I don't know who's going home tonight, but I'll tell you one thing: whatever happens, it's going to happen LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!
Samantha promises us that it's "an incredible night of entertainment and elimination." That sounds... kind of dirty, doesn't it? Tom reminds us that they didn't reveal who was second to last in the week, so really, anyone could be down in the bottom and eligible for elimination. Does anyone else think that Toni is getting younger each week? She looks like a teenager at this point. Brooke observes in her confessional that she's worried, due to the judges' compliments, that people don't realize how hard she's working. Misty tells us that Maks pushes her because he knows that she can be better. Susan Lucci is so thin and she has that Tori Spelling canyon in between her implants. It's even more disturbing in an older woman; I'm not looking forward to seeing how Tori Spelling ages if Susan is any indication. Kim tells us that she wants to come back so that she can wear different outfits and you can kind of feel Mark cringe as she talks. Poor Mark. Although I guess he's had his share of good partners in the past two seasons. Still. He obviously loves dancing and it must be weird to be partnered with someone who obviously doesn't give a shit.
Len gets to choose the encore performance, although he claims that they all agreed that it should be Warren and Kym's paso doble. My husband wanders into the room and says, "Good. Maybe Warren will die." Seriously! He hates Warren Sapp so much! Anyway, Warren does a great job again with the footwork but I think if he wants to be a contender, he needs to work on the details: pointing his toes when he kicks, his hand positions. They still screw up the ending, I think; at least I hope that's not what it was supposed to look like!
Tom promises that the stars are in for a shock tonight, since they don't know who was in the bottom last week. So are they going to reveal the bottom two this week? They don't say. But we do get to find out one couple that will be continuing, and it's...Toni and Alec. Another couple who will be moving on is...Rocco and Karina. Yay! Rocco! I thought he might be a goner. I don't know why I'm enjoying him so much when if you had asked me before the season began, I would have said he would be in my bottom two with Kim Kardashian. Before going to break, they flash to Jessica Simpson in the back because she'll be singing later, and man. Speaking of dead behind the eyes? Nothing going on there -- at all.
So did you know Jessica Simpson is a country singer now? At least she's trying real hard, and she even hits the Rs at the end of her words really hard so you understand how country she is these days. Oh, her country twang is really egregious because we've all heard her speak on however many seasons of Newlyweds and she doesn't talk like that. One thing hasn't changed; she still makes ridiculous faces like she's in pain while she sings. I remember seeing her holiday special with then-husband Nick Lachey and she sang a duet with Jewel and... I seriously thought it was supposed to be a joke, because she looked like someone slammed her finger in a car door. Anyway, in conclusion, this song blows and so does Jessica Simpson. Allegedly. Oh, and there was dancing while she sang, but it wasn't any of the regular pros, so whatever.
Samantha is backstage with Toni and Rocco, who now know they are safe. Rocco thanks his fans, and then Samantha harps on Alec's horrible singing again because she can't think of anything funny or interesting to say, as usual.
Tom is out there to reveal the two safe couples. The first is...Cody and Julianne. The second is...Brooke and Derek. And up is going to be a dance routine where people are wearing Christmas lights or something. Looks... interesting?
Samantha hits the talking point about how the contestants had to work so extra hard this week because they had less time. We get it! Four days but it was really only three! Message received. Anyway, this is all just a segue to explain that Len and Bruno have been dividing their time between this show and Strictly Come Dancing in the UK. Monday and Tuesday, they do this show. Right after Tuesday's show, they hit the airport and get on an eleven-hour flight to London. Len explains that he and Bruno don't really hang out on the plane because they need to unwind. So then they arrive in London and shoot the UK show, hosted by Bruce Forsyth. Bruno explains that there are fourteen couples left in the UK, so that's a lot of people to keep straight. Len and Bruno explain that they do get tired, but they know they need to perform. So anyway, they stay in England until Saturday night, when they fly back to the states. And then there's a whole weird thing where they talk about how they're a great couple and suddenly I'm wondering if Len is gay or what? I assume Bruno is; I've seen the Elton John video, people. They make kind of a cute couple! Tom makes a joke about how he doesn't understand why they get through airport security each week. That was kind of weak sauce, Tom.
1 2 3 4
Okay, so it's time for the Masters of Dance thing, featuring Jenna Dewan. Isn't she the one that Justin supposedly dated her after he and Britney broke up? My memory for gossip from like 2002 is fading. Anyway, the dancers are all wearing these Matrix-type outfits with LED lights and it's kind of cool, but honestly? If I wanted to see this type of dancing, I would watch one of the eight million other dancing shows on the air. I like ballroom dancing; I'd like to see some more of that. Maybe some of the types that they don't do on this show, or bring in more world champions or whatever. There just isn't much of what I would call dancing in this routine -- it seems like striking poses in time to the music. I was just telling Wing Chun earlier today that my friend Gretchen and I used to spend hours making up routines to the Fame soundtrack, and about ninety percent of those routines were to "Hot Lunch." And this routine kind of reminded me of my fifth-grade choreography. (As an aside, Wing has never seen Fame! I know! What is wrong with her? Did they not have it in Canada? Anyway, it's in her Netflix queue now, so problem solved there.)
Oh, God. Jessica Simpson is singing another song? And I think it's a ballad. BAD TIMES. I think Jessica needs to renew her Proactiv subscription or however you buy that bullshit because her skin is not looking great. And despite my misgivings over her looks, career, and romantic life, didn't Jessica Simpson at least used to be able to sing a little bit? Because she's really bad. I can't imagine this is going to sell any copies of her album. Maks and Cheryl come out to dance to the song. I really love seeing the pros dancing together; they can kind of let go and really perform in a way they can't when dancing with their celebrities, because they don't have to cover up for their partner. And I think I read a rumor today about Maks and Cheryl; maybe it was planted by the show's publicist but they are pretty hot together. I'd believe it.
Backstage, Samantha gets Julianne to make fun of Cody for being so young, and Samantha almost has a zinger when she reminds Julianne that she was only eighteen when she started on the show. Then Brooke has a chance to reiterate that she has to work really hard at dancing, so people don't think she's got it easy and forget to vote for her or something. After that, Tom reveals that another couple is safe, and this time it's... Susan and Tony.
Tom takes a moment to show us the backstage area (The Red Room) where the dancers hang out when they're not dancing. Lance tells us that it's crazy back there, and Warren tells us there's a lot of energy. Rocco confesses that there's a lot of primping and adjusting parts back there as we see Kim Kardashian fixing her boobs. Warren thinks that Misty is one of the guys. Rocco and Toni make fun of Warren for bringing his own fan. Misty reveals that Cody always gets lost backstage. Maurice is very positive, always high-fiving people and hugging and offering congrats. Rocco is constantly texting. Aw, now I'm starting to not like him again. And everyone thinks Cloris is crazy. And then a bunch of people say that they're not ready to go home. That was an interesting idea for a segment, but it could have been a lot more candid and revealing. I bet some shit goes down when the cameras go off.
1 2 3 4
Time to reveal two more safe couples. The first one is... Warren and Kym. Joining them in safety are... Maurice and Cheryl. So who's left? Kim, Cloris, Misty, and Lance. And their partners, of course. The best part is that as they go to break, we see Mark totally walking away from Kim to congratulate someone and Kim just stands there like a mannequin. I don't think Mark likes her that much.
After the break, Tom and Samantha reveal one more safe couple first and it's... Lance and Lacey. They look mighty relieved. Joining them in safety are... Misty and Maks. Oh, thank God. Maks keeps things interesting. So to the surprise of no one, either Cloris or Kim is going home. Tom reminds us that they are not necessarily the bottom two. Samantha tries to ignore the fact that Cloris is pretending to faint and Corky is holding her up as Tom announces who's safe. So who's going home? Kim and Mark. Poor Mark. But thank God Kim is gone. Now I don't really hate anyone. Kim has to ruin my hate by saying that this is the five-year anniversary of her father's death and now I kind of feel bad. As the group joins Kim and Mark on the floor, Mark gives Corky a big hug, which is kind of sweet, except Corky kind of creeps me out. I notice Mark doesn't spend a whole lot of time hugging Kim, though. At least I won't have to see the now-scary Bruce Jenner in the audience week. See you then!
Want more behind-the-scenes juice? Check out our exclusive celebrity blog written by pro dancer Maks.
1 2 3 4