrot. It's much more traditional and romantic but honestly? Kind of boring. Like there's no performance aspect to it. She's graceful enough, but it doesn't grab me at all. I can't pinpoint what I didn't like, so let's see what the judges think. Len thought it was graceful and elegant, but she needs to work on her posture, and he's worried about her jive week, given her height. Bruno thought there were some beautiful moments, but she needs to connect them better. Carrie Ann thinks she expresses her inner beauty through her movements (what?) but she might have had a little lift during a drag. Carrie Ann says she'll look the other way since it was clearly a blip and it's the first night. Scores: Carrie Ann 6, Len 6, and Bruno 6. They seem happy with those scores, though the audience boos.
Romeo, formerly Lil Romeo, is the son of Master P, probably the worst dancer to ever be on the show. No, not probably. He was. But he only filled in when Romeo had to bow out. Anyway, he's partnered with Chelsie, who he thinks is really hot. And she is. The problem in rehearsals is that Romeo doesn't want to look goofy or sexy, because he thinks he looks too feminine. That's too bad, because he seems to have some good natural skills, but I don't know if he'll be brave enough to let go. Let's see.
they have the cha cha cha. Okay. His footwork is TERRIBLE. And his posture might be worse. That said, he's got a good quickness to his movements, and he is very tuned into his partner. Perhaps too tuned in -- his only performance aspects are that he sticks out his tongue once in a while. I think a lot of this is nerves, but if he's this inhibited during Latin, I can't imagine what he'll do in, say, the quickstep or another routine that he thinks is corny. He has to get over himself, and he could be decent. I really thought, like Wendy, that he'd be better at the performance aspect. But he's about a million times better than his father. I mean, he actually lifted his feet off the floor a few times. Judges? Bruno thought it was vibrant, but messy. He was flat-footed and lost it a few times, but he needs to work hard. Carrie Ann thinks he was sexy, but he needs to work on his posture. She sees a lot of potential because he's connected to the music. Len liked the energy and the attack, but he was too casual and needs to work on technique. Scores: Carrie Ann 7, Len 6, and Bruno 6.
Sugar Ray Leonard, boxing legend, is partnered with Anna. Yay! So glad Anna is back. Sugar Ray says that he could dance in the ring, but not outside of it. He gets really frustrated in rehearsals. He has Adam Carolla boxer syndrome -- he's got quick feet, but he's used to hunching his shoulders forward and keeping his arms up and tight, which is the opposite of what you need for dancing. I will say that Sugar Ray seems pretty good mentally, which is more than you can say for a lot of former boxers.
How is their foxtrot? Well, there are two bad signs before it even starts. First, Anna's hair is redonk. She looks like redheaded Delta Burke/Suzanne Sugarbaker. Second, Anna starts the dance alone and it's a good four beats before Sugar Ray joins her. Well, the parts that are in hold are pretty awful. Sugar Ray looks totally awkward and stiff, and his shoulders are up around his ears. Once they break hold, he actually shows signs of life. His technique is awful -- his hands are just kind of flopping around in between poses and he doesn't point his toes. But he actually performs and seems to have fun with it. I don't think he'll win or anything, but he could be much better than this dance shows. Judges: Carrie Ann says he had moments of Ben Vereen, but he needs to work on posture A LOT. Len thought the energy and performance levels were high but the dancing level was low. Bruno makes a Some Like It Hot joke that no one born after 1975 understands, and then makes my observation: he was great out of hold and awful in hold. Scores: Carrie Ann 6, Len 5, and Bruno 6. Generous.
Kendra Wilkinson describes herself as a sexy tomboy, and reminds us that she's a wife and mother, not just a whore. I mean, girlfriend of Hugh Hefner. Kendra thinks she has a lot of moves. Well, she can shake her ass and boobs. OMG, then Kendra says the greatest quote of all time: "This cha cha is going to be hot. Not club hot. But classy hot." She really is like a Christopher Guest character, isn't she? I bet she likes soup. And talking and not talking.
Kendra and Louis are about to do their cha cha cha. Here's the problem. She looks great in her little dress, and she sure can shake her hips, but she has no musicality or rhythm. And she's just flinging her arms around with wild abandon. And then, on top of all that, she looks terrified. I think she might have screwed up a little bit early on and it threw her, because she acts like a spooked horse. What did the judges think? Len says that she held his interest, and the content was great, but she needs to straighten her legs at times. Bruno says she brought on a "full-frontal attack" but she does need to straighten her legs. Carrie Ann points out that she didn't miss a step (so I guess I was wrong about that) but she needs to work on something more. Her spots? Her spa? Her stop? I don't know. Scores: Carrie Ann 6, Len 6, and Bruno 6. That was generous. I think they were mesmerized by her boobs.
Ralph Macchio doesn't shy away from the Karate Kid label, and why fight it? He's dancing with Karina. When they meet, Karina says that Ralph looks exactly the same as he did twenty-eight years ago. I think he's wearing a rug. Is he wearing a rug? His hair looks weird. Ralph is really smart, and he overanalyzes the dance and Karina tells him, "Overanalysis creates paralysis." So true, Karina. Wisdom for the ages.
How is their foxtrot? It's to Sinatra, which is a good choice for Ralph. I kind of assumed he's from Jersey but I just looked it up and he's from Long Island. But he's Italian-American and from the Tristate area, so good enough. For the first two-thirds of their routine, I was fairly impressed. Ralph has grace and fluidity, and despite a few footing problems, looks pretty good. And then they did this side-by-side segment that was AMAZING. Like I am sitting alone in my living room and I said out loud, "Whaa-aaaa -- aaat? Where did that come from?" He's really good! He kind of messes up the ending, but goddamn! So much better than I expected and he has a ton of elegance. Perfect for a foxtrot. I don't know how he'll do on Latin, but this was really great, especially for the first week. Did the judges see what I saw? Bruno thinks it was a hit, and he had great showmanship, but he has to watch out for creepy hands. Carrie Ann thought it was an amazing surprise and elegant. Len thinks he has great potential but is a bit rough around the edges. But it was still the best foxtrot of the night. Scores: Carrie Ann 8, Len 8, and Bruno 8.
I have a confession. I used to watch WWE, back when it was WWF. I even recapped Smackdown for a few episodes for this very site. I quit watching when The Rock left, I think. But it used to be so ridiculously over the top and the storylines were like soap operas, and I enjoyed the pageantry. So I am familiar with Chris Jericho. Anyway, he meets his partner, Cheryl, and her biggest concern is that he won't keep his shoulders down and you won't be able to see his neck.
They are dancing the cha cha cha. Cheryl, master choreographer that she is, manages to rig it so that Jericho basically just stands still while she dances around him. His movements are too small. He needs to go bigger and less stiff. He has hip action once in a while, but not consistently. They try to distract with lots of pyrotechnics and costume changes, but his footwork actually isn't horrible. It's just too small. Carrie Ann likes his attack and he didn't miss a step, but she wanted more content. Len didn't see any hip action, but he liked the energy and fun. Bruno thought it was unsteady and messy at times, but always entertaining. I guess I just expected something bigger and more out there, because Jericho has such a huge personality. Scores: Carrie Ann 7, Len 6, and Bruno 6. I think Carrie Ann's score was because she couldn't exactly pinpoint the problem, so she couldn't give him a 6. But that's an overscore.
Okay, the contestant is the one most people haven't heard of, but I have. He's "Psycho" Mike Catherwood, who now hosts Loveline with Dr. Drew. He knows he's not well known, so that's something. And he's partnered with Lacey. Oh, Lacey. She seems to be growing out her bad dye job from last season, and she should really get those ends cut off and dye the rest her natural color, because it looks HORRIBLE. Does she know that she's on national television? Anyway, based on their rehearsals, he's not good. And he knows it. Does self-deprecation count for anything?
So their foxtrot. How is it? Well, he's crazy pigeon-toed, though that didn't seem to hurt Kyle last season. He has two problems: he's not good, and he has no fanbase. So I'm not going to get too attached. He's not embarrassingly bad. He moves around the floor well, and he tries to put some performance into it. But his feet are awful and he has no rhythm, and Lacey is dragging him around the floor. Judges? Len nails it when he says that dancing is movement to music, and he was moving and there was music, but it wasn't dancing. He advises Mike to do better week if he wants to stay. Bruno acknowledges that it's hard the first time out, but he didn't have any flow. Carrie Ann thinks the others are being too hard, and she knows that he wasn't great but they had a tough dance. Mike looks really sad; I don't know if he hates the judges' critiques or if he's disappointed in himself. Scores: Carrie Ann 5, Len 4, and Bruno 4. Oof. Mike makes a joke that he beat the scores of his father, Master P. Aw. I hate Lacey but I like Mike.
And the final dancer of the night is Kirstie Alley. Here are my thoughts on Kirstie Alley, because I know you care. I want to like her. But she tries SO HARD and it's exhausting. I don't feel like she's ever being genuine. She has this persona of the good time girl who's a little raunchy and a little wacky and LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME! And hasn't she grown out of that yet? With the weight loss and the weight gain and the Oprah and the Scientology and the "big one" acceptance speeches and the hair and the boobs and I'm tired already. Anyway, her partner is Maks, who is the only one who could handle her. I can't believe she's 60 though. In rehearsal, Kirstie has trouble keeping up with Maks, but who wouldn't?
So they have the cha cha cha. The producers must really want Kirstie to stay because she gets this huge silvery glittery backdrop that makes the whole dance seem like a bigger production than the others. Then again, Jericho had fireworks. Kirstie is really good. I mean, really good. And I hate to say this, because I'm all about size acceptance, but she would be a lot better if she were in better shape. I think if she continues, she will lose some weight and be able to move around even better. What I love, though, is that she is totally sexy no matter what size she's at, and she works it. And her footwork is great. Here's another big deal: I spend the whole dance watching her instead of Maks, and we all know how Maks tends to pull focus. He's just a prop here, and that's how it should be, and I attribute that to Kirstie's charisma. She gets a standing ovation. Judges? Bruno thinks they are only scratching the surface, and her foot placement was the best of the night. Carrie Ann can't believe she's 60 (me neither) and it was musical with sizzle. Len thought it was fun, cheeky, and entertaining. Scores: Carrie Ann 8, Len 7, and Bruno 8. I think that's fair but I would love to hear Len's rationale for taking it down a point compared to Ralph. I don't think he's wrong, but I would love to hear it.
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Well. I worried that this season would be boring, but this was anything but. I think we've got serious contenders in Kirstie, Ralph, Chelsea, and Hines. Romeo could be good if he lets go of his inhibitions, and one of the others might surprise us week with a different style of dance. It is on, ladies and gents. See you week.
Scores:
Ralph and Karina: 24
Kirstie and Maks: 23
Chelsea and Mark: 21
Hines and Kym: 21
Romeo and Chelsie: 19
Chris and Cheryl: 19
Petra and Dmitry: 18
Kendra and Louis: 18
Sugar Ray and Anna: 17
Wendy and Tony: 14
Mike and Lacey: 13
Discuss this episode in the forums, then see our winning odds on the contestants!
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